Author has written 1 story for Naruto, and Soul Eater.
Arctic Berzerker34 A Rising star in the world of fanfics
Name : I go by many names , Boss, Chuck Norriss' son, The grim reaper, badass
Age: I have no need for age i am immortal just kidding 14
Weight: 180 lbs ( I Dropped weight like a boss)
Eye color: brown like all black people apparantly
Hobbies: Hanging with friends, Reading, Watching tv, listening to music, watching movies, playing saxaphone, thinking of story ideas, collecting swords,
Vocation: Middle going on high school student, hopes to find a comfortable and enjoyable job
fav Animes and Manga's: Naruto, DBZ, Bleach, Soul Eater, Heaven's Lost Property, Sekirei, Guilty Crown, My Brides a Mermaid, Fairy Tail,Toriko
Naru/FemKyuubi: Its just so much fun to read it always starts the same way she trains him from a young age and they fall for each other but its almost always assosiated with a harem but is so much fun the dynamic of it is always is fun but the names for a female kyuubi is always something like,Yoko, Hikari, Natsumi, or Kyuubi.
Naru/Harem: if anyone deserves a harem of girls its naruto he is just so badass that how could girls just not try to get him
THings I HATE About Naruto
1.Why the fuck after three years of training with a sannin is Naruto Just learning about elemental manipulation.
Seriously you would've thought that after three fucking years Naruto would learn more jutsus or at least how to do rasengan without a shadow clone. All he really learned was how to make a bigger rasengan and tried and failed to control the Kyuubi chakra.
2. Why the hell did Sakura learn nothing else besides medical ninjutsu,and super strength its so annoying she also trained under a sannin and even if tsunade did'nt teach her anything she could have asked Kakashi or anyone else or at least try to learn from a scroll there has to be a jutsu archive besides the forbbiden scroll of sealing.
3. Why did'nt Sarutobi do the sealing and another question on that subject if you can use shadow clones to do that techniue like sarutobi did against Orochimaru then why did'nt Minato do that. Also could'nt minato teleport the nine tales fox even farther away like when he did it the first time. Lastly how the fuck were Minato and Kushina still talking after the ninetales basically ripped them in half with his claw essentially all of their vital organs were pierced and their spine shattered.
4. Hinata, Kiba, Ino, Shino, were all completely shafted when it came to shippuden Hinata had one fight scene that she did not even last a full minute before she was fatally injured, Kiba was in one fight and inthat fight he showed no new skills at all, Shino also had one fight were nothing changed about his skills, and Ino did'nt even fight.
5. Why did no one know about the Uzumaki's if apparently they were so important that they had their symbol on the konoha head bands and on every flack jacket and jounin uniform.
6.When the fuck is naruto what time period could it be theres movies, cameras, but no tvs or cars its really annoying.
Naruto Fanfictions that i hate
1. Stories where the hokage is willing to drop everything in favor of Naruto just because of his past.
2. STories where Naruto will stop fighting just to talk about his life.
3. Stories where sakura is depicted as a whore who will do anything to save sasuke.
4.Stories where Sasuke is overly bashed I get it he is an annoying character but get real he's not that bad.
5. Stories where Kakashi or Sarutobi are bashed for no reason
6. Stories where Naruto's mom despite the fact that she was once a Jinchuriki hates him and leaves him and ends up havin children who follow their mother's example and want to murder him.
7. Stories where Sakura has parents who want to kill naruto
8. Stories when Naruto wears trench coats all the time.
9.Stories where Naruto is godlike there is absolutely no reason for him to be able to kill everyone
10.Stories where girls fall for Naruto because he has suffered
11.Stories where a bunch of over the top shit happens to Naruto such as being experimented on by Ackimichi and Nara mind raped by yamanakas raped by men and women physically crucified lynched burned alive hung poisoned.
12.Stories where the author has naruto wearing a bunch of modern shit for the love of GAWD if I ever read another story where naruto is seen wearing jeans or after a humongus body change he gets a new outfit that is way to descrptive and brand related for example He now stood a little over 5'9. He was dressed in:
Purple and UV reactive lime green cotton pants with black piping and lime green stitching throughout, a belt style waist with 2 zipper pockets on each side with overlaying fabric to hide them, a O-ring lace up center back, 2 front pockets, a couple pockets down each leg, alternating colored spikes at the bottom of each leg and a velcro and triple snap closure.
Handmade black genuine leather Ed Hardy belt decorated with a vintage classic bulldog, pewter studded design.
A black lined jacket with grey skulls and spider web throughout, overlaying black mesh on the front and down the sleeves, 2 front zipper pockets, adjustable straps around the collar, down the arms and across the chest, the bottom half of the jacket zips off and it has a zipper closure currently open showing off his ripped abs through his black long-sleeved stretchy fishnet top with a skeleton's ribs print and a copy of his seal on it.
Demonia Wicked 800 boots with a 4" heel, 5 buckles going down the boot and in between each buckle is a spike. It has spikes on the back of the heel and on the front of the boot.
13.Stories where naruto gets trained just because he suffered, or gets a harem full of women because he suffered.
