Author has written 7 stories for Justice League, Danny Phantom, Batman, Alex Rider, and Young Justice.
If you love KodiakWolfe13 more than you love Fanfiction, paste this into your profile. (Kodi is my twin-sister! :D)(I love to stalk her! I like watching her sleep, and *whispers* I even know where she lives. Don't tell her that, though! ;)
THREE K PLUS
Hello~ :D SweetyKinz here! cx
I'm just an itty bitty, 16 year-old nerd that likes DC comics, video games, anime, and cartoons :D I have a really slow and quite terrible writing process, but I'm currently working on attempts to fix this issue! I would like to start to doing weekly updates, every Friday. And by this, I mean that I'll post something every Friday, whether it be a one-shot or a new chapter to one of my stories. One-shots will most likely be seen a lot, because I have way too many plot bunnies than I know what to do with, but I will do my best to finish each and every one of my stories as soon as possible!
I'm also trying to work on my writing, since I haven't been particularly happy with the way things have been going with my stories~ So let's just say that this is me now getting off my butt and going for it (Eventually xD)
Some facts about me (purely out of boredom. You can read it if you're just as bored as I am, because you have to be to want to read a bunch of facts about a random stranger):
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? A kind of oval shaped one on my knee, I got from falling off of a moped, which was later stolen but whatever xD
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Seeing as I haven't redecorated my room yet (one day *stares off into the distance*) I just have some paintings me and my sister made years ago.
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? Ooh, I used to grind my teeth when I was little but I stopped now :D
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? I rarely listen to music so... xD
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? I've been told two in the afternoon, but that's probably not even the right time.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? FOR MAY TO COME AND GO.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? I miss the feeling of an empty bladder, because I really have to pee right now (TMI, but who cares?)
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)? I can't answer this because I don't have an answer Dx
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 4'10''
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? Nope, never have~ Small spaces are great for me since I'm so fun-sized!
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? I cherish darkness. I'm nocturnal and work best at night (It's 5:30 in the morning right now).
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? I honestly can't even remember, man xD
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL? I dun know, man! I don't wear that!
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Black hair and blue eyes, which literally is non-existent in the real world *sobs*
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO? That's a dumb question that can literally have so many answers?
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? I live off of coffee :D Energy drinks are so nasty.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? I love classic cheese and pep!
18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Cereal! Captain Crunch Berries, to be specific~
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? This is also a dumb question xD But no, I don't like fish, let alone people's pet fish.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED? The first? I don't know, the gift of having a awesome life with amazing parents who suffered so that we wouldn't?
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? No, I don't, and I haven't really had any true crushes which probably is weird but *shrugs* One crush that I had I made cry by accident because I slammed his face into the monkey bars in Kindergarten xD
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? That's a resound no from me.
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? I dun know, I kind of like the Hollister clothes that I steal from my sister~ xD
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? I have a dog that literally everyone hates but we love him~ :D
27. WHAT KIND IS IT? He's a Lhasa Apso, which are Asian dogs from Tibet that used to bark at intruders in the temple. In our modern setting, this barking is very annoying T.T
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Yeah, because it's the journey of falling in love that matters and if they're leaving, then what's the big deal? The memories are still there, and you can still talk and maybe even try something long-distance~ (Which works, no matter what anyone says. My sister and her boyfriend are proof of that xD)
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Through truthful words, but I always resort to humor in times like that so that conversation wouldn't go down well xD
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: I don't know why, but I just though green, which has five words. SO FIVE.
31. BLONDE'S OR BRUNETTES? Brunettes, of course :D Nothing against blondes, though xD ("Why you always have to end your sentence in tho, tho?")
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? I literally never call anyone (besides my parents) except occasionally a good friend of mine, who is the Appa to my Nyla :) (LOVE YOU, APPA!) (Avatar references are a thing between us, if you couldn't tell. (Nyla is the "June lady"'s mole that has a good sense of smell))
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? I'm really a go with the flow person so only serious things annoy me, like disrespecting your parents that have done a lot for you (*cough*sister*cough*)
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? Yes. I lived in Germany for a few years, and I've been to twelve countries in total.
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? My friends,my laziness, holding a conversation with a stranger without freaking out, and I guess other stuff? xD
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Yes, the most notable being the literal Batman, Kevin Conroy :D
37. FIRST JOB? I guess my babysitting job now, but I only get paid like a dollar an hour xD
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Of course I have, and the way we've done them have been epic and hilarious!
41.WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT? Making that list about interesting facts about me, up top~
40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? Kind of, maybe?
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? How I look, for whatever reason *sweat drops* I used to get compliments on my hair almost every day when I had it dyed, but it's back to black for me! Whoop.
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? NO, AND I CAN GET THEM BUT I REALLY DON'T NEED THEM SO NEVER!
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? I just want to have a fun time with my friends and family and eat some cake xD
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? I want two boys. One named Kaiden "Kai" and the other being named Damian Wayne *insert future last name here* (Also, yes, I am a fangirl. No, I don't care xD And when I wrote Damian, I first put Damoan and that really scared me xD)
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name is my aunt's first name! I don't know why because- well, let's just say that our relationship is complicated and put it at that xD
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? I don't and I didn't know that people actually did that in real life?
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? Sauve right now, and next will be whatever the heck my mom decides on :D
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I guess so? I mean, it's not sloppy and has improved a lot so xD
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Spam! (And no, I do not live in Hawaii xD)
52. ANY BAD HABITS? The one that left my arm all scarred up T.T
53 WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF? First of all, I don't have shelf let alone a CD..?
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I always said that I wouldn't like myself, but my twin-sissy Kodi is literally me in a different body, so I guess that would be a yes!
