Author has written 1 story for Naruto.
The Ten Commandments of Reviewing - created by FictionReader98 and Zoneshifter D
The Evil Overlord List is a list of all the things a competent evil overlord should and shouldn't do. This list to make sure that you avoid all of the errors that evil overlords in movies and books make. Here is the top ten from Peter Anspach's list.
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
As per the rules, here is his copyright tag "This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached."
List of Rules for dealing with Naruto in Black Flames Dance in the Wind by DevilKeys Writing:
Rule One: Don't try to touch him or anything that belongs to him, or he'll kill you.
Rule Two: Don't use lighters and/or matches in his presence.
Rule Three: Don't cancel any Genjutsu when entering his room, that's what he wants you to do because he enjoys hearing people scream.
Rule Four: Always smell the room before entering. If it smells like blood, call some ANBU to search the room. He usually hides bodies in the ceiling so they drop down on people.
Rule Five: Watch out for any strings or wires. If you find any, do NOT touch them, just mind your footing and slowly back out of the room.
Rule Six: There is never just one Naruto in the room. Don't try to find them all, because you'll always miss the one that's in the most obvious place: behind you.
Rule Seven: Do NOT touch his sword! He won't kill you for it, but the sword itself will.
Rule Eight: Do NOT mention the word "Rapist" in the same breath as his name, there are many other ways of committing suicide that don't involve nearly as much pain.
Rule Nine: Don't call him "Demon" or anything of the like. He'll just laugh at you, then slowly drive you insane by making your life a living hell.
Rule Ten: If he seems even the slightest bit angry, leave the room immediately and contact Dr. Mirano or one of his personal staff.
Rule Eleven: Don't try to hide things. Keep all items in plain sight, as well as your hands.
Rule Twelve: Don't come in with a cheery disposition. Cheer dispositions annoy him.
And finally, Rule Thirteen: Pay attention to EVERY shadow in the room. If it moves, even when the object casting it doesn't, leave the room. If he tolerates you, you'll never know about the shadows. If he doesn't like you, that's a warning, and you have ten seconds to get out of his personal space. Less depending on what mood he's in at the time.
Great Rant from Mommerally
Presented on this page with his consent.
In an effort to get some ideas for a Dark Naruto story I started to write a huge rant about the original Naruto series and most Naruto stories on this website. And this is what I've written so far:
Not many people really look at what Naruto's parents and the older generation have done to Naruto do they? In the manga and in the majority of the stories I've read on this website Naruto always forgives his parents and everyone who wrongs him. What the fuck people! You seriously need to remember that Naruto is a human too, he's not Jesus! He has many flaws like all people have.
I understand that Kishimoto tries to convey the meaning of turning the other cheek and to appreciate bonds but it gets old after awhile. Just give Naruto a pair of balls...
I can also understand that good guys in a story are by definition supposed to be good, I get that but in real life if a person got put through half the crap he went through they would snap. Not to mention nearly every other character in the series that are badass didn't even went through half the shit Naruto went through and still became awesome and badass.
Take Sasori for example he was sweet and adorable as a child and was in a way his grandmothers light in her life, the complete opposite of his later personality. He had a perfect and loving family, and a positive and bright outlook on life. That is until Kakashi's father kills his parents. I felt sad for Sasori when Chiyo just collapsed when she's told that her son and daughter in law are dead. It's sad to read the manga, but when you see the anime flashback and hear how his soft and hopeful voice asks his grandmother if his parents have come home is just so wrong. But what's really heart wrenching is when Chiyo lies to Sasori, and tells him that his parents left on another mission, just to spare him the pain for one more night before he must face reality.
Because of his parents death Sasori grew up in a sad and lonely environment due to mentioned absence of parental love. When Chiyo tried to ease his pain by introducing him to the art of puppetry, he grew a little happier. And as everybody knows he eventually created puppets in the likeness of his parents, but when he realized that the puppets couldn't give him the actual love that he desired, he became cold and aloof. This led to him maintaining little regard for human life.
