Author has written 2 stories for Naruto, and Halo.
Name- Draconias (As far as you're concerned)
Age- Between the time I was born and until the day I die.
Likes- Reading, Writing, Playing Video Games, Watching TV & Movies, Fresh Air, Nature's Wilderness, Dragons, Eagles, Cats, Swords, Legends, and Ancient History
Dislikes- Sexists, Racists, Rapists, Overly religious people who try to "Save" everyone, People who try to shove their religions down my throat (Just because I'm not one of you doesn't mean I need nor want to be "Saved". Honestly the world needs more religious people like Reign A.G.E.), People who don't have an open mind, and people who have a lot of money and hoard it selfishly.
Neutral (As in things that, as long as it doesn't have anything to do with me, I don't really care what happens.)- Gay people (Just don't hit on me and I couldn't care less about what gender you like. I am very straight and that would just make everyone involved very uncomfortable.). Religious people (I am a semi-Agnostic when it comes to religion. As far as I'm concerned all God(s) that are spoken about throughout history, the ones spoken about in the present, and those that will be spoken about in the future, already exist, and the God(s) you worship as well as any God(s) whose followers you have grievously harmed or killed, for reasons other than protecting those you love or innocents from immediate danger and self-defense, are the ones who judge you after your death. Atheists are automatically reincarnated into what they deserve based on what they did with their life. As long as you don't try to force your religion down my throat or try to "Save" me I honestly don't care what religious beliefs you have.). My motto for both of these things is basically "To each their own.". As long as it doesn't harm me or those close to me I really don't care all that much about other people's lives.
List of Video Games I Like
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Devil May Cry
Devil May Cry 4
Devil May Cry 2
Halo: Combat Evolved
Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary
Halo 3: ODST
Halo: Spartan Assault
Assassins Creed: Altair's Chronicles
Assassins Creed: Bloodlines
Assassins Creed II
Assassins Creed II: Discovery
Assassins Creed: Brotherhood
Assassins Creed: Revelations
Assassins Creed IV: The Black Flag
Assassins Creed III
Assassins Creed III: Liberation
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops
Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake
Metal Gear Solid
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
List of Book/Series I Like
Boxcar Children (when I was younger)
Magic Tree House (when I was younger)
Tales of the Odyssey (when I was younger)
Last Dragon Chronicles
Percy Jackson and The Olympians
Heroes of Olympus
List of Anime/Manga I Like
Fullmetal Alchemist (2003 Anime)
Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood
Digimon (Tamers is my favorite)
Fate/Zero (Which in my opinion was much better than Fate/Stay Night. Kiritsugu is the epitome of badass.)
Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion
Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion R2
Pairings I Like/Dislike
NarutoxFemKyuubi (She's been with him since the day of his birth and has seen his life firsthand. Thus she is one the only beings able to fully understand Naruto's life.)
NarutoxFemNibi (As a Bijuu, she would be able to understand his life, because of how the Bijuu are misunderstood similar to the Jinchuriki.)
NarutoxFemNanabi (Same as Nibi.)
NarutoxFu (She's a Jinchuriki, so she is one of the only humans to be able to truly understand his life.)
NarutoxYugito (Same as Fu.)
GaaraxFemShukaku (Same as Kyuubi and Naruto.)
YaguraxFemSanbi (Bijuu are some of the only beings capable of truly understanding Jinchuriki.)
RoshixFemYonbi (Same as Yagura and Sanbi.)
HanxFemGobi (Same as above.)
UtakataxFemRokubi (Same as above.)
KirabixFemHachibi (Same as above.)
