Poll: Jack/Tempest... Vote Now!
Author has written 34 stories for Rise of the Guardians, Hunger Games, Artemis Fowl, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Princess Academy, Guardians of Childhood series, Captain America, Homestuck, Divergent Trilogy, Star Wars Rebels, Rainbow Magic, Lego Movie, and Frozen.
born for the blue skies
we'll survive the rain
yeah, we are the dark horses
I am trash. Hello.
I am aware of the extreme mass of this gargantuan store of random junk (a ridiculous amount for someone who just joined Fanfiction in May 2013. I work fast) that is constantly expanding for no apparent reason. Most of this is useless stretches of monologue simply copied and pasted in an attempt to do three things: one, amuse me, two, annoy you, and three, claim the record for longest profile in the shortest amount of time. There has been no official announcement, but I can say that yes, I have probably passed that challenge. In a little more than two months, I gathered an amassment of over 50,000 words –– a number that is obviously far past that by now.
However, I feel no need to try for the position of longest profile ever. To do so I would need to double the length of my profile –– a task that I feel would be too tedious for my ancient PowerBook. Loading what I have now to write this note took about a half hour by itself, and saving it will probably take an equal half hour. And also because those who vie for the crown often copy and paste whatever new thing they can find; I only copy and paste what I find exceptionally amusing, elating, sorrowful, etc.
But if you want the important stuff (the stuff pertaining to my life), that's stuffed up here at the top. If you want the useless stuff, keep reading. If you're here for the stories, press the "Hide Bio" button. Just do it. Please. And don't complain to me about the excruciatingly painful length of this profile. Because I warned you.
Sometimes I really think they should put the stories above the bio...
IF YOU LOOK HARD ENOUGH YOU CAN SEE THE DIFFERENT STRATA OF MATURITY WITHIN THIS PROFILE.
THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO CARED ENOUGH TO DROP ME A REVIEW, FOLLOW, AND/OR FAVORITE ME!!! I'm ecstatic to know I'm loved!
I'm human. I forget stuff. I keep forgetting to put disclaimers on my stuff. So lawyers:
I OWN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT I PUT ON THIS SITE!!!
THIS IS FANWORK IN NAME, CONTENT, REASON, AND OTHERWISE!!!
I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY MONEY OFF OF ANYTHING HERE, JUST WRITING TIPS!!!
PLEASE DON'T SUE ME... O_O
And on that happy note... I shall get into the actual profile.
My personal info:
Name: Sky, Dark, Waffle, Trash. I don't care.
Age: 413 years old.
Birthday: Is in a year with four digits, a month with more than twenty-seven days in it, and is on a day numbered less than 32.
Address: that place with the roof and the door and the windows.
Appearance: two eyes, a nose, one mouth, two ears, hair, a forehead, shoulders, two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes... I think you get the picture.
In a relationship with: God. I'm a Christian. :)
Personality: who knows?
My pastimes: writing, reading, surfing FanFiction, fangirling, drawing, decreasing the world's chocolate supply, decreasing the world's tropical fruit supply, tae kwon do, playing piano
Favorite Guardian: Don't even ask. It's a hard choice.
Favorite food: See "Favorite Guardian".
Favorite drink: McDonald's frappucinos. I think I spelled that right.
Favorite color: Silver.
I'm the kind of person who'll check their e-mail inbox every other minute one day, and then not check it at all the next day because I'm too lazy to turn on my computer.
I'm MethodlessMadness on FictionPress (link here) and argenticNocturne on deviantArt (link ).
I am many things, but I don't return reviews. I wish I could. I wish I could read everything. But I can't because there is a thing called time and like most other things I don't have a lot of it.
Reading and faving everything I have is great, thank you very much and God bless, but really I probably won't be able to reply or return. I'm truly sorry. :(
Authors on my fave author list are of three categories: I-Personally-Know-You, I-Have-Read-And-Liked-Most/All-Of-Your-Work, or I-Have-Become-Friends-With-You-Over-The-Course-Of-A-Very-Long-Time.
