Author has written 21 stories for Warriors, Deltora Quest, Rowan of Rin series, Harry Potter, Young Wizards, Unwind, Last Unicorn, 39 Clues, Misc. Books, and Hunger Games.
TO THE SUBMITTERS OF MY SYOT:
Yet another backup URL, if those don't work: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1-fAwMDSlqJrv0sH-dbjNo7yt_x8a4GQsnG0h3aJUyfg/viewform?usp=send_form
Happy submitting! :D Be creative as you like!
CURRENTLY IN THE PROCESS OF A COMEBACK (somewhat)!
DRAGONFRIEND4, I AM STILL WORKING ON IT. I also offer my apologies for godawful untimeliness. It's sitting on my computer, and the reason for the delay is because my LibreOffice program went haywire awhile back and I had to go through quite a process to recover the doc.
I SHALL RETURN! ( . . . Eventually.) Meanwhile, stalk / yell at / scream with me on tumblr @winged-defender-of-deltora and twitter @winged_defender if you'd like!
BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ELSE . . .
I am putting all my stories—except the ones I'm co-writing or beta reading—on "unpredictable" hiatus. What I mean by that is I can't get on FF that often anymore (as in, I can barely manage once in three or so days) and I just don't have the time to write. "Unpredictable" is there because I'll still try to update them, as I'm as anxious to get to writing the good parts as you all are to reading them, but I can't guarantee the quick updates I used to have. My endless apologies to those who have now put me under their "writers to kill for not writing" section of their hit list . . . I will still co-write, beta read, and read/review other stories as best to my ability, but I just don't have enough time. Again—I'm so sorry about this! I feel like I'm ditching all my friends and fellow same-fandom obsessers . . . Luckily I can still co-write and beta read and PM and so on, but barely. Ugh. T.T
Oh, before I forget: My disclaimers. (I know, I know, these rarely are necessary anymore but better safe than sorry!)
Now, I am NOT Scholastic or Jennifer Rowe or Diane Duane or anyone like that. I only own what I have written, OCs, plots, summaries, and ideas included, and the rest of the franchises shall go to the publisher and their rightful owners. Sooo authors, publishers, admin, anyone: Please don't come after me screaming, "YOU DIDN'T CREDIT US IN YOUR STORY!!!" . . . Yeah. I'd rather not get sued, thanks very much! And I would also very much appreciate it if no one chose to take my ideas and call them their own. (I've heard horrific stories about writers on here who'd had their stories copied under a different pen name. *Shudder* I can only hope that never happens to me! . . . And you can bet that when I find out, oh boy.)
OFFICIAL VERSION FOR OFFICIALS (or anyone who identifies with such a term) TO READ: I, in no way, claim ownership to the franchises, characters, universes, and other such copyrights and/or intellectual/creative properties of which my writing involves. No profits are being made from said writing, and all ideas and creations I may borrow belong solely to their rightful creators and owners. I am (as the saying goes in our wonderful network) merely "playing in someone else's sandbox." The sandbox (and more than likely the toys as well) belong to the copyright owners. I am me, so perish the thought that I'm pretending to be them! (Over. . . .)
(All that was just a safeguard. I highly doubt that I'll get accused of piracy / violation of intellectual rights / idea-stealing when my work is classified as, y'know, fanfiction. The name says it all, folks . . .)
"One mistake cannot ruin a life or a kingdom. It is what is done after that mistake, that decides. Remember the lessons of history. Despair is the enemy. Do not let it defeat you . . ."
—Zeean, The Sister of the South; Emily Rodda / Jennifer Rowe (Deltora Quest: Dragons of Deltora arc, also known as Deltora Quest 3, book 4)
CURRENT STATUS ON MY STORIES (also see the top of my profile . . .)
Now posted: Unwritten (archive: Unwind) and Gravity (archive: Young Wizards). . . . I'm actually really satisfied with the way both of these turned out. :D (For once!) Both are normal-length one-shots (okay, well, Unwritten is actually rather long . . .) and very much in the "deep end" of the archive pool. (Well, it's me writing. What did you expect?)
NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW! I finally uploaded the story I was withholding: Daymare. It's in the The Last Unicorn [book] archive, though I think anyone can read it. Rather angsty, but not as much as I thought it'd be. Anyway, any R&R would be appreciated! :)
EVEN MORE NEW!!!!! Unforgivable is now heeeerrreee! Written for the 39 Clues category and set after the canon (though it's not very obvious) and documents Amy's confrontation with the Tollivers and the Spilling Of The Truth with totally fantastic poetic finesse. I hope.
AND NOW, FOR A LAST NEW FIC: I have finally completed Jungreich: The Ravens of Marchenwald!!! It is written for Adam Gidwitz's "Grimm" Trilogy, but it can technically be enjoyed by anyone. I really had fun writing this fic ('cos talking ravens are the freaking BEST) and hopefully you guys will too!
The First Four—Chapter eight yet to be started; on official hiatus, as previously stated (and also in the summary . . .)
Calm Before the Storm (cowritten by Skystar5 and me)—Working on chapter four
Current "main focus" story/stories: When Truth and Lies Are One, DQRDQ on the side
Under the "got a [faint glimmer of a] plot bunny, better scribble/type it down quick" category:
ALSO, Dragonfriend4: I'm still working on it, don't worry!!! I know it's been two ages and a half, but I really am still editing those chapters you sent me! I promise, promise, promise I'll have it done, at the very latest, the end of April / the beginning of May. I'm so sorry it's been taking so long—don't give up on me! I AM CURRENTLY PUTTING IN FINAL TOUCHES (i.e. adding in the italics that FFN got rid of)!
Other accounts! (And basically the rule goes: if it's not listed, I don't have it.)
And now, a bit of inspiration for all those aspiring writers out there and to all who may hear (or read):
(All credit of this beautiful speech goes to Nic-n'-Nyx, and my own thanks to the profile of KJtheELMtree as I found it there!)
