Author has written 5 stories for Smurfs.
Hello, people of planet earth! (If this does not apply to you, leave right now. Aliens scare me...)
If you are reading this, it either means that you traveled from the future to see my past work for whatever reason (you get an invisible cupcake), that you are splendid enough to read the PURE AWESOME EPICNESS of this profile (mental cookies for YOU), or that you accidentally stumbled upon this gold mine of total fanfiction sweetness (have AIR CANDY)!
If the first applies to you, then I thank you, my future servants... I mean, er... friends, for looking at my stories. If you are simply considerate enough to read this, THANK YOU for looking at my work. It means A LOT to me! You are all awesome! If you just stumbled across this, please, please do not press the back button and abandon me here!
Still here? Yays.
I'm a beta reader, in case anyone wants to know. I love Betareading, so send me a PM.
At the moment, I will write for Kirby, Smurfs, Rise of the guardians, Kuroshitsuji, and Harry Potter. (Raise your hand if you don't write for the HP fandom. Now, put your hand down if you couldn't write for it if you wanted to. No one? Thought so.) This changes, so I'd keep an eye on this particular paragraph.
I'm uber-happy to take requests, though you'll have to be patient to see them posted.
Well, what are you still here for? Go on and read my fanfics!
I own all of the pictures for my stories and avatar. If you wanna use one, PM me.
Monster of a Grouch: Finished!
A Very, Very Bad Day: Finished! Monster of a Grouch Spin-off. One-shot.
Reflections: Finished! One-shot.
A Very Grouchy Romance: Smurfette/Grouchy.
Untitled: Snappy/Grouchy Family, Hurt/Comfort, NO SLASH.
Me & Fanfiction
1. In my world, Meta Knight is Nightmare's creation. Come on, it's obvious! I especially love fics where Meta is NME's son. I like NME as a father figure, no clue why.
2. Grouchy Smurf is the greatest smurf of all time. He is far less annoying than the other smurfs. And instead of believing he was bitten by a purple fly, I enjoy creating origin stories for him.
3. There's such a diverse selection of fanfics in the HP fandom, I'm not sure what I like to write. If I feel the need to write a dark, meaningful fanfic, it'll probably be Harry Potter.
4. I HATE IT when authors start a great story and then either cancel it or disappear from the face of fanfiction for years on end! I will never do that! The very most I will leave a story is for aproximately two months.
5. I love chatting so just sent me a PM and I promise to reply!
6. I'm too nice to flame, so don't worry, I'm not a cyberbully.
Rise of the Guardians: Blackice (PitchxJack)
Warning: long profile ahead. Don't like, don't read, just skip right to my stories!
Favorite food: Strawberries
Favorite color: If I had to choose one on pain of death, I'd pick red.
Favorite movie: The Princess Bride! Greatest movie of all time!
Favorite characters: Meta Knight, Grouchy Smurf, Batman, Jack Frost.
Talents: Writing, Drawing, Daydreaming (this IS a talent).
Personality: Emotionally bouncy, funny, perfectionist, Drama Queen, sensitive, enjoys giving detailed explanations of self.
Likes: Anime, Reading, Writing, Drawing.
Dislikes: Stupidity, hurting other people's feelings, Mary Sues, bad grammar, writer's block.
Pet peeve: Embarrassment, bullies.
"Hero" is more than a title, and less than a state of being. To be a hero is to be regarded as such by others.
Change happens whether we want it to or not. The only thing we have power over is our decision to embrace it or fight it.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Friends are like bras:
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Life is like a sewer...
Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
PEARLS OF WISDOM: NOT MINE!!
Passion without Pourpose, Strength without Control, Spirit without Disipline, All are the pathways to destruction.
To be afraid of nothing, is to be a fool. To stand up and face your terrors is to be truly brave.
Belief is a powerful and precious thing. But when placed in the hands of finite beings, it is twisted and maimed to thier own ends.
In the end, all we have is ourselves.
