Author has written 22 stories for RENT, Due South, NCIS, Strong Medicine, and Flashpoint.
"The whole point of fanfiction is that you get to play inside somebody else's universe. Rewrite the rules. Or bend them. The story doesn't have to end when Gemma Leslie gets tired of it. You can stay in this world, this world you love, as long as you want, as long as you keep thinking of new stories." - Cath Avery, Fangirl
Levi: There are different kinds of talent. Maybe your talent is in interpretation. Maybe you're a stylist.
Cath: And you think that counts?
Levi: Tim Burton didn't come up with Batman. Peter Jackson didn't write Lord of the Rings.
Follow me on Pinterest! renthead07.
Follow me on Twitter: wilddakotagirl.
Bibliophile. Horse addict. Animal lover. Musician. Shy. Disney lover. Potterhead. Virgo. Hugger. Grammar Nazi. Musical Theater nerd (I've seen RENT, Wicked, Jesus Christ Superstar, Hair, and Mamma Mia! live.) Fangirl (I don't do calm!) Potterhead (always!) Tribute. Initiate (My aptitude is Divergent, but I would choose Dauntless and probably be Erudite-born.) NCIS Special Agent. Constable. Rohirrim. Renthead. Ozian.
My favorite Flashpoint character is Spike. My favorite episodes are a 3-way tie between Attention Shoppers, Planets Aligned, and One Wrong Move. But I LOVE almost all of them!!
My favorite Grey's Anatomy episodes are Into Me Like a Train, Crash Into Me, Sweet Surrender, What a Difference a Day Makes, Sanctuary, and Death and All His Friends. My favorite doctors are George O'Malley, Miranda Bailey, Mark Sloane, Lexie Grey, Alex Karev, and Derek Shepherd. I like the others, too, just not as much.
I also enjoy NCIS and Law and Order: SVU. My favorite NCIS episodes are Yankee White, Hung Out to Dry, Bete Noire, See No Evil, Chained, The Meat Puzzle, SWAK, Twilight, Kill Ari (1 and 2), Mind Games, Silver War, Honor Code, Under Covers, Frame Up, Probie, Boxed In, Bait, Bloodbath, Hiatus (1 and 2), Witch Hunt, Twisted Sister, Driven, Dead Man Walking, Angel of Death, Bury Your Dead, Family, Leap of Faith, Chimera, Corporal Punishment, Dog Tags, About Face, Judgment Day (1 and 2), Agent Afloat, Heartland, Caged, Aliyah, Truth or Consequences, Power Down, Borderland, Spider and the Fly, and A Man Walks Into a Bar... My favorite characters are Abby, McGee, Gibbs, Ducky, Kate, and Tony (among others.)
My favorite SVU episodes are Competence, Swing, 911, Savant, Undercover, Wildlife, Manic, Home, Sick, Scavenger, Charisma, Crush, Zebras, Selfish, Authority, and Slaves. My favorite character is Munch. He's so hilarious!
I dare you to challenge me to Harry Potter trivia. You'll lose. Embarrassingly.
My kids someday will have paws and hooves.
Concerning My Stories:
My stories are mostly old... My Flashpoint stories, Remember Me, Breathe Me, and Blindsided, are new. Breathe Me, chapters 1 and 2, have recently been edited some, but the changes are very minor, so I filled y'all in, rather than making you reread. (You can if you want, I think you'll like the edits.)
I don't read or write slash. It's just not my thing. If I do write sex scenes, it's almost always het and PG-13 at the most.
Guest Reviews are enabled, so those of you who don’t have an account can still read and leave reviews. Constructive criticism is always appreciated.
Everything's Not Lost (Strong Medicine)- I'm probably never going to finish it. Since the fandom has dwindled to almost nothing (I miss the show dearly, it was great, but they only made 1 season into DVD!), I don't have high expectations for it, but I don't have the heart to take it down, because of the perfect ending I still have in my head, for in case I decide to finish it someday.
I have more on the way back burner, but no real desire to try and get inspiration and write them right now.
“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Carrie Bradshaw
"The things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, even if it's not the way we expect it to." Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix)
"It's not our abilities that who show us who we really are, it is our choices." Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)
"Merry Christmas, bitches!" Collins (Rent)
"There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself." -Anthony Rapp
"I stand upon my desk to remind myself to look at the world in a different way." Professor Keating (Dead Poets Society)
Jackson Gibbs: $20 bill in your wallet's just a piece of paper. You find it on the ground and suddenly, it's full of wonder.
Ziva David: Context can change a thing.
Jackson Gibbs: That it can.
RIP Ralph Waite, 1928-2014. Papa Gibbs. Bye, Jackson. We Love You!!
Doctors have to understand that women are not just small men. (Dr. Emerson, Strong Medicine)
Curses! I would grab the wrong umbrella! (Penguin, "Batman: The Animated Series, 'Almost Got 'Em')
Why do they always insist on announcing dinner like a damn cavalry charge? (Molly Brown, Titanic)
Sometimes it is the people that no one imagines anything of who do the things no one can imagine. (Christopher Morcom, The Imitation Game)
Genie: (to Carpet) So move.
Magic Carpet: (moves his chess piece violently)
Genie: That was a good move. (Chokes himself and looks aside.) I can't believe it! I'm losing to a RUG!
Genie: Never fails! You get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp!
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.
(The Lion King)
Pocahontas: You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you. But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you’ll learn things you never knew you never knew.
Grandmother Willow: Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.
Grandmother Willow: Listen with your heart. You will understand.
Jerry: Good morning, ladies. I trust you found the tram ride enjoyable.
Clover: Oh, *yeah*! My eyeballs needed a good blow-dry!
(Totally Spies, "Wild Style")
Alex (while Clover is stuck in the WOOHP tunnel, after learning she is a large hat size): Maybe her giant head is stuck.
Clover: I heard that!! (Shrieks as she unsticks herself and crashes onto the landing pad.)
(Totally Spies, "Passion Patties")
Clover: You wouldn't have a blow-dryer in your back pocket, would you, Jer?
Jerry: Sorry, only WOOHP terrycloth beach towels. You can take one home as a souvenir after your mission. (Clover tosses one to Alex and Sam and Alex whip-wraps it around her head. Jerry is impressed.) You'll have to teach me that sometime.
Alex: Sure thing. Right after you get something to wrap. (Clover and Sam laugh.)
(Totally Spies, "Man or Machine")
Jerry: Two days ago, a Canadian news team disappeared while investigating a remote mountain region near Saskatchewan.
Jerry: Saskatchewan. It's a place. Like the mall?
Sam: What could have done this?
Alex: Maybe we trespassed on the home of a grumpy bunch of squirrels.
Clover: I know that perfume. (Gasps) It's gasoline!
(Totally Spies, "Nature Nightmare")
(Clover, Sam, and Alex are hanging out with David at the resort. Sam and David are reading a book. Clover is playing a game on a device. Alex is wiping down her snowboard. Todd comes inside, breathless.)
Todd: Uh- that girl- uh- Mandy?- was just like- kidnapped!
Clover, Alex, Sam: (punch fists in the air) Yay!
(Totally Spies, "Ski Trip")
Troad: Well, whoopee! Looks like I've got some spies to smoosh!
(Totally Spies, "Fashion Faux Pa")
Ed: Officer Wordsworth, what do I- what do I tell the parents?
Wordy: Tell them- tell them to remember their Gilbert and Sullivan? (Starts to sing, Ed joins in) "When constabulary duties to be done,
Wordy: "To be done...
Both: "A policeman's job is not a happy one!
Wordy: "Happy one!"
(They both salute her as they walk to the car. Sophie "okays," shuts the door, Ed and Wordy high-five, and walk, laughing, to the car.)
Jules: Every day is Jules Day.
Lew: You gotta be wasted to take seven like that, right?
Spike: I could take seven.
Wordy: Seven what?
Spike: I could take seven tasers.
Wordy: You could not take seven tasers.
Sam: Why don't you just Tase his ass?
Ed: Muscle spasm- he'll pull the trigger.
Sam: So we go in hard tactical.
Ed: Yeah, I was just getting to that. Look, something I need you to do. All right, see these stairs here? That's where we came in, right? Need you to make a reverse entry. Go across this hallway, these doors here. I need you to go through them. Now, be careful, because that is a big road. I want you to cross it. I want you to make an entry into this Timmy's. I'll have a double-double. Jules.
Jules: Cream, no sugar.
Spike: No, I'm good.
Sam: You serious?
(Ed doesn't move, then Sam sighs and gets up and leaves.)
Jules (under her breath): You went all coffee shop on his ass?
(Ed chuckles and grins.)
Spike: Three teenage girls, four teenage girls, three girls and a boy, could be seven orangutans.
Greg: How about a little less information and a little more intelligence?
Jules: You know, I've never seen somebody who's ready to die put up such an awesome fight to stay alive.
(Flashpoint, "Attention Shoppers")
Ed: You taught me everything I know. You made me who I am, Danny. You can't- you can't tell me that this is how it ends.
(Flashpoint, "Haunting the Barn")
Greg: You know what? We all have our weak spots. Could be anything... flying... (looks at Ed)... cats...
Ed: It was one cat! It was mean!
Spike (nodding): I was there. It was mean!
(Flashpoint, "Clean Hands")
Spike: What are you talking about, "this big"? (Holds his fingers a few inches apart) What is that supposed to be? That's not even a letter opener. What are you doing that? You know, you shouldn't that to a guy, ever.
(Flashpoint, "Aisle 13")
Spike: Yeah, buddy? Lou?
Lou: It's gonna be okay.
(Flashpoint, "One Wrong Move")
Ed: This is an MP-5 submachine gun. Fires 800 rounds per minute, 400 meters per second. So unless you want a demonstration, I suggest you put the gun down and we can talk about this.
(Flashpoint, "The Farm")
Jules (to Greg Parker): She's not the only one who needs you.
(Flashpoint, "You Think You Know Someone")
Dr. Toth (word associating): Freedom?