To all other young fiction authors out there. Copy and paste if you wish. It just needs to be said, and needs to be heard;
You may be a reject. You may not be smooth with the spoken word. You may be the most popular kid in school. You may be the boss at your office. You may be short or tall or heavy or light or anorexic or white or dark or struck by an unfriendly label. You may be the homeless guy on the corner or the one inside the store signing books as you hand them out. You may listen to Justin Bieber or to Three Days Grace. But what you are is a writer; never doubt the power of what you can do. Tell me, what did you learn more from this year; the President, or the Hunger Games? The senator or Rick Riordan? The public speaker or Clarissa Fray? Your boss or Pi Patel? American Idol or the Twilight Saga? A list of facts or Harry Potter? Which of them stole the most of your time? Which is more well-known?
It's the book. Every time. People fail to realize flaws in our society in their own lives, but they see it in District Twelve and in the Capitol. Books make clear what we can't see with the naked eye, they make everyone look closer. Authors are the ones that speak to people's hearts. Writers are the ones people turn to for lessons and entertainment. It's been this way for thousands of years. We are the teachers of every child who opens a book. The themes we write are the themes they learn. We are there in every life, a quiet influence bound in a pretty cover, months' worth of work and reading, colored with imagery built around the lightning rod of an unforgettable plot line. A story spent months reading is memorable more than a speech listened to for just five minutes. I can't name all the leaders of the world right now, nor what they've decided to preach about, but I can tell you all the characters from Percy Jackson, and every little thing they taught me. And they are things worth learning.
So don't think there's a better way to make a point. Don't think there's a better way to reach your audience. Fiction stories have been striking the hearts of their readers farther back than anyone alive can remember. And striking the heart is what makes literature so different from everything else. Don't ever doubt your ability to show someone something new, to teach them a life lesson, or the importance of what you have to say. Say it in this foreign language everyone knows. Decorate it with characters and light it with sights and smells and sounds and touches and tastes and give it to the public gift-wrapped with your finest effort. Because I guarantee you, someone is bound to hear you clearer than they've heard anyone else before.
I hope you've found some words of inspiration. The world needs it desperately. Do us all a favor, all you writers, and come out of hiding. We've had the greatest influence of all over people of the past, and as we act now, we are the ones influencing the future. We have more knives and pens than the BVB Army, more sway in society than the Senate (whom we have proved this to before), more power than any celebrity you could name. I'm calling on you now. Rise up. I dare you to write something today that readers won't forget. I challenge you to make someone cry with one thin little page of text. I urge, no, I demand you to put something down on paper that'll be copied and produced and remembered for longer than Ancient Mythologies have been. I dare you to slam a revolving door. I demand you to write a message in the folds of a book and watch how, in awe, people unwrap it. Watch your footprints stand bold against the falling snow and refuse to be covered. It is all possible, I assure you. You have no idea just what power you hold in a pen—or a keyboard—until you use it.
And right now, the world needs you to use it more than ever.
We, writers, have made history. We were the ones to record it. And that ability has not changed at all, just our awareness and will to use it. We were given the gifts of language and storytelling for a reason.
This is that reason. It's calling. So ask yourself what message you want to send. Ponder about what you want to say. Because the world is listening to us above all other beings currently on this earth. Us, not the movies, not the official-labeled politicians, not the superstars. And it's our job to give it a story worthwhile.
I got rid of my "Upcoming Fanfictions" heading because, well, I haven't been able to get on much lately. So I have no idea if I'll even be able to finish my current stories and get annoying little one-shot ideas out into cyberspace. T.T
*If anyone would like to use/adopt any of my ideas (which aren't posted on FFN), please PM me for the summaries, permission, extra info on plot bunny, characters, etc! Same goes for my OCs~
ALSO, SEEING THIS CAME UP THE OTHER DAY: If anyone would like to submit a story request (i.e. you supply the story idea and I do the actual writing), I am available. The only term is that I can only "do" one-shots, drabbles, etc.—anything RELATIVELY SHORT. This isn't meant to offend anyone: It's just that time is a slippery eel and must be handled with care, because it comes and goes so very quickly and leaves me much less productive time than I'd like. . . . So I'm truly, truly sorry, but I really can't write that fifty-chapter story for you. Additionally, timeliness is not guaranteed! . . . Although I will try to do my best not to leave you hanging for an excessive amount of time! (If I ever do get to the point where I begin doing commissions I will definitely post it here as well!)
BEFORE I CONTINUE . . .
FanFiction is a huge part of my life. Some may think it's weird, some may think it's silly. Well, I think they're weird and silly. FanFiction is important to me because it allows me to take characters and settings that I know and love, melt them all down, and then re-forge them in my own way. I get feedback on my writing, play with other universes and realities that I enjoy so much, and it's a great way to practice and develop my writing for the other ten or so novels I'm working on as well. So yes, FanFiction is a massive part of my life. It helps me escape. Post this on your profile if this fits you!
Let's all go back to our first story. You'd signed up for your account, waited patiently for the waiting period before new users could post stories— And then, finally, you hit the post story button, and waited. Don't we all remember how excited we were when we checked the review count to see if we'd actually gotten a review? We didn't even care if it was a three-word "Good chapter, update" (even though we wished for more). And as the reviews came in, you felt that smile creep across your face. The excitement (however small) you get when you see the review count go up is always enjoyable.
Are we really so cruel as to deny someone that feeling? It only takes five minutes tops. Swear to review: Join the Revolution!
I, Crystal Veritas Silvera, do solemnly swear to review every story I read, regardless of the number of reviews, its age, or anything else.
I have joined the Review Revolution.
Copy and paste this into your profile to join the Revolution! (Because everyone knows how much it sucks when you have 500 hits and 3 reviews . . .)
(So don't be surprised to get loads of reviews from me!)
FAVORITE SERIES WHOSE ARCHIVES I WILL DEFINITELY BE ACTIVE IN (unless it's an archive I'm still rather new to—that may take awhile)! (Alternatively, read as: You have my express permission to scream at/with me about absolutely any of these. I will respond with my immediate joy and enthusiasm, though perhaps lacking timeliness.)
ALSO: I like my writing organized, so they're all written in a structure that is as follows:
Title / Series's / Work's name(s); Author(s)
Quote(s) I saw that remind me of the work listed above
Deltora Quest / The Three Doors Trilogy; Emily Rodda/Jennifer Rowe
Those evil take-over people are never satisfied, are they? They just can't take over one city, or one state, or even one country . . . Noooo, it has to be the whole entire world!
Rowan of Rin series; same author as above
Yet still, they persisted.
