Poll: I'm working on Hidden Secrets, and I have ten chapters already written. I have an idea about what is going to happen when Link pulls the Master Sword, and I know where Michael goes, so I don't need help with that. What my question is, if you want Link to be with Zelda or with another character. I have a character in mind already for Michael, and trust me, Michael and Zelda can NOT be together. Eww. *Shudders* So, Link with Zelda, or another character? Vote Now!
Author has written 9 stories for Legend of Zelda, X-overs, and Charmed.
Update as of October 30, 2014:
Hello my good readers. These past few months have been hell. I got attacked and burned with a butane lighter on my shoulder, which left scares. I went to Nashville, then moved to California, and found a boyfriend in the process. Now, I am happier, and healthier than ever, thanks to him. I wish that I hadn't lost so much along the way, but I did. I lost all the stories I was going to put up, so I might write on here again, I might not. But I do know I will be on here as often as possible, at least reading. And talking to all of you. So send me a PM, and I will answer it ASAP. I hate saying it, but I lost all my books I was going to publish too, so that is a shame. I have lost too many good friends, to death, long before their time is up, and now I won't even be able to be with my family. Take care, and love your family and friends cause you never know when the last time you see them is. Take life and live each day like it's your last. Take care, and have a good life.
PS: I will still be on here, just in case my inspiration is brought back, and to read all of your lovely stories. Take care people.
Annnnd I'm gone for today!!!!!!!
Today was not a good day... I think that I just lost two potentially good friends, and I hate myself for that. Why can't I just keep some friends, and not be alone? Is that so hard for me? I hope they don't hate me.
Videogames I have beaten:
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap
Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons
Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages (Linked Games)
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
The Legend of Zelda (The Original Game)
Pokémon: Yellow/Blue/Red Versions
Pokémon: Fire Red/Leaf Green Versions
Pokémon: Crystal Version
Pokémon: Emerald/Sapphire Versions
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Red Rescue Team
Super Mario Bros. Deluxe
Super Mario World
Super Mario Bros. 3
Lego Star Wars (The Prequal Trilogy)
Videogames I am working on:
Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Super Mario 64
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: Master Quest
Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
Super Mario Bros. 2
This was not originally written by any of our users, but has had many lines added. Feel free to add a line if you wish.
I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag every day.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the guy that lives on the streets because I am scared to go home.
I am the prostitute working the streets because I can't find anybody who will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had.
I am the Christian that can’t find a pastor to marry me to a woman in the eyes of God.
I am one of the lucky ones I guess, who survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones, I killed myself just weeks before graduating.
I am the child that dreams of seeing my mum again, but the courts won’t let me because she lives with another woman.
I am the man who fears that I will never be able to be myself, to be free of this secret because I won’t risk loosing my family and friends.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised, because the court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the brother that gets called a fag just because my brother isn’t ashamed of who he is.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the girl that was raped behind my school because some stranger wanted to teach me to be a “real woman”.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the guy down the street that can’t get a disability pension because my partner is a man.
I am the woman who died when the paramedics stopped treating me because they found out I didn't have a female body.
I am the man that is afraid of losing his job, for expressing his true identity.
I am the mother that sees my son come home from school every day in tears because the other kids call him a girl.
I am the celebrity that wishes I could tell the world who I am, but I'm too scared.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the Youth Worker that sees hundreds of kids thrown out of home because they were honest with their families.
I am the girl that struggles to get up in the morning because school is so cruel to me.
I am the footballer scared to come out because I might lose my contract.
I am the boy that always wanted a Barbie, but no one would let me have one.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most: love.
I am the woman that wants to join the army, but my family wont let me because I would look like a dyke.
I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I’m a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to “teach me a lesson”.
I am the bisexual whose friends don't want her to go to a movie with them because there'll be a homophobe there, and they don't want him to get mad at them for inviting me.
I am the girl who can't hang out with girls because they assume that if I'm nice to them I have a crush on them.