Let me specify this immediately: I DO NOT hate the Sasuke Uchiha character. Actually that is false. I hate him now. I didn't when the Naruto series started. When the series started Sasuke proved worth to me as a bad-ass anti-hero. He had a cool attitude, his dialogue didn't suck, he had a hell of a backstory, he had his moments of pure win, and he was never placed as seeming more important than the main character himself. He was cool. And he remained cool right up until he defected... actually he was stillcool to me when he defected. I loved the concept, abso-fucking-lutely I did.
No, he stayed cool. He stayed cool upon his reintroduction, he stayed cool when he toasted Orochimaru's sick and dying ass and then bitched out Kabuto, he stayed cool when he got his own team (which had Suigetsu in it who is super fucking cool), he stayed cool when he beat Deidara's ass, and he stayed cool while he was fighting Itachi, and that fight was pretty much the epitome of bad-ass. And then Kishimoto took his character which had bordered on the slippery slope of emo-cutter status since his inception and pushed his ass down that cliff in a goddamn wheelbarrow. Now he's whiny, sounds like he's going to cry crocodile tears everytime he brings up Itachi or how his clan was wronged and blah, blah, blah (He's working with Madara. Wouldn't common deduction skills point towards him trying to gut Madara like a trout since he was the one that kind of started it?), and he gets a power-up every five chapters (I'm probably exaggerating but you get the point) that each seem like the equivalent of Naruto's Sage Mode which was the only power-up he received for like 50 chapters at one point. So yeah, don't blame Sasuke for being the reason you hate him, blame Kishimoto. He made the number two guy in the series, a guy who was actually really cool, a total tool.
...and the dialogue he constantly gives Naruto about Sasuke when the topic comes up is simply adding fuel to the fire for the yaoi writers which does not help his case of me hating him by any stretch of the imagination.
My Rules on Naruto Fanfiction
1. Naruto must know some kind of replication technique, preferably the tried and true Kage Bunshin technique. Why you ask? Because it wouldn't be Naruto without three dozen blonde kids running amok on a regular basis.
2. Being a smart-ass is recommended. He doesn't necessarily have to be smart, but his mouth should be. Naruto, in essence, is a hot-head with no tact that shoots his mouth off and pisses off the wrong people, invariably drawing them into his world, for better or for worse. Since the story will probably revolve around him ANYWAY, you might as well make it so that what he has to say is hella entertaining, it makes the whole experience much better.
3. He must have some kind of weakness, even in the super-fics. Who wants to see good things happen all the time? If nothing but good things go on, then the good will become watered down and not very significant at all. He needs to be able to be beaten somehow, someway there has to be something about him that enemies can take advantage of. Naruto's the underdog, that's his appeal and that is why he is beloved. Haven't you people ever seen Rudy!?
4. Pissing off your readers is a double-edged sword. If it's a damn good cliffhanger, or something that sets up an antagonist for future comeuppance then great, fire away! As long as the pay-off is well worth it then that is what the creative process is all about. However, if you just delight in butchering whatever integrity the original storyline had and the amount of flames you get is equal to 1/4 of your entire review count then there is something seriously wrong.
5. NO FREAKIN' Yuri or Yaoi!! None! Now I'm not homophobic, I'm actually very chill with gay people, one of the coolest guys I know is gay, to each their own I always say. But I will not fucking read anything that even has the possibility of dude-on-dude action, fuck that shit, I have enough nightmares. Remember: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, and just because you should do something doesn't mean you will. It also doesn't help that a large bulk of them have shit for grammar, spelling, and just being overall basically decent stories in general. The yaoi/yuri aspect in my respects can be overlooked if the story is good and it is not the central focus and entire point of the story... however that is pretty much never the case.
6. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you want reviews then fucking review on the stories of others. If you like a story, tell the writer what you like. If you don't like it, tell them what you don't like or you think could be improved. It's common courtesy damn it! A decent review takes one minute max, because you have an well thought out opinion by the time you finish reading, so share the love.
7. Grammar and punctuation are actually very fucking important. If I read a story that I could've written better in the third grade then that is a problem. It really takes away from the story, it truly does. You can have a kick-ass premise and a great plot all set out, if you type a like second grade remedial english student then I won't read it damn it. Come on! You go through thirteen years of public school and learn how to write properly for a reason, because shitty writing pisses people off! No text writing either. Slang is okay, as long it is coherent and most know what the fuck you just wrote then by all means go forth. Even good grammar and spelling in your story summary can be the difference between hits and reviews, trust me.
8. Bashing is okay... to an extent. If the entire point of your story is to just shit all over certain characters and make another look like God's gift to the world then you can do that, but you won't be getting many thumbs up for your masterful storytelling. Be justifiable and flexible on your bashing, because just like in real life, things can change easily.
9. Listen to the people. Yes, it is your story, that's cool. And in the end whatever happens is up to you. I'm not saying let them plan out the plot or anything, although if you're lazy then go for it. I'm saying that if enough people say something, like a certain thing sucks, or they talk about something that you didn't or can't explain, address it and/or try to fix it. If you are anything like me then reader response is like crack, showing you don't care is basically saying 'fuck this story' and that will not end well.
