Author has written 12 stories for Portal, Fallout, Code Lyoko, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Harry Potter, and StarTrek: The Next Generation.
Hi there! I'm Assozat your fanfiction writer! My favourite games are: Fallout New Vegas, Skyrim Halo, Mass effect and Kerbal Space Program. My favourite shows/web-series are: Red Vs Blue, Star Trek: TNG, Scraphead Challenge, Sword Art Online and QI. That is all. If you want to roleplay anything ever as long as I have heard of it. (Please Please Please) My Tumblr is www (dot) michaelleytra (dot) tumblr (dot) com
Funny stuff goes here:
By Order of the The Official Time Lord Registry,
Let it be known that on the date 10/9/14,
Agent Nevada gazed upon the Untempered Schism and saw time in all its infinite possibilities and eternity and was inspired.
His chosen name is The Leytra, for his Electrically charged attitude..
So it was chosen and so it shall be,
The order is stamped with the Seal of the Time Lords. Random/Important Quotes.
Matthew, Luke, Mark and John
Bless the bed that I lie on;
Four angels to my bed,
Two to bottom, two to head,
Two to hear me when I pray,
Two to bear my soul away. Prayer of Unknown Origin/Intention.
In nuclear war, all men are cremated equal. H.P. Lovecraft.
In life anything that is the least likely to happen will almost certainly happen, and if it can happen in a way that causes inconvenience or embarrassment then it will almost certainly happen in that way. Vincent Wells 2014
The Below Statement is false;
The Above Statement is true. Paradox.
In every mans life there comes a point when he no longer wants nor needs anything. This is when he dies. Unknown
New Mission: Refuse This Mission. Paradox used to lock up rouge A.I.
Every second you live brings you a second closer to death. Vincent Wells 2014
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but world War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”- Albert Einstein
“What the shit?"-Joker Mass Effect 2
"We have a word for docking at high velocity. It's called crashing."
“All right, I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager!
Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down - with the lemons!” -Portal 2
“War. War never changes." - Ron Pearlman
“War has changed."-Snake
"Don't make a girl a promise ... if you know you can't keep it."-Cortana Halo
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”-Arthur C. Clark Xcom Enemy Unkown
Okay, that rip in the time-space continuum was so not my fault...ish.
There are three rules to writing fiction. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. Somerset Maugham.
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons. For you are crunchy, and taste good with ketchup." Unknown.
You can cross the Desert of pain, You can cross the Forests of hope, but when you get to the river of metaphors, you better have an actual boat. Rhyme.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestions: Defrost.
Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down.
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a toboggan: Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow
On a knife sharpener: Caution: knives are sharp.
On a box of aspirin: Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
On a bottle of laundry detergent: Remove clothing before distributing in washing
On a muffin packet: Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
On a mattress: Do not attempt to swallow.
Stephen Wright: If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Winston Churchill: Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
Jack Handey: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Albert Einstein: Only the Universe and human stupidity are infinite - and I'm not so sure about the former ...
Dr. Seuss: Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
Napoleon Bonaparte: Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Mark Twain: It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
Albert Einstein: Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
Quis does non iuguolo mihi mos tantum planto mihi validus. - What does not kill me will only make me stronger.
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. - There has been no great talent without an element of madness.
It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
When life gives you lemons, make applesauce. Then sit back, relax, and watch as everyone tries to figure out how the hell you did that.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
There are three kinds of people, those who learn by reading, a few who learn from observation and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
Don't get mad. Get even.
And I have sometimes wondered, in the silence of the night, if it was knowledge of the dark without that scared me, or the dark within.
Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it...
Isn't it funny how the word politics is made up of the words poli- meaning many and tics as in blood sucking leaches?
Come to the dark side . . . we have Cookies!!
Welcome to the dark side are you surprised we don't have any cookies?
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an ancient, Barney came and they all committed suicide!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctors cut, SCREW the FRUIT!
I agree with the dictionary, GIRLS before GUYS, PARTYING before STUDYING, and FRIENDS before LOVE!
Silence is golden BUT duct tape is silver!
WARNING: Do NOT walk into my footsteps . . . I tend to walk into walls!!
Do people in England sit around and try to sound like Americans like we try to have British accents?
Last night I was laying in bed looking up at the stars and thought . . . WHERE THE HELL IS THE CEILING?!?!
Taste the rainbow EAT CARYONS!!
