Author has written 49 stories for Beyblade, Tsubasa Chronicle, Fairy Tales, Naruto, and Fullmetal Alchemist.
those of you who has seen my profile before, may wonder what has happened. well, it has happened that I wanted to write some more, and there was no room anymore.
I'm not the same person why started writing this profile, I used to be much more driven not to give up. I was fighting. now I am just dropping my masks and walls. because it doesn't matter anymore. there is still times I don't want to die, there is times I want to and then there is those long periods when I wouldn't care one way or another. and this place used to be a place to get away from my life, other to read something nice or write something out of my system. but it's drained now. because people just don't care to think about others views enough much. and it sucks. and for old times sake, I just had to put this little rant here, partly hidden from eyes. because I used to hide everything. I want a smoke now. but I don't have any and have never had any.
but the little info you may want to know from earlier: I have personal half god, shorter phg. I like earthworms. and ice cream. I was in an army for a year, and right now I am on summer holiday. first one in long long time. since trust me, it ain't holiday if my mother is around. that being the reason why I always liked so much to be at school.
hmm. actually, that is all I can think of to say right now. but if earlier data is to be believed, I will coma back to type something random again. and by that, I really mean random. since why would I really want to put something about me in here? and yeah, maybe since it was so much asked, I will bother to put dates to mark when I have wrote something. I won't promise, but we'll see if I recall to do that. now, I hope you all ain't being boiled like I am.
or I would stop, but my net died, so I can upload this before it is reconnected. but I can write in the meanwhile.
dam di dam dam... *whistling* well, I am not that good whistler, so enough of it. oh, a word of experience. food coloring won't give you a nice blue hair even if it is blue and it colors your fingers. I tried. not sure why though... just a line I tried, not the whole head. not like I am a moron (or so I like to think. well, sometimes I like to think I am. well, maybe not like to think, but let's just go with that, since the connection is now back and we can all go do something else for now). see ya!
oh man. I have read few of the stories I have wrote, and well. I won't comment on the stories, but have you noticed that my ANs are totally bizarre? I mean, most of the time it seems I am high, on drugs or just some other way twisted.
yeah. I am trying to finish all the ongoing multichip thingys. and a bird just flew on the balcony. luckily it also managed to fly out. wonderful how they can manage to get in from an open window, but to get out they have to run to every other glass than the open one before they can leave. you think it would be good idea of me to have another cup of coffee? that reminds me, I wrote oneshot last night, and I have no idea how bad it really turned out to be. and I don't dare to read it. because I have already 34 stories under my name (plus the ones I have favorite). you can see all those right under this profile text. and I wouldn't want to remove it. so now I am just hoping and waiting that someone would review it. but even more I am hoping that someone, thanks phg for helping with the game, would agree to help me upgrade my foodtruck so I could continue the game. of course, I don't know what the helper really need to do, but is it really that much bother? I like the game... sniff. and I have pretty much asked everyone I know to help already. one dude and cousin remains... yes, I might be a bit too much into the game. but heck, I like it, so it's good. or not but whatever. now I will go back to reading can, so I could continue it without making it all too inconsistent. oh, and this was written on sunday 20th.
august 5th. you know what is nice? well, definitely not summer. I mean, this is finland, no reason to be freaking 30 celsius all the time. me, I am melting. which ain't too nice. and I have to go to mother's place soon, since my big sis is back in the country and I have to go meet her. or they will come here. which I don't want. this is my place, no need for mother to come ruin this place. but it will be so expensive, and troublesome and I know the place will stink. but I get to see my dog. but I have to listen to mother. and she will want to know everything that is going on in my life. like it would be any of her business, I have paid for my own living for the last three years. so screw her. or don't, that would be just very disgusting.
