Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.