Rikkudo
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Joined 02-28-13, id: 4572222, Profile Updated: 12-05-14
Author has written 25 stories for Naruto, Total War series, Elder Scroll series, and Pokémon.

About Me

This is actually a second account which I use for the sole purpose of dumping plot-bunnies whenever they come up. My main account is Duesal Bladesinger, and on it you'll find the stories I've actually put effort into.

The Top Things I'd Do

If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord (List not mine, written by some guy named Peter. I just thought it was genius.)

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity.

It will be in my safe-deposit box.

The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary.

If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.

The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot-soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death.My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!" I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished.It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed.It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat).Either way, there's no point in entering.

As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.

I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.

Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.

I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

I will not outsource core functions.If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.

Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.

I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.

If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.

I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet.Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.

If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.

If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)

If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies.So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.

If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.

I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"

I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction.I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Last Alarm-Book One by firemanjim reviews
An American Firefighter/Paramedic assigned to a private security team, gets caught up in the events leading to the Outbreak in Japan, and runs into a group of high school students and their school nurse along the way.
Highschool of the Dead - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 57 - Words: 781,042 - Reviews: 378 - Favs: 302 - Follows: 302 - Updated: 11/18 - Published: 2/6/2013
Who you callin' Hyuuga? by Ikasury reviews
The Raikage is preparing his village's defenses in the only way he knows how, gaining more power! He's already obtained 2 bijuu, does Kumo really need anything more? Why yes! How about a Hyuuga to start with... and this time, they actually get her... (Long developmental build up, world building, and Chuunin Exams are here!)
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 61 - Words: 712,398 - Reviews: 461 - Favs: 340 - Follows: 325 - Updated: 11/4 - Published: 8/28/2009 - Hinata H., Yugito N., Killer Bee, A/Fourth Raikage
Chiaroscuro by boomvroomshroom reviews
"They say the only thing to fear is fear itself. That, and a motivated Nara." Shikamaru is born with his father's intelligence and his mother's work ethic. The world is turned sideways.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 58 - Words: 265,937 - Reviews: 6331 - Favs: 6,707 - Follows: 7,421 - Updated: 10/28 - Published: 5/23/2015 - Naruto U., Ino Y., Shikamaru N., Kakashi H.
Sticks and Stones by WhenEver Possible reviews
Will break my bones, but words will change the world. A member of Team 7 has had to deal with a voice in their head for their entire life, how much can words change the ninja world? An SI you haven't read before
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 30 - Words: 90,326 - Reviews: 1283 - Favs: 2,589 - Follows: 2,868 - Updated: 8/21 - Published: 9/20/2014 - Sakura H.
Chance for a Prophecy by Dorcyy reviews
You can't stop the flow of time. Its wheel only whirls in one direction. It is impossible for a mere human to change that path. But sometimes the impossible must be done… Naruto time travel fanfiction.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 35 - Words: 362,956 - Reviews: 3935 - Favs: 7,125 - Follows: 7,680 - Updated: 8/13 - Published: 10/14/2012 - Naruto U., Minato N., Kushina U.
Blood Ties by Igornerd reviews
It wasn't enough to have to deal with the Thalmor, the Falmer, and all his other enemies. Now he had to deal with the antics of a blond boy, too. Rating could change because of violence in future chapters.
Crossover - Naruto & Elder Scroll series - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 14 - Words: 138,423 - Reviews: 663 - Favs: 1,011 - Follows: 1,182 - Updated: 7/27 - Published: 4/20/2014 - Naruto U., Dragonborn/Dovahkiin
Blonding by EndoplasmicPanda reviews
Minato Namikaze, the wet-behind-the-ears Fourth Hokage, is still trying to acclimate to his demanding new job. With the prospect of starting a family on the horizon, how will he react to a strange blond boy and his orange-loving father appearing in the middle of his office one afternoon? Post-4th-War-Hokage!Naruto and Boruto timetravel fic.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Adventure - Chapters: 22 - Words: 182,259 - Reviews: 1374 - Favs: 3,514 - Follows: 4,114 - Updated: 6/24 - Published: 9/21/2015 - Naruto U., Minato N., Boruto U. - Complete
Hashirama, World's Worst Matchmaker: Tobirama's Trauma, Toka's revenge by Silverlight10243 reviews
Sequel to Hashirama, World's Worst Matchmaker. After his disastrous matchup regarding Toka and Izuna, Hashirama still isn't satisfied. So when the Uzumaki's requested a marriage alliance between the two villages, he gladly offered his brother up, of course, we all know, Tobirama isn't happy about it and Toka and Izuna are up for revenge. (Microfic, Unfettered Crack, Sitcom)
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 67 - Words: 25,974 - Reviews: 236 - Favs: 94 - Follows: 83 - Updated: 5/5 - Published: 12/6/2013 - Hashirama S., Tobirama S., Tōka S., Mito U. - Complete
Telepathy And Other Kinds Of Mental Manipulations by cherryvvoid reviews
Because you have no idea how irritating hearing the thoughts of the people around you can get. Especially when they're concocting villainous plans and tend to mentally laugh manically. SI-OC. Yamanaka Kekkai Genkai Mutation!OC. Shikamaru/OC
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 23 - Words: 44,906 - Reviews: 1286 - Favs: 3,660 - Follows: 4,746 - Updated: 4/19 - Published: 5/22/2014 - [Shikamaru N., OC] Ino Y., Team Seven
The Windmill Turns Both Ways by Blaizekit reviews
12-year-old Naruto often dreams about the future, but when he is launched four years into it, not everything is as he envisioned. The Fourth World War is just around the corner, and Akatsuki is more dangerous than ever. But hiding and doing nothing has never been Naruto's style. To change the course of history, he searches for the truth about the future, and a way back to the past.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 24 - Words: 228,827 - Reviews: 664 - Favs: 1,342 - Follows: 1,219 - Updated: 4/2 - Published: 9/21/2013 - Naruto U., Orochimaru, Obito U., Team Seven - Complete
Son of the Seven Kingdoms by RantingRyuu728 reviews
