Author has written 2 stories for Avengers.
Hey guys, I honestly don't know what to say...*shrugs sheepishly*
I love to read(duh) and I rarely watch TV. I haven't quite worked up the courage to write anything yet, but I have tons of ideas. If you're in the slumps and have writer's block, PM me and I'll try to come up with something to get your creative juices flowing.
To readers without accounts: The main reason I first set up my account was so that I could contact other FF readers and the only problem I've had was that I couldn't contact reviewers who don't have accounts. So, if you want to get in touch with me outside of reviews or PMs, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Don't be shy! :)
Name: It is typically seen in older literature. That's as much as I'm willing to say.
Avengers Fandom: I like any kind of Tony!Bamf story as long as there's not too many spelling and grammar mistakes because those irritate me like you wouldn't believe. Tony Stark is made of iron, ingenuity, sarcasm,a boatload of daddy issues, and sheer awesomeness. Nobody will ever match him mentally, and, just in case you were wondering, he can totally fight outside the suit. Tony Stark does not yell and bluff, he smiles razorsharp and calmly destroys your credit scores, retirement plans, and, well, your life. He also speaks more languages than the entirety of SHIELD combined. Yup. Pepper is either his surrogate sister whom he adores and tells everything too, or she's his girlfriend who doesn't slap him for doing what he needed to do. Sorry people, I'm just not a big fan of the boyfriend being terrified of his girlfriend thing. Nervous? Sure, but how do you retain a relationship with someone who doesn't let you speak their mind, or whose opinion, ultimately, doesn't matter cause you're just gonna shoot them down when they say something you don't like. Pet peeve- sorry if I stepped on some toes.
Ranger's Apprentice Fandom: The Ranger's Apprentice series is my all time favorite book series. Unfortunately, I really don't like RA fannon, which is just cruel fate. I can not stand Alyss, Cassandra, or Lady Pauline. I'm sorry, but I can't. I was tolerating Cassandra until she threatened to have Halt flogged. Let me get one thing straight. Halt is worth 10 of you princess! I don't care what he said or how loud he yelled at you. He is your friend and the only reason you're still alive. She had an excuse for acting like a brat in the 4th book. She was, what 16, 17? Now she is a grown woman acting like a toddler. Alyss wasn't that much better. She should have trusted Will. I currently have 3 different AUs going on inside my head concerning a Bamf!Will. At least 2 of them concern time travel. I might write them up, you know, eventually.
Sherlock Fandom: I'll tell you what. As soon as I watch more than 2 episodes, maybe see any of the movies, and crack down on the book series I've got stuffed in my closet, I'll tell you what I think.
My thoughts are rather disorganised and my writing reflects that. I also ramble. (Reeeaaaaaalllllyyyy?)
Okay! Time for my favorite quotes/scenes from fics! I have a list of funny quotes but it's HUGE so I'm not going to include it. If you want to read it though, PM me and I can send it to you.
P.S. They're in alphabetical order according to fandom. Also, when I use a line to seperate something but don't write in the fic and author, then the next scene is of the the same fic and chapter.
"The piglet Tony, where is it?" Steve asked, his arms folded over his chest.
"I dunno." Tony said, scrubbing a hand over his face and praying the phantom taste of pork ribs in his mouth didn't mean what he thought it meant. "God I hope we didn't eat it." (Headaches and Hedonism by loyallokigirl)
"You know me, Cap. Can't help but show off. This was my handiwork, by the way, so I think I deserve at least ninety seven percent of the credit. Natasha gets the rest for the dick-underline." (Tony)
"Then why aren't her initials on there too?" (Bruce)
"Um, because I'm the one with the sharpie? Duh." (Tony)
"Uh, not to put unnecessary strain on little miss here, but we should probably get going. Y'know, faster. Slow and steady wins the race, but you know what? I had turtle soup last week, and let me tell you, that little dead turtle spirit was probably kicking itself all the way to little turtle heaven. Or little turtle hell."
The shaking becomes more pronounced. Tony, naturally, panics.
"Uh. I'm sure the turtle was killed very humanely. Or maybe not? I think they boil them alive or something; or is that crab?" Oh Christ. This wasn't as bad as it looked, right? Bruce was over there, shuffling along with that sort of half smile on his face, so it couldn't be that bad, right? Right? "Look, Jesus, can you just get her—"
"Dicks," the shaking girl whispered brokenly. Tony paused.
"Dicks!" She wailed, fisting her hands in the shirt of the woman holding her. "Dicks were on his face! Oh god!"
Even Bruce looked stunned at this, so Tony felt it justified to gape. "You…"
"You saw Loki?"
The woman, who looked near faint with terror just a few moments ago, now looked ready to step up and scold the Hulk. "You saw Loki?" She shrieked, dropping her arms. The girl stumbled.
"There were dicks on his eyelids." Tears, literal actual fucking tears Tony already knew he was going to love this girl, were streaming down her face. Her cheeks were trembling, but her fiercely huge grin didn't waiver for a moment.
"I like you," Tony decides on the spot. (different scenes of the first chapter of No Good Comes From by Bleeding Jazz Gums. Dudes hilarious; check her out. BTW The girl was Darcy Lewis.)
"Jesus Christ!" He shouted, one hand pressing hard against the arc reactor whirring in overtime while he whirled to face Clint. "Can't you make some kind of noise? Anything? No? Fine, fuck you, I'll have JARVIS moo when you come into the room." (Tony)
"I must protest most vehemently, Sir." (Jarvis)
(chapter 2 of No Good Comes From by Bleeding Jazz Gums)
"Why have I just been informed that two of my responsibilities were sword fighting down a toy isle with lightsabers?" (Coulson)
"That was from our battle! Tony and I engaged in battle with these lightsabers before we ventured toward the shoe store." (Thor)
"What could have possibly led you to believe that sword fighting with Star Wars props was a good idea?" (Coulson)
"What could have led us to believe it wasn't a good idea?" (Tony)
(chapter 3 of Avengers' Tower by steve-capsicle-rogers)
"What did I do to deserve this?" he asked aloud and heard Peter open the next door. "I fucking hate needles. I just know they're going to stick me. That's what these people do. They torture innocent, injured billionaires and stick them full of needles!"
"You're being overly dramatic, Tony." Steve sighed as he carefully placed the other man down and then used a hand to keep him in place. The medical staff in the room watched Tony Stark wearily. Steve didn't blame them. The last time when Tony had been brought in unconscious he'd jerked awake when they'd been taking blood and had proceeded to flip out on them. Many things were destroyed in the aftermath and a few people might have been sobbing. Steve tried not to think about it.
It took five minutes before one of the nurses had a needle. Tony flinched, but locked his jaw. By the time a third needle was coming in his direction, "I'M NOT A FUCKING PINCUSHION!" Steve was then forced to help restrain Tony so the other man wouldn't hurt himself further. Peter watched on in muted horror.
(chapter 6 of Avengers Tower by steve-capsicle-rogers)
"You're getting your own damn cereal, Barton. I'll not have you raiding my stash!" Tony glared at him sideways as they went down the aisles. "And this list is ridiculous! Ten boxes of Poptarts? Seriously?"
"You've gone grocery shopping for the Tower before, Stark. I know you have."
"It's called ordering everything to have it delivered, duh."
"You've been cheating this whole time!" Clint stared at him, "So not fair."
"Once. I went once and dragged Happy with me. Neither of us wanted a repeat. It was better for all involved."
"I call bullshit. There is no way it was that traumatic."
A raised eyebrow was the only response he received as Tony began to knock boxes of Poptarts into the cart before they began moving toward the next item. Everything was going fine. They had gotten everything except all of the refrigerator and freezer items. Happy had been more than happy, Tony snickered at that, to pack everything into the car. "Eggs…we need a fuckton of eggs." Clint muttered to himself.
"You're an egg." A chuckle escaped Tony's mouth when the three year old next to him started laughing at Clint who was staring at Tony with his eye twitching.
"An egg." The little boy giggled and Tony grinned as the mother of the little boy began to push the cart away from them.
"Oh really?" there was something in that voice that should have sent warning bells of in Tony Stark's head, but he'd been in the store for hours. He turned around and took an egg to the chest. Staring down he watched as the yolk made its descent towards the ground leaving a trail behind.
"No fucking way, Barton!" he reached over pulling open one of the containers before throwing it at Clint who dodged, but Tony was prepared as he began throwing them as best as he could with one arm and stitches. Clint was laughing until one hit his head and Tony choked on his own laugh as his eyes widened in slight horror. "Oh my God! I was not aiming—" an egg hit him right where the Arc Reactor was and exploded getting all over his face. "Fuck."
Thus began the Battle of the Grocery Store. There were many casualties.
Instead of calling the police the manager called the Stark Industries CEO. And said CEO was not happy to be called about Tony Stark having a food fight in a grocery store. No she really was not. Pepper Potts found Tony Stark hiding behind a shelf with two eggs in his hand; he was covered in egg, cereal, flour and what appeared to be rice. At least she hoped it was.
"What. Are. You. DOING?" her voice boomed and caused a strangled yell to escape Tony's mouth as he spun around almost losing his footing.
"Pepper?" he gulped because the look on her face did not bode well for him. "What brings you to…here?" Tony tried for charming because Pepper was in scary mode. It failed horribly.
"You are still recovering from severe injuries! And you're in a grocery store Tony! What were you thinking?"
Wildly Tony flung his good arm out to point in Clint's basic direction accidently letting go of the eggs which hit a wall. "Oops. Clint started it! I was merely defending myself." He fought back a wince because that had hurt…badly. A stitch or two might have been pulled, but he wouldn't say a word.
"You were not near this bad as a child Tony! Honestly who has a food fight in a grocery store? I've already called someone to come clean this up and have written out a check for the manager to cover any possible damage. Have you gotten everything you needed before this started?" her eye was not twitching, nope, Tony would not acknowledge that. "CLINT!" her voice reverberated down the aisle. The archer slowly slunk around the corner holding onto an open box of rice with a slightly sheepish expression.
"It won't work." Tony muttered under his breath, but stopped when those eyes snapped back to him.
"Don't 'Hello Pepper' me! Did you throw the first thing?" she demanded tapping her foot.
"That would be a yes." Tony piped up before shrinking slightly under her glare. "I'm injured." It was said pitifully as he tried to give her puppy dog eyes.
(chapter 9 of Avengers' tower by steve-capsicle-rogers)
"I'M FREE!" it rang out through SHIELD Medical which Tony had freely walked into because that damn cast would be coming off. And because Steve wouldn't let him take a saw to it himself. Or let Dummy. Or Clint. Or Natasha. All of the saws disappeared over night after Tony had tried to make his case. You'll only injure yourself further had been the only verbal response. Tony dropped the remains of his cast onto the floor and stomped on them childishly before grinning widely. "Now I need to seriously scrub my arm because EW."
The SHIELD nurse was staring at Tony in mild horror, "You just stomped on it…" Tony wondered if she was new; he hadn't seen her before in all the forced trips he'd made to Medical.