and I have to get her a birthday present before going there. Christ sake... any happy news? nah, I just felt like complaining. but I would like to get the job at lidl. laugh all you want, but job is a job. and anyway, it's better than just sitting on my ass all day. I wouldn't mind being a sales clerk or whatever they are called. and no, since you asked, I still can't do pull-ups, so it's too early to retry on police school. since I was lacking ten points, and I think we all know it will be next to impossible getting those from the literature part, I have to be in a really good shape. and hope that everyone else is not. and then I only need to write my best essay ever to get in. simple as that... but there is too freaking hot to run. and my knee keeps occasionally complaining too. wonder what's it's problem...not like it could have gotten bad just because I fell few times after the surgery in the 'do not fall'-season...
hmm... in the last two night, I have slept a grandious 10 hours total. I know, you are so jealous.
that's all. stay tuned to hear more. or not. no one knows...
new day again. I have just few things to say. one of the best reviews I have had was one I got last night, and it just said type your review here... but it still made me smile like hell, because I found it utterly funny.
and the second thing. they are ruining NCIS. How? they are bringing in this really really annoying and stupid woman. she is supposed to be smart, but she is really just idiotic and plain. so cliché and fake. the episode she first entered I immediately disliked her. I just kept hoping that they would not make her regular. but of course they had to do it T_T stupid.
thirdly I am thirsty and I haven't eaten breakfast yet, because I have been doing other stuff. including reading a book. and enjoying the fact that for once it's not boiling hot here thanks to few hours of rain. sweet.
and I'm pretty sure I could come up with more things to say but sadly I said I would just say few things. and I have done that, so now I must stop.
October: I have been thinking. about the past. the way past. the times when I was young and happy. not the crappy years after that and before current times. I had friends then that I used to visit and play with. in summer I used to visit a friend nearly everyday. I liked her parents nearly as much as my own and I knew the place as well as my own home. I really loved that place. and there was so much fun and so many things to do.
then things somehow got so wrong. there is the about six ruined years. which I don't want to recall, but who won't leave me alone. sure, I met my personal half god during that time, which is great. but the rest of the time, crap. honestly, had there not been manga that I wanted to see to the end, I wouldn't have made it to here. (at this point, I am rather hoping that all of my friends have forgotten I have this page and won't read this. it's enough that I know I am crazy, and that strangers know that I am.)
the funny part is, there isn't really a person who would have been worried about the strange cuts in my arms if I just shrugged it off and gave some lousy explanation. in the army it really got out of hand, but there the cuts were normal, so no one paid attention that mine weren't always reasonable.
why am I telling you this? because I am feeling a lot happier and better nowadays. but the fact is, that I am alone in an apartment, and my lieutenant has bought a carpet knife. tempting.
and I have drank too much coffee today. and I just saw a picture of my old friend with her brother in their old home. we used to play together a lot in the summer. once they fought who I should play with, that whose guest I actually was.
yeah, in those times I was also liked. it felt nice too.
of course, even then there was the dark things. my mother used to yell, and beat my brother. and my godfather was a bit of a pervert, wanting to touch places that no old geezers should touch.
but. back then I used to able to connect with people. I liked people more. I didn't doubt people that much. even though I was afraid and expecting war. I hadn't build this nice wall around myself, hiding most of the pain.
yeah, I am petty person. I still haven't quite gotten over it when one of my friends slapped me in senior high. just because I had wanted to move closer to phg so I could hear what phg said. I was very much offended by that.
I don't like violence. I have seen just enough of it. I don't like telling people how I feel, or how I am doing, because it's not like they would care for real. but I would like to believe (and frankly, be enough stupid) that people are nice. oh well. maybe I should just be satisfied that I don't think people will stab me in the back when I am not facing them. I mean, if they would do it, they would have done it in the army. or, as the threat was, burn me in my sleep. but it didn't happen, so it may not happen.
final note? I shouldn't drink concentrated coffee. and I probably should reconsider not posting this. meh.
