Author has written 68 stories for Harry Potter, Stargate: Atlantis, Alice, 2009, Heroes, Ring/Ringu, Glee, Star Trek: 2009, X-overs, Were the World Mine, Final, 2010, Merlin, Captain America, M*A*S*H, and Star Wars.
I have now published a few Short Stories Find them Here
May 2014: Man I just realized that I haven't updated this in five years. To answer the few trickling reviews I still receive I am working to update everything. Don't get your hopes up because I only write when the mood strikes.
I'm 28 years old and I'm a born procrastinator I read more books than I watch TV. Beware that when you start my fics it may be weeks to months before I get out the next update, I write whenever the mood strikes me really.
-Once upon a time
-Earth's Children Series
Harry/ Hermione/ Ron
-Ginny/ Tom Riddle
Disliked yet tolerated Ships
"I feel short,"... "I mean really short! How tall are those doors? Eight, twelve feet? Is everything here gigantic? Maybe I should carry around a ladder with me so I can reach the top of the tables. Or is there some sort of drink that you eat...I mean drink...or was it the cake that you drank...I mean ate...I like mushrooms..."-Harry from 'Lesser of Two Evils:Year one'
"I'm sure all of the pointing and whispering will blow over in a few days. A few weeks at the outside. People have the attention span of hyperactive nifflers."Draco from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year One'
'It was mutually decided among the Gryffindors and the Slytherins that an inter-house truce was in order, as long as Neville Longbottom swore to never say anything as inherently sappy and sentimental as that again.' from 'The Lesser Of Two Evils:Year one'
'Harry's first flying lesson was an exercise in follies. He felt like he was in an evil episode of the Three Stooges. The only thing that went right was the part where his broom came obediently to his hand when he commanded it to.' from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year One'
'At the girls' dormitories, they turned Pansy Parkinson into a Howler monkey. It just seemed more appropriate. At Ate's discretion, they also dressed her in a garish hot pink tutu and a lacy orange bonnet. Ares insisted on purple clogs. Odin questioned his masculinity. Ares sulked.' from 'The Lesser of Two Evils: Year One'
'Hanuman-the Hindu god of monkeys' from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year One'
'SNAPE: So there were two wands, a rubber mouse, a fuzzy bear slipper, a dragon figurine, a chimpanzee, and a howler monkey?
HERMIONE: Yes, Professor, and they were running through the motions of the play at approximately one a.m. last night.
SIRIUS: And Harry was asleep during all of this?
DRACO: Yes. Frankly, I'm fairly certain that he could have slept through a stampede of hippogriffs.
REMUS: That sounds like something Lily would have done... How tired were you this morning? (said to Harry)
HARRY: I only came to breakfast because Draco promised there would be monkeys with clogs on.
SNAPE: I think Remus was hoping for something more quantifiable, Harry.
SNAPE: Something which would provide a more accurate estimate as to your state of health.
DRACO: Allow me to translate, professor. (to Harry) If you were a grapefruit, am I wearing a raincoat?
HARRY: Oh. I'm really, really sleepy...I liked watching the monkeys...
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I think it would be best if we let Harry get some rest then. I don't think any punishment will be necessary. After all, what the gods decide to do is really out of mortal hands, but I would appreciate it if you would talk to them about restraining themselves Harry. –Harry nodded tiredly.- Now, Lemon drops anyone?' from 'The Lesser of Two Evils: Year One'
'Ron still couldn’t understand Harry’s abilities until approximately five days, three hours, forty two minutes and twenty eight seconds later when:
“Harry, are you a summoner?”
“Yes, Ron.” (Sound of head hitting large, solid object. Possibly a wall.)
“Did that hurt?”
"Why don’t you try it and see?” (Sound of head hitting large, solid object. Possibly a wall.)