William Baratheon is the second son of Robert and Cersei. How will the only legitimate child of the king affect the game of thrones? Will he have the strength to protect the home he's come to love? OCxArya, Crossover with Elder Scrolls.
Crossover - Elder Scroll series & Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 26 - Words: 322,253 - Reviews: 1153 - Favs: 1,502 - Follows: 1,581 - Updated: 1/21 - Published: 5/13/2014 - OC, Arya S.
Lions, Wolves, and Broken Pasts by Awesome Authors Coalition reviews
Ned Stark and Jaime Lannister are both men who've lost everything. But at their lowest points, they find themselves traveling to an all-too-malleable past—and neither of them are alone. [Time Travel Collab, Canon Pairings]
A song of Ice and Fire - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,154 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 103 - Updated: 1/5 - Published: 1/2 - Jaime L., Eddard S./Ned
Echoes by Kagaseo reviews
AU. A modification of the seal holding back the Kyuubi has surprising consequences. When each choice brings about a new world, what will happen when different possibilities collide? Many Naruto wreaking havoc! Complete.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 64 - Words: 661,291 - Reviews: 2340 - Favs: 2,210 - Follows: 1,838 - Updated: 1/1 - Published: 5/28/2011 - Naruto U. - Complete
Uzumaki by AlmostElectric reviews
Uchiha Satsuki, avenger, doesn't love anything, or anyone. Not revenge, not tomatoes, and definitely – definitely! – not Uzumaki Naruto. But when she winds up on a genin team with him, she realises there's more to his smile than teeth and sunshine. Female!Sasuke
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 113,633 - Reviews: 2016 - Favs: 3,360 - Follows: 3,719 - Updated: 12/16/2016 - Published: 3/3/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H.
Not Sick by Ser Serendipity reviews
In one world, after defeating his brother, Itachi Uchiha dropped dead, victim of a mysterious disease, and the future of the ninja world was set for the worse. However, in another, Itachi was not sick. From this small difference, many changes will spring, and many plans will be overturned. The path of the last of the Uchiha, and the world itself, will be altered forever.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 39 - Words: 331,120 - Reviews: 1792 - Favs: 2,103 - Follows: 2,024 - Updated: 8/20/2016 - Published: 11/24/2013 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Itachi U. - Complete
Regressed by MBScavenger1498 reviews
When he was eight, Uzumaki Naruto met a giant fox kit named Kurama. Then he met his father, a weird kid with red eyes started eating lunch with him, and it just kind of snowballed from there. Straight restructuring of the Naruto universe with a different take on the lore and mechanics. Secondary character OC warning.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 44,436 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 111 - Follows: 174 - Updated: 8/19/2016 - Published: 8/18/2013 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Kyuubi/Kurama
Where the Heart Is by Kwizzic reviews
After spending his childhood traversing the globe with Jiraiya, twelve-year-old Naruto Uzumaki has returned to the Hidden Leaf for the first time. (Now on Arc II: Wind Country)
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 18 - Words: 73,355 - Reviews: 254 - Favs: 924 - Follows: 1,117 - Updated: 7/24/2016 - Published: 1/7/2013 - Naruto U., Kiba I., Jiraiya, Team Seven
Pages of Lives by Amequa reviews
Short glimpses into the emotions of various characters throughout canon. Chapter 1: Sakura's Realization
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,184 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 5/18/2016 - Published: 7/9/2015
A Different Legend by Infamous Storm reviews
Naruto is one of the most talented shinobi to have ever graced the ninja world in the past five hundred years. Sadly, he uses his brilliance to get out of work rather than do it himself. Too bad having a fox in your gut complicates things... AU. Mysteries abound. "Suspension of Disbelief" required because of absurdity.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 20 - Words: 81,122 - Reviews: 1396 - Favs: 2,010 - Follows: 2,081 - Updated: 5/13/2016 - Published: 2/13/2013 - Naruto U.
Naruto: Eleven by Geor-sama reviews
Defeated, captured, rescued, exiled. Nii Yugito is an emotional wreck, and the fact that she's attracted to the single loudest ninja to ever exist is not helping matters.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 73,240 - Reviews: 742 - Favs: 2,265 - Follows: 2,567 - Updated: 5/5/2016 - Published: 8/3/2008 - Naruto U., Yugito N.
One Hundred Paw Prints by Belletrist Word Salad reviews
One hundred slices of life as applied to the world of the Naruto Uzumaki who hails from Mount Oinari. [True Tale- and Tapestry-compliant, all pairing types possible, mature themes scattered throughout. All vignettes posted in numerical rather than chronological order. Dedicated to Duesal Bladesinger. Leitmotif: Life in Technicolor ii by Coldplay]
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 11 - Words: 10,481 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 4/25/2016 - Published: 4/9/2015
Actions and Words by Ekusukallybaa reviews
In the aftermath of Orochimaru's Invasion and Itachi's second Tsukuyomi, Sasuke is left with two revelations. The first is that his friends were put in danger because of him. The second is that he will do anything to protect them.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Adventure - Chapters: 21 - Words: 107,125 - Reviews: 595 - Favs: 948 - Follows: 988 - Updated: 4/19/2016 - Published: 1/31/2014 - Sasuke U., Team Seven, Team Hawk, Indra Ō.
Team Kage by PyrothTenka reviews
After the battle with Madara and the Juubi, a fierce argument starts between Naruto and Sasuke over who will become the next Hokage when Tsunade brings up a startling complication. They're both still Genin.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,048 - Reviews: 116 - Favs: 383 - Follows: 449 - Updated: 4/3/2016 - Published: 2/25/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Gaara
Dragonborn in Westeros by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
Colin didn't know who he pissed off, but he woke up cold and hungry in the middle of a snowy wasteland. Being the Dragonborn really sucked sometimes. [A Dragonborn appears Beyond the Wall story.]
Crossover - Elder Scroll series & A song of Ice and Fire - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 12,683 - Reviews: 90 - Favs: 455 - Follows: 596 - Updated: 3/23/2016 - Published: 1/8/2016 - Dragonborn/Dovahkiin, Tormund G., Ygritte
Team 7's Ascension: Blood Wings by Eilyfe reviews
In unity lies strength; each leaf is important or the beauty of the tree is lost. Some bonds, however, are difficult to forge and even harder to keep. The tide of blood nears, drums thunder, and three Genin stand tall as the world spirals into madness. [AU]
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 24 - Words: 205,683 - Reviews: 2086 - Favs: 5,842 - Follows: 4,453 - Updated: 3/8/2016 - Published: 12/22/2013 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Kakashi H. - Complete
Drunken Space-Time Ninjutsu by Igornerd reviews
The day after a wild party to celebrate the end of the war against Madara, Naruto, the remaining Konoha 12 (and some guests) can't help but wonder what happened last night as they wake up in a different Konoha. Time-Travel. Rated for language, alcohol and just to be sure.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 15 - Words: 109,686 - Reviews: 1891 - Favs: 4,039 - Follows: 4,790 - Updated: 1/31/2016 - Published: 12/29/2013 - Naruto U., Minato N.