Rondo Trilogy; yet the same author
This is why you pay attention to details: Otherwise, you'd miss out on all the plot twists.
Young Wizards / Feline Wizards (also known as, in other countries, the Cats of Grand Central) series; Diane Duane
Save the Earth. It's the only planet with CHOCOLATE. ; and We don't live in the world of reality, we live in the world of how we perceive reality.
The Raven Cycle; Maggie Stiefvater
Learning living languages is overrated. Learn dead languages so you can communicate with the dead.
The Book Thief; Markus Zusak
[I have been a word in a book.]
Tokyo Ghoul (anime manga); Ishida Sui gets most of the credit but y'know
Relax, I'm just as sane as I look . . . which is not very sane at all.
Yuri!!! on Ice (anime whatever else we get honestly); the entire team because bless
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
Hunger Games Trilogy; Suzanne Collins
Have courage to live. Anyone can die.
Underland Chronicles; same as above
I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I'll fight for what I love.
Harry Potter; and we all know who wrote this series
That moment of horror it takes for your mind to register what just happened to your favorite character.
Eon: Dragoneye Reborn / Eona: The Last Dragoneye (duology); Alison Goodman
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Divergent Trilogy; Veronica Roth
You don’t know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Unwind Dystology; Neal Shusterman
They say guns don't kill people, people do. Well I think the guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled, "BANG!" I don't think too many people would die.
Jenna Fox Chronicles; Mary E. Pearson
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils in the end . . .
Percy Jackson and the Olympians / Heroes of Olympus as well as the Kane Chronicles; Rick Riordan
It's you and me versus the world . . . We attack at dawn.
Maximum Ride; James Patterson
I've reached the top of the mountain. It's time for me to make a pair of wings and FLY HIGHER.
The Giver Quartet; Lois Lowry
"There are 1000 ways I can kill you, and 951 of them hurt." "So what do the other 49 do? Tickle?"
Yona of the Dawn / Akatsuki no Yona (anime manga); Mizuhou Kusanagi 'n' the rest of the lovely team
Sure I have secret powers! I just don't wanna show you.
Inheritance Cycle; Christopher Paolini
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Wings of Fire; Tui T. Sutherland (the American member of the Erin Hunter team!)
I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately, I'm writing in pen.
Warriors; Erin Hunter
SHUT UP VOICES OR I'LL POKE YOU WITH A FORK!
Guardians of Ga'Hoole / Wolves of the Beyond / Horses of the Dawn; Kathryn Lasky
I'm not lost, I'm exploring.
Septimus Heap / TodHunter Moon; Angie Sage
If you don't understand how someone could love their sibling and want to wring their necks at the same time . . . you were probably born an only child.
The Scorpio Races; Maggie Stiefvater (author of the Shiver Trilogy)
Sometimes, people build walls—not to keep others out, but just to see who cares to break through.
Fablehaven; Brandon Mull
They may be "just stories" to you, but they're kind of my life . . .
Matched Trilogy; Ally Condie
To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Redwall books, also known as Tales from/of Redwall; Brian Jacques
I don't think I could ever stab someone. I mean, let's be honest. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun!
And if anyone is so kind enough to STILL be reading this, these are more series whose archives you may find me in or series/single books that I like. THE LIST WILL BE LONG. . . . Okay here it is:
Dragon Slippers Trilogy; Jessica Day George
Silverwing trilogy; Kenneth Oppel (plus the prequel, Darkwing)
Dragon Keeper (in the back of the book it said that there was a sequel called Garden of the Purple Dragon, but I can't find it!); Carole Wilkinson
The Little White Horse (long time no read, so I'm planning to reread . . . sometime)
The Blue Roan Child; Jamieson Findlay (a book ALL horse lovers should read, 'cos it's amazing!)
The Perfect Distance; Kim Ablon Whitney (another wonderful horse book. . . . More YA-ish, but still amazing!)
Red Kayak and the sequel, The Journey Back; Priscilla Cummings
The Mostly True Story of Jack; Kelly Barnhill
The Wednesday Wars; Gary D. Schmidt
Every Soul a Star; Wendy Mass
Hatching Magic and the sequel, The Dragon of Never-Was
Keys to the Kingdom; Garth Nix (suggested series for DQ fans! Also, KttK people check out DQ! PLEASE! :D And those two hilarious fics in this category under my favorites list!)
Unicorn Chronicles; Bruce Coville
Animorphs; K.A. Applegate
Series of Unfortunate Events; Lemony Snicket
Secret Series; Pseudonymous Bosch
Fly By Night / Fly Trap; the author who also wrote The Lost Conspiracy
Most anything written by Mary Downing Hahn, too . . . (Including Deep and Dark and Dangerous, The Old Willis Place, and All the Lovely Bad Ones)
Ruby Holler, Walk Two Moons, Heartbeat and some other books I can't remember; Sharon Creech
Enchanted Forest Chronicles; Patricia C. Wrede
Spiderwick Chronicles (although it's been a really long time since I read them); Tony diTerlizzi (shoot, not sure if I spelled that right. But he's the author of the Wondla series as well) and Holly Black
Fever Crumb and Here Lies Arthur; Phillip Reeve
Swordbird series; Nancy Yi Fan
Emily Windsnap series
Paint the Wind, Esperanza Rising, Riding Freedom; Pam Munoz Ryan
Dovey Coe; Roald Dahl
The Egypt Game and The Gypsy Game, both are really good
12 Again; Sue Corbett
Tangerine; Edward Bloor
Silver Phoenix: Beyond the Kingdom of Xia; Cindy Pon
Erased (anime only thus far)
Owari no Seraph (anime and manga)
Movies from Studio Ghibli: Princess Mononoke, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, Kiki's Delivery Service, Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea, My Neighbor Tortoro
Miracle in Cell No. 7
Series I am currently in the middle of reading/watching/etc.:
Feline Wizards series (ya know, the spinoff of Young Wizards? That one) by Diane Duane (reading chapters of The Big Meow online. But I feel so sure I saw it at the library!). Oh, and I'm a couple pages into Omnitopia: Dawn . . .
39 Clues by—aah—various authors (i.e. ten different authors—at the least!), shall we say. I think they credit Rick Riordan for the series, though. (Currently questioning if it would be a sane endeavor to try to complete this series, honestly.)
