Raudhr Blodhgarm
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Joined 11-27-11, id: 3469724, Profile Updated: 02-16-13
Author has written 10 stories for Inheritance Cycle, Bartimaeus Trilogy, Misc. Books, Warcraft, Doctor Who, Hunger Games, A song of Ice and Fire, and Ranger's Apprentice.

You have ventured into the strange and whimsical world of Raudhr Blodhgarm's profile. Be wary. Sanity has long forsaken this place...

Hello. I am mildly against telling my faithful readers boring things, so you get interesting and mildly scary info. Enjoy.

My Quote: "Mocha is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."- Me

What My Quote Is Based On: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."- Ben Franklin.

My Favorite TV Line: "Always bring a banana to a party, Rose. Always!"- The Doctor.

My Favorite Quote: "Avoid roasted cabbage, don't eat earwax, and look on the bright side of life."- Angela the butt-kicking herbalist.

My T-shirt slogan: Those who claim to flirt with insanity lie. They do not flirt with me. To my knowledge.

My other T-shirt slogan: I *Two Hearts* Gallifrey.

My real name: PSYCH!

What's cool: Fezes, bowties, fedoras, stetsons, and trench coats, what else?

My favorite Christian book: The Screwtape Letters.

How to apply The Screwtape Letters: Pay attention to your actions, and if you start to see similarities between your actions and Screwtape's advice, STOP.

My opinions on Homosexuality: 99% sure that God will sort it out, so it's not my problem.

My favorite pocket knife: My RubyBlade. Not sure if that's what it is called, but that's what I call it.

My Advice To People: If you're in an abandoned house, and there is a note behind wallpaper from the Doctor, you're screwed. And do try to look at the angels. (That's from Doctor Who.)

My Age (Skirting boring here. Must be careful): According to some scientific theories me and my friend have, possibly as old as 5000 years.

My Order of People-that-are-cool-so-they-are-my-friends: The Order of the Falafel. (Now well away from boring)

Languages I speak Fluently: English, Spanglish, Sarcasm, Versification, and Cussing-the-Sky-Blue.

My Catch Phrase: This normal you speak of sounds like no fun at all.

Weirdness level: On a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelegeuse.

Favorite Halloween charries: Ford Prefect, Arthur Dent, and The Doctor.

What I really need to sew into a stocking cap: Thank you, Raxacoricafallabitorious 4!

What I should say after I finish a concert: Thank you, Raxacoricafallibatorius 4!

My Bowling Identity: Ford Prefect.

My In-Story Avatar: A black wolf, with eyes that Brom will eventually describe as "Two diamonds, and in them a whole universe displayed, all the knowledge collected by a mighty entity that scoffs at the troubles of kings, yet tends an abandoned egg". This wolf was created out of the blood of the land, and its soul is that of all wolves and dogs everywhere. If any dog knows something, the formidable Red Bloodwolf is aware of it. The wolf has a rather playful attitude, and is perfectly content to sit by a fire and be warmed. Companion to any being it deems a good soul. I once sat and told it tales, tales of a land known as Alagaesia, of a man known as Nicholas Flamel, of a land called Foo and a boy by the name of Leven. It listened as I dredged up an ancient feud between Morgarath and King Duncan, as I recalled the exploits of a boy named Percy Jackson, and told the tale of the Weirlind. And then it trotted away from my fire and left me there, thinking. It lived in the ancient realm NoxAnimus, a strange land where not all is as it would seem. Many beings of might live there, but all know and fear the Red Bloodwolf. Then it left, and became a denizen of the land Argentum, then finally found the land of Aes Terra. If you wish to know of its exploits there, you must read any stories I write about Raudhr Blodhgarm.

If you find me staring into the stars by myself one night, don't ask. I'm looking for a green spaceship. And don't you dare give me any more Janx Spirit.

When people find out how many guns and other "weapons" I own, they assume that I am mortally terrified by something, and thus surround myself with guns. They are wrong. The guns make me afraid of nothing.

Sometimes I think I've gone insane. Then I wonder what the hell I was thinking before.

I wear a bobby pin on my ear in a manner similar to an earring. Not really sure why.

I have three noticeable scars. Most parents are offended when they learn of my large collection of knives. They then inquire if my scars are from my knives. They are not. One is from my friend accidentally running me over with a bike. Another is from hitting the front brakes on my bike whilst riding down a steep rocky slope. Not a good idea. The last is from an adventure in which I was making arrowheads, and cut myself on an arrowhead. That is all.

