Author has written 6 stories for How to Train Your Dragon, Minecraft, Highschool of the Dead, Corpse Party, League of Legends, and Kid Icarus.
HELLO PEOPLE WHO CLICKED MY PROFILE!!!!!
I am so very sorry to all of my fans out there. I'm letting you all down. I've been having a few rough patches in terms of physical health. Here's the low-down: In January, I had a massive, week-long coughing-fit. It resulted in ribcage arthritis, and, ultimately, a condition known as costochondritis. It pretty much means that the joints connecting my ribs to my sternum will flare up when overstressed. This took me out of school for about 2 weeks, and I was loopy on this drug called Flexeril. It's pretty weird stuff. It's known as a muscle relaxant, but it has some mental awareness side effects. I was effectively out of commission for the entire month of February. Now that I've explained myself, I promise that by the year's end, I will have SOMETHING new on my stories!
Alien 1: Did the humans get our message?
Alien 2: Yes, but...
Alien 1: But what?
Alien 2: They named it dubstep and they dance to it.
NORMAL PEOPLE/HTTYD FANS:
NORMAL PEOPLE: rely on their local weatherman for the weather forecast
NORMAL PEOPLE: say OMG!
NORMAL PEOPLE: go to a psychiatrist to tell their feelings
NORMAL PEOPLE: say shut up or I'll tell on you!
NORMAL PEOPLE: think that HTTYD fans are crazy
NORMAL PEOPLE: when being chased yell HELP ME SOMEBODY!
NORMAL PEOPLE: get nervous/scared during thunderstorms
NORMAL PEOPLE: would choose somewhere sunny to go for vacation
NORMAL PEOPLE:don't have this on their profile
NORMAL PEOPLE: On a bad day will say "Today is just not my day."
HTTYD: will say "The Gods Hate Me!
I AM A HUGE MINECRAFT FAN!
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school or work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana
7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity . Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile
38 Things to do in an Elevator
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.
23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell people that you can see their aura.
35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."
38. If someone looks at you, scream, "I swear! I only meant to knock him out for a little bit!"
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Here are some sayings that I love:
“I have a life, I just choose not to use it.”
“I’m a pyrotechnition. If you see me running, try to keep up.”
“You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!”
“Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?”
“Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?”
“Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!”
“Education is important, school however, is another matter.”
“Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.”
“You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?”
“Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?”
“We are not retreating… we are advancing in another direction.”
“I’m right ninety-seven percent of the time. Who cares about the other four percent?”
“They say ‘Guns don't kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.That depends on whether you’re in a nursing home or not.”
“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!”
“If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.”
“Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door…”
“If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.”
“Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.”
“Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.”
“Always forgive your enemies--Nothing annoys them more.”
“Don’t mess with me; I've got a stick.”
“There are three kinds of people in the world; people who can count; and people who can’t.”
“Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.”
“I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”
“I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.”
“You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.”
“Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.”
“When life throws you lemons, cut ’em open and squirt the juice in its eye.”
When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.”
“When life throws you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.”
“When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 2 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them."
“I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.”
“Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.”
"Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge."
"The light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming."
"Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head."
"I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over her again."
“Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."
"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."
“Taste the rainbow--eat CRAYONS!!!"
"The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45."
"Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you’ve been good this year… he died laughing."
"Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls." (this is true for me…)
"If you wish on a falling star it might come true...unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth...then no wishes come true...unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth."
“Me, Myself, and I are fighting. I got mad at Myself, and Me got mad at I so now Me, Myself and I are sitting it opposite of my brain. Please help me.”
“There’s a dark cloud over my head, so I’m praying; ‘Lord, please don’t send lightning.’"
“It’s not dead till you poke it with a stick.”
“Fire is a good servant, but a terrible master.”
“There are too many wishes, and not enough stars.”
“Dude. Calm down. It’s gym class.”
“Either snow it up for a snow day or don’t snow at all!”
“Facebook is like a refrigerator. You check it when you’re bored but nothing ever changes.”
Gotta go. I’m not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation.”
“I cry, I feel better. Then I remember why I’m crying and cry harder.”
“I do know, I just don’t feel like telling you!”
“Stop drop and roll doesn’t work in hell.”
