four-nostril
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Joined 01-11-13, id: 4476216, Profile Updated: 09-05-13
Author has written 10 stories for StarTrek: The Original Series, and StarTrek: The Next Generation.

Hello there, reader.

I like my chapters short and my protagonist shorter. The talented artist Karl Johnsson (profile KalleJ) has done a spectacular job illustrating the stories. The pictures can also be seen on his blog in a larger and better format. It all started with Lily-Lee. I never really knew what she looked like before he gave her a face. A funny, uglycute face. Also at Deviantart.

I like to get my mistakes concerning TOS and TNG facts pointed out (I have replaced "replicator" with "food synthesizer"). Lily-Lee is my own creation and property, while any members of the Star Trek universe are, of course, not. This is just parody.

The first story I wrote (The Four-nostriled Creature) seems to be all over the place. First humor, then sex, drama, humor, as-you-know-bob, and more sex. I wrapped it up in chapter 9 and made an ending of it. Karl Johnsson's picture shows Lily-Lee nude, because she had not been issued a uniform yet.

Second story (Changing Horses) contains no sex but a bit more drama. Khan's reaction underscores that Lily-Lee is NOT an attractive heroine. Also toilet humor, very classy.

Third story (Scotty's Ferret) is mostly humor. It's full of dirty jokes and a description of a holodeck porn setting, but T-rated. I know TOS didn't have a holodeck. There were plans to have one in season three but they didn't have the budget. Hence the "prototype". Karl Johnsson had to borrow the black squares from the next generation.

Fourth story (Party time! Excellent!). Humor at first, but gets indecent in chapter four and five. If you know some old mythology, you may recognise chapter 3-4 as a parody of the story when Skade choose Njord as her husband. Writing a sequence of unfinshed thoughts to make up a sex scene is something I picked up from Dorothy Sayers. The title is from Waynes world, really highbrow. And did you spot the quote from Lesley Gore's pop hit, and Pete Seeger's?

Fifth story (Getting Medieval on Your Ape). My protagonist puts her clumsy feet down between Spock and Kirk and has to make amends. Adventure/humor with sex in it. Readers can keep playing "spot the quote", this time it's from Pulp fiction, Bugs Bunny and Scooby-Doo.

Sixth story (Captain Cook of the HMS Endeavour) is darker. I realised that the "primitive aboard the ship" is a very old and very sad story really. I had to face that. But hey, sex too! (The best part is that we get to see the trio in wigs.)

Seventh story (Stolen Memories and Black Market Marrowbone). Lily-Lee keeps bringing up the captain and Spock needs to get clean after he gets himself dirty. First two chapters were once a short story (Stolen Dirty Memory) but is now part a a larger thing. (Don't we all wish we could be?) The picture shows Spock wearing only his pants... in the text he doesn't even have that. Both KalleJ and I know that, but we agreed to keep it semi-decent. You creative perverts will just have to use your imagination.

Eighth story (They Have a Sniffer On Board?) This was intended to be a sentimental piece with tears and musings over the brevity of life. That didn't last long. Pretty soon it was full of dirty jokes and sillyness. Oh well, that's life, I suppose. After all, that is the moral of the story.

