Mr. Mage
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Joined 07-15-11, id: 3072318, Profile Updated: 01-03-12
Author has written 3 stories for Harry Potter.

FORMERLY KNOWN AS THEMARAUDERPHOENIX. I HAVE UNDERGONE A NAME CHANGE. I AM SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENIENCE.

You know what I want to know? If something with a weightless charm on it is dropped, will it float? If so, how do you get a weightless charmed trunk or robes to stay on the ground?

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You know what's weird? My school has a Room 23 1/2. And it's a room that connects two other rooms. Creepy, right? This is where I stand in terms of fanfiction: I am a huge fan of Harry Potter, and therefore those stories are most likely to be the only ones I write. In terms of characters, I think Harry and Hermione make the best couple. Ron is not very smart, but can be good or bad depending on how the light hits him. Ginny is a match for Neville(who is a great, if timid, wizard) and is a good friend to Harry and Co. (a little tribute to Siofra right there). DumbOldDoor is a lying, manipulative...bad guy. As I am against cussing, you will not find any vulgarity in my stories. Updates will come as soon as I can figure out how typing stories works. Currently, I have little plot bunnies running around my head at speeds that would make sonic booms blush at being so slow, so that will be soon. My updates should come once every day now, as my mom just gave me unlimited time when it comes to writing stories. I myself have a marauder side. I don't make jokes that often, but when I do, they're hilarious, if I do say so myself.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and sit back and smirk as everyone wonders just how the heck you managed it

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isnt for you

If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on

I'm smiling. That really should scare you.

I had a pet rock once. It died. *sniff*

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

Someday, we'll look on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas

If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating.

That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

When in doubt, push random buttons!

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter

If you can't beat the computer at chess, try kickboxing.

When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's psychotic.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people...

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking

He who laughs last thinks slowest

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work

I'm not cynical, I just see things the way they are

I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good

I'm not as dumb as you look

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Sarcasm is one more free service we offer.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing

Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.

Anything thrown hard enough should hurt.

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty, I say, "Are you gonna drink that?"

When I was born, I was so shocked that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already.

The trouble with life, is there's no background music.

I couldn't repair you brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead, do not walk in front of me for I will not follow. If you want to walk besides me, go far it, but don't expect a big reaction...

For people who like peace and quiet: Get a PHONELESS CORD!

I don't get even, I get odder.

I have a photographic memory, but it takes a day to develop.

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly, if it's worth it.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why...some people seem bright until you hear them speak.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says "So far so good!"

If Fed ex and UPS merge, they would be called Fed UP.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Love me, Hate me, make a voodoo doll of me and stick it full of pins, I will continue to be indifferent to you.

To be alone is to be different; to be different is to be alone.

The beatings will cease once moral improves.

Excuse me while I find a container for my joy.

People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do.

Instructions:

On American Airlines packet of nuts: "Open packet, eat nuts."

On bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery." (I'd be more concerned that they thínk children are supposed to drive cars and operate machinery in the first place.)

On candle: "Warning: A burning candle is fire." (I thought it was water... ;P )

On Children's Aspirin: "Warning: Keep away from children." (Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?)

On child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (What kind of garment does, then?)

On Dial soap: "Use like regular soap." (and the difference is?)

On food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (What other use?)

On frisbee: "Warning: may contain small parts." ('Small parts' of what?.)

On hair coloring: "Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Um... what?)

On jigsaw puzzle: "Warning: Some assembly required." (I don't think I need to say anything about this one...)

On Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children." (I think something got lost in the translation...)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (No, really?)

On Nytol sleep aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (As above.)

On package of artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (Yeah, I'm really comforted by the knowledge that I'm eating real fake bacon.)

On package of pasta, after cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (How to eat for dummies)

On railroad sign: "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." (Your honor, this dead guy is accused of touching the wires at the railroad. I didn't know you could sue dead people...)

On Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But i am to lazy to take the pants of)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (No peas?)

On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Kind of hard to fall asleep while using your hairdryer)

On string of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (I totally agree, using them in outer space just wouldn't work.)

On Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion!)

On Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Could anyone who's tried this, please raise your hands?)

On Taiwanese blanket: "Warning: Not to be used as protection from a tornado." (Thanks for the warning, but i wasn't gonna try anyway.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert, printed on bottom of box: "Do not turn upside down." (Uh oh, too late!)

Interesting and insane laws:

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a 500 dollar fine. (I can blow up New York and only get a $500 bill?)

It is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrants.

It is illegal to allow a dog to be in a public place without its master on a leash. (The master on a leash??)

It is illegal to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight. (taillight? Like taillight on a car?)

It is illegal to carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. (This law has to be made be a business owner.)

It is illegal to drive a motor vehicle on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it. (How old is that one?)

It is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire. (Unless you are eating in heck)

It is illegal to purchase an alcoholic beverage after midnight on Sunday, yet one may do so on Monday. (...)

It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.

It is illegal to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. (Why?)

It is illegal to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (Strange, but not illogical until you take into account that there is no coastline at all in the state in which this is a law...)

It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

And last but not least... the penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Just a few questions in need of an answer:

Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do doctors leave the room when you strip? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Do cannibals refuse to eat clowns because they taste funny?

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the speed of light is 300,000 kilometres per second, what's the speed of dark?

