ClassyAsBollocks
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Joined 05-10-12, id: 3999152, Profile Updated: 08-09-12
Author has written 8 stories for Hetalia - Axis Powers.

Hello all. I am a sentient life form sent here to bore all of you to tears with my plotless drivel. Well, not exactly. I meant about me being some sort of alien. Well, I suppose that I'm not completely incompetent. Just mostly incompetent. Well, here's some information about me (because who doesn't want random information about some anonymous person)?

Age: Older than I look. I look perpetually baby-faced despite my increasing age. I may or may not be an unaging antique.

Real Name: No can do, my fine friends. However, you may refer to me as "That paranoid wench who won't divulge her real name."

Race/Ethnicity: I am the result of years of alcohol-induced key parties had by the three main racial classifications of humans. And with perhaps a sheep or two thrown into the mix. Whenever I am asked to fill out a census form, I merely draw a picture of a genetic scientist burning.

Things I've heard/said/heard and then said:

-The cake is a lie:Roughly translates to "your promised reward is merely a fictitious motivator."

The British gentleman's definition of the term 'Booty Call": A late night summons -- often made via telephone -- to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis.

-Nigga moments are the 3rd leading cause of black man's death after pork chops
and FEMA.

-Oh, she's beautiful, without a doubt. But most beautiful in the world? Mere opinion! I can assure you that at this very moment, for every man looking at her picture and masturbating, there are an equal number of men wishing that she resembled their mother more.

-He needs you to give him the old plastic phallic doohickey in the orifice act.

-My test results say that I scored Humphrey Bogart. What do you make of that?

-I know that they're only human. Humanity and its current condition disturbs me greatly.

-I wasn't born with enough middle fingers...

-The Dick Slang dance..A bizarre new way to come out from the closet? Fun new way to compare length? An attempt to fly using your pecker as a propeller? Homoerotic hazing ritual? Or just boredom and idiocy combined with wanting to show the world the state of your flaccid penis? You decide!

-Not now son, I'm making...TOAST!

-Take immature, stupid people, usually inexperienced with drinking, put them in a party, let them have all of the free alcohol they want. SOMEONE is getting something shoved up their ass.

-Almost as soon as I get home for Spring Break, I get a summons for jury duty. This government is full of twats and sadists.

-You couldn't possibly sound any stupider right now even if you were reading the advertisement for the abomination known as the Twilight-inspired dildo. And that advertisement is touting the joys of squandering good money on a glittery faux-vampire phallus that can be placed in an icebox for "realistic sensation." Think about that for a moment.

-I swear, she couldn't even write the manual for a butt-plug...

-Suck E Cheeses: An obvious pastiche of Chuck E. Cheese's. Home of arcade games, ball pits, mediocre pizza, creepy costumed characters, and really bad animatronics. Reached its peak in the 80s but got bad publicity as a hunting ground for pedophiles.

-If Rebecca Black ever wins an award, Kanye, you know what to do.

-I was under the impression that hipsters were the new common enemy. I want a video game where you can shoot their glasses and mustaches off.

-Surrealism in painting amounted to little more than the contents of a meagerly stocked dream world; a few witty fantasies, mostly wet dreams and agoraphobic nightmares.

-It's interesting how often cult leaders tend to shag minors. Must be something in the Kool-Aid...You know, besides the cyanide.

-I just purchased five kilograms of apples, ten packages of caramel, and one hundred razor blades, which can mean only one thing; Halloween is coming!

-Farmville: Its just like being a real farmer, only WITHOUT THE BENEFITS!

-Whatever you look at while you masturbate is porn. Like the ceiling, for instance. Sicko.

-BrokenCYDE is living the dream; epically trolling everyone with their music AND getting rich off of it. Don't hate them for what they're doing, hate them for the fact that they thought of it before any of us did.

-Not only do the girls on this floor sound like they're getting shagged while they're having a cataclysmic case of the hershey squirts, they don't even have the decency to wash their hands afterwards. Ugh.

-As everyone knows, there's only one thing that can end racism: laughter. Or fire. This book is a ready source of both. Read it with someone you hate.

-He asked if I would ever consider getting back together with him. I told him to whistle for a cab and go home to Bel-Air.