Later on at the tender age of fifteen Sasori secretly kidnapped and killed the Third Kazekage then left the village.
Why did i write about Sasori, the answer is so simple: It's to remind all readers and authors on this website of basic human nature. In the words of Ernest Hemingway "All things truly wicked start from an innocence." (From A Moveable Feast)
Another thing that really grinds my gears is the people who usually say that Obito/Tobi is the pinnacle of all evil. But is he really that evil, i can understand people saying that Orochimaru is a representation of the devil, meaning he is purely evil who is solely out to get more power. But Obito, child please. Like all Naruto super villains (Nagato and Madara) he wants world peace and is willing to kill and sacrifice anyone to reach that goal, a very admirable goal all things considered.
So isn't he very similar to the Yondaime Hokage Namikaze Minato. I think so yeah they are similar in that regard. But with one huge difference. Obito kills and sacrifice other people for peace and justice for everyone, while Minato fights exclusively for the people of the land of fire, especially the people from Konoha. But Minato also fights for Konoha's right to continue to oppress and murder other people.
Another similarity they share is that they have both committed small genocides; Obito's used the Kyūbi on Konoha to kill countless shinobi and civilians, not mention his role in the bloodline purge in Kirigakure. While Minato used his teleportation technique during the Third Shinobi World War to seemingly appear to be in several places at once and wipe out entire squadrons one by one in moments before they could even react. Minato must've killed lots of Iwa shinobi because Konoha was losing the war until he invented the technique and used it to make Konoha come out victorious in their war against Iwagakure.
Then of course the sealing of the Kyūbi. I can't for the love of God understand why people still say that Minato and Kushina didn't have a choice but to seal the beast into Naruto, when everyone now knows everything that happened that night.
According to Narutopedia (yes i get that anyone can post there but it's updated regularly and it's extremely well maintained) Kushina dies because she used her diminished chakra to restrain the Kyūbi. Despite knowing that the trauma would kill her in her current state, Kushina then volunteered to have the Kyūbi sealed back into her body so that it would die with her.
Minato then suggest that they use the dead demon consuming seal on the Kyūbi to weaken it then seal the rest in Naruto. And what does that idealistic fucker Minato say when she demanded to know why he had to use that technique and why he had to die. When she just basically killed herself by erecting a barrier so she could reseal the beast inside her and take it with her to the afterlife.
He goes on and on about how her death wouldn't change the fact that the Kyūbi would resurrect itself, and without a Jinchūriki to contain the beast it would inevitably cause harm to Konoha and the Fire Country. And by using the dead demon consuming seal she would be able to meet Naruto in the future. Minato was also convinced that Naruto was the "Child of the Prophecy" Jiraiya had once told him about, and that he couldn't take her place as a parent or some shit.
This entire explanation pisses me off in so many ways i don't even know how to describe it. I mean both Minato and Kushina were masters in fūinjutsu so why didn't they use another seal on the Kyūbi if they really wanted Naruto to contain it. No Jinchūriki has a similar seal, the various hidden villages uses different seals, so there must be dozens of seals that can be used to create a Jinchūriki. And what was wrong with the seal Mito and Kushina used?
And the whole "Child of the Prophecy" shit pisses me off too. Since the prophecy states that: In time Jiraiya will have a disciple and that disciple will become become a ninja who will bring about a great change to the ninja world. Either great stability or great destruction, the likes of which the world has never seen before. And Jiraiya's actions would determine if this revolution would be for the world's salvation or the world's destruction. Basically one can say that the people around the child's actions will affect if the world is doomed or saved.
And Minato and Kushina both agree that Naruto could be that child and what do those dumb fucks do: They decide to seal a monster, that just annihilated half of their home village along with countless of its inhabitants, inside their son and leave him all alone. In a village full of trained killers that just lost family members, friends, wives, children, comrades, neighbors and not to mention all the homes and businesses that were destroyed that night. Yeah that sounds like a good idea...