"Only because they wouldn't let me bring in the blowtorch." It was reasonable. If he couldn't have fire why not physically stomp that damn thing into the ground? Tony Stark believed it was a compromise. The cast hadn't been turned to ashes…yet. He eyed its remains and thought maybe he could destroy it in his workshop?
Steve carefully wrapped an arm around Tony and steered him towards the exit, "Thank you for removing his cast." He grinned at her and shut the door behind them. "Fire? Really?"
"A repulsor glove seemed too extreme."
(chapter 10 of Avengers' Tower by steve-capsicle-rogers)
"So who is up for some pasta? There is an amazing place about four blocks that way." Tony pointed down the street with a hopeful expression on his face. "Come on. Save the world and have a breadstick! It could be a motto or something. And those salads, pastas, raviolis…" he trailed off slightly when he noticed the amused looks. "What?" it came out defensive, "Food is good."
(chapter 12 of Avengers' Tower by steve-capsicle-rogers)
"Why?" Tony hit his knees, voice raised dramatically in an obviously horrified tone. His arms were raised towards the sky as an agonized expression twisted his handsome features. "Why God? Why?" a moan of despair followed as Steve pinched the bridge of his nose with his eyes closed in exasperation. He hadn't even had the chance to change out of his jogging clothes before he'd stumbled upon the scene in the kitchen; which had mostly been Clint raiding Tony's hidden cereal stash. It had been in the middle of cooking that Tony had seen the evidence. Now the spoon was halfway to Clint's mouth, but now was frozen as he stared down at Stark from his perch on the counter. An empty box of cereal lay on its side next to him. Suddenly Tony's hand snapped forward to lock onto Clint's ankle. "WHY?!" the pitch rose further in absolute distress.
"What the fuck?" Clint continued to stare down at Tony whose hair was sticking up in all directions; Zeus was batting at his left foot and Natasha was standing behind him with an expression of amusement. She tugged on Tony's hair to get him to tilt his head back in order to look at her.
"Tony." There was a warning note in her voice even as her lips quirked into a smile. "Would you like some French toast with powdered sugar?" Tony nodded silently as Clint gawked at her aghast.
"I want some!" he whined.
"Then you should not have eaten the last of Tony's cereal." Bruce snickered from his spot at the island. "Now go drink your coffee." The second sentence was directed at Tony as she released his hair watching as he stood up as though nothing had happened.
"Peter. As you have pointed out I am the adult here and as a responsible adult I cannot in good conscience leave this poor animal behind." (Steve)
"That is why they created shelters." Now a smirk pulled at Peter's lips. "I can do this all day long." (Peter)
(chapter 13 of Avengers' Tower by steve-capsicle-rogers- that whole fic is freakin' amazing. Read it.)
"I WON!" Steve was beaming as he pumped his fist into the air while Tony scowled over at him. His arms crossed as his face pulled into a pout.
"Cheater." He muttered even as the supersoldier pulled him close and kissed him. It was hard to complain when every time Steve won he felt the need to kiss him. It was like he was rewarding Tony for losing. So not fair.
"All is far in Mario Kart."
"Do you think someone would be upset if I stabbed that guy over there? You know…the sexist asshole who kept staring at my chest earlier?" (Natasha)
"Him? I'll distract everyone. Do you need a weapon or something?" (Tony)
"I knew I liked you for a reason." (Natasha)
(chapter 15 of Avengers' Tower by steve-capsicle-rogers)
"What the fuck guys?! Why are we always getting with the weirdest fucking villains? Why can't the X-Men or Fantastic Four get these guys? Seriously? Xavier could just mind-wipe or whatever the fuck it is he does and then BOOM. No weirdass creations to cause mass destruction for the Avengers to clean up! Foolproof plan! Who has old Charlie boy's number?" (Clint)
"ARE YOU ALMOST DONE BITCHING EACH OTHER OUT YET? I WANT FOOD!" (Clint)
"YOU'RE BUYING BARTON!" (Tony)
"FUCK YOU! YOU'RE A BILLIONIARE!" (Clint)
"What's for breakfast? This horribly depressing atmosphere needs food. And way to go Stark on the total destruction of various parts of the Tower. I'm impressed." (Clint)
"What have I told you about the art of eavesdropping? You don't let people know you're listening into them!" (Clint)
"I'm a paradigm of manners! I'm amazingly perfect and an exceptional role model!" Clint pointed a finger accusingly at Steve. "You sir are a horrible role model! Barely swearing, eating all of our food, making out with this poor young man's dad in front of him, bringing home a puppy because he didn't have a home and throwing a giant Frisbee type weapon at poor defenseless villains! What is wrong with you? The outrage! The horror…oh the humanity! My soul aches with the burden of knowing about these heinous crimes and being able to do nothing to stop them!" (Clint)
"FRIENDS! I wish to partake in our morning ritual of Poptarts!" (Thor)
(chapter 16 of Avengers' Tower by steve-capsicle-rogers)
"Who is the messiest?" (little girl named Anne)
Peter paused and honestly considered it, "The messiest? Probably Clint. Hawkeye?" he specified as he knew most of the children knew the Avengers by their superhero identities. "My dad is probably a close second or tied with Thor. I'd have to look at their spaces again to decide. Though Thor eats the most followed by Captain America."
"Are you telling lies to that adorable little girl?" Tony was giving him a look of mock horror from his spot surrounded by children. "My own son! Captain! Here is your chance to defend my honor. You were hired for this, remember?"
"You have honor, sir?" Happy inquired with a small grin and it earned a chuckle from Steve as well as many of the surrounding people.
A decidedly wounded expression stole of Tony's face as he made his eyes go wide before turning to the assembled children around him. "Will any of you protect me? Avenge me?"
Little voices grew in strength as exclamations of support rose up. The group of children moved as a tiny mob towards Peter who was trying not to laugh. Carefully he sat Anne down before they reached him if only to make sure nothing happened to her. They mobbed him; little hands grasping and Peter allowed himself to sink to the floor so as to not hurt them. Tiny fingers ghosted across his side and a short giggle escaped. It was like blood in the water because soon several others were tickling him and Peter was squirming, laughing, gasping and trying to wriggle away. Tears started to fill his eyes from the laughter and he was joined by a chorus of children's laughter. The tiny army had taken Tony's words to heart and were easily overwhelming the teenager with what appeared to be a tickle attack.
Over the laughter he could hear his dad boast, "And Loki said he had an army! His army has nothing on mine."
Almost two hours later the three of them were standing in front of Coulson, still in their uniforms, who was staring at them with the most unimpressed look in the entire world. "I have had Director Fury yelling in my ear for the past thirty minutes about three of 'my' Avengers terrorizing the Principal of a local High School and several students. Do you have anything to say for yourselves?"
"Besides why you didn't bring me?!" Clint scowled at them from the couch, arms crossed over his chest not moving his eyes from the guilty members of his team.
Peter was just standing there staring at them in horror, the same expression he'd had on his face when the call had come in for Coulson and the other man had informed him of the incident at his school. "Why would you do that?"
Thor turned to look at Peter, "I do not stand aside idly while my friends are attacked." He was painfully sincere as he looked at Peter. "You and your character were assaulted; instead of providing justice against your attackers you were punished. It was not right."
Seeing no help from there Peter turned to Steve, "And your excuse?" his foot tapped on the floor because really Steve was supposed to be level headed.
"I don't like bullies." It was simple.
Natasha wasn't even going to wait for the question, "I like you." It was the only explanation needed from her. Peter knew how Natasha was when she actually liked you. "I didn't like them." Was the lovely follow up.
"No one fucks with my son and gets away with it." Tony spoke from the door way and that summed the whole thing up quite nicely, "Tell Fury he can kiss my ass because I asked them to go. Peter made me promise not to go to his school otherwise you'd have heard about Iron Man visiting a school today. There might have been blasts I'm not sure."
"Thor destroyed the Principal's office with Mjölnir." Coulson was still speaking calmly.
"That man was not reasonable." Thor pouted slightly, his hammer rested on his belt as he crossed his arms clearly unrepentant. "Had the man not laughed at me I would not have been forced to retaliate."
"And the two young men who pissed themselves and passed out?" Coulson's eyes were already moving towards the culprit.
"I regret nothing." Natasha grinned at Clint who winked, but Peter was quite sure the archer was still annoyed at not being there for the show. There might have been arrows in the story otherwise.
"What about the broken phones and cameras?" now there was a slight strain to his voice at the question.
Steve blinked; eyes big and blue. "Tony only said the device would prevent anything incriminating from being recorded. I did not know it would destroy all the technology in the basic area!"
Peter was just staring at them trying to wrap his mind around the picture that was being painted before turning to Tony who looked far too smug for the destruction he'd caused. "Can I transfer schools? Please?" it was pleading and he didn't care. There was no way he could go back there. It just wasn't possible.
"Steve punched the Principal." Natasha answered calmly as Coulson's eye started to twitch, but Peter knew he wouldn't say anything to Steve or at least wouldn't be as hard on him as he would have been had it been Tony.
"Why?" Clint was completely curious and leaning forward as if that would allow him to get a better view of the possible carnage. Steve punching someone was slightly out of character; there needed to be a very good reason.
"The Principal made a negative comment about Peter. I'll not repeat it." the chin tilted stubbornly even as a slight blush formed on his cheeks.
"Steve did not take that well." Natasha was smirking now. "He really did not take that well at all."
Tony jerked Steve down into a kiss, "You punched the Principal of Peter's school? You are without a doubt my hero for that! Oh to have been there to witness it…" there was a wistful note to Tony's voice.
"Stark. That is not what is needed here. You three caused destruction to a government run institution, traumatized several teenagers and assaulted a man. This I'm more than sure has cancelled out the positive PR that your attendance at the children's event created. Stark the whole incident is your fault!"
"So…about transferring to a new school?" Peter was staring at Tony with pleading eyes and Tony found himself grinning. The fury from before was obviously lessoned because something had been done about the injustice.
"Sure. We'll put you in a school that will appreciate someone of your intelligence. There are several options and we can take the weekend to go over them. I say this moment in history, Steve punching Peter's Principal, deserves something…Who wants some Shawarma? I could go for some Shawarma!"
(chapter 17 of Avengers' Tower by steve-capsicle-rogers)
"Natasha and I can't move or Tony might hurt himself more," added Bruce. "Clint, you got anything that can cut through metal?"
"Yeah, hang on."
And the archer disappeared from view again, much to Bruce, Natasha, and Tony's confusion.
There were sounds of grunting, swearing, and something being dragged. And then a grin spread on their faces when Clint struggled into the helicopter, pulling a bound, gagged, and unconscious Enchantress behind him. She looked even worse than Tony. Blood had coagulated in her blond hair, bruises decorated her face, and there were several cuts all over her body. Burns covered her chest, her left side was bleeding profusely, and there were a couple of arrows piercing through each of her hands. But she was breathing still, surprisingly.
With a huff, he dropped her unceremoniously down on a pile of debris, feeling satisfied at the low moan that escaped from her, and turned around to see everyone staring at him.
