Author has written 16 stories for Devil May Cry, Slayers, Detective Conan/Case Closed, Bleach, Harry Potter, Yu-Gi-Oh, One Piece, Magic Kaito/まじっく快斗, Fairy Tail, Final Fantasy VII, D.Gray-Man, Black Cat, Trinity Blood, and Hetalia - Axis Powers.
Um...Okay I really don't know what to say...I'm generally the quiet kid who doesn't fight athoriety...I don't like bullying...I HATE Drugs and Alchohol!!!!!!! I like Yu-Gi-Oh! (all series), Digimon, Megaman (all versions), Kaito Kid, and Tokyo Mew Mew. I think politicains are overly popular Bullies who couldn't see the truth when it stares them in the face. I'm planning W0R1_1) 1)0Mi1/14Tio1/1, and am always in need of ideas, and or plots/plans. I'm an avid supporter of Necro-Kid, and see SapphireLibra3, DragonKnight15, sakurademonalchemist, and The Several, as Role-Models for writing and being out there.
My First Story I have published is: My Devil-ish Problems, it's kind of an idea I got from reading another story online and it gave me the inspiration for this.
Also, to anybody reading my story: My Devil-ish Problems, and likes my writing style and you have some ideas you would like me to type or advice on your own, shoot me a PM (Private Message) and I'll get back to you as fast as possible.
Also for those reading any of my other fics, please know that I spend have my day writing and the other half reading, so I will update, but I'm a random updater, so please bare with me!!
~Random Quotes found on other Profiles~
“This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence”
Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
“Are you sure that was smart? I thought you had to go back to your house, sacrifice a lamb, then kill the cat, bury it in the exact place it crossed you, THEN take the long way”—Roku Naruto
“Engage operation WTF!’—Roku Naruto
"Oh, don't worry in the slightest; it's her fault for blending in with the carpet." --The Queen of England (is cooler than you)
“This is the crack team that foils my every plot! I am deeply shamed.”--Spike
“I have no preference. I hate everyone equally.”—Avatar
"If you can’t beat them, join them. If you can’t join them, bribe them. If you can’t bribe them, blackmail them."
What?! Oh, do I have something in my teeth? Is my underskirt showing? Alright, let's get this over with. No, I'm not seasick, yes, I've always been green, no I didn't chew grass as a child... --Elphaba from Wicked
“Whatever my grievances, Headmaster,” She said in a dead-on impression of Dumbledore. “I am sure I can address them best by pinning you to the outer wall of your castle and skinning you alive. Knife?” She asked in the exact same tone Dumbledore had used and opened her cloak to reveal lines and lines of glittering weapons. --Had I Known by kalyl silverstorm
"We found a witch! May we burn her?" peasent-Warcraft III
“If explosive notes can’t solve all your problems, you aren’t using enough.”
'Puppy's a pyromaniac.' Curse of Fate by Mistress Nika
“Death Eaters," Lucius said with a hint of amusement. "We're here to kill you." The voice thanked them, wished them a good day and a silver badge dropped down. Dolohov picked it up in wonder and read it aloud. "Death Eaters. Reason for visit: Homicide." -Curse of Fate, Mistress Nika
Save it,” Sasuke hissed, “You may be the devil, but you are nothing without your minions and one of us is missing. So stop the big brother shit, put on your evil, lord of the darkness panties and find out who took my goddamn dobe!” -The Demilitarized Zone by michelerene
The scarred man smirked before looking at the occupants in the bed, “Hello, law abiding citizens,” his gaze shifted to the three Uchihas, “Marginally law abiding citizens,” and then his eyes fell on Kisame, “… citizen.” -The Demilitarized Zone by michelerene
Even Light’s plans don’t take spontaneously changing gender into account. Fortunately, he can adapt.”- from Adaption by Silver Pard
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it.
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but only if your aim is good."
"Women and cats will do as they please, men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
"Silence is Golden but Duct Tape is Silver"
"Homophobia is sooooo GAY!"-A random badge
“Outnumber this, you odd manifestation of post-human consciousness!”-- Phantom of a Doubt, by PotterPhan21
"Hermione, don't poke logic-shaped holes in my reasoning."-- Dear Order, by SilverWolf7007.