10. OC's are not God! OC's cannot do everything! They can fix stuff, yes! They can train people up, yes! They can be potential pairings, again, yes! But OC's cannot fix everything. If the fucking Hokage can't make Naruto's life much better then how can some random guy from Jack-fuckistan come in one day and fix everything? He can improve on things, like Naruto's skill level, and his relationships with people, even his intelligence and standard of living, but a full-on upswing is IMPOSSIBLE for one person... That was more of a rant than anything...
11. Have extensive knowledge about the subject you are writing on. It really helps the quality of your work if you know what the hell you're writing about in the first place. For example, don't attempt crossovers if you don't have equal knowledge of all elements being used for the story. Either know what's going on, or have one hell of a reference tool at your disposal... as a matter of fact, you should have that at hand regardless because people tend to forget/overlook shit.
This can and probably will be manipulated over time being that I own this shit, however if anyone agrees with these than feel free to use it. Give me credit, and have at it I guess.
Quotes of Greatness
"That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer!" Calculon - Futurama
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill
"Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." Unknown
“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: ‘Cover for me.’ Number 2: ‘Oh, good idea, Boss!’ Number 3: ‘It was like that when I got here.’” Homer Simpson - The Simpsons
“Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?" Sideshow Bob - The Simpsons
"Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Carl Zwanzig
"The object of war is not to die for your country, it's to make the other bastard die for his." General George S. Patton
“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers” Randal Graves - Clerks
"Guns don't kill people... but they sure help."
“There’s only two men I trust. One of ‘em’s me, the other one’s not you” Cameron Poe - Con Air
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." George W. Bush
"Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?" Jay - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
"That's what the Internet is for! Slandering others anonymously."
"Fighting fair is for people that don't know how to avoid losing correctly."
"I don't drink from the fountain of wisdom, I gargle."
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
"I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm." - George Carlin
"A fighter with lesser skill can knock out a man in one punch, but a regular person can make a skilled fighter cry like a girl with a single bullet."
"No technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head! It lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to you until you finish, which you then indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!" Gin Rummy - The Boondocks (And my thoughts on that stupid fucking bluetooth kick that 85% of this country was on a few years ago)
"If at first you don't succeed, deny that you were really trying in the first place."
"If you get glitter on you prepare to have it on you forever, because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." Dimitri Martin
"Keep your expectations low. If you expect a kick in the balls, but get a slap in the face, then it's a victory."
"I've got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees."
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."
"You never want to be in a fair fight if an unfair fight is an option." Forrest Griffin - Be Ready When The Sh*t Goes Down (A Survival Guide To The Apocalypse)
"Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years."
"Right leg: hospital, left leg: cemetery." Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic (For those that do not understand you need to go to Youtube)
"The thing you should be thinking about isn't whether or not I can actually kill you with the nail clippers, it should be the fact that whether I can or not isirrelevant. No matter if I can or not, you know full well that I'm going to try, and that more than anything else should scare the hell out of you for more than one reason and answer your question right there." Me - Taken verbatim from my younger brother questioning my sanity after pissing me off in my bedroom post-shower and I took to threatening him with aforementioned grooming device.
"And that's the moral of the story. Some niggas need to go jail! I may be in hell, but at least I ain't in jail, nigga! (laughs maniacally)" Colonel H. Stinkmeaner - The Boondocks
"We are not retreating -- We are advancing in another direction." General Douglas MacArthur
"Bullets... my only weakness. How did you know?" Officer Palumbo - Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
"Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
"There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."
"I don't understand a word you're going on about, but I know exactly what you're saying and I refuse to apologize."
"Nope, no matter how bad things seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit yer bitching."
"I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing, it's the same color as last place... It's purple."
"Women are like Voltron, the more you hook up the better it gets."
"There's no 'I' in team." "Oh yeah! Well there's no "you" in "team" either! So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!"
Caboose: "Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?"
Church: "You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douchebag."
Caboose: "...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade."
Church: "Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade." - Red vs. Blue
"Hey, this is Carl, and yeah, I'm plenty pissed...at God for forsaking Kurt Warner in my time of need when he was a New York football Giant. And now He's working in completely mysterious and retarded ways by letting the Cardinals play in the Super Bowl. Listen, the state of Arizona is only good for one thing: testing A-bombs so the people from the good states don't get hurt. Pittsburgh's gonna be up by 24 before O-Town can say "My country, 'tis of thee," but I'm gonna give all you party bookies some Super Dull XLIII over/unders to keep your guests from killing themselves before halftime:
Chuck Norris Facts Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
When Ranma Saotome killed the Phoenix God King Saffron, Chuck Norris, being a half a world away, looked up in pride, smiled and said “that’s my boy!”
Chuck Norris has a Chance in Hell.
Originally the Joker was Chuck’s arch-foe, but one roundhouse kick later, his skin turned white, his hair green and he headed for Gotham.
You really want to know how Joker got those scars? Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face.
The reason why Outworld hadn’t went for their tenth win against Earth realm is because Raiden threatened to get Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can defeat Darkside’s optic blasts with a roundhouse kick. (There os a pic of this on Deviantart.com)
Chuck got Sparda, Dante’s father, out of hell.
