Hello everyone,

It has been a long time, hasn’t it? For all of those who remained devoted fans of LAD, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For putting up with all the delays, the random disappearances, the at times unpredictable update schedule. Honestly, this story is more owned by the fans than me in many ways now. It is your love of the unfolding romance between a stoic Taiyoukia from the past, and an empathetic miko from the future which has kept it alive for literal decades. Not because I ever abandoned it, though it may have felt like that for the readers.

Because of this stalwart consistency, even to those who are new to LAD and the world I have built around the main characters, I am going to give you an explanation. Overdue, perhaps, and for that I apologize. Yet, maybe when I tell you why you will be kind enough to understand.

Life has been a series of ups and downs. Not that this is singular or makes me ‘special’ in any way. Not at all. We all have our own troubles and tragedies to combat. Our sorrows and sadness to attempt and go through. And for you who are reading this that are going through your own, my heart goes out to you. It truly does. Because I understand. I understand.

When I began updating LAD the last time, before this last break when COVID hit, I was with a man for 10 years and became affianced. A decade of what I thought was the type of relationship I wanted with a person who I could fall in love with and be together for the rest of our lives. I was wrong.

The ring felt, towards the end, like a heavy weight, a shackle almost, and each time I gazed down at it and thought of the future I felt panic. Not happiness. But, because it was my ‘normal’, I didn’t understand at the time what it meant. It took finding a support group outside the situation who helped me analyze everything to realize this was a very toxic unhealthy and abusive relationship. One that my inner self recognized as something to avoid and not seek.

While I cannot speak for others, I will say for myself, I am an emotive writer. I live and breathe through emotions all the time and always have. It is just who and what I am. If the emotions are not there, then my ‘muse’ dies as a result. And I admit I refuse to try and write when this happens because the skill is not up to par. It isn’t right or fair to all of you who expect my best for a story that is loved by so many. Enjoyed and reread so many times. This, coupled with the fact that anytime I did get lost in my writing I had to battle the man I was with to do so, to explain this was a passion not a hobby to just put down, well……let’s just say if you check back on timelines of updates and the scope of my relationship it will track. The battles I fought to keep creating were brutal at times, though a physical mark would never be shown. And each time, it became harder and harder to connect with the emotions I needed in order to write Sesshoumaru and Kagome’s relationship properly. To portray them in the way I have done so far and continue to do so as they grow and evolve with one another.

However, I do not wish this to seem like I am ‘trauma dumping’ or whatnot on anyone, so I will end it with saying I finally gave him his ring back. And have felt liberated ever since. The issue then became to heal. To work at undoing a full decade of what had been wrought. I did not write Sesshoumaru going off experience in my life. If I had, the exact opposite behavior he portrays would have been accurate. I created his personality, I now realize, in what I was subconsciously thinking a healthy partner should and could be. Silly, right?

Since the break a few years ago, right nearly around the month or so after my last update, there were many deaths in the family, serious illnesses, and the break-up with my fiancé. During all this time, the silence that is very inexcusable and I take full responsibility for, I have been working tirelessly with my therapist on regaining all of myself I had lost. Much of it without realizing it was happening. No one walks into an abusive relationship knowing what it is. Or remains there because it is easy or because they understand what is happening.

When abuse is not a slap or physical, it is mental and emotional, it encloses you within a trap without you seeing it for what it is. Especially if it is what you are used to already, while believing that it is something else entirely. To anyone reading this who has been hurt, is being hurt, I will tell you, change is possible for yourself. You can, and at some point, will be able to break free and move forward. It will be scary, hard, one of the most difficult things you have ever done. You will mourn the loss of yourself once you understand what is happening. The death of realizing you will never be who you were before them. The rage that will come from finally knowing you are worth something and that does not need to be proven to be considered lovable or useful. YOU are enough and NO ONE has a right or entitlement to abuse you. It will get better, but it will be a hard road to travel at times. And you will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean you will not be different in a positive way.

Now! Enough about that! The real question I am sure you all are asking. No, I do not plan on leaving LAD unfinished. Yes, I know I have said this before. All I can do is but bare pieces of my personal life to account for the lack of updates. For not writing to you all sooner when above all people, you truly were owed an explanation. I cannot apologize enough. And I take full responsibility for the rudeness of it all.

I can but tell you why it happened and but hope it is enough. If it is not, well, I understand that too and can accept the potential censure or upset from my actions.

LAD WILL be finished. I have not written nor read anything for these last few years. My voice felt silenced and taken from me. I had to find it again. Receiving the emails from those of you who sent them, know I did read them. More than a few causing me to blink back tears of emotion from the display of kindness and compassion given to me for something I have always felt was close to my own heart.

As of two days ago, I began rereading LAD again. It is a monster of a novel; I will admit it. Thus, it takes me a while to get through it all. To make sure my notes are in order so nothing is forgotten, things are not missed, continuity can remain solid. You deserve the best work for this, and I will not post anything until it is what I consider to be the usual standard of work. Anything less would be insulting to you, and I would never do such a thing on purpose.

I have nearly everything finished. Then will come the time that I can sit down and attempt to create again. To bring a closure of sorts to a story that so many of you became lost in, that matters to you, and yes has even been generational. In order to do this, I may at first write a few small pieces and post them, short stories that may be connected but separate with the universe. This is not because I am starting something new, but more so I can retrain a muscle in a way. Brush free the rust of a tool which hasn’t been used in many years.

I beg your indulgence if that is the case and dare to even ask for further patience. My healing process has taken me so very very long, and I am still going through it. Except now, now I would try to take back my literary voice and let Sesshoumaru, Kagome, the arctic kitsune, and even the others do so as well.

If anyone wishes to get a hold of me, please feel free to send me a message, whether it be for a question or to simply have your thoughts about anything heard. I will read them all, as I have always done, and do my best to answer whatever I can.

It would be normal that even my author’s note is ridiculously long, wouldn’t it? Apparently, I am wordy whether it is for a chapter that is 39 pages or even something like this. Again, thank you for your patience, your kindness, your compassion and understanding. Thank you for staying with this story and never giving up on it or me. Thank you for giving it a chance and reading it to hopefully find a few hours of enjoyment to pass the time. It has meant the world to me and honestly helped me through many dark times in my life to hear from you, the fans. More than you will ever know.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

With Sincerity and Love,
Nostawen