“With this rock I will RULE THE WORLD.” –someone’s avatar
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force!
When life gives you lemons, give them back and DEMAND CHOCOLATE.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
"Human's are like slinkys. Though they are not useful, it will always make you smile when one tumbles down the stars." –unknown
Everyone in the Great Hall stayed motionless as the doors crashed shut behind the Death Eaters. Since they were so quiet, they could faintly hear Voldemort scolding the one Death Eater for slamming the door. The people in the Great Hall were still trying to figure out what had happened. One minute, Voldemort was about to kill them one by one until he had Harry, the next, Harry had convinced Voldemort that he had come back to life a second time. It was very confusing. -- Compulsive Liar, by Tantra Megami
“The ceiling has noses,” Luna agreed.- Rebellion, by Tantra Megami
”You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you”- Unknown
It's the quiet ones you have to watch; they're the ones that grow up and become assassins... and then hunt you down. – profile of, Disgruntled Minion
'If you can't convince them, confuse them.'- Harry S. Truman
Facts are stubborn things-Douglas Adams
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." - It's just so true!
"Fuji-senpai, even robbers have something called survival instincts. You could walk covered in money through the park at midnight and still be safer than a babe in its crib." the younger boy scoffed. "That's not very nice, kitten." "But very true, good night, senpai." - Enigmatic Prey
"Disturbing? Who am I disturbing? This is a coma ward! Don't you WANT them to wake up?"
"I hate being called a skank. But I can be a first class bitch." –Reload by Case 13
Weather ain't neutral. - War Laws
Men: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.
Mines are an equal opportunity weapon. - War Laws
The voodoo priest and all his powders were as nothing compared to espresso, cappuccino and mocha, which are stronger than all the religions of the world combined, and perhaps stronger than the human soul itself. --Mark Helprin
No I WONT go to hell! They have a restraining order against me. – From profile of Death’s Favourite Child
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. --Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
“Indeed, Harry. Time to seize the Wizarding World by the jugular. The sweet, life giving jugular.” –From Harry Potter and the Boy Who Lived by Seel’vor
"The dangerous predator, the most dangerous of beasts is about to utter its terrifying cry before it attacks." The blond intoned solemnly. "This terrifying, merciless beast’s name is...the fangirl." – Reload by Case13
"Luke... I am your second uncle, twice removed," from- Whos Line Is It Anyway?
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." --Sign shown in a non-smoking zone
Spock leveled him with a stare that would’ve intimidated a Klingon. “I found you because, on an entirely subconscious and unintentional level, bonded the emotional sections of out thought processes. Now will you tell me why you were being bullied?” –The Vulcan Ruse by Heart in a Headlock
"Having never been eaten, I wouldn't know."-Sanzo from Saiyuki
“Oh my god, I'm imagining these little fairies that live on the other side of the tracks from Tinker Bell. They smoke cigars and wear bowler hats and pin striped leaves and have five o'clock shadows.” - My Own Iowa by T’Pinto
Cain blinked. “Riff is Riff. I am me. You are you. Cassian is Cassian and Jaime is Jaime. Well, Jaime is a very repressed Jaime, but he’s still a Jaime.”- Another Day, Another Life by YaoiKitten
Spock isn't going to do anything awesome and then think to himself how kick-ass he is. He's Vulcan, after all. If he found the cure for all diseases, he'd just be kind of like, "It was a logical conclusion based on the information at hand" and the "eat it, bitches" would be communicated through eyebrows alone. – Atlas, authors note
"Everybody's sue-happy nowadays." - Another Day, Another Life by YaoiKitten
"There are a few ways to silence the screams. Bullets happen to be one of the more efficient methods."- unknown, but sounds like something Sanzo would say
"Actually, Merry is cute in the she-looks-like-a-kitten,-let's-pet-her-'OW-SHE-BIT-ME' kind of way." - Another Day, Another Life by YaoiKitten
"I never argue with an idiot. They drag me down to their level, and then beat me with experience."-- from Pure Blood, Half Blood, by Kurosaisei.
Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
"In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this."
“I am currently being plagued by the mental image of Batman, naked except for his mask, standing in the E.R., with an enormous bat sticking out of his ass flapping its wings, saying 'I tripped'. I find it very distracting.” -My Own Iowa by T’Pinto
“Wake up and smell the roses that Creed-sama has grown his entire life just for Train.” –The Best Plans Are Improved by xXduchessXx
Another early-rising guest saw his smirk, and dove down the stairs to get away. –Entanglements by Vathara
Anything that cut down on what little privacy they did get deserved to be terminated with extreme prejudice. And then set on fire. -- Entanglements by Vathara
“…Severus, last year’s graduating class of Slytherins wore badges saying, if I recall correctly, ‘All your dark corners are belong to us.’” -- A Mistaken Sorting by Silver Pard
"Yes, I'm anti-unicorn and proud of it. Suck on that, girlie-girl." –Discordant Harmony by Hari-Aisu
"RAITO! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU MULTI-FLAVORED SKITTLE! NOW OPEN UP BEFORE I MAKE YOU TASTE THE RAINBOW, YOU MAN-BITCH!" --Discordant Harmony by Hari-Aisu
"I know! One Starbucks down, who knows how many to go! So, which is the next place to be terrorized on our 'Starbucks Wicked List of Ultimate Evil!' Rai-chan?" -- Discordant Harmony by Hari-Aisu
I'm the only Time Lord at Hogwarts. People laugh at my Sonic Wand.
“Quite. Then I shall change my detective name from ‘L’ to ‘Physics’ and shall start wearing black spandex, only to proclaim myself the science superhero of the next century.” Infection by DXM Junkie
Curiosity killed the cat, and staring will kill you.
My dads gone gallivanting across town on a sugar high so until he crashes and comes moaning home so I’m pretty much bored out of my skull.—Bleach with a dash of magic by Zerri
As the urban (and rural) myth declared, if you want to locate a Sanzo, conduct a little casual espionage and find the most attractive young teen in the area. The high-ranking monk is bound to be around.—Through the Stained Glass by Keiran
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off."
If at first you don't succeed - cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
"I can clearly see that and I'll get there when I stop sliding down this god forsaken hall!"- The Special Assignment by Creed’s Rose
Ooh... Matsuda knew a big word! Raito almost felt like patting him on the head and giving him a cookie. - Discordant Harmony by Hari-Aisu
“Our friendship has seen us through many an emo mood swing,” –It’s For a Good Cause, I Swear! By Sarah1281
"Cry me a river, build me a bridge, get over it, and I'll set fire to it when you are halfway across,"
“I have far too much blood in my caffeine stream.”-- Harry Potter and the Boy Who Lived by Seel’vor
Go get 'em, gorgeous, Gojyo wants to say, but he doesn't. 'Cos, well, you just don't. -- Regalia by Mariphasa Hecatene
“Your cat hates you. I’m not allowed to unleash farm animals in my place of employment but don’t worry you’ll soon understand why! I want a Pizza tree! When I say I’m the human embodiment of death I’m not kidding. I like pancakes. MELON. I don’t like you. Voldemort wears panties. Your ANBU is about to die. You fail at life. Drugs do not affect me in the least,” he added smirking darkly as the ANBU beside Danzou abruptly started to scream, hands going over his eyes, trying to claw through the porcelain before he tore it off and began to gouge at his eyes.—Lightning on the Wave by Araceil
They left a great many bewildered townspeople behind them, wondering how a group that seemed to possess such acrimony and disregard for each other could also resembled a well-oiled machine when (and only when) they felt like it. – Ikkou sentences by Blossomwitch
"Did you get a look at the trophy wife Janeway brought back form the Delta Quadrant? I'd say it was worth getting lost for seven years for that."
