Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
If you believed what you read in fanfiction, you would believe that...
Note: All of these were not written by me (some were, however). These are the ones that are most fitting to the DBZ and DBZ/sm sections and/or my personal favorites. I'll post the rest some other time.
-The teenage protagonist is always right and knows more than any of the adult characters.
-Teenage girls can routinely and easily beat grown men in any kind of physical contest.
-There IS such a thing as "healing sex." It works really well on rape victims, especially if the person administering it is drop-dead gorgeous.
-Heterosexual sex doesn't cause pregnancy... but male-male sex does.
-Men have a hymen just like women and that it hurts for them the first time just like it does for women. And that they bleed after doing it for the first time too.
-Rape is an incredibly moving experience with no lasting effects, physical, emotional or social, unless your a guy in which case you immediately become pregnant, possibly keeping the fetus in a box.
-Sixteen year old girls all have access to advanced time travel equipment, allowing them to master skills that would take a life time of practice in a moment.
-Sixteen-year-old girls are innately gifted at whatever they happen to turn their hands to -- sex, computer programming, sex, music, sex, wizardry, sex, astroengineering, sex, fighting, sex, you name it. In any field requiring a certain amount of study or practice, the sixteen-year-old girl will on her first attempt show herself better than canon characters who have worked in the field for decades.
-(any character here) speaks L33t and TXT-fangirl.
-There is no problem so dire that a good shag can’t solve it.
-Heroes cannot save the world with canon characters alone. They need a stunning, powerful love interest to aid them.
-Beware of lightning and black holes, they'll suck you into the world of your favourite show/book/movie.
-Mary Sue isn't a bitch- she's just abused and misunderstood and has vast wells of hidden power that cause her to act in rebellious and mysterious ways. We should follow her and swear allegiance to her because she will soon be proven right and when her power is unleashed all who don't stand with her shall be crushed and it's their own fault for not thinking she's the most beautiful and smartest and bestest thing in the whole world.
-If two men are in a sexual relationship, one of the men must be...
-Injuries suffered by "good" characters always heal quickly and completely, with no permanent side-effects. ("Well, yes, I was paralyzed from the waist down and confined to a wheelchair," said Mary Sue as she leaped onto the uneven parallel bars, "but that was last week.")
-Similarly, physical injuries never have any distasteful or squicky aspects. If Mary Sue does happen to be paralyzed from the waist down for a week, no one will ever have to empty her catheter bag.
-Two male characters who have been exclusively heterosexual all their lives will tumble unhesitatingly into bed and engage in lots of hot, slashy sex with never a fumble, emotional or physical.
-"this is so gr8, plis rit mor!!!!!111" is considered good feedback.
-Weird eye and hair color makes you sexy.
-It's cute for a young girl to eat disproportionate amounts of food.
-People, main characters especially, are hospitable to the point that they routinely invite complete strangers (who usually magically fall out of a portal in the sky, often conveniently in the main character's back yard) to live with them until they "find him/her a better place to stay" (which they never end up doing). This "special, plot twisting" occurrence often immediately preceeds or follows the dumping/divorce/death of a "HOT MALE'S" "DAMNED" girlfriend/wife/soulmate, which almost always leads to... Bah, I don't want to go there. Besides, that's off topic.
-A grouchy and rude loner will turn mysteriously polite and sweet at gorgeous "special" girls...
-Dry anal sex feels great!
-If you have a long and exotic name, you probably have tons of super powers and everybody loves you.
-Though it is true that Selenity Starblossom is an exemplary name at which no one would ever bat an eye, it is also perfectly normal for a character living in feudal Japan to be named Meagan or Ashleigh.
-Barging uninvited into a Hot Canon Character's place of residence and insulting, defeating, or outright murdering someone he loves and/or respects in front of his face is a GREAT way to get him to like you!
-Grown men, especially hardened, weathered killers from other planets and dimensions, really identify with the lyrics to N'Sync songs.
-Absolutely *nothing* is to be taken at face value. *Everything* has a Hidden Meaning, rooted deep in the character's Tragic Past. My penchant to drink the blood of my enemies, for instance, stems from a deep psychosis that started when I was a teenager and lost the love of my life when she bled to death because of a fatal paper cut, incurred when she jumped in the way of a potentially deadly paper airplane thrown by my brother and I simply can't bear to see a single drop go to waste. Or something.
-The longer and more cumbersome the name, the more beautiful it will be.
-Every member of every canon race understands modern idioms and current slang.
-Netspeak is a charming and musical language which is easily understandable to all readers, and should therefore be used on all occasions.
-It is forgivable to omit a decent plot, believable characterization, adequate description, correct spelling, proper grammar, good punctuation or lucid prose from a story, but it is never EVER forgivable to omit a lust object/pairing.
-Just as anyone who takes a paintbrush and smears a daub of red on canvas is an artist, and just as anyone who bangs the scales on the keys of a piano is a musician, so is anyone who writes words on screen and then posts them an author. No skill, talent or technique is involved.
Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
Good news: Apparently, the imposter stopped.
Sunday, March 30th, 2003
To anyone who may have received an unsigned review written by "ReignOfTerror (email@example.com)":
To make a long story short, there's an imposter on the loose.
I am a very well known and hated person in the DBZ/sm section, for my brutally honest flames and comments to certain so-called 'authors' who quite frankly were simply not fit for writing. Anyway, one of the sailormoon groupies (moonies) saw it fit to plunge to a new low by copying various reviews written by me or other reviewers and sending them to random authors in random sections, all over ff.net. And no, of course, this lowlife, cowardly excuse for a human being did not read your story, which is why the review you received makes absolutely no sense to you at all.
Though I'm not counting on it, if you have any idea who the scumbag is, please let me know. Also, please delete every review left by the little wanker.
The jackass started doing this approximately a week ago. During that span, I have received a dozen or so emails from pissed off authors (and rightfully so, I suppose). I'm tired of explaining myself over and over, so, in a nutshell, this is basically what's going on.
--ReignOfTerror aka Born4Glory--
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