He will have it, and eat it, too.
He will not have vanilla cake. Vanilla cake is light, and fluffy, and disgusting. Chocolate cake, however, is dark; like his soul.
He will not have purple, white, or pink frosting. It is a monstrosity and goes all against what he stands for. Red and black is well.
He will have his cake every Thursday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday night. However, never Sunday; that is the day he has pie.
He will not give his cake to any other than he; for he is superior over all else and he shall have his cake all the time and no one else in the facility will ever have cake.
The cake is NOT a lie. And Lord Sauron shall slaughter any who say so.
Sauron, while pretending he does not care, quite does care for the odd, fangirlish and rather obsessed assistant. Hurting the Assistant will result in permanent disfigurement or death.
Sauron will not deal with any orcs whistling at the, as some of them call the Assistant, 'fit little tart'. Doing so will result in replacement of your head with a chicken.
Sauron will not, despite the shrieks of fury and shrieks of fear often heard in the tower, ever harm the Assistant permanently, no matter how annoying she is.
Sauron hates the Assistant.
The Assistant loves Sauron.
It is a very odd relationship.
Sauron, by mere co-winky-dink (as the Assistant calls it, because she's an annoying little--) likes most of the things that his Assistant likes. Such as follows:
Aragorn/Frodo hurt/comfort flangst (Sauron will not deal with the liking of Aragorn/Frodo slash.)
Faramir/Boromir NON-romance thankyouverymuch because Sauron doesn't deal with incest flangst/fluff/angst/hurt-comfort.
Faramir/Denethor NON-romance thankyouverymuch because Sauron doesn't deal with incest flangst.
Denethor/Boromir NON-romance thankyouverymuch because Sauron doesn't deal with incest.
Well-written OCs; Sauron does not deal with obvious Mary-Sues.
Haldir/OC, Boromir/OC, Aragorn/OC, Legolas/OC. . .
Flangst, angst, hurt/comfort, sad endings in very large doses
Harry Potter. It is a secret obsession only he, Saruman and the Assistant know of. They enjoy Harry Potter. They enjoy it very much.
Severitus. Severus/Harry NON-romance thankyouverymuch because Sauron doesn't hold with such nonsense flangst, angst, hurt/comfort, Dursley!abuse. .
Snanger Danger, as The Assistant calls it, being her annoying and rather fangirly self; Sauron scoffs, but secretly likes the relationship, too.
Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and Voldemort. Sauron and The Assistant think they're delightfully evil and wish to meet them one day, although it shan't ever happen.
Albus Dumbledore. The Assistant and Sauron enjoys his fashion sense.
Dobby. Sauron and The Assistant agree on one thing: Dobby is Gollum's long lost second cousin four times removed - if that's possible.
Luna Lovegood. The Assistant wants her radish earrings.
The delightfully interesting Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans. If they really knew how bad some of them tasted, they wouldn't want to have them anymore.
Draco/Lucius NON-romance thankyouverymuch because because Sauron doesn't deal with incest flangst/fluff/angst/hurt-comfort/happy endings/non-happy endings.
Dark chocolate. Never milk chocolate. Never. Sauron does not hold with such nonsense.
Willy Wonka's Everlasting Gobstoppers. Especially the orange-flavored ones.
Phineas and Ferb. Sauron does not like to speak of this.
You shan't anger Sauron.
You shan't disappoint Sauron.
You shan't steal Sauron's cake.
You shan't steal Sauron's pie.
You shan't steal Sauron's dark chocolate.
You shan't steal Sauron's helmet.
You shan't try and peek at Sauron while he is in the shower. He will throw you in the sea. The Assistant knows this from experience. Luckily, she can swim.
You shan't attempt to harm The Assistant. While Sauron acts like he hates her guts, he actually quite likes her; perhaps only because she takes care of his evil paperwork.
You shan't try and punch Sauron; doing so will result in a broken hand. It's simply stupid to try and do so. Why ever would you try? That's right. Because you're STUPID.
You shan't wolf-whistle at The Assistant. Doing so will result in The Assistant clawing your eyes out and Sauron standing by and laughing maniacally.
You shan't anger The Assistant. The Assistant is more creative in ways of pain than even Sauron is, and Sauron is quite creative.
You shan't steal The Assistant's paperwork she is doing for Sauron. She will pelt you with a collection of seemingly neverending pecans until you give it back.
You shan't steal Sauron's computer away from him when he is typing or reading Fanfiction. Doing so will result in decapitation, disfigurement, bloodiness and tears.
You shan't steal The Assistant's computer away from her when she is typing or reading Fanfiction. Doing so will result in you having a pen in your eye, Joker-style.
Sauron is in no way responsible for any blood, disfigurement, decapitation, tears, or scarring. If you have done something to anger him, then you most probably deserved it, and whining will get you more pain. It is not Sauron's fault you are a jackass or simply a dumbass.
Sauron, despite what he may often claim, does not own Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter, or any other fanfic you happen to come across that he or The Assistant wrote below. He only owns The Assistant herself, and even then, she wanders off often and he has to trek through mountains to find her sitting in a cave hissing, "My preciouuusssss."
Sauron is not responsible for anything that may happen while you are reading one of his or The Assistant's fanfics. You have read it and now you must pay the price, whatever it may be.
Sauron is not a professional writer; nor will he ever publish a book, because he and The Assistant admits that they are not the best writers. But they try, and that should be enough.
Flaming reviews on any fanfics created by Sauron and The Assistant will be caramelized and served to the orcs.
Sauron and The Assistant share this one profile and account, and you can usually tell who writes each fanfic, because Sauron's stories are usually gory or end on a bad/unhappy note. The Assistant, however, likes creepy romances (cough, Grima/Eowyn, cough) and you will notice this in time.
Sauron and The Assistant do not have a 'beta reader', whatever that may be, and nor do they wish for one.
You should be honored if Sauron or The Assistant will review on your story. It means you have done well in this world. Good job. Give yourself a cookie. But make sure The Assistant did not poison it first. She is a sadistic little person.
If you are reading fanfic underneath this profile, then do not complain about what you are reading; you may do so in flames, but do it artfully and with grammar. The Assistant begs you, for she does not appreciate bad grammar. It is in both Sauron and The Assistant's opinions that if you do not like a certain fanfic, then you should not stop to flame it, but neither Sauron nor The Assistant can stop you from doing so.
The Assistant handles all responses to reviews, for Sauron is rude and often rather quite really threatening and intimidating in his responses.
Sauron and The Assistant appreciates appreciation. If you give appreciation, then Sauron and The Assistant will appreciate YOU.
Neither Sauron nor The Assistant has a website, a blog, a twitter, a facebook or a Youtube account. Nor shall they ever have one.
Sauron challenges you to watch Taking the Hobbits to Isengard for 10 hours. If you complete such a task, then send a Private Messsage to The Assistant and she will break the law just for you.
Sauron likes gifts. Even virtual gifts. Hint, hint.
Sauron and The Assistant, despite the odd pair, like reviews just as much as you do; and they will respond to every single one, or atleast try to, even if they're one-worded.