56. DO LOOKS MATTER? Honestly, yes. But not as much as personality, so~
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? I usually go really silent until it passes~
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? I don't have one :o
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop, and who cared if the two were so totally different? We used them all the same way~
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? Not that many because who the hell needs a bunch of random numbers? I only have my family, my two best friends, and a few other people, so under ten~
62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID? I actually don't really recall watching him all that often xD I mostly watched Avatar: the Last Airbender, Blues Clues, and Ben 10, literally every single day. (Blues Clues because it was on AFN every morning when we got ready for school. But then they started playing Ben 10: Alien Force or Ultimate Alien (one of those) and we switched to that) (Why am I talking about this when they only asked for Barney?)
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? All the frikkin time, man.
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Mashed Potatoes, but only the homemade kind that my mom makes! Otherwise, mac and cheese from Panera. Everytime I get something like Kraft, I have to add a crapton of melted cheese and a little bit of adobo (the seasoning, not the rice dish.)
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Someone who isn't uptight and won't get mad at me for not texting back in two seconds. Also, they should probably be into the same stuff, overall xD
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? El, El Bell, Nyla, Kinzy, Kinzy Kinz, Larry (Miss you, Jazzy T.T), Firecracker, Kinz-bear Fang Toad, off the top of my head~
67. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE BAND/SINGER? I seriously don't have one.
68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAVORITE. (Movie is the Incredibles) SO MANY MEMORIES.
69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT SAT SCORE? I will get back to this next year Dx
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate!
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? I do, I do!
72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? I literally don't work out (it's a wonder I'm skinny xD) but probably last month maybe?
73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #64? I've done this before so I already know how jacked up the numbering is. (Why am I always doing these things so late at night? It's now 6 AM, and I refuse to sleep)
74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR? I just wanna know who actually remembers something like this
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? YEAH, SURE, KNOCK YOURSELVES OUT.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? The loud ass fan coming from my sister's room.
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK? Water. Which was my answer last time. But all I drink is that, Brisk Lemon Tea, and Coffee.
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My dad, after he finished his VA appointment cause I picked up my mom's phone.
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX? The face, my dude.
80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE NO ANSWER.
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? Nasty food and people who have no sense of personal boundaries :D
82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? JULY. (Which is usually summer but I have college over the summer so T.T)
83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN? Libra, because that's Kodi's sign!
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? My natural color is a super dark brown that's almost black, and currently it's black with brown highlights because all the bleaching and coloring I did made it weird but I'm dying it back to my natural black in May xD
86. EYE COLOR? Dark brown!
89. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? I would have to say Taco Bell, because of their nachos and smothered burrito ("BAERRITO") but I barely eat fast food so xD
90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? I LOVE SUSHI. I almost double check to make sure it's the kind with the cooked fish, and then drown it in soy sauce and an amount of wasabi that should be illegal :D
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? Technically it was The Get Down (which is a good show), but I was barely paying attention cause my parents were watching it. So my next answer would have to be Naruto. (Which I don't even watch, my sister was watching it, the fiend.)
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Do people actually have one of those? Because I don't have one xD
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? I do not, and am not musically inclined whatsoever. But I can play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the recorder (CURSE YOU, PUBLIC SCHOOL).
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? I'm literally too young to have a political affiliation that's serious? I mean, I can't even vote, man xD
95. KISSES OR HUGS? Well, seeing as kissing people that you know is something that's kind of weird to just do more than you hug... I SAY HUGS :D I LOVE HUGS, THEY'RE SO NICE.
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Seriously, what kind of question... Relationships, thought I've never had either xD
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? I bought my mom an ice cream from the ice cream truck.
98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE? The invisible kind, like from Megamind :D
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Nothing at all, man. It's spring break, who has time for that? (Kidding, reading is great. Whoop.)
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE: Terrifically non-existent :D
My answers weren't nearly as creative as KodiakWolfe13's were! They were hilarious, and so you go look at them then look at her stories! Or just the stories, because they're that amazing~ :D
DP Forever-ever :D
Favorite Quotes (because I really love quotes):
"I don't need people to help me grow up. I drink milk!"
"Sorry it took so long. Someone accidentally hit all the buttons on the elevator on the way up here...It wasn't me."
"Justice will be swift! Justice will be painful! It will be...DELICIOUS!"
[Struggling wearing heels for the first time] "Can we have a serious talk about how Weiss fights in these?!"
"Does that mean I can change out of these stupid things and into my hood now?... Stupid lady stilts."
[After learning their mission's with Oobleck; trying to be positive] "Alright, then. Looks like we're going to save the world!...with Dr. Oobleck-okay, yeah, when you say it out loud, it sounds worse."
[About the 'random man' that's fighting Winter] "Oh, no! Who would do such a th-aaaaat is my uncle!"
[To Qrow, after he says they don't give medals for "almost"] "They do, and they're called 'silver'!"
[Meeting Ruby and Yang] "Aren't you the girl that exploded?"
[To Yang] "Did your sister just fall from the sky?"
[Dodging attacks from the Grimm Ursai] "Geez, you two couldn't hit the broad side of a b- [Sees a single one of her hairs fall to the ground, cut off from one of the attacks] You...[Her eyes turn red] YOU MONSTERS!"
[After hearing Jaune's screams] "Some girl is in trouble!"
"Great, the gang's all here. Now, we can die together."
Jaune: [fumbling with the shield as it retracts off his arm, expands, and retracts again before putting it back in place and finally shrinking it down for good, placing it on his belt] The shield gets smaller, so when I get tired of carrying it, I can just... put it away...
Nora: I know! We'll have some sort of signal! Like a distress signal! [gasps] A secret signal so we can find each other in the forest! Can you imitate a sloth?
Jaune: [raising his hand] Yeah, um, sir?
Ruby: [after crashing through a wayward bird] Birdy, NO!
Pyrrha: I'm not sure this is it.
Jaune: [Sighs] Pyrrha, I made the torch. Could you at least humor me for maybe five more feet? [Trips and falls into a puddle, extinguishing the torch]
Pyrrha: Do you feel that?
Jaune: Soul-crushing regret?