MORE about me (because I am just so BLOODY INTERESTING):

I like to laugh. My tastes in humour vary from the nonsenical (non-sequiturs, deliberate idiocy, insane imagine spots, etc) to satire, dark comedy, acerbic wit/sarcasm, deadpan delivery, real-life comedic examples (what's funnier/crazier than the madness that happens in day to day life, am I right?) and a bit(okay, maybe more than just a bit) of bawdiness. Mostly though, I just like to get those forms of comedy incredibly drunk so that they'll all merge together in a grotesque display of coitus, thus creating a monster all its own. Fun, eh? You know what they say: candy is dandy but liquor is quicker! *Note: I in no way advocate getting your potential bedmates smashed so that they'll have lowered inhibitions towards getting their freak on/beer goggles so that you don't appear quite so hideous. Ahem. You are probably (not) wondering just what the hell nationality I am, what with my unfounded refusal to show on this profile what country I hail from. I will summarize by saying that I was raised to be quintessentially English despite being conceived/born in the U.S. It's a long but surprisingly simple story, although I shall not regale you with it. Seriously, it's so simple it's boring. Boring. As. Fuck. So yes, my accent is...Unique, to say the least and my spelling/grammar/slang is more or less British. With a dash of Dutch, Japanese, French and Spanish slang thrown into the mix. Like I said earlier, drunken key party. Damn orgies...

Favorite anime/manga/cartoons/live-action television programs/movies/books: Hetalia, Shiki, Mermaid Saga, Le Portrait de Petit Cossette, Panty and Stocking w/ Garterbelt, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Boku no Sexual Harassment (I pretty much watched that only for the infamous corn scene and goodness, was it brilliant. And scarring. Gives new meaning to the term cornhole...), Gunslinger Girl, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Sailor Moon, Tenchi Muyo, Rurouni Kenshin, Tokyo Redhood, Elfen Lied, Invader Zim, Ed Edd n Eddy, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Time Squad, Tiny Toon Adventures, Duck Tales, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Tom and Jerry, Batman Beyond, Rocko's Modern Life, Animaniacs, The Pink and the Brain, Beavis and Butthead, Charlie and Lola, Aaahh! Real Monsters, Dexter's Laboratory, The Critic, Rocket Power, Rugrats (the earlier seasons), Doug (the original Disney version), Ka Blam, Hey Arnold, Johnny Bravo, The Powerpuff Girls, Pepper Ann, X-Men Evolution, The Ren & Stimpy Show, The Boondocks, Robot Chicken, Perfect Hair Forever, Metalocalypse, Sabrina the Animated Series, Ned's Newt, Teen Titans, The Simpsons, Adventure Time with Finn and Jake, Flapjack, Dr. Who, Merlin, House, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Moonlight, The Tudors, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Game of Thrones, The Sopranos, Criminal Minds, Final Witness, How I Met Your Mother, The War at Home, Shameless (U.K. and U.S. version), The Office (moreso the U.K. version), Goosebumps, The King of Queens, The Chapelle Show, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Stepbrothers, Goon, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Dogma, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Superbad, The Ring (original Japanese version), Ju-on, 30 Days of Night, Freddy Kreuger (ESPECIALLY Freddy vs Jason, bitches), Halloween, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Inception,The Most Extreme, Animal Cops, Beauty and the Beast (I like my Disney, sue me), Pocahontas (historically innaccurate though it may be), The Mask, Ace Ventura, Cruel Intentions, Shaun of the Dead (that movie is so beautiful), Matilda, Austin Powers (all of them), Little Nicky, Bruce Almighty, Kill Bill, Mean Girls, Zoolander, The Dark Knight, Pirates of the Caribbean, Sweeney Todd, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Corpse Bride, The Royal Tenenbaums (sighs wistfully), The Darjeeling Limited, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, The Promotion, The Incredibles, Shrek, Eurotrip, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, I Love You Phillip Morris (lulz at its finest), John Tucker Must Die, Pulp Fiction (pure awesomesauce is all I can say), 21 Jump Street (yays!), Jackass franchise (professional idiots purposefully injuring themselves; lowbrow but entertaining), Pineapple Express, Kick-Ass, Super (this must be seen at least once), Death at a Funeral (both U.K. and U.S. versions), Bean, Mr. Bean's Holiday, Hot Fuzz, The Brood, Jeepers Creepers (love this franchise!), Last House on the Left, Chakushin Ari, Let the Right One In (original Swedish film all the way!), Hostel Pt. II, By Blood Written, The Forest of Hands and Teeth, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, A Song of Ice and Fire, The Taking, The Dunwich Horror, The Shadow Over Innsmouth, The Call of Cthulhu, The Rats in the Walls, Pet Sematary, Salem's Lot, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (Squee!), The Hollows Series, It, The Portrait of Dorian Grey and many others.