I am the teenager who doesn't tell my mother the truth in fear she'll tell my homophobic father.
I am the bisexual who does not tell her parents for fear of being shunned for what I am.
I am the woman now 50 who vowed at 13 never to hide the fact I am bisexual.
I am the woman who learned the true meaning of love and commitment from a couple together for more than 40 years, both of whom I called Uncle.
I am the man who lost his family, because my mother's devotion to her religion was stronger than her maternal love for her son.
I am a woman who lost her family, because they simply couldn't accept, that I am bisexual and I have as the same rights to be happy as everyone has.
I am the gay teenager whose zealot parents yanked him out of public school and threw him into an academically inferior fundamentalist religious school in an attempt to un-gay him.
I am a woman who lost her virginity because her best friends decided for her that she had to be with a man before she can decide she's gay, so they drugged her one night and set her up with two guys.
I am the gay kid whose mother won't accept his sexuality.
I am the transsexual woman who doesn't think transsexuals are just fodder for comedy.
I am the gay man whose parents disowned me for being gay and then refused to come to my funeral when I died of AIDS.
I am the girl who tried to kill herself more times than she can count because it was easier than telling her father his son was a lesbian.
I am the girl who's fine with two women being in love.
We are the parents who will love our boys no matter who they choose to love when they grow up.
I am the boy whose friend committed suicide at 14 because he was harassed at school and called a fag.
I am the child told to never come back home,ever, because I made the mistake of trusting in the love of my parents.
I am the mother that has no issue with my son wanting the "girl" toy in his Happy Meal instead of the "boy" toy.
I am the bisexual girl who has to watch her mum bow her head, close her eyes, fold her hands and pray for her soul every time she say another girl is pretty or that maybe she doesn't want to marry a man.
I am the woman who married a man because that's what I was "supposed to do" even though I really wanted to marry a woman.
I am the father of a gay woman, and I *DO* accept her sexuality and I also accept her wife as my daughter-in-law.
I am the girl who supports gay marriage even when her religion is against it, because God supports love.
I am the woman who wants nothing more than to marry the woman of her dreams because deep down inside, I have always wanted a wife.
I am the man who wanted to join the military but whose honour prevented him from lying about who he loves.
I am the girl who, when supporting homosexuals, was asked if she was bisexual or lesbian and when the answer was no, the other person was surprised.
I am the man whose parents had abused because I could not be the daughter they always wanted.
I was the boy who was told I couldn't sing because only "real men don't perform in musicals and choirs."
I am the bisexual single mother who hopes for a better, more accepting future for my son.
I am the straight woman who will accept all my fellow humans for what and who they are because I would like them to do the same for me, and who also believes that equal rights under the law apply to EVERYONE.
I am the openly lesbian mother who helplessly watched all 3 of her daughters get ridiculed for having lesbian mothers, whose friends were never allowed to sleep over, who were never invited for sleepovers with those brave enough to be their friends.
I am the man whose nephew tells me he doesn't care what any one says about me, he will love me no matter what.
I am the lesbian who stands tall knowing I answer to no one but Jesus.
I am a soldier that loves his country enough to lay down his life to defend it, even if my country does not want me
I am the minister who happily performs commitment ceremonies for gay couples, and fights by their side for their right to make it legal.
I am the man who willingly became the target of hate so that I could be the one voice and one set of ears listening to the would-be suicides who had nowhere else to turn.
I am the girl frustrated because I want see my best friend get married one day to the man he loves.
I am the bisexual who is told by both straights and gays that I need to get off the fence and make up my mind.
I am a woman that can't sit freely in your church beside her wife without fear of community backlash on her family.
I am the mother whose children were told by their church and society that I was trying to turn them gay, when I was just trying to raise open-minded boys who could enjoy all things, including dancing, singing, and drama.
I am the lesbian that was demoted and had my hours cut because my boss said my lesbian tattoo is an advertisement that I am gay and that it is "disrespectful".