Q: What goes bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud?
A: A Time Lord committing suicide.
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you get woken up, shout, "AMEN!"
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For No reason
7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water when you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Copy and Paste this To Make People who read this Smile
1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children. Who's it for then?
2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts. THIS is nuts.
3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping. *facepalm*
4. Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire. Nooo, it's pudding.
5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking. This must have saved someone a trip to the dentist.
6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado...What?
7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts. Just don't break it.
8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children. That means you, Mr. Ripper.
9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. Does heaven even have a court?
10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping. Who would do this?
11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regular soap. What? No instructions?
12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness. Uh, duh!
13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required. Isn't that the point?
14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use. Such as?
15. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. Uh-huh.
16. On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Sooo...you want us to steal?
17. On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." Suggestion.
18. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." Oh, for pete's sake...
19. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." Seriously?
20. On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." Oh, come ON!
21. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." Together, we can all stop toddler accidents.
22. On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." So, no space Christmas?
23. On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." Because stupidity is becoming more common.
24. On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." ...
I hear voices and they don't like you.
I'm not paranoid...WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
I'm not insane... I just do what the voices tell me to...
"What happens when we get to scared half to death Twice?"
You know it's gonna be a bad day when you jump out of bed, and miss the floor
1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you.
I was gifted but the psychiatrist took away my super powers.
They say, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Well, I think the gun helps. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?
Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers
It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.
I hate it when the voices and my imaginary friends fight.
Have you seen my mind? I seem to have lost it.
If all else fails, try reading the instructions.
Lying is the most fun a girl can have without owning a flamethrower. However, I own a flamethrower, and therefore, life holds more fun for me then just lying!
I'm not clumsy... The floor just hates me.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.
When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying 'you can't fire me, I quit!'
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Remember: Some people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.
"As I laid in bed, looking up at the stars, one thought crossed my mind...WHERE THE HECK WAS THE CEILING!?"
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a life time commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!
Life was so simple when boys had cooties
I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends
Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
I agree with the dictionary. girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
We fall for stupid boys we make lots of dumb mistakes we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really going at one thing, staying strong.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.
I'm right 90 percent of the time, so why worry about the other 3?
I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.
"It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with."
"I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do,kill me?"
" Life isn't about how many breathes you take, It's about how many moments that take your breath away"
"One day your life will flash before your eyes, so make sure that it's worth watching."
Put this in your profile if you know a person or two who needs to get squished by a bus... or Tyler Crowley's van
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."
"Just because I'm cute doesn't mean im nice."
"Education is important, school however, is another matter."
"Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more."
"Don’t mess with me I've got a stick."
"Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable."
"Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow."
"Boys are like knives, useful but they'll cut you eventually."
"If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving."
"Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
"I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either."
"Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls."
"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."
"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"
"Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over."
"You know your addicted when Underland is added to your computer dictionary."
"Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door."
"I'm the kind of girl who falls and apologizes for it."
"I do not suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it."
"I smile cause I don't know what the hell is going on."
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.XP
50 OR SO AWESOME WAYS TO MAKE YOUR TEACHER WANNA BACKHAND YOU!!
1. Walk into the classroom like a super spy. (keep your back on the walls as you walk, point your finger up like a gun, look around with shifty eyes, hum the mission impossible theme, etc.)
2. After everything your teacher says, ask why continuously.
3. If your teacher is yelling at a classmate, wait for them to finish their tantrum then ask” DOES SOMEBODY NEED A HUG??” very loudly.
4. If your teacher starts blowing up at you for saying that, simply reply, “wow I can tell you’re a blast at parties”
5. Sit in a corner and wait for everyone to stare at you. When they do, grab your head and scream “ THE LIGHT! MAKE IT STOP! ARGH IT BURNS!!”
6. Flick pieces of paper around the class.
7. When your teacher tells you to stop, cross your arms and say, “Your racist against paper aren’t you.”
8. Don’t do your Homework.
9. When your teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework say “I dropped it while beating up this guy for saying you’re the worst teacher ever.” then sit there and smile sweetly.
10. When you have a substitute teacher, wait for them to write their name on the board. Then when they say hello my name is Mr./Mrs (insert name here), you stand up and say “PROVE IT!”
