If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
The world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER.
So what if we act like immature idiots? We’re having fun.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Sometimes there’s Justice. Sometimes there’s just us.
Do not annoy the dragon, for you are crunchy and are good with ketchup.
I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
I am a fruit-loop in a world full of Cheerios.
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.
I see regular people!
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Did you know Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity?
Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hate that.
Paper may beat rock, but cannon ball make big hole in paper.
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it’s gone.
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.
“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.”
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Friend's will always be like “well you deserve better” but best friends will be prank calling him saying “you will die in seven days”
Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil
Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that.
It doesnt matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.
I’m not paranoid… WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
Whose sick joke was it for the fear of long words to be called hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?
You know it’s going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
Mind over Matter... If you don't mind. It don't matter.
Never argue with an idiot... He'll just drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiousity was framed.
Kinda hard not to be a smartass when you're talking to dumbasses all the time.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
You look familiar. Have I threatened you before?
Huh. Sanity. What would I do with something as useless as that? Lucky for me I never had any such thing
Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied history are doomed to know its repeating.
No one leaves this world a virgin cause fate screws you over.
I'm only afraid of knives when you're holding them.
I'm too tired to tell the truth.
I'm up, I'm dressed, what more do you want?
Instant Human: just add coffee.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard; be evil.
Last night, as I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling?"
Merry Christmas to all, and to all shut the hell up.
I have ADD, Attention Def-OMG! It's a butterfly!
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
Of course violence isn't the answer. 'Violence' is the question and 'yes' is the answer
Tell me your sob story... I need a good laugh.
That which doesn't kill you... Will probably try again
I SWEAR TO DRUNK I AM NOT GOD!
I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.
The problem with reality is a lack of background music.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
As they say, never tickle a sleeping dragon, for you are small and crunchy.
93 percent of american teens would have an emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?" or "Your point being?" or "You just realized this now?"" Wow, you're even more stupid than you look." copy this to your profile
Calling me FAKE won't make you REAL,
Calling me STUPID won't make you SMART,
Calling me WEAK won't make you STRONG,
Calling me UGLY won't make you PRETTY,
Calling me POOR won't make you RICH,
Calling me FAT won’t make you PERFECT,
So why bother?
22 Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
33 things to do to keep your insanity intact
1) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.\
4) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
5) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"\
6) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
7) Bring a chair along.
8) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
9) When you get off the elevator, whisper to the others who stayed on, "I'd get off the elevator NOW if I were you."
10) Hum the "Mission Impossible" theme, speak into your lapel and say "Right, Jim".
11) Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.
12) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.
13) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
14) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
15) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
16) Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
17) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
18) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
19) Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
20) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
21) Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
23) Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
24) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
25) Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
26) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
27) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
28) Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
29) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
30) Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
31) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
32) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
33) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
15 Things to do when your in Walmart!
1) Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2) My mother taught me RELIGION.
3) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4) My mother taught me LOGIC.
5) My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6) My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7) My mother taught t me IRONY.
8)My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9) My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10) My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11) My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12) My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13) My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14) My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15) My mother taught me about ENVY.
16) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17) My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18) My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19) My mother taught me ESP.
20) My mother taught me HUMOR.
21) My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22) My mother taught me GENETICS.
23) My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24) My mother taught me WISDOM.
25) And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
26 THINGS I MUST NOT DO AT HOGWARTS AGAIN:
1. I will NOT sing “We’re off to see The Wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.
2. Dobby is NOT Yoda is disguise.
3. He is NOT Gollum either.
4. I will NOT bring a magic-8-ball to Divination Class.
5. My homework was NOT eaten by a werewolf. Especially when my teacher is Professor Lupin.
6. I will NOT tell the first years to make a tree-house in the Whomping Willow.
7. I will NOT give Lupin a flea collar.
8. Nor will I leave dog-biscuits on his desk.
9. If a classmate falls asleep I will NOT take advantage of this and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
10. Starting a betting-pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky. It is NOT a clever money-making concept.
11. I do NOT have a Dalek Patronus.
12. I will NOT teach House-Elves to impersonate Jar-Jar Binks.
13. Shouting “To Infinity and Beyond!” was only funny the first time I took off on a broom.
14. I will NOT refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as “The Force”.
15. “Springtime for Voldemort” is NOT an appropriate title for the school production.
16. I will NOT greet Prof. McGonagall with “What’s new Pussy-cat?”.
17. I will NOT send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it.
18. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.
19. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.
20. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony."
21. No matter how funny it is I will NOT leave kitty litter in Prof. McGonagall’s office.
22. I will NOT dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween.
23. I will NOT ask Harry Potter if his “Scar-Senses” are tingling.
24. I will NOT call Dumbledore Santa Claus. Even if it is Christmas.
25. I will NOT tell Voldemort to “Get a life”.
26.I will NOT tell Draco Malfoy to 'make like a ferret and bounce'
7 Reasons Not to Mess with Small Children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
FINE= the real definition:
This has got to be one of the most clever
When you rearrange the letters:
THE MORSE CODE :
ELECTION - RESULTS:
A DECIMAL POINT:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Man: Hey baby, what's your number?
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
You're a 90's kid if:
You can finish this 'ice ice _"
REMEMBER WHEN ..
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Tootie She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Tootie when she's drinking!'
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! on't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... .Did the Sheriff come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. (Baptists have more fun!)
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning wo uld be if it didn't zigzag?
21. If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of her nose?
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
NS TO JOIN THE DARK SIDE (If you wish to join add this list to your profile):
1. We have cookies (last I checked there was hot chocolate too)
2. Meet the recruitment bunny!
3. You get a cool dark cape that covers your whole body!
4. You get a really cool crazy laugh! Practice with me, people: MWA HAHAHAHA cough cough!
5. You get to walk out of shadows mysteriously and freak out the good guys!
6. One word: UNDERLINGS! Someone to get things for you when you're too lazy to do them yourself... Now that's the life!
7. Money, Money, Money : Ever notice that we are usually much richer than the good guys?
8. WORLD DOMINATION! BEST reason!TAKE MY SON (inspirational story)
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands..
He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son.. Who will bid for this picture?"
There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings.. Skip this one."
But the auctioneer persisted. "Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"
But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!"
The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over."
"What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.
The man who took the son gets everything!"
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE!
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, WITH THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and
so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the
empty and so is your head
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your ne! w bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These north Carolina, Kentucky, west Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, and Tennessee boys will dropped in to Iraq and have been given the fallowing facts about Terrorists:
The season opened today.
There are no limits.
They taste just like chicken.
They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes funny if you leave it out for too long. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!