I am the gay boy part of a true Christian family that knows love crosses far more than the physical form and that love is just that: love.
I am the daughter who argues with her mother on a regular basis about my children's right to choose their own partner, regardless of gender.
I am the school administrator that is fighting to make my school a safe environment for ALL so that everyone feels loved and supported for who they are.
I am the girl who is proud of my baby sister for being unafraid to be her true self.
I am the straight woman who will stand by her Transgender spouse, who will walk in the Gay Pride parade with her GLBT friends, who will return the love and support that the GLBT community has given to her.
I am the man confined to a wheelchair, unable to walk or even feed myself, because of the injuries I suffered at the hands of a group of homophobes.
I am the woman who will never stop fighting against discrimination, not because I'm discriminated against, but because it is WRONG.
I am the young gay girl who is part of a messed up world, who stands up for EQUALITY of all.
I am the gay girl who cries at night, who fakes a smile, who was yelled at for being honest.
I am the country girl who fled her home for the city the moment she graduated and misses home so much, but is too terrified to go back.
I am the girl who has to walk down the hallway every day and pretend to be someone she's not.
I am the mother whose bisexual son would be 33 years old now if he had not committed suicide when he was 17 after a bashing based on his sexual orientation.
I am the perfect little christian daughter who can't tell her parents that she's bi.
I am the girl who can't tell her siblings she's bi because even when it was just rumors they looked at her with disapproval.
I am the friend of two gays, who just wants her friends to not be hated for loving someone of their own gender. Who had to stand next to one of her friends hospital bed because he was beaten for being gay.
We are all around you.
We are the millions that want the hate to end.
And, I am the young man, not even 19, yet, who has been hurt, abused, and bullied from third grade, (when I was nine), and on. I've been to a horrible place, and I've tried hurting myself. I still have the scars on my body. No one knows about them, but me. I am scared to tell my parents about me being with a young man, and loving him. I'm scared of what people think about me.
So please, repost this on your facebook, (if you have one), or on your profile on fanficion, if you believe homophobia is wrong. Maybe, just maybe, we can make the world a little bit safer.
I wrote this after I saw a picture of a kid being hurt by words on Facebook. The picture is titled, "Words Hurt." Yeah. They do hurt. I was hurt by words my entire life. People don't realize that kids are listening, and that just goes to those who were talking behind my back. The rest, who said it to my face, well, they were NOT nice. I want to say something else, but it's not fb friendly. I wish that people would understand that what they say affects not just them, but everyone around them. Trust me. I know how it feels to be hurt so much, that there is no hope. I lost a lot of hope during the past nine years, and now, I'm finally picking up the pieces of my life. People don't realize it, but it's the truth. I've hidden behind a mask, and they don't see behind it. My spanish teacher talked to me today, and she asked if I was depressed. The truth is, I'm still getting over it. People say things, and don't know the long term result, until it is too late. I wrote this too, on fb as well... And this as well... I had this sent to me, and I wanted to share it with you. I'm only showing what I was SENT, not what I wrote.
I'm sry for being such a horrible person To you man .its people like you that impact everyone positively with your innocence
(Basically, I told him that I was not innocent, and that I had been hurt my entire life, but this was his response):
Your soul shows.and that touches people
Still picking up the pieces of my life. I overheard two ladies talking in the park about nightmares, and I just wanted to tell them that they don't know what a true nightmare is. I've lived one, and I wanted SO MUCH, just to wake up from it, but I couldn't. I've been hurt so much, that people don't even realize it. I've been yelled at, insulted, and hurt for who I am. I've been rejected by someone in front of my entire class, and they all laughed at me. I was at a program, when my grandmother died, a few days before I turned sixteen. I remember the visit I had with her when I was six. That was the last time I ever saw her. I lived in fear hoping that my parents would let me live with them, even after all the aweful things I did. I stole, I lied, and I hurt people close to me. But have they ever asked why? It's because I've been hurt. I just don't want to hurt them, and have them see the real me. The me that people will take advantage of. I just wish that I could show people who I am, and not have them judge me. I have to hide the fact that I love a guy from my mom and dad, because my dad doesn't accept that I'm bi. Parents are supposed to love their children!!!!! They shouldn't care about what their children like, or who they like. Sure, they can have wishes, but they are still supposed to love them. Sure, people who have gone to RRA, have all had bad things happen to them. Sure, I'll admit that. But try having to be there for four years, not knowing when you are going to get out, if the last PC is the last time you will see your parents. Trust me. It's not a fun idea to entertain. I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my broken heart, and of my life. Trust me. I'm getting better. People only let you see what they want you to see. My spanish teacher talked to me yesterday, and asked if I was depressed. I told her that I'm still getting over it. It's hard. Sometimes, I wish that my life wasn't so hard. Listening to Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road.
