Author has written 27 stories for Harry Potter, Tales of Symphonia, Zone of The Enders, Sailor Moon, .hack/SIGN, Dead or Alive, Kingdom Hearts, Sonic the Hedgehog, Pokémon, F.E.A.R., Phantasy Star, Tales of the Abyss, Persona Series, Legend of Dragoon, NiGHTS, and Destiny.
IMPORTANT: SHOULD PROBABLY READ THE IMMEDIATE BELOW
Legitimately practically every day i find myself staring into space, hundreds of random thoughts cycling through my head and none of them being loud or strong enough to give me something to do. I'm lost, i'm fucking confused, i have maybe...three people of support, no job, practically no money, very little desire, and that legendary willpower i used to have? yeah it's been pretty much locked away.
Now there's a reason i'm blarging this shit here and not at some therapist or some shit. Most importantly, it's fucking my writing up. Maybe...not so much the content, but my ability to focus on it. Literally for example my goddamn Kingdom Hearts fic, Kingdom Hearts Re: Order, has the next chapter almost completely finished at the time of me writing this (which is 8/17/2014 for those keeping track), and pretty much everything up to the end planned out, just not written. I should have posted it a month ago. i havent. why? it's not done. why? because this stupid fucking depression is so bad that literally when i do anything but think about it, as in if i try to sit and type, it goes away. instantly. i cant build up the will to. even if i've just spent the past twenty minutes mapping it out in my head.
so yeah, it's bad. like, some days i literally contemplate taking an entire bottle of headache medicine and seeing what happens. lost the apprentice. she will be missed. one chain left. ...actually been wondering if once the last one goes, it'll be a new dawn rather than the dusk. food for thought.
So yeah. i'm sorry. if you follow my shit, expect very slow updates. i mean, i've never had a schedule to begin with (you cant just...rush creativity maaan), but this just throws everything off balance. And before anyone says anything, i know pretty much all the sources of my depression, i just have literally no method (let alone the willpower, currently) to fixing/destroying/undoing them.
Also i dont trust pills. like, things meant to "balance out" shit. i know too well the scales of balance even if i'm not very well versed in the chemical side of things. This is an immaterial issue, through and through. it's damage that's been done to my mind and my "spirit" or "soul" if you will. it's having physical effects but i know for a fact that it is literally "all in my head". and i dont trust most people in the field. on the medical side, at least. because they're too quick to shove pills down your throat without actually looking DEEP into the issue. And i've known a few people that have been on shit like "mood stabilizers" and it fucked them up worse, because to "stabilize" you have to generalize everything to the same level. including the positive negative emotions. and by that i mean things like justified anger or rage or sadness. the shit that people feel that pushes them to get up and do something, to change their situation.
So yeah i dont trust pills. because they tend to work, but they tend to do much more than people realize. i know what i need to do to "fix" myself. i just dont have the strength right now. or the hope really. that's what i'm missing the most. hope. so if anyone's got any hope they can spare, would be welcome. i know where my problems lie...and i vaguely know how to fix them...it's just that lack of willpower that's the problem right now. so yeah. sorry. i'm still gonna keep writing. i mean, there's so much i wanna fuckin write still! i just cant promise fast updates in the slightest. even for stories i know back to front.
In the interest of making a smaller profile so those who do not see or have access to the "hide bio" button above, i have since removed the majority of my previous rants. i will leave one or two up just so people get to know the mind behind the madness. if anyone wishes to see my personal views on life, existence, people or random things, i will provide a link to my tumblr account. upon it is...stuff.
also i am ABSOLUTE SHIT at tagging things, but anything i personally ranted about, will be tagged under "Zero Shinzaki bleats about shit nobody cares about"
We now return you to your regular Profile.