NaruHina (Now before anybody goes on a rant about how "their meant to be" or some such bullshit, let me just say a few words to state my point. Stalker. With. Byakugan. You know, that eye that has x-ray vision. Does anybody get my thoughts on how fucking creepy that is? Not to mention the fact that she saw how he was treated and didn't even make an effort to become his friend. Silent support is all well and good, but without them knowing about it, its basically the same thing as being ignored. Now, if someone used the pairing in a similar way to DevilKeys I might read it. At least they had some prior interaction in his story instead of her admiring Naruto's determination from afar. The fact that she had the nerve to say that she understood what Naruto went through really pissed me off because she still had a family and she wasn't ignored by the entire village save, like three or four people. I'm going to quote Aizen Sosuke with "Admiration is the emotion farthest from understanding.". Say what you will about that bastard, but he would have been a hell of a psychologist with his knowledge on human emotions. Of course it doesn't change the fact that the jackass had a silver tongue fit for Apophis and an ego the size of the Universe, but he sure knew his stuff when it came to human emotions, specifically how to manipulate them.)
NaruSaku (Now I'm just going to say, with how many times that pink haired bitch hit him, I'm not surprised that Naruto turned into an idiot who instantly forgives his worst enemies. Abusive relationships like this would never work. The worst thing is that she uses Naruto as her personal punching bag for no reason other than to make herself feel better. I've actually tried to keep count of how many times she hit him, and I lost count (not really surprising to be honest) and the number was pretty damn high.)
Yaoi in any form.
Bleach - Like
IchiRuki (Now before anyone says that this relationship is the same as NaruSaku, stop and think about the interactions between the different pairings. Ichigo and Rukia's relationship began as a business partnership because of Ichigo becoming a Subsitute Shinigami. It later evolved, after the Grand Fisher incident, with them becoming somewhat friends. Throughout the time before Rukia's forced return to Soul Society, the two of them grew closer, enough for Ichigo to be willing to risk his life to go and save her from the execution block. Literally. Throughout the entire time that Ichigo was trying to save her, Rukia was more worried about his well-being than her own life. Ichigo, throughout his invasion of Seireitei, was only thinking about how he was going to protect the person who gave him the strength to protect his family as well as gave up her freedom to save his life from her brother. Afterward, when Ichigo was feeling scared and nervous about his Inner Hollow, Rukia kicked his ass back into shape with an example of how weak he had become because of letting his fear rule him and helped him overcome that fear with a heartwarming speech. The only times they ever really "fought" each other was when Ichigo made a crack about her lack of drawing skills and even then it was basically a "love tap". Sakura sent Naruto into full body trenches, craters, and walls for less then that. Not to mention that Ichigo, quite literally went to Hell and back to save her as well as basically stormed the gates of heaven for her as well. That kind of reminds me of a saying I once read. It went something like this, "For a good General, his troops will storm the Gates of Hell, but for a General that fights with his troops they would storm the Gates of Heaven.". It basically means, in the context I used it for this argument, is that for someone you care about anyone would storm the gates of hell, but for someone truly precious they would storm the gates of heaven. Attacking any kind of heaven is a bigger deal than attacking hell because heaven is supposed to be a paradise and attacking that would get you a horrible punishment and nobody really cares about what goes into hell as long as whatever it is doesn't come back out.)
IchiSenn (In Memories of Nobody, I really enjoyed watching the interactions between Ichigo and Senna. She was like a more playful Rukia. The way that she and Ichigo interacted were very similar to the way Ichigo and Rukia interact making this an interesting secondary pairing.)
ChadxTatsuki (The two of them have both known Ichigo for a pretty long time and they are both relatively normal, and I use the term normal loosely, humans that can see and fight Hollows. The fact that they are both fighters as well makes this a really interesting pairing.)
IshiHime (If Orihime could get over Ichigo I think that the two of them would be an interesting pairing.)