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The Commentary of TOS for KS by Brittany Diamond reviews
While going through every episode top to bottom, I'll be looking for evidence that supports K/S and also discussing the arguments against it. Serious about the argument, ridiculous about everything else. M for language. Yay 60s.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 48 - Words: 291,625 - Reviews: 3033 - Favs: 1,216 - Follows: 949 - Updated: 4/25/2018 - Published: 6/1/2009 - J. Kirk, Spock
Prehensile: An Alien Love Story by Pamdizzle reviews
Written for a friend based on an article from 'I f*cking Love Science.' Anyway, Spock's recent Pon Farr has definitely had lasting effects. The problem? He doesn't know how to mitigate them properly (no practice, and all) and so seeks out Jim's help. Jim is...flummoxed-at first. Slash. M rating definitely applies. Shameless Smut. Kirk/Spock Slash. R&R please.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,775 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 125 - Follows: 19 - Published: 6/1/2013 - J. Kirk, Spock - Complete
Homoerotic Homophones (Or The Day Jim Kirk Let it All Hang Out) by Aldora89 reviews
A little linguistic confusion goes a long way when the Enterprise runs into a 'penal colony.' Warning: Enough crack to kill a hippo.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,227 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 64 - Follows: 11 - Published: 11/11/2012 - J. Kirk, Spock
Do as You are Told by Linstock reviews
In which Nurse Chapel is irritated and Dr McCoy does what he is told. This was written in response to this prompt at stxihetkinkmeme, you know what to expect.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,166 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 12 - Published: 5/26/2012 - C. Chapel, L. McCoy - Complete
A Good Beating by witchybelle4u2 reviews
Kirk loves pitting his lovers against each other - but what happens when they team up against him? Rated M for sexual content.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,095 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 2 - Published: 4/8/2012 - L. McCoy, Spock - Complete
Spooning a PointedEared Being by T'Riva's Sarek Sanctum reviews
Kirk finds a pointed-eared being in his bed. Is it a dream or reality? This one isn't so deep, clever or complex. Sorry. But deeper, longer, more clever and complex ones are coming soon. McCoy also in story.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Suspense/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,725 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 5 - Published: 10/11/2011 - Sarek, J. Kirk - Complete
Life of the Party by Aldora89 reviews
Spock's reluctant visit to an alien club is made far more agreeable by the intervention of his captain. A double-dip fill for the kink meme: one prompt asked for K/S body shots, and the other requested dirty dancing.
Star Trek: 2009 - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,103 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 231 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 5/1/2011 - Published: 3/23/2011 - J. Kirk, Spock - Complete
Vicarious by Aldora89 reviews
At a Valentine's Day pity party, Spock has inhibitions that even alcohol can't break, much to a certain Captain's chagrin. Sometimes you need a little help from a friend. K/S, with a Mc sandwich.
Star Trek: 2009 - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,497 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 121 - Follows: 5 - Published: 2/12/2011 - J. Kirk, Spock - Complete
No, I do not mean the punctuation mark! by VickyFromGreece reviews
A small dialogue between Jim and Spock talking about slash fiction. Special guest star Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy. Written for TeaOli and the Writers Anonymous holiday gift exchange.
Star Trek: 2009 - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,179 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 10 - Published: 1/4/2011 - Spock, J. Kirk - Complete
Yesterday's Amok by Kerchan reviews
K/S. T'Pau found out that Jim didn't actually die on the sands of Vulcan during Spock's Pon Farr. And now she wants a rematch.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,701 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 137 - Follows: 11 - Published: 5/16/2010 - J. Kirk, Spock - Complete
Audio Only by tprillahfiction reviews
Cramped on a shuttlecraft, Dr. McCoy desperately needs a nap but can't relax enough to sleep. Perhaps he needs some...uh...help to calm down? explicit shuttlecraft sex, comm-link sex, dirty talk S/Mc K or K/S/Mc SLASH.
Star Trek: 2009 - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,381 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 98 - Follows: 5 - Published: 11/26/2009 - L. McCoy/Bones, Spock - Complete
Join the Dots by safirewoods reviews
Kirk/Spock. Spock and Kirk find themselves tied up. Kirk finds a way for them to entertain themselves. SLASH
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,586 - Reviews: 137 - Favs: 282 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 5/24/2009 - Published: 5/22/2009 - J. Kirk, Spock - Complete
