"Get your facts first, then distort them as you please."-Mark Twain

"Behind every great man, is a woman rolling her eyes."-Jim Carrey

"I respect the person who let girls into the army. Girl on period with a Gun = Unstoppable"-Will Farrel

"A word to the wise ain't nessecary, it's the stupid ones that need advice."-Bill Cosby

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend, and a successful woman is one who can find such a man"-Lana Turner

"All men are equal before fish."-Herbert Hoover

"Fuck you, that's how"-Alucard, Hellsing: Ultimate-Abridged

"I came, I saw, I conquered."-Julius Caesar

"Experience is the teacher of all things."-Julius Caesar

"I love the name of honor, more than I fear death."-Julius Caesar

"Men in general are quick to believe that which they wish to be true."-Julius Caesar

"No one is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected."-Julius Caesar

"What we wish, we readily believe, and what we ourselves think, we imagine others think also."-Julius Caesar

"I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep, I am afraid of an army of sheep, led by a lion"-Alexander the Great

"To win one-hundred victories is not supreme skill, to subdue the enemy without fighting is the supreme of skill."-Sun Tzu

"We must end war, or war will end us."-H.G. Wells

"Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft."-Theodore Roosevelt

"I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!"-Theodore Roosevelt

"I don't pity any man who does hard work worth doing. I admire him. I pity the creature who does not work, at whichever end of the social scale he may regard himself as being."-Theodore Roosevelt

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."-Theodore Roosevelt

"Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering."-Theodore Roosevelt

"The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats."-Theodore Roosevelt

"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life."-Theodore Roosevelt

There is no right or wrong opinion, just different points of view

"I have no fucks to be given!"-Bard

"If a man says something in the forest and there's no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?"-Unknown

"What should I call you? Pincoushin Man? No, the human quilt!"-Spiderman

If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door

Don't and Stop, the two words guys never want to hear unless they're put together

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

Someday we'll look on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.

When in doubt, push random buttons!

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter

You think you matter? In a few seconds you won't even be matter!

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work

I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Sarcasm, one more free service I offer.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

Silence may be golden, but I will never be silent! Therefore, I am Platinum!

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

The trouble with life, is there's no background music.

I couldn't repair you brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!

I don't get even, I get odder.

I have a photographic memory, but it takes a day to develop.

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly, if it's worth it.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why...some people seem bright until you hear them speak.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

If Fed ex and UPS merged, they would be called Fed UP.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.

My job isn't to jump feet-first into hell, it's to make sure it's full when I get there!

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

To be alone is to be different; to be different is to be alone.

Excuse me while I find a container for my joy.

Give a person a fish, you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet, they won't bother you for weeks.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Before you criticize some one, walk a mile in their shoes! That way you’re a mile away and you still have their shoes!

Forgive your enemies! It messes up their heads!

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS??

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

25. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

Friends are gods way of apologizing for our families.

Save trees: don't do homework!

When Life gives you lemons squirt them in Life's eyes!!

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons...for you are crunchy and taste like chicken.

When life gives you lemons, force life to take the lemons back, get mad, and demand to see life's manager!

YOU KNOW YOUR A GOOD FUCKING AUTHOR IF...

You talk to yourself a lot.

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')

When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean taking someone's liver?')

After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, 'Holy crap, this stuff is great for sugar highs...'

You live off of sugar and caffine

You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then dissappear off the face of the earth.

You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.

When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.

You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.

No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.

The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.

Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.

People think you have A.D.D.

You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.

You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.

You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason

Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.

And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.