--Dedicated to Jeffery Nolen, Kevin, and all my favorite people in the world. Don't give up on love. It seems to get worse, but in the end, you WILL find who you truly love. It doesn't matter who they are, it jsut matters if they love you, and if you love them. Keep it up, and never, NEVER give up hope. Nothing is a lost cause. Not even the one boy that has given up on himself. Believe me. It just gets better, but it has to get worse sometimes. Be there for them. Hold them, and never give up on them.
I wrote this after I saw a picture of a kid being hurt by words on Facebook. The picture is titled, "Words Hurt."
Yeah. They do hurt. I was hurt by words my entire life. People don't realize that kids are listening, and that just goes to those who were talking behind my back. The rest, who said it to my face, well, they were NOT nice. I want to say something else, but it's not fb friendly. I wish that people would understand that what they say affects not just them, but everyone around them. Trust me. I know how it feels to be hurt so much, that there is no hope. I lost a lot of hope during the past nine years, and now, I'm finally picking up the pieces of my life. People don't realize it, but it's the truth. I've hidden behind a mask, and they don't see behind it. My spanish teacher talked to me today, and she asked if I was depressed. The truth is, I'm still getting over it. People say things, and don't know the long term result, until it is too late.
I found this on a facebook account, and I wanted to share it with you. Tell me if tears come to your eyes. Happy Veterans Day!!!!!
Her hair was up in a ponytail Her favorite dress tied with a bow Today was Daddy's Day at school And she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, That she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, If she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; She knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates Of why he wasn't there today. But still her mother worried, For her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, She tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school, Eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees, A dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, For everyone to meet Children squirming impatently, Anxious in their seats. One by one the teacher called, Each student from the class. To introduce their daddy, As seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, Every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, For a man who wasn't there. "Where's her daddy at?" She heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one" Another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, She heard a daddy say, "Looks like another deadbeat dad, Too busy to waste his day." The words did not offened her, As she smiled up at her mom. And looked back at her teacher, Who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, Slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, Came words incredibly unique. "My daddy couldn't be here, Because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, Since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, And how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories He taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, And taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone. Cause my daddy's always with me Even though we are apart. I know because he told me, He'll forever be in my heart." With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, Beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, Her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, Who was wise beyond her years. For she stood up for the love Of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, Doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, Staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, But its message clear and loud. "I love my daddy very much, He's my shining star. And if he could he'd be here, But heaven's just too far. You see he was a fireman And died just this past year. When airplanes hit the towers And taught Americans to fear. But sometimes when I close my eyes, It's like he never went away." And then she closes her eyes, And saw him there that day. And to her mother's amazement, She witnessed with surprise. A room full of daddies and children, All starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they say before them, Who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, They saw him at her side. "I know you're with me Daddy." To the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, Of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, For each of their eyes had been closed. But there on the desk beside her, Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose. And a child was blessed, if only for a moment By the love of her shining bright star. And given the gift of believing, That heaven is never too far
The culture of homophobia in the United States has been bred in churches and classrooms and homes, and reinforced in the school-yard and shopping malls and television sit-coms. For too long this has been allowed to continue, and I make a promise right now, never again will I turn a blind eye or deaf ear, and never again will I hide who I am. Humanity is not an exclusive club. Do not let ignorance and fear convince you otherwise.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter way before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers that are the only loving family I’ve ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
I am the girl who was threatened by her own mother for supporting gays. Little does she know, I am bisexual myself.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when we told her we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was a transsexual.