Redwall/Tales of/from Redwall, also known as the Redwall saga by Brian Jacques (I'm reading this completely out of order, but I want to read High Rhulain and Triss. Putting this series on hold)
Daniel X series by James Patterson (will soon read Game Over. Hopefully.)
WORDS TO LIVE BY! ;D AND FUNNY PARTS!
Also, some random favorite YW quotes:
"The dog wants to know what the meaning of life is."]
—A Wizard Alone
"'Destiny.' Half the time the word's just code for 'what someone else wants you to do without asking any inconvenient questions.'" —Dairine
—Wizards at War
—A Wizard Abroad
Quotes that make me ever thankful that I found this website:
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
I write for the same reason I breathe—if I didn't I would die.
We should all take a lesson from crayons: Some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, some are new and some are old, and all are different colors, but they still learn to all live in the same box.
Weird people are like rainbows—colorful, unique, interesting, and sometimes even mysterious against the plain old sky. The sky is like normal people—same old, same old all around, at first interesting but then boring after too long and always being covered up by clouds.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils in the end . . .
SHUT UP VOICES OR I'LL POKE YOU WITH A FORK!
Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6.5 billion to one. And that number gets bigger every minute.
It doesn't matter if the cup is half full or half empty—it's poison both ways!
Dinosaurs getting wiped out wasn't an accident! Barney came along and they all committed suicide.
There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.
Sometimes, people build walls—not to keep others out, but just to see who cares to break through.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me!
I tried being normal, but I didn't like it.
I don't obsess; I think intensely.
Not obsessed. Just extremely dedicated.
Whenever you think your life sucks, think of a tree that took fifty years to grow up only to be cut down and turned into a Justin Bieber notebook.
When everything in life is going "your way," you know you're in the wrong lane.
Me: Wow, I actually like being alive right now! Life: LOL, hold that thought . . .
I'm not paranoid . . . WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
What you see is not what you get; if that were true the world would be a wasteland.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. Reality, I'm not so sure.
Bookstores are evidence that the human race is still capable of thinking.
Please do not annoy the writer. She may put you into a book and slowly torture you to death.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps. I tend to walk into walls and off the occasional cliff.
At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass free and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.
Life and Lemons:
-When life gives you lemons, it better hand you water and sugar. Otherwise your lemonade is going to suck.
The statistics of insanity is that one in every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If it's not them, it's you.
I didn't fall, I just threw myself on the floor!
Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.
Don't mess with me: I've got a stick. (Jayfeather . . .)
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
Enjoy every minute of life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
Forgive your enemies—it's what will annoy them most.
Real girls aren't perfect, and perfect girls aren't real. You want a perfect girl? Go buy a Barbie or make up a Mary-Sue.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you did.
Think about perfection this way: If everyone was perfect, we'd have a world of Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus. Now that, my friends, is what I call scary.
Best friends are the people that know all about you and still put up with you.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.
If the grass is greener on the other side, it's probably fake turf. And if it's not, you can bet the water bills are going to be higher.
The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.
Bending the rules is good . . . Breaking the rules is bad.
I dream of a better tomorrow—a tomorrow where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.
Just say no to drugs. Because if drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many.
When in doubt, make words up!
In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.
Flying is easy. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
PROCRASTINATORS, UNITE! . . . Tomorrow.
Two things are infinite; human stupidity and the universe. And I'm not so sure about the last one. (Derivative of Einstein's many quotes . . .)
They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well I think guns help. I mean, if you stood there and yelled "BANG!" I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Whoever said words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed, I tell you!
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner! Person #2: Too bad the world is round!
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has never tried slamming a revolving door.
Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.
People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do.
Chocolate is the answer no matter what the question is. (Including "What's the meaning of life?")
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
I have a photographic memory too. It just takes a day to develop.
Death is like Life's way of telling you, "YOU'RE FIRED!"
IT'S THE SUGAR TALKING, I SWEAR!
Money does not truly buy happiness, but it pays for my Internet, which is pretty much the same thing.
Money doesn't really buy happiness . . . But it does buy books!
I'm the author of my own life, and unfortunately I'm writing in pen.
This is NOT Subway. You can't have it "your way."
You say I'm not cool. Cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!
I used to think that the whole world was against me. Now I know that's not true. Turns out some of the smaller countries are neutral!
I don't think I could ever stab someone. I mean, let's be honest. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half!
Please note: Christmas is canceled. Apparently you told Santa you were good this year—and he died laughing.
"Sir, we're surrounded!" "Excellent, we can attack in any direction!"
Don't you dare tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon!
If you don't like me, there's nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash honey: I don't live to please you.
Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.
Okay, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to become eccentric.
Don't knock on Death's door. Ever heard of ding dong ditch? He hates that.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
The newscaster is the person who says, "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
Forecast for tonight: Darkness.
A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death, which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
An idiot is a window washer on the forty-fourth floor who steps back to admire their work.
I don't have a short attention span, I just—ooh look, a kitty!
Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.
I am NOT saying you're stupid . . . I'm just implying it.
Some people say the glass is half empty and some say it's half full. Me? I just want to know who's drinking my dang soda.
My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious mental problems.
I'm not lost, I'm exploring.
Last night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I thought . . . WHERE THE HECK IS THE CEILING?!
Smile—it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Always proofread to make sure you don’t any words out.
It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's actually a meteor hurtling toward Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
"There are 1000 ways I could kill you, and 951 of them hurt." "So what do the other 49 of them do? Tickle?"
One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you.
Be insane—well-behaved people never made history.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who'll be laughing then?
I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth!
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa (or cacao) beans, and all beans are a veggie?
I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened a year ago.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
If FedEx and UPS merged, they would become FedUP.
It's you and me versus the world. . . . We attack at dawn.
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you just keep on talking.
There are no such things as stupid questions; we just have too many inquisitive idiots.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!
You say psycho like it's a bad thing . . .
Sarcasm isn't an attitude, it's an art.
Knowing I had to crawl all the way up the mountain makes the view so much better.
I've reached the top of the mountain. It's time for me to make a pair of wings and FLY HIGHER.
If you don't understand how someone could love their sibling and want to wring their necks at the same time . . . then you were probably born an only child.