The only certainty we have in life is death. So why fear the inevitable?
Respect is nobody's birthright, is only ever earned.
A man has a code of honor, a set of rules he will always obey, no matter how evil or few they may seem.
A life without insanity is hardly worth living.
A rose by ay other name still has it's thorns.
If you want peace, prepare for war.
The dangerous man isn't loud, boastful, and in the spotlight. The dangerous man is quiet, humble, and concealed in shadows.
If you focus on the negative, you never see the positive.
Never make assumptions about people, you never know when they'll surprise you.
All gold is, is a shiny hunk of earth. The only reason it has value is because we give it value.
Evil has a way of befriending the good, and dragging them into the darkness.
We all bleed the same color.
When life hand you lemons, you can do one one of two things: either make lemonade and chill, or send them back at high velocity, preferably attached to a cinder block or another heavy object.
Beware the the beaten dog, he may decided he's had enough and fight back.
Always remember, someone, somewhere, thinks you're an idiot.
Somtimes the best thing you can do is walk away.
The heart wants what the wants, even that which is worse for it.
I know not what I will become, only what I am.
Some of Life's Pet Hates
1. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
2. When people say "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too!" Hello! What good is cake if you can't eat it? Who doesn't want to have their cake and eat it? What else am I going to do with my cake?
3. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who are they? Where are they? And Why?
4. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that??" No, I paid $12.00 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. Then I miss the next scene because I'm answering the doofus' question!
5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?
6. When something is "New and Improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here? Yeah the bus came but I decided to wait for you.
Copy and paste this onto your profile if you think that some of the fanfics that you read should be made into a movie/cartoon episode
Copy and paste this onto your profile if when someone asks you "who you want to be when you grow up", you answer "Me"
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year.
I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with books, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things.
Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone: Iheartjake, TeamJacob101, Boysareadrag, The Dawn Is Breaking, twilite addict, The Lonely Teenager, AliceDaSpaz, Skittle.Rocke, Silent_Broken_Heart, St. Fang of Boredom,rainbowstrike, iKate, fangalicous08, Rainthief, birdgirl24, Lilac_Rose6, SonicLugiaFan1, Hailfire Vulpes, Lunara the ara, PurplePythonStudios, A Drama Queen,
Homophobia and You
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.
44 Crazy things to do in an elevator! I didn't write it.
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in one corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to open the doors, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open by themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask them all to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at every floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises whenever someone else pushes a button.
10. Stare grinning at another person for a while, then say, "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square with chalk on the floor then say to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug with the other passengers. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say that you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone bends to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend that you're a flight attendant, and review emergency exits with the other passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Yell, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
23. Make race car noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift as you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shup UP!" (Something Grouchy Smurf would do, HA!)
26. Walk in with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!", then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring--don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say, "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, then say, "Is that your final answer?"
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask people what floor they want. Whenever they answer, give them a glare and say, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
33. Ask loudly, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell different people that you can see their aura.
35. When the door closes, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they'll open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long black cloak with a hood, stare at everyone, and in a deep voice announce: "It is time..."
38. Say "Your Majesty" when anyone gets on
39. Introduce yourself as Lord Voldemort
40. Ask people which floor they want and why, and then announce that you're going to the floor with Olympus on it because you didn't steal any lightning.
41. Hang Ethan Hunt style from the ceiling of the elevator and speak ominously when someone enters "Heloooooooo"
42. Still hanging from the ceiling, drop onto whoever comes in.
43. Try to make up and sing lyrics for the boring elevator music.
44. Try to start a My-Briefcase-is-better-than-yours contest.
TOP TEN Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a fifteen minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken . . ."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot . . ."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " . . . AMEN!"
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
In Case You Need Further Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed Because Of Stupidity, Here Are Some Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods:
On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children."
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
Many English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Anyone else having trouble getting to Narnia?
I've used up all of my sick days so I'm calling in dead.
