Profile pic - Glory window, Thanksgiving square, Dallas, Texas.
I am born, raised and live in the United Kingdom.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?).
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)
On Bolthouse Farms Baby-Cut carrots: Ingredients-Carrots (No duh!).
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Just say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many.
Join the army, travel the world, meet interesting people, kill them.
Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them
Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!
That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."
When in doubt, push random buttons!
You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.
Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"
There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.
I'm not as dumb as you look
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to
Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.
Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
No one ever says "it's only a game" if their team is winning.
Slow and steady gets you trampled by the other guys.
When opportunity knocks, shoot first and ask questions later.
When all else fails, use duct tape.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."
I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter.
I'm not good at empathy, will you settle for sarcasm?
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
"I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth! "
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"Never memorize something that you can look up."
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