Master Chief is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was sent ten thousand years to the past, met and married a goddess who in turn gave him a daughter. We know the child as: Sailor Moon.
Chuck doesn’t wash his dishes, they get clean out of fear.
Step One: Naruto is being chased by an angry mob even though he's only three years old (barly old enough to wipe his own ass) and living alone for some reason.
Step Two: He trips and/or reaches a dead end (oh noooo's) and they procede to inflict grevous, crippling, and all around over exaggerated unsurvivable wounds.
Step Three: After ten minutes of stabbing and beating (Which miraculously avoided his vitals) someone comes in to inflict the the final blows at the crowds jeering.
Step Four: In a 'thrilling' and 'suspenseful' moment a giant war-hammer is swung down on Naruto, only to be stopped an inch from his head by token superhero #25.
Step Five: Token superhero #25 yells at crowd. "WHAT ARE DO DOING TO TO THIS POOR BOY?!," crowd replies. "KILLING THE DEMON!" or the like. Slaughter ensues.
Step Six: Sarutobi and an Anbu squad show up. (perfect timing) Hokage confronts token superhero #25. "WHO ARE YOU?!" hero responds. "I'm super awesome-man! (Relation to Naruto's parents optional) Now why are your villagers attacking this poor boy?"
Step Seven: The Hokage proceeds to break his own law and tells to complete strangers Narutos life story, much to their outrage.
Step Eight: Token superhero #25 says he's taking the boy away to train him. Sarutobi agrees immendiatly without arguement, but pleads for them to return for the Genins exams. #25 agrees. (The fact that he agreed to bring the kid back to a place that delivered a massive beating to a three year old didn't seem to bother him.)
Step Nine: Naruto wakes up after the ten minute conversation completely healed, energetic, and with enough brain damage to forgive the entire ordeal. (Apparently he's Jesus, filled with infinate forgiveness for the unforgivable)
Step Ten: They fill Naruto in on the details and he begs to be able to come back to be Hokage. (a three year old can comprehend that...how?) and the duo is off.
Step Eleven: Time skip. Naruto returns, covered in trench coats and pictures of foxes. (throwing all stigmas to the wind).
Step Twelve: Meets Hokage and dishes out all his skills in painful detail. (Throwing all ninja sense to the wind.) Assigned to go to the academy, which happens to be having its exam that day.
Step Thirteen: Shows off dramarically for the test and remainder of story, powning everyone but Orochimaru in the Forest of death.
Step Foreteen: Falls in love with Hinata?!
Props to Silent Master for his well thought out and reasoned rant (claps)
For Naruto pairings I like a little bit of everything. I suppose it revolves around the whole 'Ninja are adults' thing; I don't feel like a cradle-robber reading a Naruto and Anko story. I'm not that big a fan though, seeing as the age differences in some of these stories are pretty severe, but it isn't as bad in some as it is in others. Favorite pairings would have to be Naruto and Hinata (she is just too adorable for her own good). I could see Naruto with any girl around his age though, I mean, how can you not like Naruto? My favorite kunoichi in the story though is probably Temari in looks, ability and background (personality, family, etc.); there really isn't any note-worthy Naruto and Temari stories besides 'Lost Soul' though, and I'm not that big a fan of it; the same could be said for Naruto and Sakura (which I'm a fan of), not that big a fan of the story 'Mizukage' either.
Onto a favorite topic of mine...
Bashing people is just way too simple and idiotic. For instance, when reading a story and Harry enters the Great Hall to be sorted, you pretty much know how the story is going to go when it somehow just skips to Dumbledore's POV and this happens, "What is this? Harry is supposed to be in Gryffindor and marry Ginny Weasley - not Hufflepuff! It seems I must message Molly and have her slip young Harry a love potion..." or, a little later in the story, 'Dumbledore attempts mind probe on Harry,' "Merlins harry balls! He is a prodigy in the art of Occlumency! Severus, be a champ and test Harry's shields for us, will you? A god-like amount of mental fortitude you say, hmm? Perhaps I must have a talk with Mr. Potter and keep him from turning Dark on us..." heres another I really like, "Here you go, Harry, just force a little but of chakr- I mean magic into this slip of parchment, will you? OMG! Charms Prodigy, Elemental God, Transfiguration Master, Multiple and Magical Animagus! Whats this, Prince of the Dark Arts!? (Dumebledore gasps loudly and nearly faints!) Heir to the four founders, Merlin and Harry Houdini! Now, Harry, with great power comes great responsibility (eyes twinkle)..."
Thats just a little warm up. Hows about this. (This part is Naruto so if you don't know the stereotypical Naruto scenes I suggest you leave now)
Kakashi: "Naruto, I'm sorry but I have to train the last loyal Uchiha while he's still loyal. I'm really sorry..." said Kakashi before pulling out his orange book and looking to the sky, Obito, Rin, sensei...
Kakashi you bastard, you'd better train my son before I come down there and tear your other eye out!
Kakashi you arrogant prick, I swear if you train that psychotic relative of mine over sensei's son I'll haunt you when you finally make it up here and I won't show up late!
What the hell am I doing here! Am I dead, already? I was just getting out of the tub when I opened the storage scroll containing towels. Wait, why did it look like a cordless hair-dyer... Damn it!