Of Protection by Wintercitylights reviews
Sarada didn't need imaginary friends; she already had her own secret protector. Fluff and feels. Uchiha family fic
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Family - Chapters: 14 - Words: 18,265 - Reviews: 138 - Favs: 276 - Follows: 323 - Updated: 1/5/2016 - Published: 7/23/2015 - Sasuke U., Sakura H., Itachi U., Sarada U.
A New Dawn by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
Obito is able to seal the Jūbi within himself a bit faster than he expected, fast enough that the Allied Shinobi Forces haven't reached them yet. This leaves Uzumaki Naruto completely at his mercy. He cannot resist when the Ten-Tail's Jinchūriki forces him from his own world. A dimension-hopping story.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 25,901 - Reviews: 295 - Favs: 715 - Follows: 879 - Updated: 12/25/2015 - Published: 3/30/2014
Another Side by peccolia reviews
Laterality-related one-shots that can tie into the existing story or be read as short and sweet standalones.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,799 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 79 - Published: 12/13/2015 - OC
The unPrized Uchiha by princesshyuuga01 reviews
If there was ever something formidable enough to make Uchiha Sasuke cower in fear, it would be his child's likeness to his former self. Deflecting in order to seek power was hereditary it would seem... [Short Story; Five parts only. Inclusive of Epilogue]
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 29,451 - Reviews: 78 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 11/30/2015 - Published: 10/1/2015 - [Sasuke U., Tenten] - Complete
Obito-Sensei by Ser Serendipity reviews
During the fateful mission to the Kannabi Bridge, Obito is too slow, and Kakashi ends up paying the price with his life. Fourteen years later, Legendary Elite Jounin Mangekyou no Obito is placed in charge of a very familiar genin team. Prompt taken from Ekusukallybaa.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 6 - Words: 30,508 - Reviews: 259 - Favs: 684 - Follows: 857 - Updated: 11/22/2015 - Published: 2/28/2014 - Obito U., Team Seven
The Eyes that see Darkness Clearly by YAXON reviews
Madara dwells on Izuna's... er... HIS eyes. For that's what they are now, you see. They're HIS Eternal Mangekyo. And eventually HIS Rinnegan. And Madara feels not an ounce of remorse for claiming his brother's eyes as his own... Companion/Parallel fic to Bright Eyes by Rikkudo. Received permission. Crackfic.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,504 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 3 - Published: 10/24/2015 - Madara U. - Complete
Truths of Team Tobirama by Zise Stars reviews
A behind the scenes look at the madhouse known as Team Tobirama!
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,061 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 10/12/2015 - Published: 9/16/2015
Uchiha Shuffle by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
"You are not him. You lack sorrow. You lack hate. It's not that you've forgotten, but that you were never there." Chaos stirs as Uchiha Sasuke switches places at the worst possible time. A Road to Ninja story.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 10,934 - Reviews: 235 - Favs: 442 - Follows: 622 - Updated: 10/12/2015 - Published: 6/13/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Itachi U., Menma U.
Brothers in Soul by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
Asura speaks to Indra. A poem.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 371 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 20 - Published: 10/11/2015 - Hagoromo Ō, Indra Ō., Ashura Ō.
To Be Lost on the Road of Life by AthanatosOra reviews
Obito became the Jūbi Jinchuuriki and consequently got smacked to oblivion and back, with words and Naruto's fists. He died protecting the hailed boy of prophecy and his bonds, a smile on his face as he went to join Rin and Minato in the afterlife. But things didn't go as expected, and it seems that life has more plans for him… Time-travel.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Adventure - Chapters: 31 - Words: 204,388 - Reviews: 1190 - Favs: 2,483 - Follows: 2,060 - Updated: 10/10/2015 - Published: 4/2/2015 - Obito U.
Random Thoughts and Pointless Action by Ser Serendipity reviews
Alternate Title: Writer's Block Chisel. Disconnected scenes, ridiculous ideas, and other such nonsense. May be funny, may be serious, may be sad. This is my mind's dumping ground. Readers beware. Chapter 14: The Last Shinobi.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 19 - Words: 38,284 - Reviews: 70 - Favs: 65 - Follows: 56 - Updated: 10/6/2015 - Published: 12/11/2013
Prey for the Hunted by Airyo reviews
SasuHina. Once upon a time, there was a princess who was exiled...
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 258,581 - Reviews: 1114 - Favs: 742 - Follows: 768 - Updated: 10/5/2015 - Published: 10/4/2011 - Sasuke U., Hinata H.
In the Wake of Sunbeams by matchaball reviews
Through thick and thin, siblings look out for each other. After all, adventures and mishaps are best when shared. (oneshots for Sunshine Siblings Week)
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 3 - Words: 9,965 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 53 - Follows: 44 - Updated: 10/3/2015 - Published: 9/30/2015 - Naruto U., Hinata H., Boruto U., Himawari U.
The Future is Bleak by Reaper's Blade reviews
Uzumaki Naruto is born a jinchūriki, trained as a shinobi, and he is of Konoha as surely as the sun rises. Uchiha Sasuke is born a shinobi, trained as an Avenger, and more than anything he wants to see Konoha burn. What do you say to someone who stands against everything you believe in? What do you do when they want to destroy what you love? [Not Yaoi]
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,524 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 9 - Published: 9/30/2015 - Naruto U., Sasuke U.
Gilded by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
With loving parents and plenty of friends, unease is the last thing that Naruto should be feeling. But it lingers in the back of his mind, clouding his sight with suspicion and paranoia. Why do his dreams feel so real? Why does he remember things that never were? [COMPLETE]
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 19,726 - Reviews: 209 - Favs: 397 - Follows: 228 - Updated: 9/26/2015 - Published: 7/10/2015 - Naruto U., Minato N., Kushina U. - Complete
Pretzels by PoisonBones reviews
Kankuro encounters Gaara in the kitchen one early morning. Post- Chuunin exams.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,422 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 3 - Published: 9/3/2015 - Gaara, Kankuro
Little Secrets by Satoorihoya reviews
There is a reason why Hinata became manager of the basketball team. [High school AU]
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,242 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 62 - Follows: 26 - Published: 8/26/2015 - [Naruto U., Hinata H.] - Complete
The Unlucky Fox by Gyokuyou-no-Kuugen reviews
Being reborn into the world of Naruto was so not on the list of things I wanted to do with my life. Being a self-imposed exile even less so. SI-OC [Hiatus]
