Author has written 3 stories for X-Men: The Movie, Twilight, and Glee.
If you need a smile on your face read these...
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have.
"You know little bro? You should take care of your book, because a tree sacrificed it's life to give you education, let's just hope his sacrifice wasn't a waste shall we?" - A friend
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot that you're an idiot!
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends grab those knives and stab those bastards back for you.
A good friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you're slightly cracked- Bernard Meltzer
Friends are relatives you make for yourself- Gustache Deschamps
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs 1 - Pros 0.
To put it nicely, I hope you choke.
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.
You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way only faster.
Whoever said that 'nothing was impossible' never tried to slam a revolving door.
When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then sit back and enjoy while those bastards try to figure out how you did it.
When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like hell.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that.
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.
Writing isn't a career, it's more of a mental illness.
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
Real friends don't let you do stupid things--alone.
The butterflies are plotting SOMETHING...
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like. . . well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of