Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
4. My mother taught me LOGIC
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
7. My mother taught me IRONY
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
11. My mother taught me WEATHER
12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
15. My mother taught me: ENVY
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
19. My mother taught me: ESP
20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
25. My mother taught me about Justice
Girls Don't realize these things;
But most of all
Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with buttholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'
If You're one of the FEW girls with enough guts to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'
On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how?)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought?...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because?)
On Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children".
(I think something got lost in the translation.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
(You just killed that kids dream)
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand this little boy some money back.
The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.
The cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''
The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''
Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly.
The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her afterall, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."
His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me. I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''
"OK," he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"
Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so thatmommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!''
"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''
"My mommy loves white roses."
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Now you have 2 choices:
1) Repost this message.
2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. (Cheers to my uncle)
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I guess that just shows how much we think...
A good or best friend! (the bolded are my favorites...)
A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"
A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.
A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.
A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain.A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day
dream like you will live forever, live as if you will die tomorrow
life is like a rainbow you need both sun and rain to make the colors appear (or you just need Iris)
Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now but it cant rain forever (LOVE IT)
life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain
loved you once, love you still. always have, always will
Put this on your site
You know you live in 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face
relax. nothing is ok.
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed."
I love deadlines. I like to wave at them as they pass by
Always forgive your enemies... nothing annoys them more.
never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics
there are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch them. Do it... DO IT!
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliffs
Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional...
The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas...
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
Smile. It confuses people.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. There's normally more to this quote, but in my case...
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Help, I've fallen and I can't...hey, nice carpet! It's soo pretty!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
The cops never find it as funny as you do.
What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding.
I'm an optimistic pessimist.
I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.
I'm going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me my friends, wish me luck, for I may not return alive
Don't try to out-weird me-- I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast ceral.
You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
You're a special kind of stupid aren't you?
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Bold the ones that have happened to you:
1. Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
3. Broken a chair by leaning back in it
5. Choked on your own spit while you were talking
8. Have looked for something for at least 10 min then realized it was in your hand
27. Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer
28. Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan
29. Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk
Sun or Moon: Moon
Night or Day: Night
Spotlight or Shadows: Shadow
Cold or Hot: Cold
Loud or Quiet: Loud
Black or White (color not race): Black
Your a book-aholic if...
You can randomly open to a page and know exactly what's going on. Check
Read the book until 4 A.M., then get back up at 7 to continue reading. Check
You write fanfictions about the book. Check
You try to get all of your friends (and everyone else in the entire world) to read it. Check
Everything reminds you of the book. Check
You quote random lines all the time. Check
You've gotten incredibly bored in class, and debated on doing something your favorite character can do to escape the class Check
You've read a book more than five times. Check
You've read a book with 400 pages in less than two days. Check
You've found yourself trying to impersonate a character. Check
Yes, we've got a unanimous, 100% diagnosis. You-dramaticpause- are a bookaholic.
"With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later." Nico di Angelo
Percy: "What now?" Nico: "We ring the doorbell." Percy Jackson and Nico di Angelo
"I am here because when all else fails, when all the other mighty gods have gone off to war, I am all that's left. Home. Hearth. I am the last Olympian." Hestia
Paul: "Like Theseus. He was supposed to raise white sails when he came home to Athens." Nico: "Except he forgot. And his father jumped off the palace roof in despair. But other than that, it was a great idea." Paul Blofis and Nico di Angelo
"As I recall, in the old times we almost died a lot." Grover Underwood
"You could have married the god of doctors or the god of lawyers, but no. You had to eat the pomegranate." Demeter
"Excuse me, but if you're going to kill me, could you just get on with it?" Percy Jackson
Persephone: "Husband, we talked about this. You can't go around incinerating every hero. Besides, he's brave. I like that." Hades: "You liked that Orpheus fellow too. Look how well that turned out. Let me kill him, just a little bit." Persephone and Hades
"You could have married the god of doctors, or the god of lawyers, but no. You had to eat the pomegranate!" Demeter
"Do me a favor. Lock this in the hotel vault, will you? I think I'm allergic to pithos." Percy Jackson
"A-WOOF!" Mrs. O'Leary
Percy: "Don't call me boss." Blackjack. "Sure thing, boss." Percy Jackson and Blackjack the Pegasus
"Well... sure good to be together again. Arguing. Almost dying. Abject terror. Oh look, it's our floor." Grover
"They asked me a bunch of questions about you. I played dumb." Rachel
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...
Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage
If you cried during/after reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, copy this to your profile
If you loved DH, HBP, OotP, GoF, PoA, CoS, and SS/PS, and know what all those initials stand for, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you cried when Fred Weasley died (in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows), and not afraid to admit it, copy, paste this on your profile.
If you cried when Dobby died (in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows), copy and paste this into your profile
If you love Harry Potter, copy this into your profile.
If you always mentally make the Sirius "serious" pun whenever somebody says, "I'm serious!" copy and paste this into your profile.
If you read Deathly Hallows in under a week, copy and paste this (Try 10 hours!)
If you think Remus Lupin deserves more cuddles than Jacob Black, copy this to your profile.
If you wanted to punch Remus Lupin in the gut for thinking that he was "too old" for Tonks, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you agree that Tonks is a way better nickname than Dora (as in Nymphadora), copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you agree Pansy Parkinson should be sent to a Dog Kennel, copy and paste this to your profile.