Well, I used to have information on here about things I no longer want to discuss, so here are a bunch of quotes I like!
Ah, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us once again!
I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I'm sorry, I didn't know that you were an expert on my life and how I live it. Please, continue whilst I take notes.
It's not that I hate you, it's just that if you posted on Facebook that you were about to jump off a cliff, I'd poke you.
Living on Earth is expensive, but at least it comes with free trips around the sun.
People say you can't live without love. I think oxygen is more important.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Fake is the new trend, and everyone is in style.
Good men are like unicorns. Everyone talks about them, but no one has actually seen one.
I am an angel! The horns are just to keep the halo straight!
My doctor told me I need to kill people. Well, not with those exact words. He said I need to lower the amount of stress in my life. Same thing, really.
I stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now.
While you were out, shit:
( ) Happened
( ) Hit the fan
( ) Rolled downhill
( )-for-brains called
( )-creek is what you're up
Due to the confidentiality of my job, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.
I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators. I tried to call in sick but the bastards talked me out of it.
Doing a good job here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit. You get a warm feeling, but no one else notices.
You don't have to be crazy to work here, we're prepared to train you.
If I died and went straight to Hell, it'd take me a week to realize that I wasn't at work anymore.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
A minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
I don't know when the UFO came and dropped of all these stupid people, but apparently, they aren't coming back for them.
Chaos, panic, disorder... I see my work is done here.
Doing nothing is harder than it looks. You never know when you're done.
Doing nothing is harder than it looks. You don't get to take breaks.
The one who said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
Of course it's always in the last place you look. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
You must have over-slept and missed the Intelligence Train this morning.
"Stalking" is such a strong word. I prefer "Intense research about a certain individual."
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It strolls through, taking the time to get to know each of us personally.