Author has written 4 stories for Twilight, and Bleach.
RULES:(Updated 3/29/14 :P)
You must fill out EVERY question! No skipping!
Copy and paste this on your profile!
1. Perfect? Nope.
2. Tall? I'm average.
3. In your pajamas? Yes.
4. Left handed? No.
1. Friend you saw: Nathan.
3. Person to text you: Victory.
4. Was today better than yesterday? So far, I guess.
1. Number: 315, 413 or 7.
2. Color(s): Black, purple, blue, blue-green, and blood red.
3. Fruit: Apples or pears. Maybe oranges. And lemons.
4. Place: Japan and Kentucky.
1. Are you missing someone right now? Yes.
2. Are you happy? Ehh.
3. Are you sad? Ehhhhhhh.
4. Are you bored? Yeah.
6. Are you nervous? No.
8. Are you tired? No. I wish, then I could sleep!
1.Real name? Destiny Marie Phillips.
2. Nick names? Desi, Des, Bee.
3. Eye color? A blue-ish green-ish grey-ish color.
4. Zodiac sign? Virgo(September 15!)
5. Male or female? Female. I guess.
6. Slut? Slut shaming is bad :(
7. Smart? You could say that...
8. Hair color? Blonde.
9. Hair length? Really short on one side, down to my chin on another side.
10. Sweats or Jeans? Jeans.
11. Phone or Camera? Phone.
12. Drink or Smoke? I'm not old enough for either. But I'd rather drink than smoke.
13. Righty or lefty? Righty.
1. First best friend? Marissa.
2. First crush? Taylor.
3. First pet? A kitty named Blacky.
4. First big vacation? None yet, but I'm going to Florida in a few days!
1. Eating? Do pop rocks count?
2. Drinking? Blue bubblegum soda.
3. I'm about to: Edit more of my profile.
4. Listening to? My granddad watching a western on TV and the sound of popping in my mouth.
5. Plans for today? None.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
1. Shorter or taller? I don't caaare.
2. Romantic or spontaneous? Either. I like Romantic a little more, though.
3. Sensitive or loud? Sensitive?
4. Hook-up or relationship? Relationship.
HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Drank bubbles? Yes.
2. Lost glasses/contacts? Yes.
3. Ran away from home? No.
4. Broken someone's heart? Possibly.
5. Been arrested? Never.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
1. Miracles? HeLl YeAh BrO :oD
2. Yourself? No.
3. Heaven? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
4. Santa Claus? No.
4. Love? Yeah.
5. Do you like someone? Yes.
6. Do you believe in God? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
7. Answered the truth on all questions? Yes.
I'm The BOLD
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists
I'm Black so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
(well i kinda am but yknow)
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PORTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
Im a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
Im STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND/ORCHESTRA, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT ,so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE so I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD(kinda) so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST have ginger hair and wear a skirts.
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT, so I MUST be a tree hugging hippy
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, so I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s.
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.(
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I'm BI/PANSEXUAL, therefore I MUST not be able to make up my mind.
I'm ASEXUAL, so I MUST have been raped.
I'm a TRANS FEMALE, therefore I MUST just be trying to trick a guy.
Quotes That I like
If you have a tendency to talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
If you ever tickled the hell out of someone, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think a better world is possible, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like reading fics, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever gazed blankly at somewhere, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever had a cute pet, copy and paste this it into your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your Profile.
If your playlist is 15 songs or longer, copy/paste this into your profile.
If you want a cookie right now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever felt bored at school, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like to read what people put in their profiles, and you like Copy & Paste stuff, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile
If you ever lived in a country with earthquakes, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever managed to steal cookies from the kitchen, without getting caught, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like to wear hoods, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever played extremely bloody and cruel games, dispatching your foes with no remorse, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are the complete opposite of normal, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever yelled at the book you were reading because the characters did something stupid post this on your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy and paste this into your profile if you are one of the few people who would answer "where to begin?"
If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.
If several inanimate objects hate you, post this on your profile.
If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.
If you actually take the time to read other people's profiles, put this in yours.
If you think the human identification thing when you log in to fanfiction is annoying, copy and past this into your profile.
If you want to learn Japanese, copy/paste this into your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile.
Whether it's between two males, two females, or a female and a female, love is love! if you agree, put this in your profile.
If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have a tendency to talk to your self, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever crashed into a wall, then noticed that it was a wall then still apologized, copy/paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever been called eccentric/enigmatic copy/paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped down the stairs copy this into your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that life without computers is useless, copy and paste this to your profile.
8 Ways to scare your roommates.
8) Get alot of potatoes and draw faces on them and name them and make one your roommate. Then after a while eat your roommate potato. When your roommate ask why say "He just didn't belong".
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Answering Machine Messages:
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya, We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...really slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, but I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't get back to you, it's you.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something!
4. Hello, if you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call you sooner.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have Lots of money!!
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these plastic magnets.
8. This is not an answering machine...it's a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think your name, your number, and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number, and they will get back with you.
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table!
There's three ways to do things:
The right way.
The wrong way.
And my way, which is wrong too, but faster!
If has anything to do with fire, I'm totally in!
Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable!
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
.:You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same:.
YOUR GUY SIDE:
You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
Dogs are better than cats.
It's hilarious when people get hurt.
You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck. (Ahhh, this is kinda in between. I like them, but I HATE them. It's so weird. I love angst, but sad movies usually involve dying :C )
You own/ed an X-Box.
Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.(Who didn't, boy or otherwise?)
You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You watch sports on TV.
Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
You like going to high school football games.
You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
Baggy pants are cool to wear.
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Sports are fun.
Talk with food in your mouth.
Sleep with your socks on at night.
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/stick.
You love to shop.
You wear eyeliner. (Sometimes. Sometimes I'm too lazy to put any makeup on..)
You wear the color pink. (Well, I don't actually try to, I just grab whatever out of my closet. It doesn't really matter about the color.)
Go to your mom for advice. (Well, going to my dad about... Female probs would be very weird. JS.)
You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
You like hanging out at the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
You like wearing jewelry.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars.
You were in gymnastics/dance? (When I was like, 5.)
It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
You smile a lot more than you should.(This... Has nothing to do with being a girl.)
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
You love the movies.
Used to play with dolls as little kid.
Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
Like being the star of every thing
(Remember, though, nothing is truly a 'boy' or 'girl' thing. Boys, you wanna be pretty and shop or wear makeup and perfume? Go for it, you fab person! Girls, you want short hair and you wanna play sports? Rock the fuck on.)
Ok, so WHAT!?
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole! Copy and paste this if you have ever wondered the same thing.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. I mean, DUH
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is there Braille on the drive up ATM machine??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the park way?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Have you ever been captured by evil squirrels and taken to their secret squirrel hideout, but rescued by your vampire love, who ran around with a machine gun shouting die squirrels, die?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear brighter before you hear them speak?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
"Cute as a button." Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? I mean DUH!
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are? Do they lie?
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
A moment of silence.
If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.