"Don't attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot."
War does not determine who is right... only who is left.
There are two things that are infinite. The universe and human stupidity. And I'm not so sure about the universe.
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.
Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.
I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug.
You don't die of a broken heart... you only wish you did.
It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.
Quick, whats the number for 9-1-1?
Sticks and stones may scar my skin but words slice through my soul within.
I didn't slap you, I high-fived your face.
Its not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.
I didn't trip. I was just doing a random gravity test.
If your name is Mr.Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Growing old is mandatory . . . growing up is optional . . .
I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.
Friends will say "You deserve better"; Best friends will call him and say "You die in seven days".
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.
"Shut up voices, or I'll poke you with a fork."
Of all the things I've lost... I miss my mind the most.
Of course I'm talking to myself; who else can I trust?
Don't follow me, I'm lost too.
Money may not be the key to happiness, but a lack of money sure is the key to misery.
At least I don't CARE what those mindless people think of me.
It's always in the last place you look...of course it is! WHY would I keep looking AFTER I found it?
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?!
Haha. I don't get it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying, ‘Nice doggie!’ . . . 'till you can find a rock.
A good friend will come bail you out of jail. A best friend will be in the next cell saying,"Let's do it again!!"
If at first you don't suceed then sky diving isn't for you.
Those who throw objects at the crocodiles will be asked to retrive them.
Set sail in a general...THAT WAY direction.
Music is my boyfriend.
Definition of Your Mom: how to anwser a question when your bored.
Poke me. I dare you.
This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.
Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that.
Bom. Chicka. Waa. Waa.
You cry. I cry. You laugh. I laugh. You jump off a cliff. I laugh even harder.
I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
Change happens whether we want it to or not. The only thing we have power over is our decision to embrace it or fight it.
When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then laugh while people try to figure out what the hell you did.
When life gives you lemons, chuck them at the people you hate.
Danger: The person beside you is stupid.
It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with.
This world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER!!
Defenition of homework: crude form of mind control still practiced in some primitive areas of the world
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.
WARNING: Do NOT follow in my footsteps ... I walk into walls and off the occasional cliff.
I'm here because Heaven wouldn't take me, and hell was afraid I'd take over.
I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do, kill me?
Whenever you feel mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Did you know...Sarcasm is your body's natural defense against stupidity.
Have you seen my sanity? I seem to have lost it.
Never knock on Death's door, ring the doorway and run away... he hates that.
Paper may beat rock but cannon ball makes big hole in paper.
Even if the voices aren't real, they got some great ideas.
"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colours, but they still learn to live in the same box."
"Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?"
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen. Oh, you think I'm kidding.
What not to say to the police: "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
Oh my God, look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
Some call it stalking; I call it love.
-Boys in books . . . are just better.-
-I have more fictional boyfriends than you do. Beat that!-
-It's funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces.-
-Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.- (New Moon)
-The best things in life aren't things.- (Art Buchwald)
-Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
-There's that one quote, 'when I'm around you the sky is a different blue'. What happens when I'm around you . . .and the goddamn sky is grey?-
-So here's to teenage romance, and not knowing why it hurts like hell.-
-It's sad when people you know, become people you knew . . . When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours, and now . . . you can barely even look at them.-
-After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist finally said to me, "Maybe . . . life isn't for everyone." -
“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.”
All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy!
If con is the opposite of pro, is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." --Mark Twain
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small red stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
To conquer the earth with flying monkeys is not an appropriate career choice. I've already taken it.
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keybord can crush your crummy pen!
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the anwser and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, it's encouraged! Why is that?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
Parents spend the first parts of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Boys are like trees- they take 50 years to grow up.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser peasant in aluminum foil.
How are the force and duct tape the same?- Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together.
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Education is important; school however, is another matter.
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
Slinky Escalator = Endless Fun!
Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
One day, Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who then yelled, "You stick that god damned thing in me one more time, and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
You know your stressed out when you can hear mimes.