Favorite Bands (I include this because I can *evil laugh*):

Aesthetic Perfection, Combichrist, Anatomy of a Ghost, Dethklok, The Birthday Massacre, Blind Fool Love, The Killers, A Thorn For Every Heart, Aria, Disturbed, Beat Radio, Modest Mouse, Camille Saint-Saëns, Beethoven, Hillsong, Vivaldi, Lady Antebellum, LM.C, TCY FORCE, Circus Contraption, Ninety Steps, Centhron, Jack's Mannequin, Kobe, The Mascara Story, Silverstein, Taking Back Sunday, Death Cab For Cutie, A Vain Attempt, Nirvana, Amon Amarth, Rammstein, Skinny Puppy, Cradle of Thorns, Finger Eleven, Enigma, a-ha, The Human League, t.A.T.u, At the Drive-In, From First to Last, Funeral for a Friend, From Autumn to Ashes, The Juliana Theory, Vocaloid (not exactly a band, but the characters have got some great songs, especially Gumi), Noise Ratchet, Greeley Estates, 20 Bulls Each, Screeching Weasel, Clawfinger, Lorna, Hansebanger, Disco Pogo, I could go on. As you can see, my musical tastes are highly eclectic. It doesn't matter the genre, if I like the beat/lyrics, I like the song.

Aaaaaaaaand...That's it. Hmm, that's quite a lot of information for someone who refuses to let their name be known. What to do you know...

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Mad Love reviews
One day in the Ambiguous Stereotypical Locale Country, Ivan falls in love at first punch with a violent girl from the Hungarian Stereotype Sector. Sadly, his enthusiasm (and erection) scare her away, causing him to run through several other stereotype sectors in puruit of her. He encounter a Dutch drug dealer, an American border policeman, and a trio of ethnic minority assassins.
Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 9,609 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 2/9/2013 - Published: 1/8/2013 - Russia, Hungary
Good News and Bad News reviews
Arthur Kirkland sits his twin sons Alfred and Matthew down to tell them that he and their mother are getting divorced. He goes about this in a manner about as tactful as shoving a hot poker up someone's ass, with very messy results, as they grow up to be maladjusted sociopaths. Apparently, a trip to Disneyland doesn't quite make up for discovering that your parents love was a sham
Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 889 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 4 - Published: 11/21/2012 - England/Britain, Canada - Complete
The Worst Bedtime Story Ever reviews
Once upon a time, Alfred woke up in a dumspter full of hospital waste. He consults a churro-seller named Jesús and rides a shopping trolley down the street, causing a horrible traffic accident. His needless destruction not done, he then goes into a roid-rage and slaughters his family in an over-the-top manner. Good thing they're immortal, eh. "This story eludes me! Fuck you, kid."
Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,406 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 1 - Published: 11/21/2012 - America, England/Britain - Complete
England's Mushroom Samba reviews
On his way to sit in on a lecture about English literature at Oxford University, Arthur makes a detour when a man in a neon-orange slicker offers to sell him some magic mushrooms. Unfortunately, he was so excited by the word magic that he wound up ingesting almost three times the recommended dosage. Watch as Arthur commits numerous atrocities in his drug-fueled rampage.
Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,684 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: 11/20/2012 - England/Britain - Complete
HetaliAvenue Q reviews
Hetalia characters re-enact their own slightly edited versions of Avenue Q scenes, tackling the touchy subjects of racism, sexuality, pornography, and useless college degrees using the power of song! First up: Denmark and Norway perform Nicky and Rod's classic "If You Were Gay".
Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 18,650 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 8/8/2012 - Published: 7/25/2012 - America, Spain