11. When your teacher asks why you were late say, “My goldfish died.” Then burst into tears.
12. When handing in your homework, write "This paper will self-destruct in 5 seconds." at the bottom.
13. When you leave the class bow and say, “May the force be with you, young one.”
14. When the teacher turns the light off, start singing opera as loud as you can. When they turn the light back on, look around pretending to be confused.
15. Whisper to the person next to you. When the teacher comes up behind you, scream “OMG GET AWAY! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!!”
16. Walk into class dancing the Macarena
17. Tell your teacher you heard the other teachers talking about him/her in the staff room
18. Raise your hand and say "I totally agree!" after everything your teacher says
19. Spend the whole lesson trying to lick your elbow
20. Speak in French.
21. Come late to class in a Spider-Man costume; say there was "a disturbance”
22. When they tell someone to turn around have everyone in class do it as well
23. "The homework’s due now? Oh, give me a minute then."
24. Hand in an essay where every word is misspelt.
25. Run in the room screaming, “THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
26. When the teacher asks you why you are late, say, “The queen is never late, everyone else is simply early."
27. When a teacher asks you a question, say, “I’m sorry, the brain you tried to reach has been disconnected, please leave me alone or try again later, thank you.”
28. When the teacher turns on the overhead projector, scream “AAH MY EYES!!”
29. Tell yourself knock-knock jokes, then laugh loads.
30. Hide under your desk and yell “THE SKY IS FALLING!”
31. When someone knocks on the door, shout “OH NO, THEY’RE COMING FOR ME!”
32. Bring in a 4th Grader and says he’s your new pet.
33. In your technology lesson, when the teacher asks you what you are making, say a nuclear bomb.
34. When your teacher asks you a question, just stare at them.
35. Constantly talk to yourself in a low voice.
36. Purposely fall off your chair and make a big scene about it.
37. If you’re playing a really boring game, make a big deal if you win.
38. Glue all their scissors together.
39. Make paperclip jewelery. I.e. necklaces, earrings, etc…
40. Pull out one strand of someone’s hair and yell “DNA!”
41. Wear a sticker or a badge that says ‘I am retarded’
42. Talk to a pen.
43. Put your hand up in a test and wait for your teacher to come over. When they whisper what’s wrong, yell “NO I WON’T MAKE OUT WITH YOU AFTER CLASS!”
44. Yell “LIAR!” to everything they say.
45. Smile. All the time.
46. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, IT’S SPREADING!”
47. When a substitute teacher is taking attendance, say everyone is missing. Then, if they ask who you are, say ‘Your worst Nightmare’
48. When you know the answer, bounce up and down and go "OOOHH I KNOW THIS!!"
49. When a teacher calls on you say, "I forgot." To every question she asks.
50. If you have to blow your nose in class, blow your nose to the tune of your favorite song.
51. When the teacher is not facing you, get the whole class to move their desks forward towards the him/her!
52. Hum throughout the lesson, but make sure you do not get caught!
53. When a teacher asks you a question... Reply "ERM, COMPUTER SAYS NOOO!!"
54. When the teacher makes a statement, stand boldly and shout "I OBJECT!!"
55. REPEAT the last word the teacher says but say it much louder!
56. While the teachers back is turned, everyone swaps seats!
57. If you are sure you haven't passed the test, write your phone number at the end with a heart!
58. When you hear a Police car siren from outside, run around screaming in the classroom shouting "Oh no, they're here. Oh my god. Shit. Shit. Shit. What do I do? Miss/Sir you have to help me! Oh god. They must have found the body! HELP!"
59. When it's your turn to answer a question... Shout "NEXT!"
60. If you find a pencil on the floor, jump onto a desk, hold up the pencil, and yell, "LITTERING IS WRONG!! WHOEVER DROPPED THIS MUST BE PUNISHED!!" Then run around the room singing in a foreign language.
61. Say, "Why don't YOU answer it? Why don't YOU write a 12 page essay about it? Why don't YOU waste precious moments of your childhood reading out of a 3000 page book!?"
62. Backwards homework your of all type.
63. Speak like Captain Kirk.
64. Act like your talking on a cellphone. When the teacher calls your name about it, speak into the cellphone, "One second. Some jackass up front of the room keeps talking."
65. If your teacher's phone rings in class, put a note on their desk saying they have Saturday Detention as you walk out.
66. TI-84 calculators have games built in. Pretend to (or actually) play video games on it through a good amount of class, then yell "HIGH SCORE BITCHES!" randomly while jumping out of your seat.