(On a T-Shirt.) Who are you, and why are you reading my shirt?
A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking.
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!
Normal people worry me.
People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in," when it's
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Cheese . . . Milk's leap toward immortality."
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Education is important. Although school is another matter entirely.
Music is love in search of words.
I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.
I ran with scissors and lived!
I don't obsess. I just think intensely.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
The knack of flying is attempting to fall . . . and missing the ground.
I find the phrase "Good Morning" an oxymoron.
Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.
Your just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.
I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends would talk to me.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy
Writing is a socially accepted form of Schizophrenia.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned
Being weird is like being normal, only better.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Be insane . . . Because well behaved girls never made history.
You call me a "B." Well a "B" is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment. :)
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine 'till I ran out of stars.
To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance . . . Baffle them with bullshit!
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
One out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
The more I learn about people the more I like my cat.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
I'm a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle here is my . . . Well I’ll be damned. I'm a sugar bowl.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Therapist = The/rapist . . . Scary thought.
Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!
"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it, you moron!" -Stewie Griffin
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes . . . but we love them anyways.
At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.
People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Ooooo . . . A life. Where can I download one?
I apologize. What? Do you want me to mean it too?
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
"If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail”. -David Brent-
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.
The TRUTH is that everyone's going to hurt you . . . You just have to decide who is worth the pain.
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwards." - Vernon Law
"Right now I have amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." - Steven Wright
"I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my super powers."
Palm Reader: -Gasp- "You're going to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it."
"In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't, everything it would be wouldn't, and everything it would be, was."
"I used to care, but I take a pill for that now . . ."
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
If the first grape you eat is bitter, then you won't bother eating grapes again. If the first grape you eat is a sweet one, then you are willing to search through all the bitter grapes until you find another sweet one.
Why is it when we're talking to God, we're praying, but whenever God talks to us, we're crazy?
The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
An Amateur built the Ark with God's help. Professionals built the Titanic by themselves...
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
When life hands you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade!
The sun has set, the moon has risen, today's the day we get out of prison!!
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
When life gives you lemons squirt them in life's eyes, then run far, far away.
Who was the first person to look a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt"?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English? (Actually, they have their own swear words.)
"Most people learn by observation, and there are a few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot." Anonymous
If technically after midnight it's morning, then why do we call it the middle of the night? Shouldn't we call it something like early morning?
Fools live to regret their words, and wise men their silence.
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
You think I'm crazy? At least I admit it.
You know there are poor people in Africa who can't afford sarcasm and yet you abuse it.
Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
“Last night, I dreamt I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.”
"I stopped fighting with my inner Demons. We're on the same side, now."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you."
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present . . .
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones. They will be easily recognized by their fellows.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
Rules For Dealing With Women
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:
You make the bed...1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty...0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom... ; -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...5
In the snow ...8
But return with alchohol...-5
And no liners...-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...5
You pummel it with a six iron...10
It's her cat...-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old
Tiffany is a dancer...-10
With breast implants...-18
You remember her birthday...0
You buy a card and flowers...0
You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team .-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal...0
The pal is happily married...1
The pal is single...-7
He drives a Ferrari...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie...2
You take her to a movie she likes...4
You take her to a movie you hate...6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called Death Cop III...-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly...-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, "Where?"...-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"...-100
Any other response...-20
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression...0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience...50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying,
"...well, what do you think I should do?"...-100
You have fallen asleep...-200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You don't talk...-150
You spend time with her...-200
You don't spend time with her...-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.
I got this from another profile:
THE MORSE CODE :
A DECIMAL POINT:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
Guide to sussing out fake friends from real friends (got it off someone's else profile!):
FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
FAKE FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
FAKE FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk back to the person who talks badly about you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
FAKE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Say 'sorry, they can't' when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
FAKE FRIENDS: Never see you cry.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will read this.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will help you move.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will ask you what's wrong after they noticed that you're not acting normally
THINGS I MUST NOT DO AT HOGWARTS:
I will NOT sing “We’re off to see The Wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.