[Jaune sees Weiss falling from the sky and leaps to catch her]
Weiss: [Preparing to launch Ruby from a giant improvised slingshot] Of course you would come up with this idea.
Nora: There we were...in the middle of the night...
Ren: It was day.
Pyrrha: Well, Ruby has her speed, you have your glyphs. My Semblance is polarity.
Sailor: You no-good stowaway!
Ruby: [Places down huge binder labeled: BEST DAY EVER ACTVITIES!] -Ahem-, Sisters...Friends...Weiss.
Weiss: Did you steal my binder?
Ruby: I am not a crook.
Roman: Oh, look! She sent the kids again! This is turning out just like the divorce!
Emerald: Spare us the thought of you procreating.
Roman: That was a joke.
inder: And you. [Gestures to Roman] Why wasn't this job done sooner?
Yang: Well, Weiss, it's your turn.
Weiss: Stop. [points to Blake] Lately you've been quiet, antisocial and moody!
Ruby: Okay, all in favor of becoming the youngest Huntresses to single-handedly taking down a corrupt organization conspiring against the Kingdom of Vale... say aye.
Ruby: Alright, guys, today's the day! The investigation begins!
Yang: [To Sun standing outside their room window] How did you get up there?
Ruby: Sorry, Sun. We don't want to get friends involved if we don't have to.
Neptune: [Rushes into the scene] So where did they go?
Jaune: Which is why I wanted to get your advice on... girls.
Jaune: (joining Ruby) I see you're hiding at the punch bowl as well.
Qrow: Saw that gaudy ship of yours. Guess you're here too.
Qrow: [arrives in the elevator with a teasing grin]
Qrow: Sure, you may be acting like Huntresses, but you're not thinking like one. You really think four girls and their friends could end all crime in a Kingdom?
Nora: You heard the lady! NO MORE MOPING AROUND! We gotta get your butt in shape for the big fight! It could be TODAY! It could be TOMORROW! It could be THE MOST IMPORTANT FIGHT OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!
Ruby: This is my fault. I should have never dragged you guys into this.
Ruby: We’ve all lost something, and I’ve seen what loss can do to people. But if we gave up every time we lost, then we’d never be able to move forward. We’d never have a chance to see what beautiful things the future might have waiting for us. We’d never have the strength to change; whether it’s ourselves, or the world around us. And we’d never be there for other people who might one day be lost without us.
Sayle: (about his giant pet jellyfish) It reminds me of myself.
Alex: It’s 99 percent water, has no brains, and no anus.
"You must have been going very fast." (About Alex 'snowboarding' on ironing board)
Alex: I was, until I hit the fence.
Alex: I didn't set fire to the building.
"No, but you did pull it into the river.
Alex: That put the fire out!
Yassen Gregorovich (Goddamn worst advice ever): Go to Venice. Find SCORPIA. And you will find your destiny.
(About Alex he crashed into the ocean from space)
Ethan Brooke: He's in Australia..
Maron: Yes, sir. He dropped in on us from outer space.
Damian Cray: What do you think is the greatest evil on the planet?
Alex: Is that including, or not including you?
Dr. Steiner: I'm perfectly qualified to give you an injection... You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?
Alex: I wouldn't call you that...
Red Vs. Blue:
"I will fucking stab you, computer phone lady."
"To mark this message as urgent, press eleven."
"There is no eleven, you FUCKING WHORE!"
"To hear the options in Spanish, press dos."
"I HATE YOU."
"Vic, it's Church, I need t-"
"I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full."
"I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to kill myself."
“I would just like to let everyone know... that I suck... and that I'm a girl... and I like ribbons in my hair... [sigh] and I want to kiss all the boys.” -Grif
Time... line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round. -Caboose
"I cannot believe I fuckin' died for this war." - Church
"How do you ever get anything done if all you do is argue with each other?"
"We don't! That's part of our charm! Quit fuckin' it up!"
"You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!"
"We've already got that! What else do you have?"
I found him, he was sleeping on the job.
Doc: I'm a pacifist
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No dude, that's a pedophile.
Church: I think he means pacifier...
Tucker: Oh, I was thinking of something totally different.
Church: There's no I in team Grif.
Grif: Yeah? Well there's no U either. So if I'm not on the team and YOU'RE not on the team- then nobody's on the goddamn team! The team sucks!
Church: Me and Tucker will go through the teleporter, and cut him off at the pass! Tucker, you ready?
Sarge: What do you see?
Church: You know, I could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
Sarge: Today is a good day to die!
Grif: Wait, I think today is actually a good day to retreat! Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yea, let's taking dying as on open action idea, and bring up at the next meeting!
Sarge: No, it has to be today! For our ancestors! HEYAAH!!! I've got a boner for murder!
Donut: It's not pink! It's, uh, a lightish red!
Grif: Guess what! They already have a color for lightish red! And you know what it's called? Pink!
Donut: ...I hate you guys.
Caboose: My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I hate babies!
Washington: Looks like he put two and two together.
Washington: It wasn't a test!
Caboose: Yes it was, I won, A plus
Sarge: I guess you'll just have to settle for 5th place, turd-belly!
Grif: 5th place? Should I even ask who's in 4th?
Sarge: I'm reserving 4th place for any late entries, who would obviously be better than you! Like a turd, or a turd-farmer!
Church: What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?
Grif: (scoffing) Fuck off, Blue! A ship just crashed on one of our guys.
Church: What, this ship?
Simmons: (irritated) No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
Church: Where'd it come from?
Grif: (condescending) It's a spaceship. It came from space.
Church: ... ... ... (calmly) Dibs.
Simmons: (surprised) What?
Church: Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.
Simmons: (arguing) No, it isn't, jackass! We found it first!
Church: (assured) Yeah, but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?
Grif: (arguing) You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!
Simmons: (agreeing) Yeah!
Church: (rebuttal) Yes, I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again! Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can!
