FUNNY STUFF PEOPLE SHOULD SAY

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Its always in the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would you keep looking after I found it?

Your laughing now because your older than me by mere months, but when you 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back.

When your down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I'll be willing to lay down right next to you.

You don't die of a broken heart... you only wish you did.

Sticks and stones may scar my skin but words slice through my soul within.

Its not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

When your are in jail a friend will bail you out, but a best friend will be sitting right next to you saying "dang, that was fun!"

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up.

Friends will always be like "Well, you deserve better!" but best friends will prank call him saying "Seven days..."

A friend will comfort you when he rejects you, but a best friend will go up to him and say "Its because your gay isn't it?"

I called your boyfriend "gay" and he hit me with his purse!

People say "Guns don't kill people, People kill people!" Well, I think guns help. If you stood there and yelled Bang, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

The toothfairy teaches kids it's okay to sell body parts.

I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours.

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.

Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

God created man-THEN had a better idea!

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history

Your year book picture still haunts me.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

You're a speacial kind of stupid, aren't you?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.

So what if we act like imature idiots? We're having fun.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh,he just took a wrong turn,got lost,and is to stubborn to ask directions.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

I like work. It fasinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours.

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

I DONT obsess! I think intensley...and like all the time

Jogging is a slow sprinting, Coach!

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?

I have CDO. It's like OCD but all of the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be.

It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.

The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

Jesus saves. Passes to Moses, he shoots, he scores!!

Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over.

I'm not random, I'm just HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL!

You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You jump off a cliff, I laugh.

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang, that was fun!"

They never suspect the short one.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Anyone else having trouble getting to Narnia?

I've used up all of my sick days so I'm calling in dead.

Stereotyping? How do you type with a stereo?

People who don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do wish I was.

I didn't slap you, I high-fived your face.

You're a great friend, but if the zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.

DEATH: the number 1 killer in the U.S...tell your friends.

Automatic doors make me feel like a JEDI!!

Hey stupid! Your sock is untied...

If my calculations are correct...slinkies + escalator = EVERLASTING FUN!!

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

"To be is to do" ~Socrates

"To do is to be" ~Sartre

"Do be do be do." ~Sinatra

Ever notice that studying is "student" and "dying" put together?

Owww! Charlie!! Charlie bit me...

Procrastinators; the leaders of tomorrow.

Im not random, you just can't think as fast as me.

Tu madre. You just got burnt in spanish.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Chocolate is the answer no matter what the question is.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

We're so cool ice cubes are jealous.

Im not as random as you think I salad.

It's okay pluto. I'm not a planet either.

Ever wonder why bologna and lasagna don't rhyme?

Laughing until your stomach hurts is what friends are for.

If people were all meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

Wanna hear a joke? ...miley cyrus.

On a scale of 1 to crazy I'm a penguin.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I don't get it...boys think girls are so complicatd. Haven't they met themselves?

I see no good reason to act my age.

Don't follow my footsteps, I run into walls.

Be a dork!! Because being cool is overrated.

At this moment, you're the oldest you've ever been. Pretty deep huh?

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Hey you! Yeah you! No, not you, the other guy. You right there! Do you like tacos?

Making us all wish we were blind:Speedo.

Worst time to have a heart attack; during a game of charades.

If you're reading this then you're not dead. Good for you.

I ROCK! Guitar hero told me.

I tried being normal, but I didn't like it.

~I was going to kill the ugliest person alive but then i thought I'd let your mom live one more day

~Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.

~There are two things that are infinite. The universe and human stupidity. And I'm not so sure about the universe.

~Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

~Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.

~Be yourself. That's crazy enough.

~You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.

~Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.

~I have animal magnetism-- when I go outside, squirrels stick to my sleeves.

~The trouble with real life is that there is no background music

~I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere

~Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.

~Forecast for tonight: darkness

~If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?

~I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

~Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

~How come when you mix water with flour, you get glue and then when you add eggs and sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go?

~If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something

~Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die.

~Hell is full of musical amateurs

~There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line

~I'm not random I just have many thoughts

~I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes

~I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

~ -sticks hand in electric box- CHIDORI!!

~If you had a life you would stop talking about mine

~We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

~Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking

~The below statement is true

The above statement is false

~Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

~Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.

~In a world of cheerios, be a frootloop!

~Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later.

~God must love stupid people...he made so many

~There is no great genius without a mixture of madness

~When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

~You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me.

~Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor.

~PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bitch.

~Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them as much

~If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense

~One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

~I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah nah!

~Eat healthy. Work right. Die anyway.

~I have a dream and in it, something eats you.

~Its sad your own mom dresses you like that.

~Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful.

~Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical

~My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems

~If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the hell are you scared?!

~I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

~Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a barbie doll.

~If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.

~I know KUNG-FU and 42 other dangerous words

~Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret!

~Quick, whats the number for 9-1-1?

~You should always proofread what you write in case you any words.

~I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a better conversation than you.

~I ran into my ex today. Then I put it in reverse and hit him again.

~By the time you finished reading this you'll realize you just wasted 5 seconds of your life

~I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday

~Hi! I'm human. What're you?

~Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?

~I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass!

~Everyone has a right to be ugly, but you're abusing that privilege.

~If we were to kill everyone who thought you were stupid, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

~I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

~Wherever there is life there is love

~I may not be perfect but at least I'm confident

~Sometimes all we need are each other

~Life is like a circle. No wonder I'm so dizzy.

~Yeah I'm a loser, but I'm the coolest loser you'll ever meet

~A friend would call you a retard but a best friend would call you one and act like one with you.

~Boys break our hearts, so why don't we break their necks?

~One night, I looked up into the sky. I began counting the reasons why I love you. I was doing great until I ran out of stars.

~When they laugh, we'll laugh along too. Because we know better. We know.

~I wanted to send you something SEXY... but the mail man told me to get out of the mail box...

~I'm NOT SHORT!! ... I'm fun sized!

~Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses!

~When you call us BITCHES we just look at each other and crack up, because we knew that WAAAAAAAAAAY BEFORE YOU DID!

~Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars and thought to myself, WHERE THE HELL IS MY CEILING!?

~Am I pissing you off-fa-fa?

~We are the people our parents warned us about!

~Someone told me its illegal to kill someone for pissing you off...crap...!

~I have the kind of friends where if my house was burning down, they'd be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen! (Yeah and they probably start it too..)

~RAWR!! That means I love you in dinosaur!

~Grant me the serenity to accept things I can not change... And the shovel to hide the bodies of those who piss me off...

~Its not that I'm not a “people person”... its just that I'm not a “stupid people person”.

~Lets play Simon Says! Simon Says... GO CRAP YOURSELF!!

~You and me are friends. You fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge... I'm gonna miss your dumb ass!

~I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a... aww who am I kidding!

~If I promise not to kill you... can I have a hug?

~I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh look a kitty!

~Exactly how much fun can I have before I go to hell?

~HELL- Where all the fun people end up!

~Ne the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says “Oh crap she's up!”

~Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid!

~They keep saying the right person will come along... I think a truck hit mine!

~It better to have loved and lost then to live with the PSYCHO the rest of your life!

~Only You!... can help me hide the bodies!

~I'm smiling cause I'm your sister, I'm laughing cause theres nothing you can do about it!

~When I die, I'm going to haunt the HELL out of you people!

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?