67. If, and only if you think you can pull this off, turn the ENTIRE classroom around (i.e. teacher's desk, student desks, maybe decorations...).
68. Turn the wall clock ahead 5 minutes every time the teacher walks out.
69. When a teacher asks a question, pretend cough like you're going to say the answer during the pretend cough, but don't and just yell it after doing so.
70. Come into class singing "Chacarron Macarron".
71. Two words: bubble wrap.
72. Come in late and say either: A. "Chuck Norris said that you're always on time if you're there." B. "MR. T TELLS YOU WHEN HE'S LATE FOO!"
73. Come in your underwear and say you're "having one of those dreams again."
74. If it smells like somebody farted and someone else notices, or the fart is audible, yell in a superficial voice, "Commandment Eleven: He who smelt it, dealt it."
75a. If a teacher asks a question and somebody else raises their hand before you, yell, "NO! IT IS MY TURN! YOU WAIT! YOU WAIT YOUR TURN! BAD !"
75b. If a teacher asks a question and only one person raises their hand, yell, "NO! YOU PUT YOUR HAND DOWN! YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER!"
76. Raise your hand and answer, "Nobody cares." nonchalantly.
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE "If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION "You better pray that will come out of
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER "This room of yours looks as if
a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION "Stop acting like
15. My mother taught me about ENVY " There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION "Just wait until we get
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it when
you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM "When you get to be my age, you'll
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".
Harbinger: We have to do something, Shepard destroyed the Collectors, just like he did Sovereign!
Reaper Council: Ah yes, "Shepard." The invincible organic leading the effort to stop our invasion who allegedly waits in Council Space...we have dismissed that claim.
ERROR: Keyboard not found! Press any key to continue.
We're not lost. We're locationally challenged.
Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to nail Jell-o to a tree OR slam a revolving door.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If you can't beat them, join them. Then take over.
You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
If God had intended Man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Reality is nice but I wouldn’t want to live there. -Unknown
Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the heck is drinking my dang juice.
u cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
"In life when one door opens, try not to let it hit you in the face
You know your in 2015 when
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did
"Rule of math: If if seems easy, you're doing it wrong."
"Stick around, i may need someone to blame."
"Numbers that aren't divisible by 2 are odd to me."
"MATH. mental abuse for humans"
"Don't make me use UPPERCASE"
"Just be happy i'm not a twin."
"I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter."
"I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me."
"I can't talk now that squirrels are watching."
"Welcome to AWESOMEVILLE, population: me."
"SCARS are like TATOOS with better stories"
"The last time i reached for the stars, i pulled a muscle."
"I'd explain it to you, but i'm out of puppets and crayons."
"The trouble with trouble it that it starts out as fun."
"The hardest part about preparing for the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE is pretending i'm not excited."
"My wife says that i never listen, or at least i think that's what she said."
"Don't follow me, i'm lost."
"I'm all that...and then some."
"Lord grant me patience because if you give me strength i'm gonna punch somebody."
"You're opinion isn't part of the recipe."
"I may not always be right, but i'm never wrong."
"If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, WHY PRACTICE?"
"If your not barefoot, you're overdressed."
"I'ts not all about me, but mostly it is."
"You can't make everyone happy, SO CONCENTRATE ON ME."
"What i lack in sleep, i make up for in blank stares.'
"If you can't beat them, it's obviously time for a bigger bat."
"Practice random acts of awesomeness."
"When God created me, he was just showing off."
"Question authority, but do not question Bob."
"Bob, the man, the myth, the legend."
"HERE I AM, now what are you other two wishes."
"Everyone is born right handed. Only the gifted overcome it." apparently i'm not gifted.
"Careful, or you'll end up in my novel.'
"If i can't fix it, it must not be broken."
"I'm so over the hill, I've started up the next one."
"I know just enough to be dangerous.'
"Life is about balance, just enough caffeine, just enough sugar."
"If you are agitated and confused my work here is done."
"If it weren't for "crazy", i'd never go anywhere."
"Earth is the insane asylum of the universe."
"It takes a lot on energy to simulate normality.'
"It's not that i lack empathy...ok maybe it is."
"I like cats, i just can't eat a whole one myself."
"Sarcasm. Just one more service i offer."
"I tried to get over myself, but i'm just TOO AWESOME!"