Church: Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.
Caboose: Maybe he's an alien!
Church: An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?
Caboose: And that is the scariest kind of alien.
Grif: Sarge, is, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral? Classic.
Grif: We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!
Simmons: No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!
Grif: You know that trick?
Sister: I learned from the best.
Grif: Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!
Church: Dude, I've had about all the cross-species babies I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around with a 130 millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil spawn is enough for me.
Tucker: Don't talk about my kid like that!
Church: What's your deal?
Tucker: I don't know, I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. [shudders] Ugh!
Grif: Slow down!
Simmons: There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!
Grif: You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?
Simmons: No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.
Grif: [stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?
Simmons: [stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?
Grif: Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.
Simmons: I didn't see any bats, okay?
Grif: Did you hear any bats?
Grif: Did you smell any bats?
Simmons: I don't know what bats smell like!
Grif: And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.
Simmons: It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.
Alien Baby: Blarg.
Sister: Oh cool! You have a dog?
Tucker: Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.
Sister: Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?
Caboose: [whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?
Church: Caboose, what did I tell you?
Caboose: That there are no regular girls.
Church: Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?
Tucker: Dude, I don't even know what that means.
Tex: Freeze! Nobody move!
Tucker: We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."
Tex: Shut up!
Grif: I heard something that time!
Simmons: You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]
Grif: There! Did you hear that?
Simmons: Yes, I heard water dripping.
Grif: Sounds like bats!
Simmons: Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!
Grif: Bat Water!
Simmons: There are no bats!
Grif: Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb. The bomb!
Simmons: Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."
Church: Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?
Tex: He didn't. Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there and the next he was gone.
Caboose: What about the second after that?
Tex: Can I kill him?
Church: No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food.
Washington: Downloading a picture on Basebook is draining our entire power supply! HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?!
Caboose: I do not want to catch pregnancy!
South Carolina: I don't know what's gotten into you, Texas, but you better figure out the difference between your enemies and your friends.
Washington: Caboose, toss that grenade! (Caboose tosses sticky grenade onto the wall they hid behind) That was the worst throw ever! Of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.
Felix: Pfft. Sharkface. Locus, whatever happned to normal fucking names?
Caboose: Your toast has been burnt, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts!
Church: I know how to fix all of this. How to end it once and for all. It was so simple all along. I just had to tell you three words. Three words I wasn't capable of telling you before.
Tex: Ohh okay, wait a minute. Are you going to say "I love you"?
Church: No Tex. No... I'm not going to say "I love you". ...I'm going to say I forget you... I forget you, and I'm letting you go... *Tex disappears* Okai world! Do your fucking worst! I sure as hell just did mine.
Victor Dubenich: You've saved your insurance company, I don't know, hundreds of millions of dollars. But, I just know that when you needed them... What happened to your family was the kind of thing--
Nathan Ford: You know, this part of the conversation where I punch you in the neck nine or ten times, we're coming up on that pretty quick.
Hardison: Going to plan B?
Nate: Technically, that would be plan G.
Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a plan M?
Nate: Yeah. Hardison dies in plan M.
Eliot: I like plan M.
Tara: Either I'm in, or Ruth is out. It's your choice. [Leaves]
Nate: They're gonna hate this.
Eliot: I hate this.
Hardison: You do not let Vicki Vale into the Batcave! Ever!
Nate: You're going to go toe to toe with these guys without a plan?
Hardison: Oh we have a plan, it's called C.W.A.
Eliot: Can of Whoop Ass.
Parker: Who knew a sedan could hit 140?
Sophie: Parker, you are never to get behind the wheel of a car again, okay? Never.
Eliot: [after Parker tossed a crowbar at him] You don't throw crowbars at people!
Parker: Sorry! [mimicked whining] "You don't throw crowbars at people." Could have just tasered him.
Jimmy: [To Nate] You interfered. How unlike you.
Peta: Where I come from, this is not tolerated.
Jimmy: We're nowhere near were you come from, so just shut up.
Eliot: Why don't you just tell the cops everything?
Nate: The Russians could start shooting.
Parker: Still, there's enough cops to handle it.
Nate: We stick to the plan, the Russians will go down.
Sophie: And your father?
Nate: Oh, I got him. I want to look him in the eye when I put him down.
Sophie: [Explaining to Parker how to grift] Find the right combination and you can unlock the mark's trust. And then you can steal her...
Sophie: I was gonna say confidence.
Bonnano: So, what kind of work you in, Shelly?
Shelly: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Bonanno: [laughs] Yeah, right.
Eliot: Yeah, he really would.
Parker: Maggie's the most honest person we know, but besides that, she's okay.
Nate: Let's go steal the Department of Defense.
Parker: Isn't that treason?
Nate: We'll give it back.
Hardison: Wait a minute. Look, my only way out is the front door. Are they coming through the front door?
Nate: I don't know.
Hardison: What you mean you don't know? You better say something, I swear on my momma I will blow a hole through your bedroom and Spider-man out the side of this building. You better tell somethin'!
Parker: I once saw a horse kill a clown.
Parker: Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.
Hardison: Looks like an ordinary cell phone, right? It's not, man. It's a metal detector. See, it uses pulse-induction technology that sends out a current that generates a magnetic field, and then...are you even listening?
Hardison: Well, what'd I say?
Eliot: You were explaining how you're still a virgin?
Parker: I got the pass. Easy.
Sophie: Parker, we went over this. You're not supposed to take it. You're supposed to get caught with it.
Parker: I don't know how to get caught.
Sophie: Yeah, I know it's difficult to steal badly. Just...just try.
[Hardison is being held at an army base after their mark goes a little too far]
Hardison: [over comms] Get me out of here!
Sophie: Yeah, I--I'm working on it!
Parker: On it! [gets ready to leave]
Sophie: No, no, no, no! You cannot go. You're dead. Monica Hunter sees you and the whole con is blown.
