Author has written 6 stories for Maximum Ride, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Dragonriders of Pern series.
Hi, I'm ByrdClaw. I write stories about Maximum Ride and Pokémon, and maybe some others some day.
5 Things I Don't Like About Maximum Ride Stories, Please Don't Be Offended, I Just Don't Like It.
1. Figgy/Giggy/Fazzy Stories. I don't really like guy-guy, no offense
2. One shots. I like lots of action and suspense. No offense
3. Dax. Me no like Dylan. No offense
4. Too much Nazzy. I don't know why, they just don't seem like a good match. A bit is okay. No offense
5. Miggy. Me no like Miggy.
My Favorite OC's Profile, Please No Copying.
Personality: Nice, loves pranks, Kind of a girl Gazzy.
Wingspan: 14 feet.
Clothes: Usually jeans, a random shirt that almost never fits, and sneakers.
Backstory: Spark was found on the streets by the white coats. They implanted wings on Spark, and tested on her for 5 years. Over that time she developed lightning powers, and became able to teleport 10 feet away, but not through titanium, so the School laced everything with titanium.
DNA implanted: Yellow Warbler DNA
Powers: Can control lightning and teleport
I just wanted to be a good family cat. Play around with children and sleep with my owners. I never thought this would happen…
“I would like that one.”
I never thought I would be chosen. To be one of the poor souls here. I never wanted any of this…
“Are you sure? There are many others to choose from.”
I-I just wanted to live a happy life, in a warm home. Not here, in this hell…
“Yes I’m sure.”
I whimper in pain as a caliper clamps down on my neck. I am raised out of my cage, the other 13 cats staring at me with sad eyes…
“How would you like it?”
It is hard to breath as I am just hanging here. I recount my life. All the cats I hear and see killed. I even feel for the dogs who get the same treatment. It sickens me to see it, and now it’s happening to me…
I begin to pant as I see a man go over and get a metal pole…
“Are you sure you want it half-dead now?”
Please, say no. Just let him kill me and get it over with…
“Yes I am sure.”
I cry out in pain as the pole hit me in the head. He reared back and hit me harder. My blood splatters the ground…
“Harder. I want to leave soon, I have a meeting to go to at 1.”
I breath faintly as my wounds gush out blood, my fur soaked in my own blood. I now only can twitch as the pole beats me…
Please, let him just finish me off…
I am tossed into a bag, and I breath very slowly. Here I am bleeding to death in a plastic bag…
“Thank you for your services sir.”
Why doesn’t someone do something? I am a living creature just like them! I did nothing wrong! So what did I do to deserve this?
“Your welcome, and I will come back for another soon.”
More condemned to this life. To this life of torture. A cat deserves a family, the ability to play with toys, have kits, and sleep in the crook of a bent knee. Not this, nothing deserves this…
“Have a good day sir.”
My breath has almost stopped, most of blood now gone. I close my eyes and wait for the death that is coming. My heart slowly stops, my life now over. I guess I was just one more soul that never got a chance…
Copy and Paste this into your profile if this made you sick and feel for the animals in pain all over the world. This is the link to the article it was based off of --
Most girls; Are cheerleaders
Other girls; Are captain of the football team
Most girls; Cry, bitch and stuff themselves with chocolate for a week after their boyfriend breaks up with them
Other girls; Put a sign on their ex-boyfriends back that says; "Never gonna get any"
Most girls: Learn how to bake bread and cakes from their mom
Other girls; Learn how to Barbecue from their dad.
Most girls; Play with dolls with their sister
Other girls: Play video games with their brother
Most girls; Have fits and plan revenge
Other girls: Play pranks
Most girls; Slap people
Other girls: Punch people
Most girls; Become anorexic and shove their fingers down their throats
Other girls; Would down a whole bag of Potato chips and not give a crap
Most girls; Would think this was garbage
Other girls: Would copy and paste this.
As a Clan cat, I will...
1. Tell Tigerstar to get a life.
2. Make any remarks about Longtail compensating for something.
3. Ask Jayfeather "How many fingers am I holding up?"
4. Tell Crowfeather "I totally hit that" when talking about Leafpool or Feathertail.
5. Ask Ravenpaw and Barley who's on top.
6. Refer to Crowfeather as "Crowy", Jayfeather as "Jay-Jay", Tigerstar as "Tiggystar", etc.
7. Make any remarks about the length of Jayfeather's stick.
8. Make any remarks about Lionblaze exploring Heathertail's tunnels.
9. Make any remarks about how Hollyleaf never did anything that can be used as a sexual innuendo.
10. Taunt Crowfeather with revealing pictures of Leafpool.
11. Taunt Leafpool with revealing pictures of Crowfeather.
12. Hug everyone.
13. Ask Dustpelt if he's ever considered using a condom.
14. Ask Spiderleg how drunk he was when he slept with Daisy.
15. Mention Spottedleaf while in the same room as Firestar and Sandstorm.
16. Laugh at Midnight's terrible grammar.
17. Laugh at Purdy's accent.
18. Refer to Ashfur as "Polka-dotted".
19. Try to force anyone out of the closet.
20. Make fun of Brokenstar for getting his ass kicked all the time.
21. Harass Sorreltail for "stealing Brackenfur".
22. Say anything to Leopardstar when she's in one of her "moods".
23. Use the Moonpool as a bathroom.
24. Come up with a theme song for the Three.
25. Talk to Ivypaw about how much better her sister is.
26. Stare at Brightheart's face.
27. Try to convince Cinderheart that she's Cinderpelt.
28. Diss fish in front of RiverClan.
29. Bring up the subject of Sol.
30. Slap Firestar upside the head for being so blind to the opposite sex.
31. Support a system of government where people actually work together instead of trying to kill each other all the time.
32. Mess with Jayfeather's stick of wonders.
33. Tell Hollyleaf to go die in a hole
34. Read Hollyleaf a list of every single violation of the Warrior Code
35. Try to rape Jayfeather
The Lessons Warriors Has Taught Us :
1. Violence doesn't solve all problems, but it does solve some. And they should be solved very violently.
2. Cats can have accents.
3. Old people are funny.
4. If your girlfriend dies, the default response is to sleep with her sister.
5. No matter how right you are, you're still wrong in some way.
6. Your logic doesn't have to make sense if you're angry enough.
7. Always use a condom.
8. Killing your half-brother solves all of your problems for 6-12 months.
9. Having fangirls gives you the right to do virtually anything without being considered evil *cough*Ashfur*cough*Scourge*cough*.
10. There are no limits to how homoerotically you can kill your own brother.
11. Casual racism is socially acceptable. More severe racism is less approved of, but still allowed. Only outright genocide crosses the line.
12. Most children in southern England will squee when they see a cat.
13. Good is cute/handsome; Evil is sexy.
14. Highly organized colonies of feral cats have been living in the English countryside for over 40 years without being noticed by anyone.