GinxRangiku (Say what you will about Gin, but you have to admit that he was a truly unique person. Possibly one of the only snake-like characters that was actually a good person at heart. He also was one hell of a mastermind. To plan out Aizen's death and wait for over one hundred years shows that he has an incredible will to not forget his goal for the power that he could have had with Aizen. Also, the fact that he did it to get revenge from something stolen from Rangiku shows that he truly cared about her. Even as he's dying he wondered if he still had the right to love her. I say he does in my opinion at least. Gin is one of my favorite characters because of his sacrifice. To go against his home and the woman he loved to stop a madman bent on becoming a God and get revenge for the woman that he loved, that shows incredible commitment to his goals as well as his willpower to resist the temptation of power. He kind of reminds me of Itachi because of his sacrifice for the ones he loved.)
HitsuHina (Hitsugaya and Hinamori have been shown to care deeply for each other and they are also childhood friends. Its an interesting pairing because of how Toshiro comforts Momo after Aizen's betrayal. Its a really sweet pairing in my opinion.)
IsshinxMasaki (Especially after the recent reveal about how they met and got together and what he gave up for her. The love Isshin feels for Masaki is something that should be emulated by every man in a relationship, albeit less extreme and exspressive.)
IchiHime (In a similar vein to Hinata stalking Naruto, Orihime, before she had gone to Las Noches, snuck into Ichigo's bedroom and nearly kissed his wounded and unconcious body. That isn't as creepy, but it's still up there on the creepy scale. Adding in to the fact that she has delusions of seeing Ichigo as a prince with always noble intentions just highlights how blind she is. If it meant Ichigo could keep his Nakama safe he would butcher anyone in his way with extreme prejudice and she doesn't see that. If she wanted somebody noble she should think more of Uryuu because of his Quincy pride and chivalry... stuff. Not to mention that she is the weakest one in their group and yet she says she wants to fight. She has the weakest resolve I have ever seen as well as probably the most disgusting lack of faith she has in her comrades ever. She was easily played by Ulquiorra when he showed the images of her comrades fighting the second Espada assault and she didn't even consider that the images might have been faked or that they deliberately left out specific scenes in order to gain her as a hostage. That is just pathetic. Ichigo, Uryuu, and Chad are her age and they have the will to fight and possibly die for their comrades, but she doesn't even have a single shred of that devotion to her comrades. If she wanted to be helpful she should have listened to Urahara when he told her to stay off the front lines. Healers like her should get out of the way of the real fighters so they don't become a casualty. The worst things about her character (I mean her personality and the other kind of character.) is her complete dependence on Ichigo (i.e. On the roof if Las Noches she begged Ichigo's body that had fucking see through hole through the torso to save her. The result, a completely hollowfied Ichigo running on his two base instincts; Fight and Protect. Sad thing is they both ended up conflicting with each other so Ichigo fought for, and only protected himself.). Her final worst character flaw is that, as long as Ichigo is alive for her, her other friends can rot in hell. Literally. When Ichigo was getting ready for his second assault on Hell, she told him, "You must come back.". Ichigo nodded thinking that she meant with his friends, but she only meant him. What she feels for Ichigo is not love, but a deep admiration for his good qualities and a rejection of his negative ones. Which in my opinion is why her powers are perfect for her. Her rejection of reality stems from her personality which basically rejects anything she doesn't want to see or admit is real and rejects in favor of a better false reality for her own mind, which to her is real. Its mostly subconcious as she barely even realizes this piece of her personality. I think it stems from when she lost her brother when she was younger. PTSD and all that psychological crap.)
Yaoi in any form.
Inuyasha - Like
InuyashaxKagome (In the beginning their relationship is very rocky, but as the series progresses it eventually turns into something very sweet.)
InuyashaxKikyo (Only in their past before they get screwed over by Naraku.)
MirokuxSango (Pretty much the same as Inuyasha and Kagome only Miroku is a terrible womanizer because of who raised him. Later on, similar Kagome and Inuyasha, they turn into an amazing couple. With their devotion to each other, its actually kind of surprising to see how they end up because, as far as I could tell, Miroku actually stopped womanizing. That actually made me think the end of the world was close to happening.)