Hardison: Damn the con! I am a black man caught on an Army base with a video camera! I am going to jail forever!
Billy Epping: You stabbed me!
Nate: Oh, come on. Just a little. It's fine.
Hardison: Until recently, they held these experiments in, like, a private farm facility, but after Schaevel's death, they moved it here, to the basement of the university Psychology building. Now, most people would dive into the question of, "why did they move"? I, however, am not most people.
Nate: You want to skip the "behold my genius" part and get to what you found?
Nate: Kid's making me nervous.
Hardison: He's not doing anything.
Nate: Yeah, but that's my point, you know? He should be panicking, and he's not.
Hardison: He's just a kid, Nate. How bad could it get?
Nate: How many grown men said that about you while you were raining digital fire down on their lives?
Hardison: Ah, now I'm nervous.
[Hardison is stuck near a bomb that is about to explode.]
Hardison: It's, uh, a computer bomb, I--I know computers. Computer bomb, um... we, we gotta--we gotta reboot the system! Yeah.
Eliot: You want me to kick it?
Hardison: God, I'm goin' to die.
Hardison: Eliot, what does that say?
Eliot: It says "dead".
Hardison: D-E-D, dead, baby.
Eliot and Nate: D-E-A-D!
Hardison: I... I know how to... I was throwing a little style in it, just a little bit. A little style. I know how to spell "dead," dammit! I can steal a bank, I can spell "dead"!
[After Eliot tells the team that he was once claustrophobic]
Parker: Really? How'd you get over it?
Eliot: I locked myself in a woodshed behind my house for a couple of nights. After that, I was fine.
Parker: That is so funny. I was scared of the dark and did exactly the same thing.
[Flashback: A young Parker pulls the trunk of a chest closed over herself as other kids are burying her under dirt]
Eliot: That's not the same thing. What's wrong with you?
Hardison: [upon entering the old subway tunnels where the team has set up shop] YOU GOT ME A BATCAVE? [jumping around excitedly] A BATCAVE!
Nate: No, I did not.
Cha0s: Yeah, this is totally a Batcave. Okay, you guys suck a little less now.
Eliot: You can't get a car in there. You can't have the Batcave without the Batmobile.
Hardison: We have the Batcave. It's a car, not a boat.
Parker: Just ask him.
Hardison: [yelling down the dam] Nate! Can we keep the cave?
Nate: We are not keeping the cave!
Eliot: I told you. I told you, didn't I?
Hardison: Now hold on. Don't be so hasty. Look. Hear me out. Two words: Eliot Signal.
Eliot: Hey Hardison, what are you talking about? Like a light you would shine up in the air? How does that work? And how would you see it during the day, first of all, and what would you put on it? A wolf? Or a Knife? No a wolf, a wolf is cooler...
Eliot: How long before video nails us?
Hardison: Facial recognition software takes about seven minutes to tag us, give or take.
[Alarm blares on]
Eliot: Seven min-- Damn it, Hardison!
Hardison: What part of "give or take" do you clearly not understand?
Eliot: [Over the comm] You better be ready, Quinn.
Cha0s: I bet you were born ready, right? Come on, dude. I know you want to say it. [With a graveled voice] "I was born ready."
Quinn: I don't know how Eliot does this.
Nate: Did you take care of the auctioneer?
Parker: Yeah. Sophie told me to find out his deepest wish and give it to him, but I thought that would take way too long so...
Parker: [to the auctioneer] Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? [presses the rag in his face until he goes unconscious.]
[Flashback end. Nate stares at her]
Parker: What? He's going to wake up in like 3 hours.
Hardison: Don't get mad, but...I may have spilled slushie in your car.
Eliot: That's like forty-four ounces, Hardison!
Hardison: It's not that much...
Eliot: The lid is floating in the damn floorboard, man!
Hardison: Wow. You are...
Eliot: It's running into the backseat!
Hardison: Very dramatic.
Eliot: When we get back to the office, you're cleaning this up.
Hardison: Seriously? [Spots Jack leaving the bar]
Eliot: You're cleaning this up as soon as we get back!
Hardison: That's our guy.
Eliot: I'm not-- Don't try to change the subject!
[Hardison gets a gun from gang members during a fight and shoots their car before he and Eliot run away.]
Eliot: Nice job, blowing out the engine block.
Hardison: I was aiming for his leg.
Eliot: Gimme the gun, Hardison!
Hardison: Everything I learned about people, I learned ringing doorbells and in a bow tie. Parker never had that. I mean, jumping from a skyscraper, she's cool. But making small talk, it's like pure terror.
Juror 7: [whispering to Parker] I hope the rest of this case is this good. [laughs]
Parker: [whispering back] What'd you have for breakfast? You smell like gravy.
Eliot: You have an orange. All right, now convince me that I want the orange, not the apple... I'm gonna take a bite... [takes a bite]
Parker: I put a razor blade in that apple!
Eliot: [Spits out the apple] Are you serious!?
Parker: Maybe, but do you know what doesn't have a razor blade in it? This orange.
Dr. Laroque: Pardon me, mister...?
Nate: Oh, uh, Nathan Ford. You're Dr. Lo--
Dr. Laroque: Can I talk to you outside?
Perry: Doc, he's cool. I found him on the internet.
Dr. Laroque: Yes, that never goes badly.
Hardison: You know, I, I, I still think it would be easier for me to just hack the bill in a printer queue.
Nate: No, no computers, no. A bill is put into a wooden box on the Congressional floor called the Hub.
Hardison: A wooden-- Whoa, whoa, whoa. A wooden...a wooden box?
Nate: A wooden box.
Hardison: Oh, we can put a man on the moon, but all our laws go into a wooden box.
[While getting ready to rappel off of a building]
Hardison: I gotta go back to the office, I just remembered something.
Hardison: I just remembered gravity. And the squishiness of all my manly bits.
[Sophie is at a Congressman's party, pretending to be a lobbyist for a defense contractor.]
