Author has written 4 stories for Maximum Ride, Witch & Wizard, Pearls Before Swine, Spy vs Spy, and Hunger Games.
I AM THEMOSTRANDOMPERSON0NEARTH! I am a fan of the Hunger Games and anything Mario.
If you've lost your marbles, and your sibling has tripped over them recently, copy and paste this into your profile.
98 percent of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.
If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped up the stairs, copy and paste this into your profile.
93 percent of teenagers would have an emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you are part of the 7 percent that would say "What was your first clue?” copy this onto your profile.
If you have ever walked into a wall, copy this onto your profile
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that stuff up in two seconds. That's why when I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you"
95% of the teenage population would be in a crisis if Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, the Jonas Brothers, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Selena Gomez were on top of a 5 story building. Copy and paste this into your profile if you're one of the 5% that would be screaming into a bullhorn, "JUMP!!!
Copy and paste this on your profile if you've wondered why something wasn't working until you realized that it wasn't plugged in
90 of teens today would die if Myspace had a system failure and was completely destroyed. If you are one of the 10 that would be laughing/hacked the site in the first place, copy and paste this to your Profile.
If you have ever accidentally stabbed yourself or someone else with a pencil, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy and paste this into your profile
If you want to live in San Diego someday, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are registered as a Republican, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you want to see the world someday, copy and paste this into your profile.
If several inanimate objects hate you post this on profile.
If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese?
Kid, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Whoever said "anything is possible" never tried to slam a revolving door.
Whoever said "words don't hurt" have obviously never had a hard-backed encyclopedia hurled at their head
Brothers are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on Ebay.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh harder.
The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a fast approaching train.
Taste the rainbow - Eat CRAYONS!
Please: Don't throw your cigarette butt's on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.
Really Dumb Store labels:
Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children
Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts
Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping
Candle: Warning: A burning candle is fire
Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking
McDonald's Coffee: Warning! Drink may be hot! (Oh, really?!)
Arm & Hammer Cat Litter: Safe to use around pets (OH, REALLY?!?!)
Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado
Matches: WARNING: Contents may catch fire
Toilet Plunger: Do not use near power lines
Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts
Korean Kitchen Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children
Windex: Do not spray in eyes
Matress: Do not attempt to swallow (BUT I NEED NOURISHMENT!)
Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping
Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regular soap
A sign on a Telephone pole: Do not post signs
Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness
Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required
Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Harry Potter toy broom: This broom does not actually fly
Bayer Aspirin: Do not take if allergic to aspirin
On earplugs: These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
On Nabisco Easy Cheese: For best results, remove cap
On a Maytag Air Conditioner: Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows
On a Life Saving Device: This is not a Life-Saving Device
On a Shark Vacuum Cleaner: 1. Do not use to pick up gasoline or flammable liquids 2. Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning.
Various Computers: Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue
Various Cameras: This camera will only work when film is inside.
On the Japanese Gamecube: Do not attempt to stick head inside deck, which may result in injury.
On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions: "Put on fork and eat." (...I thought you used a spoon...)
On a can of bug spray:“Harmful to bees”. (I thought I was harmful to ants)
On a TV remote control: “Not dish washer safe”. (So that's why it won't work anymore...)
A New Zealand insect spray "Not tested on animals." (Obviously.. you tested it on insects, duh!)
A Television Owner’s Manual "Do not pour liquids into your television set." (People really get payed for writing this??)
A cardboard sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard "Do not drive with sunshield in place." (Well, that explains a lot.)
A cartridge for a laser printer "Do not eat toner." (Awww... but it tastes good)
A computer mouse "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." (Where did they get that idea...)
A container of underarm deodorant "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." (Amazing.)
A dishwasher carries this warning "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." (Oh...Srry kids can't play in there anymore...)
A sharpening stone "Knives are sharp." (You don't say!)
A snowblower warns "Do not use snowthrower on roof." (And how exactly am I supposed to get a snowthrower on the roof?)
A baby stroller "Remove child before folding." (Oh. Better go get little Bobby out...)
A pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." (Darn.)
An electric router made for carpenters "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." (Shoot. There goes my quick fix to this cavity.)
A rock garden "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." (Ah.)
Wet-Nap: Tear open packet and use
A Fruit Roll-Up snack "Remove plastic before eating." (That's why it doesn't taste good...)
On a bag of Marshmallows: "Flammable" (Really? I thought they were fire resistant...oops...)
When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make a super lemon.
The cops never find it as funny as you do.
If you like filling your profile with 'copy this into your profile' thingys, then COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE!
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy and paste this into your profile
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
THE COUNTRY SIDE: When you rearrange the letters: NO CITY DUST HERE
THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION - RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
GEOLOGIST: When you rearrange the letters: GO GET OILS
MOTHER IN LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: When you rearrange the letters: I'LL MAKE A WISE PHRASE
CLINT EASTWOOD: When you rearrange the letters: OLD WEST ACTION
THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND: When you rearrange the letters: A THIN MAN RAN, MADE A LARGE STRIDE, LEFT PLANET, PINS FLAG ON MOON, ON TO MARS!
INTERNET ANAGRAM SERVER: When you rearrange the letters: I, REARRANGEMENT SERVANT
If you hate it when people write "If you _ then copy and paste this onto your profile." Then copy and Paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile.
If you are crazy and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Normal is just a setting on washing machines
If you like to make these "copy and paste this into your profile" things to annoy people then copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like to make these "copy and paste this into your profile" things because your bored then copy and paste this into your profile.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.
Isaac, if you're reading this, copy and paste it into your profile. (Yeah, that's me. This was off maandfangforever's profile. IRL friend)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling? Hit him with an axe.
What is the biggest lie in the universe? "I have read and agreed to the Terms of Service"
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
An Irishman, a gay man, a rabbi, a 12th grade teacher, Mario and your mom walk into a bar. What a fine example of human diversity.
Why did the fat man fall off the swing? He weighed 855 pounds, died of obesity and broke it.
A duck, a goose, a turkey and a bald eagle were all flying together. All four of them were shot and killed by drunk hunters with machine guns. They were promptly arrested by police authorities for shooting their national symbol. They were found guilty, and the other three birds were cooked for their last meals.
CHUCK NORRIS JOKES:
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Michigan is Chuck Norris's handprint.
Chuck Norris does not shave. His beard will cut through the steel blades.
The dinosaurs weren't killed by a meteor. Chuck Norris decided to go hunting.
"Who is Chuck Norris?" is an acceptable answer to all Jeopardy questions.
Chuck Norris can type 500 words a minute with boxing gloves on.
There is no "ctrl." button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Some kids pee their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris doesn't find these funny as they are all true.
WARNING: DO NOT WALK IN MY FOOTSTEPS; I walk into walls and off the occasional cliff.
I'LL POST MORE SOON!
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