SesshoumaruxAdultRin (Because Rin is one of the first humans that Sesshoumaru didn't kill upon their first meeting I think that he would eventually go on to fall in love with her when she matured.)
SesshoumaruxKagura (Kagura and Sesshoumaru had an interesting dynamic in the show and when Kagura died, I think that he felt somewhat sad. He had thought about actually using the Tenseiga to save her before he realized that she was too far gone to save.)
KohakuxRin (Having both traveled with Sesshoumaru I think that they got to know each other fairly well. It would be an interesting pairing to see.)
KohakuxKanna (Similar to above, but instead both being forced to serve Naraku. Considering Kanna showed Kagome the key to defeating Naraku I think that she was forced to obey him. It would be an interesting pairing to see in my opinion.)
Inu no TaishoxIzayoi (Inuyasha's Mother) (In the third movie it revealed a lot of information about the two of them and it also revealed how deeply they cared for each other.)
Inu no TaishoxInuKimi (Sesshoumaru's Mother) (Considering the fact that Yokai have different values than humans I'm not all that surprised that Sesshoumaru's mother didn't really care about her mate's "fascination with humans" and the fact that she still loved him years after his death makes this pairing really interesting.)
Surprisingly the only pairing I actually dislike about Inuyasha is InuyashaxKikyo and that's only when she's brought back from the dead. In their past its actually really sweet, before Naraku screws them over at least. As well as any kind of Yaoi.
One Piece Like/Dislike
One Piece - Like
ZoroxKuina (I felt pretty bad for Zoro when I saw that Kuina had died. The two of them would have become amazing swordsmen together and had she lived I'm positive the two of them would have fallen for each other.)
Any kinda Yaoi.
Fairy Tail Like/Dislike
Fairy Tail - Like
NatsuxErza (Mostly because of the Tower of Heaven Arc.)
GrayxJuvia (Water and Ice. Plus the fact that Gray shows that he cares for Juvia pretty deeply. Considering the fact that the two of them could perform Unison Raid I think that the two of then are pretty close.)
NatsuxLisanna (When they were kids their dynamic was really funny and I'm almost positive that the two of them would have gotten together eventually had she not been sent to Edolas.)
There aren't really any pairings that I actively dislike in Fairy Tail aside from Yaoi in any form.
Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Like/Dislike
Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood - Like
EdxWinry (The two of them always seemed to just click. Edward, when he is in trouble or has something that has upset him, can always turn to Winry. And Winry is always there for him. That makes this pairing a really sweet one in my opinion.)
AlxMei Ling (I find Mei's reaction to seeing Edward for the first time incredibly hilarious and then, when she and Alphonse get to know each other, I think that the two of them would be an interesting pairing.)
LingxLan Fan (She's incredibly loyal to Ling and the fact that the two of them always seemed very close to me.)
MustangxRiza (The two of them are a hell of a tag team when they are in a battle and they have a pretty interesting dynamic in the show. It makes an interesting pairing in my opinion.)
Any kinda Yaoi.
Digimon 01 - Like
TaixSora (With the two of them being childhood friends, the two of them know a lot about each other and I think that they could grow a whole lot closer.)
Any kinda Yaoi.
Digimon 02 - Like
T.K.xKari (The two of them have been friends for years and the fact that T.K. could find Kari even when she was trapped in the Dark Ocean makes me think that the two of them are very close to each other.)
DavisxKari (Davis is far too arrogant and immature to be in a relationship. Unless he mellows out with age this pairing wouldn't really work. Adding on to that is the fact that he is generally overbearing when it comes to Kari and tends to not listen to good advice from the two who had been to the Digital World before, unless it's from Kari.)
Any kinda Yaoi.
Digimon Tamers - Like
TakatoxRika (The two of them make a really interesting pairing in my opinion. Over time their relationship has evolved from being enemies to being close friends.)
HenryxJeri (Henry can be a very sympathetic person, and with all the trauma that Jeri has gone through, I think that they could really grow to care for each other.)