15. Cats are really good at cleaning up massive bloodstains.
16. If you eat too much fish, your blood tastes fishy.
17. Its possible to complain about anything.
18. All barn cats are gay.
19. Happy endings are unrealistic.
20. No matter how depressed you get, there is always a way to become more emo.
21. Plans that rely on the cooperation of others have a tendency not to work.
22. God isn't going to do anything for you because He wants you to maintain both the freedom and the capacity to just get off your lazy ass and do it yourself.
23. Gaining nine lives causes you to die nine times as frequently as everyone else.
24. Major antagonists have a tendency to die the most violent deaths imaginable.
25. The object that cats should fear the most is a purple pen.
26. Life: You don't win. You break even. At best.
27. It's possible to not notice that you are pregnant.
28. It's possible to make multiple AMVs of a series with only one episode worth of clips.
29. The general public doesn't know anything.
30. People who secretly want to have sex with you make the best evil minions.
31. The default response to being dumped by someone is to devote yourself to making them watch their family die slow, painful deaths.
32. If you try hard enough, you can be pregnant and give birth without anyone noticing.
33. People named after plants tend to be red herrings. People named after animals are the real deal.
34. Don't fight the system, no matter how messed up it is.
35. Stars are really the spirits of dead cats.
36. War crimes are perfectly fine if God tells you to commit them.
37. Just because someone has gone to hell doesn't mean you don't have to deal with them anymore.
38. The width of someone's shoulders is a good indicator of how strong and experienced they are.
39. Don't mess with beavers.
40. Thunderstorms are inherently dramatic.
41. Forbidden relationships happen about as often as socially legitimate ones.
42. Breaking the rules is bad. Bending the rules is good.
43. Virginity is overrated.
44. If you're ever near death or dying, you will survive anyway.
45. Most people would listen to Hitler if he was nice to them.
46. If you start to see a red haze, stop what you are doing.
47. Lying is the most evil thing ever.
48. The happier your relationship, the more tragically it will end.
49. Incest doesn't count if it isn't immediately noticeable.
50. If you play with your food, an owl will come and eat you.
16 fun things to do in an elevator!
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
5. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
6. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8. Ask, "Did you feel that?".
9. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally"
10. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
11. Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
12. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
13. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
14. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
15. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
16. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button."
Funny things to do in stores
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of tomato juice on the ground, leading to the girls restrooms
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think we've got a Code 3 in House wares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
44. Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying how could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying Good girl, good Bessie."
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. hide in clothing racks and when someone look in pop out and say do you mind
57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch" from the other aisles.
58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."
59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
65. Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?"
67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive."
68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don't realize it.
70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.
71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag
72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window the British are coming"
73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes
74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices
75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane
76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)
77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saying I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight
79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.
80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.
81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section
82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.
83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.
84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (don’t try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.
85. If people aren’t looking at their cart, steal it.
86. Go to the gun section, saying Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smiley face!"
87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use white-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.
88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught
89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.
90. Repeadeately say "The clowns are not eating me."
91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbor’s name.
92. Rearrange items as you see fit.
93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.
94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs
95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)
96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recommended)
97. Grab stickers that say radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.
98. Follow someone until they notice
99. Pull out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial
100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.
101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.
102. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.
103. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).
104. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.
105. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customer’s items. If the cashier protests, kill them.
106. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!" Make a scene.
107. Climb things.
108. walk around wearing the cloths from the store
109. Look at customers and look away when they look back (repeat)
110. Make Loud noises in the bathroom.
111. Pat guys on the back when using bathroom stall.
112. Play the stereos real loud and dance wildly.
113. Hog up the Xbox or PS2 demo games
114. Flip off the camera
115. get 220 items make the cashier ring them all up, then say you know what I will just take a pack of gum, say to return everything else
116. Put the items back in wrong spots
117. Walk past people and make bodily noises.
118. Format the hard drives on the computers
119. Stand in front of the Wal-Mart greeter and say "Welcome to Wal-Mart" before the greeter can.
120. Have a long conversation with the greeter so that he/she cannot greet customers entering the store or give them a shopping cart.
121. Go to the auto department and get a few jugs of antifreeze, put them in the freezers in the grocery department.
122. Roll a tire down the aisle and chase after it.
123. Go to the electronics department and put on a show for the video cameras.
124. Joust with the rascals (the little motorized wheelchairs at the entrance)
125. Act autistic by yelling "baseball" in a slightly retarded voice
126. Pillow fights with stuffed animals
127. Talk to the clerk in the electronics dept, and every 5 minutes or so yell "No! You are Wrong!"
128. Clip clothing to customers w/out their knowledge, clip-on ties work great
129. Clip a clip on tie to yourself on your back and walk in and out of the store a bunch of times and see if anyone notices
130. Men: Take women’s clothing and go to the changing rooms
131. Take embarrassing items (massive amounts of duesche in men’s carts works really well, or self enema kits, I do this at work all the time) and hide them in random people's carts
132. Get a blue or red vest from a friend who works at Wal-Mart and walk around helping customers and moving things and talking to other employees.
133. Put on a baseball helmet backwards, a hunting vest, a big stuffed bear under one arm and a pool cue. Tiptoe in and out of isles and yell "BANG" while pointing the pool cue at customers and employees, then jump into an isle where they can't see you.
134. Commando crawl through isles doing the same thing, but roll off into other isles and crawl away as fast as possible. This got me kicked out in under 10 minutes (my personal record). We got away with it that long because my friend explained to one employee that I was "slow" in the head and that I was simply expressing myself.
135. Play Hide and Go seek
136. While playing move stuff out of the shelves and get on the shelf, and put the merchandise in front of you and hide. ! also makes it interesting when people grab for a box and miss
137. Follow a random person around the store, buying the same things they buy
138. Go in without pants... ask an employee where they sell pants.
139. Do your shopping from other peoples carts
140. Go into fitting room and announce loudly "there's no toilet paper in here!"
141. Set up camp in sporting goods using their display items
142. Ask how much for the Big W out front.
143. Ask customer service where the nearest K-mart is
144. Ask if "hanging sex chair swings" are in furniture, sporting goods or toys
145. Remove all pricing stickers from all items before checking out
146. Grab the toys that make noise, turn them on, and hide them all around the store
147. Dress exactly like the manager and walk around the store abusing people.
148. Post 'Found Person' flyers in their 'Missing Persons' billboard.
149. Announce a Blue Light Special on the Wal-Mart P.A.
150. drop adult diapers into people’s carts
151. Try to return things with another stores brand name to Wal-Mart
152. Padlock all the carts together
153. Go in wearing a towel and ask for soap
154. Ask to see a selection of their most popular walls.
155. Ask if they have co-ed changing rooms
156. Test out the Riding Mowers.
157. Test out a Ladder. Use it to change some light bulbs
158. hook up voice changer to intercom, and switch between little girl and demonic