"What? Couldn't leave her outside unguarded, could I?" His blue eyes were a picture of feigned innocence that only made Tony want to laugh.
(chapter 4 of Repercussions by Kanae Yuna)
"Tony, did you get thrown in jail again?" (Steve)
"No, no-well, I mean, I did, but that's not why I'm calling." (Tony)
"They let you use your cell phone from jail now?" (Steve)
"No, I'm not in jail anymore, we broke out a couple hours ago-" (Tony)
"Okay, so, the things is," Tony took a deep breath, then plowed forward, speaking at the speed of light, "I got bored sitting around the hotel room so I worked on tracking Loki's magic signatures and I got a hit in Vegas, which was pretty close, so I was like why not, right? So I hopped on a plane and went to find him, and I did, but I got sort of kind of a lot drunk at some point, and I'm like 94% sure someone spiked me, and I'm 87% it was Loki-don't give me that look, you bastard, you totally would-and now I can't remember fucking anything from last night, but I lost my wallet, keys, and rental car at some point and now I'm buck ass nude except for Captain America tighty-whiteys and Loki's just got a backwards bra, boxers, cowboy boots, and that stupid horned helmet thing-don't even try and protest, Frosty, that thing is fucking ridiculous-and I'm 73% we kidnapped someone because there's an unconscious guy in the backseat of the cop car that I'm 98% sure we stole because Loki has the keys and I don't remember ever becoming a cop. Oh, also, we might have gotten married at some point last night."
"Nope. What? Nothing, I said nothing."
"You were carrying an engagement ring. Just…in your pocket."
"What? Who said that? I didn't."
"And you gave it to Loki?"
"He gave it back! Well, okay, there might have been some wrestling involved-on an unrelated note, I'm going to need a doctor, I'm pretty sure my nose is broken-but the point is that I got it back."
"Loki keyed 'Livin la vida Loki' into the cop car." (Tony)
"Of course he did." (Steve)
"On the upside, they'll know it was Loki and maybe I won't go down for this."
"What about the breaking out of jail part?"
"I think that was for starting the fire."
"Oh God," Steve dropped back in bed with a groan.
"Relax, I'm like…89% sure no one died!"
"That is nowhere near an acceptable percentage."
"It was Reindeer Games' fault! He bet thateven I wasn't smart enough to make fire from baby wipes, a stapler, and a rubber band ball, but I knew I could. Probably shouldn't have done it in the middle of the casino…but the important part here is that I was right."
"Stark," Loki huffed, "If you call me a fairy again I shall divorce you and take half your riches as recompense."
"First off, I didn't call you a fairy, I implied it by calling your magic green sparkles pixie dust. Second, you wouldn't know what to do with ten dollars, much less ten billion. And for fuck's sake, would you stop threatening me with divorce?"
"If you would prefer to remain partners you should return the ring to me-"
"I do not want to stay married, I want a quicky divorce and to never speak of this again ever now for the love of god get your hand out of my pants!"
"Calm down, I'm just trying to get my ring-"
"That is not your ring, that is Steve's ring and if you touch it again I swear I will bite your fingers off!"
"You only want it cause it's shiny, you weirdo."
(chapter 1 of We Don't Talk About That Night by Wordsplat)
"You know how I said there was someone unconscious in the backseat of the cop car?" (Tony)
"I was actively trying to forget about that, actually." (Steve)
"Well…I have good news, bad news, and worse news. Good news is, we know who it is."
"I'm going to ask you this question just once, Tony," Steve rubbed his forehead, worry lines now all but permanent, "And if you lie to me I swear I will let Coulson kill you next time he asks. Tell me the truth: did you kidnap the president?"
"The president of what? Like of the United States?"
"Jesus, Steve, no, I didn't kidnap the president! Wow you have high expectations of me. No, it's just Thor."
"Stark wished to be freed from his handcuffs, and my magic has run dry for the moment. He was handcuffed around the side mirror of the car, so I simply took him by the forearm and yanked. The side mirror came free from the car and he was able to slip the other end of the handcuff off the side mirror, so his hand is still handcuffed but it is not currently attached to anything. I assumed a thanks would be my due, but instead I received a rather uncalled for blow to the head." (Loki)
"It was entirely called for, you frosty bastard," Tony sniped.
"Regardless, it seems in my freeing of Stark, I may have broken his wrist."
"Why would you yank his arm and not the mirror?" Steve groaned.
"I did not give the problem as much thought as perhaps I should have."
"Loki here says Clint was with us at some point last night. But Loki was insanely drunk too and he can't remember everything either…all he knows is Clint was here. And now he's not. And as previously mentioned, we're kind of in the middle of nowhere, so as much of a sneaky bastard as he is, even he couldn't be hiding somewhere with us right now. He's somewhere in Vegas." (Tony)
"You lost Clint?" (Steve)
"What's Stark done now?" Natasha raised an eyebrow.
"He got bored so he went to find Loki on his own, then found and proceeded to get drunk with him in Vegas. At some point last night Loki spiked his drink, so the details are a bit fuzzy now, but what I do know is that Tony woke up a half hour ago handcuffed to a cop car with raccoons in the trunk, Thor passed out in the backseat, his new husband Loki next to him, and Clint missing. They're all lacking some or all of their clothing, Loki's out of magic, and they've probably got warrants out for their arrest since Tony set a casino on fire and they broke out of jail after getting caught." (Steve)
(chapter 2 of We Don't Talk About That Night by Wordsplat; that fic is freakin' hilarious, you have to read it)
"Good- now, first rule, don't sign or commit to anything without talking to me first. Stay away from the punch- somehow it always gets spiked. Don't leave this area or the paparazzi will burn you alive, laugh at jokes even if they aren't funny, and don't join with any of my competitors or tell them anything personal." Tony ratted off, giving a charming smile to a lady who carried around treys of small odd desserts.
(Uncle Tony' by Oceanbreeze7)
"Need a couple more hands?" he asked, smiling. He was supposed to be going to another SHIELD debriefing, but he really needed a break from all that.
Stark looked up from the slab of sidewalk he had been about to pick up and pulled off his sunglasses; "Well fuck me dead; Steve Rogers. Shouldn't you have a SHIELD collar on you somewhere?"
Steve blinked at the not-so-veiled insult, and Stark grinned.
"I kid. We could use the extra super-manpower. Tony Stark, call me Tony," he introduced himself, sticking out his hand.
Steve shook it with an uncertain smile, "It seems you already know my name."
Tony snorted; "You kidding? My dad never shut up about you; he had pictures of the two of you in his office and spent more time looking for your frozen ass than he did raising me."
Before Steve would reply to this somewhat upsetting statement, Tony turned back to his helpers.
"Minions, I have acquired the Captain of America. Where are the heaviest pieces of building, since we now have someone that can lift them without the help of a crane?"
(chapter 1 0f Starkness by Runaway Deviant)
"You're letting Iron Man land on the porch?" a horrified Clint exclaimed.
Tony looked offended; "It's not a porch, it's a balcony."
Clint rounded on Tony, "Iron Man is landing on your balcony, and you're more upset about me calling it a porch?"
Tony just rolled his eyes; "You don't know this since you pretty much never leave the tower, but Iron Man has been New York's hero for years now. He kicks out the other villains, he never actually attacks the city himself, and I hear he once actually saved a cat from a tree."
"He blew up four blocks in Seattle yesterday because he didn't like the way that their silhouettes fit into the skyline!"
"I never said the guy was sane."
"Why, exactly, did he save a cat from a tree?" Bruce asked, looking amused. Clint sent him a betrayed look, which was ignored.
"Apparently some kid saw him fly past and screamed for his help. He probably thought she was being murdered or something, so he came back and she asked him to get her cat."
"And he actually did it?" Steve asked with an amused smile.
"Yup; man's obviously a fruitcake. Personally, I would never save something fluffy and potentially squishable in a suit that enhances my strength."
"That just shows the kind of person that you are, Tony," Natasha said calmly, "You should get an award; "Tony Stark, a worse person than most villains"."
(chapter 2 of Starkness by Runaway Deviant)
"Pull up a bench or something. Not literally, though; I bolted them to the ground because I like where they are and I don't want them moving." (Tony)
"How quaint; movie night. How did I manage to avoid this thing every other time?" (Tony)
"The last time you deliberately exploded half an unused laboratory and claimed injury and clean-up duties." (Jarvis)
"The time before?"
"A similar excuse."
(chapter 3 of Starkness by Runaway Deviant)
"Cinderella was a thing in the '40s too, Tony. We just didn't have a Disney version." (Steve)
"Out of all of them, that was always my least favourite," Tony said, making a face, "Nice dad, shitty step-mum, child abuse and slavery, talking animals, sickeningly sweet happy ending – at least in The Little Mermaid she had to actually work for her prince. Cinderella just stuck her foot out."
"That is the most cynical interpretation of a fairytale I have ever heard."
"It's true. My favourite Disney movie and always has been Aladdin. Rich chick, poor guy, magic gadgets, court intrigue, save the world, kill the bad guy, potentially get married about three sequels later – classic."
"Can we set fire to something in Boston tonight before we continue with wedding planning?" (Pepper)
"You complete me." (Tony)
(chapter 4 of Starkness by Runaway Deviant)
"How long has it been? Two years?" (Tony)
"One year, three-hundred fifty-seven days, and this morning I presume, in regards to your calendar." (Loki)
"And he counted the days. Aw, did you miss me that much?"
"Quite the contrary. I so enjoyed not having to listen to your mindless chatter, I counted the days we were apart with utter delight."
"Thor! Thor - goddamnit… THOR!"
The thunder god only laughed harder, if that was possible, shaking Tony with the force of his mirth. He stopped spinning Tony at any rate, allowing him to gain his bearings, though breathing became difficult as Thor hugged him tightly, his body shrieking in response.
"Thor no. Bad Thor!" Tony gasped, desperate. God, it was just a little too early for this. Witty sorcerers, fine. He could handle that, no problem. Half naked, crazy thunder god warlords with baby brother complexes? No, just… no. Not without at least three drinks in him first, and that wasn't happening anytime soon. "Let Tony down. Tony wants down. Gently now, I'm delicate remember? Gently… good boy."
(chapter 1 of Just a Rose on a Star by Road of Ruin)
Tony brought back his humor by erasing the runes and drawing a stick figure of Fury with a toothy scowl. Next to him he drew his impression of Odin, which had Loki chuckling into his sleeve.
"I'd pay to see these two fight," Tony smirked, adding a long red cape on the Allfather. Loki just shook his head.
"The earth would not survive the outcome," he said with a smile. Tony shrugged.
"I'd move to Mars then. You could come with me if you'd like. We could build a giant sand castle and live in it, put up a big TV to watch them destroy the earth." At Loki's amused stare, he wiggled his eyebrows until the god laughed. "I'd build you a balcony and everything. You know it would be epic."
(chapter 2 of Just a Rose on a Star by Road of Ruin)
"You are unwell?" he asked after a moment, green eyes severe as they locked with Tony's. Tony opened his mouth to answer but was cut off when Loki suddenly straightened, glowering hotly. "And so you have compromised my sweet roll. Surrender the box before you endow whatever stupidity that plagues you onto its contents."