I am the person who always feels guilty because I feel I could be a better person if I didn’t always have to deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they have closed the doors to my kind.
I am the kid you never heard about on the news, the one who was smashed in the head with a shovel until he couldn’t move, for hitting on another guy.
I am the girl who will never feel fully loved, because I must hide from my family the biggest side of myself.
I am the person who lives in constant fear of discovery, that must constantly cover their tracks, to avoid attack from those who are supposed to love me.
I am the person who must hide what the world needs most, love.
I hereby state that I will never again fall slave to the prejudice that has infiltrated our society, and never again will I allow myself, nor anyone around me, to be victimized by it. I hold myself above those who discriminate, and by doing so, I am setting an example for those who have not yet seen the cruelty of their actions.
I am the person who made the world a better place.
Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong
I am just a young man, like any other. I like a lot of foods, but not all. I love country music, video games, Runescape, reading, writing, etc. I am a big supporter of people who care about themselves, and who want to do better with their lives. We all have problems that we have to deal with, and we just have to take care of them. I have ADHD, and I was in a depression, and stole things, and did things I am not proud of, but we all have things that we don't want to talk about. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't. We should work on what we have to work on, and not push it down. If we do, then it will just come back to haunt us.
A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.
As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone.
Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won't repost it?
Repost this if you truly believe in God.
If you are insane but intellegent, put this in your profile!
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (But, when else will I be able to do my hair?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (Ohhh...see, I thought different soap had different methods of use.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (I'd say that method of ironing works very well.)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (That is correct, we need to stop them five year olds from driving them fancy cars.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Well, isn't that the intention?)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (I had no idea there was an in-between use.)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (..I have no idea what that means..)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Go figure...I wanted almonds!)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Good to know.)(Too bad about the other guy who everyone now calls 'Stumpy.')
On plastic wrapping: "Do not put on head...may result in suffocation." (But...suffocation is fun!)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity. Copy and paste this into your profile! XD
female come backs
pick up line comebacks, add to it
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
GIRLS REPOST THIS AS "female comebacks"
37 Things to do in an Elevator
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.
23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell people that you can see their aura.
35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."
19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
15 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"
FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.
BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.
FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.
FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.
FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.
BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - girl - run!"
FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN! We messed up!"
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds aft that left you
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!
FRIENDS: Would read ignore this.
BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this!
2: FRIENDS: Will support you if your boyfriend broke up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will prank call your ex, saying, "You will die within seven days," and scare the shit out of him.
And the BEST ONE OF ALL TIME:
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Have the best shoulder to cry on.
BTW: Just some of my favorite songs:
1) Titanic: Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave.
Please copy and paste this, but fill the questions out in your own words, onto your profile.
When I First Saw You...
I Was Afraid to Meet You...
When I First Met You...
I Was Afriad to Kiss You...
When I First Kissed You...
I Was Afriad to Love You...
But Now That I Love You...
I'm Afraid to Lose You...
Just a poem that I found on Youtube, and I thought I would share it with you. Don't let yourself be afraid to love. If it goes wrong, then so what? Have you ever heard of the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." I am going to live by that saying, for the rest of my life, even though it's harder than it seems, since I just went through a really bad breakup. For all you Christians out there, please pray for me.
A psychology professor at the University of Miami knew his students expected a terrifyingly long final exam.
To play with their minds a little (what do you expect from a psychology professor?) he only put ONE question on the final exam.
He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams and saw the one question.
Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and consternation.
All, that is, except for one student.
He read the question, tapped his pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the test paper.
He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and walked out.
The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote, and smiled.