One day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Sometimes I lie awake at night asking myself what I've done wrong, then the voice in my head (ANGEL!) says, "This is going to take more then one night . . ."
I hear voices, and they don't like you.
After Monday and Tuesday, the calendar always says: W T F
I don't get even; I get odder.
Move on. It's just a chapter in the past. But don't close the book, just turn the page.
(Nice play on words . . .) If God had intended Man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.
Be OPTIMISTIC . . . All the people you hate are eventually going to die!!
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional . . .
DO NOT HIT KIDS!! No, seriously. They have guns now.
If you always stop and smell the roses, sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people seem bright until they speak. (Pretty sure that's Einstein's quote, but eh)
If I had one wish, obviously I'd wish for unlimited wishes!
Whatever you do, always give 100% . . . Unless you're donating blood.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every two months.
Labels are for cans. And in case you haven't noticed—I'm not a can.
Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Software engineering today is a race between programmers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe striving to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. (Yeah, and I think I know Who's behind it all . . .)
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
Normal is just a setting on a washing machine.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
There are three types of people: Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who must test the electric fence for themselves.
If zombies eat brains, you and I are safe.
If the dark side has cookies and the light side has chocolate, does the middle have chocolate cookies? Go Middle!
The voices in my head may not be real but they still have some pretty good ideas . . .
Never take life too seriously. No one comes out alive anyway.
Excuse me while I attempt to find a container for my joy.
Your multiple personalities are freaking out my imaginary friend!
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
The problem with democracy is that some people are stupid, but the problem with dictatorships is that all dictators are stupid.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.
Math is the only place where you can buy seventy cantaloupes and no one wonders what the heck is wrong with you. (Has anyone read 12 Again and how the mom has to take those math tests and she's mentally laughing her head off at how ridiculous it is? . . . Perfect illustration right there.)
I find "good morning" a contradiction of terms. (Or connotations . . .)
If you want to say something and sound smart, put the name of a famous philosopher after whatever you just said. —Aristotle
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
They couldn't repair your brakes, so they made your horn louder.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like Grandfather did, in his sleep—not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I am sick of people having a near-death experience and saying they saw the light. You know what the paramedics do when they first arrive? THEY SHINE A LIGHT IN YOUR EYE! That's not GOD . . . It's a MAGLIGHT!
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's something entirely different.
I'm not in denial. I'm just selectively picky about which reality I choose to accept.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!
You know you're stressed out when you can hear mimes.
Life isn’t passing me by, it’s trying to run me over.
You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
The difficulty is not so great as to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
They’ve promised dreams can come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too . . .
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
You say I've lost my sanity. Well, I have news for you: You can't lose what you never had in the first place.
They say the truth will set me free. Then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?
You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same.
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.
Don't keep calm! You're a freaking fangirl!
Still here? Am I that interesting?
And one final thing I saw online:
"About the stories. They'll last, even if nothing else does. They'll be like a light in the dark, and they'll burn as long as the dark lasts and go on out the far side of it into the morning."
—Gwyna, Here Lies Arthur by Philip Reeve (stand-alone)
THE INFINITE CODEX OF OUR WONDERFUL INTERNET'S FANFICTION LINGO!
Alternate Reality / AR: A story that deviates from canon (see Canon) and is set in a world/setting/timeline/"reality" (hence the name "Alternate Reality") that had been established in canon, even if it had been mentioned in passing. It can also refer to a story set in another "version" of the canon, e.g. a book series's movie world, or vice versa. DIFFERENT FROM Alternate Universe / AU.
Alternate Universe / AU: A story which deviates from canon (see Canon) and explores possible events had things happened differently. (Ex: What would have happened if Darth Vader had never gone to the Dark Side?) It may also refer to a story in which the setting is in a previously unstated (and thus the creation of the author's imagination) "universe," with no canonical proof that said "universe" exists / can exist. DIFFERENT FROM Alternate Reality / AR.
Author's Note / A/N / AN: An author's note(s), commenting on his or her fic, or an element of it.
Bashing: Poking fun of a character, pairing, group, or topic, portraying them/it as unintelligent, ridiculous, in a negative light, etc.
Beta Reader / Beta (v. or n.): Someone who helps to edit a fic, or gives suggestions about said fic's elements.
Canon: The way the story unfolded originally outside of fan fiction; the way the original creator or author portrayed it.
Challenge: Similar to a writing prompt or plot bunny. (See Plot Bunny.) A challenge, though, sets specific guidelines/rules for the writer, or outlines objects or events the fic has to include. Can be any genre, or multiple genres. (See Genre.) A story written for a challenge is often preceded with "Written for [so-and so's / series's name] [the] [insert challenge name] [challenge] ." (Ex: Padme must knit a sweater for Anakin. Obi-Wan must learn to play the bagpipes. Mace Windu must wear purple. Must be rated PG.) (Ex: Written for FanficLover's Yuletide Crossing Paths Challenge.)
Companion Piece: A piece of writing that is somehow/somewhat connected to something else the author has written. Differs from a series in that events do not need to be in chronological order, or even mentioned in both stories. Similar emotions or events can connect them instead.
Cover Art / Coverart: Art created for a fic's cover, either by the author themselves, or someone else. Similar to the cover for a novel.
Citrus: A story with light romance. Can include / Includes hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. (Can be referred to as "fluff" or a "fluffy" story.) (See Fluff.)
Crack fic / Crackfic: Fics that have unique or strange plots, or maybe no plot at all. Can usually be classified as humor. (Ex: A story about Darth Vader and the pet bunny he named Fred.) Can also refer to a pointless fic, or one meant to make the readership laugh until . . . Never mind.
"Crack" ship / Crack ship / Crackship: A ship (see Ship) or pairing (see Pairing) that is nonsensical, random, or completely non-canonical. It is often unaccepted as fanon (see Fanon). Usually is supported by the creator of the crack ship.
Crossover: A fic which combines two or more fandoms, connecting canon events or creating situations where characters from different fandoms meet. (See fandom.)