“Are you always this literal?”' Harry and Ron from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year One'
'The boys shared a look that said everything. Basically: My last will and testament left a mint as the sole heir. Fix it for me, will you? -- It looses something in the translation.' Harry and Draco's thoughts from 'The Lesser of Two Evils :Year One'
'Sirius Black as a man was God’s gift to women. As a woman, he made men want to consider becoming monks' from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year One'
'Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff were temporarily blad, oiled, and Slytherin colored' From 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year One'
"My squeek toy wants to take over the world"-Harry Potter from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year One'
“I resent the implication that I’m insane, Demitri.” Ate blinked. “Harry, books don’t need names. They have titles.” “Sorry. I resent the implication that I’m insane, Lord Demitri.” Harry and Ate from'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year Two'
'His eyes went wider than Vernon Dursley'- from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year Two'
"Harry... I don't mean to pry but... why are you PURPLE?"- Sirius Black from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year Two' (Yeah I know I'm putting a lot quotes from those stories in but I can't help it.)
"I’m going to treasure that moment forever: The day my father threw a man through a window." Draco from 'The Lesser of Two Evils: Year Two'
“I’m afraid he’s still upset over the radioactive cheese wheel.” Draco from 'The Lesser of Two Evils:Year Two'
'Despite the werewolf's best efforts, it seemed that both Sirius and Harry were doomed to be insufferably slow at getting anywhere. -Best efforts here means that Remus placed three vials of pepper-up potion in Sirius's coffee and placed fireworks in Harry's back pants pockets that would activate if he dilly-dallied. This had the interesting effect of making Sirius proclaim himself Emperor of Coffee Mug and Lord of Fuzzy Socks while Harry tried desperately to extinguish his butt. It did not, however, speed up their departure.' from 'The Lesser of Two Evils: Year Two'
'“They adopted English names when they came here. It was just another part of the plot. Originally they were called Rafiki, Hugara, Gilvanist, and The Amazing Hupta Brothers.'
“But if there were brothers, then there were more than four founders...”
“Not really. Salazar Slytherin had multiple personalities. One was called Bob.”' Draco from 'The Lesser of Two Evils: Year Two'"You must explore your inner map"... "I know mine well enough... it says:here be werewolves" Sirius Black and Remus Lupin from 'The Speculum Curse'
'The-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Then-Defeated-Voldermort-And-Has-More-effing-Hyphens-Than-Anyony-I-Know' Sirius from 'theboywholived'
'I curl up and refuse to speak
They reach a hand to lift me out
They watch me sadly from the top-
A gecko in a glass bottle- A rodent in a trap.
“You will now tell me why there was still a button marked ‘Explode’ on my blender,” Danger from 'Living without Danger'
‘Oh! Note to self: need to open eyes before trying to see next time, could be useful and spare me another almost heart attack. Oh well… .' Harry from 'Unexpected Events'
'Severus seemed to relinquish the role of alpha and slide into what might almost be construed as subservient behavior—if you squinted.' from 'crumbling pedestal'
'“Congratulations,” Aries said with an amused sneer. “Here are your souvenirs from the time you made the tension actually thick enough to cut with a knife.”' Harry from 'Time For Me'
“I’m taking Harry out for a while. Don’t even try to stop me. You may have a wand, but I have a cast-iron skillet." Petunia Dursley from 'An Aunt's Love'
"Severus apparently told Dumbledore that he believes I'm working for me. I spent my free period explaining to Albus Dumbledore what all had happened in class and why you were without your wand afterwards." Tom Riddle from 'Abandon'
“I wasn't aware it was possible to blow up the Confusion Concoction, Oh well. Must not have been trying hard enough.” Harry from 'Abandon'
“I didn’t think you liked Freddie Mercury anymore.” “I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I can’t steal his phrase. Besides, I do own his face on my shirt, now.”Sirius and Remuns from'Crazy Little Thing Called Love'
“Look, either help me or shut up and let me permanently damage myself.” Sirius from'The Cupboard'
“Well, I think I should be the one forgiving you since you were the one who went all ninja-kissy on me and snogging me unawares.” Sirius from'The Cupboard'
'Damn it all, this wasn’t a time for sleep. This was a time to act like little giggly school girls' James's thought from 'Frustration'
“Like I want to be a girl? I’ve literally gone where no man has gone before!” Harry from 'The Accident'
'“Look, James, Sirius and I are in a bit of a pickle. Could you help us?”
“What do you need help with?”
“Well, for starters, the strange man staring at my rear.”
“I thought you liked it when Sirius did that.”