Spike: Feminine supplies. (Grins at Greg Parker, who smirks.)
Dominic Scarlatti: Every day, this is my life, waiting for the phone to ring, the officer at the door. You bring this in our house.
Spike: Pa, I don't think now is the time, okay?
Michelina Scarlatti: Sit down, a-please.
Dominic Scarlatti: Every day, you go out there and you play the hero.
Spike: "Play"? What, you think this is a game?
Dominic Scarlatti: Today, your friend does. Tomorrow, my son dies.
Spike: One day, we all die, okay?! (Dominic scoffs and leaves the table, Spike yells) At least you try to make it mean something!
Spike (yells): Pa!
(Spike throws the wine bottle against the wall, and it smashes. Michelina screams.)
(Flashpoint, "Fault Lines")
Greg: I walked away from my team, Ed. I walked away from you and I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Ed: Buddy, do the math on this. How many times have you been there for me? I have nothing but respect for you, Greg, and you never have to apologize to me for anything.
Greg: I've got no words for you, my friend. I've got no words for you. No words to describe what you've done for me and who you are to me.
Ed: Okay, so what's the deal here? What's your decision? Whatever it is, it's okay. (Greg holds up some papers.) What's that, your suspension papers?
Greg: Yeah. Here, you do it.
Ed: What're you saying?
Greg (smiles): Let's keep the peace!
(Flashpoint, "Slow Burn")
Ed: Hey, you remember a couple years ago when I had to shoot Goran Tomasic? And you said to me, "Buddy, you might wanna do the math on all the 'I'm fine's? I never said thank you.
Greg: You're more than fine, buddy. You're more than fine.
Ed: Guys, to, uh... to absent friends. To Donna and Lew. Team One.
(Flashpoint, "Keep the Peace, Part 2")
RIP, Lewis Young and Donna Sabine
Forever In Our Hearts
Keep the Peace!
Fraser: Excuse me, I'm looking for a Detective... Armani?
Ray: Okay, who let the mountie into the holding cell?
Fraser: She shot my hat, Ray.
Ray: She shot you in the hat?
Fraser: I can feel air coming in through the hole.
Ray: You shot you in the hat all right.
Fraser: How's it look?
Ray: Doesn't look good.
Fraser: We'll hafta go home and get my other one.
Ray: We can do that, Fraser.
Fraser: Thanks, Ray.
(Due South, "Free Willie")
Ray: Oh! No! You're tasting things again?! Ah! That is the grossest thing that I have ever seen!
Ray: I've never been so humiliated in my entire life. I'm in a canoe with two wounded mounties and I'm being humiliated by rats!
Ray: Hello, Ms. Broccoli... Ma! What are you doing, calling me on my private line?!
Ray: Why am I covered in crud and you look like you just got back from a hand laundry?
Ray: What is it?
Ray: Those were on me?!
(Ray squeals and jumps out of the dumpster. Fraser climbs up the dumpster and looks down over it.)
Ray (in the shower): These things wash off, right?
Fraser: Parasites? Yes, of course. Although, there's always the chance that they laid eggs.
Ray: More soap! Give me more soap!
Ray: I am naked in here! Does that mean anything to anybody?
(Due South, "They Eat Horses, Don't They?")
Fraser: You are under!-
(Janice points a gun at him)
Fraser: Oh dear!
(Fraser ducks as Janice shoots six times)
(Due South, "Chicago Holiday, Part 2")
Fraser: Well, that's just silly, Ray.
Fraser: I sharpened my buckle.
Ray: You anticipated cutting your way out of a rubber room?!
(Due South, "A Hawk and a Handsaw")
Ray: I don't wanna be nothing anymore, Fraser! It's hard on my socks!
(Due South, "The Man Who Knew Too Little")
Fraser: We're going now. We're leaving. We will not return!
(Dief runs out, even though he's supposed to be deaf, and loads onto the plane.)
Ray: Yes, how far do you think you're gonna get with that gash on your head?
Fraser: Oh, Ray, head wounds always look worse than they actually are. Can you give me a reading?
Ray: Ah, it's your compass. You read it.
Fraser: I can't.
Ray: Well, neither can I.
Fraser: Well, you'll have to.
Fraser: I'm blind.
Ray (does that wide-eyed look): You're blind?
Ray: You're-you're really, really blind?
Fraser: As a bat.
Ray: Well, uh, I see, uh, trees.
Fraser: Good. Describe them.
Ray: Green, mostly.
Ray: Fraser, look out!
Fraser: Oh. (Ducks)
(Due South, "North")
Fraser: Sergeant Frobisher! Before you continue, may I have a word with you?
Frobisher: Friend or foe?
Fraser: A friend, I assure you!
Frobisher: Where are you?
Fraser: I'm right here, sir!
Frobisher: In the sink?
Fraser: Uh, uh, no, sir. To the rear!
(Frobisher turns and finds Benton's face underneath the hole of the toilet.)
Frobisher: Great Scott, Benton?!
Fraser: I'm relieved to see you're alright, sir.
Frobisher: That's a matter of opinion. What are you doing in my toilet?
Fraser: Well, I've come to debrief you, sir.
Frobisher: Something wrong with the door?
Fraser: We have a problem, sir. I believe that the men have all been gassed.
Frobisher: Oh my God.
Fraser: Yes. And furthermore, it's my belief that this train is no longer under our control.
Frobisher: Worse than I thought.
Fraser: Yes, sir. And I thought it prudent to inform you.
Frobisher: Inform me? I've been living with it for a week!
Robert Fraser: Well, I'm dead! It affects your memory!
Fraser (to Thatcher): Red suits you.
(Due South, "All The Queen's Horses")
Thatcher (using semaphore): Moron.
Ray: What did she say?
Fraser: She called me a moron.
Ray: She's a very perceptive woman.
Ray: Oh, did they say bonds? I thought they said bombs!
Fraser (to Diefenbaker): This kinda remind you of a bear trap?
Thatcher (using semaphore): You have duties, Constable.
Fraser (responding in semaphore): Understood.
Fraser (semaphore): Red suits you.
(Inspector Thatcher smiles from below.)
(Due South, "Red, White, or Blue")
Fraser: Can you throw?
Thatcher: One-point-three ERA over 30 games.
Fraser: That's very good. Hit the red button.
Fraser: Well, I'm sorry. It's just I was so pleasantly surprised to see you, that I-
Ray: - said something completely stupid?
Ray: What are you grinning about?
Fraser: I knew you two would hit it off. (Pats both Rays on the backs)
Fraser: Francesca. I've been thinking about what you said about our, uh, and I, uh, I know I don't often say, um, I mean, I'm not particularly skilled at expressing...
Kowalski (grumbles): Frannie, he likes you.
Frannie: I know.
Fraser: I'm glad.
(Due South, "Call of the Wild, Part 1")
Bob Fraser: Why do villains have such hard heads?
Fraser: Ray, look, turtles!
(Kowalski yells as Fraser pushes him out of the plane, then follows. They both plummet into a massive snowbank)
Fraser: Ray? You alright?
Kowalski: I'm under 30 feet of snow. How could that be alright?
Fraser: Well, you're alive. Start digging.
Kowalski: Look, we're 100 miles from nowhere, on a frozen wasteland, and you're grinning like an idiot.
Fraser: I'm home.
Bob Fraser (punches Muldoon in the face): I don't know why anyone ever does that. Lord, that hurts.
(Due South, "Call of the Wild, Part 2")
Sherlock: Shut up!
Lestrade: I didn't say anything.
Sherlock: You were thinking. It's annoying.
Sherlock: I'm in shock! Look, I've got a blanket!
(Sherlock, "A Study in Pink")
John: Yeah, I didn't get the shopping.
Sherlock: What? Why not?
John: Because I had a row, in the shop, with the chip and pin machine.
Sherlock: Y...you had a row with a machine?
John: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse.
John: No, I'm Sherlock Holmes, and I always work alone, because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!
(Sherlock starts spinning John in a circle)
John: Sherlock, what are you-
Sherlock: Shh! John, concentrate! I need you to concentrate! Close your eyes!
John: What? Why? Why? What are you doing?
Sherlock: I need you to maximize your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it?
Sherlock: Can you remember it?
John: Yes, definitely.
Sherlock: Can you remember the pattern?
Sherlock: How much can you remember it?
John: Well, don't worry...
Sherlock: Because the average human memory on visual matters is only 62% accurate.
John: Yeah, well, don't worry, I remember all of it.
John: Yeah, well, at least I would, if I could get to my pockets. Took a photograph.
Sherlock: How would you describe me, John? Resourceful? Dynamic? Enigmatic?
John (tetchily): Late?
(Sherlock, "The Blind Banker")
(Sherlock shoots a smiley face on the wall four times)
John (coming up the stairs with his fingers in his ears): What the HELL are you doing?
Sherlock (mutters): Bored.
Sherlock (louder): Bored!
John: No... (Gunshot)
Sherlock: Bored! (Gunshot)
Sherlock: I don't know what's gotten into the criminal classes. It's a good job I'm not one of them.
John: So you take it out on the wall?
Sherlock: The wall had it coming.
Sherlock (softly): The curtain rises.
(Sherlock, "The Great Game")
John: There is a mute button and I will use it.
(Mycroft steps on Sherlock's robe and it falls off him, nearly revealing him. He manages to pull it over his rear before it fully does.)
Mycroft: This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!
Sherlock: Get off my sheet!
Mycroft: Or what?
Sherlock: Or I'll just walk away.
Mycroft: I'll let you.
Mycroft: I'll be Mother.
Sherlock: And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.
Sherlock: Punch me in the face.
John: Punch you?
Sherlock: Yes, punch me. In the face. Didn't you hear me?
John: I always hear "Punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually sub-text.
Sherlock: Oh, for God's sakes.
(Sherlock punches John in the face. John punches him back, then grabs him in a stranglehold.)
Sherlock: Okay, I think we're done now, John.