You are not the dandy highwaymen, and under no circumstances are you to demand that the Daimyo 'Stand and delivah!'--Things Team Nineteen Are No Longer Allowed To Do by H.E.Gray
THERE IS NO LOVECHILD. CEASE. -- Things Team Nineteen Are No Longer Allowed To Do by H.E.Gray
Enemy ninjas are not required to fill out any bureaucratic forms before they kill you. We are admittedly quite impressed that you managed to convince them of this, though.-- Things Team Nineteen Are No Longer Allowed To Do by H.E.Gray
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking." - Henry Louis Mencken
Groaning, Goku banged his head on the table. Gojyo just sighed. "Okay. Where do we hide the bodies?" –Entanglements by Vathara
"Badgers are awesome," Harry said, finally sitting in his seat, "all hail the badgers."—Rebellion by Tatra Megami
"Oh you know, sealed off my vaults from Dumbles and his lackeys, I need to get me some of those by the way- lackeys not Dumbledore's…" The time-lord gave an exaggerated shudder, but continued once Hermione shot him 'the look'. "Obtained various 'dark' books and artifacts, picked a fight with an inbred blood-purist whose name rhymes with Ralf-oy, pissed of the weasel bees, and snubbed Snivellus when the Order came to escort me to the station- driving him insane as he tried to figure out what I was planning. And ate all the red jelly babies. All in all a very productive period."—Riding the Storm by Snow white Kitsune
He looked up to see three identical looks of confusion, "Should Dumbledore wish to host some sort of ball we're not to take anything with extra limbs, any flesh-eating creature, or something that is larger than the Great Hall."--Repercussions of an Unwilling Vanguard by Alziper
“Zombies have rights too.”
"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice. — Curse of Fate: Outtakes by Mistress Nika
Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house, is forbidden.—Curse of Fate: Outtakes by Mistress Nika
"Look, there were two truths that remained true throughout time and space is that no matter where or when you go, one everything dies, though your Captain had to go and jack that up, pun intended. And two librarians are always terrifying."-- Don't you want to be on the good side for once? By You’re out of your Vulcan mind
"Save our Earth! It's the only planet that has Chocolate!!" - Facebook Flare
"Go, join the cult of thoughtless automatons. Leave me here…alone…unloved… Plotting world domination."-- Riding the Storm by Snow white Kitsune
"I didn't, not at first, but when you look past the homicidal tendencies and the slight predisposition to insanity, he's not so bad."--Memorials are for Dead People by xtiansugar
"I'm thinking we need something more positive, something that makes people want to join up. Not something that makes people think they have to join up, or be eaten by us as they sleep. Well, to be honest, I am guilty of that quite a few times over, but I didn't eat their flesh. And my servants don't eat people. Well, most of them don't. —Curse of Fate by Mistress Nika
Snape scowled at him, straightening his attire, which didn't look like robes at all. He was wearing a black, tight T-shirt with "Come over to the dark side... we've got cookies!" –Makin’ it in the movies: how to become a porn star by Rock Junkie and DikiCat
Shiny pompous bastards. Ooh, look at me, I only go near virgins. Like virgins are any fun anyway.-- Confessions of a Male Escort by She Who Cannot Be Turned
"There is something very appealing about seeing you suspended on the wall."—Her Price by mrsmish
Crowley was surprised and delighted that he, seemingly by chance, had acquired an aquatic psychopath. --Twofish by Grindylowe
"I tried to win that locket off the Gaunt girl." Tom said, as he was heading towards the door. "I lost five hundred pounds, thirteen acres off our property, my clothes, and we're getting married tomorrow. You can attend the wedding if you like." –Tom and Merope by Lucilla
The pouty tone sounded odd when spoken in that crusty, dry, voice.-- The Best Plans Are Improved by xXduchessXx
He was over twice the boy's age, nearly three times his weight, and almost half again his height; why the hell did he feel like cornered prey?—Rational Intercourse by AnihyrMoonstar
"I'm a ninja," Naruto protested. "Normal people can use the door. I, on the other hand, will continue to use the window to access my fourth floor office."-- Nothing but Trouble by Mister Cynical
Crowley is certain that Aziraphale, or at least Aziraphale's people, are somehow responsible for Superman. It is exactly the sort of tacky, ostentatious gesture that they would go for.--Partnership by auberus11
“When in doubt, kill it with fire.”-- Flame in the Night by gman391