159. Act like you've never seen automatic sliding doors.
160. Shake all the soda
161. Make a fort
162. have deep, lengthy conversations...with a mannequin
163. Place Milk back behind the bleach.
164. Dodge ball with the big bouncy balls
165. Drop panties and jars of Vaseline into men's shopping carts
166. Beat a little kid at Nintendo. Make him cry.
167. Buy a bikini for the guy at the register
168. Follow random people around and spray everything they touch with Lysol
169. Scream every time the checkout person scans an item
170. Ask if they have seen Mike Rotch. Have them ask over the PA.
171. *even better if your male* Make out with the big plastic Ronald McDonald
172. Play limbo with the brooms
173. put tampons in Elmo’s hand
174. Ask the employees to recommend & describe personal lubricants
175. Say loudly "my mom will love this" whilst holding sexy lingerie
176. Ask if the condoms come in women’s sizes
177. Go up to a cashier, and ask him/her to page a bogus person. Make up the name.
178. Ask The greeter if sex is allowed in the entertainment section
179. Take the extra buttons from the coats, name them, and talk to them
180. Ask if they have any lingerie with Tinky-Winky on it
181. Take photos of the store and the customers (don’t be afraid to get in there face. Also post pics online)
182. Hold desk clerks hostage in the fish section, then threaten to drown em over PA
183. Dress up as Mario and advertise Super Mario Sunshine
184. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"
185. u can also throw skittles at people and say taste the rainbow...or take a box
of lucky charms, shoot down the isle screaming "you'll never catch me lucky
186. Great pranks! However, you forgot to mention GRANNY PANTIES!!! They are great for every thing! Put them in peoples carts when they weren’t looking, Drop them over fresh fruit and hang them from flowers. Stuff a few pairs in with toys
187. run around the store going 'WEEE-WOOOO, WEEEE-WOOOO, WEEEEEE-WOOOOO'
188. Also, just before the store closes, fall asleep on a couch, and when someone asks you to leave at closing time, tell them you live there.
189. when in the isle that is really full of people suddenly fall on the floor and yell out "IVE BEEN HIT BY FALLING PRICES"
190. Bring Popped popcorn into the store, grab some chairs from wherever, take them to the electronics section and put them in the way of people, sit in them and watch whatever movie they have playing.
191. Go up to couples and go up to the guy (or girl), slap him (or her) and yell,” I THOUGHT UP LOVED ME!!ITS OVER!!!"then walk off in a huff
192. Go up to the busiest looking associate and rudely ask them where something is. Just make sure that the something you’re looking for is right next to you
193. One thing to do if you really have an extra twenty or fifty dollar bill is to make it stick to the floor in one of the aisles and every time someone tries to pick it up dive straight for them and scream "It's a trap! It's gonna explode!"
194. Hold a box tightly. if people look at you, clutch the box to your chest and say, "Mine."
195. Go to the checkout line and page yourself. Slip away, then come back 5 minutes later, saying you were paged. Repeat until you're told to leave.
196. Stick price stickers to yourself and lay on the conveyer belt. When asked what you're doing, say, "I got hungry and ate all my food."
197. Move the displays into a maze, then stand at the end and congratulate anybody who makes it out.
198. Walk up to an employee, and say "Can I help you?"
199. Act like a manikin. Then when people walk by, scare them or follow them.
200. Talk with fake bad accents or in a language that you don’t know.
201. Steal something from someone's cart and run off laughing. Be as conspicuous as possible. When they confront you, say "Blast! Foiled again!" and give the item back.
202. Roll around in the aisles
203. Create your own clothing in the Arts and Crafts section
204. Grab a 100 bucks worth of stuff, check out. When asked for money shrug.
205. Paint the store funny colors
206. Blindfolded. Grab as much clothing as possible in 30 seconds. Try on. YAAAAY!!!
207. Rope of an area walk on it and say and say it will collapse if anyone steps on
208. Walk around and worship random items around the store. Make it look convincing.
209. Announce: Wal-Mart clerks don't get paid enough to even shop at Wal-Mart!
210. Sneak up on old people and scream penis at the top of your lungs then run
211. Shave the Barbies
212. Go to the Pet Dept. and ask if the dead fish are half-price (true story)
213. Grab as many balls you can find and peg them at random kids around the store.
214. Play limbo with the brooms.
215. Hang comforters over a few aisles.
216. After the loudspeaker comes on, shout "Dad, was that you?"
217. Sell the store’s stuff to people
218. Fly a kite attached to a bike
219. Give random people a piggyback ride or vice versa
220. Ask people if they believe in magic
221. Have a paper airplane distance contest
222. Have a picnic with some people
223. Make a house out of card board boxes
224. Have a yard sale
225. Attach a video camera to a remote control car. Spy around
226. Buy a Chia Pet and call it Chia Charlie
227. Get some water guns and ATTACK!!
228. Have a competition with someone to see who is less competitive
229. Start hitting yourself in the head and say, SHUT up all of you - SHUT UP especially you Lawrence
230. Stick blueberries up your nose and see how far you can shoot them
231. Strut like John Wayne
232. Take an invisible dog for a walk
233. Talk only in famous catchphrases from movies
234. Three-legged softball or soccer (players are paired off, then each player has one leg tied to their partner's)
235. Throw around an invisible ball and see if you can get people to join you in a game of catch
236. Try to hypnotize someone
237. Verbally Abuse your patio furniture
238. Voice your opinion where no one can hear you
239. Try to not think about penguins (This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.)
240. Pretend you're a robot
241. Pretend to be a car run people over
242. Make a Conga line see how many people will join
243. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other people, "This is MY personal space!"
244. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other people
245. Swat at flies that don't exist.
246. Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
247. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
248. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
249. Stare, grinning at another person for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
250. Greet everyone coming in the store with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
251. Spin until you're dizzy.
252. Put the movie playing on mute and make a dialogue
253. Walk around Wal-Mart every so often pretend to trip on an 'invisible' wire
254. Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
255. Skip rather than walk.
256. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
257. Walk up to an old lady and say, “You’ve just said the secret word! Please go to the management for your prize!”
258. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
259. Start a sing-along.
260. Blow spit bubbles.
261. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger. What do you think?”
262. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
263. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
264. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
265. When it's silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
266. Start screaming that you lost your pet rat/snake/spider
267. Sing the song that get on everybody’s nerves as loud as you can
268. Fart. When the other person starts smelling it, say "It was you"
269. Pretend to be Johnny Depp
270. Chalk the shape of a person on the floor and spray a little ketchup around.
271. Shout, "Look, I'm naked!" just to see how many people actually turn to look.
272. Set up a lemonade stand in the restroom.
273. Yell: 'I Like Toast!!!' when it gets too quiet
274. Stick a price tag on yourself and sit on a shelf
275. Suck on ketchup packs and tell people it's astronaut food
276. Put twisted ketchup packets under the wheels of parked cars and wait
277. Sneak around like you did something wrong
278. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
279. Ask people how to get to Wal-Mart
280. Try to Use Lawn Gnomes as Currency
281. Get on a skateboard stomach first.
282. Go next to random people and shout NO MEANS NO!!!!!
283. Pull price tags off of all the clothes.
284. Stand outside a store and pretend to be a paid advertisement
285. Stand outside a store and pretend to be a paid advertisement for Kmart
286. Take off your shoes and slide on the tile.
288. Start a protest
289. .If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for a half-hour while rocking from side to side.
290. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
291. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
292. Ask which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz"
293. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
294. .Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof"
295. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
296. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
297. Show people your driver's license or I.D. and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
298. Open up a loaf of bread and make yourself a sandwich. Take it to the checkout lane and see how much they charge you for it. Tell them you added extra mayo.
299. Try to purchase one grape. Repeat until the laughter subsides and they feel obligated to start charging you.
300. Fill a shopping cart with watermelons. Get more carts and fill them with other heavy products. See if you can barricade another customer inside one of the aisles. (Try to capture an old lady; they're slower than the rest of us.)
301. Open up some cheese and crackers and offer samples.
302. Conduct your own Pepsi Challenge.
303. Pay in pennies
304. Pay in postage stamps. (Explain that you accidentally grabbed them instead of your food stamps because you were in a hurry to get out of the house before your alcoholic husband got home.)
305. Put your own surprises in the cereal boxes
306. Post your own "Buy one, get one free!" signs.
307. Rub olive oil all over your stuff. As soon as the cashier expresses a look of disgust, start complaining about how filthy the store is.
308. Take photos of men putting feminine hygiene products into their carts. Tell them they'll be able to download their photos at spinelesshenpeckedfairies.org.
309. Hide your arms under your coat and ask a manager if the store is "armless accessible"
310. One-legged activities
311. Hide a walkie-talkie behind packages of adult undergarments. From the other end of the aisle, see if this is a product that can sell itself.
312. Leave small, expensive, easy-to-scan products in other people's carts.
313. Empty a bottle of aspirin all over the floor and lie down next to it.
314. Tell the cashier that it's great the store is providing jobs to "you people"
315. Pretend you're blind, and enter the fitting room with a seeing-eye dog. Exit the room naked, with the dog wearing your clothes.
316. Knock on the fitting room next to you, and say, "Pa? Is that you?"
317. (Women only) ask the salesperson to bring you several bras much larger than you're capable of wearing. If she suggests you try on a smaller size, tell her that you plan on getting implants.
318. In a whisper, ask questions about where the gun is.
319. Pour water underneath the wall between you and the next fitting room.
320. Confess your sins to the customer in the next fitting room.
321. Pant in a dressing room
322. Groan in a dressing room
323. Giggle in a dressing room
324. Fill the pockets of unwanted clothing with sand.
325. Wait for people to step outside the fitting area to show family members the clothes they're trying on. Hide the clothes they were originally wearing.
326. Enter the fitting room with nothing to try on.
327. Enter the fitting room with only a pair of gloves.
328. Inside the fitting room, put on a pair of pants and a shirt you just purchased at another store, leaving the tags and labels on the clothing. Exit the fitting room running, and see how far you can get before being tackled and having to show your receipt.
329. Say "Yes, officer. He's/she's in there." Then knock aggressively on one of the fitting room doors.
330. See how many sweaters you can put on at one time.
331. Ask people if they want to accept Jesus into their lives.
332. Making as many trips to the fitting room as necessary, see what percentage of the store's total stock you can transport there. Each shelf cleared is worth 5 points. Entire circular racks are worth 25 points. A variation of the game may be played using multiple fitting rooms.
333. Put itching powder in unpurchased underwear.
334. Run around the store while pushing a shopping cart.
335. Go up to people and fall over randomly right in front of them
336. Go up to random shoppers and sneeze on them.
337. Sneeze on the cashiers.
338. "Accidentally" sneeze on every article of clothing you look at.
339. Sneeze on your hands. Then go up to shoppers and shake their hand.
340. Play with the bicycle horns
341. Grab a pair of jeans and put them on your head.
342. Run around the store with them on your head
343. Walk around like a zombie
344. Lay down in the middle of an aisle
345. Sing "I'm a little teacup" really loud in the middle of the store
346. Run around the store in a chicken outfit and "bwak" at them.
347. Sit down in the food court and randomly tell a story
348. Dress up as super man, walk around the store and at random times, and pretend to "save the day."
349. Walk around on your hands and feet
350. Go up and talk with people. During the conversation, randomly change your name.
351. Walk around with both your hands in a bucket
352. Make up a song about shopping carts and sing it really loud at random places
353. Have an argument with yourself in front of the cash register about how you are going to pay.
354. Walk back and forth in an aisle continuously
355. Walk into walls
356. When you take your bags full of items, pick them up slowly and make it look like their way too heavy. (Works best if you only have one small item.)
357. Tell the cashier a story
358. Put socks on your ears
359. Do a sock dance randomly around the store
360. Tap dance randomly
361. Ask an employee if they happen to have any fresh Oompah Loompah fruit
362. Tiptoe stealthily up and down the aisles – and around corners – with a magnifying glass.
363. Go up to the manager and tell him or her that you’ve lost your mommy
364. Every time you turn the corner with your shopping cart, shout “Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!”
366. Create a costume
367. Wear it around the store
368. Make prank phone calls to Wal-Mart
369. Play with matches
370. Build a pyramid of people
371. Ask why
372. Cheer up a potato
373. Bounce a potato
374. Stand on your head
375. Stand on someone else's head
376. Do aerobic exercises
377. Wear a lampshade on your head
378. Ask people if they want to apply for a unicorn hunting license
379. Award random people prizes
380. Play air guitar
381. Air drums
382. Air keyboard
383. Charge people to come to your air show
384. Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
385. Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
386. Free the oppressed toasters of America
387. Inflate a beach ball and throw it around the store
388. Chew on your arm until someone notices
389. Run across the room, tag someone and say "You're it."
390. Start a wave
391. Walk around the room begging for spare change
392. Play rock-paper-scissors with yourself. Accuse your left hand of cheating
393. Walk up the aisle yelling, "Popcorn! Hot popcorn here!"
394. Go up to random people, regardless of age, sex, or marital status, and ask them if they'll marry you. If they say yes, act all nervous, stutter something about not being ready for a commitment, and run.
395. Start laughing really hard and say, "Oh, now I get it.”
396. Announce your candidacy for President
397. Put your face really close a person while they're facing a different direction, tap them on the shoulder, and watch them jump when they turn to face you
398. Walk into a store that has a sign that says, "Have a penny? Give a penny! Need a penny? Take a penny!" with a HUGE jar of pennies. Take a penny out of the cup, put it into your jar, and walk out.
399. While standing next to someone, unobtrusively reach your arm around their back, and tap them on the opposite shoulder.