Dobby is NOT Yoda is disguise.
I will NOT bring a magic-8-ball to Divination Class.
My homework was NOT to get eaten by a werewolf. Especially when my teacher is Professor Lupin.
I will NOT tell the first years to make a tree-house in the Whomping Willow.
I will NOT give Lupin a flea collar.
Nor will I leave dog-biscuits on his desk.
If a classmate falls asleep I will NOT take advantage of this and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
Starting a betting-pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky. It is NOT a clever money-making concept.
Shouting “To Infinity and Beyond!” was only funny the first time I took off on a broom.
I will NOT refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as “The Force”.
I will NOT greet Prof. McGonagall with “What’s new Pussy-cat?”.
I will NOT send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it.
"Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.
Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.
I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony."
No matter how funny it is I will NOT leave kitty litter in Prof. McGonagall’s office.
I will NOT dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween.
I will NOT ask Harry Potter if his “Scar-Senses” are tingling.
I will NOT call Dumbledore Santa Claus. Even if it is Christmas.
I will NOT tell Voldemort to “Get a life”.
Calling me Fake, won't make you Real.
Calling me Stupid, won't make you Smart.
Calling me Weak, won't make you Strong.
Calling me Ugly, won't make you Pretty.
Calling me Poor, won't make you Rich.
Calling me Fat, won't make you Skinny.
So why bother?
"When I was born I was black,"
"But you sir..."
The black man then sits back down and the white man walks away...
Copy this onto your profile and help stop racism!
Why Parents Drink
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mum' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my centre desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20 shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve wil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
1. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
2. We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather... not in a screaming panic like the passengers in his car.
4. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
5. Who ever said anything was possible never tried nailing jello to a tree.
7. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
8. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
9. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
10. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
11. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
13. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
14. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
15. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together
16. The road to hell is ordered by the righteous, planned by the well-meaning, and paved with their good intentions.
17. Always be who you are. Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter.
18. If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.
19. Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement.
20. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
21. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz
23. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
24. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
25. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
26. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
28. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
30. What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
31. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
32. Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them. -- Pam Davis, House M.D., It's A Wonderful Lie, 2008
33. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
34. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
36. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
37. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
38. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
41. That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.
42. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
43. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
45. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from
47. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
48. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
49. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
50. He who laughs last didn't get it.
51. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - Stephen Fry
52. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
53. Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
55. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
56. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen
57. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
58. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen
62. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
63. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen
64. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. - Woody Allen
65. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen
71. A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. - George Burns
75. Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. - G. K. Chesterton
76. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you
77. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. -- Golda Meir
78. When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
80. I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
81. There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
82. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
83. It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
87. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
88. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
89. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George Patton
92. We are the people our parents warned us about.
94. Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
95. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, i'll never be as good as a wall. - Mitch Hedberg
96. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright
98. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. - Anonymous
102. Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. - Dan Rather
103. If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? - Vince Lombardi
104. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled
108. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson
109. A friend helps you up when you fall, a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?"
110. A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain a best friend takes yours and say, "RUN, -BEEP- RUN!"
111. A friend wipes your tears when you’re rejected, a best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?"
112. A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, THAT WAS AWESOME , LETS DO IT AGAIN!!
113. "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the Universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a chair has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
114. "Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."
115. "You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder."
116. The diference between humor and tragedy is that humor is when it happens to someone else."
117. "Who ever said that words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary."
118. Don't let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
119. "The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "
120. "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. "
121. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
122. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
123. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.
124. A repair shop: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
125. An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough.
126. Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. - Unknown
127. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason
130. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -- Benjamin Disraeli
131. Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office. -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
132. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
135. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Handling Kids is Easy.