The professor wrote "100" on the top of that student's test.
The question: What is courage?
The student's answer: This is.
Mental Hospital Answering Machine
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.”
Job at the FBI
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
'We must know that you will follow your
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
The agent said, 'Then you' re not the right man
The second man was given the same instructions.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. ' I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: WOMEN CAN BE EVIL, Don't Mess with them!!
Here is 30 things to do in an exam if you know your going to fail it anyway:
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. (if someone actually does this please tell me)
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
Boeing 757-"Fragile. Do not drop" (Oh. Wow. Really?)
How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby. (Now why would I do that?)
Liquid plummer-"Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages." (Mmmm. Beverages! In a LIQUID PLUMMER!)
Arm and hammer scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets" (Better hope it is.)
Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances" (And those are...?)
Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children." (I'm sure the babies don't need to use baby oil.)
Dog food-"new and improved tasting" (Says who?)
Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Aw, darn, that's what I want this for!)
Sleeping pills-"Warning: may cause drowsiness" (Warning: May not be sleeping pills -.-)
Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (And I use floodlights very often in the light.)
Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Really now? Let's test that.)
RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe." (Good, 'cause I wasn't planning on washing it.)
Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain." (What was your first clue?)
Hair dryer-"Do not use while sleeping" (If someone can do this, please tell me.)
On a bar of Dial soap- "Directions: use like regular soap" (Which means...?)
Some Swann frozen dinners-"Serving sugestion: Defrost" (But it's just a suggestion, really.)
Tesco's dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-"Do not turn upside down" (Too late! Sucker!)
Marks and Spencer Bread pudding: "Warning: product may be hot after heating." (Sorry, but we haven't learned how to cook cold food.)
Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Unless you're masochistic.)
Boots childrens cough medicine: "Do not drive or operate machinary." (Great, I'll make sure to tell the kids who use this about that.)
Korean kitchen knife: "Keep out of children." (No DUH!)
Christmas lights; "For indoor and outdoor use only." (As opposed to outer space.)
Food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Ooh, so it's a guessing game? Let's see who figures out what the other use is first!)
Sainsbury's peanuts:"Warning: may contain nuts." (Well, that's great to know.)
American Airlines package of peanuts; "Instructions: open packet. Eat nuts." (Check. Check. Okay now what? Wait, what happened to the warning? You're supposed to tell me that the packet may contain nuts! Stupid! Duh!)
Swidish chainsaw:"Do not attept to stop chainsaw with hands." (I second that.)
TGWF: Thank God We're Female
Here's a joke...
there are 3 men who need to get across a lake...
the 1st one prays to God asking for the strength to get across...
he gets big muscles and swims across...
but almost dies 5 times...
the 2nd 1 prays to God for the strength and the tools he needs to get across...
he gets his big muscles and boat and rows across...
but he almost dies 3 times...
the 3rd 1 prays to God, for the strength, tools, and the brains...
he turns into a woman...
walks 4 yards...
and crosses the bridge.
Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.
Product Warnings:"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet."Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs."For external use only!" -- On a curling iron."Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron."Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer."Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer."Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device."Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket."Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan."Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists."This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool."Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant."Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard."Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn."Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter."Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a."Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer."Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow."This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater."May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray."Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock.""Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box."Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup."Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter.""Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee."Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush."Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife."Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old."Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery."Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion."Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer."Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven."For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod."For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener."Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener."Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror."Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski."Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm."Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty."Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia."Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone."Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers."Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink."Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate."Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant."Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison."Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757."Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid."Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller."Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels."Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck."Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron."Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine."For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights."Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume."This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door."Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station."Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets."Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box."Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box."Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter."Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy."Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice."May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers."Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan."Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw."Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer."Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts."Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing."Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal."Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it.""Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds."Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills."Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle."Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer."Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain."Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame."Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets."Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack."Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV."For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack."Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone."Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch."Do not wear for sumo wrestling." -- From a set of washing instructions. See a .