Of all the things he'd expected the god to say, it hadn't been that. Tony gaped at the fierce look he was being given. Loki demanding a box of donuts. It took him a few moments to process it fully. "What?" was the only intelligent thing he managed.
"Has your affliction caused your ears to fail you as well as your brain?" Loki sneered sweetly, as close to snarling as was possible with a smile. "Surrender the sweet rolls Stark, or so help me, I will use my power to forcibly remove you from this room and take them myself."
Tony could only blink at him. "You're threatening me over donuts? Seriously?"
(chapter 3 of Just a Rose on a Star by Road of Ruin)
"DADDY!" something shrieked.
Tony blinked, confused, not seeing the speaker. Then Logan rounded into view, looking down. He crouched for a moment and subsequently straightened, holding a very familiar coffee machine.
"Good to see you're awake," he said, holding Spike firmly with one hand. "I can give your kid back."
He dumped Spike unceremoniously on the bed. Spike didn't seem to care, speeding over the blankets to Tony's chest, snuggling close to the arc reactor.
Sighing, Tony stroked Spike on the top, resolutely giving the impression of not caring one hoot.
"I'm hurt," Bruce said, drawing Tony's attention. "You didn't even tell me you were expecting."
"I'm still having trouble believing you made a kid out of the coffee machine," Clint said. "Please tell me you at least bought them another one."
"Don't mention them around Spike," Tony said. "He bursts into tears." He looked over at Logan. "What were you doing with him anyway?"
Framed by two master assassins and with his arms folded across his chest, Logan made for a formidable presence (especially considering his crazy hair). "Xavier was busy and Jean couldn't come, so I was dumped with him. They said to get better."
Spike was frightened of Ororo, which explained why she hadn't come either.
"I haven't forgotten what you've made JARVIS do," Clint continued, jabbing a finger at Tony. "He won't shut up."
"I know nothing," Tony claimed.
"It's come to love ballads now," Bruce informed him. "There was also a very explicit song that sent everyone out of the room."
"I found it most full of heart!" Thor interjected.
"It was rap," Natasha sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"I kind of like the love ballads," Steve said, nudging Tony. He had a small smile on his face.
"You would," Clint said.
"He's lying," Logan said to Tony, eyeing Clint. "He likes the ballads."
"I know where you live," Clint hissed ominously.
"Great. So do I."
"You're going to have to be debriefed, Stark. You were in contact with Spider-Man."
"Nothing about that Quinjet?" Tony asked, smiling so cheerfully that his teammates shifted nervously. Even Logan seemed slightly taken aback. "See, that was kind of confusing, because I was under the impression that the only people who were in possession of that vehicle were S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers. I also have a contract stating that selling the designs to any third parties requires my approval. I don't recall seeing any such request or even approving it. Miss Potts?"
Pepper started slightly. "No such requests passed my desk," she said.
"I don't know what's going on here, Director," Tony said, lying through his teeth, "but you can bet that I'm not happy about it. I'm not available to be debriefed at this moment, and will let you know when I am available. I'm only going to ask you nicely once: please remove yourself from the room, Director Fury."
"Let me rephrase: remove yourself from the premises or I will throw you out myself." Tony mentally tugged at Fury's trench coat, showing that it was no idle threat.
Tony floated over to his chair, depositing Spike on the floor next to it. "Dummy, get over here."
With a curious whir, Dummy came over, his arm waving up and down. Before Tony could say anything, Dummy buried his claw affectionately in Tony's hair.
Tony let it be. "Missed you, too, you big defective lug."
Dummy dramatically deflated, dropping his claw to the ground. This put him directly in front of Spike, who received a curious whir from Dummy.
"Dummy, this is Spike. Spike, this is Dummy—"
"There you go." Tony arched an eyebrow as Dummy and Spike solemnly shook hands – or claw and power cord. "Dummy, keep Spike busy. Show him some stuff, but don't break anything. I'll introduce him to the rest of the family when I'm done here."
"It is currently eleven-thirty-six A.M.," JARVIS responded cheerfully as if he hadn't been plotting with Tony only a short while before. He pulled open the curtains to let sunlight stream in. "It is seventy-one degrees outside and partly cloudy. Spike is currently tearing up the workshop."
Clint snorted, relaxing suddenly to lean forward on the chair in front of him. "Don't thank us yet. This isn't going to be easy, you know. Natasha and I are still tied to S.H.I.E.L.D., and there's no way Fury's liable to let Bruce go either."
"We're working on that," Tony said. "JARVIS, how far have you gotten?"
"Gathering from what I have seen in the files, the Avengers are officially named the Avengers Initiative. Agents Barton and Romanov are effectively ghosts in the system, but I have not yet finished my search. Director Fury has no legal authority to keep Dr. Banner from leaving. Mr. Odinson's existence is disputed to be either a god or an alien, but S.H.I.E.L.D. has no authority over him."
"Snooping around through classified files again, Mr. Stark?" Natasha raised an eyebrow.
"They are not classified, Agent Romanov," JARVIS contradicted. "They are available for public viewing for certain individuals."
"That's the same thing, isn't it?" Bruce pointed out.
"Of course not, Doctor. I have the correct authority."
Tony gave a snort of laughter. "Whose ID are you using, JARVIS?"
"My own, sir, which the director has been so kind to issue me."
"Oh my God." Clint sounded horrified. "What monster have you unleashed upon us, Stark?"
"May I just say, Agent, that you look absolutely stunning in a dress," JARVIS said innocently before Tony could respond.
"That's classified!" Clint squawked, paling.
Curious, Tony clapped his hands twice and activated the holographic computer screen on the table. JARVIS obligingly pulled up the photos he'd been viewing. Lo and behold, there was Clint Barton in a beautiful figure hugging purple dress. He also had a wavy blonde wig and killer high heels.
Steve and Bruce leaned over to look, both morbidly fascinated.
"That is a stunner," Bruce agreed.
Fury's hands were clasped before him on the table. "Let's start with why you weren't at the X-Men's place for the pickup, but rather chumming it with your girlfriend."
"Hey, bub, if you were jealous of my relationship with Pepper, you just had to say it. Unless you're upset that I didn't entrust you with the codes the way I did Steve. If you wanted codes to the suit, you could've just asked." Tony flicked through the sheets in the file, taking in the questions. The last several pages had one topic: Spider-Man. "It wouldn't have done anything, but I could've rigged it into a nice video game. You like Spy Kids, right?"
"Or maybe I should go with something sleazier than that. Mission Impossible, perhaps? They've got some really bad guys in those films." Tony clapped the file shut, offering Fury a cold smile. "Would you care to explain why that organization after my head had a Quinjet when S.H.I.E.L.D. is the only agency other than the Avengers that is in possession of the designs?"
Fury's face remained impassive. "We were hacked," he admitted.
"Oh, awesome. Except for the fact that I already knew that. You know why? Because someone's been a sneaky little bugger and playing where they shouldn't have been. I gave those override codes to Steve. I did not give them to S.H.I.E.L.D. to play around willy-nilly with and to eventually be stolen because S.H.I.E.L.D. is incapable of installing adequate firewalls."
"We were taking precautions. Don't think I haven't noticed you hacking into our systems every other day."
"Did you think about what would happen if you messed with JARVIS like that? You let amateurs mess with my coding. That mess that happened at the tower was because you couldn't keep your nose out of my stuff. No contact with the Avengers? Fine. No contact with anyone because JARVIS's code was epically fucked up thanks to amateurs who can't code to save their lives messing with it? Count yourself fortunate that S.H.I.E.L.D. is still there."
"I think someone is getting in over their heads," Fury said in a low voice, his one eye warning Tony to back off.
"Who?" His voice lifted in confusion. "Are you talking about me? 'Cause I was under the impression that I was just offering you some friendly advice. See, the thing is, I'm one of those guys that sometimes has trouble telling black from white. It's just a big gray area. Or math. Let's go with that. It's all just numbers. And S.H.I.E.L.D. is one big variable that's kind of bugging me, because it just keeps on messing up my equations. So take it from a guy who knows how to work the math: Don't be that ugly variable. Be a nice one."
"We still have those codes."
Tony couldn't help it: he laughed. "I don't know if you've noticed, Fury, but I'm a futurist. If something's obsolete, I built something new and better. And those codes you have? They're stone age. Go on and try it." His grin was predatory. "I'd love to see the results. 'Cause I'm not quite sure what'll happen if you do. It might just make all your computers really slow. But it could also permanently crash your entire system." The grin was gone. "So do it. I dare you."
Fury stared at Tony, who stared right back. Cold anger was still pulsing through his system at the thought of Fury messing with JARVIS. He could mess with Tony all he wanted. He got fucked over on a regular basis. But JARVIS? He was just lucky that all Tony was doing was taking the Avengers.
Finally, Fury spoke. "A.I.M. – Advanced Idea Mechanics. That's who was after your sorry ass."
"Funny. I would've thought they'd be called the Beekeepers."
"I'd watch your back if I were you, Stark," Fury said, standing up with a screech as the chair slid back over the tiles.
Tony stood up as well, ignoring the twinge in his thigh. "Is that a threat?"
Fury looked at him. "A warning." Then he was gone, leaving the file behind.
Working his jaw for a few moments as he stared at the empty doorway, Tony finally said, "Send a message to his server, JARVIS: I'm not doing his fucking debrief."
"Is there some reason you're grinning maniacally like a mad scientist?" Steve asked from the corner. He had a sketchbook on his lap.
"Die!" Spike cackled maniacally from his vantage point at Dummy's workstation. Playing along, Dummy cowered, ducking his head as Spike's cords batted at him.
(chapter 1 of A State of Mental Extremes by inukagome15)
"I don't like it," Steve stated.
"You don't have to like it," Tony said patiently. "I'm just telling you how it is."
"Yeah, well, I don't like it," Clint said, staring obstinately at Tony from his perch on the living room cabinet. "I smell a rat."
"I smell a cat," Natasha agreed, leaning back against the cabinet where Clint was perched.
"I smell an experiment gone wrong," Bruce input, hip resting against the armrest of the couch.
"I smell this morning's breakfast," Thor added, standing next to the cabinet.
"A.I.M.," Steve said, mouth dry.
"The organization after Stark. You saw one of their bases not long ago since HYDRA is a branch of it. Put simply, A.I.M. is an organization made of the best technological minds in the world that were displeased with their former positions and thought they could do better."
"So a bunch of nerds with issues," Clint summarized.
"The Quinjet is open and ready," JARVIS said briskly just as they were approaching the flight deck.
"No fucking way," Clint breathed from behind Steve.
He probably wouldn't have heard it if it wasn't for his enhanced hearing.
Sure enough, a Quinjet was up and ready to be used, doors open and engine rumbling. They sprinted into it, only to come to a stop when they realized who was piloting it.
"Hey, guys!" Spider-Man quipped, pushing buttons and pulling on the steering wheel. "Buckle in, since we're going to be taking off!"
"Spider-Man?" Clint sounded strangled. "How…?"