“I do. But I do not like it when fifty-stone men who may or may not be named ‘Bubba’ do it.”' James and Remus from 'Thin Blue Line'
'"You must uphold the Snape family honor, comport yourself always with the utmost dignity, and try your level best to dislodge the giant potions text which has been rammed up your father’s ar...from"And The Truth Shall Cage You"
'“Do I really have to rewrite this?”
“Unless you want to hand it in with ‘COMMA, YOU Bstrd!’ written all over it… yes,”' Sirius and Remus from 'Lacking in Commas'
"Hello my name is Harry Potter, sir, and I came here by clapping my hands" Harry Potter from 'Harry Potter Heir to the hogwarts founders'
'After waking up soaked in milk amid shouting, screaming, and possible murder, and then finding his dorm mates equally soaked, blaming each other and attempting said murder, Harry was willing to bet his Firebolt, Hedwig and his entire collection of Weasley jumpers that the day was only going to get weirder. 'from 'Deaths Manager'
'Harry, you really need to calm down. I'm redirecting your emotions the best I can but you're about to explode. The rat is dead. Calm down. (mione)
Yeah mate, I've drained off enough energy to fill four power stones and you're aura's still vibrating and pulsing. The shield and filters won't hold up if you get any more riled up.
Ok. The rat's dead. He's dead and he's blue and scaley. The rat's dead, we stuck his head up his butt almost literally. The rat's dead and so is Moldyfart. Think happy thoughts. Aunt Marge as a balloon, no more Dursleys, my parents are alive, Snape in drag –ooo bad image! Alright I'm good.
Thank Merlin.' from ' Deceptive Rewards'
'Lily gave him a look that by all accounts on Peter's strength of will, should have killed him.' from ' All Kidding Aside'
"Very difficult indeed! Hmm, plenty of courage, no doubt about that! Extremely cunning and sly and will go to any end to get done what is needed. Most definitely not Hufflepuff material. I do believe you would kill and eat them. Extremely intelligent! Hmm, I would sorely love to put you in either Gryffindor or Slytherin, but I believe you do not have the patients to deal with people who will want to pry into your life. The only problem is that Ravenclaw will want to study you as though you are a wild animal, which by all means you are,Well, it had better be GRYFFINDOR!" the SortingHat from 'The Forgotten'
"Ah, boys! What can I do for you this glorious morning? Is something wrong? Harry, you didn't eat any of your house mates, did you," Dumbledore from 'The Forgotten'
“Kinky,I didn’t mean that. I meant to say, ‘good kink’. No. Idea. Good idea.” Draco from 'Pigtails'
“He forgot the shrivelfig and now all I can talk about is how incredibly shaggable he is, and Snape is asking me terrifying questions about you, and Dumbledore is useless and wants biscuits!” he whined as calmly as he could. “Fix. Everything.”Draco from 'Pigtails'
“So, You’re going to send us into a Terrifying Forest of Death in search of a plant that will make us confused, and then expect us to find our way back out alive, and then have me not kill you in a befuddled yet wrathful state of frenzy. Have we just met?” Draco from 'Pigtails'
"He said that you two shouldn't get married because you were too in love with each other and that anything that makes a person as deliriously happy as you two obviously were is usually a highly illegal and controlled substance." Ginny from 'Hermione's Grief'
'Remus spluttered. It was as if Sirius had asked why he couldn’t go down to breakfast in the Great Hall naked and wearing a purple bonnet – and he had asked that, in fifth year.' from 'If It Makes You Happy'
“But, the guy from the store thinks we are exploited children from Mozambique forced to disguise and buy alcohol for their masters” James from 'One birthday glory''
‘Harry Potter, Boy Hero, Reasonable Rates, Available for Weddings, Bar mitzvahs and Dark Lord Slaying’.a shirt from 'Sunset over Britain'
‘Who peed in Voldemort’s gene pool?’ a shirt from 'Sunset over Britain'
'I Broke Into The Department of Mysteries And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!' a shirt from 'Sunset over Britain'
“Oh, Merlin! The last time I saw a look like that was the night before James, Sirius, Remus and Peter put a Fidelis charm on every bathroom in the school, then sold the locations to people for a galleon per bathroom,” McGonagol from 'Sunset over Britain'
The-boy-who-wouldn’t-bloody-die-and-had-to-get- turned-into-a-girl-rather-unwillingly-which-led-him-to-the-serious- consideration-towards-giving-himself-to-the-enemy-to-at-least-know- where-he-stood’ from 'PMS or how on Earth did Harry end with him?'