John: I think you ought to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier! I killed people!
Sherlock: You were a doctor!
John: I had bad days!
Sherlock: Noises are important. Noises can tell you everything. For instance... (Out in the hallway, John has set off the smoke alarm by setting a magazine on fire enough to seriously smoke. Irene and Sherlock look toward the noise, as John waves and blows on the magazine. Then Irene looks toward the mirror. A moment later, so does Sherlock.) Thank you. On hearing a smoke alarm, a mother would look towards her child. Amazing how fire exposes our priorities. (Sherlock walks over to the mirror, feels around for a moment, then it clicks and lifts open hydraulically. Sherlock turns and looks at Irene, who stands.) Really hope you don't have a baby in here.
Sherlock: Vatican cameos!
John: We should call the police.
Sherlock: Yes. (Fires five shots in the air outside the building. Tires screech.) On their way.(Sherlock, "A Scandal In Belgravia")
Sherlock (holding up the cap and twisting it back and forth): Why's it got two fronts?
John: It's a deer stalker.
Sherlock (makes to throw it like a frisbee): Is it some sort of death frisbee?
Sherlock: It's got flaps. It's got two flaps. It's an ear hat, John!
Sherlock: I may be on the side of the angels, but don't think for one second that I am one of them.
John: You told me once that you weren't a hero... um... there were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this... You were the best man and the most human... human being that I've ever known, and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie. That's so. There. (John walks over to the headstone and places his hand on it.) I was so alone and I owe you so much. (John turns and starts to walk away, then turns back around.) Now, please, there's just one more thing, one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don't be... dead. (Voice breaking) Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this. (John sighs and starts to cry. He covers his face, lets out a sob, then walks away from the grave. The camera pans away to reveal Sherlock watching John silently from a distance.)
(Sherlock, "The Reichenbach Fall")
Sherlock: Well, the short version... not. dead. Bit mean, springing it on you like that. Could have given you a heart attack, probably still will. But in my defense, it was very funny. (John glares) Okay, it's not a great defense.
Mary Morsten: Oh no, you're...
Sherlock: Oh yes.
Mary Morsten: Oh my God!
Sherlock: No, not quite.
Mary Morsten: You died. You jumped off a roof.
Mary Morsten: You're dead.
Sherlock: No, I'm quite sure. I checked.
(Lestrade is in an alleyway, out for a smoke break. He pulls out his cigarette and lighter and flicks the lighter on. From the darkness...)
Sherlock: Those things will kill you.
(Lestrade freezes.) Lestrade: Oh, you bastard!
(Sherlock appears out of the darkness and Lestrade turns to look at him.)
Sherlock (smiling): It's time to come back. You've been letting things slide, Graham.
(Lestrade stares at Sherlock for a long moment, then suddenly inhales a breath and pulls him into a big bear hug. Sherlock, groaning in pain, accepts it.)
John (applying shaving cream): I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes.
Mary Morstan: You should put that on a T-shirt.
John: Shut up.
Mary Morstan: Or what?
John: Or I'll marry you.
(Mary grins and continues reading John's blog.)
(Mycroft is playing Operation with Sherlock, because Sherlock thinks he's lonely. Mycroft touches the edge of the board's heart and it buzzes.)
Mycroft: Oh, bugger!
Sherlock: Oopsy. Can't handle a broken heart. How very telling.
Mycroft: If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, imagine what other people are like. I'm living in a world of goldfish.
Sherlock: Yes, but I've been away for two years.
Sherlock: Oh, I don't know. I thought perhaps you might have found yourself a... goldfish.
Sherlock: Let's do deductions. Client left this while I was out, what do you reckon?
(Sherlock tosses an old stocking cap to Mycroft in slow-motion.)
Mycroft: I'm busy.
Sherlock: Oh, go on. It's been an age.
Mycroft (sniffs the hat): I always win.
Sherlock: Which is why you can't resist.
Mycroft: I find nothing irresistible in the hat of a well-traveled, anxious, sentimental, unfit creature of habit with appalling halitosis... (Realizes he's been had) Damn!
Sherlock: I've got lots of coats.
Anderson: And... your homeless network.
Sherlock: As I explained, the whole street was closed off. Like a scene from a play. Neat, don't you think?
John: When you were dead, I went to your grave.
Sherlock: I should hope so.
John: I made a little speech. I actually spoke to you.
Sherlock: I know. I was there.
John: I asked you for one more miracle. I asked you to stop being dead.
Sherlock: I heard you.
(Sherlock, "The Empty Hearse")
Sherlock: Today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.
Sherlock (drunk): Ah, Hudders...
Lestrade (yells): Wakey wakey!
John (softly): Oh my God. Greg? Is that Greg?
Lestrade: Get up. I'm going to put you two in a taxi. Managed to square things with the desk sergeant. (Chuckles) What a couple of lightweights! You couldn't even make it to closing time!
John (softly): Can you whisper?
Lestrade (yells): NOT REALLY!
(Sherlock, who is still passed out, startles awake. John walks past Lestrade and Sherlock uses his mind palace to remember how to stand up again, then follows them out of the cell.)
Sherlock (to an imaginative Irene Adler, as he's trying to figure out who is going to be murdered at John's wedding): Get out of my head, I'm busy!
Sherlock, "The Sign of Three")
Bill Wiggins: You broke my arm!
John: Nope, I sprained it.
Bill Wiggins: It feels squishy. Is it supposed to feel squishy? Feel there! (Extends arm to John)
John: Yeah, it's a sprain. I'm a doctor. I know how to sprain people. Now where is Isaac Whitney?
Bill Wiggins? I don't know. Maybe upstairs?
John (pats Billy on the leg): There you go. Wasn't that easy?
Bill Wiggins: No, it was really sore. Mental you are.
John: Nope, just used to a better class of criminal.
Sherlock (angrily, as he punches a door clean off its hinges): For God's sakes, John! I'm on a case!
John (following him down the fire escape): A month - that's all it took. One. (Halfway down, Sherlock vaults over the side of the fire escape and onto a wall beside it.)
Sherlock: I'm working.
(He jumps down onto the top of a wheelie bin beside the wall and then down onto another one laying on its side before stepping to the ground. John follows.)
John: Sherlock Holmes in a drug den! How's that gonna look?
Sherlock: I'm undercover.
John: No, you're not!
Sherlock (gesticulating angrily): Well, I'm not NOW!
John: We should call the police!
Sherlock: During our own burglary? You're really not a natural at this, are you?
Sherlock: Hello, Redbeard. Here, boy. Come on!
(He leans down and pats the top of his legs repeatedly, smiling at his dog. The dog sits up.)
Sherlock: Come to me. It’s okay. It’s all right.
(The dog starts to trot along the corridor towards him; and now Sherlock is his younger self again, patting his legs and calling to his dog.)
Young Sherlock: Come on! It’s me! It’s me, come on!
(The dog breaks into a run, barking as he continues onwards. Adult Sherlock is now squatting in the middle of the corridor, smiling with delight and still patting his legs encouragingly as the dog runs towards him.)
Sherlock: Come on!
Young Sherlock: Good boy! Clever boy!
(The barking dog reaches the boy, who kneels down smiling happily and starts stroking his head and ears. The dog has also reached the adult Sherlock and is licking his face while Sherlock strokes his head and ears.)
Sherlock: Hello, Redbeard. They’re putting me down too, now. It’s no fun, is it?
(He slumps down onto his backside, looking weak and disorientated.)
Sherlock (weakly): Redbeard...
(The dog barks, and Sherlock falls backwards to the floor in slow motion.)
John: How did she save your life?
Sherlock: She phoned the ambulance.
John: I phoned the ambulance.
Sherlock: She phoned first.
(Flashback: Mary viciously pistol-whips Magnusson across the face, then bends to pick up his phone from the floor. As she straightens, she types in a number, not even looking at it. The number comes up on our screen in red:
Operator (over phone): Emergency. Which service do you require?
(Approaching sirens can be heard)
Sherlock (in 221B in the present, looking at John): You didn't find me for another five minutes. Left to you, I would have died. The average arrival time for a London ambulance is...
(He lifts his left hand and looks at his watch as the clatter of feet can be heard on the stairs. Two paramedics run into the room.)
Paramedic: Did somebody call an ambulance?
(John stands up, looking at them in confusion.)
Sherlock: ... eight minutes. Did you bring any morphine? I asked on the phone.
Paramedic (looking puzzled): We were told there was a shooting.
Sherlock: There was, last week...
(He is now holding his left wrist with his right hand, his fingers on his pulse point. He takes a sharp breath.)
Sherlock: ... but I believe I'm bleeding internally and my pulse is very erratic.
(He puts his hands on the arms of the chair and starts to push himself upwards.)
Sherlock: You may need to restart my heart on the way.
(His voice and body jolts on the word 'heart' and his knees buckle. John and Mary hurry forward and each of them takes hold of an upper arm to support him. The paramedics run toward them.)
John: Come on, Sherlock. Come on, Sherlock.
(Sherlock groans and grabs at him, clinging to his shoulder. Mary steps back out of the way of the paramedics.)
(The paramedics put their bags down on the floor near him and take hold of him, supporting his weight, but he ignores them and stares intensely at his friend.)
Sherlock: John - Magnussen is all that matters now. You can trust Mary. She saved my life.
John (quietly): She shot you.
(Sherlock pulls a face, half-nodding his agreement.)
Sherlock: Er, mixed messages, I grant you.
(He grimaces, crying out in pain, and starts to fall. John and the paramedics start to lower him to the floor.)
John: Sherlock? Sherlock? (To the paramedics) All right, take him. (Sherlock cries out again. John releases him, watching the paramedics.)
John: Got him?
(They lay Sherlock down as he groans and whimpers. John straightens and looks down in concern as one of the paramedics gets out an oxygen mask. While they continue working, John looks across to Mary, breathing heavily and with his teeth slightly bared.)
Mrs. Holmes: Are you two smoking?