"Right. The Shaving Gnomes must have come for it in the night and shifted it a halfway across the bathroom, the bastards,"—The Soft Option by violet gallagher
"Temari…" Kankuro sounded like he was freaking out again, although he might never have stopped. "This 'Naruto' guy is sounding more and more like a cult leader."—Please Don’t Eat Me! by Sarah1281
His tea needed a little more sugar—better yet, no, he needed liquor. Pure, undiluted liquor.—Falling in Love In Ten Days Flat by Novelist Pup
"It's because I am the coffee god, I could take over the world with my caffeine, I just chose to covertly control torchwood instead."—Stalked by Raeheart
Draco lifted one hand and pointed a finger at his father. "Gryffindor!" he yelled theatrically. It was the worst insult he could think of, and his father seemed to agree, because he looked like he was going to pass out.—If Wishes Were Thestrals by Kamerreon
Spock raised an eyebrow and turned his head look at the captain. Jim looked surprised, heavily shadowed eyes widening in alarm. "I find your choice of hairpiece highly illogical,"-- Top 10 Lines Never Said in a Star Trek Film by zephtasic
I am only half-Vulcan. What's your excuse?—Five and One: Things Not To Say In Shi’Kahr
It means Lady Luck is currently wearing a hockey mask and armed with a chainsaw—Ignition by Araceil
I support being gayer then a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide—A Good Omens stamp
And God said ‘Let there be fanfic’ and there was (and it was pervy)—Someone’s avatar.
I know where to go, just not how to get there.—Feline and The Bovine by Ayasha Yumi
"Let’s show those French bastards who is really in control! The fairies have blessed my endeavour!" Arthur cackled as he cracked his knuckled. He looked like a stereotypical Hollywood villain.—Oh, These Wretched Seas by demonlifehealer
Nore smirked at the other pirates; the fairies will get them back for that type of silent discrimination.—Oh, These Wretched Seas by demonlifehealer
There are many great truths in this world. What goes up must come down. When you play with fire, you're likely to get burned. And bringing marshmallows to a cremation or execution by burning is just plain rude… and kind of funny. Those are just a few such truths.—Cutting the Deck
"You've reached the Association of Drunken Youth Prodigies, Drunk Youth Prodigy speaking, how may I help you?"—Prodigy by ChipmonkOnSpeed
"I was three, and he was getting in the way of Lord of the Rings. I was being perfectly reasonable when I bit him. It wasn't my fault he started bleeding," —Prodigy by ChipmonkOnSpeed
"Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal: For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks: Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life And I will dwell in the House of Mochas forever."—St Drogo, patron saint of coffee by You’re out of your Vulcan mind
Can Sauron come out to play?—Someone’s avatar
I have no wish to kill anyone. A short term crippling will suffice. Slytherin –An avatar
Spock was staring at the screen, and frankly his usual curious interest terrified Jim right now. —Emperor by WerewolvesAreReal
You have each been selected for this mission because you are unknown to the enemy and you each have a special skill. Professor Hawkin, John Lesley, Phil Neville, the Wu Tan Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puff Monster and Daniel Day-Lewis. Welcome, to operation mind fuck! –Frankie Boyle
"I wonder if this methylenedioxymethamphetamine would have been as peace-inducing, during the wars, as the teachings of Surak. I wonder if such speculation is not in some way blasphemous."—Like a Little Green Wagon by Penbrydd
Diamonds are forever but so is a crippling injury."-- Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood! By Rorschach’s Blot
"Harry?" "Yes Draco." "I will eat your soul!"—Abandon Ship by Semika
"Huh? Oh," Dean grinned, "Harry is sulking because I refused to take his rant seriously and have given Hermione, Ron, and our esteemed headmaster probable cause to believe I am completely bonkers." —Abandon Ship by Semika
"Boy, you look down on me and I'll kick your ass right back in that box of yours. You ain't no cat."—Creep by She Who Cannot Be Turned
Something in Matsuda whimpered like a little calf separated from the herd. His respect for L rocketed skywards again, dismissing the appearance of unethical behaviour as irrelevant compared to the fact of Light.—Adaption by Silver Pard
They have T-shirts. 'I shared a flat with Sherlock Holmes and lived.'(And of course, there's the one who was wearing 'I shared a flat with Sherlock Holmes and died' at his funeral. The two events were not directly correlated. His mother was just a bit... odd.)—Ignotism by Silver Pard