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Angst - Chapters: 19 - Words: 21,379 - Reviews: 235 - Favs: 620 - Follows: 803 - Updated: 8/1/2015 - Published: 5/14/2014 - Kyuubi/Kurama, OC
Don't Go Dreaming by MMCCLX reviews
Naruto begins having strange dreams that appear to let him glimpse the future. But is what these dreams show truly a vision of things to come?
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 12 - Words: 82,893 - Reviews: 88 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 122 - Updated: 7/27/2015 - Published: 6/29/2014 - Naruto U.
unstain our dragons by The King in White reviews
From the burning ruins of Ostagar to the dirty streets of Denerim, Uchiha Sasuke was not the hero anyone would have expected. But he may be the one they need.
Crossover - Naruto & Dragon Age - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 6 - Words: 15,971 - Reviews: 62 - Favs: 151 - Follows: 195 - Updated: 7/25/2015 - Published: 2/20/2012 - Sasuke U., Alistair
Whiskers by Alabaster Ink reviews
Mama didn't have whiskers and Himawari was determined to find out where they went.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,856 - Reviews: 161 - Favs: 964 - Follows: 202 - Published: 5/25/2015 - [Naruto U., Hinata H.] Boruto U., Himawari U. - Complete
If You Listen Closely by Nalei reviews
After the Uchiha Clan Massacre, Itachi leaves Konoha as a wanted criminal. With the offer to join the Akatsuki still standing, he wanders the land mindlessly until he reaches a remote town at the border of Hi no Kuni. Despite the agonizing burden he carries, his heart feels relief after meeting this stubborn person who teaches him what it means to protect someone you truly love.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,187 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 4/15/2015 - Published: 4/14/2015 - Itachi U., Sasuke U., OC
Running in the Shadows by Igornerd reviews
In a world of science, advanced technology and cyberspace hackers, powerful corporations control the world. Deciding the fates of masses that inhabit the urban sprawls. Yet in the corners of society, the ostracized live their lives in secret, running in the shadows. AU. Rated T for violence and language.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 5 - Words: 33,348 - Reviews: 111 - Favs: 177 - Follows: 181 - Updated: 3/28/2015 - Published: 4/16/2014 - Naruto U.
Ninja of the Leaf by Warlord1096 reviews
Uzumaki Naruto is just another ninja of Konoha, trying to survive his time in service with nothing but his guts and his kunai to back him up. It's hard when he possesses no special ability, has no legendary bloodline, and the seal on his stomach locks the nine-tailed demon and its abilities away completely. He doesn't know about that last bit, though. Highly AU.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 4 - Words: 11,403 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 68 - Updated: 3/17/2015 - Published: 12/24/2014 - Naruto U.
To Be the Will of Fire by hambaagu reviews
Through an unexpected series of events, Haruno Sakura discovers her connection to the legendary Second God of Shinobi. What happens next will rip and reweave the fabric of possibilities and test Sakura beyond her fragile limits. AU.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Friendship - Chapters: 9 - Words: 32,775 - Reviews: 318 - Favs: 615 - Follows: 749 - Updated: 1/19/2015 - Published: 5/1/2013 - Sakura H., Akatsuki, Hashirama S., Team Seven
A Different Godaime by Igornerd reviews
Things went differently during the night of the sealing. Ten years later, Naruto Uzumaki is at it again... One-shot.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,795 - Reviews: 78 - Favs: 370 - Follows: 168 - Published: 12/27/2014 - [Minato N., Kushina U.] Naruto U., Sasuke U.
A Very Naruto Christmas by daniel-gudman reviews
Honestly this is probably even more ridiculous than what you're imagining.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 50,216 - Reviews: 137 - Favs: 408 - Follows: 284 - Updated: 12/24/2014 - Published: 12/21/2011 - Naruto U., Jiraiya, Tenten, Orochimaru
A Dream of Winter by Zenthisoror reviews
Juugo's clan are coming down the mountain; Itachi's been sent back to Konoha by the Akatsuki to investigate the visitors; 16 year old Sasuke might not quite be in his right mind - the future of 3 years on that 13 year old Sasuke has been brought into is about to give him more questions than answers, and Naruto doesn't want to answer them, but is all really as it seems?
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Mystery/Fantasy - Chapters: 6 - Words: 52,892 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 61 - Follows: 100 - Updated: 11/29/2014 - Published: 3/13/2014 - Sasuke U., Naruto U., Orochimaru, Itachi U.
Minato's: The Art of Being Dead by PyrothTenka reviews
Trust the Yondaime to turn death into a minor inconvenience.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Humor - Chapters: 20 - Words: 48,886 - Reviews: 1035 - Favs: 2,680 - Follows: 2,982 - Updated: 10/26/2014 - Published: 12/1/2013 - Naruto U., Minato N., Kushina U.
Absolution by The Part-Timer reviews
She never intended to give birth to a bastard child, but she did. At least now she wouldn't be alone. Hinata-centric. Will be continued if the prologue receives feedback.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 10 - Words: 28,163 - Reviews: 59 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 33 - Updated: 10/10/2014 - Published: 1/2/2014
Hands of Time by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
The creation of an ascended being puts a strain on reality. A little too much effort on his part or even just a slight loss of control may very well result in a tear—a warping of time and space itself. Unfortunately, Naruto and Sasuke have to pay the consequences. [Time-Travel. Warring Clans Era. No Yaoi. No Bashing.]
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 7 - Words: 38,124 - Reviews: 525 - Favs: 1,477 - Follows: 1,922 - Updated: 9/3/2014 - Published: 7/21/2013 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Kyuubi/Kurama
Sai's Library by Zenthisoror reviews
Sai's collection of self-help books has expanded since the War, but who are all these strange midnight visitors so desperate to get at his shelf? Rumours are flying that an ex-Konoha ninja with a penchant for self-improvement disguised precious research as a self-help manual. As editors and enemy ninjas descend on Konoha, will Sai be able to finish reading his new book?
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 14,575 - Reviews: 39 - Favs: 84 - Follows: 93 - Updated: 9/2/2014 - Published: 7/21/2014 - Sai, Sasuke U.
For Family by Nanuk888 reviews
What if Vader, wanting to be with his son again, had taken a very different approach after Luke escapes him at Bespin? How far would he go to regain what he has lost? COMPLETE
Star Wars - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 25 - Words: 155,141 - Reviews: 888 - Favs: 1,936 - Follows: 1,085 - Updated: 8/24/2014 - Published: 1/31/2011 - Luke S., Leia O., Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker - Complete
The Clan Wars by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
Don't read this. I'm just too stubborn to delete it.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 13 - Words: 61,177 - Reviews: 308 - Favs: 501 - Follows: 543 - Updated: 8/8/2014 - Published: 3/1/2013 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Hagoromo Ō
Fox, Hawk and Flower by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
