Sauron's Cake
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Joined 10-20-11, id: 3356335, Profile Updated: 10-20-11

SAURON'S CAKE:

He will have it, and eat it, too.
He will not have vanilla cake. Vanilla cake is light, and fluffy, and disgusting. Chocolate cake, however, is dark; like his soul.
He will not have purple, white, or pink frosting. It is a monstrosity and goes all against what he stands for. Red and black is well.
He will have his cake every Thursday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday night. However, never Sunday; that is the day he has pie.
He will not give his cake to any other than he; for he is superior over all else and he shall have his cake all the time and no one else in the facility will ever have cake.
The cake is NOT a lie. And Lord Sauron shall slaughter any who say so.

SAURON'S ASSISTANT:

Sauron, while pretending he does not care, quite does care for the odd, fangirlish and rather obsessed assistant. Hurting the Assistant will result in permanent disfigurement or death.
Sauron will not deal with any orcs whistling at the, as some of them call the Assistant, 'fit little tart'. Doing so will result in replacement of your head with a chicken.
Sauron will not, despite the shrieks of fury and shrieks of fear often heard in the tower, ever harm the Assistant permanently, no matter how annoying she is.
Sauron hates the Assistant.
The Assistant loves Sauron.
It is a very odd relationship.

SAURON'S OBSESSIONS:

Sauron, by mere co-winky-dink (as the Assistant calls it, because she's an annoying little--) likes most of the things that his Assistant likes. Such as follows:

Slash.
Aragorn/Legolas slash.
Boromir/Aragorn slash.

Aragorn/Frodo hurt/comfort flangst (Sauron will not deal with the liking of Aragorn/Frodo slash.)
Crackfics.
Grima Wormtongue/Eowyn.
Denethor living.
Grima living.
Haldir living.
Faramir/Eowyn.
Faramir/Boromir NON-romance thankyouverymuch because Sauron doesn't deal with incest flangst/fluff/angst/hurt-comfort.
Faramir/Denethor NON-romance thankyouverymuch because Sauron doesn't deal with incest flangst.
Denethor/Boromir NON-romance thankyouverymuch because Sauron doesn't deal with incest.
Well-written OCs; Sauron does not deal with obvious Mary-Sues.
Haldir/OC, Boromir/OC, Aragorn/OC, Legolas/OC. . .
Flangst, angst, hurt/comfort, sad endings in very large doses

Harry Potter. It is a secret obsession only he, Saruman and the Assistant know of. They enjoy Harry Potter. They enjoy it very much.
Severitus. Severus/Harry NON-romance thankyouverymuch because Sauron doesn't hold with such nonsense flangst, angst, hurt/comfort, Dursley!abuse. .
Snanger Danger, as The Assistant calls it, being her annoying and rather fangirly self; Sauron scoffs, but secretly likes the relationship, too.
Snuna. Snape/Lovegood.
Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and Voldemort. Sauron and The Assistant think they're delightfully evil and wish to meet them one day, although it shan't ever happen.
Albus Dumbledore. The Assistant and Sauron enjoys his fashion sense.
Dobby. Sauron and The Assistant agree on one thing: Dobby is Gollum's long lost second cousin four times removed - if that's possible.
Luna Lovegood. The Assistant wants her radish earrings.
The delightfully interesting Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans. If they really knew how bad some of them tasted, they wouldn't want to have them anymore.
Lucius/Harry slash.
Draco/Lucius NON-romance thankyouverymuch because because Sauron doesn't deal with incest flangst/fluff/angst/hurt-comfort/happy endings/non-happy endings.
Lucius/Harry friendship.
Draco/Lucius FRIENDSHIP.
Slytherin/independent/super/rich/etcetc/powerful!Harry.

Cake.
Pie.
Dark chocolate. Never milk chocolate. Never. Sauron does not hold with such nonsense.
Willy Wonka's Everlasting Gobstoppers. Especially the orange-flavored ones.
Phineas and Ferb. Sauron does not like to speak of this.