Alright, i posted a story that involves a sphinx giving a riddle. now, i've asked this riddle to over seventeen different people in real life. I thought this riddle up myself. i'm going to put it here, to see if anyone can guess what the answer is. anyone whose already guessed (you all know who you are) cant participate, because in technicalities, going by the "rules" of how this is set up, since this is MY sphinx asking this question, you're dead.
you're walking through the desert sands of egypt, seeking entrance to one of the many pyramids. you find your way blocked by an unusual creature. your memory logs it as a Sphinx. It bids you answer its riddle correctly, or face certain death. you choose to hear the riddle. it bids you such:
“I am one without beginning nor end. Forever I flow forward, though many seek to reverse me. I twist and turn, ever moving, ever branching, but never stopping. All feel my presence and many seek to fight against it. I am the ender of worlds, the beginning of life, and the one thing that not even the Gods can control with ease. What am I?”
message me your response in a PM. and yes, the little blurb before the riddle IS important.
OVER 70 PEOPLE HAVE TRIED AND FAILED. THAT'S 70 CORPSES SITTING IN FRONT OF MY TOMB. GOOD JOB LEN!
Hey. a 4 year old girl got this riddle right. a bloody FOUR year old. come on people. y'all gettin beat by a kid barely older than a toddler.
OI! PAY ATTENTION!
Alright mates, i came up with another riddle.
"I begin with the end of the written word. I arrive first, yet I am the last to remain. Whatever you put into me will not change, yet take me from any and the result will stay the same. For some, my presence is a welcome respite, for others, a damnation of effort. One needs me to exist, yet thousands have me to spare. Should you look into the mirror, you will find that I will always be there."
Same deal as with the Sphinx's Riddle, PM me your answers.
ALRIGHT LISTEN UP!
Nah dunworry it's nothing bad.
Ok, so, years ago, i read this really interesting as hell Harry Potter fic that involved him basically breaking the "rules" of magic. I cant remember most of the plot but one of the big things about it was that because of his upbringing, and technically assisted by his lack of studying, Harry basically was able to "will" things to happen. His spells and magic was powered by his belief, in a sense. Ultimately this culminated in a few people (i think McG, Hermione, Ginny and a couple others) discovering what goes on with him, and slowly setting things up so he basically does "impossible" stuff, without realizing it.
i know this aint the best description but it's really been years, and bloody hell i cant remember the name of the title. SO If this sounds familiar to anyone, PM me the title of that story (or at least the potential title of it) so i can hunt it down cause fuck if i remember what setting it was under. i know it was an older fic, probably around 08-10 or so, possibly earlier. And if the author of said story reads this, you know what to do.
Also, i've begun making my own music. i'm still getting used to things, and i'm not the best at it. From this point on, there will be cues for certain songs. I'm building a compilation of all of them, but what i've created so far can be found here:
enjoy. these are the things that come out of my head.
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Rant on People:
Adults. i cant friggin stand adults. and i mean the older adults. the late thirties and higher ones. for one main key reason. It's as if they forgot all the important lessons they learned about life, love and understanding while they were teenagers and younger. it's like they force themselves to think "ok i'm an adult now. everything has to be different." No. it doesnt. yes, some things have to change. they have to grow. but growth isnt the removal of the old replacing with entirely new. Growth is taking the old, and morphing it to fit the new situation. Growth is to add new to old, merge the two, and change yourself to fit the new situation. Adults dont grow. they dont change. they force themselves to stagnate by "killing" who they were in the past. They force themselves to lose their experiences, only remembering that it happened, rather than the feelings that went on and led them to happen.
They suddenly decide that the concept of being "wrong" is suddenly something that cannot be allowed. they think that they have to be correct all the time, they think that if they're somehow wrong, they're a failure. no. it just means you were bloody wrong about that. big friggin whup! You're still people. people are flawed, people make mistakes. if it's perfectly fine for everyone else to be wrong but not themselves? bullshit. Make your mistakes. fuck up. fuck up big, fuck up small, just fuck up. but realize you fucked up. learn how. learn why. and understand.
adults are full of shit because they willingly stagnate themselves. they shut off their growth. they figure that because they're older, because they're under a certain title, they have to act a specific way, and shun all other methods. No. Act as yourself. the "Self" you built when you were a fuckin teenager doesnt need to die when you hit ANY age. grow? maybe. but growth is the act of adding new to old and merging them together. people dont stop "growing" until the're dead. and even then, their bodies continue to grow for a while.