The building of friendships, the parting of ways, the finding of paths and the making of legends.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 579 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 111 - Follows: 39 - Published: 7/14/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Team Seven - Complete
Persuasion by Duesal Bladesinger reviews
Kaguya speaks to Naruto. A poem.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 160 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 110 - Follows: 41 - Published: 7/11/2014 - Naruto U., Kaguya Ō. - Complete
Ambivalence by Nalei reviews
Konohagakure turns on Uzushiogakure during the Third Shinobi World War, deeming them as a threat because of their formidable fūinjutsu. Kushina, a young, newly promoted captain of a dropout scouting squad due to the shortage of war potential, is captured by a certain blond deep within enemy territory. And if it wasn't bad enough already - she's falling for this idiot!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 26,307 - Reviews: 245 - Favs: 119 - Follows: 128 - Updated: 7/8/2014 - Published: 6/22/2013 - [Kushina U., Minato N.]
Dancing Leaves by skyisthelimit reviews
No matter the era, the leaves will flutter as they fall, marking the trials of a village, the blooming of a woman, and the growth of a boy in to a man, a man who will eventually earn the title Fire Shadow. Pre-Naruto. MinaKush.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 35,602 - Reviews: 55 - Favs: 113 - Follows: 143 - Updated: 6/29/2014 - Published: 3/12/2013 - Minato N., Kushina U.
An Unexpected Adventure in the Minds of Others by Zenthisoror reviews
The Sage of the Six Paths had planned his Grand Entrance to perfection. That plan had not involved arriving early and getting lost on the outer perimeters of Naruto and Sasuke's Minds. Since neither Mind wants to die any time soon, guides have been sent to help the Sage get back on schedule. (Spoilers post-Chapter 669, a vaguely surreal meandering tour, borders on crack)
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 11,403 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 188 - Follows: 70 - Published: 6/25/2014 - Hagoromo Ō, Kyuubi/Kurama, Orochimaru - Complete
The Sharingan Fairy by Kyong Kybis reviews
Once upon a time, his mother told him the tale of the Sharingan fairy, who would gift the Uchiha with their doujutsu in times of great need. After he lost everything that fateful night, he has all but forgotten about her. But when his classmates show worrying signs of possessing the Sharingan, Sasuke has no choice but to figure out why the hell she has decided to visit all of them.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,624 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 125 - Follows: 186 - Updated: 6/14/2014 - Published: 5/30/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Danzō S.
But I AM Madara! by Kyong Kybis reviews
13 year-old Madara is just having a competition with Hashirama, when he suddenly finds himself in the Uchiha compound in Konoha. Wait. Since when does his clan live in a village? And why do people insist that his name isn't Madara? But at least he has found a new friend who helps him paint the face on the mountain – which reminds him greatly of his eternal rival and friend.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Family - Chapters: 16 - Words: 89,345 - Reviews: 507 - Favs: 995 - Follows: 1,061 - Updated: 6/9/2014 - Published: 3/4/2013 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Madara U., Hashirama S.
Secrets by The Part-Timer reviews
Kushina has two secrets. One was the Kyuubi. The other was something much, much worse. And then Minato came along and loved her anyway. MinatoxKushina, SLIGHT AU.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 10,824 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 5/28/2014 - Published: 2/16/2014 - Minato N., Kushina U.
Uzumaki Treasure by Cassie's Bedlam reviews
Time-Travel fic. She appeared out of nowhere, protected by the chakra of a fallen Uzumaki. Uzumaki Mito named her Takara as she was once treasured by an Uzumaki. Takara, who would become her dearest friend. Takara, who claims to remember nothing. Takara, who will change the shinobi world for the Uzumaki who treasured her. Takara with her pink hair and green eyes.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 17 - Words: 38,045 - Reviews: 394 - Favs: 1,377 - Follows: 1,381 - Updated: 5/26/2014 - Published: 10/11/2013 - Sakura H., Mito U.
Naruto Catches a Goblin by JellyfishBlues reviews
In which Naruto catches a goblin, claims that Sasuke laughs like a monkey, sort of learns to read, and other tales of idiocy. :: Oneshot compilation :: ongoing :: much stupider than it sounds ::
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 21 - Words: 26,296 - Reviews: 141 - Favs: 105 - Follows: 78 - Updated: 5/22/2014 - Published: 9/3/2012 - Naruto U.
Chasing Yesterday by The King in White reviews
Rokudaime Hokage Uchiha Sasuke is a man with nothing beyond duty to the dead. Yet when a second chance comes from the lips of a demon, his battles begin anew... REWRITING.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 22 - Words: 183,143 - Reviews: 1447 - Favs: 3,366 - Follows: 3,313 - Updated: 5/17/2014 - Published: 3/5/2012 - [Sasuke U., Naruko U.] Itachi U., Hinata H.
Swinging Pendulum by cyan96 reviews
The fabric of time and space is more delicate than one would imagine, especially when seals are practically made to tear a hole in their workings. The traveller in question isn't exactly whooping for joy to be in the past. And five-year old Jiraiya certainly hadn't expected to stumble upon the enigma known as Uzumaki Naruto. Timetravel.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 32,777 - Reviews: 234 - Favs: 1,067 - Follows: 1,301 - Updated: 4/23/2014 - Published: 11/13/2013 - Naruto U., Orochimaru, Jiraiya, Tsunade S.
One Chance by chica blanca reviews
Revenge never tasted so bitter. It never was supposed to be this useless waste of life. Now Sasuke has a chance to go back and change everything. ***THIS IS UPDATED ON AO3***
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 19 - Words: 37,731 - Reviews: 499 - Favs: 1,084 - Follows: 1,392 - Updated: 4/13/2014 - Published: 12/6/2009 - Sasuke U.
Naruto Haiku by Ser Serendipity reviews
Naruto Haiku/Characters, Nations, Jutsu/All may be found here
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 49 - Words: 846 - Reviews: 107 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 4/5/2014 - Published: 1/28/2014
Rights of Succession by Ekusukallybaa reviews
Six months after Orochimaru's appointment to the position of Fourth Hokage, a certain man discovers the horrifying truth behind Konoha's new leader's power. Now, Namikaze Minato, S-Rank criminal of the Leaf, leads an insurgency against the Snake Sannin from within the borders of the Land of Fire.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 11,228 - Reviews: 67 - Favs: 199 - Follows: 258 - Updated: 3/17/2014 - Published: 4/2/2013 - [Minato N., Kushina U.] Kakashi H.
Dead Cats by Kyong Kybis reviews
Kushina likes the color of blood and hates the color of tomatoes. In which a curious boy intends to solve a paradox and gets slapped in the face for his efforts. OneShot
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,106 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 4 - Published: 3/10/2014 - Minato N., Kushina U. - Complete
Himesama by Bakunawa reviews