Stardust by tprillahfiction reviews
McCoy plays 'Spin the Bottle' with four women. HET Male/female
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,109 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 1 - Published: 4/19/2009 - L. McCoy - Complete
Jeeves and the Starfleet Officers by M. O'Ribund reviews
Kirk and Uhura beam into 1920s London - Jeeves & Wooster's apartment. Jeeves has a cunning plan.
Crossover - StarTrek: The Original Series & Jeeves - Rated: K+ - English - Sci-Fi/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,190 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 1 - Published: 5/27/1999 - J. Kirk, Uhura, Bertram/Bertie W., Jeeves - Complete
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KS day 2014 - Feral in a Fertile Land
Spock gets the analytical part of his brain knocked out by a new Andorian weapon and starts to run wild like a feral creature. Written for Kirk/Spock day 2014 and Heatheerly, who spoke directly to my muse by saying there was too little feral Spock.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,709 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 9/12/2014 - Complete
Missing Male Cycads reviews
Botany professor Jim Kirk relaxes with a drink the evening before the big exam. Head gardener Scott gives him a call. Three vital objects are missing! And the titan arum is about to bloom! Definitely AU. (Present-day university)
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 6,772 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 5/16/2014 - Published: 4/9/2014 - [Spock, J. Kirk] M. Scott - Complete
They Have a Sniffer on Board? reviews
Old McCoy comes to inspect the medical facilities on the new Enterprise. Data informs him that they have a new chemical analyst in the crew. There is only one species fit for that job and McCoy hasn't seen one of those in decades. He shuffles off to find her. Cover art by KalleJ.
StarTrek: The Next Generation - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,832 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 9/3/2013 - Published: 8/29/2013 - Data, OC, J. Picard - Complete
Scotty's Ferret reviews
Scotty sends Lily-Lee down between the pergium sheets to fetch a wrench. But why won't she come back out? And how did McCoy end up going to the prototype of the holodeck to watch a porn simulation?
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,197 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 5/13/2013 - Published: 1/23/2013 - [L. McCoy, OC] M. Scott, Spock - Complete
Party time! Excellent! reviews
In the boring early morning, Uhura recieves a signal. It's a call from home for Lily-Lee. Is it a reason to celebrate? Watch out for serious M-rating in chapters 4 and 5. McCoy is good with his hands. Het.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 4,956 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 5/13/2013 - Published: 1/25/2013 - [J. Kirk, Spock] [L. McCoy, OC] - Complete
Getting Medieval on Your Ape reviews
Time to get in trouble on a new planet! But that planet is not new, that's the earth from way back. Kirk chained to the wall, with his pants down. Now who would do such a thing? K/S and Het.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 6,199 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 5/13/2013 - Published: 2/7/2013 - [J. Kirk, Spock] L. McCoy, OC - Complete
Changing Horses reviews
Kirk and Spock are running from Khan and his men. The hairy little creature in their crew gets angry and leaves them - for Khan!
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,587 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 5/13/2013 - Published: 1/21/2013 - Khan S., J. Kirk, Spock, OC - Complete
The Four-nostriled Creature reviews
The enterprise has picked up a primitive ape, in Spock's opinion. Gathered a valuable crewmember, in Kirk's opinion. Future chemical analyst or animalistic distraction? McCoy gets explicit (he uses the words "bulbourethral glands" in bed) so be warned. Het.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 9 - Words: 7,133 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 5/13/2013 - Published: 1/11/2013 - [L. McCoy, OC] J. Kirk, Spock - Complete
Captain James Cook of the HMS Endeavour reviews
McCoy gets cock-blocked by his own brain. A horrible thing happens during captain Cook's first voyage 1769 and McCoy dreams that he is the ship's surgeon. After that, things get physical again with Kirk's help. Oh, he's HAPPY to help.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 7 - Words: 6,142 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 5/13/2013 - Published: 3/2/2013 - [L. McCoy, OC] J. Kirk, Spock - Complete
Stolen Memories and Black Market Marrowbone reviews
Lily-Lee lets some words slip that gets Spock worked up about the captain. Emergency decontamination program alerts the bridge. The shuttle Galileo crashes into the sea and maroons three persons on dead man's chest. K/S... finally.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 9,365 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 5/13/2013 - Published: 4/2/2013 - [J. Kirk, Spock] [L. McCoy, OC] - Complete