Author has written 6 stories for Twilight, Harry Potter, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.
Hello, I'm kat callan (all lower case by the way), and I really have nothing to say...
Self-injury websites and Suicide Hotline: Please this isn't a joke if you need help, ask someone anyone, a close friend, family member, coworker, school counselor, or teacher.
USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
For issues involving Rape, Abuse, Incest, or Neglect contact RAINN at www.RAINN.org
or call 1-800-656-HOPE (all calls are anonymous and confidential) for more information and assistance on how to help yourself or a friend or family member. It should be noted that the call will not show up on a home phone bill because it is a free 800 number however, calling from a cell phone the number will appear on the bill should someone look at it. If this is a concern because your calls are monitored please use a landline or even a friend or family members cell phone, this call would also count against minutes on the cellular level based on your plan. There is also an online hotline you can access through the above website.
If you have been diagnosed
I have been diagnosed
H o l l i s t e r ?
"My karma ran over my dogma!" (I just got this!!(1/2/13))
I’ve got a problem for your solution.
I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards. :)
You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.
If you’re not living life on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’d rather be pissed off than be pissed on.
The worst time to have a heart attack is when you’re playing charades. No one will believe you.
Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humour.
It is no accident that ‘stressed’ spelled backward is ‘desserts’.
I hear voices, and they don't like you.
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away
"Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that."
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
Education is important; school however, is another matter.
If those chain messages were accurate, I'd be dead 305 times by now.
Do. Not. Touch. Me. Or. I. Will. Bite.
Guy1-"I think I'm losing my mind."
Guy2-"You can't lose what you never had, man."
Anatadaephobia: the fear that somehow, somewhere...a duck is watching you.
I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
I know at least one person who would love to push me down the stairs
I went to an insane asylum to talk who led the building. I ask him, "How do you know if someone is insane?"
"Well," he replies, "we fill a bathtub with water and offer them a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket; they have to empty the bathtub quickly."
"Oh," I say, "so they will take the bucket because it is the biggest and holds the most water."
He looks at me, "No. A normal person would pull the plug. Now, would you like a room with a bed near the window or by the door?"
I keep trying to kidnap Jasper but every time I try Alice is there waiting for me with a baseball bat. How does she- Oh. Right...
When in Rome, try to avoid the Volturi!
Alice in Wonderland Oh! Is that the story of Alice before she went into the Asylum?
Don't Like My "Twilight" Obsession?
Live dangerous…Run with scissors.
Well, sorry just doesn't cut it...scissors do.
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Do not disturb I’m disturbed enough already
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
Ooooo...a life. Where can I download one?
I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Trying is the first step toward failure.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?
Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. If you can raed tihs cpoy and ptsae
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese; there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. it's ether my mom or dad, or my older brother Collin, or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu, but I think it's Colin.
This has got to be one of the most clever
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE :
ELECTION - RESULTS:
A DECIMAL POINT:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
You call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark grows on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful, thanks for noticing.
We're not sarcastic, we're hilarious. We're not annoying, we're just cooler than you. We're not obsessed, we're just best friends.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.(That kinda defeats the whole 'God of War' thing I have going...)
War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. (... So I'll put this!!!)
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian (EH?)
No one was perfect...well, there was this one guy, but we killed him.
If it wasn't for physics and the law, hell, I'd be unstoppable.
Fear nothing. Risk everything.
Growing old is mandatory...but growing up my friends, well that is optional.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why people appear bright until you hear them speak.
With everything that you can do, the real question is what will you do?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good...
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?
There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.
Your mom looks like Voldemort (oooooh burn)
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Don’t mess with me I've got a stick
I had my soul removed to make room for sarcasm and I don't regret it.
Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends
Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
Okay I am called blond ALL the time so I thought I would share my favorite Blond jokes!! (I mean not to offend!)
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said, 'These look like deer tracks,'
They argued and argued for a quite while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
One day this blonde calls her friend and says,
Her friend asks, 'What is it a puzzle of?'
The blonde says, 'From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, 'Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.'
She asks, 'Oh, how come?'
He says, 'Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box.'
How do you drown a blonde?
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Why do blondes have 'TGIF' written on their shoes?
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
I'll stαч up tιll TШILIGHT
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man:Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet and I love you
Woman:Blood is red. My heart is black. Go to Hell and never come back.
Man: You know it's love when the hardest thing to do is say goodbye
Woman: Goodbye. That wasnt hard at all
Man:Love me or leave me.
Woman: Okay. (walks off)
Man:If you were a book you would be in FINE print.
Woman:Have you ever read a book?
Man:I'm Alice and your my wonderland.
Woman:Somehow it doesnt surprise me that you want to be a girl.
Man:SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOUR TO BLAME!
Woman: Mission accomplished
Man:You blow me away.
Woman:Then why are you still here?
Man:Girl you so fine I want you to be mine.
Woman:Boy you so ugly one look at you is deadly.
Man:If I were you I'd kiss me.
Woman:If I were you I'd kill myself.
Man:I'll be the mouse. You be the cheese.
Man:I think I might be gay. Want to try to convert me?
Woman: Your gay?! Kewl! I can set you up with my friend! He's gay too!
Man:Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
Woman:(phone gesture) Hello? (Holds out phone to man) It's the retirement home. They want there pick up line back
Man:If I said you had a nice body would you hold it against me?
Woman:If I said you had a nice head would you let me pound some sense into it
Alice could (and probably will) rule the world.
"It's not that hard to believe. Humans get sick all the time." Edward said. "I should know."
"You should see the doctor," Charlie said, laughing. "It's a good thing he's happily married. A lot of the nurses at the hospital have a hard time concentrating on their work with him around."
Hmm… maybe I should work more with male nurses then.
Tylenol, Duck Tape, and Band Aids= demigod essentials.
To James and Lily,
Who died at the beginning,
To Remus and Dora,
I AM IN SIRIUS DENIAL! SIRIUS IS NOT DEAD, AND I WILL NOT LET YOU SAY OTHERWISE! If you too are in Sirius denial then copy and paste this into your profile; because Denial is not just a river in Egypt! JK ROWLING KILLED HIM, I KNOW... BUT HIS LEGACY LIVES ON IN ALL THE MARAUDER FICS ON THIS SITE!!!
Disclaimer: Aro wants world peace, Edward Cullen is NOT hot, Carlisle is a serial killer, Jasper Whitlock loves me, The Volturi popping up are NOT annoying, the world is free for mythical beings, girls have no interest whatsoever in guys, Renesmee Carlie Cullen is perfectly normal, Jacob loves vampires, and I own Twilight. Get it yet?
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