The trick to it all, is to let yourself go. Let go of your ego, let go of your perceptions, and see through the eyes of others. if you dont understand something, look at it from another angle. change the situation that caused the problem, and you can understand how the problem came about, and how it can be resolved. but you have to let go of yourself to do it. and that's a sacrifice too many adults dont want to do, or dont think they have to do. no, you dont have to, but if you want to learn, if you want to live peacefully, your life the way you choose it, you should. or else you're just going to keep causing problems, both for yourself, and for the people around you.
and why do you all think that just cause you happen to be older than someone else, that magically makes you better? there's people older than you who spent their entire lives living in their parent's home, never doing anything for themselves or their lives. and at the same time, there's people younger than you, who have done things at their age that most people dont do even when they're old enough. so if a friggin sixteen year old can safely sail around the world on a damn boat, under mostly their own power, then what makes you better than them? can you say you did that at that age? no? then it seems by the logic most adults want to live by, that sixteen year old, is better than you. all you have on them is time. you had time to make your moves, do your thing, make your choices and learn your lessons. it doesnt mean you did. all it means to be an "adult" is to be older. to have been around for a few decades. it means you had a chance to do stuff. not that you did.
i went to antarctica at age what...fourteen? fifteen? yeah. round then. cant remember the exact age. going by Adult logic, that means that because i did something at age fifteen or so, that very few others did at that exact age range, i'm better than most of the people in the world. do i believe that? No. but that's how things seem to be, going by adult logic. in reality, all it means is that in a shorter timeframe, i was given an opportunity to make an action, and that action happened to be a rare one. people are given these opportunities all the time, but only a select few actually act on them. you're not better than anyone just because you're older than them. all you have on them is the fact that you were around longer. that's it. it means you had more chances to experiance things. not so much that you know anything more than the teenager in front of you.
if adults could just realize that they're nothing special compared to their younger counterparts, if adults could just let go of their giant egos and swallow their pride, admit that they fucked up and learn from their mistakes...
well...we wouldnt have so many goddamn conflicts now would we?
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Why does nobody get how resentment works? Resentment occurs when someone is slighted in some way. Why is it that "friends" dont get that when you bail on your friends, even for a good reason, if you dont tell them what's going down either beforehand or at the time you gotta jet, they're going to be pissed with you, for good reason? People seem to think it's perfectly fine to bail, and then have an actual valid reason...but not tell anyone until after someone has already bitched them out for it.
As if that magically makes everything better.
No, you're just making it worse. why? because you're letting them get pissed with you before you tell them what's what. They're your friends. they exist so you dont have to deal with everything on your own! Dont wanna tell them specifics? just give them a general warning that something unpleasant is going on in your life, and it might fuck with your plans at some point. if they're your friends, they'll take the warning to heart, and when they start to get pissed because you bailed, immediately they'll cycle through what you said (unless they're idiots, to which i say fuck them), and stop it from happening.
You cant just bail and expect them to assume you had a good reason, just because you're friends. especially not if you do it twice in a row. and even less so if you've recently had a big change in your life (such as suddenly having a significant other), which would allow them to have slight thoughts against your worth of trust. And guess what? when you whirl around after they bitched at you for bailing and giving some arbitrary explanation like "something came up", and you dont bother explaining the "something" until after? you're still an asshole.
It doesnt matter if your dog just got hit by a car, your mom just got shot, or your kid just shoved a broken pencil up her fucking cunt. By not saying even slightly what it is that's causing you to suddenly break your awaited plans, you're allowing resentment to build, and by turning around and revealing what it was, you're just being a bigger asshole, because you're making it seem like they should forgive you for leaving without any explanation, on the grounds that you're friends, and that now you're telling them what it was.