400. Tell someone, "Okay, here's what you do: bite down on both your pinky nails really hard for about thirty seconds, and then when I tell you that time is up, link your pinkies and pull really hard." If they ask, "Why?" tell them that it feels really neat. If done correctly, this trick should cause excruciating pain.
401. Tell somebody that's wearing Velcro shoes or slip-ons that their shoelaces are untied.
402. Give somebody a Wet Willy.
403. Take a deck of cards, and say, "Okay, I'm gonna do a magic trick." Ask the person to pick any card, and put it anywhere in the deck. After they have shuffled the deck thoroughly, take the deck back. Ask, "What was your card?" When they tell you, say, "Not only has your card magically come to the top of the deck, but it has also magically turned into..." Pick up the top card, look at it, and name it
404. Exclaim in a crowded place, "No, I won't touch you there for a dollar! No, not two dollars, either!"
405. Approach somebody quietly from behind, grab them, and scream, "Booga booga!" or any other such exclamation loudly. This works extremely well on high strung people.
406. Tap the person on the shoulder continuously, and when you have their attention, just continue tapping them on the shoulder.
407. Another classic is to get about three other people in on a joke that has no meaning at all, and tell it with those three people and the victim in the room. All the people 'in' on the joke laugh, and the victim doesn't get it. When he asks, say, "Oh, never mind. If you don't get it, it's not worth explaining. My favorite is, "A hippo and a penguin are taking a bath together. The hippo says, 'Pass the soap,' and the penguin says, 'No soap. Radio!'"
408. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
409. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
410. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
411. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
412. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
413. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
414. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
415. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
416. Ask people what gender they are.
417. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
418. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
419. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
420. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
421. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
422. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
423. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
424. Cross the road in front of a car, change your mind 3/4 of the way over and turn back. (Particularly good if the driver has honked his horn or shown signs of impatience).
425. If you are in a shop and a child is being told he can't have any chocolate, secretly put a bar (or several) in the cart and wait for the argument at the checkout counter.
426. Recite crossword clues out (very) loud in public, complain if anyone offers advice on the answers.
427. Sing songs out of tune and with incorrect lyrics (preferably accompanying a loud ipod).
428. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." While in the bathroom
429. Ask people to prove everything they say (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
430. Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."
431. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
432. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
433. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
434. Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach."
435. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
436. Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you.
437. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
438. Draw mustaches on posters.
439. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
440. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
441. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
442. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
443. Say, "Now how did that get there?" while in the bathroom
444. Go up to someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
445. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
446. Make scary faces at babies.
447. Scare the dogs that are in cars
448. Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space."
449. Look up see how many people you can get to look up
450. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
451. Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your ass.
452. Smell smoke often and announce it.
453. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
454. Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going.
455. Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane
456. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.
457. Tell strangers that they're "putting on weight nicely."
458. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
459. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants.
460. Tell people they have bad breath.
461. Tell teenagers how things were in your day
462. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
463. Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
464. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
465. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
466. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
467. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!"
468. Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
469. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation
470. Ask if you can buy a shopping cart.
471. Constantly wink at a person you don't know. Follow them around and blow kisses to them.
472. Get a dish towel and bucket and sit on the floor singing "It's a hard knock life for us!"
473. Play blind chicken with 12 friends putting a blind fold on one and them having that person trying to find you.
474. Start Humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Theme song. Whenever someone looks at an item near you scream "TUTLE POWER" and run away as fast as you can.
475. Run up to a new employee in the pet aisle and point to an invisible cash register and say "Hey you! That cash register over there, well um, I think it's magic! It made my little sister (or brother if you have one) disappear!" Wait and see what they say and the expression on their face.
476. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." When you’re in the bathroom
477. Walk up to a person and say I'm the FBI and I heard that you have been shoplifting and we need to check you.
478. When a woman with children walks near you in the toy aisle, throw yourself on the floor, screaming "mommy, I want that toy"
479. Try to fly on a broom. If anyone asks what you are doing tell them in a very annoyed voice, "the brooms don't work!"
480. Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell "Its gonna get me!"
481. Find a parent with her kid in the shopping cart. Point at the kid and ask the parent, "What aisle are they selling these on?"
482. Pour bubble bath into the fountains in the garden section.
483. run around the store yelling I'm a princess while holding a toy wand.
484. Asking a store clerk “how much?” 3 times after they give you the price.
485. After using the restroom and washing my hands, wet one of your hands then walk up to someone and grab their arm with your soaking wet hand and say, "Don't you just hate it when you pee all over yourself?"
486. when walking down an isle and some stranger is walking behind you bolt around suddenly and say, "Are you following me? Why are you following me?"
487. walk up to strangers that are eating something and ask if you can have a bite. I swear, 50% say no but the other 50% stick it in your face and say "sure!"
488. speak in monotone and laugh in monotone and in rhythm. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
489. Put an empty box on your head and yell, "I am BOXPERSON!" and run around making your own hero-music.
490. Write messages of doom on the sides of random soup cans.
491. Sit down in the cereal aisle and start opening and dumping out cereal. When someone asks what you're doing, say, "I'm looking for the prizes!".
492. Throw tomatoes at people and yell, "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!".
493. Bring items from other stores and put them on the shelves
494. Skip around merrily and hug people
495. Run full-tilt into the candy aisle, grab a 5-pack of Tic-Tacs, and wave them aloft as you proclaim, "At last! The final ingredient! Now I will rule the world!"
496. Walk up to someone, shaking uncontrollably, and stutter as you ask where to find the caffeine pills.
497. Snatch and open a box of pancake mix, scream, "LIES! THERE ARE NO PANCAKES HERE!" and throw handfuls of powder at people.
498. Put 'Caution: Wet floor' signs in very strange places, i.e. on top of shelves, in the parking lot, etc.
499. Put a box on your head and lie down in the middle of an aisle.
500. SHOP no jk the real thing is Stand outside the door with a sign that says "The devil is in our Wal-marts! Repent!"
501. play with hats (Me and Carolyn)
502. ask people if they know why twinkies come in packs of two. when they dont know tell them because god put two of every animal on the ark. act as serious as posible. (Carolyn Drozda)
503. Watch obese women beat the shit out of their children when they ask for a candy bar
504. me and my friend went up to random people saying
"Hello, fellow traveler!" following with a cult salute
(Slap your chest with your right hand and then hit your forehead --thumb first-- vertically really fast, then, from the forehead slowly extend hand towards them --descending--) Or u can make one up! _ (Laura Tormos)
505.Put mannequins, dolls, action figures, stuffed animals, in compromising positions.
506. Put little girl/boy underpants in dirty old men's carts while they aren't looking.
507. Arrange fruits and vegetables into provocative art (o)(o).
508. Put an Easy Bake oven in the Bar-B-Que area.
509. Put condoms on the bananas, carrots, and cucumbers.
510. I used to do this one to my nephew's car stereo. Set all the preset stations on the stereos to the religious channel.