Why do dogs get mad when you blow in their face and then they stick their head out the window in a car?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why does round pizza come in a square box?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why is it that to turn off Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" in it?

If vegetable oil made from veggies and oil, what is baby oil made of?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Mousetraps are operated by people, right? Now, isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why does the sun make our hair lighter and our skin darker?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

If a fat chicken laid eggs, would it sit on them?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do people say, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Why do our noses run and our feet smell?

Why do people say "slept like a baby" when babies wake up and cry every two hours?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, then what happens at a workstation?

If sheep coats are made of wool, why don't they shrink when it rains?

Light travels faster than sound - is that why some people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor since you can't drink and drive?

Can you cry underwater?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Why are marbles so called when they’re made out of glass?

How can something be both new and improved?

If the sign says "Keep Off The Grass", how did it get there in the first place?

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Anything's Possible by sillycucumber reviews
Harry knows now what he has to do. He's the only one who can. Everyone helps him out with the fulfilment of the prophecy, but he receives help from last person he would have ever expected, a relative long thought dead. AU DH
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 53 - Words: 518,916 - Reviews: 969 - Favs: 685 - Follows: 588 - Updated: 11/23/2013 - Published: 12/4/2005 - Harry P., Ginny W. - Complete
Harry Potter & Death's Ultimatum by White Angel of Auralon reviews
When Ron stormed out of the tent, Hermione went after him to stop him and disapparated with him. What will happen following this small change to DH ? What will Harry do without his friends?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 14 - Words: 77,977 - Reviews: 701 - Favs: 1,695 - Follows: 967 - Updated: 9/28/2012 - Published: 7/4/2012 - Harry P. - Complete
Rising From Ashes by Colourful Shades reviews
For the sake of greater good, Dumbledore decided to send Harry away from his family, so that his twin brother, Niall the boy-who-lived can get all the attention, without permission of Lily and James, making them believe that Harry is dead. Now ten year's later, a boy with striking resemblance to James comes at Hogwarts without the knowledge of his own identity.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 10 - Words: 21,770 - Reviews: 213 - Favs: 324 - Follows: 464 - Updated: 9/16/2012 - Published: 6/27/2012 - Harry P., James P.
Harry Potter and the Dark Phoenix by Shadow Phoenix of Slytherin reviews
"When Shadow, Light and Water unite in their great fight, Earth and also Fire will stand then on their right." That's what he said. After Voldemorts rise to power, everything changed. However... how many months can fit into four weeks? Harry found out the summer after his fourth year and finally took matters into his own hands which leads to an entirely different fifth year.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 44 - Words: 232,081 - Reviews: 1036 - Favs: 1,658 - Follows: 1,475 - Updated: 7/22/2012 - Published: 5/21/2009 - Harry P., Hermione G. - Complete
Little One by hyper active pixie reviews
Severus and Lily made up before the Potters died.Positive that Harry is being pampered more then his Godson Draco Malfoy, Severus doesnt look into it.But something Dumbledore says at an Order meeting gets to Severus...he just has to be sure he's not right
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 26 - Words: 68,107 - Reviews: 1722 - Favs: 2,186 - Follows: 1,184 - Updated: 10/2/2011 - Published: 5/3/2011 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Oh God Not Again! by Sarah1281 reviews
So maybe everything didn't work out perfectly for Harry. Still, most of his friends survived, he'd gotten married, and was about to become a father. If only he'd have stayed away from the Veil, he wouldn't have had to go back and do everything AGAIN.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 50 - Words: 162,700 - Reviews: 9498 - Favs: 10,608 - Follows: 4,550 - Updated: 12/22/2009 - Published: 9/13/2008 - Harry P. - Complete
The Pureblood Conspiracy by Nom9de9Plume reviews
Did you ever wonder why Death Eaters prefer to throw stunners at purebloods and more dangerous and deadly ones at half-bloods and muggle born? Why do Aurors only use non lethal curses even when faced with lethal ones? - Harry finds out. Chap 28 up! H/HR
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 28 - Words: 133,782 - Reviews: 1856 - Favs: 1,808 - Follows: 2,431 - Updated: 6/1/2009 - Published: 3/9/2008 - Harry P., Hermione G.
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Four Friends Vs the World, Round 1: Trust reviews
Four friends, betrayed by those they trusted. Four friends, making their way in the real world. Who can Harry trust? Who are the Four Friends? How can they stop those who wish to harm them? To answer their questions, they'll have to take on the world.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,284 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 10/6/2011 - Published: 8/21/2011 - Harry P., Hermione G.
Harry Potter and the Power of Emotions reviews
A time travel H/Hr fic. I just wrote this for fun. After the final battle, a kiss betweeen friends sends the world out of proportion. Harry discovers his inheritance, and lets his marauder side out. And just what is DumbOldDoor playing at?
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 14,764 - Reviews: 160 - Favs: 238 - Follows: 324 - Updated: 9/21/2011 - Published: 7/22/2011 - Harry P., Hermione G.
Luna Foretold You So reviews
A short, hilarious fic. What if Fate had a marauder side? She looks upon the bullied Luna, and decides to prank the big fat meanies by way of a prophecy. Seer!Luna and MadScientist!Neville. Thanks to the author Cuervo Blanco for the idea.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 642 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 7/24/2011 - Luna L., Neville L. - Complete
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