And if YOU dont even know what it is? But you're told its serious? Tell them "look i dont know what the hell happened but something big apparently just went down and i'm needed. i gotta jet, i'm sorry, but i'll let you know when i know." That, will prevent resentment from building, and you make yourself not an asshole because hey, it's not your fault you didnt know it was just your idiot of a sister demanding you come home to help her open a jar of pickles. It's not your fault the dumb bitch got herself knocked up. But it is your fault for bailing, even if you have a good reason, if you dont explain what that reason is, and if you dont know, its your fault for not saying you have no idea but what little information you have suggests immense importance.
If you're kid's shitting blood, and you dont wanna say exactly what's going down? Just say "hey...uhh...things are kinda off right now. i might have to jet. it's...something i'm not too comfortable going into detail with but it's serious." and if they still resent you for actually having a life? fuck 'em.
But dont just vanish, and expect people to forgive you because you had a good reason, and you told them after. Especially not if it's a continuous situation, and nobody but you and one other person knows about it, and you're bailing left and right on people who you claim are like family to you, and not saying why until after they've summarily bitched you out.
because you know what? by doing that, you're trying to turn the tables on them, and make them feel like assholes for being rightly pissed off at you. and that makes you even worse, because you're a manipulative sack of shit that needs to be killed for the good of humanity.
resentment doesnt just poof because you had a good reason for bailing. it's like a stain on a fancy carpet. it just doesnt come out until time passes, helped by scrubbing, but mostly time, and sometimes, it never comes out. but what you can do, is preempt that resentment, by at least giving a small blurb about why you have to go, other than "something" came up. the only time "something came up" works, is if the present company already knows about the bullshit that's going on in your life.
but dont misuse it. because the resentment will triply build if you use that truth to do something that's a lie. because they will find out. and when they do, they will never trust you again, because even if it was only that one time you did it, they're going to look over every other time you left, and start to believe you've been lying all along. And then? then, you lose your friends, and quite possibly your future, because sometimes your friends end up in high places, and years later your paths cross, and they remember. and then they block you from fulfilling your dream, because you did something stupid.
Dont try to be all macho or loner if you have friends. especially not ones you claim to cherish. if shit's going down, warn them, ESPECIALLY if you dont see them that often, be it because of distance, or schedule conflicts, and you have to bail.
Resentment is a powerful thing. it can be positive, in very small quantities. but generally? it's a negative emotion that mostly leads to further negativity. If you've got secrets you need to keep, best make sure they wont interfere with your friendships. if you've got shit going on in your life, best make sure it wont fuck up a planned gathering that's been months in the making.
Because if you dont? Kiss your friends, your family, your reputation, and your future goodbye. Because people hold grudges. and if you're not acting to keep them from having a reason to hold a grudge against you?
tch, then you might as well just not have friends.
the only time this can be ignored, is if you prefer telling the truth, and telling the truth causes resentment. if telling the truth causes resentment, dont lie instead, because lies create their own level of resentment even if they're "good" lies. just keep telling the truth. eventually, they'll kill the resentment on their own, or leave forever, because you refused to betray them by lying to them. if they leave...they werent worthy to be your friend in the first place.
this is a quote from an author on this site: muggledad. he wrote this at the end of his first chapter of Partners, and it struck a chord in me: "Looking at my own life, it seems like it’s all about relationships. My relationship with my wife, my kids, my boss, my co-workers, and so on. Within the context of these relationships, my life happens." These are words that i've been trying to come up with every time i get into an arguement about my life with someone. muggledad has managed to put into words, what i've been feeling since the day i finally understood myself.
Again, most of my views are on my tumblr. any and all major rants will be posted there, along with musings, ideas and generally story updates. the most reliable tag is, once again "Zero Shinzaki bleats about shit nobody cares about"
hmm...kinda failed on that whole "shorter profile length" thing didnt i? meh, whatever.