Monster energy drinks are like Barney- they make little kids jump around and sing at the top of their lungs until they throw up
When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. Your choice
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."
"Death is God's way of saying "You're fired."
92% of teens have turned to pop and rap, I'm part of the 8% who still love country! COPY, PASTE AND SIGN IF YOU ARE WITH ME!
If you haven't seen any of these, SEE THEM! AWESOMENESS!
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again.
God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.
So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face
When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you I hear your silence loud and clear.
Children in front-seats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.
Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don’t mess with me I've got a stick.
Boys are like Slinky's, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable.
Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.
Boys are like knives, useful but they'll cut you eventually.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Help I've fallen and i can't...hey nice carpet!
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!
Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else.
Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality.
Life's Tough, get a helmet.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Can vegetarians eat Animals Crackers?
Only in America, do banks have braille on the drive-thru ATM's.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The cops never find it as funny as you do.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Frito's! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity copy and paste this into your profile! XD
Put this in your profile
If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do
If you've walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway copy and paste this is your profile
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back!
My night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
Before you criticize some one, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away and you still have their shoes.
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid a--.
If all the worlds a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room?
Why do they have the back pain medicine on the bottom shelf at the pharmacy?
If Santa lives at the North Pole, where does the Easter bunny live?
What does the K in K-mart stand for?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If you crossed a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are boxing rings square?
If you are in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why do they call them apartments if they are all shoved together?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
(copy this to your profile if you think about something on this list too)
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