People say that when I run a wall, it's totally "Assassin's creed, bro." I then inform them that Assasin's Creed is totally "Raudhr Blodhgarm, bro."

I have been called a gay hobo by ten different people for wearing a bobby pin on my ear. I then told them that apparently gay hobos look pretty amazing.

How did Peter kill Fenris Ulf, tell me that?! Fenris should have been able to man-handle him, and then proceed to perform a merry jig for the hell of it before departing.

If life gives you lemons, I suggest you find some sugar and water, or your lemonade is going to suck.

If life gives you lemons, ask who this life person is anyways and how he gets all these lemons?

If life gives you lemons, I laugh at you. I got strawberries.

If life gives you lemons, I suggest you start locking your doors. I wouldn't want some creep named life handing me lemons in my room. Just saying.

If life gives you lemons, scream the Elder Swear in his face.

If life hands you a hot chocolate packet, a Folgers coffee brewing bag, a sugar cube, and a mug of hot water, make a Boy Scout mocha.

If life gives you lemons, wait until January, then trade aforesaid lemons for a knife. At Trapper's Rendeveux.

This is this cat.

This is is cat.

This is a cat.

This is good cat.

This is way cat.

This is to cat.

This is waste cat.

This is the cat.

This is time cat.

This is of cat.

This is a cat.

This is retard cat.

Now read every third word. XD

I never remeber to write my disclaimers so,

Raudhr Blodhgarm: I own the rights to the books I write Fanfictions about only in my fantasies. So unless that counts, this is my disclaimer.

How to tell if someone is your friend or best friend or Girlfriend.

1. You were mugged. Friend: Helps you up. Best friend: Finds that punk and beats him into submission. Girlfriend: Is upset.

2. You were just pwned by Luigi in Smash Bros Brawl. Friend: That's okay. He's hard. Best friend: WHAT WAS THAT?!!!!! FAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Girlfriend: Wasn't there.

3. You tripped. Friend: Helps you up. Best friend: Who do you think tripped you? The air? Girlfriend: Is upset.

4. You're in a fight. Friend: Eggs you on. Best Friend: Beats that punk's sorry mug so hard his MOTHER feels it! Girlfriend: Is not upset.

5. There is only one brownie left. Friend: You can have it. Best friend: Grabs a knife. "Go ahead. Reach for it." Girlfriend: Has already eaten it, not having given it a second thought.

6. Your Girlfriend dumps you. Friend: Helps you through it. Best friend: "Accidentally" meets her in a dark alley. She is found unconscious the next day. Girlfriend: Is unconscious in aforesaid alley.

7. You think you're a fail. Friend: No you're not! You're awesome. Best friend: That's okay. You're MY fail. Girlfriend: Yeah. I'm dumping you. (See numero seis)

8. You get thrown in jail. Friend: Visits you. Best friend: Is sitting next to you saying "Man, I knew we should have bailed when jimmy whipped out the firecrackers." Girlfriend: Dates another guy.

9. You're writing a book. Friend: Reads it. Best friend: Is IN it. Girlfriend: "You're a nerd". Dumps you.

10. You realize you can speak the Ancient Language fluently. Friend: Mocks you. Best friend: Reads the whole Inheritance cycle so you two can have an Elven conversation. Girlfriend: You didn't even tell her.

11. You cuss someone out in the Dwarf language. Friend: Are you on crack? Best friend: Dude, that was amazing! Barzuln! I should have done that! Girlfriend: Was unconscious in a dark alley.

12. You have no lunch. Friend: gives you some. Best friend: Waves his amazing pizza in front of your face before licking it. Girlfriend: Just keeps talking about clothes, and doesn't even notice.

13. The crowd leaves you behind. Friend: Follows them. Best Friend: Kicks some butt! Girlfriend: Dumps you!

14. Phone numbers! Friend: Asks for it. Best friend: Calls you to ask what his number is, because he forgot. Girlfriend: Texts you so much talking about her problems that you are very tempted to text back STFU!

((I don't hate females. My friend just had bad, similar experiences with his girlfriend.))