RyoxRika (Ryo is a flaky person at best. Him and Rika wouldn't really get along much and the fact that he's very self entered makes me doubt that the two of them would ever get along.)
Any kinda Yaoi.
Digimon Frontier - Like
TakuyaxZoe (The two of them have a very interesting relationship and the fact that Wind can either increase Fire's strength or calm it down, makes this a very interesting pairing.)
Any kinda Yaoi.
Digimon Data Squad - Like
Any kinda Yaoi.
Digimon Xros Wars - Like
Any kinda Yaoi.
Inheritance Cycle - Like
EragonxArya (After Eragon becomes the Leader of the Riders, he will end up maturing fast due to the necessity. After a century or two a one hundred year age gap doesn't really mean all that much.)
MurtaghxNasuada (Nasuada ended up helping Murtagh change his True Name and free him from his forced servitude of Galbatorix. Changing someone's True Name is a big deal because that means, aside from Selena, Murtagh and Eragon's mother, Nasuada was the first woman that Murtagh actually loved and the first woman he loved romantically.)
MurtaghxElva (The two of them never had the greatest life, but they both learned to deal with it. I think that the two of them could really grow to love each other.)
Any kinda Slash.
Percy Jackson Series - Like
PercyxAnnabeth (How much they care about each other is highlighted in the Mark of Athena and that makes it an incredibly interesting pairing.)
LukexThalia (Before Luke turned evil, the two of them really cared about each other.)
Any kind of Slash
Characters I Like/Dislike
-Assassins Creed Games
Ezio Auditore da Firenze
Claudia Auditore da Firenze
Ratonhnhaké:ton later known as Conner
The Templar Order (specifically Daniel Cross, Warren Vidic, Haytham Kenway, & the Borgia)
-Metal Gear Games
The Boss also known as The Joy
The Patriots (Aside from Big Boss & Eva)
Revolver Ocelot later known as Liquid Ocelot
Liquid Snake's FOXHOUND (aside from Sniper Wolf & Vulcan Raven)
Noble Team (All of them)
This is the basic Timeline that I will use for my first story Naruto: The Twilight's Dawn.
Pictures for the cover of my first story Naruto: The Twilight's Dawn
Picture of the Supreme Dragon King in my first story Naruto: The Twilight's Dawn
Mental Hospital Phone Menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital! Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you.
I'm sorry that I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk.
I'm sorry that my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants.
I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised.
I'm sorry that I'm not cute enough to be "your guy".
I'm sorry that I am actually nice; not a jerk.
I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things.
I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club.
I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy.
I'm sorry that I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date.
I'm sorry that I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy.
I'm sorry that I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend.
I'm sorry if I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around.
I'm sorry if I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work.
I'm sorry that you can't realize I've been the one all along.
I'm sorry if you read this and know somebody like this but don't care, but most of all I'm sorry for not being sorry anymore.
I'm sorry that you can't accept me for who I am.
I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.
I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for.
I'm sorry that I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
I'm sorry that I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.
I'm sorry that I cared, I'm sorry that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.
Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there are never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?" Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you. If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry' If you're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'
25 reasons I owe my Mom
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught t me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of DIFFUSION. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
The Situation in Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."
Obituary of Mr. Common Sense
We mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he opened his laptop and sent his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her email address and sent the e-mail to the wrong address, without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.
Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. Hearing the crash, the widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother, and read the e-mail still on the screen.
To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It sure is hot down here!
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away.
I couldn't stop laughing after I read this and just had to share this hilarious story with every one on this site. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard. Take a good look at this story of this poor woman's date and copy and paste it on your profile.
The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.
He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?
That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized ...
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.
“Seriously, you need to hurry - I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.
“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”
“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you ...” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.
“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.
He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”
“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.
“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
“I’m fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”
“Okay, are you sure you’re ...”
“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this ... “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.
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