If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
The world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER.
So what if we act like immature idiots? We’re having fun.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Sometimes there’s Justice. Sometimes there’s just us.
Do not annoy the dragon, for you are crunchy and are good with ketchup.
I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
I am a fruit-loop in a world full of Cheerios.
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.
I see regular people!
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Did you know Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity?
Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hate that.
Paper may beat rock, but cannon ball make big hole in paper.
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it’s gone.
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.
“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.”
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Friend's will always be like “well you deserve better” but best friends will be prank calling him saying “you will die in seven days”
Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil
Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that.
It doesnt matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.
I’m not paranoid… WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
Whose sick joke was it for the fear of long words to be called hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?
You know it’s going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
Mind over Matter... If you don't mind. It don't matter.
Never argue with an idiot... He'll just drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiousity was framed.
Kinda hard not to be a smartass when you're talking to dumbasses all the time.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
You look familiar. Have I threatened you before?
Huh. Sanity. What would I do with something as useless as that? Lucky for me I never had any such thing
Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied history are doomed to know its repeating.
No one leaves this world a virgin cause fate screws you over.
I'm only afraid of knives when you're holding them.
I'm too tired to tell the truth.
I'm up, I'm dressed, what more do you want?
Instant Human: just add coffee.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard; be evil.
Last night, as I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling?"
Merry Christmas to all, and to all shut the hell up.
I have ADD, Attention Def-OMG! It's a butterfly!
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
Of course violence isn't the answer. 'Violence' is the question and 'yes' is the answer
Tell me your sob story... I need a good laugh.
That which doesn't kill you... Will probably try again
I SWEAR TO DRUNK I AM NOT GOD!
I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.
The problem with reality is a lack of background music.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
As they say, never tickle a sleeping dragon, for you are small and crunchy.
93 percent of american teens would have an emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?" or "Your point being?" or "You just realized this now?"" Wow, you're even more stupid than you look." copy this to your profile
Calling me FAKE won't make you REAL,
Calling me STUPID won't make you SMART,
Calling me WEAK won't make you STRONG,
Calling me UGLY won't make you PRETTY,
Calling me POOR won't make you RICH,
Calling me FAT won’t make you PERFECT,
So why bother?
22 Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
33 things to do to keep your insanity intact
1) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.\
4) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
5) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"\
6) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
7) Bring a chair along.
8) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
9) When you get off the elevator, whisper to the others who stayed on, "I'd get off the elevator NOW if I were you."
10) Hum the "Mission Impossible" theme, speak into your lapel and say "Right, Jim".
11) Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.
12) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.
13) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
14) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
15) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
16) Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
17) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
18) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
19) Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
20) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
21) Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
23) Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
24) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
25) Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
26) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
27) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
28) Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
29) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
30) Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
31) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
32) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
33) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
15 Things to do when your in Walmart!
1) Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2) My mother taught me RELIGION.
3) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4) My mother taught me LOGIC.
5) My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6) My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7) My mother taught t me IRONY.
8)My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9) My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10) My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11) My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12) My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13) My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14) My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15) My mother taught me about ENVY.
16) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17) My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18) My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19) My mother taught me ESP.
20) My mother taught me HUMOR.
21) My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22) My mother taught me GENETICS.
23) My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24) My mother taught me WISDOM.
25) And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
26 THINGS I MUST NOT DO AT HOGWARTS AGAIN:
1. I will NOT sing “We’re off to see The Wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.
2. Dobby is NOT Yoda is disguise.
3. He is NOT Gollum either.
4. I will NOT bring a magic-8-ball to Divination Class.
5. My homework was NOT eaten by a werewolf. Especially when my teacher is Professor Lupin.
6. I will NOT tell the first years to make a tree-house in the Whomping Willow.
7. I will NOT give Lupin a flea collar.
8. Nor will I leave dog-biscuits on his desk.
9. If a classmate falls asleep I will NOT take advantage of this and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
10. Starting a betting-pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky. It is NOT a clever money-making concept.
11. I do NOT have a Dalek Patronus.
12. I will NOT teach House-Elves to impersonate Jar-Jar Binks.
13. Shouting “To Infinity and Beyond!” was only funny the first time I took off on a broom.
14. I will NOT refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as “The Force”.
15. “Springtime for Voldemort” is NOT an appropriate title for the school production.
16. I will NOT greet Prof. McGonagall with “What’s new Pussy-cat?”.
17. I will NOT send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it.
18. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.
19. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.
20. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony."
21. No matter how funny it is I will NOT leave kitty litter in Prof. McGonagall’s office.
22. I will NOT dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween.
23. I will NOT ask Harry Potter if his “Scar-Senses” are tingling.
24. I will NOT call Dumbledore Santa Claus. Even if it is Christmas.
25. I will NOT tell Voldemort to “Get a life”.
26.I will NOT tell Draco Malfoy to 'make like a ferret and bounce'
7 Reasons Not to Mess with Small Children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
FINE= the real definition:
This has got to be one of the most clever
When you rearrange the letters:
THE MORSE CODE :
ELECTION - RESULTS:
A DECIMAL POINT:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Man: Hey baby, what's your number?
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
You're a 90's kid if:
You can finish this 'ice ice _"
REMEMBER WHEN ..
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes funny if you leave it out for too long. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
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