Assurances:"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
Small Print From Commercials:"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store."Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean."Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert."For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Signs and Notices:"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere."Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950."These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church."All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire."Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine."Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic."You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos."Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box."Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement."No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer."Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.
Safety Procedures:"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building."In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
Ingredients:"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns."100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater."Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Instructions:"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch."Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills."Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts."Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11."Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap."Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper."Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner."Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits."In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual."Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for anbill."The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle."For heat-retaining corrugated cardboard technology to function properly, close lid." -- On a Domino's sandwich box.
Requirements:"Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.
Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible:
On Sears hairdryer:
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dove soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
On Nytol sleep aid:
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
On a Japanese food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On a child's Superman costume:
1. Perfect? No, No one is. Only Jesus.
2. Tall? I'm taller than my mom. HAHA! LOL! :)
3. In your pajamas? No, I'm wearing American Eagle clothes.
4. Left handed? No, I'm right handed.
1. Friend you saw: Naomi Medina.
2. Person to text you: A friend from my boarding school.
3. Was today better than yesterday? Yes!
1.Number: 7. It's a magical number. It's also considered the number of God.
2. Color(s): Green.
3. Fruit: Pears, cherries, peaches, etc. Oh! And Kiwi! I LOVE KIWI!
4. Place: Fredricksburg, Texas. Yes, I'm a country boy! LOL!
1. Are you missing someone right now? Yes, my grandpa, who died when I was nine years old.
2. Are you happy? Yes, but I still get sad.
3. Are you sad? Every once in a while. I was in a deep depression for a long time, but now I'm over it! =)
4. Are you bored? Sometimes. I play Runescape, write my book on Fiction Press, do Fanfict, etc. Oh, and college.
6. Are you nervous? Sometimes. Like right now. I am having surgery on a cyst on Tuesday, August 14, 2012.
8. Are you tired? Not right now.
1. Real name? Wouldn't you like to know! HA!
2. Nick names? Zanders. But now I like to be called by my name.
3. Eye color? Blue.
4. Zodiac sign? I don't know, nor do I really care.
5. Male or female? Male.
6. Slut? Haven't had a girlfriend, or boyfriend. Yet. (Yes, I'm bi, but who cares!)
7. Smart? Yes, I'd like to think so.
8. Hair color? Blonde.
9. Long or short? Short.
10. Sweats or Jeans? Shorts and Jeans.
11. Phone or Camera? Phone, if I have to. But I prefer a laptop.
12. Drink or Smoke? I will never do those things.
13. Righty or lefty? Right handed!
1. First best friend? Matthew Wade.
2. First crush? Kory Sims. (I can't believe I wrote that! Shame on me! Not!)
3. First pet? Bacardi, my Scottish Terrier. She died last year, in 2011.
4. First big vacation? I don't remember.
1. Eating? Nothing. I take that back. I'm eating muffins that my mom made.
2. Drinking? Nothing. I take this back too. I'm drinking iced tea.
3. I'm about to: Write.
4. Listening to? My playlist of Favorite Songs on Youtube. My account is Rightdie1.
5. Plans for today? Well, I went to the doctor to schedule my surgery, and had her check it out, yes, it was a female doctor. She really knew what she was doing! YAY!
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX or the same sex?
1. Shorter or taller? It doesn't really matter, as long as s/he is nice and treats me with respect.
2. Romantic or spontaneous? I can't decide right now.
3. Sensitive or loud? Sensitive.
4. Hook-up or relationship? Relationship. Is that too much to ask for!?!?!?
HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Drank bubbles? No.
2. Lost glasses/contacts? Yes. I lost my glasses once or twice.
3. Ran away from home? No. Thank God.
4. Broken someone's heart? Yes, I have broken a guy's heart once. His name was Henry. I really liked him, but I just wasn't ready for a relationship then. I still might not be. I am definitely ready for a male/female relationship. But not a male/male one.