Death fic / Deathfic: A fic that someone writes when the main character (or just characters) die normally. It can also refer to a fic in which the author writes about a character mourning / "getting over" / thinking about the death of (an)other character(s). Usually takes the form of one-shots or two-shots. (See One-shot and/or Two-shot
Disclaimer: A note by the author of a fic acknowledging that the characters and events they are portraying are not their original or intellectual property. They may also state that the author does not intend to make any profit from their writing or infringe upon the original creator's rights. (Often written as a safeguard against lawsuits, admin banning, angry authors / copyright owners, etc.)
Drabble: A very short piece of writing meant to convey or portray a specific emotion, point, or instance. In its strictest form, it is limited to one hundred words, not including author's notes. (See Author's Note.) Thus, drabbles are often used as challenges and/or writing prompts. (See Challenge.) (Lately, authors have also expanded the definition of "drabble," which may result in "extended" drabbles, such as bidrabbles.)
Fandom: A term for the show, movie, book, or cartoon which a fan supports, enjoys, or is writing fan fiction for. (Ex: Harry Potter, Star Wars, Dark Angel, Supernatural, etc.)
Fan Fiction / Fanfic / Fic: Stories written by fans for television shows, books, movies, or cartoons, about the characters or events included within a specific fandom or fandoms. (See Fandom.)
Fanon: The fan version of canon. (See Canon.) The story might not have been written that way, but there are certain events, story lines, or characteristics that are / can be (generally) accepted as fact by the fans.
Femslash: Slash (see Slash) between two female characters.
Flame / Flaming (v.): A cruel, overly harsh review of someone’s work without any constructive criticism; a review comprised entirely of insulting remarks; a review written with the sole purpose of upsetting the author and/or their story.
Fluff: Fics that are lighthearted, usually very cute, and/or very romantic.
Gary-Stu / Gary Stu: A character, most often male, who fits all stereotypical labels (can be described as "perfect") and could be the answer to all conflicts in a storyline/fic. The character is usually interested in / romantically paired with a primary character (who also can be labeled as another "perfect" character). It is the "male version" of a Mary-Sue. (See Mary-Sue / Mary Sue.)
Gen / Genfic: A story that is free of any slash or overly graphic content. (See Slash.) Can also be used to mean that the story is free of any type of romantic relationship, pairing, ship, etc. (See Pairing and/or Ship.)
Genre: The category a story belongs to (very similar to that of canonical fiction genres). (Ex: Humor, angst, romance, etc.)
Het: A romantic relationship in a story between a male and a female. (See Pairing
In-character / In Character / IC: Describes the way that a character's personality is portrayed in a fic, which matches what fans have come to expect from that character.
Kink / Kinky (adj.): An eccentric idea or unusual sexual tastes with lemon, lime, etc. (See Lemon and/or Lime.)
Lime: A fic with lightly discriptive sex scenes but black out before / lack of anything "worse."
Lemon: A fic with very discriptive sex scenes.
Mary-Sue / Mary Sue: A character, usually female, that is very stereotypical or even so far as "perfect," and often has all the answers to all the problems in a storyline. The character is also usually interested in, or paired romantically with, one of the other primary characters (who often also happens to be another "perfect" character). The male version of a Mary Sue is often called a Gary Stu. (See Gary-Stu / Gary Stu.)
MPreg: (Normally in yaoi (see Yaoi / Yeri.).) When a male has the child instead of a female.
OC / Original Character: An original character of your own creation, who is not canonical. (See Canon.)
Out of Character / OOC: Describes or refers to the way the portrayal of a character [in a fic] doesn't match what fans have come to expect from that character, or even a departure from the character's personage.
One-Shot: A piece of writing, similar to a vignette (see Vignette), that is not connected to or intended to follow another story. The characters' thoughts are often less internally focused than a vignette, however, and the tone less formal. Can be any genre. (See Genre.) Though usually consisting of one chapter, two-shots and three-shots are examples of longer one-shots. (See Two-Shot and/or Three-Shot.)
One True Pairing / OTP: A romantic pairing that a fan personally believes is the only true or acceptable romantic pairing in a fandom. Usually, but not necessarily, a pairing that is part of canon. (See Canon.)
Pairing: Similar to a ship (see Ship). Normally refers to a canonical romantic pairing between two of the fandom's (see Fandom) characters, usually straight. (See Het.) When used, most often it is meant to differ from a slash. (See Slash.)
Plot Bunny: An idea for a story that may or may not be in [the early stages of] development, or (less often used as) an element of a story.
POV / Point of View: The perspective a story is written from.
PWP / Porn with Plot: Self-explanatory. . . .
Ship: A particular romantic pairing (see Pairing). Can also refer to a pairing whose degree of acceptability (depending on the fandom (see Fandom), its relative fanon (see Fanon), canon (see Canon), etc.), can be debated upon.
Shipper: Someone who likes, supports, or promotes a certain romantic pairing.
Shmoop: The fluffiest fluff. (See Fluff.)
Slash: Male/male or female/female romantic parings. (Female/female parings are often referred to as femslash. (See Femslash.))
Spoiler / Spoilers: Information, references, and/or events from certain episodes, books, or movies within a fandom that others may not know of, or wish to know of. Especially important for an ongoing series like a television show, since not every fan may have seen the most recent episode. (Similarly, in a fandom of a book series, spoilers would consist of So-and-So dies in the last book, or such remarks.)
Switzerland (n. used as adj. or adv.): Typically in all fandoms, [the state of being] neutral towards shipping (see Shipping); having no shipping at all.
Tag: A story with events that are connected to, meant to follow, or meant to occur just before events in a certain episode, book, or movie in a fandom. Often explores a character's thoughts or feelings about those events.
Three-Shot: Similar to one-shot and two-shot (see One-Shot and/or Two-Shot), only three chapters long.
Two-shot: Similar to one-shot, only two chapters long. (See One-Shot and/or Three-Shot.)
Verse / 'Verse: (Short for "universe.") The events, characters, and storyline surrounding a fandom or an AU series of fics. (See Alternate Universe / AU.) Often used in phrases like "movie 'verse," "comic 'verse," etc.
Vignette: A short piece of writing, usually a story which is only a few pages or a [few] chapter(s) long, that focuses on making a particular point or exploring a particular emotion or event. The characters' thoughts are usually internally focused, and the tone more formal. Can be any genre. (See Genre.)
WIP / Work in progress: A story that is not posted completely, and is still being written.