Mycroft (spins around): No!
Sherlock (spins around): It was Mycroft!
Mycroft: Also... your loss would break my heart.
(Sherlock had just started to take a drag on his cigarette and now he chokes and coughs before turning to look at his brother, who still hasn’t turned around.)
Sherlock: What the hell am I supposed to say to that?!
Mycroft (turning round and holding out his arms a little): “Merry Christmas”?
Sherlock: You hate Christmas.
Mycroft (pretending to look puzzled): Yes. (He smiles a little.) Perhaps there was something in the punch.
Sherlock (deadpan): Clearly. Go and have some more.
(Mycroft turns and goes up the steps, opening the door. Sherlock turns away.)
Mary Morstan: But he's dead. You told me he was dead. Moriarty.
John: Absolutely. Blew his own brains out.
Mary Morstan: So how can he be back?
John: Well, if he is, he'd better wrap up warm... There's an east wind coming.
(Sherlock, "The Last Vow")
Elliot Stabler (staring at the place where a body has been found, covered in flowers and such): Just once, I want to see people take a little bit of a breather before they let the healing begin. Look at this. 'Enrolled in God's College. We love you, Jeanne.'
Olivia Benson: Come on, Elliot. It's a spontaneous outpouring of emotion.
Elliot Stabler: I'm just saying, If ever go down, you better make sure the place where my body is found doesn't EVER look like this or I will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Olivia Benson: Noted.
(Law and Order: SVU, "Sophomore Jinx")
Brian Cassidy: Ever think about having kids?
John Munch: Why, when I have you?
Brian Cassidy: So why didn't you ever have kids? Didn't want the responsibility?
John Munch: I wouldn't want to give a kid the responsibility of me.
(Law and Order: SVU, "Uncivilized")
Brian Cassidy (Munch has just pointed out to Cassidy how hard it might be for the Canadian police to find their suspect): Sure, rain on my parade.
John Munch: I don't want to just rain on it, I wanna blow up all the floats.
(Law and Order: SVU, "Stalked")
John Munch: Detective Tutuola! Come and pollute your soul with some child porn, my friend!
(Law and Order: SVU, "911")
John Munch: The kindest thing I could ever do for a child is not adopt.
(Law and Order: SVU, "Stolen." Word, my friend. Word.)
Pregnant Woman (to Fin and Chester): Has the doctor told you if it's a boy or a girl?
Fin Tutuola (puzzled): Excuse me?
Pregnant Woman: It's so hard for gay couples to adopt. A surrogate's really your only option. I don't get why they think it's better to leave kids in the system than send them to a gay home. You seem like a nice couple to me.
(Chester looks at Fin, grins, and, trying not to laugh, claps him on the thigh in what looks to the pregnant lady like an affectionate gesture. Fin gives him a stink eye.)
(Law and Order: SVU, "Savant")
Fin Tutuola: You have the right to an attorney, and if you throw up in my car, I'll kill ya!
(Law and Order: SVU, "Justice")
Preacher: When God makes you pregnant, stay pregnant. When God makes you barren, stay barren.
Elliott Stabler: When God gives you a uterus, maybe we'll listen to your sermon.
(Law and Order: SVU, "Mask")
Olivia Benson: It's still incest.
Elliott Stabler: Twincest.
(Law and Order: SVU, "Bombshell")
(Phone rings from within the body bag in the FBI’s car. Fornell and the other agent looks back at the bag.)
Tony (in the body bag): Hello?
Gibbs: We’re in the clear. You can get out of the body bag.
(The car’s tires squeal as Fornell slams on the brakes.)
Tony: I never thought I’d say this, but I’m not sure I want to.
Gibbs: What? You gotta search Commander Trapp’s apartment tonight.
Tony: Oh, Gibbs, come on, it’s 1 a.m.
Gibbs: Agent Axlerod is trailing you to pick up the body bag when the FBI tosses it.
Tony: That’s funny, Gibbs, real funny, especially since— Ow! Ow!
Gibbs (deadpan, hangs up): I guess they found him.
Abby: There’s a futon by the cabinet over there.
Tony: Oh, bless you.
Abby: What are you, my priest?
Tony: Curse you? (Abby chuckles.)
(NCIS, “Yankee White”)
Kate: How did you get into NCIS?
Tony: I smiled.
(NCIS, “Hung Out to Dry”)
(Kate moves to sit in her chair and jumps up with a shriek. McGee is under her desk.)
McGee: Uh... morning, Agent Todd.
Kate: You have two seconds to tell me what you’re doing down there.
McGee: Uh, I, uh, I’m upgrading the computer network, and, uh...
Kate: Time’s up!
McGee: No, I wasn’t looking, I swear! (Kate grabs him by the ears and pulls him up.) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I wasn’t looking! Ow! Ah! I wasn’t looking. Ow! (Kate releases him.)
(Kate is standing on McGee’s shoulders, so she can get into the window on the second floor.)
Kate: Okay... McGee, hold me steady.
McGee: (groans) Alright.
Kate: Okay, more left.
(McGee moves to his left.)
Kate: No, no, my left, your right!
McGee: Oh, sorry. (Shifts)
Kate (looks down): McGee, what are you doing?
McGee: I’m doing what you’re telling me to do!
Kate: Are your eyes closed?
Kate: Well, then, open them before you kill us!
McGee: But this morning, you...
Kate: McGee, can’t you tell when someone’s kidding with you?
McGee: I used to, and then I met you guys.
Kate: If you’re wanna work with Gibbs, then you’re gonna hafta get over that. Trust me, I know.
McGee (opens his eyes): Eyes open, it is. (Groans as he shoves Kate up onto the roof.)
(NCIS, “See No Evil”)
Gibbs: I got people calling me every five minutes asking if I have a VW for sale.
McGee: A VW?
Gibbs: It’s a car, McGee.
McGee: No, no, no, I know. I just didn’t know that you owned a VW.
Gibbs: Do I seem like the kind of guy who would drive a squishy little car?
Gibbs: Never had a cold.
Kate: You’ve never had a cold?
Gibbs: Nope. Never had the flu, either.
Kate (whispers to Tony): Why do I believe that?
Tony (whispers back, from behind a paper): If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs? (Kate chuckles)
Tony (in the showers): Who would send me a letter with anthrax?
Kate: Pick a girl, Tony, any girl.
Tony: It’s not funny, Kate.
Kate: Yeah, I know.
Tony: This is serious.
Kate: I know, Tony, I’m sorry.
Tony: At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt, and my Gucci shoes.
McGee: Hey, you know it might not be anthrax.
Tony: I like the sound of that, Probie!
McGee: Yeah, it could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...
McGee: ... foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...
Tony: Honey dust!
McGee: “Honey dust”?
Tony: Honey dust. I give it to girls... (Kate glares at him, Tony can’t see, but he knows it.) Women, sorry, Kate. I give it to women at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.
Kate (chuckling): You don’t use the whole chicken?
McGee: Never heard of honey dust.
Kate: Yeah, that’s because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.
Gibbs: It makes a woman’s skin feel silky smooth. (From within the showers, Kate, McGee, and DiNozzo’s heads poke out.) When kissed, it feels like honey. Got a box of honey dust last Christmas. No card.
Tony: Uhh... I think the post office screwed up, Boss. Someone else got your bottle of Jack and you got their—
Kate (interrupts): Hey! Doesn’t the post office irradiate our mail?
McGee: Yeah, that’s right! All Federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility in Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.
Tony: The diseases that you named, they have DNA?
McGee: They do.
Kate: Oh, you should have let him squirm!
Tony: Haha! Then it’s no worries!
Gibbs: Unless the post office screwed up again!
Abby: Stop staring at my butt and get me an evidence jar!
(NCIS, “Kill Ari, Part 1”)
Gibbs: From now on, everyone is to use phonetics, like we did in the Corps.
(Abby follows him to the elevator.)
Abby: Um, Golf-India-Bravo-Bravo-Sierra?
(Gibbs stops the elevator from closing and looks at her.)
Abby: Can I please go back to my lab? I’m flipping out up here, with nothing to do.
Gibbs: Okay, but don’t—
Abby: Don’t leave the building, I know. (Elevator begins to close, she waves.) Bravo-Yankee-Echo.
(NCIS, “Kill Ari, Part 2”)
(The team is about to cross a river by stepping on rocks.)
Ducky: Oh, let me give you a hand.
Ziva: No, no, no, no, no. It's lovely that chivalry is not dead, Doctor, but in the Army, I swam three miles across the Red Sea after scaling rough cliffs, without safety lines. I believe I can manage.
(Ziva begins to walk across the rocks, oversteps, and slips.)
(Ducky tries to catch her and ends up going down with her, with a big splash, as McGee looks on. They surface, Ziva gasping from the cold. Ducky adjusts his hat.)
Ducky: How refreshing! An independent woman!
(They burst into laughter.)
Abby: I have to look at this from a different perspective. (She bends over and looks at McGee’s butt upside-down.) Your butt’s getting bony.
McGee: Bony? I’ll have you know, Ziva rated it a 4 out of 5, okay?
Abby (thinking hard): Bone marrow. (Typing) There’s a national database for bone marrow donors. (Looks at McGee) Why is Ziva rating your butt?
McGee: Well, Tony started it.
Ziva: Why’d you do it? You didn’t need the money.
Tony: It was easier than giving blood.
Ziva: You enjoyed making those deposits. (Laughs) Was there a penalty for early withdrawal?
(McGee is typing on his typewriter, as someone knocks furiously on his door, then makes squeaking rubbing noises. He gets up to go answer the door, as the person still taps and knocks. It’s Tony.)
Tony (on the other side of the door): Ah-ha! Open up, McGee!
(McGee opens the door a bit.) McGee: Tony, I’m really not in the mood.
Tony: Let me in.
(McGee rolls his eyes, then opens the door. Tony walks in, giggles, and McGee shuts the door as Tony looks around his apartment.)