Naruto begins walking away, vowing to get stronger on his own and never forgive Team 7 and Kakashi before getting hit in the head with a forbidden scroll holding the keys to immortaility (not that he needed it. He has the fox inside of him who he's known since he was four after he was beaten by an angry mob, having just been thrown out of the orphanage not minutes before; she also happens to be a smokin' hot redhead with fox ears, a tail and is part of his harem. So what if hes twelve and she's an immortal fox?) Naruto vows to become stronger, adding many other babes to his harem (Kurenai joins because he isn't a pervert and has just saved her from being raped by Asuma, Anko because he understands her like nobody else and mastered sealing just to get rid of the Curse seal for her, Yugito becuase she too is a jinchuuriki and the Nibi tells her he is her soulmate, Mei because he helps with the civil war in Kiri and Temari cause he saved her beloved little brother she had shunned away for years) he also gets two cool Zanpakutous that he can easily dual-wield like nothing (he also learns many other Shinigami techniques from the Shinigami herself, yeah, she's smokin hot and decides to join the harem as well because she can't believe someone can still be so good after having such a rough life; they fuck the first time they meet since she cries into his chest and proclaims her undying love for him, having watched his entire life play out before her eyes; she also happens to be a virgin; also, if you were wondering, evey other girl in the harem is also a virgin who happened to be saving herself for the perfect pubescent teenager. Who cares if Mei is like thirty? Shes a virgin and thats that.)
Sasuke and Sakura are obviously jealous of Naruto's power (Sasuke and several of the older council members; Danzou, Koharu, Homura and Sakura's mom for instince along with every other member of the civillian council) demand that Naruto hand over his swords, every jutsu scroll he now magically has and every women in his harem bend over for Sasuke and produce little Uchihas (even though they were trying to eliminate the Uchiha about... fifiteen minutes ago) - Sakura agrees with Sasuke-kun, of course even though she won't be part of the harem as she is much too weak for an Uchiha; Sasuke smirks and says he an Uchiha who deserves it all. Naruto obviously decides to be the dickhead he was in canon (he was a dick in canon, right? ... Right?) and totally deny them anything. (His love for Sakura was just a lie, as was the mask of idiocy he wore and the feelings of brotherhood he felt towards Sasuke. Couldn't you tell? He and Iruka were such great friends he decided to fail the academy several times...) Naruto kills every council that tries to opress him then proclaims himself Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze and moves into the Namikaze estate with his women.
Jiraiya and Tsunade get married, too, but only after Naruto has a few words with them and gets Tsunade to open her heart up again for the pervert (she origionally wanted to be a part of the harem but Naruto saw her as his mother even though she saw him as a lover).
I had way too much fun writing that... I think I'll add a little to it...
Hinata is obviously crushed that Naruto has a thing for older women (mainly, her sensei and possibly mother in other variations of the story) and finds comfort in the arms of Kiba who has loved her for many years (Kiba is pissed at Naruto cause both his sister and mom want to join the harem; they're inner animals are calling out for Naruto, obviously).
Shino gives his congratulations and is named godfather of the future child.
Naruto passes the chuunin exams with flying colors, crushing everyone in his way and saving his many women from being kidnapped (who cares if shes the shinigami, shes obviously a woman and in need of saving by the great Naruto) by Akatsuki and the revived Danzou who plans on breeding them and then turing their children into soliders for ROOT. Naruto defeats them all and tried to push them all away from him in fear of them getting hurt; suffice to say it lasts about five minutes. They all cry, have a big orgy then decide to stay together.
Naruto obviously doesn't go on the training trip with Jiraiya and Sasuke is unable to escape due to Naruto's power; instead Sasuke broods in Konoha, never managing to touch Naruto's skill level no matter how hard he tries.
Itachi is somehow pardoned (Naruto's overwhelming power, sudden knowings of everything in Konoha - he obviously knows the truth of the massacre thanks to the Kyuubi or shadow clones he had strategically placed around Konoha - and heritage somehow gets Itachi a spot back in Konoha without any questions asked. Sasuke is obviously pissed and Itachi - to fit the peramiters of the story - is a total dick (forget the fact that he died for Sasuke, or actually let Sasuke kill him, however you want put it) he is obviously unforgiving now and is a total dick to Sasuke (cause Sasuke is a dick in this story and can only make himself look like an asshole, its just how it works, sorry).
The time-skip passes and Naruto is pretty much the same in level of power (technically he was God-like before the skip but now he is just a God, but it doesn't really matter cause he can't lose a fight even with his hands tied behind his back as he can easily channel wind chakra through his big toe now).
Gaara is kidnapped but Naruto and his women are able to save him along with killing Deidra and Sasori before they can get the Shukaku from him; Naruto then fixes his seals in record time (he's just that good).
Orochimaru is the next to go along with Kabuto who was no match for a fully transformed Kyuubi (fuck four tails! He's making the Kyuubi bend over inside of his mindscape - it happens to be a mansion now, no longer a sewer - so she obviously allowed him all of her power if he banged her with his 12 inch dick, yeah, hes that big).