" I was in bed for three days with a hangover; the maid of honor woke up with an interesting tattoo where only her most intimate friends would ever see it and the best man came to in Morocco. I never did find out how that herd of llamas got into the astronomy tower though.” from 'Harry Potter and the New Day Dawning'
“But one more Scottish tune and Minerva will grab a claymore and invade England.”from 'Harry Potter and the New Day Dawning'
"like the time James had cast a spell wrongly and all the books in the Ancient History section had developed crushes on Remus. Remus had not spoken to James for three weeks after that incident." fromWhen Bad Spells Get Worse, And Then Better
"I don't know about valuable," answered Harry, "I mean after all, what ever he took fit inside the pocket of his coat."
"This is Hagrid you're talking about Harry," said Ron through a mouth full of eggs, "he could tuck a large goat in there and probably lose it." From Blind Faith
“ The war with Voldemort, or course. I’m sure you’ve heard of him. Tall fellow. Red eyes. You can’t miss him.” Heather Evans from 'Amulet of Time 4: There and Back Again'
“Prongs is paralytic, Wormtail was found doing unspeakable things to crabs, and we’re stuck on what seems to be a desert island. This must be your fault.” Remus from 'Lord of the guys'
“Hermione, you’ve sat classes with that lot. You know how stupid they are. Those pureblood fanatics are going to hold onto their bigotry until they are dragged, kicking and screaming, into the twentieth century.” He shrugged and smiled. “That being the case I’d rather we were doing the kicking and they were doing the screaming.” Harry from 'Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past'
“Not with the ‘great fake’ and ‘what’s that in the back of my head’ as predecessors,” George from 'Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past'
“Why would I want to remove it? That is my proof that I was ripped up one side and down the other by a phoenix. It isn’t often I get my intelligence insulted by an avian. This is going in my scrapbook, regardless of the quality of the handwriting, or should I say beak-writing?” the shopkeeper from 'Dark pheonix'
“The island prison of Azkaban wishes you a pleasant day,” the voice finished resolutely. “Please do not feed the dementors.” from 'dimension hopping for begginers'
Harry took a moment to fantasize Dumbledore in a striped jail suit, behind bars with a large boyfriend named Bubba'
from 'Harry Potter and the Manipulator of Destiny
“I hope disillusionment works for air traffic radar” Harry grinned. “They will never understand a low-flying horse.” Harry from 'Harry Potter and the Manipulator of Destiny
Grawp’s eyes glittered as the battle ignited. Hagrid was using a log to bash in the heads of werewolves, so he looked for something he could use. Not finding any logs handy, he picked up a struggling Death Eater by the legs and used him as a club. The Death Eater did not appreciate it, but he didn’t protest for very long.'from 'Harry Potter and the Manipulator of Destiny
In the “Potions class” a total of 8 billion points were taken from Gryffindor, along with three Gryffindor souls when their points for the next hundred years ran out.' from Alternate Ending to Recnac Transfaerso
“The ladies and I are going shopping, while the gentlemen will be doing stuff that will require me to pick you up from the local police station…I already asked James.” Lily from 'Is Dumbledore Sane?'