Funny Jokes

The Creation Joke:

In the beggining, God created the dog. And he said "You will live for 20 years and sit on the porch and bark at people." And the dog replied "That's a long time! Perhaps I could give you half of that back?" God said "Very well." Then god created the monkey and told it "You will live for 40 years. You will spend it performing tricks to entertain others." To which the monkey replied "That's a long time! perhaps I could give you half of it back?" And God said "Very well." Then he created the cow. He instructed it "You will live for eighty years, and you will spend that time toiling and laboring under the sun to provide for others." To which the cow replied "That's awfully long, Lord. Could I perhaps give you back half of it?" God said "Very well." Then he created the human. (Almost there, folks.) God told him "You have twenty years to enjoy yourself and laugh and play." To which the human replied, "Well, that's not very long. Could I possibly have the cumulative years that all the other creatures returned to you?" And God said "Very well. But you asked for it." And that is why for the first twenty years of our lives, we laugh and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we toil and labor under the sun to provide for others. For the next twenty years, we do monkey tricks for the grandkids. And for the last twenty years of our lives, we sit on the porch and bark at people. You now understand life as we know it.

Review: It was long in coming, but the punchline was pretty good, wasn't it?

The best blonde joke ever: (I'm blonde, so don't yell at me.)

So a redhead, a brunette, and a blondie walk into a haunted house. They see a magic mirror, which tells them "Make a statement. If it is true, then you shall pass. If not, I will obliterate you." So the brunette walks up and says "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world." Poof! there she goes. The Redhead walks up and says "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof! there she goes. The blonde walks up and says "I think-" Poof! there she goes.

Review: Hee hee. Stupid blonde.

The 2nd best blonde joke ever:

Some girls escaped from prison and are heading to Mexico to be free. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. But they had to cross a firing range first. The brunette screamed "HURRICANE!" And all the soldiers did whatever you do to survive a hurricane. She then sprinted across. The redhead screamed "TORNADO!!!" and all the soldiers got into duck and cover. She sprinted across. The blonde, who followed her sisters in all ways, decided to use a natural disaster as well. So she screamed "FIRE!!!!" and sprinted across. She didn't make it.

Review: Hee hee. Stupid blonde.

No, it's not the whole thing, just what applies to me.

I have straight A's, so I must have NO SOCIAL LIFE!

I'm insane, so I must be on MEDS!

I have few friends, so I must be ANTI-SOCIAL!

I don't act TYPICAL, so I must be GAY. (Which is simply not true. I'm not gay.)

I can PICK A LOCK, so I must be a HOOD. (Nope. It's just handy.)


I don't have a girlfriend, so I must be GAY. (Nope. Once again, I'm not.)

I'm PALE, so I must be ANTI-SOCIAL.

I'm an INTROVERT, so I must be ANTI-SOCIAL.

I like GOOD GRAMMAR, so I must be a nit-picky NERD. (Well, actually, I am.)

I like the FINE ARTS, so I must be ARROGANT. (Well, actually, I am arrogant, fatal flaw and all, but that's not why!)

I know BIG WORDS, so I must shove them in other people's faces.

I don't believe in common fashion, so I must be GAY.

I believe in a MAN (or WOMAN'S) word, so I must be NAIVE.

I know how to fight, so I must be VIOLENT.

I make jokes at other people's expense, so I must be HATEFUL.

I have friends that are GIRLS, so I must be kissing them behind my friend's back.

I don't hate MUSLIMS, so I must be ATHEIST.

I'm friends with an ATHEIST, so I must hate CHRISTIANS.

I'm ATHEIST, so I must hate God. (Nope, they just don't believe in God. Different.)

I DON'T DATE GIRls, so I must want to date every guy I see.

I'm GAY, therefore I hate girls and love every guy I see.

I write FANFICTION, so I MUST be a PERVERT. (God that stereotype is annoying.)

I am impressed. Not all have escaped this wasteland with even the barest scraps of sanity.

Raudhr Blodhgarm: I heard that!

Even now, that most twisted versifier pries at your normality-

Raudhr Blodhgarm: Hecks yes! Normality is for those too weak-willed to do things their own way! Narrator is suitably chastised.

Run, you fools! He is too strong!


*flings energies too powerful for the Narrator's essence to withstand*


(The asterisk represents my ability to speak Cussing-the-sky-blue fluently)

Raudhr's profile is Raudhr's. Do not copy the Raudhr-profile without explicit permission by Raudhr.