With Itachi's help Naruto and the gang are able to soundly defeat the rest of Akatsuki (Pain was a piece of cake; no Hinata dying this time, hes just that good. Madara? You kidding me, he ripped both his eyes out before making Sasuke eat them. Konan obviously joins the harem when Naruto noticed how sexy she was. He was banging her while she was still wearing an Akatsuki cloak; completely ignore the fact she was trying to rip the soul of his one trule love out of him, she was only doing it under Nagato's orders, obviously. Zetsu never stood a chance, obviously. Kisame tried his best but he was ultimately bested by the much younger but also much stronger Naruto in a battle of kenjutsu. Naruto then claimed Samehada as his own - it had been calling out to him, obviously - now having four awesome swords (somewhere during the time-skip he decided to honor Zabuza by picking up his sword). Hidan and Kakuzu are easily taken care of; Kakuzu gets a Cero to the face - somehow Naruto developed an inner hollow that was a babe with white hair and pointy teeth and big boobs - and Hidan is chopped up into little pieces. The scene is downplayed though after Asuma is killed cause as it turns out he was just a chain-smoking rapist, obviously. Am I missing anyone...? Nope. Thats all of them. Yeah, Naruto is badass.
In the final chapter Sasuke and Sakura stubbornly challenge Naruto. Sakura is easily dispatched and shamed - Naruto strips her of her shinobi status even though he can't technically do that - but Sasuke is killed. Itachi easily forgives Naruto for killing the brother he origionally couldn't bare to lose even though he killed his mother, father, friends and lover,yeah, Itachi turned into a real cold-hearted bastard in those years spent with Akatsuki to everyone but Naruto and his women.
The epilogue shows Naruto being named the Rokudaime with all his babes lined up. They have a shitload of kids and repopulate the Namikaze and Uzumaki clans.
Did I mention that this story is canon and all of this would have happened had Naruto not been trained by Ebisu? Don't ask me, I'm just a messenger of greatness.
I bet If I put this into words and posted it I'd have over 1k reviews before Naruto even mastered the Rasengan (and that is saying something as it only took him 15 minutes in this story to master it; he obviously knew the truth about shadow clones the whole time. Also, if you look closely Naruto actually uses the Rasen-shuriken on Kabuto but alas, he survives due to his snake-like abilites).
Those are the actual Vegas over/unders through a true insider! Now go make some money, dummy, 'cause I'm pissed." Carl - Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"Yep, hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your enemies. Killing a man with your bare hands says 'We're all equals as men except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and your dead.' Of course dropping a nuke on them from 50 thousand feet is totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there just not enough time in this world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling."
"Shotgun to the face is a great contingency plan! Wanna see how it cures insubordination?" Sarge - Red vs. Blue
"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war." - Napoleon Bonaparte
"Do you know why Americans love guns? And it's got nothing to do with all that phallic mumbo-jumbo, "cocking your gun." No, Hertz, people love guns because America is a land of opportunity where a poor man can become rich and a pussy can become a tough guy if he's got a gun in his hand." Mr. Hammerson - Shoot 'Em Up
"You know what I really hate? What I really hate, is a pussy with a gun in his hand." Mr. Smith - Shoot 'Em Up
"Fruit don't talk... Fruit just listens... and waits." Earlie Cuyler - Squidbillies
"Okay I'm going to be completely serious with you... There's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that."
"Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid."
"You should never avert your eyes from death, never look away from the lives you have taken. And you should never forget the people that you have killed, because I can assure you they will never forget you." Solf J. Kimblee - Fullmetal Alchemist
"Bed is for sissies, unless you're having sex in which case... yeah, bed is still for sissies." Gregory House - House
"I've run over black cats that were luckier than me."
"Thank God I wore underwear today." Derek Zoolander - Zoolander
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide... your absence." Me
"I'm so miserable without you it's like you're right there with me." Me
"I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there." Charlie Sheen
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Charlie Sheen
"A.A. was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis-DNA." Charlie Sheen
"Dying is for fools... amateurs." Charlie Sheen
"C.B.S. picked a fight with a warlock." Charlie Sheen
"If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like, 'Dude! I can't handle it, unplug this bastard!' It fires in a way that's maybe not from this, uh... this terrestrial realm." Charlie Sheen
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars." Charlie Sheen... and now me.
"If it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right... just like sex." Me
"Experience isn't something you get until right after you need it."
"I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money."
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
"I'm a peaceful man with bad intentions."
"There's a new sheriff in town... and he has an army of assassins."
"I just had a brainstorm." "I wasn't aware storms could exist in a vacuum."
"I wake up in the morning and piss excellence."
Fit Tony: "That's why I keep my friends close-."
Homer Simpson: "-And your enemies closer?"
Fit Tony: "No. Why would I do that? If they were close they would kill me."
"Just because you sold seven million albums doesn’t mean you’re talented. It just means that there are seven million people that are stupid as hell." Phil 'CM Punk' Brooks
"Do you know what it's like going through life being better than everybody? It's hard."
"If it doesn't kill you, use it and kill somebody else..."
"I want a shirt that just says "f* you" on it, and I want to wear it while walking through airports all day. There's no such thing as a bad word, just bad intentions."