'The rather outlandish prank plans of James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, in particular the one involving a blue chicken, the one that cannot be discussed in a public forum or in front of anyone not aged between 12 and 37, and the one that left Lily glowing radioactive green for six weeks ' for"Harry's Sanity"
'Composing himself, he continued on his way to the owlery. But he would then be headed directly to the headmaster's office, to report that the very walls of Hogwarts had begun making fun of the Dark Lord.'from 'A better Man'
'“I think it was something along the lines of ‘Do not, under penalty of prolonged torture and a slow painful death, call me Sally the wonder snake!’ ' Rowena to Salazar in 'Training in the Past: Age of the Founders'
“Now the black switch is strictly for when you’re parking the bike in a muggle area, and don’t want to get ticketed or noticed. It’s a high level muggle repellant charm, just like the one that surrounds Hogwart’s grounds. Any muggle won’t see the bike with the switch activated, and if they get within two feet, they’ll suddenly have the overbearing urge to kiss the closest Bobby they can find. You can use it to get out of a ticket if you get pulled over as well, and I think watching the Bobby try to kiss himself would be rather fun” Sirius from 'Harry Potter and the Power of Time'
'Harry had found Defense Against the Dark Arts to be both frustrating and exciting at the same time. The mass amounts of curses, hexes, and jinks that did some of the weirdest things amazed the boy, and yet, even while there were a great many, it was impossible to tell when he would ever need to learn how to make someone grow an itchy third nipple on their forehead. That particular question was answered when Nick entered the room. The alchemist wasn't sure he liked the huge grin that spread on the boy's face.'from 'Living in Mortal Hell: The Story of Harry Potter '
“When my mother died I took the Black fortune and went a little crazy. I woke up one day with blue eyebrows, no body hair, wearing a tutu and clutching a deed of ownership. It turned out that in the middle of some drunken binge I’d bought and paid for my own quidditch team. So I named them ‘The Middlesex Marauders’, Prongs is the symbol and we are currently sitting smack bang in the middle of the league.” He smirked at Ron. “Let me guess, you are a whole reality away and the Canons still can’t win a game?” Sirius from "A New World"
“POTTER HAS GOTTEN INTO GRYFFINDOR TOWER! HE TURNED MY HAIR PINK AND TURNED COLIN INTO HIS ZOMBIE SLAVE! WE MUST DESTROY HIM BEFORE HE TURNS THE QUIDDICH TEAM INTO YO-YOS!” Ron from 'Harry Potter and the turn of the tides'
'leaving Remus terribly frustrated and wearing a wedding dress' from a dream in ' The ficlet that wouldn't end'
"Ron, my friend, must I remind of you of the incident last week involving Neville, those poor rabbits, a slightly withered mint plant, and apple fritters?" Harry from 'Subjected to Rumor' on Dragons Gate
'Severus didn’t quite know what was happening. Either the surrealism of the moment had driven away the hunger, thirst, and pain (both physical and mental), leaving him with a sharp clarity he hadn’t known in years…or the hunger, thirst, and physical and mental pain had driven him insane and he only thought that insanity was clarity. Both were distinct options at the moment.' From "Me, Myself and I"
"He was eight months along and Poppy had to tie him down to prevent him from going out to the battle field to find Kingsley. And his mood swings were something to remember. I can still recall the time he started to yell at a full-grown Hungarian Horntail. The dragon backed away first." Harry from 'Prove it'
'The two men and the wolf looked in astonishment as, with a loud cry, a small form ran between them and launched itself at the wolf’s neck in glee. “Uncle Moony! Uncle Moony! Can I have a ride, can I, please?” Shaun didn’t wait for an answer but swung one leg up and over the wolf, grabbing thick handfuls of fur to climb the beast until he was firmly settled on the huge wolf, both hands firmly snagged into the fur as he kicked both heels into the animals side yelling, “Go Uncle Moony, go!” The wolf looked back at the two men who were now laughing at it, and giving a wolf shrug started slinking around the room in resignation.' from 'Growing Up Snape'
'He surveyed the students before him for a short time and then said in a booming voice that echoed through the entire of the great hall, “Yo tengo un gato en mis pantalones!”' Dumbledore at the start of the term feast in 'Harry Potter and the Unexpected Arrival'
“I believe some…congratulations are in order for some recent revelations, but perhaps this could be moved to a more…private location?” he suggested delicately.
Which was Dumbledore-speak for, “Good job on coming out of the closet, now go find a bloody closet.” from 'Revelations'
“Here’s what happened. Ginny was complaining that I never do anything romantic for her, and then I began pointing out all the romantic things about a moonlit evening. She could never see past the fact that our hair was caked with a pungent green mud and we were no longer welcome in Essex County.” Harry from "You Did What!"
'It took nearly all of James willpower to not blurt out loud, ‘It’s The Mother reloaded!’' from "You Did What!"
'This was not oatmeal. This was confirmed with Remus and Sirius bursting out laughing. Peter merely looked mystified. Obviously, he had not been included in the joke.