511. Put headphones on stuffed animals, dolls, other strange items like a flowerpot and pretend to rock out with it.
512. Open a box of envelopes, lick a couple and put them back. If someone asks tell them there is an alert for LSD on some of them.
513. Put a lost child poster in the photo department asking if anyone has seen this child in their pictures.
514. Some stores have carts with damaged items and a sign that says reduced price. Find expensive stuff and put in these carts.
515. Put sunglasses on random stuff, i.e. dolls, stuffed animals, a box of crackers?
516. Mix one bottle of shampoo with another. Works great with different colors.
517. Find a sexy love storybook and find a page that is really juicy and put a bookmark in it.
518. Get a pack of stick-it-notes and see how many people you can stick them too before you get caught.
519. Classic from Adam Sandler - Big Daddy. Drop cans of food and dent them. At checkout ask for a reduced price.
520. Crank up all the emergency flashlights and leave them on.
521. Put something under the bottom (you know where everyone forgets to look) of someone's cart (preferably a small electronic item with security tag) see if they don't notice it when they go out of the store.
522. Put stick it notes on the posters with girls in skimpy bikinis to cover up provocative body parts. You can do the same thing to DVD's, books, magazines, CD's, etc. Variation would be tape and Pokemon cards.
523. Get a stuffed animal (a dog, of course) and walk up behind people and make it smell their ass. When they look at you funny say bad dog.
524. Put condoms and Vaseline or some lube in a cart then leave it in the little girl/boy underpants isle.
525. Put adult diapers on mannequins or other strange items (maybe a box of fiber cereal.)
526. Find items that are age appropriate for your grandma and start filling a cart then leave it in the automotive department.
527. Start filling a cart with things like rope, duct tape, plastic bags; zip ties (things that look like kidnap and murder) then leave them in the little girl/boy department.
528. If you know origami, find the biggest piece of paper you can find in the art isle and start folding something. I don't know what that is? K.I.S.S. Fold a giant plane and fly it around.
529. Open a kite, build it, and start running, trying to get it to fly.
530. During holidays my wife and I like to find the animals that dance, sing, whatever they do and try each and every one of them.
531. During Christmas, open random boxes of lights and remove one light from each string, hide them on the shelf somewhere.
532. Variation to the Christmas lights, take one light from different colors (all red, all green) and switch them out.
533. On the test cameras (digital, of course) take inappropriate pictures of girls (like close ups of tits and ass) and leave them on the camera. If you got the balls, BA one of them. Off the Wal-Mart path a little. This works at cell phone stores also.
534. Take a quarter and super glue it to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up.
535. Super glue Barbie's face to Ken's crotch. Reminds me of a joke. A little girl asks her dad for Barbie with a GI Joe. Daddy asks, doesn't Barbie come with Ken? No, mommy says Barbie only comes with GI Joe.
536. Get KY Jelly Warming or Tingling Sensation and put it on random stuff.
537. Get a vibrator duct tape it to a toothbrush, and with a stick-it-not, write redneck toothbrush, put in on a shelf somewhere.
538. Take a universal remote in with you, one that has a code search feature (mine lets me push power until the code is found) stand back and shut off all the TVs. Charter Cable remote has a System Off button, once you find all the codes, you can shut everything off with one button.
539. An oldie but a goody. Ask an employee (older ones know this joke) if they have Mr. Clean in a bottle? When they say yes, tell them you better let him out.
540. Some of the fish in the tanks are "schooling fish." Take your finger on the glass and make them go back and forth until an employee asks you to stop.
541. Pick up random stuff and just start smelling it. Works great with CD and DVD's.
542. Get some caution tape and start closing off random isles.
543. Get bottles of ginseng, ginkgo biloba, and other memory products and ask an employee "Where are these?" Wander off a little, then go back and ask them again until they catch on.
544. Take a camera and start taking pictures of random customers. When they ask you what you are doing, ask them if they want to be in a commercial?
545. Take a bike and lay it down in an isle, start screaming, "Have you seen my child?"
546. Take caution tape and tape off the lawn furniture, bar-b-ques, random stuff.
547. Try out all the fitness equipment until an employee asks you to stop, tell them you have a membership.
548. Too many products have this now but find things that have a description in Spanish and start facing all the boxes out that way.
549. Get lingerie and put it on stuffed animals or other random stuff. Maybe a box of Special K. Get it?
550. Take lingerie on hangers and hang it in the little girls/boys section.
551. Put pennies in the piggy banks and rattle them until you see a kid notice then walk away.
552. Go to the greeting cards and mix them up so inappropriate ones are mixed in with like children's ones. Works with the magazines, books, DVD's, etc. also.
553. You know the music section with the bar code scanners that play a sample of the music? Oh yeah, you know what to do. Polka anyone?
554. Go in with shorts, shirt, and flip-flops. Go to the bath department. Take your shirt off (ladies, use a bikini with no straps) wrap yourself in a towel and walk around.
555. Stand at the door, ask people for their receipts, and then sign them like you just gave them an autograph. (Use a fake signature for God's sake)
556. Halloween is great. A variation to hiding in racks and popping out is even better with a mask. I bet you wouldn't even get in trouble.
557. Take whip cream (the whip-it stuff) and put on the mouths of stuffed animals like they are rabid.
558. I had a friend that we called Wal-Mart Brian. He used to go in and rip off the power tools that were on display (with the cut-off cords) I guess it is really easy to rewire them.
559. If you are under-age, go in and ask for cigarettes. When they ask for ID tell them "You passed" and point to someone who looks official and nod.
560. Walk around and look for every security camera you can find then take a few to just stand there and look up at them. (Wear sunglasses for effect)
561. Go to the luggage department where the duffle bags are. Take a big bag and start putting a smaller, then smaller, and smaller bag inside each other. Go to the checkout and look totally surprised when they start opening them.
562. Go to the jewelry cases and ask to look at a watch. Put it on and act like you are modeling it (you know, the silly hand gestures) then keep asking for different ones and do the same thing. When you are asked, tell them you do hand modeling. (505 - 562 thomas)
1.Do not introduce self as role-playing character in public.
2.Do not talk to fictional characters in public.
3.Do not answer fictional characters in public.
4. Do not talk to inanimate objects in public.
5. Do not go out in public.
6. Disregard above note. Perform numbers 1 to 4. Take note of 18 first.
8.Don't die alone. Take many people with you.
9.Floor is slippery when wet.
10.Lake is slippery when dry.
11.Only talk to strangers you know.
12.Strangers you don't know are spies... Kill them all!
13.For legal purposes be sure to delete/eat/burn above note. (Do not do these things to computer though)
14.Tell people about the spies that are trying to kill you.
15.Kill them for security purposes. Unless they are mad.
16.Crying does not solve anything. Try violent mood swings.
17.Make a scene whenever inhumanly possible.
18.The men in white coats are not your friends. Especially if they are from Itex.
19.Ask them for a room with lots of sharp, pointy objects.