McGee: Okay, you’re in. What do you want?
Tony: We’re going out.
Tony: When the going gets tough, the tough go clubbing. We have gotta get you dressed.
McGee: Tony, I really wanna be alone tonight, okay?
Tony: No, you don’t. Still working on the novel, I see?
McGee: DiNozzo, I’m begging you, do not rag on me tonight, okay?
(Tony goes into McGee’s bedroom, turns on a light, and walks over to his closet.)
Tony: Well, I wouldn’t be DiNozzo if I didn’t. (Opens closet doors) The wardrobe. You got any party clothes, McGeek?
Tony: Baby, you are not gonna be scoring in any of this stuff.
McGee: Hey, would you stop?! I’m not going anywhere!
(McGee walks back over to his computer. Tony joins him.)
Tony: Hey, listen, man, I just wanted—
McGee (sighs): No, I know, I know... I know you were just trying to help. (Sits) Tony, I’m not like you guys. You were trained as a cop. Gibbs was a Marine sniper. Kate protected the President of the United States. God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is my biomedical engineering and computer forensics... I don’t think I’m cut out to be a field agent.
Tony: First time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.
Tony: Really... If you tell anyone, I will slap you silly. (Stands) Ooh, you got anything to eat? I know it’s bad, but a week from now, this will all be behind you, just a bad memory.
Tony: How long?
McGee: Depends. They could be using counter-attack software. If they’re using a sophisticated encryption system, it could be 128-bit, 256-bit—
McGee: On it, Boss! (Abby looks at him in surprise. He frowns and grimaces.) Tony! (He rolls his eyes and continues typing. Abby smiles, wide-eyed.)
Abby: I’ll be with you in a minute, Gibbs! (Shrieks as she Tasers her kidnapper three times.) And don’t look up my skirt! (Tasers him three more times.)
Gibbs (chuckles): Okay...
Terry Spooner: Hey, I was proven innocent, remember?
Abby: Actually, you just weren’t found guilty. There’s a difference.
Abby: Whoa. This is definitely going on my wall.
Ziva (walks in): I should be a professional photographer.
Abby: The Director hasn’t called.
Abby: "About?" Gibbs?!
Abby: She didn’t call you, did she?
Abby: Cuz, you know, the way you’re acting, you might have just, I don’t know, forgotten to tell us!
McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?
Ziva: No music.
McGee: That’s it. No music. You know, you usually play music in here.
Abby: What if those were Gibbs’ guts smooshed all over that room?!
Ziva: Oh, for God’s sake, Abby, they’re not.
Abby: I said, what if they were!?
Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.
(Abby and Ziva slap each other twice, as McGee stares in amazement. Thunder rumbles.)
(Elevator dings, doors slide open/closed. Tony and McGee collide.)
McGee: Oh, boy! Tony, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! Sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry, Tony.
(Elevator dings, doors slide open. Tony walks into the elevator, one hand over his nose, and snaps his fingers and points down to the spot next to him. McGee joins him. In the elevator, Tony turns to McGee.)
Tony: Hate the sight of blood, Probie? Too bad. (Takes away his hand, his nose is bleeding. Elevator dings, doors slide closed.)
McGee: Oh, boy!
McGee: I don’t have one.
Tony (stems his nosebleed on McGee’s tie, McGee unties it): Whatever you came to say, better be pretty damn important.
McGee: Abby slapped Ziva, and Ziva slapped her back.
Tony (head snaps up): Damn! I missed it?!
(NCIS, “Hiatus, Part 1”)
(The M.E. van drives up, covered in eggs. Ducky gets out.)
Ziva: What happened to them?
Ducky: Sorry we’re late. We had a minor run-in with some local youth.
Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that, Duck.
McGee: Did you get a good look at them?
Ducky: Oh, we did better than that. Release the captives, Mr. Palmer!
Vandal 1 (exits the van): Are we in trouble?
Vandal 2 (exits the van): Where we at?
Vandal 1: We said we were sorry.
Ducky: Right. (Hands them paper towels and solution.) Clean it.
Tony: Nice work, Palmer.
Palmer: No, it wasn’t me, Tony. Doctor Mallard chased them for three blocks.
Ducky: Oh, please. It’s not that impressive. It’s not as if they were real ninjas.
Vandal 2: Shut up and clean!
Ducky: Is she here yet?
Palmer (walking slowly into Autopsy, smiling): Oh, she’s here. And she is in costume.
Tony: Oh yeah? What’s it like?
Palmer: Trust me; you wouldn’t want me to ruin the surprise.
(Tony and McGee leave Autopsy and enter Abby’s lab)
Abby (twirls around toward Tony and McGee, in her Marilyn Monroe outfit, in slow-motion): Oh... sorry, I was late, you guys. I couldn’t hear my cell phone ringing at the party. You’d think a cemetery would be a little quieter. (The boys stare at her, dumbfounded.) It’s awful about that little girl. I mean, getting kidnapped on Halloween? Totally creepy. (She turns back to her computer. The boys look at each other.) I’m running our skeleton’s fingerprints through AFIS. I’m starting with Virginia and Maryland, and then a subset of all known child molesters on the East Coast. (McGee slowly raises the camera and snaps a photo of Abby.) I’ve got an AMBER Alert running, no hits yet. (She turns back around) We’ve gotta find her. (They continue staring.) Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have food in my teeth or something?
Tony (wry laugh): I’ll— I’ll just stick with “or something.” (They walk up to her) Need to run our dead guy’s photo against mugshots.
Abby (expectantly): Give me.
(McGee is staring somewhere around Abby’s midriff. Tony headslaps him.) Tony: The camera, McGee.
McGee: Sure, the camera, sorry.
Tony: We need to put out a BOLO, see if anyone recognizes our guy.
(Abby looks at McGee, who is still staring at her.) Abby: McGee, what is wrong with you? You look three cans short of a six-pack.
McGee: Nothing, it’s just— you look different.
Tony: He means the Halloween costume, Marilyn.
Abby (smiles): Oh! Right! Sweet, huh?
(NCIS, “Witch Hunt”)
Abby: The kids don’t like it when Mommy and Daddy fight.
Abby: I dunno. What were you gonna tell me, O Magnifico?
(NCIS, “Twisted Sister”)
Ms. Taylor: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. “Green light” includes normal behavior. “Yellow light” includes borderline behavior, such as hugging someone or—
(Abby stands, looking concerned, and raises her hand.)
Ms. Taylor: Yep?
Abby: What’s wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Ms. Taylor: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.
(Abby, shocked, looks around at the others.) Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?
(Various “no” responses go around the room.)
Abby (closes her eyes and hugs herself):I’m hugging you all in my mind right now.
Ms. Taylor: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.
Abby (baffled): Like, every time?
Ms. Taylor: Yes.
(Abby, horrified, sits back down.)
Ms. Taylor: And finally, there’s “red light” behavior, such as deliberate, unwelcomed touching. (Ziva leans forward to Tony, who is lying on the table between them, and licks his ear. He jumps up and shrieks in surprise.)
Ms. Taylor: Another question?
Tony: Yeah. What if you slap someone on the back of the head like this? (Head-slaps McGee, McGee whacks him in the stomach) Would that— would that be considered inappropriate behavior?
Ms. Taylor: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
(Tony looks over at the Director and Gibbs, who stares back at him, daring him to say yes.) Tony: No, I was just wondering, that’s all. (Sits)
(Palmer raises his hand)
Ms. Taylor: Yes?
(Gibbs’ phone rings)
Palmer: Uh, yes, uh... what if your job...
Palmer: ... includes... touching naked people... and...
Ms. Taylor: That’s inappropriate at any time.
Palmer (innocently): Even if they’re dead?
Ms. Taylor (startled): Why are you touching dead naked people?!
Palmer: Well, you see, I work in Autopsy...
Abby (as Gibbs is pulling her out of OTTO, which is pumping full of exhaust and suffocating her): Permission to hug?
Tony (singing, strumming a guitar, in costume): In my perspective, I see the people from the big jet-plane
The woman looks Teutonic, she drinks a vodka tonic
Two bald men sit with her, waiting for a fourth
They’re not going to order the main course until that person comes
(Behind Tony, a dog howls to his singing. Finally, annoyed, he turns around.)
Tony: Hey! Everybody’s a critic. Am-scray! Get outta here!
(Dog barks and leaves. Tony gazes at the long legs of a female. The Director is watching from MTAC.)
Director Shepherd: Keep your eyes on the prize, Tango-8. I may even let you keep the money you’re making.
Tony (singing): Ah, sorry! I just do what I can
Director: You’re not gonna sing the whole thing, are you?
Tony (singing): I gotta do what I gotta do
I’m just a man
Whoa! Speaking of man, another man walked through that front door, wearing a polka dot scarf
(In MTAC, the tech zooms in on a man in the surveillance video)
Will he join the table?
I don’t know
Yes, he does
And greets the pretty lady
What do they say?
He’s sitting at the table with the other people from the plane
Jenny: Stay steady on the target, Tango-8, I want his photo. (To the techs) Isolate and freeze frame.
Tony (singing): They are having a conversation... a heavy, heavy conversation...
That man talk, a talk, a talk a lot
Talk, a talk, a talk a lot
(Inside the restaurant, Trent Kort turns and looks at Tony through the window.)
Jenny, I think I’ve been made...
Do you see what I see?
Jenny: Relax, Tango-8, I’m sure he’s just checking his reflection in the glass...
Lt. Roy Sanders: All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing.
(NCIS, “Dead Man Walking”)
Gibbs: Why are you torturing McGee?
Abby: I am not torturing McGee! I am prepping him. He has his CPS polygraph test on Monday.
Gibbs: When you look at me like that, McGee, I get this overwhelming urge to head-slap you.
Abby: I am going to get a ding... (Spins around)... now! (Computer is still running through the AFIS database) You guys are doing this because it’s the weekend. And you think, if you just stall, then I’ll give up and I’ll finish the search on Monday. But that is not gonna happen.
