Author has written 3 stories for Into the West, Harry Potter, and How to Train Your Dragon.
This is a sad day. I actually have one of these accounts. Not that I think less of anybody who has one but I didn't want to get one. I knew if I had one I would be just that more tempted to write a story and then leave you hanging but I need to be able to review and favorite my stories! Before I know I'll be writing fics with the best of them... This is a sad day indeed.
THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO IN FANFICTION (feel free to copy/paste this list...more people should read it)
Edited by Neomistress to suit my needs*
1. Accidentally write a Mary Sue. Go now, and Google Mary Sue. Write one if you must. But please, realize that you're doing it; and give us a warning in the fic summary.
2. Infantilize a teenager or adult character. Dear Hurt/Comfort author, if your sixteen-year-old protagonist is constantly whimpering, clutching a plush toy, looking at people with "vulnerable liquid eyes," sucking his thumb, or otherwise acting like a small child, you are probably tap dancing on your reader's gag reflex. This syndrome plagues Harry Potter fan fic, especially Severitus/Sevitus. It is not cute. It is supremely creepy.
3. Have an explicit sex scene in every chapter. I know. It's a shocker, right? But a lot of us actually read fan fiction for the plot. I will wade through a whole lot of explicit scenes to get to the nuggets of plot (and almost every fic worth its salt has some plot even if the author didn't realize it), but I don't enjoy it. Please at least let me know in the summary if I'm going to have to skim massively to find the story amidst all of the insert Tab A into Slot B.
4. Write without a Beta if you suck at English grammar. Don't feel embarassed. A whole lot of people fail at grammar. Betas are cute and plentiful and so gosh darn helpful that it will make you feel all tingly inside when you get one. If you are really bad, get two Betas. It's good for you. It's good for your story. It's good for your readers. And I can promise that you'll get more reviews if your grammar and spelling are up to snuff.
5. Use your story as a political or religious platform. Put it on your profile page, not in your character's mouth. Harry Potter really doesn't care if you like Sarah Palin or not. (Quite frankly, none of the rest of us do either.)
6. Write abuse scenes solely to garner sympathy for a lame character. Abuse is a serious issue. Don't make a mockery of it. If you're going to deal with it, don't just insert it into your story to "juice things up" or to make everyone feel super sorry for your protagonist so that they will understand when he/she starts carrying around a teddy bear at age sixteen and sucking his/her thumb. (See number 2.)
7. Summarize canon. Seriously? It's fan fiction. We're fans. We don't need you to give us every detail about how Harry Potter grew up with the Dursleys or how Percy Jackson is really a demigod. We got that memo. Write something new.
8 Write an AU in which nothing new happens. Summary says: Harry is really the reincarnation of Merlin, sent to Earth to save it from alien invasion, and Voldemort is really the female leader of the invading force. Rock on. And then, for 100,000 plus words, the characters do the exact same things they did in canon. Voldemort may be pink tentacle monster, but it hasn't changed anything. Not even the dialogue. This baffles me.
9. Write entirely in dialogue. I'm seeing more and more of this. I know it's easier, and it makes your chapters look longer on paper, but really? Dialogue is great when it's resting on top of good exposition. Otherwise you're trying to build a pyramid from the top down.
10. Be Evil. This is for everyone and anyone out there who reads or writes fan fic. It's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be friendly. If you're one of those withered souls who looks for opportunities to rain on everyone else's parade, get lost. We don't need you. Criticism should be constructive, plagiarism should be utterly foreign, and you should never poke someone just to see if they bleed.
My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me RELIGION.
2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
3. My mother taught me LOGIC.
4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
6. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.
25. My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.
26. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
You're a 90's kid if:
You can finish this 'ice ice _"
(I'm not even a 90's kid, but my brothers are so, this made me smil
The Stupidest Things On Products
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I got to admit, I'm curious
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon
On a Myer hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping."(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Wow. That's really helpful
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".(Awh, that's the whole purpose of buying the costume!)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?
On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions:” Put on fork and eat."(No! Really? We're supposed to eat food?!
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."(And that would be how??)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(But, it's just a suggestion).
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