20.When that doesn't work, ask for a designer jacket and sunglasses.
21.Chicken soup, although good for colds, is not the best for drowning in; Try lemonade.
22.Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. Pyromania rules.
23.Unlike fine wine, milk does not get better with age.
24.Always remember, um... um... Damn. Something.
25.Train army of flying monkeys, or kidnap the flock.
26.Goldfish don't like milk. Cats like both.
27.Do not maim people. If you already have, kill them to avoid lawsuits.
28.Find out who invented the word "antidisestablishmentarianism".
29.People are staring at you.
30.So act crazy.
31.Lies are weird, but not as weird as the truth. Which can be found at the bottom of a duck pond.
32.Do not taunt animals at zoo. They have feelings... And teeth. Very sharp. Oww... nasty teeth, baaaaaaaad...
33.Little people are aggressive. Stay away from little people. NOT! Become friends with all little people you meet.
34.Going through other people's stuff is a bonding experience. Do this as much as possible.
35.You'll sometimes notice shadows late at night. Don't worry. It's only me... Bonding.
36.Never pet a burning dog. Never burn a petting dog. Or do both.
37.Never make eye contact with a naked man. Especially if you are wearing a parka.
38.Naked men dig parkas.
39.Beware the naked man who offers you his parka.
40.You know what would look good on you?
42.Don't worry. It's only a harmless blob.
43.The size of Danny DeVito. Plus fangs.
44.Make an amusing facial expression. Like this: O.o
45.Numbers are evil. Count in clovers.
46.Stalking is fun. Do it more. Take a camera.
47.Make a large sign saying, "Bow down in awe of the Holy Winged Splodge". Count how many weird looks you get.
48.No matter what anyone says, there is a way to get to your fantasy world.
49.That way is a sugar high. Alternatively, eat cheese. Then go to sleep
50. Double espressos are good. Apart from when you need to sleep. Then they are bad.
52.You cannot kill the snow.
53.The snow can kill you.
54.Grass can also kill you. Fear the green.
55.The policeman said I can't have his gun... so I bought one and he took it away...
56.Catch person who sold me gun and get a refund. Or kill them. Whichever is better fun.
57.HE is real... No matter what the men in white coats say.
58.Staple paper in the middle of the page.
59.In case of blank looks, laugh maniacally.
60.You are not a vampire, werewolf, empress, god or anything like that.
61.Pretend to be so around people.
62.Do not go out with Voice #7. He is a sadistic, soul sucking demon.
63.Disregard last note. Go out with demon. Who needs a soul anyway?
64.Ask Senior Diablo for a bigger pitchfork.
65.Remember to kill HIM...
66.Tell the small children in Toys 'R' Us that the dolls have an insatiable thirst for blood.
67.Note reactions. Avoid parents.
68.The blood of infants gives unholy superpowers according to Jhonen C. Vasquez. Test theory.
69.Scream, the doctors don't like it, they'll give you a shot of something nice.
70.Hide the bodies, otherwise people ask embarrassing questions.
71.Eat the evidence.
72.But not if it's broken glass.
73.When in the presence of someone much wiser than you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Then run
74.Do not tell children that the flying spaghetti monster is out to get them with his friend; the flying mutant cheese blob.
75.Disregard last note.
77.On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
78.Stock up on ball point pens.
79.Learn to fly. Tell no one.
80.The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.
81.Do not stick fingers into blender.
82.Blender... Bad... Ouch.
83.Blood loss is bad.
84.Find way to re-attach fingers.
85.Scream as much as humanly possible at 2AM.
86.Answer every question with a question.
87.Ask people what time they are from.
89.Refer to people as "mortal".
90.The Seagull From Hell is out to get me.
91.Kill all enemies in most disturbing way possible.
92.Start by drowning them in fire ants.
93.Find the creators of pop-up messages.
95.Brutally. By force-feeding them baked beans.
96.Teachers don't like finding notes on world domination. So give them a copy of your death notes book.
97.Dunk head in boiling water.
98.Disregard last note. Was written by Voice #7.
99.Gullible IS written on the ceiling!
100.Investigate this whole "critical mass" thing when the klaxon dies down...
95 of all teens would go into a panic if the Jonas brothers were on a 100 foot building about to jump. copy and paste this if you are one of the 5 who brought popcorn and invited friends.
92% of American teens would die if ambercrombie and Fitch/American eagle told them that it was uncool to breathe. if you are one of the 8 that would stand there laughing, copy this into your profile.
IF YOU HATE TWILIGHT WITH A BURNING PASSION AS HOT AS THE SUN COPY AND PASTE THIS ONTO YOUR PROFILE.
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, The Astrology Nerd, brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, The Gypsy-Pirate Queen Teetering On The Brink Of Insanity Past The Point Of No Return ManLife Sucks, Avatarwolf, danyan, Colt-Man, 24kt White Gold, fourfourfourfour, Recalled to Life, Hyperactive Lioness, Scalec, DuncanxCourtney4ever, TrueJackVP408, ultimateTORINOR, Shadowed Theatre, Kool Broadway Reader, Auroral Sea,tdifreak55, KTDLover, ByrdClaw
WARNING: MAY NEED TISSUES FOR THESE:
A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl:Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy:No, this is fun.
Girl:No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy:Then tell me you love me.
Girl:I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this into your profile if you would do this for someone you love.
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.
You know what Mommy
I'm a girl!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!
I am okay.
I am in God's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.
If you're against abortion, re-post this
Research shows that 92 of today's population have moved on to rap. If you are one of the 8 that stayed with rock, metal, pop, country, or alternative, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy this on your profile.
If you are crazy and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile.
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?"
98 percent of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.
If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped up the stairs, copy and paste this into your profile.
93 percent of teenagers would have an emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you are part of the 7 percent that would say "What was your first clue?” copy this onto your profile.
If you have ever walked into a wall, copy this onto your profile
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your sorry butt.
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that stuff up in two seconds. That's why when I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you"
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever wanted to just SLAP someone, copy this into your profile.
95% of the teenage population would be in a crisis if Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, the Jonas Brothers, and Selena Gomez were on top of a 5 story building. Copy and paste this into your profile if you're one of the 5% that would be screaming into a bullhorn, "JUMP, @#!*% , JUMP!!!
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism
REASONS TO JOIN THE DARK SIDE (If you wish to join add this list to your profile)
1. We have cookies (last I checked there was hot chocolate too)
2. You get a cool dark cape that covers your whole body!
3. You get a really cool crazy laugh! Practice with me, people: MWAHAHAHAHA
4. You get to walk out of shadows mysteriously and freak out the good guys!
5. One word: UNDERLINGS! Someone to get things for you when you're too lazy to do them yourself... Now that's the life!
6. Money, Money, Money : Ever notice that we are usually much richer than the good guys?
7. WORLD DOMINATION! THE BEST reason!
Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat, Grandma.