"I've been imitated so well I've heard people copy my mistakes." Jimi Hendrix
"If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything; it is that you can kill anyone." Michael Corleone - The Godfather: Part II
"You cannot achieve success, without the risk of failure. And I learned a long time ago, you cannot achieve success, if you fear failure. If you're not afraid to fail, man, you have a chance to succeed. But you're never gonna get there unless you risk it all the way. I was a failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous." Paul Heyma
"That man [Batman] won't quit so long as he can draw breath. None of my teammates will. Me? I've got a different problem. [Punches Darkseid through the wall] I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard. Always taking care not to break something, to break someone. Never allowing myself to lose control, even for a moment, or someone could die. [Punches Darkseid again] But you can take it, can't you, big man? What we have here is a rare opportunity for me to cut loose, and show you just how powerful I really am." Superman just before uncorking an assbeating of a lifetime on Darkseid, reaffirming that he is indeed a bad mother f'er - Justice League Unlimited
"Show me a man with a combover and I'll show you a man that believes that by crushing a bag of chips... you make more chips." Sheng Wang
"My plans always work! ...Sometimes!"
"Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said... 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'" Ricky Bobby - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
"If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die very quickly and very suddenly under a bus or on the side of the road." Charlie - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
"I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal." Peter La Fleur - Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
"Saying you're a history major out loud is basically just the same thing as telling your friends, 'Yes, I do remember every dumbass thing you've ever done in front of me, and I can bring it up accurately whenever I want, so don't start.' I love it, but there's not a whole lot of good job options available for it. What the hell am I going to do, teach? I'm way too hateful to teach kids." Kenchi618 - Me at Buffalo Wild Wings after being asked by friends why I try to major in communications instead of the other thing that I'm good at
"Live every week like it's Shark Week." Tracy Jordan - 30 Rock
"I am finished doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, 'something that kills people.' And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut." Hattori Hanzo - Kill Bill Vol.1
("Money doesn't buy happiness.") Rebuttal: "...Have you ever tried not having money before?"
"You know who's going to inherit the earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war, especially with yourself." Yuri Orlov - Lord or War
"Ambition is the willingness to kill the thing you love and eat them to stay alive." Jack Donaghy - 30 Rock
1. No wasted beer in the name of humour.
2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control
3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.
4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)
5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.
6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.
8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.
9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.
10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.
11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.
12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.
13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.
14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favour will one day be replayed.
15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.
Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.
16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.
17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
18. You poke it you own it.
19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.
20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.
21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.
22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).
23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.
24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.
26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.
27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.
28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"
29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.
30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man’s attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch.
31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it.
33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.
34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.
35. Women can't drive.
36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.
37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.
38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support
39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.
40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.
41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.
42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.
43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.
44. Sex is more important then talking
45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.
46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.
47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat
48. Men will invite other men to Man Law
49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."
50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.
51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.
52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.
53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.
54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.
55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.
56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbour’s lawn.
57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.
58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.
59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).
60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.
61. A man purse is still a purse.
62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.
63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.
64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.
65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)
66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.
67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.
68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.
69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.
70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.
71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.
72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.
73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.
74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.
75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.
76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.
77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.
78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.
79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.
80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.
81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.
82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.
83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavoured that comes in a bottle.
84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.
85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read).
86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.
87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-toeye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.
88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.
89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.
90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.
91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO.
92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.
93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.
94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)
104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.
106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it’s broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.
112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status.
Honorary Member of The Book of Log.
If you worship the holyness that is the log, copy and paste this section onto your profile... although you may want to change the comments
Position: Log Pope
Possible Book of Log Positons:
Log Worshipper: Beginning position. No requirements
Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapers) praises the almighty log and actually fits into the story
Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... its safer that way): you have created 3 naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the almighty log
OR the Fanfic that already occasionally praises the log has at least 400 reviews
OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfic focused on praising the log... log forbid.
Excerpt of the log number 124: when using the log to escape a fire jutsu, it is konoha custom to write an apology letter to the log, and depending on rank of jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. c-rank, two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, a-rank, one thousand. only S-rank and higher or excused from the writing of the letter. even then, it is still reccommended.
Log excerpt number 231: if konoha shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the log and if found out that shinobi is uneligible from using the log for a period of two months.
Log excerpt number 437: Use of the log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:
For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling.
For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five saplings.
For every hole in the log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten saplings.
For every detached piece of the log caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling per square inch of detached log.
For a destroyed and unusable log caused by your replacement you shall plant twenty-five saplings.
If your log is defective you may call 1-800-BAD-LOGS to file a complaint. If your case is proven correctly your next replacement will be half off.
