Author has written 2 stories for Harry Potter, and Stargate: SG-1.
You know you have been on the computer TOO long when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name or Myspace.
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.
11.) & now you're laughing at your stupidity.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for it. And you know you did.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
On a bag of Frito's:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
On most brands of Christmas lights:
On a Japanese food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a child's Superman costume:
On a Swedish chain saw:
On a toboggan:
On a knife sharpener:
On shin pads for cyclists:
On a take away coffee cup:
Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In a microwave oven manual:
On the back of a pilot's seat in a NATO aircraft:
On the bottom of a cola bottle:
On a Harry Potter wizards broom:
On a box of aspirin:
On a bottle of laundry detergent:
On a muffin packet:
In a kettle instruction manual:
On a ketchup bottle:
On a bottle of rum:
A car park sign:
A sign in a street in Hong Kong:
Rules on a tram in Prague:
Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:
On a can of air freshener:
On a bottle of baby lotion:
On a pair of socks bought in Egypt:
On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:
On a Frisbee:
In a car handbook:
On a packet of cashew nut pieces:
Directions for mosquito repellant:
On a birthday card for a one year old:
In a hotel bedroom:
In a lift in a Japanese hotel:
On a toilet cleaning brush:
On a can of Spray paint:
On a TV remote:
On a blowtorch:
On a washing machine inn a launderette:
On a bottle of hair dye:
On a push along lawn mower:
On a box of fireworks:
On the packaging for a wrist watch:
In a dishwasher manual:
On a toaster:
On a mattress:
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity. Copy and paste this into your profile! : )
If you like to pretend that Fred Weasley never died, copy and paste this on to your profile.
If you dare to say the Dark Lord's name, copy and paste this into your profile.
Did you know Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity?
WAYS TO ANNOY ANY TWILIGHT FAN
1. Steal their copy of Twilight and replace it with one of your Harry Potter books in a Twilight dust jacket. (Pleasant surprise)
2. Tell them that Edward is a "hand-me-down" because the Twilight movies got him after the Harry Potter movies were finished with him.
3. List other "hand-me-downs" from the books, like the last names of Black and Clearwater... (Vampires, shape-shifters... you get the picture.)
4. State that you think Edward would be hotter if he had a lightning scar on his forehead. (Never!)
5. "Accidentally" call Edward, Sanguini.
6. Explain in detail how any wizard can possess all the gifts (seeing the future, reading minds, etc.), that a vampire would only have one of. (... Wizards are pretty awesome)
7. Whenever they mention Jacob Black, innocently ask if they meant Stubby Boardman.
8. Say that Bella and Filch would make a cute couple.
9. Flinch whenever they say "Edward" and tell them to say "You-Know-Who."
10. Whenever they describe the vampires of the Twilight series (sparkly skin, no fangs, etc.), contradict them, and tell them what "real" vampires, out of Harry Potter, are like.
11. Explain how Twilight werewolves are really Animagi, and ask whether they've registered with the Ministry.
BOATMURDERED: EPILOGUE ()
"The fortress of Boatmurdered burns, without and within. All is smoke and fire. Everybody is dead, save two. I ask you to picture a lone, abandoned child and the well-known madman Guerilla Burialgears outside the heavily decorated mountainside entrance.
The child plays in a bone pile, simpleminded and happy. She seems oblivious to the death and decay that surround her on all sides. Once a celebrated hero, Guerilla Burialgears has found himself helpless as this idiot child when he was needed the most. The would-be ruler silently mourns for the poor child's future while he knowingly and selfishly prepares to leave her behind. As he pulls on his pack and begins searching for the road, the girl suddenly yells "SHINY!" and thrusts a pebble toward him. Guerilla reaches out to take the smooth stone and rubs it thoughtfully between his fingers while returning an empty smile. The girl quickly goes back to her bones and he takes the opportunity to leave.
This is all he knows to do. Killing her would be a service, but his swords seem too heavy for the task. Or is it his heart? He once more rubs the stone and decides this is how it must be. He simply cannot kill her. One of the greatest dwarven warriors to ever live, unable to kill a child. He would find it pathetic and laughable, were he still sane.
Alas, his very soul is broken, along with his mind. The famed dwarven warrior now finds himself too emotionally weary to do more than mindlessly pilot his body toward safer fields or a pitiful and uncelebrated death. After a bit of searching, Burialgears finds the outline of the main road and begins to follow it toward civilization. The only coherent thought he can seem to muster will ultimately become his mantra and his sole reason for continued life in the early months of his upcoming journey: "Any place is better. I must press on."
I ask that you picture this dwarven champion pausing briefly atop the last ash-encrusted ridge in the distance. In the waning light of a setting sun, he looks back upon the gaping, smoking maw of hell's door one last time. At this moment, he finally sees Boatmurdered for what it truly is; a wicked and foreboding blight upon the surrounding lands. The windswept and charred landscape robs him of any tears he might have produced. All are dead at Boatmurdered. The best dwarves he has ever known...gone. In his mind, the blood of the dozens he could not save will eternally stain his hands. In his head, he will forever hear the screams of the dead as they burned or murdered one another in the last days of the once-proud fortress.
Guerilla Burialgears absently tucks the child's rock into his pack and turns to leave for good; his head hung low. His words trail behind him as he disappears over the ridge. It is a haunting whisper, quickly stolen away by the wind: "All burn...".
And then he is gone.
High atop the cliff, a lone child waves goodbye and chases her gesture with the kind of carefree laughter only youth can enjoy. She then returns to her game with a pair of pretty stones, almost immediately forgetting about the nice dwarf in the shiny suit. This unfortunate young girl will come to be known in legend as "Dodok Sabrefrenzies, last survivor of Boatmurdered". In all cultures, both name and place will come to elicit hushed tones and ultimately grow to be synonymous with doom of the very soul, itself."
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