Jenny Shepard (at the door):Abby... you worry me.
Abby: Oh, they know I’m just, you know, talking to them to pass the time. Because at this point, the fingerprint match is totally up to AFIS. (To her computer) Right, guys? (Louder) Right, guys? (To Jenny) I’m just joshing you, Director.
Jenny Shepard: I spoiled your Friday night.
Abby: Oh, you know, I was just hanging at the bar. I probably would have been completely passed out by now if I’d stayed.
Jenny Shepard: Joshing me again?
Abby (seriously): No. (Jenny looks surprised. Abby pulls an innocent face.) Yes.
(NCIS, “Angel of Death”)
Ziva: I am here if you need to talk.
Tony: About what?
Ziva: I know how much you cared about her.
Tony: I’m fine, Ziva.
Ziva: Alright, but I thought maybe you needed a little cheering up.
Tony: If I needed to be cheered up, I would’ve put super glue on McGee’s keyboard.
(McGee holds up his hands, which are superglued to his keyboard.)
McGee: You put superglue on my keyboard!
Tony: Very Special Agent DiNozzo, boy who cried wolf and who now must suffer periodontal disease for it, how may I help you?
(At Dr. Neil Fleming’s office, Tony and McGee look around the lobby. Tony walks over and is just about to knock on his door. McGee notices.)
McGee: Hey, no, no, no, don’t do that! (Tony freezes.)
Tony: Why not?
McGee: The doctor might be in with a patient, Tony. (Flips a switch on the wall.)
Tony: That tells him someone’s here? (Flips the switch back and forth obnoxiously.)
McGee: You ever been to a therapist before?
Tony: Me? No. You?
McGee: Yeah, once, when I was young.
Tony: For your acrophobia?
McGee: You’re blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.
Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights earlier today.
McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented, it’s a little understandable.
Tony: Disoriented? You had your panties in a twist, tears in your eyes. Wait, I couldn’t see your eyes, because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl.
McGee: I was not.
Tony: You were hugging the ladder, ladder-hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. Let technology show you the truth.
(Tony runs a video on his cell phone and freezes it at a point.)
McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
Tony: Oh, is that— is that what you’re doing? Let’s let the people decide.
McGee: You’re not gonna post that on YouTube?!
McGee (yells, tackles Tony on the couch): You give me that thing or I’m gonna—
Tony (yells): What are you gonna do?
McGee: Hey! Hey!
McGee: Slap you silly!
Tony: You’re not getting it!
(Dr. Fleming comes out of his office in the meantime and sees them fighting.)
Fleming: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey.
(They stop fighting and pause in a compromising position.)
Fleming: You two have deeper issues than discussed on the phone.
Tony: On the phone?
Fleming: Aren’t you the couple that called about marriage counseling?
McGee: Couple? Us? Oh no.
Tony: It’s okay. Timmy. (Places his hand on McGee’s hip.) Timmy, we’re in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. (McGee disentangles himself from Tony and stands up.) We just got back from Vermont. Pretty this time of year.
McGee (readjusting his coat): Sorry. NCIS. Special Agents McGee, DiNozzo.
Tony: Very Special Agents.
(NCIS, “Leap of Faith”)
McGee: Found something.
Tony: Lost something, too.
Tony: Yes, Alex, I’ll take “Horror Films That Take Place on Ships” for 500, thank you.
(The lights on the ship go out.)
Tony: Oh, goodie, double Jeopardy.
Kelly: It’s okay, Daddy. It’s okay. Go back, Daddy. Go back. It’s okay. I love you, Daddy. I love you. I love you, Daddy.
Gibbs: You got yourself in a mess, Corporal. You hafta get yourself out. What seems to be the problem? (D.I. voice) WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, MARINE?
Damon Werth: I wanna kill someone, sir!
Gibbs (softly): Anyone in particular?
Damon Werth: Anyone will do, sir?
Gibbs: Does that feel right to you, son?
Damon Werth: No, sir. It does not. I’m not right, sir. But it’s not my fault.
Gibbs (softly): Tell me what it feels like.
Damon Werth: Needles and pills.
Gibbs: Needles and pins?
Damon Werth: No, sir. Needles and pills. They put a cloud in my head. It’s dark behind my eyes. I can’t see in there.
Gibbs: Who drugged you?
Damon Werth: I don’t know. I can’t find it. I can’t... remember! You gotta help me.
Gibbs: At ease, son. I will.
Tony: Oh, look at me, like Jack Nicholson in “Chinatown.”
McGee: Ugh, stupid can!
Tony (growling): You know what happened to the kitty cat who got too curious.
(Ziva punctures the can with a pen.) Ziva: Straw?
McGee: No, I’m good. I got the one arm.
Tony: Maybe it was you, McGee. Thought it was one of those vets we met at the Walter Reid hospital.
McGee: Wrong case, Tony.
Tony: We even have a case? (Ziva looks curiously at him.) I mean, we already got the guy. What are we doing? (Wiggles his fingers against his temples and widens his eyes) What did we miss? What’s happening?
(Ziva looks at McGee for an explanation.) McGee: They gave him painkillers.
(Tony flexes his fingers.) Tony: My fingers are fing-ing. (Elevator door dings.) Ooh! You hear that?
(NCIS, “Corporal Punishment”)
Abby (in the evidence garage): Hey, McGee. (McGee exits the car) Oh my God, what happened to you?
McGee: I was attacked by a vicious dog.
Abby: Are you okay? (Peels back the bandages to take a look at his wound)
McGee: Careful, careful.
Abby: Did you provoke it?
McGee: If you consider serving a warrant provoking.
Abby: What happened to the dog?
McGee: He was shot. (Gestures at his car)
Abby (turns and looks at the car): What? (Runs to the car, opens the door, removes muzzle off the dog) You poor thing!
McGee: Abby, Abby, careful, that is one vicious dog.
Abby (to the dog): Hi. (to McGee) Yeah, McGee, looks really vicious.
McGee: Ducky and Jimmy sedated him. We’re hoping you can get some evidence off of him.
Abby (cuts the zip ties off the dog’s legs): There, that’s better. Who would shoot this cute little dog? Aw, look at you. (McGee straightens up. Abby straightens and turns as she realizes McGee shot the dog.)
McGee (wide-eyed look): It was self-defense. It, it was self-defense!
Abby: You shot that cute little dog?!
McGee: He’s not cute and little. He’s, he’s, he’s vicious and large!
(From within the car, the dog watches them argue, whining.)
Abby: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?
McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent. He killed someone!
Abby: Dogs don’t kill people. People kill people!
McGee: People with dogs that kill people kill people!
Abby (to the dog): You didn’t kill anybody, did you? (Jethro blinks and whines) No. (Abby scoffs in disgust and snatches McGee’s jacket.)
McGee: That’s my Hugo Boss! Hey, don’t you think that you’re compromising the evidence with my $500 jacket?
Abby: If you think that I can’t distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don’t know me, McGee. And right now? I don’t wanna know you. (Pets the dog) Good dog. (To McGee) Bad McGee!
(NCIS, “Dog Tags”)
Gibbs: Got work to do.
Tony: I’m on it, Boss. What am I on, McGee?
McGee: Are you alone?
Tony: Oh yeah, just me and 5,000 of my closest friends. I am NEVER alone! (whispers) I really need to come home, Boss.
Gibbs: I’m working on it.
McGee: The only way that we’re gonna access this information is from a secure naval communications room, so you are it. Now, here it is: I’m gonna give you a code. You’re gonna enter it into the keyboard. When you do, it’s going to ask you for a password and an authorization key.
Tony: Dad, oh! This is why I don’t want Tim driving my car. You know, I told Tim that that’s my car, and it’s not a family car, it’s my car. (Whispers) I don’t like the cut of your jib, McGee. This sounds suspiciously like illegal activity, and, well, a man of my delicate disposition is not suited to that kind of thing.
McGee: Don’t be such a girl, alright? Ready? Seven, Delta, X-ray, four, niner, eight, three, three, zero, six, Zulu. Password is bluemoon— one word. Authorization key is Foxtrot, Oscar, Charlie, Bravo.
Tony: “Bravo.” Alright, opened a search page. (Whispers) Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?
McGee: We are not hacking, Tony.
Tony: But it is illegal, right? Don’t answer that, I know it’s illegal. I’m having fun.
McGee: In the search parameters, enter the hash symbol, then two-seven-five, three-one-nine, forward slash, Delta, X-ray.
Tony: Click on file. (loudly) Dad! It’s my point exactly, Dad. It’s just not fair. (whispers) Alright, it’s searching. Waiting. More waiting.
McGee: What do you see?
Tony: A short life, McGee. Yours, if I get caught. Great. Next stop, Gitmo. I got a hit.
McGee: Download the summary file and email it to me.
Tony: Well, it’s been great talking with you, Pa. Thanks, Tim. You know I love you guys. It’s just that Tim always messes my stuff up. He doesn’t know how to shift gears, he doesn’t know how to change the oil. Make sure you feed the chickens. Say hi to Mom.
McGee: He’s insane.
Gibbs: Oh yeah.
McGee: Thank you, Tony. Look after yourself. Don’t fall overboard, okay?
Tony: More likely to jump.
Gibbs: You take care of yourself.
Tony: Miss you, too, Dad.
(Satellite call disconnects.)
Palmer: Agent Gibbs, you startled me. Director Vance.
Director Leon Vance: Mr. Palmer.
Gibbs: You been seeing Agent Lee, Jimmy?
Palmer: No! (beat) Yes. I mean, I mean, no. I mean, yes, I was seeing her, and no, I’m not seeing her anymore.
Gibbs: Where and when?
Palmer: Ah... Here... and there... here and there... mostly here. Until Doctor Mallard almost caught us, and then, uh, we had to change our— where we did it.
Palmer: Building next door.
Palmer: Every Friday morning. She would log in, and then she would open the, uh, service door on the parking garage, and we used the paint locker in the basement.
