1) I NEED TO TELL YOU A SECRET (LO0K AT #5)
2) THE ANSWER IS (L0OK AT #11)
3) D0NT GET MAD (L0OK AT #15)
4) CALM DOWN DONT BE TICKED OFF ( L0OK AT #13
5) FIRST (L0OK AT #2)
6) D0NT BE THAT MAD (L0OK AT #12)
7) I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI...LOL
8 ) WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU IS...(THE ANSWER IS ON #14)
9) BE PATIENT (L0OK AT #4)
10) THIS IS THE LAST TIME IMMA DO THIS (L0OK AT #7)
11) IM NOT MAD WHEN IM SAYIN THIS (L0OK AT#6)
12) S0RRY (L0OK AT #8 )
13) D0NT BE GETTIN ALL HYPE (L0OK AT #10)
14) I D0NT KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS (L0OK AT #3)
15) YOU MUST BE REALLY TICKED OFF (L0OK AT NUMBER #9)
(Put it on your page if you laughed and if your eyes hurt... I did!)
16 THINGS IM GOING TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"
Repost this if you laughed... Or are planning to do any of these things
I once shot a man just to watch him die...but I got distracted and missed it
Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
A friend helps you up when you fall; a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?"
A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain; a best friend takes yours and says, "RUN, -BEEP- RUN!"
A friend wipes your tears when your rejected; a best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?"
A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "THAT WAS AWESOME, LETS DO IT AGAIN!!"
One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're an idiot
There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I can't remember.
"The evening news always opens by them saying 'Good evening' and then precedes to tell you exactly why it isn't."
People are boring; they are only amusing if you push them down a flight of stairs.
Duct tape is like the force. Dark on one side, light on the other, and it holds the universe together.
Last night I was looking up at the stars, when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"
OMG! The rain is wet.
If at first you don’t succeed...Cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't!
According to a study by the institute of incomplete information 9 out of every 10.
I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait!
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, then why do they abduct the dumbest people on earth ??
If crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
"I told my psychologist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If i ask you to have sex with me would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. Not because it will choose for you but because for that brief moment when it is in the air, you suddenly know what you hope for.
Boy: I'd tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long.
Girl: I'd tell you a joke about my pussy but you'd never get it.
Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word "fuck." Out of all the English words that begin with the letter "F", fuck is the only word that is referred to as the "F" word. It's the one magical word that just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.
Fuck, as most words in the English language, is derived from German, the word 'flicken' which means "to strike." In English, fuck falls into many grammatical categories. As a transital verb for instance, "John fucked Shirley." As an intransitive verb, "Shirley fucks."
Its meaning's not always sexual, it can be used as an adjective such as "John's doing all the fucking work." As part of an adverb, "Shirley talks too fucking much." As an adverb enhancing an adjective, "Shirley is fucking beautiful." As a noun, "I don't give a fuck." As part of a word, "Abso-fucking-lutely" or "In-fucking-credible." And, as almost every word in a sentence, "Fuck the fucking fuckers."
As you must realize, there aren't too many words with the versatility of "fuck", as in these examples describing situations such as:
Fraud: "I got fucked at the used car lot."
Dismay: "Aw fuck it."
Trouble: "I guess I'm really fucked now."
Aggression: "Don't fuck with me buddy."
Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking question!"
Inquiry: "Who the fuck was that?"
Dissatisfaction: "I don't like what the fuck is going on here."
In Confidence: "He's a fuck off."
Dismissal: "Why don't you go outside and play 'hide and go fuck yourself?'"
I'm sure you can think of many more examples. With all of these multi-purpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use the word? We say, use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech. It will identify the quality of your character immediately.
Say it loudly and proudly, "Fuck you!"
Boys are like slinkeys... useless, but fun to watch fall downstairs
I don't obsess, I think intensely!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda."
I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned.
"The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf."
"Nobody move! I dropped my brain."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"He who laughs last didn't get it."
Never knock on Death's door, ring the bell, and run away. Death really hates that.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
-Education is important; school however, is another matter.
I had my soul removed to make room for sarcasm and I don't regret it.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!
-Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.
-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.
-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.
-Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?
-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.
-Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.
It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
-Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go into storage.
Love me or hate me. Personally I could care less
-Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
The road to success is always under construction.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.
Sometimes I wonder "why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Don't take life to serouly, no one gets out alive anyway
Life's tough...Get a helmet
I stopped fighting my inner demons... We're on the same side now!
Life's Greatest Pleasure Is Doing What People Tell You Not To Do
Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died
Everyone Is Entitled To Their Own Opinion, It Just That Your's Is Stupid
"Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for."
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if there is a 'wet paint' sign somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Yesterday is history...tomorrow is a mystery...but today is a gift...that is why it is called the present.
When life hands you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.
I wouldn't have OCD if everyone else would just do things the right way.
People that don't know me think I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.
Sarcasm. It's easier than actually having to deal with stupid people.
An atheist is a person who believes in not believing anything.
Your shin (n): a device used to find furniture in the dark
Two men walk into a bar, The third one ducks.
Say 'alpha kenny body' 3 times fast. Post this if you get it!
All the good ones are either straight, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back
I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard
"I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do,kill me?"
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
"I'm not afraid of death i'm afraid of something much worse... my mother"
You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips
'Never Argue With A Woman'
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could startat any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children
2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts
3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping
4. Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire
5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking
6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado
7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts
8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children
9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping
11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regualr soap
12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness
13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required
You know you live in 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on a microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace. 4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV. 6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer. 7.As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends. 8. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling. 9. You think about how stupid you are for reading this. 10. You were too busy to notice number five. 11. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five. 12. And now you're laughing at your stupidity. 13. Put this in your pro if you fell for it. You know you did. (Yup, every SINGLE time!)
Why America has some issues
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.
My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
3. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
6. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
18. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.
"You'll turn into a sausage if you eat any more.
25. My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.
"If you don't tidy your room, there'll be hell to pay."
26. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
37 Things to do in an Elevator
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?" 2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves. 4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5. Meow occasionally. 6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly. 7. Say "DING!" at each floor. 8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons. 9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on." 11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?" 12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone. 13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space." 14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you. 15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them. 16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones. 17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?" 18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!" 19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. 20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 21. Swat at flies that don't exist. 22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it. 23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off. 24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you. 25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently. 28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it. 29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..." 30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't. 31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer. 32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting. 33. Ask, "Did you feel that?" 34. Tell people that you can see their aura. 35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." 36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."
Your Girl Side
You wear lip gloss/stick.
You love to shop
You wear eyeliner.
You wear the color pink
Go to your mom for advice.
You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
You like hanging out at the mall
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
You like wearing jewelry
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars.
You were in gymnastics/dance?
It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
You smile a lot more than you should
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
You love the movies.
Used to play with dolls as little kid.
Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
Like being the star of everything
My Boy Side
You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
Dogs are better than cats.
It's hilarious when people get hurt.
You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck
You own/ed an X-Box.
Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You watch sports on TV.
Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
You like going to high school football games.
You used to/do collect football/baseball cards
Baggy pants are cool to wear.
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Sports are fun.
Talk with food in your mouth.
Sleep with your socks on at night.
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Send This In An E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile!
(\)_(/) (='.'=) This is Bunny. (")_(") Copy and paste Bunny into your profile to help him gain world domination!
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