"How did you help JARVIS take over S.H.I.E.L.D.'s mainframe?" Natasha asked notably more calmly.
Spider-Man was already gearing the jet for takeoff. "Oh, I didn't. He told me I should hitch a ride on the suit"—he waved a hand to the side, where everyone noticed a model of the Iron Man suit standing—"and once I got here he told me that I should get the Quinjet ready for a quick getaway. I've never flown one of these before, did you know?"
"Never," Clint bit out, falling into a seat as they hit a bout of turbulence promptly after lifting off of the Helicarrier's surface.
"I find your canisters of web most ingenious!" Thor was saying. There was a loud snap as a branch apparently broke under his weight. "What occupation will you take up?"
"I'm not sure yet," Spider-Man replied, his footsteps silent. "But I'm thinking something with photography or physics. It really depends."
"I am sure you will find success regardless of which endeavor you choose."
They stumbled into view of one another a minute later, Thor nearly barreling over Natasha.
"My apologies, Natasha!" Thor moved as if to steady her but stopped, mindful of her aversion to touch. He saw the others behind her. "I am pleased to see that you are all well!"
"You know," Spider-Man said, "I've always wanted to get out of the country."
"Good for you, kid," Clint said. "How you liking it?"
"Company's great, but I could do with less trees."
"One question." Clint held up a finger. "Which way is it?"
Frowning slightly, Steve did a slow three-sixty, orienting himself under the canopy of trees. Then he looked down at the phone in Bruce's hand, the village still highlighted on it.
"You don't know, do you?" Bruce asked, smiling lightly.
"I do." Steve sounded grumpy even to his own ears. "Just…let me think for a moment."
The jet had been flying into the opposite direction of the rising sun when it had crashed, so that meant west.
"West," Steve decided firmly.
"Great." Clint arched an eyebrow. "Now where's that?"
"You mean you can't tell where north is?" Spider-Man asked. "Aren't you called Hawkeye?"
"Hawkeye," Clint agreed, flicking the string on his bow.
"I proclaim north to be in this direction," Thor declared, pointing his hammer off toward the trees on their right.
"It's that way," Natasha disagreed, pointing in the opposite direction with the finger of top arm that was folded across her chest.
"I'm going with the god," Spider-Man said.
"Natasha," Clint said simply.
Opening his mouth, whatever Steve would have said was cut off as Bruce said, "I have a compass."
Everyone looked at the good doctor/scientist, who was looking down at the phone in his hand. He held it up, letting Steve see the compass app he had opened. The arrow pointing north was to Steve's front and not in any direction Thor or Natasha had picked.
"This way." Steve began tromping to his left, Bruce on his heels with the phone still in his hand.
"Are you certain this compass is correct?" Thor asked from the rear.
"It's a StarkPhone," was all Bruce had to say on the matter.
(chapter 2 of A State of Mental Extremes by inukagome15)
It was rare that Natasha or Clint or Bruce ever got caught, but when they did, they could bullshit by with smiles and jokes and threats. To be fair, the last one was only one time, and that was Clint; in his defense, Natasha had been suffering a head wound and Tony's comm had gotten cut off from the rest of them and they still had no idea where he was, and whatever, it was just one teeny tiny arrow, it didn't even explode or anything Christ, bursting into tears was a little overly dramatic, alright.
Immediately Tony's phone began to ring. Without missing a beat, he answered. "Hi, Pepper." He smiled serenely. "How are you? No, Pepper, I'm not using you to start a pissing contest with Dick here."
"Shh," Tony hushed him reprovingly. "No, Pep, not you. No, that wasn't me being patronizing." He turned to Taylor, whose eyes, if possible, went even bigger. "Pepper says she likes your dress."
"...Thank you?" The singer squeaked.
"Do you wanna say hi?" He asked kindly.
"Hi." She squeaked again quickly.
"Pep, Taylor says hi. Taylor, Pep says hi back." He paused, nodding thoughtfully after a moment.
The host looked ready to leap across the desk. "Yes. Okay. Yes, this is very rude. No, you were right the first time, I don't care. Sad but true, Peppy. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes, I will apologize. Bye, Pep." He smiled, turning from the expectant and supremely pissed looking man to give Taylor an apologetic smile. "Sorry about that."
A laugh burst from the woman.
Bruce, quite simply, was speechless.
"Oh my god," Clint said, looking absolutely delighted.
A ding echoed in the room, and Thor pulled out his phone to offer to Clint. The archer took it(and the remote, to Thor's dismayed yell)and read out loud, eyebrows nearly to his hairline, "'Thor, oh my god, get me Taylor Swift's autograph, that bitch is sassy.' S'from Darcy, dude."
The god was already rising from the couch. "Aye. I believe I shall request the fairy Lady's signature as well. Her teardrops on her 'guitar' is a worthy post battle song, indeed."
(A for Effort by Bleeding Jazz Gums; I'm serious, go check her out.)
Loki is also not part of the pranking party Tony and Barton have formed.
He takes full credit for the dead fish in Rogers' sock drawer, though.
(Loki also does not call Tony by his first name.)
Loki is not mooning over Tony. Mooning over Tony (ie. one of the good guys) would imply that a) he isn't as evil as he would like to believe, b) he has fallen into the same trap as his brother, and c) he is too afraid to make a move. Which is so incredibly not evil that Loki might as well give up his Evil Award of Doom. It has a pretty red thing on top that burns people's eyes out.
Loki also denies ever getting drunk that one time two weeks ago and eyefucking Tony for the rest of the night. Even if Tony returned the favour.
(And if Barton doesn't shut up about it, Loki will sacrifice him to the very pissy Elder God under the mansion in Malibu that he may or may not have summoned.)
(Denial is Most Certainly Not a River in Egypt by fac-me-cocleario-vomere)
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division [S.H.I.E.L.D] Form Type: D-56A, Post Mission Report, Success Agent: Barton, Clint Codename: Hawkeye Location: Berlin, Germany Date: May 4 – May 5, 2013
Went there. Some mutated lions. Kicked some ass. Alone. The rest did something else. I was awesome.
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division [S.H.I.E.L.D] Form Type: D-56A, Post Mission Report, Success Agent: Barton, Clint Codename: Hawkeye Location: Basel, Switzerland Date: June 23 – June 25, 2013
Went there. Some robots. Kicked some ass. I was awesome.
Iron Man helped. He was being kind of awesome, too.
Director Fury is always a calm man with a plan. He's also a man with a gun.
(The next day will be known as the Great Prank Day of SHIELD that everyone except Clint and Tony refuse to talk about. It involves leather gloves, cats, Clint's favorite crossbow and top hats; but most importantly, the event marks the day when everyone realizes that, like it or not, Clint Barton and Tony Stark now work together as a team.
The following day, Phil Coulson takes his first leave after 32 years working for SHIELD and buys the first ticket to Portland. He deserves it.)
(i wonder how the world sees us by donutsandcoffee)
After a couple of seconds, the newly rewired music system came alive and a 'Beastie Boys' track filled the air around them. Tony grinned to himself. "An hour and a half, totally worth it. Wouldn't you agree, Jarvis?" He said.
"Yes, sir. Of all the memory banks and confidential files that need urgent backing up and rewiring, the music system was of the utmost importance."
(chapter 1 of Make Me Real NEW by Punkylemon)
"Ugh!" Tony ripped the sheets away from where they'd tangled around his legs and slid off the bed. "You complete mother hen! You just scared ten years off my life! I need those ten years! Think of all the things I'll never invent in those ten years!" Tony stormed across his bedroom ranting and then slammed the door to the bathroom closed behind him. "Think of the children you'll disappoint!" he shouted through the wood.
"How'd I get from the workshop to bed?" (Tony)
"Captain Rogers carried you upstairs with the help of Dr. Banner and Mr. Barton." (Jarvis)
"Huh, not a hallucination then. Great. My life is complete. Carried like a damsel in distress to bed by a National Icon and sex wasn't involved. I feel cheated." (Tony)
"Huh, I get a car just for doing puke duty and you get a hot kiss for holding a night long vigil," said Clint, appearing from somewhere Steve didn't want to think about and stealing a pancake. "I wonder what you have to do to get sex." Steve shut his mouth and glared at the archer. Clint tossed his hands up and backed away. "I'm just saying."
(chapter 2 of Moderate to Severe by Reona)
"You'll all be living in one place," he started, and Tony suddenly shot forward, his feet sliding off the table, and standing up, pointing a finger at Coulson. Steve jumped, not thinking he had been paying any attention.
"I am not living in SHIELD facilities. There is no way. I am a civilian, so you can't force me. You can't make me live in these piece of shit rooms that a cockroach would feel claustrophobic in and—"
"Shut up, Stark, we're offering your house."
"—not that cockroach's feel claustro-wait, what? Hold on, I offered rooms months ago, they were turned down, offer revoked. I'm happy at home with no one else bugging me. They'd be a distraction. I'm a genius, I need space to do...do genius things." He said, arms flailing, holding back from stomping his foot.
"You have a mansion." Coulson snapped back.
"I need lots of space!"
Clint jumped on the work table. Tony grumbled and swatted half heartedly at him.
"Make me dinner, Tony." Clint demanded. "I want food." Tony peered up at him.
"Seriously?" He asked. Clint nodded.
"I'm completely serious. I'm a serious as...something serious. Look, I want food, and you can cook. How can you cook anyway? Seriously I mean, look Tony, I'm being serious again, but seriously, I thought you wouldn't be able to cook at all. I thought you'd be terrible. You're not. Why?"
(chapter 2 of Picture Perfect by junebug1234)
If anythinglike this happens again, you have my word; I'll go." Tony said, coldly.
"You're still on a contract Mr. Stark," Coulson spoke up.
"There's a clause. You think I don't read the documents people give me to sign. I do. There's a section that states under extreme circumstances, or in the chance that I feel my work is threatened, or my environment is unstable and dangerous, I may withdraw.
"And unfortunately for you, that would be bad. Technology would be down. I'll take back my weapons, my helicarrier, my quinjets, Iron Man, the millions of dollars funding the Avengers fund, the millions funding SHIELD, I'll remove contracts with you and I will make sure the public knows I don't approve of your agency.
"I'll negotiate terms, and remove the Agents I want from your facility, and use them to their potential, doing what they want. That includes Agent Barton if I feel that it is necessary. Don't forget Fury, that you play your games, you do what you want, but this does not happen again. Because I can destroy you. I can rip SHIELD down from the foundations. And I'll do it without Iron Man. I'll do it as Tony Stark, as that mortal you despised bringing on the team. Iron Man yes, Tony Stark, no, isn't that right Fury? I'll show you how much you want me on your side if this happens again.
"This was unacceptable." Stark finished, snarling, fists shaking.
(chapter 3 of Picture Perfect by junebug1234)
When the others got back, Clint had convinced Tony to make dinner instead of a weapon of mass destruction liked he enjoyed doing when he was mad.
Bruce remembered the first time he spent any significant amount of time with Clint.