femNarutoxSasuke. AU. Random one-shots. Un-beta-ed. Where Naruto was born a girl, Minato survived the Kyuubi attack and became an overly protective father, and Sasuke falls in love with a princess.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 15 - Words: 14,771 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 207 - Follows: 198 - Updated: 2/12/2014 - Published: 12/27/2011 - Naruto U., Sasuke U.
Please Drink Responsibly When Saving the World by Zenthisoror reviews
Kakashi has been left by Minato to get Obito off the battlefield, but he never counted on the Kamui dimension being picky about what went into it, nor on Obito's stash of Awamori, and most certainly not the chance that the two might get drunk enough to attempt to save the world. (Crack, definitely crack, post Chapter 655, one shot)
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,054 - Reviews: 85 - Favs: 463 - Follows: 100 - Published: 2/11/2014 - Kakashi H., Obito U. - Complete
Youthful Endeavors by That One Eccedentesiast reviews
Due to unspecified events, Kakashi Hatake is now seven years old and he'd really, really just like to go hide in his apartment please. Complete with epilogue and alternate ending!
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Adventure - Chapters: 28 - Words: 23,665 - Reviews: 283 - Favs: 183 - Follows: 91 - Updated: 2/9/2014 - Published: 1/5/2014 - Naruto U., Sakura H., Kakashi H., Sai - Complete
The Spring of the Plague by Zenthisoror reviews
When Konoha ninja return from investigating one of Orochimaru's laboratories, they bring back a devastating strain of chakra bacterium - Kimimaro's sickness developed into a bioweapon. As Naruto and his surviving friends struggle to live in Plague-stricken Konoha, Madara plots, an anti-ninja cult demands repentance, and, in the midst of it all, Sasuke seeks a perfect revenge.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Mystery/Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 137,394 - Reviews: 286 - Favs: 290 - Follows: 142 - Updated: 2/1/2014 - Published: 9/14/2013 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Madara U., Neji H. - Complete
Genius and Insanity by Ekusukallybaa reviews
Tales in the life of an Itachi who had the distinct misfortune of being placed on a time-traveling Naruto's genin team. Nonmassacre, Flashfic.
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 2,050 - Reviews: 90 - Favs: 396 - Follows: 366 - Updated: 1/31/2014 - Published: 1/28/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Itachi U., Mikoto U.
Of Black and White and Grey by The Part-Timer reviews
Sakura doesn't know this new Sasuke, and it scares her.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,081 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 2 - Published: 1/20/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H. - Complete
Brothers in Arms by limadude120 reviews
When Minato died, he sealed the Kyuubi in both Naruto and Sasuke. Both grow up practically as brothers, sharing a close bond, a bond that is tested through the years. One is exalted, the other shunned by the village. One is a hard worker, the other a genius. Alone, they are strong. Together, they have the potential to become great legends. Not yaoi. And Itachi's still with Konoha!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 14 - Words: 69,229 - Reviews: 108 - Favs: 262 - Follows: 281 - Updated: 1/19/2014 - Published: 3/20/2012 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Itachi U.
Order of Arrival by Ekusukallybaa reviews
Sasuke arrives before Jiraiya at the small hotel in Tanzaku-Gai, where his brother and Kisame confront Naruto, and Itachi makes a decision with horrifying, long-lasting consequences. Oneshot.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 888 - Reviews: 75 - Favs: 346 - Follows: 83 - Published: 12/27/2013 - Sasuke U., Itachi U. - Complete
Studies by Brackets002 reviews
Oneshots as part of a singular story, if that makes sense. Calvin and Hobbes growing up together, as several people around them suddenly start seeing an anthropomorphic tiger.
Calvin & Hobbes - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 6,670 - Reviews: 96 - Favs: 140 - Follows: 128 - Updated: 12/13/2013 - Published: 12/15/2012 - Calvin, Hobbes, Susie Derkins
Hashirama, World's Worst Matchmaker by Silverlight10243 reviews
In which Hashirama decides to solve the issues of clan politics through the rather... uncanny methods of marriage and his rival, Madara Uchiha's blind little brother becomes the first victim. Tobirama is flabbergasted, Madara is fuming, Toka is enraged, Izuna is shocked. Hashirama really isn't the world's brightest matchmaker... (Microfic, Crackfic, Sitcom) Sequel up!
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 31 - Words: 5,580 - Reviews: 99 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 12/7/2013 - Published: 10/31/2013 - Izuna U., Hashirama S., Tobirama S., Tōka S. - Complete
Visits to the Cosa Nostra by Cael05 reviews
The Doctor makes sure a certain universe's event does not result in the collapse of reality due to temporal paradox. And to do this, he would have to know the dealings within the Mafia. A collection of interrelated, non-sequential DWxKHR one-shots.
Crossover - Doctor Who & Katekyo Hitman Reborn! - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,788 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 18 - Published: 12/3/2013 - 10th Doctor, 11th Doctor, Vongola 10th Generation - Complete
Naruhime by enzhe reviews
Think the Yondaime Hokage is scary? Try asking out his daughter. AU, FemNaru, crack, fluff, series of short one shots.
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,737 - Reviews: 171 - Favs: 851 - Follows: 776 - Updated: 10/5/2013 - Published: 4/13/2011 - Naruto U., Minato N., Naruko U.
To Really Know Someone by ncpfan reviews
They all labeled Naruto, whether as village pariah or village hero. Kurenai was no exception at first, but a few years after the 4th Shinobi War, she begins to see...and love...the real Naruto. Rating raised to M for references to Zetsu's cannibalism.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 171,012 - Reviews: 616 - Favs: 1,481 - Follows: 1,267 - Updated: 9/16/2013 - Published: 8/8/2011 - Naruto U., Kurenai Y.
worth in the end by QuoteMyFoot reviews
Zabuza and Kiri and a dying dream. What sort of man kills a hundred, yet cries at the death of one? Oneshot. Character study.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,002 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 19 - Published: 9/9/2013 - Zabuza M. - Complete
Lines on My Face from the Word of God by Zenthisoror reviews
Masashi Kishimoto drew those lines on Itachi's face - now some Naruto characters find themselves contemplating what those lines actually are. In three parts, it's time to get to the bottom of those lines.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,263 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 129 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 9/8/2013 - Published: 9/4/2013 - Itachi U., Akatsuki, Kakashi H., Sasuke U. - Complete
The Cubey by Dorylus reviews
Kurama never quite got over his accident in sealing.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 900 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 9 - Published: 9/6/2013 - Naruto U., Kyuubi/Kurama - Complete
The Long-haired Girl by Zenthisoror reviews
Ino finally tells Sakura the truth behind her idea that Sasuke has a thing for long-haired girls.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,495 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 17 - Published: 9/1/2013 - Ino Y., Sakura H., Sasuke U. - Complete