No such thing as vampires. Edward Cullen is a fish from space. -- 100 Things You Know If You Watch Doctor Who by ZabellaCookie
"If I wasn't about to kill you and take Natsu for myself, I would advise you two to seek counselling."—Kindred Dragon Spirits by BonneNuit
"After Haku got him calmed down and convinced that Zabuza wasn't really trying to kill Kakashi-sensei, he showed him how to knit socks with senbon. That's a really useful skill to have. I wish I'd had the patience to sit down and learn it myself." –Time MixUP by Lucillia
Rooster had seen many so-stupid-it-works tactics employed, such as the whole existence of the cooking nin of Kaminari no Kuni whose whole purpose was to spoil their enemies' missions by making such good food that the ninja couldn't stop eating and would become too fat to fight efficiently. –Uprooted by Orrunan
My Jesus believes in fweedom, reads gay porn and watches The Daily Show. Which makes him better than yours. –Someone’s avatar
You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.—Unknown
Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. --Willy Wonka
"Do not be afraid! I come in peace!" She placed both her hands in front of her before she let them fall as she mused out-loud. "Well sometimes I come screaming, but only in falling circumstances." –Makin’ it in the movies: how to become a porn star by Rock Junkie and DikiCat
And then there are Sherlock Holmes' deductive powers. His ability to get up everyone's nose and inside their brain, solve crimes and (most importantly) scare the bejesus out of new acquaintances are yet to be rivalled by the coat. And seeing as those powers have saved lives, apprehended murderers and pissed off Anderson, it's probably lucky for everyone that Sherlock is yet to be rendered obsolete by the coat. –Objects, or why Mycroft needs his Umbrella by BraithGwirod
"Don't you know anything about history or culture?" The Doctor said. "Those books started a war you know. After they were rediscovered in 2124." "Who won?" "Ah… Team Jakeward." He shook his head. "Never upset slashers." –A Sweet and Tender Hooligan by You’re out of your Vulcan mind (YES! Fear the yoai fanghouls! We shall rule all!)
Ichimaru Gin: Stop trying to seduce Kurosaki-taicho. We have given him ample reason not to defect. No matter how many times you show up to battle dressed in go-go boots, a g-string, bunny ears and a smile, he is staying right where he is; even if we have to whore the entire Gotei 13 to him.—Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika
“I’ll kill you with my tea cup.”—The Chronicles of Riddick
"I find your use of facts against me offensive,"-- Schrodinger’s Vampire by The Divine Comedian
The Stupidest Things On Products
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Wow. That's really helpful)
On a child's superman costume:"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (Aw, that's the whole purpose of buying the costume!)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions:"Put on fork and eat."(No! Really? We're supposed to eat food!?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's just a suggestion).
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos!: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (the shoplifter special?)
On a Korean knife: “Keep out of children” (I should bloody well hope so!)
Boeing 757-"Fragile. Do not drop"(That means you, Hulk! Put that bloody airplane down, you might drop it!)
Scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets" (Again, I should bloody well hope so!)
Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children." (Good thing babies aren't children, isn't it!)
Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yeah. My grandmother died because she thought my hair dye was ice-cream topping and put it in a sundae)
Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (OMG!! That's as amazing as a newsreader reading the news!)
Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Lets experiment.)
RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe." (Did someone do this once...?)
Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain." (No. Duh. Sherlock)
Screwdriver set- Do not insert in penis." (Aww, but i wanted to screw it.)
So You Want To Be A Death Eater: Your Guide To Everything Evil!
Greetings, new follower:
If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.
Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorize and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing).
The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.
Yours in infamy,
So You Want To Be A Death Eater?
Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.
