Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.
Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.
You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. I guess I can settle for second place.
I have animal magnetism-- when I go outside, squirrels stick to my sleeves.
The trouble with real life is that there is no background music
I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
Forecast for tonight: darkness
If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?
I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
How come when you mix water with sugar, you get glue and then when you add eggs and sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go?
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die.
Hell is full of musical amateurs
I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes
-sticks hand in electric box- CHIDORI!!
If you had a life you would stop talking about mine
We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking
The below statement is true
The above statement is false
Heaven doesn't want me there and Hell knows I'll take over.
Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.
People are like slinkies. Basically useless and yet its so amusing to watch them fall down stairs
Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later.
God must love stupid people...he made so many.
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me.
Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah nah!
Eat healthy. Work right. Die anyway.
I have a dream and in it, something eats you.
Its sad your own mom dresses you like that.
Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful.
Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the hell are you scared?!
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
I know KUNG-FU and 42 other dangerous words
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shh its a secret!
Quick, whats the number for 9-1-1?
You should always proofread what you write in case you eat any words.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a better conversation than you.
I ran into my ex today. Then I put it in reverse and hit him again.
By the time you finished reading this you'll realize you just wasted 5 seconds of your life
Hi! I'm human. What're you?
Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass!
Everyone has a right to be ugly, but you're abusing that privilege.
If we were to kill everyone who thought you were stupid, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
Sometimes all we need is each other. Air doesn't hurt either.
Life is like a circle. No wonder I'm so dizzy.
Yeah I'm a loser, but I'm the coolest loser you'll ever meet
Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars and thought to myself, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CEILING!?
Am I pissing you off-fa-fa?
Exactly how much fun can I have before I go to hell?
If I had half a mind..I would still be smarter than you!!
Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my water!
All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege.
Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run--he hates that.
Come to the dark side. We have cookies.
In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.
I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.
In the play Hamlet, Hamlet says to be or not to be that is the question. What I wanna know is... whats the answer?
Light travels faster than sound. That is why...some people seem bright until you hear them speak.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says "So far so good!"
Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
It's a beautiful day... now watch some asshole mess it up.
I swear, officer. I didn't punch her; I just high-fived her face.
Didn't give a fuck yesterday, don't give a fuck today, probably won't give a fuck tomorrow.
He who laughs last didn't get it, and he who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Most women say that men should have to suffer through periods like us; not me. If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.
Therapy pays off later; screaming obscenities and beating the snot out of people pays off now.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and 4 to reach out and slap someone.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.
3AM Phone Call* "Are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."
People say "Guns don't kill people, People kill people!" Well, I think guns help. If you stood there and yelled Bang, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours.
Pac-Man ghosts: the first stalkers.
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.
Where does life get all these lemons?
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
HOT SURFACE, DO NOT TOUCH! Hmmm, I wonder how hot is hot... AHHH!!!!
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
Everything is funny as long as it's happening to someone else.
Don't worry about the world ending today because it's already tomorrow in Australia!
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
If you tickle me I'm not responsible for your injuries.
I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet.
I watched PG-13 movies when I was 12 without my parents. OOH! REBEL!
I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed.
I don't stalk, I observe.
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!. . . Oxygen helps too.
I'd take a bullet for you. Not in the head, like in the leg or something.
Worst. Idea. Ever. [pause] Let's do it.
People who investigate noises in horror movies deserve to die.
It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.
I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.
Frozen computer. Maybe if I click EVERYWHERE it will work again.
If good things come to those who wait, isn't procrastination a virtue?
When I was little "I will tell your mother" was the biggest comeback ever.
Anyone ever notice that studying is like putting student and dying together.
TEXTING FACEBOOK = TEXTBOOK See? I'm studying.
It takes skill to trip over a flat surface. I have that skill.
"I'm a ninja." "No you're not." "Did you see that?" "See what?" "Exactly."
"Can I go to the bathroom?" "I don't know, can you?" ". . .I will pee on your floor."
For the people who don't know me, they think I'm quiet. For the people who do know me, they wish I was.
Hi spider, nice spider, let me pet you with my shoe. . .good spider.
Move out of the way children. I've been waiting 11 years to see Toy Story 3.
Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.
Paper beats rock? Ok. I'll throw a rock at you and you defend yourself with paper.
Just say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many.
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Honorary Member of The Book of Log.
If you worship the holyness that is the log, copy and paste this section onto your profile
Position: Log Worshipper. Will soon become a Priest.
Possible Book of Log Positions:
Log Worshipper: Beginning position. No requirements
Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapters) praises the almighty log and actually fits into the story
Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... its safer that way): you have created 3 Naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the almighty log
OR the Fanfic that already occasionally praises the log has at least 400 reviews
OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfic focused on praising the log... log forbid.
Excerpt of the log number 124: when using the log to escape a fire jutsu, it is konoha custom to write an apology letter to the log, and depending on rank of jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. c-rank, two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, a-rank, one thousand. Only S-rank and higher or excused from the writing of the letter. Even then, it is still recommended.
Log excerpt number 231: if konoha shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the log and if found out that shinobi is ineligible from using the log for a period of two months.
Log excerpt number 437: Use of the log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:
For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling.
For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five
For every hole in the log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten
For every detached piece of the log caused by your replacement you shall
plant one sapling per square inch of detached log.
For a destroyed and unusable log caused by your replacement you shall plant
If your log is defective you may call 1-800-BAD-LOGS to file a complaint. If
Your case is proven correctly your next replacement will be half off.
'And the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost I weep? 'tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. The log ist thine ally, and mine kin. Calling upon the log, is to call upon me. To aid thee in battle, I weep my tear of joy.
And the ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. For thine bravery will never be forgotten.'
-book of the log, song of the willow, verses 1-4
'As the log takes your place, you become the log. The log becomes you. For a moment, you are an extension of the logs blessing unto ninja.'
-book of the log, chronicle of the replacement verse 3
'You are fools! Your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!- the ninja from the desert declared. And the people shook their heads.
You have been denied the log for a long time, Sandwalker. We cannot force you to see the glory of the log, but know this. When the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the log will hear your prayers, and aid you.'
-book of the log, redwood journals verses 15-16
'And as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the log. Blackened and charred, the log crumbled. The ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. He made his way to the log, and wept. His companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. He spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the logs forever grow. The forest of life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. I thank you my friend.'
-book of the log, honor of the forest canticle I, verses 78-82
'He despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there were no logs to be found. Reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. And he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none.
-book of the log, wanderers saga, verses 7-9
'The log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. The people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another log again. For many years, he fought without the log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. Finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a log in his place. His stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. He asked of the log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? Have you not done enough for me? And the log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. We exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. We both play a part, for which I am content.'
-book of the log, honor of the forest canticle II, verses 59-70
Let it be known that it is absolutely forbidden to willingly perform the technique known as "1000 years of death" on a log. It is also equally frowned upon for one to replace oneself with a holy log for the purpose of avoiding said technique. The punishment for such actions is at least 6 months of banishment from the use of the holy log.
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