“Padfoot…Moony…” he addressed Sirius and Remus, mouth still full of who- knows-what. Lily began to giggle. “What the hell is this?”
“You don’t wanna know, mate.” Sirius said.
“Ask Snape. We nicked it off of him.” Remus added.
“You see, the chunks were really hard to mash-
“And it kept yelling at us in Japanese-
“How it managed that, I’ll never know, seeing as how it didn’t have a face!”' from 'A Queer Valentines day'
'Ah Harry said sagely. Booty calls.' Harry to Tom from "Down With Dumbles"
"Founders of Hogwarts, they’re immortal and helping us out. Salazar and Godric are sleeping together and Helga and Rowena are madly, truly, deeply in love. Nagini and Fawkes are in cahoots though I don’t know how, Dobby’s on our side, Hogwarts has conscious and Severus is pregnant with his and Lucius’ love child.” Harry from "Down With Dumbles"
‘We’re sorry, the mind you are trying to reach is unavailable to you. Please try again so it can kick your arse.’Harry to Snape from 'Future Imperfect'
'For a little green tinted elf, she could be a strong black woman when she wanted to be.' from 'Harry Potter and the Other Azkaban Story'
'“What did I do to deserve this?” asked Voldemort turning to Wormtail for answers.
“Mass murder, attempted murder, extortion, gambling, petty theft, illegally changing your name, necrophilia, the clubbing of small baby seals, jaywalking, vandalism, and ripping those small tags off of mattresses,” said Wormtail dully.' from 'Darkness Unleashed'
'Snape shrugged. “Not nearly as shocking as finding an exact three-dimensional replica of Minerva’s buttocks pasted onto my mirror one morning. That was Weasley generation five, I believe.”
Voldemort turned to him and smirked. “And how did you know it was Minerva’s buttocks?”
“Generation three. Long story.” from 'Breaking Tradition'
'"You're the pirate and I'm the beautiful wench!" Neville burst out in a tremble.
Snape's eyes widened, and he sputtered out a cough, but he backed away without giving them detention.
"I think you scared him off," Ron whispered, "Good on you, Neville."' From 'Harry Potter and the Slippery Secret'
"It is kind of important, Bones," Jim said, rocking on his heels.
"Are you bleeding?"
"Are you hearing voices?"
"Then you can wait." McCoy turned back to Spock with finger extended and brain quickly gathering together every combination of green-blooded and pointy-eared insult that he could imagine.
"It's just I think I might be pregnant."
McCoy's brain crashed.' From Four Times Kirk Was't Embarassed
-Non story quotes
'If we must die--let it not be like hogs
Hunted and penned in an inglorious spot,
While round us bark the mad and hungry dogs,
Making their mock at our accursed lot.
If we must die--oh, let us nobly die,
So that our precious blood may not be shed
In vain; then even the monsters we defy
Shall be constrained to honor us though dead!
Oh, Kinsmen! We must meet the common foe;
Though far outnumbered, let us show us brave,
And for their thousand blows deal one deathblow!
What though before us lies the open grave?
Like men we'll face the murderous, cowardly pack,
Pressed to the wall, dying, but fighting back!' 'If We Must Die' by Claude McKay
"DO NOT APPROACH DRAGON, for he thinks you are crunchy and good with ketchup." -Anonymous
One SONG can spark a moment
"To err is human, to really screw things up requires a computer" - Anonymous
where we are headed... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?’ from the profile of Nocturnal Princess
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
'I disagree with all he says but I'll defend to death his right to say it.' by Voltaire
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams
"I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that do not work" -- Thomas Edison
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum - Srew you and the horse you rode in on. - Anonymous
'Smile in the face of adversity - and adversity will probably think you’re taking the piss and beat the crap out of you.' from the profile of 'Talkin’ of Normality '
'There are very few problems that can’t be resolved with an order ending with ‘or I’ll shoot’.'from the profile of 'Talkin’ of Normality
'History is the sum total of things that might have been avoided.' from the profile of 'Alaranth-88'
"If you love someone set them free. If they come home, set them on fire" -George Carlin
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."-Mark Twain
"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards."- Robert Heinlein
"Everything in this room, everything you see is eatable. Even I myself am eatable--except that is called cannabalism, children, and it is frowned upon in most societies."
