Hello Hello! Nice to meet ya! :D
Just an everyday fangirl.
Element of Death: Crowbar
Time waster: I spend a lot of time wondering how many writers on this site have died, with readers still waiting for them to update...
getting HIGH meant swinging at the playground?
the worst thing you could get from boys was c0oties?
'm 0 m' (was your hero)
and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?
and your WORST ENEMIES were your siblings
and rAcE iSsUeS were about who ran the fastest?
when-WAR-was a card game
and life was simple and carefree?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?
Put this in your profile if you're still 5 inside...no matter how old you are
The Boredom Survey: May all your time be wasted.
Let's start with favorites.
Favorite character from a show? Why? (It could be any show.)
That one guy that was in that one show that did that one thing that was really funny.
Kinda hard to chose but i guess a Jellyfish.
Panic! At the Disco is pretty cool.
...why would you even ask that?
Enough of favorites. This section is called 'Which is Worse?'
Which is worse?: Freezing to death or burning to death?
Burning to death. With Freezing, first you fall asleep, then your heart stops.
Eating a family member or a family member eating you?
A family member eating you. That would hurt.
Licking 500 payphones or Bush taking over the world?
Licking 500 payphones. That's really gross. I don't give a shit about Bush.
Having your finger smashed in a car door or a car run over your foot?
A car run over your foot because then it would be hard to drive to the hospital.
Getting chased by a shark or alligator?
I'd say a shark. See, with an alligator, it's possible to escape. But with a shark, it really doesn't matter how fast you can swim, they'd still catch you.
Your mom acting like Britney Spears or your dad acting like Eminem?
Narcolepsy or insomnia?
Narcolepsy because you have the chance of falling asleep during sex or crossing the road.
Having all your fingernails and toenails pulled off or having every hair on your body plucked one by one?
What's with all the painful questions? This is a really hard decision but I'm gonna go with the nail thing.
Choosing 'truth' or 'dare'?
A lot of people disagree on this but I say choosing 'truth' is worse. Confessions aren't as easy as you think they are.
Grating the bottom of your foot with a cheese grater or peeling your whole arm with a potato peeler?
………………Ouch. Potato peeler.
Deafening noise for an eternity or complete silence for an eternity?
Deafening noise. You wouldn't be able to sleep.
Missing the end of a really good movie or missing the beginning of a confusing movie?
Well, both would surely piss me off but I'd say end of a really good movie.
Having to swallow a mouthful of sand or being force-fed a cockroach?
Both are equally horrible. But I would have to say force-fed a cockroach.
Discovering your allergic to sweet foods or discovering your allergic to the opposite sex?
The second one. It seems impossible to live on this Earth if you're gonna be allergic to something there's billions of.
Last one: A friend who's a know-it-all or a friend who doesn't know anything?
Know-it-alls. I'd kill them after maybe a week. But with friends who don't know anything, you could always teach them what not to do so you could never get annoyed. I know it's not necessarily true, that's just how I see it.
Almost done! In this part of the survey, we're going to give you questions and we want you to answer them as best as you can.
First question: Why do they put holes in crackers?
So they don't poof up into a dome.
If you're in Hell, and you're pissed at someone, where do you tell them to go?
If someone said 'Heaven' to this question, I'd slap them.
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out of their nose?
You know thats a scary image to think about.
Why do people use the expression 'hear yourself think'?
Weird question, because they can.
Why do we assume Humpty Dumpty was an egg? (In the rhyme, it never says he was.)
That's true. I never thought of that. Probably to make it so its rated K and not rated R.
Isn't it disturbing how the word therapists are 'the' and 'rapists' put together?
………That is kinda unnerving.
Suppose the weather man says it's gonna be a 50 chance of rain. Won't that simply imply that he has no idea if it'll rain or not? (Think about it.)
Yeah, I see what you're saying.
If your last name was Crunch, and if you eventually join the army, would your name be Captain Crunch? Lol
Probably. I don't even like the cereal. It cuts the roof of your mouth.
Why are people allowed to sculpt naked statues, yet we can't run around naked?
In case you haven't noticed, artistic abilities and streaking are two entirely different things.
How come when something says 'Do not eat', we're tempted to eat it?
That just shows how stupid humans really are.
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on an envelope taste like chocolate?
Hell no. Because then people will eventually try to eat it like the retards they are.
"The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day."
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
''I became insane from long intervals of terrifying sanity.''
The road to success is always under construction.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I like you. You remind when I was young and stupid.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
If you lend me some money, it'll be my treat.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism
OREOS: first you twist it, then you ... oh it broke.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up
Everything here is edible. I'm edible, but that my children, is called cannibalism, and that is some crazy shit.
If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
“I don’t believe in racism in any way, shape, or form. I think there are idiots in every color, race and religion.”
"Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor."
"Evening news is where they say 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
"Procrastination is the art of university and college students everywhere"
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Apologizing: Doesn't always mean your wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your friendship more than your ego.
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody else in the cluster fuck of a world. That's how time works.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
The more I learn, the less I understand.
You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You
"Skill is being able to walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Intelligence is not trying."
"Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words."
"If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'?"
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police"
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport .
Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to make your face frown, BUT,
it only takes 4 to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother @#?&! upside the head... Pass it on."
Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.
I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.
I don't know what my problem is, but I do know its hard to pronounce.
I could never find another man like you...Hell, half the time I can't even find where I parked the car.
That's when I started breaking into people's houses. I didn't steal anything, but I did rearrange their furniture.
"If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
Irony: Falling down the stairs due to distraction by the "watch your step" sign.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
"We've just witnessed what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is 'being an ass'.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.
Is represented as:
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Jenny was so happy about the house they had found,
For once in her life 'twas the right side of town,
She unpacked her things with such great ease,
As she watched her new curtains flow in the breeze,
How wonderful it was to have her own room,
School would be starting and she'd have friends over soon,
There'd be sleepovers and parties she was so happy,
Because it's the way she wanted her life to be,
On the first day of school everything went great,
She made new friends and even got a date,
She thought "I want to be popular and I'm going to be,
Because I got a date with the star of the team,
To be known in this school you had to have clout,
And dating this guy would sure help her out,
There was only one problem stopping her fate,
Her parents had said she was too young to date,
'Well I just won't tell them the entire truth,
They won't know the difference what's there to lose',
Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night,
Her parents frowned but said "all right",
Excited she got ready for the big event,
But as she rushed around like she had no sense,
She began to feel guilty about all the lies,
But what's a pizza a party and a moonlit ride,
Well the pizza was good and the party was great,
But the moonlit ride would have to wait,
For Dan was half drunk by this time,
But he kissed her and said that he was just fine,
Then the room filled with smoke and Dan took a puff,
Jenny couldn't believe he was smoking that stuff,
Now Dan was ready to ride to the point,
But only after he smoked another joint,
They jumped in the car for the moolit ride,
Not thinking that Dan was too drunk to drive,
They finally made it to the point at last,
And Dan started trying to make a pass,
A pass is not what Jenny wanted at all,
(And by a pass I don't mean playing football),
'Perhaps my parents were right maybe I was too young,
Boy how could I ever ever be so dumb',
With all of her might she pushed Dan away
"Please take me home I don't want to stay",
Dan cranked up the engine and floored the gas,
In a matter of seconds they were going too fast,
As Dan drove on in a fit of wild anger,
Jenny knew that her life was in danger,
She begged and pleaded for him to slow down,
But he just got faster as they neared the town,
'Just let me get home I'll confess that I lied,
I really went out for a moonlit ride',
Then all of a sudden she saw a big flash,
'Oh God please help us we're going to crash',
She doesn't remember the force of the impact,
Just that everything all of a sudden went black,
She felt someone remover her from the twisted rubble,
And heard "Call an ambulance these kids are in trouble",
Voices she heard a few words at best,
But she knew there were two cars involved in the wreck,
Then wondered to herself if Dan was all right,
And if the people in the other car were still alive,
She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad,
"You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad",
These voices echoed inside her head,
As they gently told her Dan was dead,
They said "Jenny we've done all we can do,
But it looks as if we'll lose you too",
"But the people in the other car" Jenny cried,
"We're sorry Jenny they also died",
Jenny prayed 'God forgive me for what I've done,
I only wanted to have just one night of fun',
"Tell those people's family I've made their lives dim,
And I wsih I could return their families to them",
"Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied,
And that it's my fault that many have died,
Oh nurse won't you please tell them for me",
The nurse just stood there she never agreed,
But took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes,
And a few moments lated Jenny had died,
A man asked the nurse "Why didn't you do your best,
To bid that girl her one last request",
She looked at the man with eyes so sad,
"Because the people in the other car were her Mom and Dad.
This story is sad and unpleasant but true,
So young people take heed it could have been you.
The word Fuck
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word 'fuck'. It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, 'fuck' falls into many grammatical categories.
Greetings : "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud: "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation: "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble: "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression: "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust: "Fuck me."
Confusion: "What the fuck...?"
Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair: "Fucked again..."
Pleasure: "I couldn't be fucking happier."
Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost : "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief : "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial: "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity: "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy: "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Suspicion: "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic: "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions: "Fuck off."
Disbelief : "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Al Gore!"
Coca Cola went to town
ONLY IN AMERICA...
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
...are there handicap parking spaces in front of ice-skating rinks
...sick people go to the back of Walgreens to get their medicine, while healthy people get their cigarettes at the front
...people buy hotdogs in packs of 10 and hotdog buns in packs of 8
...the banks leave both vaults open and then chain the pens to the counter
...people order a double cheese burger, large fries, and a diet coke
...people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveways and keep their junk in garages
...people use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss the calls from someone they don't want to talk to in the first place
...is the word "politics" used to describe the process so well; "Poli-" in latin means "many" and "tics" mean "blood-sucking creatures"
"One day a Russian man, found an old tea pot and finding that when he rubbed it a genie was inside, the genie than said this, "I will grant you any wish that you ask of me. But know this anything that you get your neighbor will receive twofold. What is it you request."
Well the Russian thought about it for a moment and then he made his wish. "I wish for you to poke one of my eyes out.
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less
16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
Mental Hospital Phone Menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital!
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blond, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
7 reasons not to mess with kids
Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”
Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.
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