Director Leon Vance: Paint locker.
Palmer: Think she got off on the fumes.
Gibbs: You still seeing her?
Palmer: No, sir. Ended a few months ago.
Gibbs: She end it?
Palmer: No, I ended it. Sir. Felt I was being used.
(Gibbs and Vance begin to leave Autopsy)
Palmer: Am I gonna be fired?
Director Leon Vance: No. And it will not happen again.
Palmer: No, sir. It will not happen. With anyone. Anywhere. I-I-I mean, it will happen again, it-it, but not with anyone here on the, uh... Thank you. Sir.
(NCIS, "Last Man Standing")
McGee (gleeful): Road trip.
(McGee and Ziva run to join Gibbs in the elevator, Tony behind them.)
Tony: On your six, Boss.
Gibbs: Follow up with the Taylor family.
Tony (stunned): But I...
(McGee and Ziva get in the elevator gleefully.)
Tony: On it.
(The door starts to close.)
Tony (to McGee and Ziva): I hate you. Take lots of pictures.
Ziva: I’ll call Tony.
McGee: I’ll call Abby.
(They run back into Jackson’s shop.)
(Tony walks into Abby’s lab.)
Tony: What d’you got, Abbs?
Abby: I found three distinct blood samples on LaCombe’s ring. One sample belongs to LaCombe, but he definitely got some punches in. If we’re really lucky, our bad guys have some marks on them. You heard anything?
Tony: From Hazzard County? No, not yet. (Tony’s phone rings) Oh, hey.
(McGee pops up on Abby’s computer screen.)
Abby: Look, Bo, there’s our good ol’ boy now. (To McGee) Hey, Luke. How’s Uncle Jesse?
(McGee pokes Ziva in the back) McGee: Hey, I got em! (She comes over to the computer)
McGee and Ziva: Gibbs has a father!
Tony and Abby: Tell me everything!
Shannon Gibbs: What were you and those guys fighting about?
Young Gibbs: I don’t even remember.
Shannon Gibbs: You should stop.
Young Gibbs: Are you waiting for the train, too?
Shannon Gibbs: Yeah.
Young Gibbs: We could sit together.
Shannon Gibbs: I don’t know, it’s a long ride. (Gibbs looks at her) But I guess you’re not a lumberjack.
Young Gibbs: No.
Shannon Gibbs: Well, I have a rule. It’s either number one or number three: Never date a lumberjack.
Young Gibbs: You have a rule for everything?
Shannon Gibbs (smiles and nods): Working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What’s your name?
Young Gibbs (embarrassed): Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Shannon Gibbs: I’m just gonna call you “Gibbs.”
Young Gibbs: You can call me anything you want.
Shannon Gibbs: I’m Shannon.
McGee (on the phone with the car dealership): Look, two days ago, you told me my car would be ready yesterday, and that my bill would be $270. Then yesterday, you told me my car would be ready today, and the bill was $400. Now you’re telling me my car’s gonna be ready tomorrow?
Man: Absolutely. Tomorrow.
McGee: How much?
Tony: One octave or two?
Ziva: Did any of them hurt you, McGee? I will kick their ass.
McGee (answering his cell phone): McGee. (Indistinct voice on the other end) You told me my car would be ready today.
Tony: One octave or two? (Ziva smiles)
McGee: Listen up, because this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna take the first estimate and you’re gonna reduce it by ten percent. Then you’re going to find the part, install the part, and have my car parked out front and ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.
Tony: Wow. Who would guess that McGee would grow a pair in a women’s prison? (Ziva smiles.)
McGee: I put away killers for a living. That’s what I do. Now you do exactly as I told you, and we won’t have any problems. Understood? Good. Clock’s ticking. (Hangs up the phone)
Abby: Wow, McGee. Your time in the Big House really changed you. I like it.
(They need to fill the empty chair.)
Gibbs (sets a stack of files down on Tony’s desk): Okay, you pick. After we get back.
Tony: First things first, gotta narrow down prospective agents. It’s gotta be a woman.
Gibbs: Those are just the women.
Tony (looks at Gibbs): Are there photos in here, Boss?
McGee (walks after Gibbs): Boss, really, Tony picks? Because, you know, coming from anyone else (the elevator dings and Tony follows), that might be considered a lapse of judgment.
(They get into the elevator.)
Gibbs: Okay, you both pick.
Tony: What, you don’t trust me to be professional?
Gibbs (presses button, elevator dings): No casting couch. (Tony sighs.)
(NCIS, “Truth or Consequences”)
Tony: The heat’s out, the phone’s out, internet’s down. No elevator, coffee, or vending machines. Backup generators are feeding lights, basic communications, MTAC—
Palmer: Oh, and Autopsy freezers.
Tony: Really? Yeah, that could get ugly, huh?
(NCIS, “Power Down”)
Tony: I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say... serial killer.
Ziva: A limb. Nice.
Tony: Can I give you a hand? These are terrible jokes.
Natalia: Who told you the Day of the Dead is in May?
Abby: Your name is...? Let me guess... Natalia?
Natalia (looks at her name badge): You can read.
Abby: I can read. I can also tell that you have cats.
Natalia: Anyone could tell I have a cat.
Abby: One orange tabby and two calicos. You’re allergic to citrus. You went bowling last night. You’re Vitamin D deficient. Oh, and you’re ovulating. (Class gasps, laughs) Any more questions? Great. Back to the case.
Ducky (Palmer is unscrewing a crate): Mr. Palmer, do you mind doing that a bit more quietly? I can hardly hear myself think.
Palmer: Sorry, Doctor. What are you thinking about?
Ducky: My God.
Palmer: What is it?
Ducky: My mind’s a complete blank.
Palmer: Has that ever happened before?
Palmer: Ah, perhaps this reminds you of a time when... Or-or maybe you were just a lad, and...
Ducky: What is it you’re doing, Mr. Palmer?
Palmer: I thought maybe if I teed the ball up properly...
Ducky: I might find the fairway.
(NCIS, “Rule Fifty-One”)
Ziva: I want... something... permanent. Something that can’t be taken away. (Voice breaking) Is that too much to ask?
(NCIS, “A Man Walks Into a Bar...”)
Dr. Derek Shepherd: It's a beautiful day to save lives.
Bonnie: So... if you move me... I'll die?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: We're gonna do everything we can to-
Mr. Maynard: No. No. If anybody has to go, it should be me. You just move-
Dr. Preston Burke: Mr. Maynard, Mr. Maynard, your injuries are less extensive.
(Dr. Derek Shepherd runs his thumb over Bonnie's hand.)
Dr. Preston Burke: If we pull the pole from you as we operate around it, we have a better chance of repairing the damage.
Mr. Maynard: It's not right. It's not fair.
Bonnie: Tom... it's not fair either way. Is, um... is my Danny, is he here yet?
Dr. George O'Malley: There are delays at the airport. Um, the storm...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: We could wait, but the longer we do, the higher the risk of infection for-
Bonnie: No. No. This is better. Danny wouldn't understand. I've had a couple of hours to, you know, process all of this, but if he had to see me, talk to me like this, well, I... I just think it would be too hard.
Bonnie (later, to Mr. Maynard): Can I ask you a question?
Mr. Maynard: Mm-hmm.
Bonnie: Do you believe in Heaven?
Mr. Maynard: I do. Don't you?
Bonnie: I want to.
Mr. Maynard: Bonnie... I just want to say...
Bonnie: Shh... I know... I know...
Dr. Derek Shepherd: This is Dr. Adams, our anesthesiologist. When you're ready, he's gonna put you to sleep.
Bonnie: So it's not gonna hurt?
Dr. Adams: It won't hurt a bit.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Yeah.
Bonnie: That's good.
(Grey's Anatomy, "Hit Me Like A Train". Goddamn, this episode shattered my heart.)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Dr. O'Malley?
Dr. George O'Malley: Yes?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Stop looking at my vajayjay!
Dr. George O'Malley (quickly looks away): Yes, ma'am!
(Grey's Anatomy, "As We Know It")
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Just for the record? I am your "knight-in-shining-whatever."
(Grey's Anatomy, "Walk on Water")
Dr. Alex Karev: Today's the day my life begins. All my life, I've been just me-- just a smart-mouthed kid. Today I become a man. Today I become a husband. Today I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today I become accountable to you, to our future, to all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready, for anything, for everything, to take on life, to take on love, to take on possibility, responsibility. Today, Izzie Stevens, our life together begins, and I, for one, can't wait.
(Grey's Anatomy, "What a Difference a Day Makes")
Dr. Meredith Grey: If I get Alzheimer's...
Dr. Derek Shepherd: I will remind you who I am, every day.
(Grey's Anatomy, "Now or Never")
Mr. Torres: She's not a vegetarian, is she? Because I don't know how much more I can take.
(Grey's Anatomy, "Invasion")
Mr. Taylor: There's always a way. When things look like there's no way? There's a way- to do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable, there's always a way. Today, if you become frightened, instead, become inspired.
(Grey's Anatomy, "Give Peace a Chance")
Dr. Derek Shepherd: If you don't feel the losses... if they don't hurt you and humble you... that's when you know you're not cut out for this kind of work.
(Grey's Anatomy, "Valentine's Day Massacre")
Dr. Jackson Avery: 12 pounds. EBay, here I come.
(Dr. Lexie Grey giggles.)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Dr. Grey. You are doctors. If you are going to be caregivers, you need to be able to handle anything the human body throws at you.
(Spider emerges from a horn on the patient's wart-covered hand)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Aah! Oh, spider! Someone do something, please! Spider! It just came right out of that horn! (To Lexie) Get it! Get it! (Lexie steps on the spider) Thank you! Thank you! Okay. Okay. Whooo!
(Grey's Anatomy, "Superfreak". God, this made me laugh so hard!)
Tyler (as he performs CPR, before his fellow paramedics shock the electrocuted patient):I don't think more electricity is what this guy needs, just throwing it out there.