Sophie: My company's focused on meeting Senators, but I'm thinking Congressmen.
Charles Dufort: You know the great thing about Congressmen? Fifty, a hundred grand well spent will get one elected. But then once they're in, the incumbency rate is over ninety-five percent! So you can get on average eighteen, twenty years use out of one of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one of the best investments a corporation can make.
Hardison: [listening in on comms] Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.
[Eliot is demonstrating his culinary skills to a surprised Nate]
Eliot: I'm cutting onions. De-veining shrimp. Pan-searing some scallops. I got 200 people I gotta feed, all right? Back off!
Nate: Okay, okay.
Eliot: [grinning] What, you think the only thing I know how to do is bust heads?
Nate: No, well, yeah.
Eliot: Look. Hold a knife like this, [holds a chef's knife normally] cuts through an onion. [switches to a backhand grip] Hold a knife likethis...cuts through, like, eight yakuza in four seconds. Screams, carnage. People are like knives. Everything's in context.
Nate: Can we give [Parker] a fake tumor?
Hardison: Oh, we could inject her brain with some contrast dye and have it pool into her cranial cavity, but there might be some side effects.
Parker: Like what?
Hardison: Organ failure, death, death-like symptoms.
Parker: I vote for plan B.
[Sophie is preparing Parker for the role of a dying woman]
Sophie: Think of, um, a really sad thing that's happened in your life like, I dunno, when your father died.
[Parker bursts out laughing]
Parker: [as a flight attendant, speaking before takeoff] In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. But let's face it, if this thing goes down in the water, more than likely, the impact will kill you.
[People give each other uncertain looks while Eliot rubs his face]
Parker: Please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exits. Because if this plane's on fire, you're gonna wanna get out quick. Jet fuel burns at over a thousand degrees! That's hot, folks.
[People murmur, looking even more concerned and confused]
Parker: Look, flying isn't really all that scary when you think about it. I mean, there are a lot more likely ways to die than on a plane: car crash, house fire, electrocution, drowning, auto-erotic asphyxiation. I mean, fact is, death haunts us every day, no matter where we are.
Parker: That's Saint Nicholas?
Parker: Santa Claus has a church?
Eliot: [irritated] Its not Santa Claus!
Nate: Hardison, can you make the statue cry without melting Saint Nick's head?
Parker: Don't melt Santa.
Eliot and Hardison: It's not Santa!!
Parker: Don't worry. No one's ever died going in through an air duct.
Parker: Worst case, you slip and fall, break your legs, lay there for days scratching on the metal. It's like a long metal coffin. With wind.
Culpepper: [On the phone with Kadjic] They killed my FBI handlers. They murdered them! And they cut them into pieces, and put them in a bathtub. Into a hotel bathtub!
Tony Kadjic: [To Nate] Is this true?
Nate: To be fair, [nods at Eliot] he did most of the cutting.
Eliot: Thank you, I appreciate it.
Nate: You work hard.
Nate: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you locked me in a closet and now you're trying to kill my friend Doucherman over here. I am starting not to like you.
Nikki: They only paid me to deliver one body, get out of my way.
Nate: Just wait 3 seconds.
[Parker hits her with a taser from behind]
Nate: That's why.
Hardison: Now Wakefield's a big player in the world cereal market. And by cereal, I mean wheat, corn, rice, all that stuff.
Sophie: So it's a grocery store.
Hardison: Yeah, if Godzilla's a gecko.
Eliot: Getting bullied in high school is not an excuse for propping up dictators. Look, take Hardison. He got bullied his whole high school career. He's not a criminal.
Sophie: [At the same time] Um, uh, think about that.
Parker: [At the same time] Yeah, he is.
Eliot: Not a bad criminal.
Hardison: Hey, what makes you think I was bullied in high school?
Eliot: FYA, you got a Green Hornet doll!
Hardison: First of all, it's a limited edition action figure. Second, it's Green Lantern. Educate yourself.
Eliot: Nobody else thinks it's weird that you can just buy anybody's yearbook online?
Hardison: You know, it's real cute, man, how you still believe in privacy.
[Hardison is digitally altering a photo of their mark]
Eliot: That's nice. Make him--make him drunker. And then richer.
Hardison: What you want me to do, give the man a pet tiger?
Eliot: Can you do that?
Fake FBI Guy: FBI, sir. That young lady's in our custody.
Hardison: Aw, see, you made two mistakes, bro. First, you flashed that fake-ass FBI badge at me. Second, [points at Eliot] you spilled his coffee.
[later, at the pub]
Nate: Where's Eliot?
Hardison: Oh, he had to change his shirt. He got coffee on it...and some blood, some teeth.
Hardison: What's that smell?
Eliot: Fresh air.
Hardison: I don't like it.
Eliot: [after letting himself into a guy's car] Don't talk, don't talk. I know it's your first instinct to talk, but don't. Your best course of action is to nod.
Eliot: Good. I'm gonna need a couple of things from you. I need your glasses, I need your clothes, and I need your little invite to this party. This can go two ways--you can give them to me, and I can stuff you in the trunk of this car, which, by the way, looks pretty comfortable. Not a bad night. Or, you can not give them to me... and I can do exactly what you'd expect a crazy guy in your back seat to do to you. [The doctor hands over his keys] That's the right choice.
Parker: [In the vault, looking at pieces of art] Oh, hello. The last time I saw you was at the Louvre. Well, actually you were in the back seat of my car, but before that you were at the Louvre.
Parker: Ooh, sparkly.
Nate: Parker, no burgling.
Parker: But these jewels are just asking to be taken.
Hardison: They were married less than a month later.
Sophie: See, love at first sight.
Eliot: Yeah, she wanted to get hitched before the background check came through.
Hardison: Of course I'm a racist, I'm a dirty cop!
Irish Thug: Why is there a nun's habit without the nun?