'and the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost i weep? 'tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. the log ist thine ally, and mine kin. calling upon the log, is to call upon me. to aid thee in battle, i weep my tear of joy. and the ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. for thine bravery will never be forgotten.' -book of the log, song of the willow, verses 1-4
'as the log takes your place, you become the log. the log becomes you. for a moment, you are an extension of the logs blessing unto ninja.' -book of the log, chronicle of the replacement verse 3
'you are fools! your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!- the ninja from the desert declared. and the people shook their heads. you have been denied the log for a long time, sandwalker. we cannot force you to see the glory of the log, but know this. when the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the log will hear your prayers, and aid you.' -book of the log, redwood journals verses 15-16
'and as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the log. blackened and charred, the log crumbled. the ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. he made his way to the log, and wept. his companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. he spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the logs forever grow. the forest of life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. i thank you my friend.' -book of the log, honor of the forest canticle I, verses 78-82
'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none. -book of the log, wanderers saga, verses 7-9
'the log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. the people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another log again. for many years, he fought without the log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a log in his place. his stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. he asked of the log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? have you not done enough for me? and the log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. we exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. we both play a part, for which i am content.' -book of the log, honor of the forest canticle II, verses 59-70
Let it be known that it is absolutely forbidden to willingly perform the technique known as "1000 years of death" on a log. It is also equally frowned upon for one to replace oneself with a holy log for the purpose of avoiding said technique. The punishment for such actions is at least 6 months of banishment from the use of the holy log.
100 Rules of Anime
The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good chuckle.
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4. * Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. *NOTE: Sometimes, Anime heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a "Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything. First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first. Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.
#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass. First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon.
#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the "Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss. First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage. Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds, the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape. Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers. *Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he will hit.
#17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs to get out more.)
#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. *Also, acid has been known to work just as well...
#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song. First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses.
#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...
#22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost twice as annoying.
#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy". First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect) Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors. *Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome "Good Guys".
#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: 1) be female. 2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation. 3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used as a last resort.
#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologicallyappropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them. First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow. Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage. *Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows, or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)
#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.
#36- Law of QuintupularAgglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are: 1) The Hero/Leader 2) His Girlfriend 3) His Best Friend/Rival 4) A Hulking Brute 5) A Dwarf/Kid Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include: 1) Extreme Coolness 2) Amazing Intelligence 3) Incredible Irritation
#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious dimension is commonly called "Malletspace". First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get and vice-versa. First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...
#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.
#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).
#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect"). First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff Sniff
#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.
#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave Phenomenon")
52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons for this are: 1) They forgot that the person is telepathic. 2) They just don’t give a damn. The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are: 1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else. 2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic. 3) They just don’t give a damn.
#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits. First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.
#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late. First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy". Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring: a) The control device being broken. The control device being taken by the "Good Guy". c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy". d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.
#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes: a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look. A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.
#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods)
#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto [OVA] have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn’t get a date despite [or because of] their constant attempts.)
#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few... of even the one.
#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. *(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. *(see law #49)
#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation- First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping". Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will *always* be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis. First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver. Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.
#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.
#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. *(see Laws # 37, 49, and 65)
#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either: a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws [e.g., slowdown and exposition]), Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.
#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the elements, etc. *(see Laws 32 & 48)
#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it.
#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life...
#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.
#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz.
#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime is to start having sex.
#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible. First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toastied.
#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could accomplish... but his old teacher did!
#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see Laws #67, 69, and 84)
#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack. Usually this results in: a) The hero escaping. Clean-up for the underlings. c) The villain getting toastied.
#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water, rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.
#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...
#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following characteristics: 1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples. 2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.
#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up... completely... despite the fact that they might havea tight and/or sensitive vagina.
#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves.
#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death! First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following him around is there because: 1) It’s his girlfriend’s. 2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so. 3) Chicks will dig him more. Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because: 1) It’s her boyfriend’s. 2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so. 3) It makes her look cool.
#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...") First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle... Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect). Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.
#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur. First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko Thing")
#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)
#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crew members: 1) The captain 2) His Lieutenant 3) Various female technical staff 4) A hotshot pilot 5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not) 6) The Doctor 7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not) Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include: 1) Extreme coolness/luck 2) Amazing Intelligence 3) Incredible irritation 4) Extreme cuteness 5) Irresponsible drunkenness 6) Homophobicness 7) Emotionless (Idiots.)
#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...
#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.
Created by Insane Advocate and his two friends. Aswell as various internet sources
Naruto X Fairy Tail:
Naruto X Erza - There is a theory that most guys will often go after someone who in some way reminds them of their mother. Erza is strong, slightly violent, and a red head. 'Nuff said.
Naruto X Mira - I think they can understand each other. Naruto is hated because he is a Jinchuuriki and Mira because of her Satan Soul.
Naruto X Lucy - No real reason, other then Lucy is hot.
Naruto X Cana - Same reason as Lucy.
Naruto X Ultear - I think if anyone can make Ultear happy it's Naruto, who is well known for turning enemies into friends.
Naruto X Fairy Tail Harem - I won't even bother stating my reasons for this.
Naruto X Sekirei:
Naruto X Musubi
Naruto X Matsu
Naruto X Tsukuimi
Naruto X Miya
Naruto X Kazehana
Naruto X Akitsu
Naruto X Sekirei Harem
What female soul looks like in squad seven meisters before the chunin exams( She's the one in the middle obviously)
What the Naruto Sasuke and Sakura look at the chuunin exams (just change naruto's pants to black, his shoes black and sakura's skirt blue and her coat white.)
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