"When you turn into the Hulk," Clint had asked, leaning in, not wary, but curious, "does it hurt a lot? Or do you feel that weird tingling feeling you get after you've stayed still too long and your foot had fallen asleep and then you move it and little needles inside your foot stab at you till you've hopped it off?"
"Um...no?" He answered.
"To what?" Clint looked mildly irritated at the answer.
"To both. It's like, when you're stretching, and you aren't very flexible, 'cause you haven't stretched in a while and your muscles strain, and ache, and yeah, it hurts a bit, but I'm used to it by now."
Clint had looked fascinated. "What if you try stretching more?"
SHIELD history was made. They realized the purple didn't come out, and a few computers were smashed were agents had destroyed them in their shock and fear. Of all the surprises, one of the biggest ones was when Steve laughed for about five minutes seeing a shocked Agent Hill with purple splashes in her hair, some liquid dripping down her uniform, a suctioned arrow on her forehead, and her gun pointed at her computer which was blasting 'Purple Haze' with shocking graphics popping up over monitors all over the room. That's when everyone connected the dots. The mysterious liquid that hardened, and got everywhere, the arrows, the deadly accuracy, and the technology turning on them. Somehow, Clint and Tony got Bruce Banner helping them with their pranks. Fury was yelling for ten minutes.
(chapter 4 of Picture Perfect by junebug1234)
"So," he said to the Hulk, "like I was saying, before we were so rudely interrupted. There was a momma bear, a daddy bear, and a baby bear, because the nuclear family hadn't been invented yet. Otherwise there'd be two baby bears and whatever the bear equivalent of a dog is."
The Hulk listened raptly. He was probably one of the best audiences Tony had ever had, except for the almost total silence. "Little bears," he repeated, as if proud.
"That's right," Tony told him. "And they all lived together in a house in the woods."
That made the Hulk laugh. "Bears in house!"
"There were probably some logistical problems, I'll grant you," Tony agreed. "No opposable thumbs. Narrow doorways. Smell of wet fur in the morning after Momma Bear spends forever in the shower."
"Stupid bears," the Hulk said.
"Sure," Tony said. "Although, I mean, they can talk. So they must be smarter than the average bear." He couldn't quite stop the tiny smile. "But I think the house was probably a mistake. Housing bubble. Made it look like everyone should be a homeowner."
This was where Bruce would've laughed. The Hulk only watched him uncertainly.
"-Anyway," Tony said. "There was also a little girl. Way littler than the bears. And I guess her parents weren't all that creative, because they named her Goldilocks. After her curly blond hair. And, why not, I mean. They were pretty terrible parents all around, since they never taught her not to break into other people's houses and steal stuff."
The Hulk scowled. "No steal," he said, very firmly.
"Well," Tony said, thinking of - but no, the Hulk really, really wasn't going to care about intellectual property rights. "Right. No steal."
"Goldie bad," the Hulk decided.
"Not really a role model," Tony said. "Anyway, she got lost in the woods. I think." Actually, most of the story was kind of a blur to him before the porridge part. And after. "And she sees the bears' house, so in she goes. Without even knocking."
Around the tale of Snow White and the Vertically-Challenged Diamond Miners, though, the Hulk's eyelids started to droop, and Tony only got about halfway through Hansel and Gretel: A Cautionary Tale of Childhood Obesity before he rolled over and went right to sleep.
(By Certain Definitions of Normal by Libek)
"Ha ha! SUCKERS! That's what you get for shoving innocent claustrophobic people into small rooms!" Bruce said with a little first pump. Thor watched him warily.
"Do you not think that this is a little too harsh Doctor?" Thor asked cautiously. Bruce paused in his excitement and looked at Thor.
"They called you a Shakespeare wannabe alien who's dumber than a 3 year old." Bruce said frankly. Thor paused.
"LET THE ANGER OF THE GODS RAIN DOWN UPON THESE PUNY HUMANS!" Thor declared raising his mighty hammer.
All the screens unexpectedly turned back on and Tony Stark was on every single one of them – she must be in a nightmare – that was the only explanation.
"Hello lovely overworked agents in security room 103! You have now been relieved of all control and access to your systems and codes! So have an early day off – all expenses on Fury. I like you Agent Hill – so if you fear death – don't open your door. Bye, bye!" Tony said cheerfully before the signal died and they were left with fuzzy grey screens everywhere except for the central one that displayed the control room. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
"What did Stark mean by that?" A nervous intern asked. They all stared at the door as they heard a rushing noise come closer and closer. They huddled around the window and were confused when they saw a group of agents fleeing down the hall around the corner.
"RETREAT!" They shouted to the other agents in the hall. Retreating, it is like running away only manlier. All their mouths fell open when they caught sight of the monstrosity the agents were running from.
"Is that a freaking tidal wave?" One of the agents asked in disbelief.
"Forget waves – is that Clint Barton and Steve Rogers surfing on top of the waves?" Another agent asked even more stunned. Agent Hill pinched the bridge of her nose. That headache was building again.
Buzz. "AGENT HILL – WHAT DO WE DO?" A distressed agent asked through her unexpectedly working com link. She watched the poor agent about to be over taken by the rushing waves. Poor bastard.
"Just close your eyes so you don't see it coming agent. It was nice knowing you." She said with a salute. All the agents behind her copied her action. The agent banged on their window frantically before he was washed away by the currents.
May we always stay on the good side of Tony Stark.
"Cause we gon' rock this club, We gon' go all night We gon' light it up Like it's dynamite!" A distinct voice started singing over the ship's intercom. Everyone froze. Oh no.
The entire room shook with the vibrations of the explosion. Fury gripped a table to avoid crashing to the floor and then grabbed an agent by the collar of their shirt.
"You will tell what that was and you will tell me RIGHT NOW!" He said dangerously. The agent looked like he was about to cry.
"I-I-I…it s-s-sounded like Stark is here Sir!" He squeaked. Fury stared him down for another second and when it was apparent the poor agent was about to pass out from fear he dropped him on the ground. He looked to the rest of his crew, but they were all fearfully staring at the ceiling listening to the pat, pat noises coming from all different directions.
"Hello fellow stressed and exploited agents - and Popeye. Today I bring glad tidings of mercy – the door is blocked courtesy of Stark explosives, but if you step away from the eye patch you will be spared from our next big event." Tony said cheerfully over the intercom.
Every single agent took a step back from the Director. He shot them all deadly looks.
"You know why we're here Director – if you just agree to our terms it will all stop." Tony said giving the stubborn master of all spies one last chance.
"I do not negotiate while under threat of attack Stark." Fury said firmly.
"Suit yourself." Tony said with a shrug as he pressed a button. A vent right above the director's head opened, allowing a huge pile of yellow goo to fall from the ceiling and coat the director from head to toe. No one dared to breathe. His eyes had murder in them.
"Is that the best you got Stark?" Fury asked – he was actually disappointed. He expected something better than that.
"You know, there is this line I always wanted to say but never had the right opportunity to use it -until today. MONKEYS – ATTACK!" Tony shouted over the intercom.
Everyone stood there in utter shock as they watched all the vents around the room burst opens and had monkeys start pouring out of them. Monkeys. On the helicarrier. In the control room. Absolute insanity.
"EEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The tiny terrors screeched.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Fury said watching the army of primates' race towards him and only him. He glanced down and finally realized he smelled like bananas.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as he was attacked from all sides by the hairy creatures. He went down like a tree. All the agents grimaced. There was nothing saving him now. The pile of monkeys continued to grow and everyone backed up against the wall to avoid getting any of the banana goo on themselves. Self-preservation instincts come first before loyalty.
"Cause I told you once Now I told you twice We gon' light it up Like it's dynamite!" Tony sang as a disco ball descended from the ceiling. How the hell did he get that installed without anyone noticing? They would never know.
"Well I hope you liked our protest demonstration today. The Avengers would like to make a statement – go find another messed up superhero team to save the world for the next two weeks – we want a freaking vacation. Good bye and have a wonderful day!"
(Day 20:Mayhem aboard the helicarrier by shadowsontherun)
"She also speaks Infernal, because I said so. And now, inventory. I want a warship." (Tony)
"Tony, we're starting the campaign in a barren mountain region." (Bruce)
"I'll hire some locals to pull it along on a rope." (Tony)
"You do realize your character isn't a billionaire, right?" (Bruce)
"Use some imagination, darling. I'll promise them starting shares in my future alchemy corporation, get them in on the ground floor, and watch the enterprise take off. Don't look at me like that. Why are you looking at me like that?" (Tony)
A/N They're playing DD.
But Bruce is also smiling a little, so another step in the ongoing mission of Keeping Bruce from Thinking About His Issues is accomplished. Plus-five Awesome. "By the way, I'd like to announce that JARVIS' seventh birthday is coming up less than two months from now. My little baby's growing up. I might even shed a tear."
"Congratulations, JARVIS," Bruce says dutifully. "I'd offer to get you a present, but I have a feeling that a gift certificate to Best Buy isn't going to cut it."
"Thank you, Dr. Banner," says JARVIS solemnly. "It's the thought that counts, after all."
"I wonder what counts as AI porn?" Tony wonders out loud. "Shoving a plug into a socket? Siri and her filthy little dirty-talk?"
"Perhaps a gift certificate to Best Buy would be appropriate after all," says JARVIS, and Bruce actually laughs.
None of the weapons had shown any sign of life since then, suggesting they'd been wired into the mothership's network, but practically anything's possible at this point.
Like that shiny round thing on the side. It could do anything.
"Oh my god! Tony!"
The far side of the workshop goes up like someone's detonated some C4, flames and smoke and the works, and Tony somehow finds himself going from standing up in a comfortable slouch to half-buried in coils of unused cables. The Chitauri gun he'd been aiming has slid several feet away, and triumph roars through him like a tiger at the end of a training montage in a kung fu movie.
"Tony, say something!" he hears Pepper yelling through the ringing in his ears, her hands shaking his shoulders, even though he's pretty sure you aren't supposed to do that to people with possible concussions or broken things on the inside.
"Something," he manages fuzzily.
"You and big red buttons, Tony, I swear to god," Pepper sighs in irritation-fondness-worry.
"I agree with Miss Potts, sir."
"You're all against me," he mutters as he gets up, kicking off a length of cable and leaning harder on Pepper than he actually needs to. She's wearing that perfume he bought her for her birthday. He'd even picked it out himself, armed with nothing more than the very specific instructions she'd written down for him.
"JARVIS, am I asleep?" (Tony)
"According to your brainwaves, sir, no, although I imagine that that would be the sort of thing I would say in your dream." (Guess who.)
"Sir, it appears that Captain Rogers is at the front door."
It's so unexpected that Tony turns down the music in the workshop himself. "Does he look homicidal? Angrily constipated?"
"Charming as that image is, no."
It takes a moment to switch tracks from trying to translate neurobiology into armor-friendly programming using completely alien technology to oh, hey, social interaction with squishy humans.