November: phg just said that my profile is great. which of course means that I get cocky, thinking I am awesome writer. and naturally the level of my writing goes down the drain. and then I can sell the movie rights with a lot of money and live my life in luxury. which means I will start drinking and get addicted on drugs. and then I am old and my body is ruined and I can hardly move, and my memory is as ruined as white tablecloth with blue ink well falling on it and splashing around. and it will also have pieces of glass on it, so when someone comes to clean it up, the someone will prick fingers and bleed on the white tablecloth.
...anyway. as I was saying. we are walking on thin ice. that is already cracking under your legs. our legs? hmm. maybe then I could trade my bad leg with a better one... hmm.. btw I have tried that walking on thin ice. it's surprisingly cool. I was having a dare contest with a friend. well, actually she was walking towards the middle of the lake. I wanted to make her stop and come back, but reasoning didn't work, so I had to go further until she lost her nerve and went back to shore. I went back reasonably quickly. but I was curious how long would it take from the crack to the sink.
I have something else to say too. last week I lost my homekeys at work. despite trying to find them really hard, and I should be good at finding stuff because I even play find item-game in facebook, they haven't turned up. so I think they were snatched. I got more secure about it since I went and copied a new key. in the normal irony of life, the old key should have appeared right away when the new key was purchased. but it didn't. so someone else is holding on to them. that's my theory. I don't really mind about the key, but I would really like to have the keychain back. I got it when I started in the army, and I bought it from army shop, and managed not to loose it throughout the whole year. even though I twice forgot it in my pocket when I went to camp. and yet I still had it with me when I got back to base. it's a really special keychain.
and for the record, I didn't shed any blood with the carpet knife.
I'm tired. and I have drank coffee again today. because I had drank energy drink for the last three days. had an annoying headache today. that my slow and lazy colleague didn't help. or the dogshit on the floor. it stank.
I just love my job. if it wasn't for the other people, it would be really pleasant.
well. I think that was all the pearls of wisdom I'm willing to loose tonight. adios!
how many times have you hoped that you would have the magic words to make someone feel better? me, I have had that wish more and more often. sadly it just seems that even if there is something good, it is counterstriked with three bad things. and no, I know it sounds very strange but I don't know why.
but let's move on to something else. I haven't quite gotten the clue as to what the new subject would be, so you are welcome to pipe in for suggestions. but for the record, if my hand wouldn't be freezing solid in room temperature I would be typing something of my stories. that didn't come up quite the right way... anyhow. it's rather annoying when the hand does that. all I want to do is bury myself under this blanket completely and stay there. which is a very bad idea because the air gets bad rather soon.
anyhow. that's all. oh, don't believe all that your big sibling says about freaking x-mas present wishes of the other family participants. it seems that even though they hang out a lot together, the sibling can't bother to ask them what they would want and instead just innovates their wishes. and as a result you have used a sheetload of money on presents that they don't really want. and you probably have to run around in the stores with the rest of the population who has gotten false information. because why else would people be looking for presents in December. I know I wouldn't be...
2015: it makes no sense you know. I don't understand it. and apparently I can't fully stop it either. I want it, but I don't want it. the result is then something in between. but as it is so, I can't stop thinking about it. I want it. hell. might as well. wait a sec and we'll see if I do better this time.
oh yes. yes I did do way better. let's anyway see if I can make it just a tad bit better. I know, this used to be funny and joking profile. that's life. well. I couldn't. but now I feel pretty good. I also want to drink coffee. like really bad. and a lot.
yeah. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before, but it makes things so much easier. thank humanity for their great development. now I will go read some random fics, because I am not finding the right edge to continue Code name Armada. but I am working on it.