Given all the facts and Minato's own explanation for his decision one can only assume he didn't want to leave Konoha without such a valuable war deterrent, So Minato decided seal the beast within his son using the eight trigrams seal and the dead demon consuming seal. And he used those seals because Konoha's former Jinchūriki couldn't use the Kyūbi and their only function was to make sure that the beast was in Konoha's possession. So it was rather smart of him as a leader to create a weapon/opportunity for Konoha given the fact that they suffered heavy casualties in the attack.
But wouldn't it make sense for Minato to just raise and train his son if he wanted him to become powerful enough to have a chance at beating Obito/Tobi. Especially since Minato thinks that Obito is Madara, so he must know that Naruto doesn't really stand a snowball's chance in hell against one of history's strongest shinobi. Especially because Madara/Obito can control the Kyūbi with just their fucking eyes!
So in my opinion Minato acted as the leader of Konoha during the sealing and not as the father of his newborn son. This is best shown when he emotionally manipulates Kushina using her desire to see Naruto as an adult to make her stop opposing him. And thus he doesn't have a right to call himself the child's father.
But Kushina really takes the fucking cake when she actually agrees with Minato that leaving Naruto all alone was the best course of action. I mean she fucking knows how Jinchūriki are treated (not personally though since hers and Mito's status as Jinchūriki were secret to everyone except the Hokage and the elders), and they both know that after an attack of that magnitude that the chances of keeping the Jinchūriki a secret was practically zero. People would want to know how they were saved, and the older generation of the shinobi force should know that the only way to stop a tailed beast would be to seal it.
So they had to choose between their child's well-being and Konoha's standing in the shinobi world. But they wanted a Jinchūriki who could use the power of its tailed beast inside Konoha more than they cared about Naruto's well-being. That action destroyed Naruto's life. To put it simply it wasn't the sealing but the sealing method that destroyed his life. And because of that Kushina have just as much a right to call herself Naruto's mother as Minato has at calling himself Naruto's father, that would be no right whatsoever!
I don't believe i have seen anyone calling the Yondaime Kazekage a hero or a great father for sealing Shukaku inside his youngest son either. I find it funny that people think that he was a cold-hearted bastard but didn't think that Minato was. It may not have been under the same circumstances but they both did it for the same reason; to get more power for their village.
The Yondaime Kazekage loved his wife and children dearly but was also torn between his duties as the village leader and those as a father. This conflict was seen when Gaara was deemed a failure by the council, he was visibly disappointed and ultimately decided to give his son one last chance before deciding whether or not to eliminate him. To this end, he was willing to set an elaborate and potentially heartbreaking lie to see his son's determination. Seeing the failure, he chose the village's safety over his son.
His decision was no different than Minato's and they both did it for the well-being and safety of their respective village.
I felt the need to write all of this when i read The Darkness That Binds Him by XxKageTenshixX. Because i started to think about all those fuckers who knew who Naruto's parents were yet didn't do shit to help their son, ungrateful fucks. XxKageTenshixX also brought up something i didn't think about before and that was who many knew that Naruto was Minato and Kushina's son. Both Minato and Kushina were very well liked in Konoha, so it's safe to assume that they had lots of friends and comrades who knew them personally. I know two names for starters Uchiha Mikoto and Hatake Kakashi.
Mikoto was one of the last people to ever see Kushina alive and they were best friends. And i hope it goes without saying that she knew that Kushina was pregnant since they talk about Kushina's unborn son's name and their hopes that their sons to become friends and what not. This brings the question were the fuck were Mikoto when Naruto needed someone? At home dealing with her own shit most likely, but what's her excuse for letting her best friend's son be abused.
The clan heads are in the same age group as Minato and Kushina right? So it's safe to assume that they were friends with Naruto's parents right? Even if they didn't know that he was their son it shouldn't have been so fucking hard figure it out right? If the current Raikage can see the similarities then surely the people Naruto's parents called their friends should too!!
