HELLO THERE PEOPLE OF THE INTERNETS
Oh hello there, I have returned momentarily! Maybe I'll start writing a new fanfiction... I have no idea. If you have any requests PM me and I'll try and do it (the idea) justice. _
Random stuff is Random:
Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
27 of the human population has homicidal tendencies. The rest are just victims.
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
You're not getting out of this world alive, so you might as well.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
I’m not afraid of Death, what’s it gonna do, kill me?
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
One day, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Education is important; school however, is another matter.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
HELP! I've fallen- Hey, nice carpet!
I hear voices, and they don't like you.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Fake is the new trend. I guess everyone’s in style
Yes I may be smiling, but I’m secretly laughing at your face.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Sometimes I wonder "Why is the frisbee getting bigger?" then I get hit in the face.
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
She's my best friend. Break her heart I'll BREAK YOUR FACE
My best friend is better than yours so stick that in your juice box & suck it!
He broke my heart. I broke his jaw.
Do you think I'm weird? Don't answer that...
Save the Earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.
One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you.
To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!
Being weird is like being normal, only better.
I've been to the dark side, man. They lied about the cookies...
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall downstairs.
Make a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for life.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
Growing old is mandatory... Growing up is optional...
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?
Be insane... Because well behaved girls never made history.
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.
When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is full.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out
Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine till I ran out of stars.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If two wrongs don't make a right, make a left.
Tell me what you think you thought I think I said!
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
You call me a Bitch, well a Bitch is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how in the hell you did it.
It amazes me that we thought of putting a man on the moon before we thought of putting wheels on luggage.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
You know it's a bad day when you roll off the bed... And miss the floor.
The worst way to keep a boyfriend is to tell him I love you. But its a great way to lose one.
Never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyway.
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with Twilight and Maximum Ride, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone: Iheartjake, TeamJacob101, Boysareadrag, The Dawn Is Breaking, twilite addict, The Lonely Teenager, AliceDaSpaz, Skittle.Rocke, Silent_Broken_Heart, St. Fang of Boredom, Wisegrl13, MizLizzi, DeathByMarshmallow, TheAmazingBlueFoxGirl
ONLY IN AMERICA:
1. Only in America... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America... Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces."The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "5,000 for a male brain, and 200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I'm a PERSON so I MUST be Labeled
Mental Hospital Phone Menu (THIS IS FOR YOU MY FRIENDS!!:)
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital!
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever .
If you are blond, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Just to tell you, if you have read every word so far it means that you definitely ARE crazy or weird, and you should DEFINITELY put at least those ones on your profile.