You're probably here because I gave you a bad review. Good for you. You don't agree? Huh. Well then, I guess there are a few things you should know:
1.) I do not care about your excuses for being a bad writer. I don't care if it's your first story, or if you're only X years old, or if English is your second language (though if it is, I understand but you should be thankful for my review and continue to work on it).
2.) I don't review to insult you. I review to help you. This does not mean I care about your feelings. You feel insulted? Sad? Good for you. I don't care. I'm not your best friend, I don't love you. Not to mention that you people have some hilarious responses to my reviews, I'm not going to lie.
3.) Take my advice. You won't be taken seriously as an author if you suck at writing. Even if you don't mean to be taken seriously, it's always good to take an honest review
4.) Feel free to send me more of your writing. I'm an extremely honest critic and I enjoy reviewing it. That is the sole reason I have this account. Note that it takes me a while to get through requests as I'm generally flooded with them.
5.) Be thankful. All of your friends will probably tell you that you're amazing at whatever it is you're doing. The truth is that either they're trying to spare your feelings or are just stupid. I won't. I don't lie about this stuff unless it's really funny. Abuse of the English language is often not.
6.) Despite being good friends with Claire the Logic Fairy and sharing her taste, we are not the same. There are some key differences including diction, personal opinions, reasons for reviewing, and extent of judgement, meaning I will cut slack to some (i.e. if English is not your native language, if you have some sort of legitimate medical disorder that causes bad fanfiction, etc.) and she will not.
7.) I do not care about your qualifications. Most likely, I won't believe you if you say you're at the top of your English class, or if your teacher/professor/mommy says you're an amazing author. This is the internet. You will likely lie. Besides, if you're so good at writing, why are you writing fanfiction, specifically bad fanfiction? Even if I do believe you, I still won't care. Just because you've good grades doesn't mean it's good writing.
8.) "But Lesbian, you don't post any of your writing on here. How do I know you're good enough to review me?" I get this reply excessively. I do write, but I don't post it on here. Why? I don't write fanfiction. As much as I hate to state it, but I'll get bad reviews just because I gave someone a bad review. I can tell when it's a revenge review, trust me. Regardless of these things, it doesn't matter who's the better writer. If I represent the average, dumb person who doesn't write but reads and reviews, doesn't that mean I represent your audience? You want to be able to write a story without having to explain things directly to the reader. If you do, it sucks. If they think it sucks, it probably does which brings me to my next point. . .
9.) "All my friends say I write well!" Key words there being 'my friends'. Most friends won't tell you when/if something you do sucks. Why? They care about your emotions. I don't. Even then, most people can't tell good writing from bad. Examples: Twilight, Harry Potter, Avengers movie. (PM me if you want my reviews on those)
10.) "Get a life!"/"Cyberbully!" For one thing, you're talking about me, not my argument, and therefore are doing nothing for your point. I don't care what your opinion is of me. You hate me? Good for you, but my advice remains valid. I'm 'cyberbullying' you? Aside from my issues with that term (PM me if you feel the need to know why I don't like it), you're still trying to make a point against me, not against my opinion. Again, I don't do this to be insulting. I do it to help.
11.) "You reviewed my spiritual fanfiction! I'm offended!" I don't care. My beliefs aside, if it sucked, it sucked. If it takes things out of context, I will point that out. What I believe is irrelevant. I'm not singling you out, I'm not being prejudiced. I just don't like what you've written. I don't care if you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, atheist, FSM, or whatever. You being offended isn't a free pass to get whatever you want. I don't care about your feelings. If you're offended, good for you. I still don't care.
12.) If I do happen to be friends with you, IRL or not, I still don't care about what you think of my review. Friends don't let friends write shitty fanfiction. I'm not giving you a bad review because I don't like you or I'm angry with you, it's because it's just bad. I'm being objective. I don't leave revenge reviews, or send hate mail or whatever. More likely than not, I still don't care about your feelings related to my review. Don't flatter yourself.
13.) I will not state any of the former points when replying, as I will redirect you here to read them yourself. You are not a special snowflake. I don't care if you wrote it after your dog died and it was about the feels it gave you. Notice how many times I've stated that I don't care.
I have a Fiction Press account under the same name, and you are free to PM me there about any original fiction-related questions.
Here is a list of dissatisfied customers:
I would like to thank everyone who has replied with a civil, thankful response, because it's a good thing to have manners, let alone splendid internet ones.
PM me if you have any questions.