Then there's Kakashi and Jiraiya. I am not even going to go in on them because those traitors only excuses are that they were busy with their own grief, masturbation issues, and some twisted sense of duty to have time to take care of Naruto. At least they could've sent a gift card or something since it would make a huge difference to Naruto, just knowing that someone cares about him. Seriously can someone tell me why no one helped the poor boy? I am honestly starting to believe that what happened is what people would call the bystander effect, everyone thought that someone else would be nice to the kid so they didn't try to help him assuming it was under control. But it's just too depressing to think that the answer would be that simple.
That thought reminds me of a quote from Edmund Burke "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Why wasn't Naruto officially recognized as Minato's son? That have been on my mind for a while. And the whole "It was done to keep him safe from his father's enemies" excuse feels hollow somehow. Like that's what they tell themselves so they can sleep every night.
Every time i think of it i must look at the aftermath of the Kyūbi attack. And more importantly I analyze what the Sandaime Hokage did and why he did it.
Because of Minato's untimely death, and having no suitable candidates at hand at the moment, Hiruzen was forced to come out of retirement to retake his position as the current Hokage, despite his age. Konoha had suffered heavy casualties from the attack. So in order to appear strong the Sandaime ordered that the Genin would take missions usually done by the Chūnins, and the Chūnins in turn had to take missions usually performed by the Jōnins.
That's just the wave mission all over again, so there is no telling how many shinobi who died because they were forced to take harder missions before they were ready for them. Then add to the fact that all the other shinobi villages that had grudges against Konoha were probably sending spies and whatnot to investigate. Then on top of that Minato made his only child the container of the very thing responsible for all that chaos.
There was a reason that the old monkey retired so for him to come back, at his age, and take the reins once more when Konoha just had its greatest tragedy speaks highly of his abilities. Konoha was at an all-time low, so not only did they have to recover from a world war they now had to recover from the damages done by the Kyūbi. I mean the old dude must've been under so much pressure from all sides. There must've been opposition to his rise to power, Danzō and his allies for example.
They were in a fucked up situation, and the only reason they weren't invaded was because of the disinformation spread by Jiraiya and the fact that every other shinobi village had to recover from the last world war too. And thus weren't in any shape for another full scale war.
But what does this have to do with Naruto. The answer; EVERYTHING. Think about it, they repeatedly say it was done to protect him from Iwa and Minato's other enemies. But the answer is just there, you just have to look underneath the underneath or whatever. They didn't want Minato's enemies to find out, not because they believed it might hurt Naruto but because it would hurt Konoha. If Naruto was recognized as the Yondaime's son they would've been forced to declare war against whatever village who sent assassins after the poor boy.
And what would happen when the assassins realize that the guards that are supposed to guard a Kage's son is nowhere near the level of skill they should've been. They would of course realize that Konoha lost so many shinobi that they had to use their village's top shinobi on missions and what not, and thus left the protection of the "insignificant" heir of the Yondaime Hokage in the hands of some low ranked or inexperienced shinobi.
But as the years go and they recover the strength they've lost why do they still refuse to tell everyone of Naruto's lineage. Was it just convenient to have an outlet for their grief, a punching bag of sorts. Or didn't they want everyone to know that they had cursed and abused the son of their savior? Despite an understanding that they did what needed to be done, it doesn't change the fact that Naruto was treated as shit and he deserved more, not because of his parents status but because he wasn't given a fucking choice!
So is the senile monkey fuck also known as Sarutobi Hiruzen responsible for Naruto's bad childhood; in my opinion yes and no. He did have a lot on his plate after all. And it would be hard for him to earn the respect of the shinobi population given the fact that despite his reputation and shinobi prowess, he's still an old man.
He had to manage a shinobi village day to day operations, control the various clans in his village (the Uchiha clan comes to my mind) via a difficult game of politics and intimidation tactics, listen to his power hungry advisers, manage his own clan's affairs and protect its interests and have personal time for his immediate family. Then on top of that he has to make time for Naruto, i understand that he's hard pressed to do so, for God's sake he's like 70 years old.