Whump / Whumping: Severe mental or physical pain in a fic, which can be focused on a main character or group of main characters.
Yaoi / Yeri/Yuri: Same-sex couples; usually used in an anime fandom. Note that these come with often negative connotations regarding the nature of such relationships.
Now copy and paste things! This is probably the longest part of my profile. Feel free to copy/paste anything from here! So . . .
Scary Things Little Kids Love
1. Santa—A big fat guy sneaking down your chimney stealing your cookies and milk who knows when you're sleeping, when you're awake, and if you've been bad or good? Can somebody say stalker already?
2. Halloween—364 days of the year your parents tell you not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween it's encouraged? Also, who knows if one of those weapons are real?
3. Fourth of July—Children are allowed to play with fire and explosives. Real smart, parents, real smart.
4. The Tooth Fairy—A magical being who sneaks into your house at night and encourages kids to sell body parts.
5. The Easter Bunny—A bunny who sneaks into houses giving away candy-filled eggs. Well, actually this one isn't that scary. Just plain not right.
6. Barney—He's a big purple dinosaur who sings happy songs about "I love you, you love me" and once took kids to the moon. Need I say more?
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
Things to Ponder:
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
I wonder why people say "life is so short" when life is the longest thing that you will ever experience?
If curiosity killed the cat, then what about its other eight lives?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do a "practice"?
Isn't it funny how the word "politics" is made up of the words "poli" meaning many and "tics" as in the bloodsucking creatures?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, then is that considered a hostage situation?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station . . .
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If the opposite of "pro" is "con," then would "congress" be the opposite of "progress"?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
What disease did cured ham have?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do alarm clocks “go off” when they start making noise?
Why do we yell “Heads up!” when we should be yelling “Heads down!”?
How can something be both “new” and “improved”?
Why do we shut up, but don't quiet down?
How did the “Keep Off the Grass” sign get there in the first place?
What happens when Pinocchio says that his nose is going to grow?
What color does a Smurf turn when you choke it?
Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?
How come Superman would stop bullets with his chest, but ducked when people threw stuff at him?
If it's zero degrees today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is it an adult with the mind of a child is locked up and put in an asylum, while children are allowed to run in the streets?
How come schools say they don't allow weapons but give all students textbooks?
So when did time begin, and when will time end?
Why do parents tell their kids not to accept candy from strangers 364 days and then on Halloween they encourage it?
If two foots are called feet, then why do we say "footballs" instead of "feetball"?
Why is the word "cheese" considered random? Or "cookies"? Or "tacos"? Or
If silence is golden, then what color is loud?
How do scientists know the colors dogs see in?
Why are apartments called "apartments" when they're all stuck together?
How come we drive on parkways, and then park on driveways?
If swimming is so good for your figure, then how do you explain whales?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Nothing really rushes, right?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular pencil, why is it still #2?
If sleep is so good for your brain, why isn't it allowed in school?
Why are snacks called "fun-sized" when there's nothing "fun" about getting a smaller potion of food?
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
How do you know if your pen's out of invisible ink?
If Walmart is lowering prices daily, then how come none of it is free yet?
Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down very, very slowly?
Why are they called marbles if they’re made out of glass?
What color hair do bald men put on their driver’s license?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?
When two airplanes almost collide, why is it a “near miss”? Shouldn’t it be a “near hit”?
Is there another word for "synonym"?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If truth is stranger than fiction, then how strange are lies?
If a taxi has to go backwards, does the driver owe you money?
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Why do they put pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
If you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why can't you find fresh sardines at a supermarket?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you need to buy her friends?
Can't anyone who has a job go into the doors marked "Employees Only"? Shouldn't they be more specific and say, "Employees of This Place Only"?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet love Mickey Mouse?
Why is it called common sense if it seems to be so rare?
If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?
Is it possible to scream from the bottom of your lungs?
If everything in the Universe is part of a larger system, then what larger system is our Universe part of? (And after that, what's that part of?)
Why losing your pen is a death sentence:
Lost your pen = no pen
Lesson: Don't lose your pen, or you will die.
Letters the Mailman Forgot to Deliver
Dear Lost Keys,
Dear Cursed Black Hole At the Bottom of My Backpack,
Dear Slowest Walkers in the World,
Well, after reading the following anagrams, I think someone had too much time on their hands . . .
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY (Heheh amity . . .)
ELECTION—RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES—LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
TIMOTHY MCGEE: When You rearrange the letters: THOM E GEMCITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Harry Potter fans: "I want to go to Hogwarts!"
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.
ONLY IN AMERICA...
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
...are there handicap parking spaces in front of ice-skating rinks
...sick people go to the back of Walgreens to get their medicine, while healthy people get their cigarettes in the front
...people buy hot dogs in packs of 10 and hot dog buns in packs of 8
...do the banks leave both doors wide open and then chain the pens to the counter
...are there drive-thru ATMs with Braille
...can people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a Diet Coke
...do people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and keep their junk in locked storage garages
...is the word "politics" used to describe the progress so well; "poli-" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "blood-sucking creatures"
...do we have Fourth of July, where explosives and fire are encouraged and treated as entertainment and a holiday
...do we have a law that makes it illegal for a vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 miles per hour. (Specifically: CALIFORNIA.)
THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY:
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor—we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that . . . uh . . . that uh . . . uh . . . thingy."
7. "Oh no! I just dropped my Rolex." Pause. "Shall I fetch it?"
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again . . ."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?!"
Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
TEACHER: Glen, how do you spell "crocodile"?
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Professor Flitwick . . . does not know where Snow White is.
Professor Snape . . . has no wish to get in touch with his "feminine side."
Professor Moody . . . The best "teaching" Hogwarts has seen in a long while.
Professor McGonagall . . . does not take herself too seriously. It is a very bad idea to tell her.
Professor Dumbledore . . . should be referred to as "Professor," "Headmaster," or "Sir"—not, under any circumstances, "Dude," "My Leige," or "Tim the Enchanter."
Hermione Granger . . . has PMS and a wand.
Ron Weasley . . . is very afraid of spiders.
Luna Lovegood . . . is perfectly sane, thank you very much.
Ginny Weasley . . . still wants her Hogwarts toilet seat.
Fred Weasley . . . knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out.