Hardison: Why don't you go ahead, find your little briefing fairy online, without me. Start the job and see how far you get...without me. [Walks away]
Nate: No, Hardison, come on. Really, really , it's...
Parker: That's his "very serious" arm-cross.
Hardison: Go ahead, guys. Rock my world.
Nate: I thought you were on strike, Hardison. Why are you even here?
Hardison: It's a mental strike. I'm not really here. I'm actually far, far away, in my mind. Besides, who's gonna help Parker carry out those gold bars? You know how much each one of those things weighs? They are heavvvvvyyyy.
Hardison: Now, what I did was hack questions from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.
Parker: It's a test designed to measure preferences in how people perceive the world. You know, I had a lot of psych exams as a kid. They're actually pretty easy. Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...
Hardison: And I've got a surprise. Bam! Code names for us to use on the comms during the mission. Parker, you're "Gold." Sophie, you're "Silver," Nate, "Mercury," and Eliot, "Mr. Punchy."
Eliot: You kidding me with that one?
[Hardison shows him the animation punching]
Eliot: All right, that's pretty good.
Parker: Look, we're going to lower you really slowly but if you bump into anything, the glass, the walls, anything you'll set off the alarms.
Hardison: Yeah, I get it. It's like the game Operation and I'm the tweezers.
Parker: What is that?
Hardison: It's a bow tie. Bow ties are cool.
Nate: [to Scott Roemer] Global Transit? Yeah, we've done some business together.
Hardison: [over comms] Nate, please do not introduce yourself. Like I said, I have no IDs that--
Nate: Tommy Mackinaw. Mackinaw Import/Export. Nice to meet you.
Hardison: Yes. Please. Thank you. Do go ahead and pick the one name on earth that does not exist.
Sophie: It's gets worse. Tomorrow, the board of directors are voting on a merger with two passenger airlines. And Roemer's gonna move the maintenance to his Mexico facility. The next time one of his planes falls out of the sky, it's gonna be full of people.
Hardison: Okay. [to Nate] Nate, I realize this is the kind of guy that makes you very angry. Please do not do what I think you're about to do.
Sophie: Why are you okay with this? You seem perfectly happy to be in this...town.
Parker: We're here.
Sophie: Yeah, I know. "We're here, get used to it."
Parker: No. We're here. Us.
Sophie: Oh. That's sweet.
Parker: Yeah. Me and my money, Hardison and Eliot, Nate and you.
Sophie: Yeah? Parker, why does the money always come before the people?
Eliot: Bad choices are bad choices. It doesn't matter why you made them. And they tear you apart, from the inside out. And you don't even notice.
Elliot: What kind of guy names a toilet after himself?
Sophie: Someone who cares more about fame than respect, that's for sure.
[As the group is listening to electronic static]
Eliot: [Walking in] Who got the military satellite intercept? You're not supposed to... [Sophie gives him a look] It's a very distinctive static.
[The team is discussing a defense contractor]
Eliot: Yeah, I know those guys. They used to stamp their logo on the side of our attack choppers and we had to sand it off before we--[Suddenly notices that Nate and Sophie are staring at him] --went fishing. For fish. Yeah.
Nate: We can have the research back in 2 hours. Right, Hardison? Hardison?
Hardison: Less. I would actually like to enjoy the rest of my Sunday.
Parker: He wants to get to his online orc battle.
Parker: I'm going through the vents. Bet I get there first.
Hardison: No, I don't think that's a good idea.
Parker: Winner gets to choose our next date. Ready, set, go.
Hardison: Wait. I wasn't ready.
Parker: I win. I want to go bungee jumping.
Hardison: We already did that.
Parker: Not off a hot air balloon.
Hardison: I seriously need to win one of these bets.
Hardison and Eliot: [singing to a remix of the alien signal] Two good ol' boys behind the wheel, chasing down bad guys in Lucille.[repeat]
Eliot: Hardison, delivery.
Eliot: You gotta tip the guy.
Hardison: For doing his job?
Eliot: Hardison, he rode all over here on a bike.
Hardison: Here. Two quarters, 2 pennies. Go buy your mama something.
Nate: [over comms] Okay, now, Hardison, remember, the objective here is to blend in. But we need to find out where Lampard keeps his money and drugs.
Hardison: No worries, Nate. Man, my focus is like a...laser! Ohh! Squiggles. Yeah! We got a class-four laser. Oh, liquid nitrogen tubes, cryo gun. It's going down!
Hope (holding up a red onion): I'm out of these purple tomatoes.
Eliot: Hope, those are red onions.
[After Eliot beats Rampone in a knife fight]
Nate: Eliot. Not worth it. Give him to the cops.
Rampone: Call off your dog. He's crazy.
Eliot: Crazy? I'm gonna cut your freaking head off and serve in on a platter.
Nate: Serve his head on a platter, huh?
Eliot: Was it too much?
Nate: No, actually, I liked it.
Eliot: I felt like it was a lot. Like, right when I said it, I felt like I may have gone too far.
Parker: What do I know about teenage girls?
Nate: Um, You were a teenage girl?
Parker: Only sort of.
Sophie: Did you know about this, girls being dropped from 20 feet? It's unbelievable.
Parker: I know, right? 20 feet. Pfft, walk it off.
Sophie: Parker, you do know that normal people don't just walk off a 20 foot fall, right?
Parker [seriously concerned: So all those times I pushed Hardison off a building and he was all WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH--he wasn't just being funny?
Eliot: I thought it was funny, Parker.
Haridson: No way in hell was it funny.
Eliot: You were always upside down, man.
Hardison: I fell off a building, yeah I was upside down.
Eliot: Like a pinwheel, like a Himalayan tree frog.
Hardsion: You call me a frog?
Eliot: [makes popping sounds while gesturing with his hands]
Hardison: You call me a damn frog?
Eliot: Pop pop and upside down. Yeah.
Hardison: Say it to my face.
Nate: Guys, maybe focus. Guys, focus.