Tyler: Okay, don't shoot the white guy.
Rabbit: Bring him to the copter, Nancy! And tell your puppy dog to stop barking!
(Trauma, "All's Fair")
Boone: Hey, hey, can you help me find this guy’s tongue?
Tyler: Why, why do I have to find the guy’s tongue? See, a kidney, a kidney I could find.
Ray: Hey, you wanna do some real work, grab a hose!
Tyler: What is it? Why are you guys always trying to get me to touch your hose?
Bunny Rabbit: (running up to the ambulance window) Sarah Palin's all messed up!
Tyler: (laughing) Ha, you're preaching to the choir!
Tyler: This is like a crack house for birds!
(Trauma, "Thank You")
(Marisa has just unknowingly walked in on Nancy and Rabbit making out and getting dirty. Nancy is playing it cool by the table and Rabbit is hiding behind the open fridge.)
Marisa: Hey, can I stash my lunch in your fridge?
Marisa: Cool, thanks. Rabbit eats anything I put in ours. I swear, it's like flying with a goat.
Rabbit: (revealing himself from behind the open fridge, munching on a carrot) That is both hurtful and untrue.
Marisa: How did you get in here?
Rabbit: Same way I swiped your lunch.
(Trauma, "Tunnel Vision")
Tyler: Paramedics. Pair of medics.
Boone: Shut up. Paramedics!
Tyler: You knock. She might hear the seniority.
Merry: (pushing the lit firework toward Pippin) You're supposed to stick it in the ground!
Pippin: (pushing the lit firework toward Merry) It is in the ground!
Pippin: This was your idea!
(Pippin starts to push the firework back toward Merry, when it goes off. Pippin screams as it knocks both of them to the ground, their faces black from the explosion. All the other hobbits look around at the explosion and watch.)
Gandalf: (to Frodo) I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear. (Puts his hand on Frodo's shoulder)
Aragorn: If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. (Takes a knee in front of Frodo) You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe!
Boromir: (approaches slowly) You carry the fate of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done.
Sam: Heh! (Suddenly emerges from behind some bushes and stands next to Frodo, arms crossed) Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!
Elrond: No, indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.
Pippin and Merry: (seeing Sam in the middle of all the important people) Oi! We're coming, too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!
Pippin: Anyway, you need people with intelligence on this sort of mission- quest- thing.
Merry: Well, that rules you out, Pip.
Elrond: Nine companions... So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!
Pippin: Great! Where are we going?
Pippin: Are we lost?
Pippin: I think we are.
Merry: Shh! Gandalf's thinking.
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Boromir: They have a cave troll.
Gimli: Nobody tosses a Dwarf!
Haldir: The dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark.
Legolas: Lembas. Elvish waybread. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man.
Merry: (under his breath) How many did you eat?
Pippin: Four. (Burps uncomfortably)
Boromir: I would have followed you, my brother. My Captain. My king.
(Boromir passes away. Aragorn touches his hand to his forehead, then his lips, in respect, then places his hand on Boromir's face.)
Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor. (Bends and kisses Boromir on the brow.)
Sam: I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. "Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
("Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring")
(In the stables, a couple of men try to calm and hold a brown horse. The horse struggles against the ropes and rears on its hind legs. Eowyn, taking care of another horse, turns to watch at what is happening. Aragorn, putting a saddle down, walks over to the wild horse.)
Stablehand 1: Ho. (horse rears again)
Stablehand 2: That horse is half-mad, my lord. There's nothing you can do. Leave him!
(Aragorn walks toward the horse and starts to speak in Elvish to it.)
Aragorn: Faeste, stille nú, fæste, stille nú. Lac is drefed, gefrægon. *Fast, be quiet now, fast, be quiet now. A battle is stirred up, they heard.*
(The horse calms down a bit, yet it still is showing the whites of its eyes. Aragorn reaches out and touches it and releases one of its ropes. The horse stands still and quiet.)
Aragorn: Hwæt nemnað ðe? Hm? Hwæt nemnað ðe? *What is your name?’Hm? What is your name?*
(Éowyn looks at them.)
Éowyn: His name is Brego. He was my cousin’s horse.
Aragorn: Brego? Ðin nama is cynglic. *Brego? Your name is kingly.*
(Éowyn moves towards them while Aragorn still talks in elvish to the horse. Brego is now calm, submitting to Aragorn’s touch and voice.)
Aragorn: Man le trasta, Brego? Man cenich? *What troubles you, Brego? What did you see?*
Woman: He's alive!
Gimli: (pushing his way through the crowd) Where is he? Get out of the way! I'm gonna kill him! (Approaches Aragorn) You are the luckiest, the canniest, and the most reckless man I have ever known! (Hugs Aragorn) Bless you, laddie!
Aragorn: Gimli, where is the king?
(Gimli nods toward the doors. Aragorn is approached by Legolas)
Legolas: Le abdollen. *You're late.* You look terrible.
(Aragorn grins and chuckles.)
Legolas: (to Gimli) Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box?
(Aragorn and Gimli walk along a ledge along the wall. Aragorn looks over and sees the Uruks still trying to get into the Deep.)
Gimli: Oh, come on. We can take them!
Aragorn: It's a long way.
Gimli: (looks, beat) Toss me.
Gimli: I cannot jump the distance! You're going to have to toss me!
(Aragorn nods and grabs Gimli to toss him. Gimli stutters and Aragorn pauses.)
Gimli: Don't tell the elf.
Aragorn: Not a word. (Tosses Gimli with a yell, then yells as he jumps onto the causeway.)
Treebeard: Many of these trees were my friends. Creatures I had known from nut and acorn.
Pippin: I'm sorry, Treebeard.
Treebeard: A wizard should know better! (Treebeard draws in a deep breath, then lets out a loud yell, causing the hobbits to cover their ears. His yell echoes across the Forest of Fangorn.) There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery.
Pippin: (looking behind himself) Look! The trees! They're moving!
Merry: Where are they going?
Treebeard: They have business with the Orcs. My business is with Isengard tonight with a rock and stone.
(Both Hobbits turn and see the Ents going toward Isengard)
Treebeard: Hroom, hoom, come, my friends. The Ents are going to war. It is likely that we go to our doom. The last march of the Ents.
Treebeard: Break the dam! Release the river!
(Legolas walks to where Gimli is smoking on top of a dead Uruk.) Legolas: Final count, forty-two.
Gimli: Forty-two? That's not bad for a pointy-eared Elvish princeling. I myself am sitting pretty on forty-three.
(Legolas quickly gets out an arrow, aims it toward Gimli, and fires. It reveals that Legolas shot the Uruk that Gimli is sitting on.)
Legolas: Forty-three. (Smiles)
Gimli: He was already dead.
Legolas: He was twitching.
Gimli: He was twitching because he's got my axe embedded in his nervous system!
(Gimli pushes his axe back and forth, making the Uruk move.)
("Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers")
Eomer: No pauses. No spills.
Gimli: And no regurgitation.
(Eomer gives a mug of beer to Legolas)
Legolas: So it's a drinking game?
(Men "ai!" and raise their mugs.)
Gimli: Last one standing wins.
Men: What'll we drink to? Let's drink to victory! To victory!
(Gimli gulps down his mug as Legolas carefully starts to drink. Gimli gulps down another mug as Legolas sets down another mug. Someone hands them both another mug.)
Gimli: Here here. It's the Dwarves that go swimming with little hairy women! (Laughs)
Legolas: I feel something. (Eomer raises his eyebrows at him) A slight tingle in my fingers. I think it's affecting me.
Gimli: (drunkenly) What did I say? He can't hold his liquor. (His eyes cross and he falls off his chair onto the floor.)
Legolas: Game over.
Gandalf: Of all the inquisitive Hobbits, Peregrine Took, you are the worst!
Elrond: They will answer to the King of Gondor! Anduril, Flame of the West, forged from the shards of Narsil!
Gimli: Well, this is a thing unheard of! An Elf go underground where a Dwarf dare not?! Oh! Oh, I'd never hear the end of it!
Aragorn: (to the Corsair men) You may go no further. You will not enter Gondor.
(Corsair men laugh at him as their ships pass by.)
Aragorn: Legolas, fire a warning shot past the bosun's ear.
Gimli: Mind your aim. (Hits Legolas's bow as he fires. Arrow hits the man next to the captain. Gimli gasps and covers his mouth as Legolas glares at him.)
Gimli: That's it. Right. We warned you. Prepare to be boarded.
Captain: Boarded? By you and whose army?
Aragorn: This army.
(The King of the Dead and his army appear in front of Aragorn with a yell and run toward the ships.)
Sam: Don't leave me here alone! Don't go where I can't follow!
Theoden: Forth and fear no darkness! (Theoden rides in front of his soldiers, trying to bolster their courage.) Arise, arise, riders of Theoden! (Theoden rides in front of Eowyn and she hides her face from him.) Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day, a red day, 'ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride for ruin, and the world's ending! Death! Forth Eorlingas!
Eowyn: I am no Man!
Aragorn: I hold your oath fulfilled. Go. Be at peace.
Gimli: Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?
(Aragorn beheads the head of the Mouth of Sauron.) Gimli: I guess that concludes negotiations.
Aragorn: Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. The day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day! An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!
Gimli: Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf.
Legolas: What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli: Aye. I can do that.
Sam: Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you!
Frodo: I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee. Here at the end of all things.
Gandalf: Farewell, my brave Hobbits. Here at last, on the shores of the sea, comes the end of our Fellowship. (Merry and Pippin start to cry, but Frodo watches in silence.) I will not say "Do not weep," for not all tears are an evil.
("Lord of the Rings: Return of the King")
Anything else you guys wanna know about me, feel free to PM or email me. Lots of love to my fellow Constables/Sergeants/Team Leaders, Potterheads, Sherlockians, Cumbercollectives, DueSers, Rentheads, Probies, Tributes, and Rohirrim!! You know who you are!! :)