Aims of the society:
To be evil
To conquer the world
Elimination of all Muggles
Elimination of all Mudbloods
Elimination of Albus Dumbledore the Order of the Phoenix
Elimination of (miscellaneous)
To serve Lord Voldemort (that's me!)
To create sanctuaries for endangered breeds of snakes
This statement is a lie.
List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters:
(Equipment marked must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.)
Long Black Robes (Casual)
Long Black Robes (Smart)
Short Black Robes (for summer wear)
Long Black cloak (silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent)
Black mask (informal)
Black mask (sequined)
Black boots (Stiletto heels are no longer permitted)
Black leather gloves (barbed wire ornamentation optional)
Extra wand in case of losing first wand
Plastic imitation wand in case of losing Extra wand
Cane (For favored members only. Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).
Disguise kit, containing: Nun's outfit, false beard, beekeeping veil, Muggle policeman's costume, etc.
Curses and Counter-Curses by Professor Vindictus Viridian
Evil: A Beginners Guide by Professor E. Maledict
The Illustrated Torturer's handbook by Bellatrix Black
What Not to Wear in the Torture Chamber by Narcissa Malfoy
Sex, Lies, and Unforgivable Curses: The Authorised Biography of Lord Voldemort by Peter Pettigrew
Caring For Your New Tattoo: An Informative Guide St. Mungo's Hospital Skin Department
Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk.
Death Eater Rules:
No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore.
No Death Eater shall play the harmonica.
All Death Eaters must be proficient in the Dark Arts: murder, Unforgivable Curses, yodeling, yoga etc. An annual examination will be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch.
No Death Eater shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident.
A Death Eater must be pureblooded.
No Death Eater must ever mention that the Dark Lord himself is not pureblooded.
No Death Eater may kill another Death Eater without a very good reason.
All Death Eaters shall answer Lord Voldemort's summons immediately. (Unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bath robe first.)
All Death Eaters shall have vaguely sinister surnames.
All Death Eaters shall overtake on the left.
Frequently Asked Questions:
What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me?
As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:
Being slowly eaten by a manticore.
Being dissolved in a vat of basilisk venom.
Gradual impalement on your own wand.
Being tied to a chair and forced to watch episode after episode of The Wiggles/Blues Clues/Dora the Explorer.
Death by Mandrake (according to season).
The Pancake curse. (This newly developed spell will carve you into wafer-thin slices. Victims killed in this way are traditionally cooked in hot fat and served with maple syrup or lemon juice at Death Eater feasts.)
Being flayed alive and used as a life-sized glove puppet at Death Eater children's parties.
Avada Kedavra (if we're in a hurry/ feeling rather unimaginative).
What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?
Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible.
What is the salary like?
You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.
Does the Dark Mark hurt?
Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?
Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment?
No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question.
But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.)
Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?
You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.
Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort?
Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior.
What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?
This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it.
The Death Eater Anthem
(To be memorised by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly.
Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?
When all is dim and dark?
Who murder people in their beds
Or sometimes in the park?
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Our blood is pure as pure!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We all love Voldemort!
We serve the Dark Lord every day,
We're always very loyal
And if with us you don't agree
We'll boil you in hot oil!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're evil as can be!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
But if we're scared we'll flee!
Our curses are incredible.
We're known for our Morsmordres
And though our leader is insane
We always follow orders.
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're wickedness collective!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Yet rather ineffective!
Health and Safety:
Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.
However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord:
Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice.
Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.
If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.)
Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once).
Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private.
If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.
Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be.
Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously.
Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater.
Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof.
Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway.
Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming.
Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors).
Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc.
Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)
Obviously I have a serious Harry Potter obsession. Copy and Paste anything you'd like.
SO Just getting back into the Devil Survivor games, again, and me and my Best Friend were talking and it went like this:
Kitty: So if you had to choose, Team Elric or Team Naoya, who would it be?
Soren: 'Cause when Ed killed his brother, it was an accident.
Kitty: 0.o! 'I hadn't thought of that, caught off guard, I had trouble breathing, from laughter' WOW...
Soren: Didn't see that coming, Did yah?
"You are NOT sacrificing my cat to summon an Eldritch horror" -Kitty Katrona to Soren.
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