Hey hey! My name is.. uh well i'm not telling (i'm paranoid like that) though i also do reviews under Lucyintheskywithdiamonds, just so by the way. Anyways, i probably won't be publishing any stories coz well, i'm just too lazy to write it down (though i might just publish one and see how it goes, should i ever get any reviews, however, i will update or post a new story). Well.. i just love the Maximum Ride books by James Patterson, they rock!! And i'm FAX all the way! Soo.. thats me.. feel free to PM me anytime, i just love getting messages, known person or not :).
I have an irrational fear of alpacas (damn alpacas are out to enslave everyone, i kid you not), seals with flamethrowers, undersea unicorns (otherwise known as a Narwhal) and Barney the Plush Dinosaur (see: Satan or, if results are insufficient, Paedophile). Other, more rational fears, include standing too close to the edge of the walkway on the harbour, inhaling petrol fumes (accidentally of course – I canNOT afford to lose any precious brain cells), people spying on me in my backyard (never seen them but then again, they could be ninjas. Dear God =/. *deleting scene from memory*), cockroaches adn those really huge houseflies. That list really depended on your definition of rational though. I guess im just way more paranoid than i ever realized.
Well I just love my music! My favorite bands/artists right now are Pendulum, Muse, My Chemical Romance, AC>DC, Aerosmith, Ellie Goulding, Hollywood Undead, The Naked and Famous, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Phoenix, Example, Coldplay, Jax Panik (You guys should really google this guy if you don't know him), Red Hot Chili Peppers and such. I could go on for hours about that but since i'm SUCH a nice person i won't.
PUT THIS ON YOUR PROFILE IF YOU AGREE
So here's a buch of random stuff I just picked up. It would be even more funny if someone other than me found it funny..
MY AMAZING MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
Fun things to do in an elevator:
1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
2. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
4. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
5. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
6. Meow occasionally.
7. Holler "Chutes away!"whenever the elevator descends.
8. Stare at another passenger for a while, then
9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask,
10. Say, "I wonder what all these do."
11. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
12. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce
13. Announce in a demonic voice:
14. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes then stop suddenly
15. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap
16. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
17. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches
18. Bring a chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you
19. Look at your phone, and act as if your reading a text,
20. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
21. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead
22. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper,
23. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of
24. When the doors close, announce to the others,
25. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and
From a guy’s point of view:
We don't care if you talk to other guys.
We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room
It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without
We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a
Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till the morning.
Also, when we tell you you're pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we
Don't tell us we're wrong. We’ll stop trying to convince you.
The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
Yeah, you can quote me.
Don't be mad when we hold the door open.
Take Advantage of the mood I'm in.
LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON'T 'FEEL BAD'
We enjoy doing it.
Smile and say 'thank you.'
Kiss us when no one's watching.
If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed.
You don't have to get dressed up for us.
If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
Honestly, I think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's
Don't take everything we say seriously.
Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it.
Don't get angry easily.
Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
Don't talk about how hot Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is
Whatever happened to the word 'handsome'/'beautiful'.
I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with 'Hey handsome!'
On the other hand I'm not saying I wouldn't like it either.
Girls: I cannot stress this enough: IF YOU AREN'T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A
Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest.
Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.
Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes...and
Give the nice guys a chance
Holding Hands- Girls : If you want to hold his hand, gently bump into it a
Cuddling- Girls : When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you're cold.
Movies- Girls : During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your
Loving each other- Guys: When she tells you she loves you, look deep into
Laying below the stars- Girls : When you're both laying under the stars,
guys: no grabbing!
Stop!! Stop!! Stop!! Stop!!
If you haven't stopped seriously stop!
Every Guy who isn't a jerk will agree with this, so we hope that all the
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!
I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me.
What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding.
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN.
You're awesome... but when the zombies come, I'm tripping you
Don't piss me off. I know where you live..
You know you're stressed out when you can hear mimes.
