Author has written 10 stories for Criminal Minds, Merlin, Suits, Supernatural, and Dresden Files.
Hello. I am hujwernoo. But you probably already know that. Because it's right there. Up on top. Just up there to the side.
So. I suppose you want to know about me? That's what other people put on their profiles. I'm not sure if there's some standard profile information we're supposed to give out or something. If there is, I haven't been informed. Just a disclaimer if someone tries to sue. Although if someone does try to sue, I'd be mystified as to why. I have somewhere around three hundred dollars, and that's about it.
I am female. Is that relevant? I suppose if you wanted to PM me and wanted to address me as 'friend' in French and aren't sure of my gender, then it would be relevant. Although the majority of writers on this site seem to be female. That says something, and if you ever find out what it is then be sure to tell me because I haven't a clue.
I am sixteen. In Korea I would be seventeen, but I am not in Korea so I am still sixteen.
I like to write. I think that would be self-evident from having an account on this website, but you never can tell what people will think so I thought it would be best to just state it outright instead of hoping you would take it for granted. I write oneshots mostly. I'm good at oneshots. I staunchly maintain that my multi-chapter fic 'Overheard' was a fluke. It was sort of like one of those cartoons where the cartoon person runs out over the cliff and keeps running over the empty air and only realizes it two feet from the other side of the canyon. I must have done something right, though, because people really like it for some reason. Score for cartoon physics.
I like reading too. If you scroll down (way, way down, sorry about all the stuff on here but it's all just so cool I couldn't resist) you'll see I've favorited over seven hundred stories. Yes, I have read every one. Yes, that is a colossal waste of time. No, I do not care, because they are all awesome.
AND. I don't like romance. It bores me to tears, and the more...uh, physical stuff just grosses me out, het and slash alike. Unfortunate, because do you have ANY idea how many people focus on romance in their writings? Seriously. I dare you to come up with anything that does not have a hint of romance in it. So far I've only come up with the Sherlock Holmes original stories (and just the original stories - IRENE ADLER WAS NOT A CANONICAL LOVE INTEREST, PEOPLES, WHY DOES EVERYBODY IGNORE THAT!!!) and The Hobbit. So do not expect romance from me.
I think that's all. Unless there is something else I'm missing, in which case I do not care in the slightest because I am tired of typing. Goodbye!
THINGAMABOBS AND JIGS, DOODADS AND OTHER COOL STUFF I COULDN'T RESIST PUTTING ON MY PROFILE, BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO TOO:
'Be the change you want to see in the world.' Mahatma Ghandi
'All of us are certain we are not crazy. But have you ever noticed crazy people never know they're crazy?' Me
You know you're a writer if...
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. Oh, lord, yes.
When you talk to yourself, you often talk to yourself while talking to somebody else. Hmm... Maybe I should do that. I'm running out of things to do that will make people look at me funny.
You'll check your email every day for a week, then disappear off the Earth. More like once a week, and disappear for months. What is this thing called Google Plus?
Your emails tend to be incredibly long and very random. Change that to 'journals' and you've got me. I'm in the process of creating a dictionary for all the new terms and inside references I make.
When replying to an email, you never actually address the point. I've given up on email. Nobody understands them.
You never have to get up to find pencils or paper in your room. Actually, this one is untrue. I'm afraid I have a bit of OCD. On the flip side, that means I don't need to be beta'd.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. Also untrue. I think these things are stamped on or something.
You constantly talk about yourself in third person, whether past or present. OH DEARTHANKGOD I thought I was the only one who did that!!
You start thinking about making lists like this and giggle for no "apparent" reason. And at the awkwardest of times as well.
People stopped looking at you funny for no reason a loooooooooooooong time ago. Untrue. I can constantly surprise everyone with my particular brand of insanity. It is my mission to do so.
You describe everyday situations in your head as if they were in a book. Complete with descriptive imagery, even though I'm, y'know, actually seeing the images.
You laugh at completely random/inappropriate times just because of something you read the day before. Or a week ago...or months...or years...prompting odd looks when I break into hysterical laughter in the previously silent as a tomb car.
You talk/yell/laugh/cry at your books. And cover my ears. I have no idea where this instinct came from, since books can only be experienced with, well, eyes.
You write in class when you get a great idea. A lot.
