Author has written 9 stories for Saiyuki, Mummy, Inuyasha, Doctor Who, Transformers, Supernatural, Yu Yu Hakusho, Torchwood, and Twilight.
Likes: Transformers, gaming, K-pop and J-pop, Anime, Manga, fanfiction and reading
Hates: School, working and chores
Loves: Transformers, Yu-Gi-Oh/GX/5Ds, Inital D, Kingdom Hearts, Halo, Lord of the Rings, Rangers Apprentice, Game of Thrones, K-Pop, TORCHWOOD and Doctor Who
I’m putting this message on all my stories, please hear me out this is very important.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12, and I got help for it, mainly controlling my temper as I was a bit of a hot head. However, my depression remained in the background slowly building up and taking over my mind without me knowing. For many years I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and thinking of how meaningless life was with no real end goal, just working and wasting life away with nothing to truly keep me interested. I was surviving. Not living, surviving. I passed my day to day with no motivation for anything and my only enjoyment in life was reading.
When I was in year nine I remembered something I had forgotten and pushed to the back of my mind. When I was five, I was sexually abused by my babysitters 16 year old son. I don’t remember much of what happened at all but it haunted me. I ended up telling one of my friends who didn’t judge me for it and he encouraged me to tell my female friends. I ended up falling for him because of his support but he fell for my best friend and they started dating. That imacted my self-esteem badly. In actual fact most of my friends were guys but every time I liked one of them they liked my two female friends. I was fie with them going out, a bit bitter to begin with but I supported them. They were my friends and I loved them all dearly.
When I was in year 12, my life was not kind to me. It wasn’t horrible or bad but it was detrimental to my mental health. My parents couldn’t stand being in the same room as each other always arguing, my dog was sick, my school work was poor and I just felt disconnected from everything. The weeks leading up to my year 12 exams, my mother told my father that she wanted a divorce. We you can guess how that went down. So I had that pressure on my shoulders when I should have been completely focused on my exams. Then the week before my exams, my mother informed me that we were getting my dog, who I loved to pieces, was getting put down. I had yelled at them about doing this to me before my exams and it seemed like they had completely forgotten about my exams. I actually broke down while at school. My friends rarely ever see me cry and so it must have shocked them pretty bad.
After year 12 was finished then my mother moved out of our house and into her own unit. I went to live with her because my father and I had similar temper issues and had been at each other’s throats a lot as well as the fact my mother lived in the area my friends lived in. Dad and I became closer as we believed that what mum had done was very low.
I had my friends support. By best friend and her parents told me I could live with them if I wanted to and I did at one point for a week. However because of this issue my thoughts were usually very dark and depressing.
When I finished year 12, my parents never pressured me or anything but I felt it was expected of me to go to uni and since I thought life was pointless I didn’t have any real goal for my future and so chose something I thought would be easy enough. I was reluctant to go to uni and although not one was pressuring me, I felt they would be disappointed if I didn’t go. I stuck it out as best I could but my mental state went down greatly. I put very little effort into my uni work and in the end just stopped going and submitting assignments. After the year finished I had decided not to go back.
During my break I went back home telling myself that I would not go back and I would end my life. Most of my friends had birthdays in that time my own included so I kept putting it off not wanting to destroy their birthdays with such a selfish thing. I never told anyone anything. My mother and her new boyfriend kept pressuring me about my uni and I just tried to brush it away. This pressuring or what I saw as pressuring cause me to have dark thoughts majority of the day every day. I would often sit in the spar and think of drowning myself.
On the 2nd of March 2015, I tried to commit suicide. Unfortunately or fortunately for me, what I did wasn’t enough and I was taken to hospital. I told them of why I did it and I agreed that I would probably try again because of my thought process.
In the early hours of the morning I was placed into the mental health ward. After visits from doctors and talking with the nurses I was put on Anti-depressants and remained in the ward for almost a week.
During that week my mother, who had found me and called the hospital, had informed my family of what I had done and why. I felt ashamed of myself but at the same time I was disappointed that it didn’t work.
I was let out of the ward for weekend leave, and during that time I called my elder sister who had been very worried. I found out that every single person in my family were shocked and it came as a complete surprise to them. I was visited by my father who also suffered from depression and he told me that he had tried to commit suicide once too, but it didn’t work.
When I was in the ward I had a lot of time to think. My family helped me in any way they could. They called up to get me leave from the uni, they made sure I was taken care of. They even spoke to each other for the first time in a year and a bit just to help me.
Once I was released from the ward, I decided to live with my dad since he knew what I was going through better than my mother. One thing I was scared of was the responses I would get from my family. My uncle who I adore and loved dearly was going to forgo a trip to visit his girlfriend to come up here and visit.
I felt ashamed of myself. I felt like I had disappointed him. However he culd not visit so I called him. I was shocked to find that he himself had once tried to end it but it didn’t work out.
It had been a few weeks since I attempted to end my life, but now that its out there and I have help, I feel great. I can’t remember the last time I have felt this happy and free of pressures. I even apologised to my ex-boyfriend who I had hurt with my foul attitude and my reluctance to be with him after it was I who initiated the relationship.
I’m not writing this to get out my sob story but I’m writing it to get it out there to people who are like me and as a warning. No one ever had any indication of my mental state and I never let on. I may have broken down a few times while drunk and let them know my thoughts but I’m fairly certain they just brushed it off.
I urge anyone who has dark thoughts to speak to someone about it because I guarantee there are people who will help and not judge you for it. Everyone I have spoken to have never judged and if you have people who love you they will help you in any way. There are people on the Beyond Blue website who you can talk to and they are really good.
You can even talk to me. I am willing to listen and give advice on what I’ve been through and my father who is helping me through this incident. Please don’t give up. You never know what’s right around the corner of the road called life.
Depression is a serious thing and unfortunately it is very common. It’s not just an issue for middle aged people. I’m only 19 and it completely consumed me. Its not just something that happens to people who have had hard lives it happens to anyone and I don’t have a hard life. I have family who loves me I have a roof over my head, I have a good education, I have enough money to live comfortably with my parents and im not made to do anything I don’t want to. People may tell me I was just doing it for attention but I wasn’t. I firmly believed there was no point to life and it still crossed my mind every now and again.
Please don’t let it fester, talk to someone. you are not alone.
Here is my email if anyone wants to talk: email@example.com
Disclaimer: I own nothing from this site except my OC's and my stories. If you want to use a character of mine you need to ask permission. I will more than likely allow but i would like for you to ask so that i dont get someone randomly telling me my character is in another story. Enjoy reading!
Also, I have a fiction Press acount and have posted a short story. if you wanna check it out here's the link:
Dread and Relief: Complete
Loving an Idiot: Complete
The Runaways: Complete
Vikki Anu-Bast: In progress
Love of the wind: In progress
The Golden Wolves: Adopted
Quickstrike's Story: War on Cybertron
Transformers Fics: Being Plotted and pre-written
Images for Quickstrike's Story
War on Cybertron
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