salt'and'pepper'pig
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Joined 07-05-11, id: 3046662, Profile Updated: 10-01-12
Author has written 5 stories for Harry Potter, Doctor Who, and Torchwood.

Hey! I'm salt'and'pepper'pig and I have absolutely loved FanFiction since my friends introduced me :D

I love Doctor Who (and am not ashamed of it) and I love Harry Potter :D


Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts(this is hilarious)

1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."

8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."

10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."

14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.

16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.

17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.

18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.

24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."

25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell.

26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bees."

29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

30) I will not go to class skyclad.

31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."

32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.

35) I will not call the Weasley twins, "bookends."

36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."

37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts.

40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"

41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck.

42) I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

43) I will not lick Trevor.

44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."

45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.

46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.

47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.

48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice.

50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

51) No matter how good my Australian accent is, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures.

52) Asking the the question 'how do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?' and walking away is only funny the first time.

53) I will not ask Barty Crouch Junior where he parked the T.A.R.D.I.S

54) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

55) I am not allowed to use the term pimp cane in front of Lucius Malfoy.

56) I will not impersonate Gordon Ramsey in Potions Class.

57) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

58) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they are real animals.

59) Bringing fortune cookies to Divination does not count for extra credit.

60) I will not wear my 'Death Eater and Proud' t-shirt on school grounds - that includes on Hogsmeade visits.

61) I will not refer to McGonagall as 'Professor McBadass'.

62) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and will not use war cries to signal my arrival to class.

63) I will not try and start Naked Thursday in the common room.

64) Getting everyone in the hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me House Points.

65) I will not call Aragog "Charlotte".

66) I will not call Professor Dumbledore "Santa".

67) Or "Gandalf"

68) I shall not substitute my school robes for prydonian robes

69) There is not 'Bring a muggle to school Day' and I should stop insisting there is.

70) Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

71) I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as the "Wicked Witch Of The North/South/East or West.

72) I will not ask if Professor McGonagall has an inapropriate relationship will Mrs. Norris

73) Should I see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera".

74) There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

75) Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate.

76) I will not Take red paint and write creepy messages on the walls.

77) I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III.

78) Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.

79) I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform.

80) Nor can my winter scarf be longer than standard issue.

81) I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

82) Or transform a pepperpot into a Dalek.

83) Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

84) Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

85) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

86) Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
-Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.
-Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".

87) The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

88) Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.

89) I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

90) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

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Harry Potter: My Life Is My Own by Sashian reviews
Harry has a great memory, photographic even. He remembers everything even the day he was born. Every sight, sound, smell or touch he remembers with crystal clarity and he has power from the moment he is born. And whats up with Hedwig? All chapters edited for spelling, grammar, and some content. You may want to re-read it.
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Black Secrets by A Marauder's Quill reviews
(Undergoing a revamp. Updated chapters will be reposted soon)
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Moonrise by alfalfaba reviews
Luna was always special, alway different. But after misfortune sweeps through her life, she finds herself somewhere even she couldn't have imagined.
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Finn and Rachel have been best friends for seven years. However, they are about to discover that one kiss can change everything. AU. Now Complete.
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Weight of the World by Kelsbury reviews
Hermione is sent back in time by an explosion and has to live life among the Marauders. Can she get home? What if she finds love and herself along the way. Will she choose to go home?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 60 - Words: 240,135 - Reviews: 839 - Favs: 921 - Follows: 393 - Updated: 12/25/2010 - Published: 8/2/2009 - Hermione G., Sirius B. - Complete
Chandelier by Artemis Day reviews
Harry Potter, Alan Granger immediately decided, was probably the worst sort of son-in-law imaginable. Based on a true story. HHR.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,809 - Reviews: 200 - Favs: 1,108 - Follows: 169 - Published: 3/15/2009 - [Harry P., Hermione G.] - Complete
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Come and Get Me reviews
Jaime survived the Valiant, she survived Abaddon, but how will she fair when her brother comes back, threatening not only her but the life she's started back at home in Cardiff. Third a series, read Try and Stop Me then Just You Watch Me first!
Crossover - Doctor Who & Torchwood - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 6 - Words: 23,688 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 7/6/2013 - Published: 11/3/2012 - Jack H., Owen H.
Just You Watch Me reviews
Okay, so maybe Jaime got it wrong. Maybe a lot could happen in Cardiff. Sequel to Try and Stop Me! Rated T for language.
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Try and Stop Me! reviews
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Metamorphmagus, Metamorphmagus reviews
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Back To School reviews
Hermione, Ron and Harry go back to school and Ron and Hermione are the newly announced Head Boy and Girl. But when Ron wants to take his and Hermione's friendship to more than that plus George comes back to finish 7th year, who will she choose? please r&r
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,150 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 8/2/2011 - Published: 7/29/2011 - Hermione G., George W. - Complete
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