“Santa Claus is a creeper. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, he comes down your chimney in the middle of the night with a giant sack of toys--see what I mean?”
“I have six locks on my door. Whenever I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they’re always locking three.”
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
“It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.”
“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”
“When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.”
“A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.”
“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”
“I learned law so well. The day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”
“Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.”
“Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.”
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
“If you're going through hell, keep going.”
“To the world, you are one person. But to one person, you are the world.”
“Would you like a side of epic with that fail?”
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
“Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.”
“When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
“There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.”
“The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”
“Knowing is half the battle. The other half is punching someone in the face.”
“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”
“I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.”
“Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.”
“Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full. I say, “are you gonna drink that?”
“All people have the right to stupidity. Some abuse the privilege.”
“Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?”
“They say no one is perfect. Well, I’m no one.”
“Do not drink and drive--you might spill the drink.”
“When life gives you lemons say “screw you” and go find an orange.”
“Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
“A word to the wide isn’t necessary--it’s the stupid people that need the advice.”
“Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, that way, when you yell, the name will carry.”
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven’t tried before.”
“Cross country skiing is great if you have a small counrty.”
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”
“Get your facts straight, then distort them as you please.”
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?”
“How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
“I wear a necklace ‘cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
“I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started with twenty-eight years ago.”
"I don’t forgive people because im weak. I forgive people because I’m strong enough to realize that everyone makes mistakes."
"By the power vested in me, I now pronouce you deleted and blocked! You may now kiss my ass!"
"If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question."
"You think I’m screwed up? You should meet the rest of my family!"
"Money can’t buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Porche is a lot more comforting than crying on a bicycle."
"Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you next time he is in trouble."
“Alchohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk."
"Three out of two people have trouble with fractions."
"Best friends. We’re the kind of people who laugh at a joke three times. The first time, when it’s told. The second, when someone explains it. The third, five minutes later when we actually get it."
"We’re not sarcastic - We’re hilarious. We’re not annoying - We’re just cooler than you. We’re not mean - We just don’t like you. And we’re not obsessed - We’re just best friends."
"I’ll always be beside you, until the very end, wiping all your tears away, and being your best friend. I’ll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear, I promise I’ll cry too."
"Friends help you with your crack addiction. Best friends are the ones who sold it to you."
"Friends knock on your door and call your parents Mrs. and Mr. Good friends simply open the door and call your parents Mom and Dad. Best friends show up in your room with no warning whatsoever."
"I would just like to let everyone know that I am a girl, and I like ribbons in my hair, and I wanna kiss all the boys." -Griff, RvB
"Got acne? Just ask your girlfriend what to do. Oh, that’s right! You don’t have a girlfriend!"
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police."
"The world is going to hell, and I am driving the bus."
"Three a.m. phone call. 'Hey are you sleeping…?' '“No. I’m skydiving.' "
"I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"If Google didn't exist, we’d all be screwed."
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns left."
"Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home."
"Having children is hereditary. If your parents never had children, odds are you won’t either."
"Remember. There’s no I in ‘Team.’ (But there is an M and an E)"
"A classic is a book that is much praised, but rarely read."
"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"How is it one careless match to start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"
"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end."
"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too."
"I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die." -Mr. Garrison, South Park.
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I’m going to mop the floor with you’re face.' I said, 'You’ll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.' "
"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!"
"What’s the difference between a northern fairy-tale and a southern fairy-tale? A northern fairy-tale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairy-tale begins 'Ya’ll ain't gonna believe this shit…' "
"Haiku's are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator."
"Déjà vu - When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends."
"There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch fire to learn that it’s hot (Totally me)."
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
"Only in America… Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters."
"They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
"People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened (Again, me)."
"What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon."
"How do you get a sweet, little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet, little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!"
"Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals."
"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila, door."
"Why is it in the U.S.: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing a Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: 'There’s a naked person outside!' ”
"English people have different ways of saying things. We say 'elevator' they say 'lift.' We say 'president' they say 'stupid psychopathic git.' "
"This is AMAZING! Why is it free?!"
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( That's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Frito's: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...And you thought??...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off of those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And.. .I'm taking this because??...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this; I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)