"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad." -- Norm Papernick
'Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy'. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
' Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible?'--Douglas Woodruff
'Things To Do At Wal-Mart While You Wait For Your Family To Shop:
1. Get boxes of condoms and put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and announce in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
4. Put some M&M's on lay-away.
5. Set up a tent in the camping department. Tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
6. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
7. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
8. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
9. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
10. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' from the profile of 'Devonny Rose'
"Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them nearly as much."Oscar Wilde
"I have opinions of my own- strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush (doesn't it just make you all warm and fuzzy knowing this man runs our country)
"Life is Pain, anyone who says different is selling something." The Dread Pirate Roberts from 'The Princess Bride'
'War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.'- ananomous
"Let us all be thankful that nuclear war was avoided or we all would have been cremated equal." from the profile of 'Neo-Kitty'
'All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken:
The crownless again shall be king.' Bilbo on Aragorn, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. (Book)
"When life hands you lemons, make grape juice and then let the world wonder how you did it" from the profile of 'Pirotess'
"Friends are those who bail you out of jail. BEST friends are those that are sitting next to you saying, 'Damn! That was fun!'"' from the profile of 'Sea Chelle
"As I lay in bed last night, looking up at the stars and the moon, I thought to myself, 'Where the hell is my ceiling?'" from the profile of ' Silver pup
"He's a couple all by himself!" from the profile of ' Silver pup
"Warning: Trespassers will be shot
Survivors will be shot again." from the profile of ' Silver pup
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his." from the profile of ' Silver pup
"Lately, I've been thinkin' about whos in charge
'bout Who they Are
And are they looking down and laughing hard" From a song by Bare Naked Ladies
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, The Astrology Nerd, brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, The Gypsy-Pirate Queen, deathxbyxdawnxgurl, weasleybabe24, ga nat nat, evil older sister
98 of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that annoyingTrix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or the vise versa copy this into your profile
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!
If you have ever ran into a door, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile
If you forgot your phone number when some one asks for it copy this into your profile
If you have ran striaght into a window that you thought was an open door copy this into your profile
If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile
If you are Harry Potter obsessed, copy this into you profile and add your name: Ga Nat Nat, Evil Older Sister
If you are a smart blonde, post this in your profile and add your name: Ga Nat Nat, Evil Older Sister
You know you live in 2007 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don’t have a screenname or my space
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn’t even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.
'If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.'
'I can picture in my minds eye a world without war, a world without hate, and I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it-...'
'I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string.'
I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMT stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my 'kind.'
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"
--IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS--
Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic
Her only friend was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair
She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound
Until her parents unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endure
A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?
But she grabs her bear
And softly cries
She loves her parents
But they want her to die
She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking, "Please God, why is
My life always sinking? "
Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did
Then one night
Her mom came home high
And the poor child was beaten
As hours went by
Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made
She thrust the blade
Right in her chest,
"You deserve to die
You worthless pest!"
The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying
Police showed up
At the small little house
Then quickly barged in
Everything quiet as a mouse
One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the little girl
Lying on the floor
It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms
IF YOU IGNORE THIS WITHOUT READING IT YOU HAVE NO HEART...BUT IF YOU FIND YOU CANNOT STOP UNTIL YOU REACH THE END THEN YOU MUST HAVE A VERY BIG HEART.
Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school
He told his friends that it was cool
And when he pulled the trigger back
It shot with a great crack Mummy
I was a good girl I did what I was told I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold
But mummy when I went to school that day,
I never said goodbye
I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry
When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another
And all because he got the gun from his older brother
Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much
And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister that she is the only one now
And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best
Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest
Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class
And never to forget this and please don't let this pass
Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this
Mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss
And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try
I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry
Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest
But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest
Mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack
Mummy listen to me if you would I wanted to go to college I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with daddy On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married
I wanted to have a kid
I wanted to be an actress
Mummy I wanted to live
But mummy I must go now
The time is getting late
Mummy tell my Chris I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date
I love you mummy I always have I know you know it's true
Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you"
In memory of the Columbian students that were lost Please if you would Pass this around I'd be happy if you could Don't smash this on the ground If you pass this on Maybe people will cry Just keep this in heart For the people that didn't get to say "goodbye" Now you have two choices 1) repost and show you care 2)ignore it and you have just proven you have a low-down, cold-heart (Please just copy and paste this on to your site and show that you care)
For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I LIVE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY THAN MY NATIONALITY, so I MUST not care about my home country and be a terrorist.