(chapter 1 of Dreaming Electric by Jukebox Hound)
"Welcome home, sir." (JARVIS)
"Hello, honey, is dinner on the table? Never mind, just call the nearest pizza place, I'm not going to let social pressure control my girlish figure." (Tony)
"Very progressive of you, sir." (JARVIS)
"I said you could live here, not invade my private world," Tony complains when his music gets turned down to bearable levels. "Why are you invading my private world?"
"Perhaps because you're a difficult person to pin down at any other time," says Steve mildly. "How is it going?"
"'How is it going,' he asks, as though I'm working on a papier-mâché volcano for my fifth-grade science fair. Which I never did, I made a robot that could set things on fire, which did not please Mrs. Whittington, let me tell you. It's going about as well as you can expect of a top-secret biotech project, which is to say, I must be left in complete silence to work."
Depeche Mode's bass thunders on in the background.
"When was the last time you slept?"
"You're all so suspicious, I have no idea why. What lies has Pepper been spreading about me?"
"At least a day, then."
That's creepy. If Steve Rogers is going to develop Bruce and Pepper's brand of telepathy, someone's credit score is going down.
DUM-E, the idiot, has a conical party hat strapped to the apex of his arm and is zooming around the shop kitchenette on little wheels, banging cake pans and an electric mixer.
"Ignore him, he's so excited he just can't hide it." (Tony)
"Excited for what?" (Steve)
"It's almost JARVIS' birthday, so that means party stuff. Pointy hats. Favors. There might be a cake, but Dummy's still practicing his cooking so I told JARVIS to have the Poison Control Center on speed-dial." (Tony)
(chapter 2 of Dreaming Electric by Jukebox Hound)
"What're you doing here?" Tony asks with all the charm and diplomacy that's gotten not just a few senators on his speed dial. Try to distract the crazy person.
"I'm here to kill you."
"…That's refreshingly straightforward."
"Commencing Operation: Stupid Fucking Plan." (Tony)
(chapter 3 of Dreaming Electric by Jukebox Hound)
Tony comes running into the room just in time to see the Hulk smash the coffee table into a million tiny pieces.
Before Bruce can wonder why the hell the man isn't wearing his suit, Tony yells in a surprisingly loud voice "HULK! What do you think you're doing?"
Everyone seems to stop and even Steve is too taken by surprise to stop Tony from storming past him right into Hulks range.
Bruce watches in mute horror as the Hulk roars and growls and one of his fists barely miss Tony who is staring right at him with his arms crossed over his chest. "HULK SMASH!"
"Yes, Hulk smash my perfectly fine coffee table for no reason."
The Hulk hunkers down, looming over Tony who doesn't back away. The Avengers on the screen tense up and Bruce thinks he hears Clint mutter something about suicidal idiots but he is too mesmerized by the sight of Tony being threatened by his alter ego to pay much mind. The doctor finds himself laying one of his hands on the head in his lap to reassure himself that Tony is actually here and hasn't been crushed to death by the monster currently breathing into his face. "TONY SCARED?"
"No." Tony drawls and his voice is even and controlled and the Hulk is obviously taken aback by this human who doesn't cover in fear or runs away. "Tony angry."
"ANGRY?" The Hulk sounds confused but not any less threatening. Humans are always either afraid of him or angry, though the angry ones tend to scream and fire at him and not talk to him in a calm and collected manner.
"Yes, angry. There was no reason to smash that perfectly fine piece of furniture when it has done nothing to deserve it and now I'm gonna have to order a new one and Pepper's going to see the paperwork like she always does and then she's gonna blame me and probably force me to go to Ikea or something and put it together myself so I can appreciate my new coffee table and she won't let me built a robot to do it because it's apparently not the same as building it myself although I totally disagree because I will have built the robot and if the robot builds the coffee table then I will have at least technically built it as well so-"
"Stark. Breathe." Natasha cuts him off, but she looks rather amused now, as do all the other Avengers. During Tony's little rant, the Hulk had grown less and less tense and actually flopped down on the ground as if Tony's torrent of words weighted him down. Bruce would have never believed it if he hadn't seen it himself, but the look on Hulks face resembles that of a confused puppy as he watches the puny human, standing right between his outstretched legs and ranting at him about robots and Ikea.
"Angry?" Hulk asks now, less certain and almost a bit sheepish.
"A little." Tony finally concedes. "So how about an apology?"
"Apology?" The Hulk sounds as if he's never heard that word before but Tony just nods.
"That's one of the rules of this team, buddy. Apologize when you've done something wrong. Don't think just because you are bigger and greener and growlier than the rest of us, that you get out of it. You are part of this team so the rules apply to you too."
Bruce doesn't think anyone else sees it, not even Tony who is so near he could probably count the hairs of Hulks eyelashes, but he does. He sees the moment when Hulk realizes that Tony considers him part of the team as his own person and not just as an extension of Bruce Banner.
"I don't think growlier is a word." Clint whispers but Thor shushes him, obviously deeply moved by this show of companionship.
They spend a few minutes in comfortable silence before it is broken by a snort from the third man in the room. Tony is talking in his sleep, something about his suit being purple and begging Pepper not to leave him in favor of managing a professional tennis player. By the time he orders Dummy to fetch him his Toy Story 3 bedsheets the two men are openly laughing, wiping tears from the corners of their eyes and bemoaning the face that they can't record this for the others.
(Of Fudge and Nuts by InsaneMelon)
"Steve, they're not gonna run screaming terrified just cause he can climb walls, okay? Frankly, I'm kind of jealous, that looks cool as hell-"
"Yes, Tony, but you're you," Steve sighed with just a hint of fondness, bouncing the toddler lightly to keep him entertained, "You think sentient toasters are cool."
"Blasphemy!" Tony exclaimed in mock shock, "You love Waldo, and when we can find the bastard, you know he makes like the best toast ever-"
"I am not a babysitter. Who knows how long it would take to find the kid's family? We don't even know his name; what if it takes months? That's like actually having a kid! And I'd have to baby proof things and then I wouldn't be able to get into my cabinets and that's really just so much more trouble than it's worth-" (Tony)
"If that's your only worry we can just skip the cabinet locks, they're not that important, there weren't any when I was growing up-" (Steve)
"But then the kid'll open the cabinets and die!" (Tony)
"I really don't think that's why people childproof their cabinets, Tony." (Steve)
Over time, he asked less and less, and the Avengers were able to bring him out of his shell. Once they got him comfortable with them, he was inquisitive and talkative, always poking or prodding at something or another-after the fourth time in one morning Peter pulled out every single pot and pan in the house to bang on, they were forced to buy the dreaded cupboard locks Tony so despised.
Unfortunately, they forgot to inform Tony.
After Tony tugged and fiddled and messed with his cupboard for almost fifteen minutes, he declared it satanic and disappeared into his lab, re-emerging with a chainsaw. Luckily, Steve caught sight of him and explained that a, they'd put childlocks on the cupboards, and b, a chainsaw is never the answer to anything ever.
Tony argued point b for a while with a long, nonsensical hypothetical situation that had something to do with a zombie apocalypse, before eventually shouting gibberish at Steve and retreating into his lab. He didn't emerge for seventeen hours, at which point he came out bearing electronic locks that JARVIS could control remotely, keeping Peter out and Tony in. It was, of course, totally accidental that it screeched satanic curses at Steve whenever he touched it.
About a month or so after they found him, Tony caught Peter flipping through one of his favorites, mouthing the words from memory as he turned the pages. After that, he'd set about teaching Peter in earnest, and the boy picked it up startlingly fast.
Tony, proud as hell, told anyone who would listen; Dr. Doom had to admit it was quite impressive.
"Tony?" Steve entered Tony's workshop, Tony's favorite sandwich and a very large cup of coffee in hand.
"Oh god," Tony paled, looking up, "That's way more caffeine than you let me drink. What happened? Is Pete okay?"
Tony was already up and out of his chair, brushing past Steve, who caught him by the arm. Steve smiled to himself; Tony liked to pretend he could care less about kids or Peter, but he had more of a soft spot for the boy than any of them.
"Peter's fine," Steve reassured his friend, pressing the coffee into his hand, "Can't I just do something nice every once in a while?"
"You're always nice," Tony chuckled, "Extra-caffeine-nice just usually involves bad news."
"Or favors," Steve cleared his throat uncomfortably.
"Or favors," Tony conceded. Then he paused, realizing, "Oh. You want a favor? Name it."
"It's a big favor, Tony," Steve bit his lip, "Don't agree so quickly. You can have time to think about it, too, if you want, it's not necessarily immediate-"
"Steve," Tony rolled his eyes, "Whatever you want, it's yours."
"I'm serious, you're going to want to think about this-"
"Do you want to kill me?"
"Any of our friends?"
"Of course not, what are you-"
"Then just tell me already so I can say yes."
"If you're not going to take me seriously, I'm taking back the coffee," Steve threatened jokingly.
"No, mine," Tony made a hissing noise not unlike a cat.
"What if that was the favor?" Steve teased.
"You said you didn't want to kill me!" Tony exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger.
"Caffeine deprivation isn't death," Steve chuckled.
"But it kills my soooul, Steeeve," Tony whined a complaint.
(Rescue by Wordsplat)
What no one seems to fucking remember is that Tony Stark created that armor. Iron Man would be less than nothing – literally – without Tony and his genius. Leave Tony alone, however, with access to a half-decent workshop (or a dry cave in the middle of nowhere) and he'll revolutionize the world.
(Spectacular Ignorance by darke wulf)
"Okay, so say you were looking at…" Tony thinks, what do normal guys like? "…cars. Say you are looking at cars, but just this one kind of car. What kind of car do you drive?"
"I don't drive a car," says Steve, looking a little puzzled, "I have a bike."
"Like a pedal it yourself kind of bike? 'Cause not only does that kind of suck for you but that really isn't going to work for this example."
Steve must sense his confusion because he immediately says "Sorry, it's just that I don't know too many grad students with a luxury car collection."
True, it's not something he advertises. He generally doesn't have to. Most everyone already knows who he is, especially in the engineering faculty. Plus, nothing loses you the respect of your peers quite like flaunting your wealth, especially while they tell you horror stories about how they got scurvy one year from eating nothing but Mac n' Cheese for six months. Tony's sure he's been dangerously close to malnourished but that was just because he forgot to eat for a week that one time.
(chapter 1 of Standard Deviation by 2GrinningGirls)
"Hey there, professor," he says once he gets close enough for Tony to hear. Tony turns around and grins at him. "Isn't it kind of lame to be partying with a bunch of students?"
"Come on now, Steve, some people at this party are actually cool. Yours truly, for example," Tony says, waving a hand to encompass himself.
Steve rolls his eyes, "Isn't this a little lowbrow? I thought professors were supposed to sip brandy in the Faculty Club."
"Only on Thursdays," says Tony with a laugh. "But you do realize that I'm still technically a student, right? I'm not a real prof, I just play one three times a week."
"Well sure, but you're working on your PhD. Doesn't that make you a little old for the undergrad scene?"
Tony cocks his head to the side. "How old do you think I am?"
"I don't know..." Steve says. He takes in Tony's appearance: blue jeans, band t-shirt that looks old and well loved, carefully groomed goatee, dark hair styled in a way that's not supposed to look styled. He's more casual than he usually appears in class. How old are grad students usually? "Mid-twenties?"