When you get an idea for a story, you become more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. Have you ever seen a kid on Christmas morning? Yes? What about an author with a new idea? No? Christmas morning is for amateurs.
If you want your favorite fictional characters to exist, copy and paste on your profile
If you talk to inanimate objects, copy and paste to your profile.
If you are Merlin obsessed, copy this into your profile. (You know dat's right!) ;)
If you hear the voices of characters in your head, put this onto your profile.
If you've ever been called a bookworm and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word. And you do at random moments; copy and paste this in your profile.
If you are hardcore obsessed with a show or movie or book, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you get all giddy when you hear a trailer for your favorite TV show/movie is on TV, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever picked up a book, and never put it down (you have read it while walking and doing chores if necessary) copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think that the kids should give the poor Trix rabbit some Trix, copy and Paste this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE it's weird. If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile.
Many writers don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' If you happen to understand this mundanely ridiculous fact, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, put this in your profile.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Cool huh ?? If yuo can raed tihs tehn put it on yuor porifle!
And HERE... is the official Evil Overlord List. All you need to know to be a SUCCESSFUL Evil Overlord!
- My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
- Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
- I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
- I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
- I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
- I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
- I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look likeNazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
- No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
- I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
- No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
- No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
- I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
- My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
- All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
- All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
- I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
- I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
- I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
- I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
- If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
- If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
- If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
- I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
- Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
- When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
- I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
- I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
- I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
- If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
- If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
- I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
- If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
- My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
- If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
- I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
- If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
- I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
- The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
- My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
- Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
- If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
- I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
- My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
- If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed unless I have a response that satisfies them.
- I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
- Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
- I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
- If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
- My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
- No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
- I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
- All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
- When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
- If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
- If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
- I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
- When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
- I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
- If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
- If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
- I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
- If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
- If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
- If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
- I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
- If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
- I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
- I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
- I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
- My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
- If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
- After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
- I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
- I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
- If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
- If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
- When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
- My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
- My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
- My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
- If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
- Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size.
- Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
- I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I'll do it myself.
- I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident — I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
- I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
- My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
- I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a Mad Scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. I will also make sure that he does not have an extremely beautiful and extremely impressionable daughter.
- If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
- Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won'ttumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
- Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
- I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
- I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
- I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
- I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
- I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
- I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
- I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
- If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
- No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
- If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
- I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
- Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
- If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
- The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
- If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
- Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
- Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five to ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
- Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
- Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
- I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
- Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
- All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
- I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
- Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
- If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
- If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up alongside of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
- My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
- If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
- Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
- The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
- If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
- I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
- As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
- If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
- If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
- I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
- My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
- If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
- I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
- Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
- Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
- I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
- I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
- I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
- My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
- I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
- If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
- If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
- Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
- I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
- If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
- Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
- I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
- If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
- When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
- I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
- As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
- If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
- If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
- I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
- If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
- I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
- I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
- I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
- Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
- If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
- I will have my fortress exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
- I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
- If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
- If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
- I will not outsource core functions.
- If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
- I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
- I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
- Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
- I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
- If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
- I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
- I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
- I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
- I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.
- If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
- I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
- If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
- If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this pointhas no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
- I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
- I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
- I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
- I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
- I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
- I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
- During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Do not disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they “want fries with that”.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".
5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Drugs".
7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. dont use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the Economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late. You lose.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Wait - whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope...)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation.)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to...?)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(What? No! It doesn't say how to perform step one!)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
hand stump if you've tried this.)
Warning: Do not sit on zoo railings. You may fall in the cage and the animals may eat you, making them sick. Thank you.
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Quotes…from a very wide range of sources:
Quotes about Life:
"I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Adam from Mythbusters
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you - Unknown
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move - Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away—he hates that.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ... oooh, the possibilities!
Quotes about people:
“Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls” – profile of: I.bashed.Voldie’s.head
"Luke... I am your second uncle, twice removed," – from: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
No I WONT go to hell! They have a restraining order against me – profile of: Death’s Favourite Child
I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me.
"Is there any tea on this spaceship?” Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The single most important question which must be asked by any British person when abducted by aliens.
If life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
Come over to the dark side…we've got cookies!
Quotes about Intellect:
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
I’m having Déjà vu and amnesia at the same time: I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Intelligence is realizing that it is a one-way street. Wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Sarchasm—the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
Knowledge = Power = Energy = Matter = Mass. The L-Space equation by Terry Pratchett, which explains why really old fashioned second hand bookshops are bigger on the inside. They distort the fabric of space-time.