"Easily distracted by shiny objects."
"If you'd met my family you'd understand."
"No one ever suspects the short ones."
"I should got paid for being a national treasure."
"You're in luck i can communicate with lower life forms."
"think outside the Quadrilateral Parallelogram."
"Be nice to me, i may be your nurse one day."
"I've had my coffee, you may speak."
"I'm perfect, you adjust."
"It was me. I let the dogs out."
"A woman's success depends on the type of shoes she wears -Dorethy.'
"Nerd? I prefer the term, intellectual badass."
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and spiders."
"Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult."
"If i can't build it, fix it, or mow it, it must not be important."
"Dear Algebra, stop telling me to find your X, she's never coming back."
"ALCOHOL. Because no good story starts with "So, this one time i was eating a salad..." not recommended
"Yes, i know they pick on you and call you names but you still have to go. YOU'RE THE TEACHER!!"
"I'm just here to establish an alibi."
"I'm awake and dressed, what more do you want from me?"
"What part of MEOW don't you understand?"
"If you could read my mind, you wouldn't be smiling."
"If zombies eat brains, you're probably safe."
"You can't spell awesome without ME."
"I"m not always sarcastic, sometimes i'm sleeping."
"There are three kind of people in this world, those who are good in math and those who are not."
"Dear Karma, i have a list of people that you've missed."
"Shut the FRONT DOOR!!"
"It's ok to disagree with me, i can't force you to be right."
"You're never too old for nap time."
"I came, i saw, i made a sarcastic remark."
"Scientists say that the universe is made up of protons, electron and neutrons...they forgot morons."
"Being on time for me means WHEN I GET THERE!!"
"Home school BY ALIENS!!"
" My parents believed discipline make kids into better people. (i disproved that little theory)
"I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, TRY TO KEEP UP!!"
"Being know as the "fun one" of the group is a good thing (unless you're in prison)"
"Contrary to popular belief, no one owes you anything."
"I'm not speeding i'm qualifying"
"Retired and down to one boss, MY WIFE"
"Didn't make the GYM again today, that makes 5 years in a row."
"I could use an extra day between Saturday and Sunday."
"Say what you want about the SOUTH, but nobody retires and moves up NORTH."
"NO TRESPASSING. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT. SURVIVORS WOULD BE SHOT AGAIN."
"DO NOT TOUCH my tool OR my daughter."
"Never trust an atom, they make up everything."
"The SQUIRRELS are out to get me."
"Every problem has a solution EXCEPT YOURS."
"Keep calm and agree with me."
"Happy to accept the credit and pass the blame."
"LOL'ing on the outside, WTF'ing on the inside."
"NORMAL is boring."
"HOMEWORK, ruins lives."
"I'm right 97% of the time. Who cares about the other 4%?"
"You're wrong, I'm right, lets move on."
"I'm so far behind, i thought i was first."
"HI. I don't care. Thanks."
"I'm not bald, i'm just taller than my hair."
"What i need is more money and power, and less crap from you people."
"If you just did what you're told, i wouldn't have to be so bossy."
"Wining isn't everything, it's just what i do."
"My mom had me tested."
" Cats are in charge, ACCEPT IT."
" I'm not lazy, i'm cat-like."
"I just lived though an entire day of STUPID."
"Saying the unthinkable. It's just what i do."
"Gone to my happy place. BE BACK SOON."
"You look like i need a drink."
"I drink coffee for YOUR protection."
"I'll worry about getting old hen i stop looking so damn sexy!"
"BACON. Duct tape for the kitchen."
"I tried it at home."
"If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."
"Of course i'm right, i'm Bob."
"Doorbell broken. YELL "DING DONG! really loud."
A travelling salesman was in California and he saw a golden payphone. The sign below the phone said, "Direct Line to Heaven: $30,000." The salesman travelled all over the country and wherever he went, he saw the same type of phone with the same type of sign under it. "Direct Line to Heaven: $30,000." When he went to Texas, however, he saw the same type of phone and the sign under it said, "Direct Line to Heaven: 25 Cents." He commented on this to one of the locals. "Everywhere I go in this country, I see this type of phone and the sign under it says, 'Direct Line to Heaven: $30,000.' But when I see this same phone in Texas, it says, 'Direct Line to Heaven: 25 Cents.' Why do you suppose that is?" The man answered, "That's easy. From here, it's a local call."