The male equivalent of the 10 Commandments
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks write, "for smuggling diamonds."
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuations.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is, "To go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme?
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream, "I won!, I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... copy and paste this into your profile!
99% of teens would cry if Justin Bieber was standing on the roof of a twenty story building ready to jump. 0.5% of teens would bring a good chair and some popcorn. And the other 0.5% would be helping to push him off.
CANCER - The Smart One.
"In this world, whenever there is light, there are also shadows. As long as the concept of 'winners' exist, there must also be 'losers'. The selfish desire of wanting to maintain peace causes wars and HATRED is born to protect LOVE."
The bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.
Takashi Komuro: On that day the world came to an end, I killed my best friend, and held the girl I loved in my arms for the first time. (HOTD)
"We are humans... . We don't know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths. As death comes to embrace you, you will realise what you are. That's what death is, don't you think?"-Itachi Uchiha
Alphonse Elric-"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."
Edward Elric: [to Magwar, in response to imposter Elric brothers] "I told ya before, let's take care of those kids first. It's been a while since I've killed anyone. I kinda miss it." [his eye turns to Magwar with a sick, scary grin] Edward Elric: "You wanna watch?"
Hughes: "Hey, I've got a message from Roy." Ed: "You mean the Colonel?" Hughes: "He said, "Don't die under my command, you're enough of a pain without the paperwork." That was it." Ed: "Tell him fine, there's no way I'm dying before you do, you morally bankrupt Colonel with a God complex.
"I'm bringing sexy back..." Copy and paste this into your profile if you never even knew sexy was gone
If you get a kick out of explosions, copy and paste this to your profile
98 percent of teenagers drink or have been around alcohol, put this in your profile if you like MUFFINS!! (Or COOKIES!!)
...S... Put this
...H... On your
...D... If you're
...O... A fan of
...W... Shadow the Hedgehog!
...!!... It shows you care! :)
Dragon Ball pact.
"This pact is meant to hold together the remaining fans of Dragon Ball/Z/GT. Whether you like the FUNimation dub or the Ocean dub, whether you like the manga or the anime, whether you say 'Saiyan' or 'Saiyajin', we must stand strong and united, for we are the last of our dying race. And all those who are true fans, post this up on your page, forever proclaiming your Dragon Ball heritage. Be proud, for you are a true Saiyan!
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt...THEN ITS HILARIOUS!
If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile
"Is it finally dead?" "That depends on what you mean by dead. Dead as in you killed it or dead as in its gonna to actually stay dead
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this into your profile...
VAMPIRES: Are not emotional sissy boys Do not attend High School AND DO NOT SPARKLE (if I want mansparkles, I'll turn to Armstrong for 'em)
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy and paste this into your profile!
"It takes an idiot to do cool things...that's why they're cool. - FLCL
Here's a Valentine day message for you:
"If the opposite of Pro is Con then the opposite of Progress is Congress" - random thought.
"Yes!" "No!" "What was the question?" - me
You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, its the honest ones you have to watch out for. Because you never can predict when their about to do something incredibly stupid" - Jack Sparrow
"There is a fine line between sanity and insanity, and I have white out" - me
"In War - Victory, In Peace - Vigilance, In Death - Sacrifice" - The Grey Wardens (Dragon Age Origins)
B.O.H.I.C.A.: Bend Over Here It Comes Again
F.U.B.A.R. : F#cked up beyond all recognition
H.U.M.A.S.: Head Up My @ss Syndrom
S.N.A.F.U. : Situation Normal All F*cked Up
A.D.O.S.D : Attention Deficit Oh Shiny Disorder (Friend says I have this)
F.O.C.U.S. : F*ck Off Cuz Ur Stupid - T-shirt
D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. : Do I Look Like I Give A F*ck! - Necros Chris
Its's a Stupid idea, I'll go first - Girlfriend to Me
What color is the Sky in your world - Me to friends daughter
The Angel on my shoulder was gang raped by the devil from the other shoulder and the voices in my head - Me to friend about decisions made.
"Madness & Sanity are labels given by society...and I am Anti-Social" - Me
"I am fluent in three languages. English, Sarcasm and Profanity." Girlfriend to me
"I am right 97 percent of the time, who cares about the other 4 percent." - my t-shirt.