IT SAVES LIVES.
f you have ever yelled at an inanimate object copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are bored and like to write stuff, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If Joe Jonas was about to jump off the Eiffel Tower 95% of all the girls in the world would die. Would you be one of the 5% with popcorn yelling "Do a flip!"?
97% of teens would cry if they saw Robert Patterson (Edward Cullen from Twilight) standing on top of a sky scraper, about to jump. If you're one of the 3% who would sit there eating pop corn screaming "DON'T FORGET THE FLIP!" then copy and paste this to your profile
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you would kill to have wings, post this in your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy and paste this into your profile.
For me, crazy is a VERY LOOSE term. Crazy is when your off in your own little world, and you start to think of something funny that could happen and start laughing, and the people around you turn around and stare at you because you're laughing for no reason. Crazy is also when you start dancing while walking down to your next class to a song you have stuck in your head.Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. If you're crazy like me, copy this to your profile
If you are a MOVIE QUOTER, which means you go around quoting movies for fun, copy and paste this into your profile
EMBRACE THE WEIRDNESS! If you embrace the weirdness, then copy and paste this onto your profile
Too many teenagers have smoked or tried Marijuana, if you haven't, put this in your profile
If you want to see the world someday, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.
If several inanimate objects hate you post this on profile.
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.
If you think the Cocoa Puff Turkey Bird thing shoud go to rehab, copy this into your profile.
If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.
I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you don't watch Laguna Beach, The O.C., or The Hills, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile. (what are these?)
90% of teens today would die if Myspace/Facebook had a system failure and was completely destroyed...If you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this to your Profile. (if fanfiction failed... thats another story)
Random saying things
Never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If you can stay calm when everything around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.
Kid, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?"
Whoever said "anything is possible" never tried to slam a revolving door.
Whoever said "words don't hurt" have obviously never had a hard-backed encyclopedia hurled at their head.
Parents spend the first half of your life teaching you to walk and talk, and the other half telling you to sit down and shut up.
Flying is very simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
PMS - Possible Murder Suspect
As I lay in bed looking at the twinkling stars above me, I think, "Where the hell is my ceiling?"
I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on Ebay.
There are easier things to do in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jelly to a tree, for instance.
A wise man once said, "I don't know, go ask a woman."
I'm not so good with advice. May I offer a sarcastic comment?
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh harder.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
If aliens are looking for intelligent life? WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SCARED?!
The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a fast approaching train.
Taste the rainbow - Eat CRAYONS!
People say I've lost my sanity, but I can't lose what I never had.
The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas...
You're just jealous 'cause the voices talk to me not you
Nine out of the ten voices in my head agree that I'm insane. The tenth is off chasing cars.
The voices in my head don’t like you.
Love bites and so do I
If you think I'm crazy you should meet my mother
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner! Person #2: Too bad the world is round!
Growing old is mandatory . . . growing up is optional . . .
We fall for stupid boys, we make lots of dumb mistakes, we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But we teenage girls are good at 2 things: Staying Strong, and Being Ourselves.
When nothing goes right... go left.
I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me.
You cant spell 'BEAUTIFUL' without 'BE U'
Be the type of woman, that when your feet land on the floor when you get out of bed in the morning, the devil thinks: "Oh, crap! She's up!"
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid
Anyone: Go to hell! You: I did. But Hell was full, so I came back
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now.
WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? That's a really good question... I wonder...
This is dedicated to all those awkward moments.
That awkward moment when you trip over. . . air.
That awkward moment when you realize that bacon is the main reason why you are not a vegetarian.
That awkward moment when your crush asks you who you like.
That awkward moment when someone shows up in your dream and you can barely look them in the eye the next day. (I don't like remembering that dream...)
That awkward moment when someone you're not very close with is crying and you awkwardly look around, not knowing what to do.
That awkward moment when you realize that you're more than a little obsessed with a book series about six flying kids and their flying, talking dog.
That awkward moment when you walk into the wrong classroom and everyone stares.
That awkward moment when you dance ballet on pointe and you scream bloody murder when one of your friends steps on your toes.
That awkward moment when you're talking to your friend about someone in the hallway, then realize the person is walking behind you.
That awkward moment when you're trying to walk pass the person who broke your heart with dignity, and crash into someone.
That awkward moment when you miss the bus and get to the bus stop, and turn around and walk home like an idiot.
That awkward moment when someone asks you for gum and you have gum but don't want to give it to them.
That awkward moment when no one understands what you're trying to say so you give up.
That awkward moment when you get shoved into the ballet barre by accident and think you broke your ribs.
That awkward moment when you and your friends attempt the coffee grinder and fall on your butts.
That awkward moment when you meow at a cat until they meow back.
That awkward moment when you wear skinny jeans because it was cold this morning, but like 100 degrees after school.
That awkward moment when you tap yourself in the face with a pen, not realizing you forgot to put the cap on.
That awkward moment when you see your teacher in public and try to hide.
That awkward moment when someone mixes up 'your' and 'you're' and you flip out.
That awkward moment when you glue fake nails onto your real nails over the weekend, and regret it when you realize you have flute lessons on Monday.
That awkward moment when you have to pee while watching your favorite show but can't tear yourself away.
That awkward moment when Matt Dillon was much hotter when he was younger.
That awkward moment when you see someone waving to you and wave back, only to realize they're waving at someone behind you.
That awkward moment when you have to sit next to a guy in health while watching a really sexual video.
That awkward moment when you accidentally over-spend on iTunes and only realize when your angry parents leave the bill on your bed.
That awkward moment when people are planning their future weddings, and you're busy planning the names of your future 72 cats.
That awkward moment when your friend asks you to go with them to the bathroom and it's silent and you awkwardly hear them pee.
That awkward moment when your dog follows you around the house for the sole purpose of chewing on your Snuggie as it drags behind you.
That awkward moment when you realized you put something on inside out after your friend points it out to you at the END of the day and you realize you've been looking stupid all day.
That awkward moment when you walk into the dressing room at Victoria's Secret and STRIP is plastered on the mirror in neon pink letters and suddenly you don't want to try it on anymore.
That awkward moment when you see an old lady checking out the thongs at Victoria's Secret.
That awkward moment when you ask everyone around you to borrow a pencil, and no one has one for you.
That awkward moment when you're watching a movie and a sexual scene comes on right when your parents walk in.
That awkward moment when everyone's New Year's resolution is to drop weight or something, and yours is to not miss a single episode of Pretty Little Liars this season.
That awkward moment when you see someone staring at you, and turn away, but when you look back five minutes later they're still staring.
That awkward moment when you realize that you've promised to room with five different people for the band trip to Hershey Park.
That awkward moment when you put your hair up and there's ONE tiny flaw but you're bent on utter perfection and do it over again.
That awkward moment when someone's telling you a story and you realize, halfway through, how little you care.
That awkward moment when you vent to someone about how mad you are at your friend then realize it was your friends' boyfriend and you know he is going to tell her then swear and your parent hears you.