SAURON'S LAW:

You shan't anger Sauron.
You shan't disappoint Sauron.
You shan't steal Sauron's cake.
You shan't steal Sauron's pie.
You shan't steal Sauron's dark chocolate.
You shan't steal Sauron's helmet.
You shan't try and peek at Sauron while he is in the shower. He will throw you in the sea. The Assistant knows this from experience. Luckily, she can swim.
You shan't attempt to harm The Assistant. While Sauron acts like he hates her guts, he actually quite likes her; perhaps only because she takes care of his evil paperwork.
You shan't try and punch Sauron; doing so will result in a broken hand. It's simply stupid to try and do so. Why ever would you try? That's right. Because you're STUPID.
You shan't wolf-whistle at The Assistant. Doing so will result in The Assistant clawing your eyes out and Sauron standing by and laughing maniacally.
You shan't anger The Assistant. The Assistant is more creative in ways of pain than even Sauron is, and Sauron is quite creative.
You shan't steal The Assistant's paperwork she is doing for Sauron. She will pelt you with a collection of seemingly neverending pecans until you give it back.
You shan't steal Sauron's computer away from him when he is typing or reading Fanfiction. Doing so will result in decapitation, disfigurement, bloodiness and tears.
You shan't steal The Assistant's computer away from her when she is typing or reading Fanfiction. Doing so will result in you having a pen in your eye, Joker-style.

SAURON'S DISCLAIMER:

Sauron is in no way responsible for any blood, disfigurement, decapitation, tears, or scarring. If you have done something to anger him, then you most probably deserved it, and whining will get you more pain. It is not Sauron's fault you are a jackass or simply a dumbass.

Sauron, despite what he may often claim, does not own Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter, or any other fanfic you happen to come across that he or The Assistant wrote below. He only owns The Assistant herself, and even then, she wanders off often and he has to trek through mountains to find her sitting in a cave hissing, "My preciouuusssss."

Sauron is not responsible for anything that may happen while you are reading one of his or The Assistant's fanfics. You have read it and now you must pay the price, whatever it may be.

Sauron is not a professional writer; nor will he ever publish a book, because he and The Assistant admits that they are not the best writers. But they try, and that should be enough.

Flaming reviews on any fanfics created by Sauron and The Assistant will be caramelized and served to the orcs.

Sauron and The Assistant share this one profile and account, and you can usually tell who writes each fanfic, because Sauron's stories are usually gory or end on a bad/unhappy note. The Assistant, however, likes creepy romances (cough, Grima/Eowyn, cough) and you will notice this in time.

Sauron and The Assistant do not have a 'beta reader', whatever that may be, and nor do they wish for one.

You should be honored if Sauron or The Assistant will review on your story. It means you have done well in this world. Good job. Give yourself a cookie. But make sure The Assistant did not poison it first. She is a sadistic little person.

If you are reading fanfic underneath this profile, then do not complain about what you are reading; you may do so in flames, but do it artfully and with grammar. The Assistant begs you, for she does not appreciate bad grammar. It is in both Sauron and The Assistant's opinions that if you do not like a certain fanfic, then you should not stop to flame it, but neither Sauron nor The Assistant can stop you from doing so.

The Assistant handles all responses to reviews, for Sauron is rude and often rather quite really threatening and intimidating in his responses.

Sauron and The Assistant appreciates appreciation. If you give appreciation, then Sauron and The Assistant will appreciate YOU.

Neither Sauron nor The Assistant has a website, a blog, a twitter, a facebook or a Youtube account. Nor shall they ever have one.

Sauron challenges you to watch Taking the Hobbits to Isengard for 10 hours. If you complete such a task, then send a Private Messsage to The Assistant and she will break the law just for you.

Sauron likes gifts. Even virtual gifts. Hint, hint.

Sauron and The Assistant, despite the odd pair, like reviews just as much as you do; and they will respond to every single one, or atleast try to, even if they're one-worded.