Diamonds are a Girls Best friend, Boobs are everybody's friend - Girlfriend to me at the bar.
"It doesn't Matter whose on First, I'm holding a F'n steel bat" - me at bar league baseball game.
"There is no such thing as overkill, there is only open fire and reload" - shirt
Golf is the only game I can legally play and drive drunk - Uncle to Me
NASCAR fans are as violent as any Hockey Game in Canada - Uncle watching ESPN
When did chess become a sport? did I miss it becoming full contact? do the pieces explode - Cousin upon hearing chess declared an "olympic sport"
Follow up statement "What's next Pokemon at the Olymics? Bey Blade?" cousin again
I am the bone of my sword.
FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr./Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.
FAKE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Will sit next to you saying "Dang … we really messed up … but that sure was fun!"
FAKE FRIENDS: Never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it’s yours.
FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Can write a book about you, with direct quotes from you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I’M HOME!"
FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.
FAKE FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
REAL FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to what’s wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better!
FAKE FRIENDS: Make you say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
REAL FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
REAL FRIENDS: Will repost it
Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask
Johnny then asks his mother how much she
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you
92 percent of the teen population would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch said it wasn't cool to breathe. Repost this if you are one of the 8 percent who would be laughing your ass off.
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile. (hand is raised)
If you get a kick out of explosions, copy and paste this to your profile. :-)
If you think you should be able to watch what you want on TV without being called immature, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you have ever watched a really stupid show 'cause nothing was on, and you got into it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think digimon is, was, and always will be the coolest, copy and paste this into your profile. :-)
If you absolutely LOVE anime, copy and paste this onto your profile. :-D
If you are over the age of 12 and still watch cartoons, and are proud of it, copy this into your profile
If you hate school, but don't want to miss a day of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile. :-D
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, Phantom-Figure, Karimlan di Sindihan, zara2148,Danni Lea, SadieYuki, DigiDestined of Balance, Digidestined of Nobility, zandermon, Zyber Elethone, njhnaruto
If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile
If your one of those weird people who hate war but love violence, copy and paste this into your profile.
It's so simple, isn't it? Put this on your page if you love NarutoXTenten!
Takato from Digimon Tamers belongs with Rika! He's too good for Jeri! And if he didn't go with Rika, he'd probably be dead. If you love Rukato (or at least hate Jurato, we can accept that) then copy and paste this into your profile. And, if you write a Digimon Tamers story, do Takato and the world a favor and make it Rukato! Do it! Do it now! _'
15 percent of every high school population is considered "Popular". 20 percent is desperate to become a part of the popular 15 percent. 20 percent couldn't care less. 15 percent realize that popularity doesn't matter. 10 are too busy worrying about their grades to care. 5 percent are goths, 5 percent can speak another language fluently, and 5 percent are too stupid to realize that no one likes them. If you are a part of the 5 percent who think the 'unpopular' 85 percent should rebel against the popular 15 percent, copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., DigiDestined of Balance, Digidestined of Nobility, zandermon, Zyber Elethone, njhnaruto
If you see all those long poems/lists all over and agree with the message( stop child abuse, stop stereotyping, ect) but don't want to put something That long on you profile, copy THIS to your profile instead.
If you love silly/stupid/funny/inspirational or meaningful Quotes, copy this to your profile.
If people have given up looking at you funny because there is no longer any point, copy this to your profile.
If you want to copy this to your profile, you know what to do.
If you hear voices of characters in your head...copy and paste this on you're profile.
If your plot bunnies give you the perfect idea- in the middle of a huge math test/ PSAT/shower or other bad time, copy this to your profile.
If you ever threatened a computer, copy and paste this in your profile.
If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your profile.
If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever wondered what the afterlife is like, copy this into your profile.
If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you love random copy and paste quotes, copy and paste this on your profile!
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
IF you think that the first sign of madness in NOT! talking to yourself but instead receiving an answer copy this into your profile. President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
President Clinton: "No
Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to
President Clinton: "Why's that? It's not that
Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin
President Clinton: "Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late." A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"
this is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia.
15 Things to do when you're in Walmart!
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15.Grap a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go!"
Please help spread the randomness by copying and pasting this onto your profile!