You say physco like it's a bad thing. Some people just don't understand...
If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Who doesn't love comebacks that make the other person sound stupid?
I don't take orders, and I don't deliver death wishes. If you wish to die, kill yourself.
I'm not always a dork- sometimes I'm asleep
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
I have PMS and a gun... now what were you saying?
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it!
A secret admirer is only a stalker with stationary.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
"Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that."
"1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you."
"Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls."
"Education is important; school however, is another matter."
Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."
"When life gives you lemons, chuck them at the people you hate."
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down
She's my best friend. Break her heart and I'll break your face.
Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends" is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
They say "guns don't kill people; people kill people", but I think guns help. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you would kill too many people.
I know I'm in my own little world, but its okay, they know me here
Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Don't take life too seriously, it's not like you're getting out alive
Remember there's a light at the end of every tunnel, just make sure it’s not a train.
Yeah, I’m a loser. But the coolest loser you'll ever meet
He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
"Every human knows about Utopia, where have you been?" The Master. "I'm a bit of a hermit." The Doctor. "A hermit with friends?" The Master. "Hermit's United. We meet up every ten years. Chat about top caves and such. Quite fun...For a hermit." The Doctor. The Doctor and The Master from Doctor Who.
Julian: Question: why are we laughing?
Dr. Blowhole: Question: how did the prisoner escape?!
Julian: Prisoner escaped?! Is he dangerous?
Dr. Blowhole (annoyed): No, and apparently, he isn't very bright. - The Penguins Of Madagascar (The are H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!)
Private: No, you don't understand! This orca was gigantic, and it came from the sky!
Homeschooled boy: "And on the third day, God created Remington bolt-action rifles so that man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals." - Mean Girls
Stu: "Here's something I would like to remind you of. Our best friend Doug is probably face-down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse." - The Hangover
If music be the food of love, play on – William Shakespere
''There is a great disturbance in the force'' - Emperor Palpatine
"What kinda house doesn't have salt?! Low sodium freaks!!" - Dean Winchester
"Hey, this is like the Jedi mind trick!" - The Flash
"Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?" - Bruce
"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing" - Blaise Pascal
"The best part of believe is the LIE" - Fall Out Boy
Skipper: Private, these sardine smoothies are top-notch. What's your secret?
"All right, boys. Let's leave the madman to his madness." - Skipper
"Gimme, gimme, gimme! I said gimme! What part of "gim" or "me" do you not understand?" - King Julian
"Of course. Invisible missiles. Hardy-freaking-har." - Hal Jordan (Wonder Woman - Movie)
"Sugar, Peanutbutter, Spice! Is all Growing food!" - My brother (4 years old)
“When being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries, the first thing to do is to release a tiger.” - Monty Python
"Humankind. It's amazing. Television in their stomach. That is evolution." The Master (Doctor Who), watching Teletubbies
"Look alive, men. I've got my freak on for recon." - Skipper
''Sure, most American Business men carry a cane around that says 'Bitch, where's my money'." - Todd Dempsy (Outsourced)
If you rearrange the following words, you'll find that the same letters spell the given definition. Someone out there either has too much spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.
Dormitory: Dirty room
Astronomer: Moon starrer
The eyes: They see
Slot machines: Cash lost in me
Desperation: A rope ends it
Election results: Lies! Let's recount
Snooze alarm: Alas! No more zest
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Mother in law: Woman Hitler
The Morse code: Here come dots
A decimal point: I'm a dot in place
15 things you probably never knew or thought about...
THE STORY OF JACK SCHITT
Jack: It's pronounced "shit", don't get it wrong.
Who is Jack Schitt, you ask? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation!
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schit married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherloc, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the "Schitt-Happens" wedding. The children of the Schitt-Happens are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left the home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!” you can correct them.
Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ablutophobia - The fear of taking showers
Well, it's totally long, I know, but I just love these!
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