I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST have ginger hair and wear a skirts (It's actually called a kilt).
I'm QUIET when I don't know you so I MUST be emo or anti-social.
I HAVE ASPERGER'S SYNDROME, so I MUST be unable to communicate.
I'm ICELANDIC, so I MUST wear a horned helmet.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
Seriously, why can't we just learn to GET TO KNOW people before we judge, savvy?
Girls Don't Realize These Things
I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you
I'm sorry That I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk
I'm sorry That my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants
I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised
I'm sorry That I'm not cute enough to be "your guy"
I'm sorry That I am actually nice; not a jerk
I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things
I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club
I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy.
I'm sorry That I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date
I'm sorry That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy
I'm sorry That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend
I'm sorry If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around
I'm sorry If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work
I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.
I'm sorry If you read this and know somebody like this but don't care
But most of all
I'm sorry For not being sorry anymore
I'm sorry That you can't accept me for who I am
I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.
I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...
I'm sorry That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
I'm sorry That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.
I'm Sorry That I cared
I'm sorry that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.
Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?" Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.
If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'
If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'
To Every Girl:
To every girl that is SCARED to put her heart out there again, because she has been HURT too many times or so badly.
To every girl that has been cheated on, because she won't give it up to any guy.
To every girl that dresses cute, not sexy.
To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot.
To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present for you.
To every girl who gets her heart broken, because he chose that b instead.
To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.
To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess.
To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.
To every girl that won't put out just to get a boyfriend.
To every girl that just wants to hold hands.
To every girl that kisses him with meaning.
To every girl who just wishes he cared more.
To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.
To every girl who just wants him to call.
To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him.
To every girl that just wants to cuddle.
To every girl that just wants to actually sleep in the same bed.
To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.
To every girl that thought "maybe this one could be the one."
To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it is funny.
To every girl who is just looking for that one and only, and is having a rough time along the way.
To every girl that doesn't want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.
To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.
To every girl who doesn't just want to be another pretty face.
To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.
To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face. Never again.
To every girl that has faith that "Tomorrow will be a better day." And it will be.
If you are a nice girl put this on you profile under the title : "To every girl."
If you are a guy that thinks every girl should try to think about even a few of these things repost it as "I am looking for this girl" or if u have this girl put this on you profile under the title " I have this girl"
And if you can, add another line
Current Fave Quote
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans... Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage
THREE things to ponder:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't
The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
I'm issueing a challenge-
-Ron, Draco, Harry, and Hermione are forced to stay at the dursley's for some sort of school program. they can't use magic
-The dursley's must abuse Harry and make the others work.
-Hermione has to have been abused in the past and Harry has to know abnout it, she has to know about his abuse too
-neither of them can thimk anything is wrong with the way the dursleys act.
Please review one of my stories with the names of the stories that fit the challenge thankyou I just added a Harry Potter AU C2 comunity to join the staff or recomend a story review one of my other stories, I am also looking for staff
--cut below this line--
The sorting hat says that I belong in Hufflepuff!
Said Hufflepuff, "I'll teach the lot, and treat them just the same."
Hufflepuff students are friendly, fair-minded, modest, and hard-working. A well-known member was Cedric Digory, who represented Hogwarts in the most recent Triwizard Tournament.
Take the most scientific Harry Potter Quiz ever created.
--cut above this line--
Hello again, I've just created a fanfic website and am in desperate need of fics(hint, hint), check it out, just click on the homepage above
This is a great fic called 'Dividing the world' on Azkaban's Lairgo here to read it:
Here is yet another fic from Azkaban's Lair: Lest We Forget by Roma
This is an utterly Hilarious story from Varying Degrees of Fiction, The Horror of Hogwarts, Enjoy
This is the most awsome story ever, Read it. You know you want to : Sunset over Britain