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Dawn of the Moonfang by Tango Dancer reviews
7 years into the Winter War, the Kurosakis are forced to leave Japan for the twins' safety. They go to England, and finally acknowledge their mother's legacy. But Aizen plans, Death Eaters still lurk, and both worlds collide in the end. IchigoByakuya
Crossover - Harry Potter & Bleach - Rated: T - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 26 - Words: 159,956 - Reviews: 843 - Favs: 790 - Follows: 804 - Updated: 10/27/2014 - Published: 4/25/2011 - Ichigo K., Byakuya K.
The Honorary Hobbit by lovethosehobbits reviews
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Lord of the Rings - Rated: K - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 23 - Words: 77,979 - Reviews: 61 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 40 - Updated: 4/22/2014 - Published: 9/10/2011 - Aragorn, Frodo B.
Melody of Magic by Feni reviews
A young Harry Potter disappears from the Dursleys' residence. Years later Snape meets a musical prodigy by the name of Lucas, who shares Lily's eyes. Something is hidden behind those emerald irises, and Snape makes it his mission to find out what it is.
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Everybody Wants To Be A Cat by Les Dowich reviews
Critically injured during the final battle, Harry Potter chooses a simpler way to live. As a cat, Harry finds love and acceptance but no man can be a cat forever and everyone has to grow up and face the world one day.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 59,704 - Reviews: 417 - Favs: 937 - Follows: 1,117 - Updated: 12/30/2012 - Published: 1/30/2009 - Severus S., Harry P.
A Patrol Changes Everything by Chereche reviews
On patrol, Albus stumbles across an injured student. The effects of that night changes not only his life, but also the lives of Harry Potter and Severus Snape. However, are these changes for the better or the worse?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 48 - Words: 237,903 - Reviews: 1520 - Favs: 1,737 - Follows: 1,379 - Updated: 11/25/2012 - Published: 5/7/2010 - Harry P., Albus D. - Complete
Adventures of the Normality Impaired by Don'tGetSchwinned reviews
A comedy story about what happens when the Order of the Phoenix is forced to go into hiding without magic! Mostly about their daily life and mishaps. Not sure what it will come down to yet. :
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 13 - Words: 16,252 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 7/5/2012 - Published: 7/24/2011 - Harry P., Voldemort
Watching A Very Potter Sequel by SerpentWinged reviews
Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore's Army watch A Very Potter Sequel. Rated T for Language! Read it, or Mama Umbridge will pull out her LOVE Handel! Edit: I HAVE RETURNED WITH FRESH INSPIRATION!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 16 - Words: 28,421 - Reviews: 387 - Favs: 342 - Follows: 401 - Updated: 6/21/2012 - Published: 5/31/2011 - Harry P., Sirius B.
Plain Jane by Olympias13 reviews
She isn't from any "prophecy," she has no super powers, no super beauty, and there is no way she could ever beat ANYONE in a fight. She travels between both worlds, just looking for adventure, but she'll have a bigger impact on their people than planned.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 37 - Words: 94,033 - Reviews: 155 - Favs: 155 - Follows: 59 - Updated: 6/7/2012 - Published: 8/9/2011 - Boromir, Théoden - Complete
Harry's Birthday Wish by Fawkes1725 reviews
Since his parents demise at the hands of Voldemort Harry has lived a life no child should have to at the hands of the Dursleys. Every year he has made this same wish on his birthday. Will his wish finally come true? Snape/Harry mentor fic. Rated for abuse
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Family - Chapters: 43 - Words: 264,830 - Reviews: 1628 - Favs: 1,708 - Follows: 926 - Updated: 4/24/2012 - Published: 5/26/2011 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Shadow Child by Tango Dancer reviews
AU. Post-war, Voldemort rules the Wizarding World. On a visit at Hogwarts, he notices Draco Malfoy acting strange. Then, he and several teachers get the evidence that a student is being abused. Who is it, and who is Draco's mysterious 'Slythindor? HP/TR
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 18,870 - Reviews: 276 - Favs: 1,157 - Follows: 1,441 - Updated: 11/19/2011 - Published: 6/1/2011 - Harry P., Tom R. Jr.
Happy Burdens by Olympias13 reviews