Hogyoku ex Machina by Mac Ceallach reviews
In the final battle with Aizen a different choice is made, and now Ichigo and his greatest enemy have gone back to the beginning. His best friends are powerless, his allies don't know him, and everything he loves is in danger. No non-canon pairings. Complete, with the sequel now posted.
Bleach - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 19 - Words: 172,592 - Reviews: 1788 - Favs: 5,357 - Follows: 2,148 - Updated: 6/24/2013 - Published: 10/30/2010 - Ichigo K. - Complete
Make Believe by cassirycake reviews
He likes to make them all believe he does it all without even trying. The best part of believe is lie.
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Hurt/Comfort/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 253 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 1 - Published: 5/13/2013 - Shikamaru N. - Complete
Fukushu by ZakuroU reviews
A poem written about Sasuke's quest for vengeance.
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 130 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 5 - Published: 5/1/2013 - Complete
The Talk by The Un-Wanted Angel reviews
It's a bond in which every father looks forward to telling his son: The key roll and facts of becoming a man. This just happens to be the same "talk" every teenager dreads. (rated M for saftey)
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,315 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 72 - Follows: 27 - Published: 2/24/2013 - Naruto U., Minato N. - Complete
Turn of the Tides by Captiosus reviews
After the extinction of the Flood, the Chief and company find themselves in a new world, where the rules have changed and magic is real. New allies, new enemies, and more bloodshed than you can shake a stick at! Halo x Inheritance Cycle
Crossover - Halo & Inheritance Cycle - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 49,056 - Reviews: 173 - Favs: 149 - Follows: 164 - Updated: 12/25/2012 - Published: 3/13/2011 - Master Chief/John-117, Eragon S.
Mixed With the Lightning of Slaughter by Dayadhvam reviews
He keeps dreaming of a future gone to hell, but it's irrational to imagine that his visions would actually happen, right? Or so Sasuke thinks… but there are too many coincidences that prevent him from dismissing his dreams as mere illusions. Timetravel. (A/N: under revision.)
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 15 - Words: 45,477 - Reviews: 652 - Favs: 943 - Follows: 1,033 - Updated: 9/11/2012 - Published: 12/26/2007 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H.
Itachi is a Massive Troll by Ekusukallybaa reviews
Itachi and Sasuke have a conversation during the Fourth Shinobi World War. It doesn't turn out the way that Sasuke expects it to. Oneshot.
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 295 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 167 - Follows: 42 - Published: 6/6/2012 - Itachi U., Sasuke U. - Complete
Will of Foxfire by Quill of Molliemon reviews
AU, no bijuu, follows "Fox Moon". Naruto has secrets and Sasuke wants to please his father. Oh, and there's Orochimaru, plotting Kitsune, unfortunate werewolves, assorted demons, mysterious elders, simmering tensions, attempted murder, unhappy mothers...
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 61 - Words: 258,323 - Reviews: 937 - Favs: 1,146 - Follows: 556 - Updated: 8/19/2011 - Published: 6/26/2010 - [Minato N., Kushina U.] Naruto U., Sasuke U. - Complete
The Two Of Us by QuoteMyFoot reviews
A collection of oneshots in the 20 Truths format. Creative licence will be used to the full. 15: Jiraiya never had children. But then again, he did have Minato, and that was enough.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Angst - Chapters: 15 - Words: 15,181 - Reviews: 117 - Favs: 265 - Follows: 155 - Updated: 7/14/2011 - Published: 8/12/2009 - Jiraiya, Minato N.
Better to Honour by QuoteMyFoot reviews
Danzo could have been a hero. Oneshot.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,499 - Reviews: 168 - Favs: 993 - Follows: 200 - Published: 4/9/2010 - Danzō S., Hiruzen S. - Complete
Bonds by laurelsblue reviews
Tobirama contemplates his team during a quiet moment in the First War.
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 307 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 3 - Published: 3/7/2010 - Tobirama S. - Complete
Legends of the Obsidian King by Kraken's Ghost reviews
Some legends are born and some legends are made. Uchiha Itachi's legend just is.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,892 - Reviews: 210 - Favs: 568 - Follows: 514 - Updated: 10/2/2009 - Published: 8/14/2008 - Itachi U.
Time of No Return by hakanamu reviews
With nothing to gain but everything to lose, Minato risked a last-minute addition to the Shiki Fuuin. He succeeded in wiping Kyuubi from the past, only to discover he had also invalidated his own future…
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 19,377 - Reviews: 270 - Favs: 409 - Follows: 563 - Updated: 2/21/2009 - Published: 1/25/2009 - Minato N., Naruto U.
Sins of the Father by laurelsblue reviews
aren't always visited upon the children. Shikamaru practices forgiveness with an unlikely candidate.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,236 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 1 - Published: 10/5/2008 - Shikamaru N. - Complete
The Art of the Deal by Case13 reviews
No one starts on top of the world. Bereft of his dream, or even a chance for it, Uzumaki Naruto starts his own path to the top of the world.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 4 - Words: 38,546 - Reviews: 1239 - Favs: 3,331 - Follows: 2,929 - Updated: 5/23/2008 - Published: 5/5/2007 - Naruto U., Anko M.
Twenty Times Uzumaki Naruto Didn't Die by Kraken's Ghost reviews
Over time, Naruto learns what it means to be Jinchuuriki. Final in 'Matters, Secrets, and Times.'
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Drama/Supernatural - Chapters: 1 - Words: 14,849 - Reviews: 644 - Favs: 3,156 - Follows: 658 - Published: 1/22/2008 - Naruto U., Kyuubi/Kurama - Complete
Twenty Unknown Secrets of Maito Gai by Kraken's Ghost reviews
Everyone has secrets. Gai is just good at keeping his. Second in 'Matters, Secrets, and Times.'
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,804 - Reviews: 142 - Favs: 962 - Follows: 161 - Published: 8/23/2007 - Gai M., Kyuubi/Kurama - Complete
Troubling New Developments by SicTransitGloria reviews
Kakashi takes a moment to wrap his mind around equating Ino’s chest with enemy shinobi while Asuma begins beating his head against the table and groaning about how he didn’t sign up for this. Rated for language and the general horror that is puberty
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,149 - Reviews: 605 - Favs: 3,984 - Follows: 566 - Published: 4/8/2007 - Kakashi H., Asuma S. - Complete
Twenty Matters of Pride to Hyuuga Neji by Kraken's Ghost reviews
All Hyuuga are proud. Neji measures his pride differently. First in 'Matters, Secrets, and Times.'
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,722 - Reviews: 362 - Favs: 1,669 - Follows: 255 - Published: 11/12/2006 - Neji H. - Complete
Bindings by Silverlight reviews
Team 7 and the ties that bind.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 424 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 10 - Published: 5/28/2005
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A Journal of a Holy War reviews