yeah, here I am again. and now let's be philosophical for a moment (and let's also pretend that I managed to write philosophical correctly myself): ... no, wait, that's not really a philosophical question. what I wanted to think about, is how do you ask something? I mean, I know the words and yes, I can speak. and write. at least kind of. albeit people do seem to have big issues with understanding what I am trying to say. but anyway. I just can't do it. I want to ask for something really badly, but I just can do it. I can't ask someone to see the trouble of granting my wish. so what do I do? I do what I can to get what I want all by myself. and that's a rather lonely way to live. but it's easy way to go when I am alone. then there is no one I could ask anything, so there is no need to ask for anyone. and those are also usually the times when I end up drinking fair share of energy drinks or coffee. right now I try not to drink the second can from the fridge.
yes. I am addicted to energy drinks. even though I know they really have the ability to mess with my heartbeat. but I am curiously waiting if I will one day pass out. that would be interesting experience.
I like maggots too. not all maggots, but the ones that look like Caterpie, those I like. used to pet those when I was a little kid. we had plenty of those around our home.
and I like forests. nothing beats a good big dark forest where you are truly alone and out of sight or hearing distance from all other humans. I don't feel comfortable having too much people around me. above too gets a bit tense. and I hate having anyone behind me. I want to see the people that are close to me.
...I think it's a shame that I can't write with different colours here. that would be cool. and possibly a very sickening thing to look at.
and I think I had better stop writing this, or else there will be three pages of writing and none of it making much sense.
GOD DAMN IT!! and apparently he has. (this is still done on the same day as that previous one. spend just a while on youtube) I happen to like U-KISS. I think they have good songs. I enjoy listening their songs. I haven't tuned to the new ones lately because I haven't found the energy or time to check up on them, just listening the same old songs I like. and what happens. I find out that they aren't as good anymore. I mean, I tried listening one of their new song, and got bored before the first minute was up. maybe that was just me being tired, but c'mon. it's just not the same without Dongho (who I didn't even like that much, mind you. being contradicting enough?) and that AJ is still out, and they have some new kid there (okay, Jun is already 18. if he is born in January.). not that he would suck, but it's just not the same anymore. T_T that looks a bit too happy and cheery for the current feeling, but I don't care to try to adjust it. just imagine the expression.
maybe I should go to bed. or at least turn the computer off...
third of 2015: this will be brief since I have to go to cook. I don't know since when things have gone wrong. but I think it may have been a long time ago. maybe it is my fault. maybe I let people walk over me, and not hold on to my rights. I don't know. I know that I don't want to put more work for others if I can manage by myself and I help others if I see them in trouble. but it's so damn hard to ask help myself. partly because I find it embarrassing to admit I can't do something alone. partly because I don't trust people with knowledge of what I find troublesome.
and this ends up with me pushing my limits and doing my best and trying to make sure I cause as little extra work for others as possible. the downside is that I see that others don't do the same. and honestly sometimes I prey for something that I would be able to disregard politeness and selfishly think only of what's best and easiest for myself. and yet I can't just watch when someone is working and I could do something. I end up doing something.
so yes. I see that it is my fault. thanks for helping with the selfobservation. there is just things I would like to yell out loud but I can't. there are things I would want to tell someone, but nothing good will come out of it, so I don't. and I don't even have someone to share all this with. I know there is a lot of people with no one to share their deepest parts with, but the heck, I can't even write them down. my real life friends know about this site, so they would figure out what I am talking about. I don't want to use my journal either, because think about what would happen when someone reads it. even if it would happen postmortem, it would change the way I am remembered.
so. I guess that was the closest I will get with spilling my real thoughts and feelings out. thanks for bearing through them :) in case someone is still reading this. I know this is pretty far from what it used to be in the start. maybe once I stop caring and start planning on my death I will get that cheery, crazy and random mood again where I can ramble about stuff and be funny.
let's hope so.
end of third of 2015: I think I was just rewarded for not cutting myself. I don't know how else to explain it. I mean, my work just ended, and so I had no place to get any money. so I tried to tell the social work system here that , "hey, I'm unemployed, how about a little support?" but the net system didn't allow me to mark myself as unemployed. so I got a little edgy. I tried several ways to chance my status, but nothing. and then it took some time to fond out an email address to tell my problem and ask for help. and honestly with my luck, I was sure I was not getting a dime out of the system in the end.