Quotes of the Random nature:
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force!
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action - Sign shown in a non-smoking zone
Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Warning: Survivors will be shot again.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The pen may be mightier, but the sword still hurts like hell.
When nothing goes right, go left
I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.
And then Buffy staked Edward. The end.
When I was your age, Pluto was a planet.
Sam: So burning the body had no effect on that thing?
Dean: Sure it did. Now it’s really pissed - Supernatural
Dear Santa, I can explain...
A: Alright then, do you have a plan of escape?.
A: Anything more detailed??
B: Run quickly.
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it." -Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"There is an art – or rather a knack – to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Pick a nice day and try it.
The first part is easy; all it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt. That is, it's going to hurt, if you fail to miss the ground.
Most people fail to miss the ground and if they're really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard. Clearly it's the second point – the missing – which presents with the difficulties.
One problem is that you have to miss the ground accidentally; it's no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won't. You have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something else when you're half way there, so that you're no longer thinking about falling, or about the ground, or about how much it's going to hurt if you fail to miss it. It is notoriously difficult to pry your attention away from these three things during the split second you have at your disposal – hence most people's failure, and their eventual disillusionment with this exhilarating and spectacular sport.
Do not listen to what anybody says to you at this point, because they're unlikely to say anything helpful. They are most likely to say something along the lines of 'good God you can't possibly be flying'. It is vitally important not to believe them, or they will suddenly be right.
If however you are lucky enough to have your attention momentarily distracted at the crucial moment (by say: a gorgeous pair of legs, tentacles, pseudopodia according to phylum and/or personal inclination) you will miss the ground completely.
Try a few swoops, gentle ones at first, then drift above the tree tops breathing regularly.
Do not wave at anybody.
When you've done this a few times you'll find the moment of distraction rapidly becomes easier and easier to achieve." - Douglas Adams [Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Tertiary Phase]
"Life is a disease: sexually transmitted and invariably fatal." -Neil Gaiman
“Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction."
"We live in a spaceship, dear." - Wash and Zoe, Firefly
Sherlock: You're a doctor. Actually, an army doctor.
Sherlock: Any good?
John: Very good.
Sherlock: Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths.
John: Well, yes.
Sherlock: Bit of trouble too, I bet.
John: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.
Sherlock: Want to see some more?
John: oh, God, yes. – Sherlock
Lestrade: Isn’t that the phone from a Study in Pink?
Sherlock: Obviously not, but someone wants – a Study in Pink? You read his blog?
Lestrade: Course I do. We all do. Do you really not know that the earth goes around the sun? - Sherlock
"Stop it! We can't giggle, we’re at a crime scene." - John Watson, Sherlock
John: A severed head!
Sherlock: Just tea for me, thanks - Sherlock
A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright
Arthur: I warn you, I've been trained to kill since birth.
Merlin: Wow. And how long have you been training to be a prat?
Arthur: You can't address me like that.
Merlin: Sorry. How long have you been training to be a prat... my lord? - Merlin
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters - Neil Gaiman
I survived Y2K, 9/11, mad cow disease, bird flu, and swine flu. 2012, bring it on.
And...Quotes from Fan Fics:
Q: Charlie is still glaring, but Don moves on easily because he knows it bugs his brother to leave an argument unfinished. "There was an explosion in the Physics department at CalSci."
Their dad nods. "I heard that much on the news."
"Yeah, something explodes a couple doors down and Charlie's still in Larry's office worrying about his chalkboards." He smirks at his brother and Charlie spreads his hands, incredulous.
"They were important equations! Larry and I spent all morning working on that hypothesis!"
Dad gives him a look. "It's times like these I'm grateful you're not more involved in your brother's work. You know, most people hear an explosion and they exit the building."
"It's the physics department!" Charlie protests, waving his fork. "There are explosions all the time!"
Another look from their father. "That is not exactly reassuring."
Charlie gestures at Don and Don realizes as he's opening his mouth that he's about to get his turn in the hot seat. "At least I'm not like Don, walking around with a huge hunk ofmetal in my leg!"
Their father nods. "This is true."