We are the Uesugi, and through the strength of our faith Japan will be ours!
Total War series - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 2,680 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 11/22/2015 - Published: 5/26/2015 - Complete
Lost Cause reviews
Some people will always fight. Itachi just wishes that he didn't have to be involved. Fem!Naruto/Sasuke, Short Drabbles. Backstory to 'A New Dawn' on my main account Duesal Bladesinger.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 8,684 - Reviews: 175 - Favs: 338 - Follows: 409 - Updated: 11/20/2015 - Published: 12/23/2014 - [Sasuke U., Naruko U.] Itachi U.
The E-Rank reviews
Naruto has annoyed Tsunade for the last time. Not to be taken seriously. Yes, that means this is crack.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 185 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 6 - Published: 11/18/2015 - Naruto U., Iruka U., Tsunade S.
Torpedo reviews
Because there are ships and they are meant to be sunk.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,953 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 18 - Published: 11/8/2015 - [Kyuubi/Kurama, Mito U.]
The Line is not Broken reviews
Minato Namikaze never did find out who his parents were. Tsunade made sure of that. One-shot.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 945 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 123 - Follows: 45 - Published: 10/25/2015 - Naruto U., Jiraiya, Tsunade S., Minato N.
The Wrong Ninetails reviews
Someone else got to the Ninetails first. Crackfic.
Crossover - Pokémon & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 588 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 10 - Published: 10/2/2015
Raven reviews
The life and times of Uchiha Sasuke. A poem.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 268 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 3 - Published: 10/1/2015 - Sasuke U.
Twenty Times of Uzumaki Kushina reviews
Since the day she was born, Kushina has developed a taste for defiance.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,022 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 29 - Updated: 9/22/2015 - Published: 1/28/2015 - Kushina U.
Corrupted reviews
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 231 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 2 - Published: 9/22/2015 - Hagoromo Ō, Kaguya Ō., Hamura Ō.
Bright Eyes reviews
Izuna rambles in the afterlife.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Supernatural/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,399 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 9/20/2015 - Published: 10/23/2014 - Izuna U.
In tha Belly of tha Dirtnap God reviews
When trapped up in tha belly of tha Shinigami fo' all Eternity, even da most thugged-out bitta of enemies can come ta a understanding. In which Minato befriendz his half of tha Kyūbi.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,536 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 9/10/2015 - Minato N., Kyuubi/Kurama, Shinigami
Cleaning up After Sasuke reviews
Sasuke's defection caused a great host of problems for the Leaf, including but not limited to the hospitalization of six promising genin. But it was Itachi who had to deal with the mother of all migraines. One-Shot.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 679 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 4 - Published: 9/6/2015
The Gods Must Be Crazy reviews
The Dragonborn finds out the hard way that the Divines have a terrible sense of direction. First step of a dimension/hopping plot-bunny.
Elder Scroll series - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 620 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 4 - Published: 7/12/2015 - Dragonborn/Dovahkiin
Never Underestimate Naruto reviews
Drabbles on the Naruto-verse. Independent chapters. Frequent updates.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 14 - Words: 12,971 - Reviews: 53 - Favs: 58 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 12/2/2014 - Published: 6/8/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U.
Naruto Counts to One Million reviews
Come up with a worse idea. I dare you.
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 11,864 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 51 - Updated: 11/25/2014 - Published: 4/18/2014 - Naruto U.
Showdown reviews
From the rise of Kaguya to the final showdown. A poem.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 338 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 6 - Published: 11/1/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Team Seven - Complete
Kakashi and the OC reviews
Kakashi and his pairing have a little chat.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 446 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 10 - Published: 10/31/2014 - Kakashi H., OC - Complete
Team Gai reviews
Team Gai poetry.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 111 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Published: 7/27/2014 - Lee R., Neji H., Tenten, Gai M.
Memories of Things To Be reviews
There's nothing more disorienting than knowing things that haven't happened yet . . . by REMEMBERING them. In which Kakashi thinks he's going insane.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,699 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 162 - Follows: 234 - Updated: 7/24/2014 - Published: 6/28/2014 - Kakashi H., Rin, Minato N., Obito U.
Naruto Haikus reviews
Some poetry by an amateur poet. Try your best to guess who each haiku is about.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 97 - Reviews: 12 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 7/23/2014 - Published: 7/21/2014
Reunion reviews
Sasuke comes back to Team Seven. A poem.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 165 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 5 - Published: 7/11/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H.
Just you wait reviews
In which Sasuke tells Itachi to watch his back. A poem.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 143 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 2 - Published: 7/10/2014 - Sasuke U., Itachi U.
Another Way reviews
In a world where Madara and Obito prevailed, a world where Naruto was the last man standing. Just as he was about truly lose himself to despair, he was given another chance—a whole new life. The only problem is . . . it's in the past by about 50-odd years. Jiraiya just got a whole lot more annoying, and Orochimaru is even more of a bastard than before!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,476 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 29 - Published: 6/27/2014 - Naruto U., Kyuubi/Kurama
A New Dawn reviews
Obito is able to seal the Jūbi within himself a bit faster than he expected, fast enough that the Allied Shinobi Forces haven't reached them yet. This leaves Uzumaki Naruto completely at his mercy. He cannot resist when the Ten-Tail's Jinchūriki forces him from his own world. A dimension-hopping story.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 54 - Reviews: 137 - Favs: 151 - Follows: 199 - Updated: 3/30/2014 - Published: 12/21/2013 - Naruto U.
Alternate Chapters and Various Plot Bunnies reviews
Exactly what the title says.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,446 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 3 - Published: 11/8/2013 - Naruto U.
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