They don't care about Sauron, they don't care about the ring, and they certainly have no ambitions to join the Fellowship. They don't even know what Middle-earth is. Still, that doesn't mean that they can't have fun and wreak havoc on the storyline.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 13,649 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 10/30/2011 - Published: 9/26/2011 - Aragorn, Boromir
My Fair Lady by Urchin of the Riding Stars reviews
Twoshot. Note: When your four year old finds the vengeful specter that you told him was probably lurking in his closet to be a better playmate than you, chances are things won't exactly work out in your favor. AU Danny/Vlad Fatherson
Danny Phantom - Rated: K+ - English - Horror/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 12,042 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 275 - Follows: 70 - Updated: 10/30/2011 - Published: 10/29/2011 - Danny F., Vlad M.
Bleeding Love by Tango Dancer reviews
15 years ago, they sealed him away never to see the light again. Now that his innocence has been proven, they want him back, but what they find is a broken man. Will they manage to get over the secrets and get his trust back after all the pain? LV/HP/LM
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 18,893 - Reviews: 248 - Favs: 1,982 - Follows: 336 - Published: 10/28/2011 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
To Have a Name by marksmom reviews
Severus gains custody of an abused and strangely silent seven year old Harry Potter. Severus OOC.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,031 - Reviews: 105 - Favs: 630 - Follows: 160 - Published: 10/24/2011 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
A Little Inconvenience by Frodo Baggins of Bag End reviews
In Minas Tirith after the Quest, Frodo comes down with a terrible cold. Elrond attends him.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: K - English - Hurt/Comfort/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 597 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 3 - Published: 9/11/2011 - Frodo B., Elrond - Complete
Dancing With A Dead Woman by Don'tGetSchwinned reviews
One-shot of what Snape sees in the Mirror of Erised. Hope you guys like it. Review.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 833 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 6 - Published: 8/22/2011 - Lily Evans P., Severus S. - Complete
Harry Potter and The Magic Revolution by KennethRose reviews
Harry gets thrown in Azkaban after being betrayed by his 'best friends'. There he finds love, and a reason and purpose in his life; to form the world into what it was meant to be. Super!Powerful!Smart!Harry, some Weasley and Hermione bashing, and fluff.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 30 - Words: 139,703 - Reviews: 480 - Favs: 1,128 - Follows: 1,034 - Updated: 6/12/2011 - Published: 3/8/2011 - Harry P., Bellatrix L.
Stupid Like Your Father by Niqi reviews
Angsty Harry needs to let off some steam. Hilarity ensues. A oneshot based on Dane Cook's "Brain Ninjas" bit. Not slash.
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Harry's New Home by kbinnz reviews
One lonely little boy. One snarky, grumpy git. When the safety of one was entrusted to the other, everyone knew this was not going to turn out well... Or was it? AU, sequel to "Harry's First Detention". OVER FOUR MILLION HITS!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 64 - Words: 318,389 - Reviews: 10704 - Favs: 6,187 - Follows: 2,325 - Updated: 10/16/2009 - Published: 7/31/2008 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Elementary Calculations by kcourtkat reviews
After finding out about his magic earlier, a decidedly non-Gryffindor Harry Potter plots his way to success.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 44,331 - Reviews: 1879 - Favs: 4,009 - Follows: 4,739 - Updated: 8/22/2008 - Published: 4/29/2008 - Harry P.
Harry's First Detention by kbinnz reviews
AU one-shot about Harry’s first detention with Snape. Take one mistreated boy, one misinformed man, mix well and watch what happens. Sequel now up! Titled "Harry's New Home".
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8,053 - Reviews: 413 - Favs: 2,912 - Follows: 410 - Published: 6/7/2008 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
So Sue Me by lunakatrina reviews
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Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 17 - Words: 44,383 - Reviews: 2213 - Favs: 3,605 - Follows: 3,101 - Updated: 1/5/2007 - Published: 6/23/2006 - Harry P.
HandMeDown Clothes by Quillitch reviews
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Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 37,271 - Reviews: 1136 - Favs: 1,298 - Follows: 418 - Updated: 4/5/2005 - Published: 10/18/2002 - Harry P., Albus D. - Complete
kbinnz (18)