But on the other hand he is the only one in a village of several thousands or so to take care of the boy, and he knows it! And it's his fault that Naruto has a shitty life do begin with. By telling everyone that Naruto has a monster sealed in his stomach and then the old monkey excludes a lot of other truths to "protect" Naruto. And he has the balls to say that he considers Naruto as his surrogate grandson, that sneaky and manipulating motherfucker!
Then there's the whole Naruto couldn't pass the genin exams the first two times because he couldn't do the Academy standard clone technique...What the fuck! Naruto's seal is designed so that he constantly gets chakra from the Kyūbi. Hiruzen and the higher ups of the village should know that, since they most likely checked the seal numerous times in order to understand it, so it wouldn't suddenly break and free the monster.
Naruto's training regimen could've been that he only masturbates every day as a physical exercise and he would still have more chakra than the average shinobi because of the seal's design. So Sarutobi Hiruzen and anyone else that wanted Naruto to succeed should have given him more advanced chakra control exercises earlier. But in the series it seems like it comes as a shock to everyone that he can't do that simple clone technique...
And Hiruzen's decision to not tell the village of the fact that Naruto is not the first Jinchūriki of the Kyūbi is one of his biggest fuck ups. Don't you guys think that people would've had more faith in Naruto's seal and humanity if they knew that the Kyūbi had been in Konoha's possession for nearly a century...
Take Killer Bee and Gaara for example their situations are similar but oh so different because it's common knowledge in their villages that either one or two Jinchūriki have lived among them. So they're not hated by the majority of the population but rather feared, especially Gaara since he started to kill people.
But Killer Bee was only hated by the people who lost someone when his cousin (The former Jinchūriki) lost control over his tailed beast. Even his best friend tried to kill him when he found out that he was the new Jinchūriki because his father was one of the people whom Killer Bee's cousin killed in his rampage.
Then there's another thing about the villagers of Konoha that irritates me: They're not only chronic turncoats they're also blasphemous scum. Think about it everyone in Konoha say that they have great respect for the Yondaime Hokage... Obviously they're not respecting his prowess as a shinobi and a seal master enough if they doubt his ability to seal the Kyūbi.
But to make it worse they doubt the strongest seal ever used to create a Jinchūriki, Minato summoned the Death God to seal the monster in Naruto... So not only do the people of Konoha doubt the man who single-handedly turned the tides in a world war, they also doubt the abilities and divinity of a fucking GOD. In other words; they're all infidels.
Then there's the whole; was Naruto physically abused as a child or not? In my honest opinion i would say YES!! And to further prove this point to everyone who might read this I'll explain more thoroughly.
For those who doesn't understand Naruto so well i have to mention that the boy Naruto lives in a hidden village (Shinobi village) that offers their clients a large number of services. To name a few; assassination, sabotage, information gathering, protection services and anything else that the village personnel is trained to do.
A Shinobi is a highly trained mercenary: Trained killer, murderer, torturer and generally speaking someone who makes a living out of other peoples misery. Sometimes they're hired to do "good things" like overthrowing dictators and rescue princesses or arrest criminals. But that doesn't change the obvious fact that they are violent people who are trained to perform certain tasks that requires such tendencies.
As I've already mentioned in this rant Naruto had a monster sealed inside of him at birth, that monster destroyed a good portion of his home village along with countless of its inhabitants. So it's understandable that they don't like Naruto since he has the thing that killed their friends and family members sealed in his stomach. And what does people in such situations usually want; REVENGE.
Their only problem is that the Sandaime Hokage has passed a law that prevents the general population to talk about the monster, and he has even taking it upon himself to "protect" Naruto.
To make it easier for people to relate to what the relatives to the victims of the Kyūbi attack must feel to see Naruto I'll indulge you readers in an incident that happened in my neighborhood a few years ago: There was this seven year old boy who was playing with a ball in a park, near a road with hardly any traffic, the kid was having a great time playing with that ball and his mother who was talking to a friend while watching her child play could relax.