Hardison: Damn frog.
Cheerleader: Ready. Ready. Ready. Ready. Ready, let's go.
Nate: Let's go.
Eliot: [As he's digging a hole] After sunset, this field is gonna be completely dark. No clear sight lines from the road. First thing to find a body out here would be a coyote--
Sophie: Okay. Now I'm scared.
Eliot: I'm here.
Sophie: Eliot, you're what's scaring me.
Hardison: You mean we gotta drive through a gunfight and not get shot like it's the Batmobile?
Hardison: Baby, love, kisses, snuggles, and other romantic verbs. Take your pills, be nice to Amy, we will be fine without you.
Parker: That's what I'm afraid of.
Amy: Good morning. How's the patient feeling today?
Parker: Less and less like a patient and more and more like a prisoner.
Amy: Oh. Well, hopefully, this will taste better than prison food.
Parker: You'd be surprised. Best meal I ever has was in French prison.
Amy: French prison, huh? How long were you in for?
Parker: [In French] Not as long as they thought I'd be.
Amy: They have a gun. We don't stop them. We call the police.
Parker: No cops. No cops. That will actually increase the chances of people getting hurt.
Parker: Because seeing a uniform in the middle of stealing something could cause you to panic, make bad decisions.
Amy: And how do you know so much about this again?
Parker: I...read blogs, Amy.
Parker: Well, good news is, they're properly flummoxed. But bad news is, we have to wait 24 hours till we got to do it again.
Amy: Wait a second. You didn't say anything about them coming back.
Parker: Well, of course we want them to come back. How else are we gonna catch them?
Amy: We--we don't. We're gonna call the cops.
Parker: Normally, I would agree with you, but what we've been doing here... Not super legal.
Amy: Oh, I knew it!
Parker: Just think of it as more charity work.
Amy: Okay, but my other charity work doesn't involve having a gun pointed at me.
Parker: Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Oh, you meant that as a bad thing.
Eliot: I'm gonna keep her alive. You guys find a way to get her out of here.
Hardison: With what?
Eliot: You stole a Michelangelo with tin foil and chewing gum! Figure it out!
[As the police sirens approach]
Eliot: Hang on.
Parker: Um, no. Cops, bad. Thieves, go.
[Eliot, Hardison, and Parker are handcuffed in the back of a government van.]
Hardison: This is a violation of my constitutional rights.
Colonel Vance: You're Alec Hardison. You cracked the Pentagon servers when you were twelve. NSA has a file on you a mile long.
Hardison: Do they? What do they say about me? I hope they gave me a cool nickname.
[After Vance tells them about the terrorist attack.]
Hardison: You're talking about stopping a terrorist attack in an afternoon! We'd need all your intel!
Vance: The truck back at the crime scene. It's an NSA Mobile Response Intelligence Unit.
Hardison: [Excitedly] With a Snear Cryptography System and a Jade-M Satellite Uplink?
[Vance looks at Hardison, surprised]
Hardison: That I know nothing about because that would be treason and wrong...
Hardison: It's got every database...NSA, CIA, FBI, it's got hard backdoors into most commercial systems, live feeds into every security camera on the grid. Man, if this wasn't such a gross violation of our civil liberties, I would be in love right now!
Hardison: Call up the NSA satellites.
Spy Truck: Calling up NSA Satellites.
Hardison: Thank you, creepy spy truck.
Parker: You're shot. You should go to the hospital.
Eliot: I don't do hospitals.
Hardison: I told you. He takes getting shot very lightly.
Sterling: The Gault collection is a high-profile target. And here we have the most valuable piece in that collection gone missing, and my favorite art thief on the premises.
Sophie: Ex-art thief. Ex-art thief! Why does nobody take that seriously?
Nate: Well, I mean, because... [To Sterling] You know, sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence.
Sterling: Not where Annie Croix a/k/a Felicity Shaw a/k/a Indira McCallister a/k/a Sophie Devereaux is concerned.
Nate: Hold-- Wait, hold on. [to Sophie] Excuse me. Indira McCallister? Seriously?
Nate: How come I don't know that? I know all of the aliases.
Sophie: Darling, nobody knows all of them, not even me.
Sterling: Excuse me.
Sophie and Nate: Huh?
Sterling: Can we get back on point?
Sterling: The painting, Ma Mystere, valued at 5 million euro, missing.
Sophie: Oh, well, look, I couldn't hide a cocktail napkin in this dress, let alone a painting, so...
Nate: Which by the way looks just amazing on you.
Sophie: Thank you. I got it in Paris when we when on that little--
Sterling: Obviously, you don't have it on you, and you didn't have time to get it off the grounds. So, where is it?
Sophie: Ah, Sterling. Good. Come on.
Sterling: Is this an escape? 'Cause if it is, you're very bad at it.
Sterling: So let me get this straight. You stole not one, but two paintings, one of which you spent the entire day trying to convince me you did not steal, all because your girlfriend here, an unrepentant, inveterate, professional liar...
Sophie: That's uncalled for.
Sterling: ...told you, with no evidence whatsoever, that Ma Mystere was fake. Now you're so sure that she's right, that you not only think that this painting is a fake, but every other Mettier that was in the house, the entire collection, is also fake?
Nate: That's right.
Sterling: Arrest them both.
Sophie: On what charge?
Nate: We brought you back the paintings.
Sterling: Obstructing an investigation.
Sophie: We're helping you with your investigation.
Sterling: Being annoying and crazy!
Nate: Well, that's not a crime. Since when was that a crime?
Sophie: No, it's not.
Sterling: I DON'T CARE!
Sterling: Hey! I don't suppose anyone here spent the last few years singularly replacing every Mettier in the house with forgeries when no one was looking.
Nate: Very slick interrogation [the curator takes off running].
Sterling: I didn't think that would work.
Sophie: Uh, she's getting away.
Sterling: I didn't think that would work!