"Yeah, no," Tony says with a laugh, "I'm actually only nineteen."
"Seriously?" Steve blurts before he can stop himself. "You're younger than I am! How does that even work? You must have started your undergrad at—" And Steve doesn't even know how to finish that sentence.
"Fifteen," supplies Tony with an elaborate shrug.
Steve gapes at him, "Are you some kind of child prodigy?" 'Cause seriously, nineteen…nineteen? That's so young. Although that does explain a lot. No wonder his favourite insult is "assclown."
"You know each other?" Steve asks him as he pours some milk into his coffee.
"Hm, Marie and Jan? No, not really. I just come here a lot. Pretty much every day, actually. And by pretty much I just mean every single day. I'm not going to say I'm addicted, I just sort of need caffeine to function at all. And when I don't have it, I can't stop thinking about it. And also I get these shakes—okay, maybe I'm a little bit addicted."
Steve laughs. "But just a little bit," he says. Tony gets the distinct impression he's being humoured.
"I can't believe we're about to play laser tag against a bunch of ten-year-olds." (Steve)
"Don't underestimate them, Steve. That's how they get you. They're vicious." (Tony)
"I don't doubt it." (Steve)
"One time, when I was, I don't know, eight maybe? I brought a bunch of mirrors in with me and gave them out to my team. The other kids lost their shit. They couldn't figure out what was happening. " (Tony)
(chapter 2 of Standard Deviation by 2GrinningGirls)
Finally, lecture ends. From the front of the class, Tony calls, "Okay, I'll take your assignments up at the front, kiddos. Just set 'em on the desk here. If you're not handing in your assignment today, I don't want to hear your excuses for why not. Take the zero like good men and women. And for God's sake don't cough on your homework and then hand it to me. Technically that is a biological attack and I will have to burn your assignment for the good of all."
Steve hangs back to hand up his assignment last, saying "I didn't cough on it, but I may have used it as a sneeze guard. That's cool though, right?"
Tony grins at him. "Get out of here, Rogers, so I can Lysol these assignments in peace."
(chapter 3 of Standard Deviation by 2GrinningGirls)
"Good morning," says Steve, deliberately cheerful. If the 10 a.m. classes have been any indication, Steve is pretty sure that Tony is not a morning person.
"I hate you" is Tony's reply.
Steve chuckles, "But I have presents."
Tony turns around looking slightly suspicious, but his face lights up when he sees the venti black eye in Steve's outstretched hand. Tony lunges for it, takes a sip and sighs with contentment.
"I think you have a caffeine problem," observes Steve as he moves about the kitchen, getting out a bowl and pouring himself a large helping of Shreddies.
Tony doesn't dignify that with an answer.
"Want any?" Steve asks, shaking the Shreddies box, and Tony, looking vaguely disgusted, shakes his head no. Steve shrugs, adds milk to his bowl and then sits down at the table to eat.
"Thanks for this," says Tony, saluting him with the paper cup. "But just for the record, the one food I always have on hand is coffee."
"Tony, I hate to break this to you, but coffee isn't food."
"Yeah, okay," he scoffs.
"Hmm," Tony mumbles, getting off the couch to peruse the collection of games he has stored in the entertainment unit. He picks one out and holds it out to Steve: "Ever played Gears of War?"
"Is that the one where you massacre each other with chainsaws?"
"The very same," Tony replies.
Steve makes a face. "I only played the first one. It wasn't my favourite."
Tony is looking at him like he just lost his mind. "But – but you kill stuff with chainsaws. Graphically."
"But the plot sucked and the game was really short."
"I am not sure that we can be friends anymore."
(chapter 4 of Standard Deviation by 2GrinningGirls)
He gives Steve his best pout. "C'mon, I'm a genius. I pick things up quickly."
Steve gives Tony a considering look. "Yeah, but I'm going to need some kind of insurance in place first. I've heard you genius types are prone to blowing places up. And I don't want to be held responsible." Tony can make out the hint of a smirk on Steve's lips.
"Eh," Tony shrugs, "blowing stuff up is getting old. I'm looking for newer, better ways to screw up now. Tell me, what are your thoughts on melting?" Tony puts both his elbows on the table and rests his chin in his hand as innocently as he can.
"Yeah, I think I'm done with explosions," says Tony as he taps the fingers of his other hand on the table, "I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I am dedicating myself to melting." He leans forward and lowers his voice, "Say, do you know what happens when you add tert-butyllithium to…pretty much anything, actually? Because I do."
He can tell Steve is trying not to smile. "Lemme guess," he says.
"It sets it on fire," Tony says at the same time Steve says, "It melts."
"I thought you'd like it—Jesus, you have the perfect smile," says Tony around a mouthful of mashed potatoes. "I didn't want to say anything but it's distracting, honestly, no wonder old people love you." Tony pauses as a brilliant idea occurs to him. "I bet you could get away with anything. No, really, stop laughing, I mean it. Think of the possibilities. We could become master con artists. I'd be the brains and you'd be the brawn and if we're ever questioned by the police you'd just flash them those pearly whites of yours and they'd be like, no way, case closed, can't be this guy, not a chance, not with a smile like that."
Steve laughs, cheeks going pink. It's a good look on him. "You're crazy," he says.
"Brilliant," Tony corrects. "And there's that blush. Seriously, we could get away with anything! I mean, who would believe the blushing puppy is part of a devious mastermind team? So what do you say? Wanna help me take over the world?"
"Hmmm…what's my share?"
"Sixty," Steve counters.
"Fifty-fifty partners. Final offer."
Steve grins at him. "Deal."
(chapter 5 of Standard Deviation by 2GrinningGirls)
"….what on earth is going on in here?"
Tony's head whipped about, looking at the doorway. Clint had more difficulty seeing, pinned down as he was. He struggled to sit up, but Tony probably weighed almost as much as him, and the man wasn't making any motion to let him up. Still, he managed to shift just enough to see the doorway, where Pepper stood, staring at them. She had obviously been reacting only to the noise, but a strange look passed over her face when she saw that it was Clint there with Tony. She looked extremely surprised, but there was something else there as well. Something he didn't quite understand. And something a little bit pleased.
She turned her attention back to Tony. "…what are you doing."
"It's a battle for couch domination."
Pepper seemed to take the comment in stride; Clint would wage that she had to put up with much stranger things in her day to day life with Tony. She nodded. "Okay. You do remember that you have an event tonight, don't you? The Abbington Benefit Gala?"
Tony rolled his eyes. "Um, yea, I'm gonna ditch that?"
"Tony, you confirmed your attendance a month ago. You can't ditch it."
"Yea, well, I am. I'm hanging out with Clint."
"We're bonding. And doing MAN STUFF."
Pepper glanced at the two of them, Tony straddling Clint's lap on the couch. "….oh, is that what this is."
(chapter 1 of Stark With a Drink, End With a Kiss by Nuwanda)
Clint had no idea how fast they were going, only that they made it to the center of town about ten minutes sooner than they should have. "…do you even know what a speed limit is?"
"Yup." Tony unfastened his seatbelt. "Just don't care."
"…..you do know that laws still apply to you, right? Just because you're a billionaire genius doesn't mean you can't get arrested."
"No, I can't get arrested because I'm awesome."
"Oh, is that how it works."
"….Tony…you did not buy me a cravat." (Clint)
"….of course I didn't. Why would I do that?" (Tony)
"Because you're a pain in the ass." (Clint)
"…..this is true." (Tony)
(chapter 2 of Stark With a Drink, End With a Kiss by Nuwanda)
He only realized that he had tuned out Tony's conversation when the woman's attention landed on him. "And who's your handsome friend here?" Oh God.
Oh. That hadn't been nearly as traumatizing as Clint had thought. He'd honestly expected Tony to say something truly embarrassing.
"He's my date."
….oh God. "His friend," Clint cut in, unable to miss the way the woman's eyes widened, or the fact that Tony's words had been spoken directly into that damn microphone, which was probably recording every word. God knows what she was going to do with the information. "I'm his friend."
"And my date."
Clint fixed Tony with a death glare. Tony beamed back at him.
"…..well….." The woman finally seemed to have found her voice again. Clint wished she had stayed shocked, if only just to keep her shut up. "…..how did you two meet?"
Oh God. Clint fumbled desperately for a way to do damage control before Tony could make this any worse, but Tony was already looping an arm around his shoulders. "Oh, we met on a vacation in Acapulco, didn't we, sweetheart?"
"Tony, I swear to God, I am going to kill you."
The reporter was just loving this. Tony was grinning, but seemed to finally take pity on Clint. "Nah, we work together. Clint's a SHIELD agent. Best shot I've ever seen."
Oh, God. Another reporter. Tony rolled his eyes at Clint, but his face was calm as he turned to the woman. Clint realized suddenly that both bananas were gone. Tony only had his drink in his hand. Did he eat it and I missed it?
"Mr. Stark, who's your friend, here?"
"This is Ishmael Fujimoto."
Clint somehow managed to turn his burst of laughter into an extremely loud cough. The woman reporter gave him a very odd look. "Well….how did you and…Mr. Fujimoto…meet?"
"At a sumo wrestling exhibition in Scotland."
"No, I'm totally shitting you. His name's Clint, he works with SHIELD."
Clint was actually glad Tony had fessed up; he felt as if he was going to explode from trying to hold back his laughter.
The reporter, on the other hand, didn't look too pleased that Tony had been lying to her. "Oh."
Tony either didn't notice her irritation or, much more likely with Tony, didn't care. And then he reached into his pocket, pulled out a banana, and began peeling it. The woman's eyes widened, and if she had looked upset before, she looked doubly so now. Tony still didn't react, simply began calmly eating his banana. "Yea. Should see him shoot a bow. It's epically badass."
(chapter 3 of Stark With A Drink, End With A Kiss by Nuwanda)
Tony grinned. "Glad you agree." He paused. "Oh. I was saying. Just a forewarning…pretty much anything I cook looks like crap. So these pancakes are pretty ugly. But they'll taste good. Promise."
Clint laughed. "Okay. I consider myself warned."
"Good." Tony led the way into the kitchen, stopping in front of the counter. Clint stared at the pancakes. Tony watched Clint, taking in his reaction.
"…..well," Clint spoke up at last, "you weren't kidding."
Tony laughed. "Nope, not at all."
Clint took another look at the pancakes, cocking his head as he considered them. "…..how the hell do you make square pancakes?"
"I have no idea."
"Seriously…you pour the batter in the pan, it spreads out in a circular pattern. Square pancakes should be impossible. How did you do that?"
"I don't know!"
"That's gotta be a special skill."
"Well, at least it's a skill."
Clint shook his head, grinning, and sat down. Tony placed a plate in front of him.
"Thanks." Clint picked up a fork, cutting into the extremely ugly pancakes, taking a bite. "….okay, yeah. These are really good."
"Told you." Tony sat down opposite Clint, digging into his own pancakes. "I may make ugly food, but it tastes good."
(New Beginnings by Nuwanda)