Suddenly the little boy kicks the ball out on the road and immediately runs after it. The child's mother must've been so into her conversation with her friend that she didn't notice that her boy had stepped out on the road until she saw that a car was driving really fast on a 30 mph road. Needless to say the driver was drunk and he ran over and killed the seven year old boy.
The driver was convicted but a few years later someone buys a house just down the street from my parents house actually. Guess who that was? Anyway when the father of the dead boy finds out that the fucker that killed his son now lives in the neighborhood he completely lost it. And walked to the drivers home and starts to threaten him and his family. A few days later he comes back with a friend and kicks the living shit out of the driver. From what I've heard the father broke the drivers jaw, knocked out two teeth, broke one rib and gave him a severe concussion.
Despite what happened the father was arrested and later convicted for assault, and he was just a regular guy. A hard working normal swede that wouldn't in his wildest dreams picture himself in jail for aggravated assault.
Now look at Naruto's situation, can you see the huge difference. For those who doesn't; the father from my neighborhood was a normal guy and the number of people that were affected by the child's death were under seventy people. While the people of Konoha are not normal, not even the civilians in Konoha are since they live around those practitioners of violence and obviously have grown accustomed to it. And the entire village with all its inhabitants were affected by the Kyūbi attack.
This doesn't mean that entire mobs of people would try to murder Naruto every single day but he should have been a victim of frequent casual violence. Meaning spontaneous beatings by teenagers and young adults, bullying gone too far etc. In a normal situation any nearby bystander would help out, but with Naruto...I don't think so.
The people of Konoha frequently calls him an 'it' or 'that thing' even thirteen years after the attack so it's safe to assume that they consider Naruto to be at best subhuman. And if people know their history they should know that people can commit all kinds of atrocities if they don't even consider their victims as humans, like the Nazis did during the holocaust for example.
I don't usually like the anime but certain filler arcs are actually worth watching, take Naruto Shippuden episode 176 "Rookie Instructor Iruka". It's about how Iruka saw past the Kyūbi and there's this scene that's stuck in my head.
After Naruto fails to do a clone everyone starts laughing and some of the children starts taunting him. Naruto turns to one of the laughing boys to fight him, but Iruka stops him and says.
"Everyone! Stop making fun of Naruto!"
Naruto looks at his new teacher totally surprised that he stood up for him only for Iruka to glare at him and say. "Don't even bother...with this kid."
Personally I think that the 4th Great Shinobi War Arc is a mixed bag, mostly disappointing in my opinion. I'm disappointed with Naruto's relationships, I'm disappointed with the stretched out running friendship theme, the hypocritical theme of cycle “revenge is bad” *cough*(Shikamaru)*cough* and I absolutely loathe the glaring plot-holes that are popping up as of late.
It makes me want to punch someone in the face when people calls Naruto reckless but supports Team 10's decision to hunt down the zombie brothers... How does that make sense people??
I really don't mind the prolonged series but it's same lame idea over and over again. “Don't abandon your friends” yadda, yadda, yadda. It’s a good message but it’s not presented nearly as tastefully as it was earlier in the series. I mean…ten years later and we’re still on the friendship and rescuing Sasuke theme.
Sasuke has accomplished his goals and makes new ones while Naruto is nearly stuck in limbo. It’s true Naruto has matured lately but he hasn’t accomplish anything except one thing, gain shallow acknowledgement. He still isn’t Hokage and he hasn’t rescued Sasuke which is extremely lame for a ten year running series and Naruto has made no realistic new goals except making stupid ones like world peace (yeah… good luck with that kid). His persistence used to awe-inspiring but now it’s only annoying and bending on the point of obsession and denial.
But what's breaking my heart as a Naruto fan is the fact that they had to try and scrape together what they had left into a new sloppy storyline based solely around Sasuke. Just so that they could keep reeling in the profits... At least put in something fresh like a new villain or something and not another annoying upgrade to the Sharingan...
You guys know what I'm talking about. The whole I can not only control reality with my eyes but apparently fate as well...
Unsafe External Link