so I was in a rather dark place. and for some reason I was also reading a very violent story. which naturally, or at least natural for me, to think about drawing a bit of blood out of myself. I kept thinking where to slice and kept fighting against the desire to do it.
and then my phone rung and a woman from the social support system called and told me that she marks me as unemployed and let's my union know that they see no reason why I couldn't get a dime. so I have few weeks of not worrying about it, until it's time I send in my plea of moneysupport, when all hell breaks loose again, because it's so not easy to fill all those forms.
but just for now, I won't worry about it. maybe I can get someone to help me when the time comes. or maybe I can manage it after few days of hard work. I hope so.
but just maybe there is a chance that keeping going and not feeling too sorry for yourself and giving up, is complemented. maybe. I am not sure, but it is a nice thought to cherish while it lasts.
april 16: I think I might quit here. of course I will continue reading those great fics I have enjoyed, but I have so say the readers attitudes are annoying. some think they can actually come up and tell writers that the most important thing is that writer likes the story. yeah, sure that's all nice and good. but for that I don't need to post it here, I can just write it and keep it to myself. so it's bullshit to say that as long as writer likes it it doesn't matter if you get no response or flames even. the reason why I wrote these here was to learn what people thought about them. and I don't mind if people don't like the story, that's fine since there is stories out there that I don't like. actually, I still think very highly of that one simple comment I got from Goldilocks and three gays (it was written for a friend. I can't take it off). that review said, I didn't like this. and I appreciated it, no bad feelings about it. but c'mon, don't say it doesn't matter if there is no feedback. I know many writers who live for the feedback. and what irks me the most is the freaking hypocrisy of some. sure, don't like my fics, that's cool. okay, complain about them, at least it means I got some reaction out of you. but don't dare to write a long list of complaints and then finish it off by saying "I said all this just to help you improve yourself". don't mask dislike into a gown of helping. that's freaking disgusting. sure, there is those who ask for that kind of help. so go help those, don't bother those who don't need it.
but enough of that. I will have a break. maybe I get my mojo back when I get the new laptop. I would have liked to reach 50 stories before quitting. hah, this is ridiculous. my real life friend was right, I would probably be better off if I hadn't been so stuck here for so long. sorry about all the freaking typos there is, some are caused by the fact that I don't know, some because my computer sucks and some because I have wrote in a hurry but wrote anyway because there has been people waiting for an update. and as a reader myself I know what it's like to wait.
whatever. this is a bad day with all kind of things wrong. now, if you excuse me I will go and throw up. bye.
currently there is many little issues with this new laptop. one of them is that it has no writing program. and I am not planning on buying th ridiculously Word especially since I pretty much hate it. I had open office in my old laptop, but so far I haven't found a correct software to this one to download. so whether I want to write or not or if I have something to write plays no part. I can't write. oh, the joy. and I don't use a mouse, and this one's touchpad is a bit tricky. plus all the updating it has to do now that it has been released from the box. apparently it takes still a while before I get to enjoy a laptop that is operational T_T but Kyoko00001 I do try to get to you today. we'll see if I manage...
may: for crying out loud I am pitiful. ridiculous even. never in my life had I been in doubt about what I am. it was clear to me how I wanted to be, what I wanted to chance about myself and what I wanted to loose from myself. and now, I realise I had it wrong. and if I don't want to become something I don't want to be I have to revert back to what I were. or at least closer to what I was. and somehow, that is sad too. I mean I tried hard to change. and it was the wrong move. at least I have learned something. that's positive I guess. but. never mind. it was nothing important anyways. at least I don't think so because I neatly forgot what else I wanted to say. but I do hope I find my humor again. it would be nice to write something that would be amusing to read. which reminds me... about something. I think I should try to recall what was that something that would be funny...