5. Been arrested? HELL NO!
6 Attempted Suicide? Yes, sadly. I hate putting this, but I have to tell all of you who think that suicide is the answer, well it is not. It will not help you with your problems. It will only add to them. Plus, if you succeed, then you will go to Hell. Yes, I hate saying that, but it is true.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
1. Miracles? Yes. The interruption when I tried to kill myself is proof of that.
2. Yourself? Yes. I didn't before, but I do now.
3. Heaven?Hell yes! In fact, I'm listening to Blessed Be Your Name, a Christian song. I THANK YOU GOD! BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL ALWAYS PRAISE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
4. Santa Claus? Yeah, I did, and I was devastated when I found out he wasn't.
4. Love? Hell yes! Love is the most powerful feeling anyone could ever have! Especially if it is for someone truly special. I always said that true love cannot be separated, and that is true to this very second.
5. Do you like someone? As in a crush? Yes. it's Naomi. But she already has a boyfriend. Oh well.
6. Do you believe in God? Yes.
7. Answered the truth on all questions? Yes.
1. This gets majorly personal, you ready? Yes.
9. Is there anyone you're missing right now? Yes.
25. Red or green grapes? Red.
36. Will you be in a relationship in the next couple of months? No comment.
49. Do you think guys and girls can be friends without feelings for each other? Yes. I do, because Naomi and I are friends.
61. Do you know what you want to do as a career when you're older? Yes.
Oh, and please read and review my stories. I would really appreciate it! Thank you!
BTW: I am not going to finish The Saga of Michael Storm and Anakin Skywalker. Instead, I am going to start a different story, and it's still going to have the same characters, but mine will have different names, and there will be more characters. I don't know what I'm going to call this story at this time, but it's going to be based in Mobius, and have Earth, the Charmed Ones, Artemis Fowl, Star Wars (Anakin and Obi Wan), Hyrule, Darren Shan, Sonic, and the Mario Bros. Oh, and it will be based in the Green Lantern Universe after a while. Please don't be disappointed in me. I'm just doing my best. Oh, and thanks for reviewing my stories, if you have. If you have not already, then what's taking you so long? PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you!
The Ultimate Destiny story will have a place in my bio soon. As soon as I can, I will put all the characters that have been introduced so far, and put them in here, and put where they came from. And when a new character comes in, I will add them.
BTW: I have five other stories I want to do. I want to make the Ultimate Destiny into a trilogy, and I have a LoZ story in the works, and I want to make a sequal to it. And the most recent one I thought about, was about Earth, past 2050, when your sexuality is what decides on which class you belong to. Upper class, mid class, or lower class. Trust me. I'm going to finish the Ultimate Destiny, (the first part), then do the first part to the LoZ one, the the other, and so on and so forth. So don't give up on me! I'm still working on it!!
Ultimate Destiny Update: I have lost my story for Ultimate Destiny, and I forgot where I was going with it, so if anyone wants to adopt it, let me know through a PM, and I'll see what notes I can give you. But for now, I'm going to be working on Hidden Secrets, and a story called Haunted by the Past.
Hidden Secrets Update: I am making this story into a trilogy, and will feature many characters from the games, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, and *gasp* The Oracle Games. Yes, I want to do those games. I have yet to read a complete Oracle story, and I want to be the first one to do it. It will feature Michael, Link, Zelda, and the other characters as well. Heh heh heh. Anyway, thank you for your time.
Haunted by the Past Update: This is going to be a Charmed fanfiction, and it will be my first one I wrote. The one I posted, I DID write, but I started HbtP first. I don't know when I'll post the first chapter, but hopefully after I finish Hidden Secrets.
Baby Troll: A young, baby troll based on the one you get as a pet in Runescape. He is a comic relief, which I try to put in all of my author notes. No one knows his real name, or so he thinks...
Michael Storm: Another of my muses. He is based off a character in my books, that I will publish sometime in the future.
Sonny/Martin/Grandpa Sonny: Another muse from my books. He is also based off of my Grandfather, who died when I was nine. I LOVE YOU GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!!
And, soon there might be more... MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
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