George Weasley . . . knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not even remotely sorry.
Oliver Wood . . . has heard every single joke possible about his name. No, that is not a challenge.
Lily Evans . . . swears she is not in love with James Potter.
James Potter . . . doesn’t believe her.
Remus Lupin . . . would prefer fewer jokes about "his time of the month."
Sirius Black . . . escaped Azkaban, evaded Dementors, outwitted the Ministry . . . was killed by drapery.
Andromeda Black . . . is going to marry a Muggle—screw the consequences.
Gryffindors . . . will jump off a cliff.
Slytherins . . . will push someone else off.
Hufflepuffs . . . will call five hundred others and build a staircase.
Ravenclaws . . . will get hold of a flying carpet.
The Things That Make You Worry About Human Intelligence:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (I thought it'd be cold!!)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Tell me why I bought the medicine again . . .)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (So, I cannot use it in outer space nor any extra dimensions? Dang it!)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for any other use." (I gotta admit, I'm real curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh nooooo we get real fake bacon.)
On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (For the bubbly idiots!)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (Awh, that's the whole purpose of buying the costume!)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Genitals . . . ? Was this happening somewhere???)
On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (No! Really? We're supposed to eat food)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's just a suggestion . . .)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (Something must've gotten lost in the translation. Like, big time.)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
THIS IS AMAZING!
COPY AND PASTE THIS MESSAGE TO YOUR PROFILE
within 3 minutes
I TRIED IT TWICE AND IT WORKED BOTH TIMES
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!
THIS REALLY WORKS!
PASS THIS ON MORE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!!!!!!
["[I]f he's fighting with . . . with Them . . . with the ones who made the bright Book, isn't he in the wrong?"
—So You Want to Be a Wizard; Diane Duane (Young Wizards, book 1)
AND THE REST OF THE STUFF!:
If you fix typos in copy and pastes, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a long bio/profile, and wish to hereby enhance and add to the length of previously said autobiographical document, copy and paste this to said World Wide Web page to make previously said autobiographical document increase in length, number of words, interestingness, and other things which would be known as fun or such entertainment to the pleasure of the empowered, copy and paste this rather lengthy and often repetitive piece of information to your (previously said) autobiographical document.
If you ever wished you could live in a story, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you would (even though you're not allowed to), live in a bookstore so that you would be the first person to get all the new books, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, evil, or just plain old annoying, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hear voices of the characters in your head . . . copy and paste this on your profile.
I am a Deltoran. If you are a Deltoran and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile!
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension/universe, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you sigh at the fact that because your profile is so long there is little chance someone would actually take the time and read it, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever wondered why you exist and/or why your name is what it is then copy and paste this to your profile.
If you believe in magic, copy and paste this into your profile.
When you ship Rowan/Zeel, and the author throws in a wild-card Shaaran, and you're all like, "STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIIIIP!!!!!"
If you can say that you have dreamed about your favorite book, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
If you have deja vu a lot, copy this into your profile.
If you think that writing fanfic stories is fun then copy this onto your profile!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: the fear of long words. Now who the heck came up with that? If you think that's really funny, but can't pronounce it (at all), copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever read a 250-page book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile
If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear baiting, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery, etc.) then copy this into your profile!
If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and join the fun in the adventure copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.
If your profile is way too long, copy and paste this into it to make it even longer!
There are tons of people that are extremely concerned about couples/ships/pairings/slashes in fanfiction. If you like or dislike certain couples/ships/pairings/slashes, but still have nothing against those with different views, copy and paste this into your profile!
If you have ever cried when a character in a movie, T.V. show, or book died, copy and paste this into your profile
If you love writing, copy and paste this into your profile!
Copy and paste this on your profile if you ever felt bad for someone in a book even knowing they are a fictional character.
If you’ve used bold, italics, and underline all at once just to see what it looked like, copy this and paste it in your profile.
If you were simply dying to know what happened with Allun and Marlie's baby, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you still wonder sometimes why Emily Rodda never wrote that sixth Rowan of Rin book that is CLEARLY missing, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you wish that a fictional character was real, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you believe in your right to like/dislike what you like/dislike without the express approval of society or your local fangirls, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever yelled at the book you were reading because the characters did something stupid post this on your profile.
If you ever wished you could talk to animals or be an animal (or both), copy and paste this into your profile
Paste this in your profile if you're a procrastination addict. (Or do it later.)
If you respect and honor the dragons, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you obsess over correct grammar/spelling when you're writing, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you read your own stories or profile just for the heck of it, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you've ever felt like something was watching you and then turned around to find nothing, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever been on one train of thought but got distracted for a few seconds and forgot what it was, copy and . . . what was I doing again?
If you've read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever gotten temporary memory loss and then suddenly remember at a total random moment, copy this into your profile.
If you are wondering what it would be like to have wings, copy and paste this into your profile!
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.
If you have a book you intend to publish, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you absolutely KILLED yourself laughing when Gazzy said, "I vill now destroy de Snickurs bahrs!" then copy this to your profile!
If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like animals, give one a home if you can. If you already have or can't but want to spread the word, copy this into your profile.
If when life gives you lemons you make grape juice then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it, copy this into your profile.
Copy and paste this if you're still waiting for your Hogwarts letter to arrive. After all, the owl just just got lost . . .
Mental anxiety, mental breakdown, menstrual cramps, menopause, did you realize how all our problems begin with MEN?
If you've ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think it's stupid that girls are automatically labeled with the color pink, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are obsessed with something considered childish for someone your age, copy this into your profile.
If you think Ferncloud has had too many kits to remember, copy and paste this into your profile. (If she died, the entire ThunderClan population would go extinct!)
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.
If sometimes your fanfics seem to write themselves, copy this into your profile.
Seven Great Reasons Not to Mess with Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year olds.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching.
She's emo? You'd cut too, if you've been through what she has.
Who are you to judge them?
You know their name, not their story.
Actual court dialogue that proves human stupidity:
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old one, how old is he?
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Well, whatever method you used to get here, congratulations for reaching the end and I will see you again! Hopefully!
Dai stiho / Hunt's luck / baaaiiii / etc., etc.,
—Crystal (Veritas) Silvera
(See all the references I did there? See them see them see them—)