May: YESS!! WHEET-WHOO! KYAA~ why you may ask? you may ask that even if it isn't May. but the point being THERE IS A SEQUEL TO TSUBASA RESERVOIR CHRONICLE! TSUBASA WORLD CHRONICLE!! and that is just awesome!! legen-wait for it-dary!! I can't wait til I get the actual book to read, but so far the online is there. C'MON PUBLISHER, STEP ON IT!! I usually am patient in waiting somethin. but guess what. NOT ALWAYS!! and if the amount of capslock in here is any cue, one of those times is now. freaking awesome!!
*cough* well. what Can I say. but that I LOVE TSUBASA!! By clamp. not someone else's tsubasa. see, not even deserving a capital.
I should win a freaking Oscar. flying piano would be nice. those who don't know the show, never mind. but I have to have some pretty amazing skills since so many people around me thing that I am levelheaded, trouble free and old enough to be burdened with other people's problems. not that I mind hearing them, but it is a bit irking when someone complains about people who confide in said person and how rude that is because they have problems of their own.
and after that they say that I don't have dark looming thought running around in my head, ruining the good vibes and bringing the blues.
I mean, thanks. it's always a pleasure when someone is that selfcentered. no, wait, I mean thanks for bying the act. moron. I can take shit but I always get the sore and sour feeling when someone claims that I have no worries in the world. or that I am lucky. yeah, right. and yeah, I am talking about real life people. I am sure that those who are reading this knows that the act is indeed and act. or just nice part of me. who knows. and the last knot that the latest person who said similar things to me dares to say that I have nothing to do when my other half is in camp for few days and I should just come over and hang with said person. reeeaaallly. I have hobbies. I read, I kinda write, I read and there is bunch of stuff I would want to do if I could bother to do them. but then there is always someone calling and stealing my time and then I am too annoyed to do things and I end up reading things.
or writing here when I finally feel like I will burst I vein if I don't vent out a bit.
I know. I do complain a lot. but hey, you don't have to read this, in no way am I forcing you to do it.
trololollololloloo...I used a lot of time today in YouTube, listening to old cartoon themes. it was nice. surprisingly often I knew the lyrics... one of the things I can only do when I am alone.
albeit I have sung anime themes in the middle of university too... hmm...
one last thing. don't ever, ever tell me that I should drink because you drink or because it's a norm. if I don't want to do something, don't say I want to do it. I know damn well what I want to do and what I don't want to do. I am not that damn shy that I would not take up an offer if I want to accept it. no means no even when it's not about fucking sex (I know. I just had to say it like that. freaking wouldn't have been quite that funny). it makes me resent you. maybe just a little if I like you enough. makes me want to wipe you from my world if I don't. I can be petty at times.
I know I am not perfect. but I know damn well that neither are you. but I don't judge you as long as you don't try to force me into something I am not. after that, your down sides won't be understood as much. I can be cruel at times.
there are times I want to like people a lot. there are times when I don't want to have anything to do with humans. there are times when I just completely lost my way. I usually find my way back but there is also times wen I see that I haven't.
I call it a life.
June: I know it has been a long time since I have wrote anything. most of it is my fault, I haven't got the right mood when I would have had time. part of the fault goes to the people around me who steal my time. and other things that keep me busy.
and also, I don't know what kind of curse I have but the new laptop is failing me too. like right now, I am using my old dying laptop because the new one tilted and I wanted to give you an update about what's making me lack stories.
happy life...jeez. me and computers, we just clearly don't get along. and I love this old keyboard... well. with time, when the laptop agrees to work, I might get used to the new one too.
*sigh* so bare with me. I know waiting sucks, I have been waiting for updates to few fma stories for over an year. but no worries, I try write before that much time has passed. I would love to reach 50 stories... I hope you all have a good summer whatever it is that you are doing or wherever it is that you are.