I'm really bad at putting thoughts into words so I read instead.

[ ] Taken
[ ] Single
[X]Mentally dating a character that doesn't actually exist.

The Stupidest Things Written

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)

On a Myer hairdryer:"Do not use while sleeping."(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Wow. That's really helpful)

On a child's superman costume:"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (Aw, that's the whole purpose of buying the costume!)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions:"Put on fork and eat."(No! Really? We're supposed to eat food?!)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how??)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's just a suggestion).

On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children". (hmm..something must have been lost in translation...)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". (The shoplifter special!

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to "magically wrap around" Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody! A rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "oh crap, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!"

(If you worship the holiness that is the Log, copy and paste this section onto your profile)

Possible Book of Log Positions:

Log Worshiper: Beginning position. No requirements

Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related Fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapters) praises the Almighty Log and actually fits into the story

Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... it’s safer that way): you have created 3 Naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the Almighty Log

OR the Fanfics that already occasionally praises the Log has at least 400 reviews

OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfics focused on praising the Log... Log forbid.)

Blessed be the Children whom revel among mine Leaves; they shall be shielded

Blessed be the Ninja whom flow over my branches as shadows; I will answer their call for help

Blessed be the People whom feel my soothing shade and thank me; they shall never burn

Blessed are the Reverent of the Log; for they shall rejoin the Great Forest at the moment of their Felling

-Proverbs of the Log

A beginners guide for the ways of the Log:

This guide is for the beginning Log acolyte with a small amount of commandments and tips to start with your training in to the ways of the Log.

From the Book of the Holy Log these commandments were given to the very first Log Pope - a ninja called Woody - by the Great Tree of Life which still stands to the day in Rogugakure (Village Hidden in the Log), the epicenter of all Log believers.

Commandments:

1 Thou shalt never hurt a Log purposely.

2 Thou shalt take care of the Log and the Log shalt take care of thee.

3 Every 365 Moon Cycles thou shalt make a crusade to the Great Tree and make an offering so the Log will prosper.

4 When thou commits heresy thou will be transformed to a disgraced Log and will burn eternally in the unholy fires of Hell.

5 When thou has died and lived the ways of the Log dutifully thou shalt take place in the afterlife in the Forest of Life.

These are the Primary Commandments and you must obey them always. When your training progresses you shall learn more of them. Nevertheless here are tips to live by the Log:

1) Always use Rice Paper. Using Log Paper is frowned upon.

2) At least pray thrice a day to the Great Tree.

3) Try, with thy utmost effort, to spread the Holy Teachings of Log.

4) When evil is committed to a Log commit justice to the heretic. (Keep in mind that 95% of the world are disbelievers and that these rules are not used in the government system so act discretely.)

5) When you make an offering to the Great Tree always be respectful, even if the Great Tree does not answer.

6) Thy will find a companion in a Log with which thee should go everywhere, and it shalt become thy travelers Log.

7) Where Holy life sap is spilled plant a seed there so a tree may prosper there.

8) When writing the apology to the Log who saved your life name at least 5 reasons why you could not act otherwise.

9) When a Log Priest or Pope is nearby greet him and the Log he carries.

10) If you follow the ways dutifully the Log Pope may grant you with some life sap of the Greet Tree itself! Drink it and may you be closer to the Tree and the Log.

11) When one of the messengers of the Tree itself is nearby bow for him for the Great Log Sage will only grace the holiest of worshipers with his advice, whether through messenger or not.

12) Embrace the Squirrel Summons as your companions if they grace you with their presence.

All in all these basic rules and tips are a great start to begin with the ways of the Log but remember there is always more to learn."

Practices of the Log

Excerpt of the Log number 124: when using the Log to escape a Fire Jutsu, it is Konoha custom to write an apology letter to the Log and depending on rank of Jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. C-rank requires two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, A-rank, one thousand. S-rank and higher are excused from the writing of the letter, though even then, it is still recommended.

Log excerpt number 231: if Konoha Shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas Log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the Log and if found out that Shinobi is ineligible from using the Log for a period of two months.

Log excerpt number 437: Use of the Log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:

For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling.

For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five saplings.

For every hole in the Log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten saplings.

For every detached piece of the Log caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling per square inch of detached Log.

For a destroyed and unusable Log caused by your replacement you shall plant twenty-five saplings.

Excerpts from The Book Of The Log:

And the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost I weep? 'Tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. The Log ist thine ally, and mine kin. Calling upon the Log, is to call upon me. To aid thee in battle, I weep my tear of joy.

And the ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. For thine bravery will never be forgotten.

-Book of the Log, Song of the Willow, verses 1-4

As the Log takes your place, you become the Log. The Log becomes you. For a moment, you are an extension of the Logs blessing unto ninja.

-Book of the Log, Chronicle of the Replacement verse 3

"You are fools! Your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!" the ninja from the desert declared.

And the people shook their heads. "You have been denied the Log for a long time, Sandwalker. We cannot force you to see the glory of the Log, but know this. When the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the Log will hear your prayers, and aid you."

-Book of the Log, Redwood Journals verses 15-16

and as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the Log. blackened and charred, the Log crumbled. the ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. He made his way to the Log, and wept. His companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. He spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the Logs forever grow. the Forest of Life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. I thank you my friend.

-Book of the Log, Honor of the Forest Canticle I, verses 78-82

He despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no Logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a Log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the Log, in a place where there were none.

-Book of the Log, Wanderers Saga, verses 7-9

…The Log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. The people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another Log again. for many years, he fought without the Log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. Finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him, and as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a Log in his place. His stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the Log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. he asked of the Log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? have you not done enough for me? and the Log spoke: “It is my duty, and our bond. we exist to save the Ninja, and they exist to save the trees. we both play a part, for which I am Content.”

-Book of the Log, Honor of the Forest Canticle II, verses 59-70

The Log is my savior; I shall not char.

It burns in my stead: it protects me from the flames.

It confounds mine enemies: it covers mine escape.

Yea though I walk through the compounds of Uchiha, I will fear no Katon; for thou art with me, thy Bark and thy Sap shield me.

Thou provides me with shielding from the kunai of mine enemies: from their shuriken and their wrath; and my gratitude is never ending.

Surely splinters and termites shall follow me all my ninja life, but I shall remain devoted to The Log forever!

- Log Oath #23

"As the seventh moon cycle passed, the Holy Log Pope begged for help from the gods, and his please was justly

answered. Bathed in light, Hashirama Senju took up the powers of the log, and as the light left him, he sayith, "Let there be Logs."'

Birth of Konoha, verse 5

Until that day, will we hold remembrance for the Whirlpools and reverence for the Log. Some have said that our divided reverence for these was the cause of our destruction. But we know it is not the case. The Log knows that we are true and remaining true the Log will keep us until we are called home.

-The Uzumaki Scroll lines 31-33

…And I saw Great Logs Surrounded me, and upon each Log a name shown Bright and Proud. Hashirama… Hiruzen… Naruto. And lo beyond the congregation of Holy Logs stood one alone flanked by two smaller Logs. On these smaller Logs were the names stunned me, Yahiko and Konan, the Martyred Prophet and Fallen Angel. However, it was the center and largest Log that held my attention; This Log Bared the name of the Lost Saint… The Redeemed Sage! Nagato Pain!

-The Visions of Konohamaru Sarutobi chapter 5 verses 35-39