"I was only walking because I had to find you and make sure you weren't doing exactly what you were doing—not leaving the building." - Improbably, but Not Impossible, by MusicalLuna1
Q: "I'll keep that in mind for the next time you go and get yourself killed," Merlin muttered darkly, but for the first time since the conversation started Arthur thought he saw the smallest hint of a smile.
"Merlin," Arthur said.
"How about this," Merlin said, "You don't die, and I won't rip down castles. Deal?"
It was quiet again. Then, Merlin said, "Did I really tear down the whole thing?"
"Yes," Arthur answered, "You don't remember?"
Merlin shook his head, "I just wanted Drake," he said, "I, uh, I just wanted everything that was in my way out of it."
"Oh," Arthur said, and considered the repercussions of loyalty strong enough to literally shake a fortress to its knees. Finding no clear cut response, said, "Just…don't do anything like that again."
(They both knew that he was lying.) - Exaggerations and Overreactions, by Ultra-Geek
Q: Gwaine hummed, and readjusted his position, wincing. "There's a thing," he said, "If Merlin is Emrys and Arthur wanted Emrys found, why were you two larking about in the forest?"
"To talk to a dragon, apparently," Lancelot said. Gwaine just stared at him, and the other knight shrugged again, and added, "I don't know, I got sent away before that part."
"Merlin gets to have all the fun," Gwaine grumbled. - The Next Seven Days, by Ultra-Geek
Q: Dean's eyes shifted back and forth between his brother and the angel. "Did I miss something?"
"No. Not really," Sam replied with a shrug.
Castiel frowned. "Except for the demons."
"Right." Sam nodded. "The demons. And the ritual."
"And the six hellhounds."
"Almost getting mauled to death."
"Almost getting mauled to death again."
"Our slow getaway."
"And a narrow escape from a final fatal mauling," Sam finished grinning at his brother.
Castiel's expression remained completely blank but there was something twinkling in his eyes.
Gripping tightly to the steering wheel, Dean declared, "That's it. I'm never leaving the two of you alone ever again." - Amid Adversity, by Daylight
Q: "This is called the ring finger, Cas."
"Fourf," Castiel said. And he giggled, small and bright.
Dean laughed, loud and delighted. "Yeah, okay. You can call it the fourf finger if you want. And this is the bird."
"Bird?" the child repeated doubtfully.
"Not bird. The bird. Say it with me."
"Yeah, you got it!"
Sam didn't have to look up to know what was going on. Instead, he ducked his head further down behind his laptop, cheeks flaming. "Dean! Stop corrupting the angel boy!" - Entertaining Angels, by Laura of Maychoria
IF YOU ARE NEW TO FANFICTION, here are my helpful hints:
1. WHUMP is delicious. Savor it.
2. ROMANCE, het or slash, is hugely popular. For some reason. You WILL wish there is such a thing as bleach for your brain.
3. Kid!fics, done properly, are adorable.
4. If you don't know what Supernatural is, you will.
5. If you can't picture the characters doing exactly what it says they do, it's OOC and you should leave the story right now.
6. Be NICE. And if you can't be nice, just leave the story, peoples.
7. If you don't know what ANIME is, you will.
8. REVIEWS are our nectar, our ambrosia, our reason for drawing breath, our motivation to get up in the morning, our sky, our clouds, our sun, our world. Basically, we like to get them. Hint hint.
9. SHIPPING is rooting for two (or more, it is a fantasy, after all) characters to get together romantically.
10. Never, ever piss off the shippers.
11. If you don't know what GLEE is, you will.
12. If you aren't good at deciphering every portmanteau couples name ever devised, you better learn to. Fast.
13. AUTHORS NOTES, sometimes at the beginning/end of chapters, are extremely helpful. And, on occasion, hilarious.
14. If you think you'd like to read a work that isn't completed yet, look at the last time it was updated. If the date was more than a year ago, the author probably isn't going to finish it.
15. If you don't know what HARRY POTTER is, you've been living on the moon for the last decade.
16. ONESHOTS are ONE chapter. That's it, peoples.
17. It is a mystery why there is a WESTERN genre. Nobody writes for it.
18. It is common for authors to promise virtual sweets in return for reviews. Don't believe them. The cookies are a lie.
19. CROSSOVERS are (hopefully) rather self-explanatory.
20. AND, most IMPORTANTLY, NEVER EVER EVER -
ooo, hey look, there's my stories!