-Raudhr's secretary

Sons of Prydon by Leda74 reviews
Centuries ago in the constellation of Kasterborous, in the Citadel of the Time Lords, fate brought two Gallifreyan boys together in a trial of adversity neither of them could ever have expected. And that is where it ALL began...
Doctor Who - Rated: K+ - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 11,054 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 5/5/2013 - Published: 8/9/2012 - 1st Doctor, The Master, The Black Guardian
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A Game of Textbooks reviews
Yes, I know, how original, but I haven't touched Fanfiction in forever, so I wrote something light and fun. Will try to continue updating. Obviously, just a modern-day setting of game of Thrones. Jaime's a military Captain. Jon's a member of the border guard. Brienne's there. What's not to like? Have a read, write a review, make my day, eh? Also, I have good grammar. I swear.
A song of Ice and Fire - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,881 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 2/18/2013 - Published: 2/15/2013 - Jon S.
An Angel in the Garden reviews
This Angel has a tale to tell. Sometimes he's scary. Sometimes he's loving. But one thing is constant in his life: He enjoys his sense of humor. I live with an Angel in my garden. And sometimes he scares me. Sometimes he hugs me. But one things is certain: He's got swag.
Doctor Who - Rated: T - English - Humor/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,541 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 28 - Updated: 7/13/2012 - Published: 7/7/2012 - Weeping Angels
A Tale of Three Druids reviews
It's a WoW fic, I couldn't find that as a category, so I went with this. It's a tennis between Groose Almighty and me. There will be a sequel! It is about some cool druids and their Lich King adventures. Includes Jack the Monkey!
Warcraft - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 20 - Words: 26,059 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 6/23/2012 - Published: 2/9/2012 - Tauren, Troll
What is this skype? reviews
This is set before season seven, but after six, and in a new regeneration of the Doctor. I understand that this can't happen, but I DON'T CARE. It is effectively what happens when Amy, River, the Master, and Rory all go hounding after the Doctor by Skype.
Doctor Who - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,528 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 6/23/2012 - Published: 5/16/2012 - The Master, Amelia P./Amy
Tee Time reviews
A little fic about Bart causing havoc. Occurs during the Golem's Eye, or really whenever. Heavy spoilers. We're back, baby! All my reviewers, I'd like to point out that I have continued writing this story, and I love your faces!
Bartimaeus Trilogy - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,202 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 6/23/2012 - Published: 1/9/2012 - Bartimaeus, J. Farrar
Panem High reviews
It's an HS fic of Hunger Games. Haymitch teaches P.E, and the Hunger Games is a multi-sport tournament between districts. Kind of like Seinfeld, plot, and yet no. Be warned: I'm not one to stick to canon. If you're either pairing, I'll probably have both.
Hunger Games - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,317 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 6/14/2012 - Published: 5/17/2012 - Katniss E., Peeta M.
Alagaesia High School reviews
This is not a straight-forward fic. It is not fluff. It is not always ExA! There is some FaolinxA I mean quality , some RxK, and some SxF. No fluff! It gets better later on. No slash, no MxN, and no fluff. Basically, it's an AU HS fic. P.S. NO FLUFF! Just to let you know, thinking about a sequel. Completed and not just a piece of author vomit!
Inheritance Cycle - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 24,022 - Reviews: 106 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 21 - Updated: 4/6/2012 - Published: 1/15/2012 - Arya, Eragon S. - Complete
How the Grinch Stole Christmas, an Epic reviews
I was just thinking, what if I reformatted how the Grinch stole Christmas into a novel? This, is what would happen, I dare say. On Hiatus/ I hate this story and wish I had never written it.
Misc. Books - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 424 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 1/10/2012
Demons and Dragons and Rangers, Oh My! reviews
Inheritance, bartimaeus, and Ranger's crossover. Actual plot, I promise! Set after all Ranger's, After Ring of Solomon but before other junk, and before whole Inheritance. Minor Spoilers on Bart and inheritance, big spoilers on Ranger's. ON HIATUS!
Crossover - Inheritance Cycle & Ranger's Apprentice - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 10 - Words: 9,798 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 1/10/2012 - Published: 12/2/2011 - Oromis, Halt
The Greatest Adventurer of All Time, Brom reviews
A history of Brom's life. Serious spoilers for Inheritance. On Hiatus. Yes, many of my stories are on hiatus. forgive me. Well don't, because I don't deserve it.
Inheritance Cycle - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,091 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Published: 1/9/2012 - Brom, Faƶlin
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