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
65 percent of teenagers would rather watch T.V. than read. If you are one of the 35 percent that would rather have their nose stuck in a book, copy this in your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you wish Meta Knight/Sword/Blade were real, copy and paste this into your profile.
eliforp ruoy otni siht etsap dna ypoc, sdrawkcab siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fI
If you say soda instead of pop, copy and past this to your profile
If you think Sword and Blade need way more attention in the anime because they are friggin awsome, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you've tripped over air, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this into your profile.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.
If you read your own stories or profile just for the heck of it,copy and paste this to your profile.
If you think too much swearing is unnecesary,copy and paste this to your profile
92 percent of American teens would die if Abecrombie and Fitch told them it's uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their butts of at the others.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you don't do drugs (They are nasty), copy/paste this into your profile.
If you like to write, copy/paste this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.
If sometimes your fanfics seem to write themselves, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
Just because we eat animals for food, doesn't mean we can cut them up for clothing! If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, ect, copy this onto your profile.
If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like to read what people put in their profiles, and you like Copy & Paste stuff, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
Pie are square? No! Pies are round. Cornbread are square.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile. (Hours, sometimes. That's not strange at all!)
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever scared someone off, copy and paste this into your profile. (One in real life and one on FF.net.)
If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear bating, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery etc.) then copy this into your profile!
If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile.
90% of teens today would die if Myspace had a system failure and was completely destroyed. If you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this to your profile
If you think it's dumb to ban songfics when we have two amendments supporting it (Freedom of Press, Freedom of free expresion), copy and paste this to your profile. ("Dumb" doesn't cover it.)
If one part of you is calm and the other part likes to stand on their head and sing theme songs, copy and paste this to your profile
If you're a fan of the The Penguins of Madagascar, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you're a fan of Skipper, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you have authors you respect, copy and paste this to your profile
If you or your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile! (ALL of my friends are insane, just like most of my family members...)
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.
If you are a crazed Meta Knight fangirl, copy and past- blah blah blah you know the rest (lol)
Type you name with your hands: LULABY1LOVE (okay...)
Type your name with your nose: LULABY1LOVE (AWESOME!!)
Type your name with your toes: LULABY1LOVE (I'm so proud!)
Type your name without looking: LULABY1LOVE (I closed my eyes, don't worry I didn't peek ;)
A Flame Poem-By Meta Knight LOVER
Don't you understand?
Meanwhile, the sweet young author,
Murder or Suicide:
The Strange Death of Ronald Opus
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated from. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger. He completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject' A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B'. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
So the case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now here comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
More copy & paste stuff...NOT MINE
I brake for... oh no! I don't have brakes.
Diet, Be Skinny, Die Anyway
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brain kept falling out.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Yadda Yadda de Blah Blah, and I am an alcoholic?
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." -Dr. Seuss
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man answers using the loud speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 model. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'Really? Go for it.'
WOMAN: 'Thank you honey.'
MAN: ' Make sure you get it with all the options!'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market.'
MAN: 'Well then, go ahead and give them an offer.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you!'
MAN: 'Bye, I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
THINGS TO PONDER
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
This is sooooo sad! It made me cry!!
Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school
You Know You're Living in 2012 When:
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years.
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or myspace.
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job...Or, your teachers don't even have the ability to do your homework.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.
A 15-year-old girl holds hands with her 2-year-old son. People call her a whore. No one knows she was raped at 13. People call a girl fat. No one knows she has a serious disease that causes her to be overweight. People call an old man ugly. No one knows he acquired a serious injury to his face while fighting for our country in the war. Repost this if you're against bullying and stereotyping.
I would like to conclude this profile with a couple inspirational quotes from anonymous people. Anonymous because I can't remember their names.
"Writing is easy. All you have to do is stare at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood form on you forehead."
"Inspiration is like a math lecture; it's slow, sometimes painful, and mentally exausting...but very necessary."
Well, that's about it. Read and Review! Flames will be used to roast yummy hot dogs over magical rainbow fires created with zombie unicorn lazer vision!
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