F.A.Q. (Frequently Asked Questions)
Ugh. Apparently, you guys require this.
Where is your penname from?
- My penname is from the lyrics of Dark Horses, by Switchfoot. My FictionPress name is a spin on the quote “There is a method to my madness”, as I do not have methods to most of my madnesses and found it funny.
Why did you turn off Private Messaging?
- I’m a busy girl. I barely have time to write as it is. And it’s much easier to write when you’re not constantly chatting with people…I actually heard a story somewhere that there was a writer who wanted to write a sequel to a very famous book, but never did as she spent the rest of her life answering fanmail.
- That, and the critics hate me.
*long hate message*
Can I use some of the stuff from your infinite profile?
- Knock yourself out. Only a small fraction of it is originally mine; most of it I borrowed from other people’s profiles.
You must have the longest profile on FanFiction! Wow!
- Haha, thanks, but not really. That title goes to 24hourstomakeadifference, and a couple of other people with way longer profiles than me. I want to make mine longer, however, my computer is ancient and half the time I can’t edit my profile without crashing the entire thing *sobs*
Why aren’t you finishing/writing a sequel for [insert story name here]?
- Like I said, I’m a busy girl. I’m trying to write an original novel series, which takes first priority, and finish up a novelette — so that crowds a lot of my writing schedule. And when I’m not writing, I’m in school, studying, practicing piano or doing any one of my various sports. Sorry.
- That, and sometimes inspiration just goes poof into thin air, and I can’t work on the story anymore.
I have seen the term “Mary Sue” in many of your works, namely Dear Fanfiction Writers and Oh Dear Moon, Not Another One. What is a Mary Sue?
- A Mary Sue DOES NOT equal an OC (Original Character), let me just say that. Not all OCs are bad; some are quite good, deep characters actually. However, you will as a reader and writer occasionally stumble upon an overly-perfect, loved-by-everyone-else character, who is normally portrayed as a love interest by whichever character the writer fancies — this flawless, invincible character is called a Mary Sue (or Gary Stu when the character is male). They are prevalent among inexperienced writers who have a passion for shipping themselves with an attractive canon character. However, they are only a specific kind of OC and not all OCs are Mary Sues, so you have to be careful.
- I have heard from others that the real test of a Mary Sue isn’t their qualities — it’s how easy they bypass obstacles. This is a huge part of it, so just keep that in mind.
Will you read and review my fanfic?
- I might, I might not. It kind of depends. It also depends on what you mean by “read and review” — if you mean “reading every single chapter and reviewing every chapter with something along the lines of ‘OMGZ I LUV IT PLZ CONTINUU’ ” then probably not. When met with requests like this I usually only read/review the first chapter for two reasons: one, I just don’t have the time, and two, if you’re going to write a fanfic, you need to have good first impressions. In addition, if you’re looking for an “OMGZ I LUV IT PLZ CONTINUU” type of review, then definitely not. People have blocked me before because my reviews weren’t outright praise for the story.
- However, I will not (and have never for those of you who think you have been flamed) flame you. I know flames. I have been flamed before. I will not flame you. Constructive criticism, however, is a different story — and concrit is most definitely not a flame.
How do I know if my character is a Mary Sue?
- Jeez people, I don’t know where you got the idea that I’m the Mary Sue Queen or what have you…but all right. I suggest looking up the term for other people’s definitions, interpretations, and ways to help decrease Sue-ness. In addition, there are many Mary Sue tests out there that will help you figure out if your character is a Sue. My personal favorite is the Mary Sue Litmus Test on SpringHole (I think that’s what it’s called?).
Can you beta for me?
- I wish I could help you all. However, I’m horrible at sticking to something like that and in addition, I turned off PM. Sorry!
Can you recommend some good In-Character fanfics for [insert fandom name here even though it is usually ROTG]?
- The things on my favorites list…?
- Guys, even though I wrote a fic about canon characters wanting to be IC doesn’t mean you should avoid all fics that are the slightest bit OOC. That would be so boring. OOC-ness is a part of writing, AUs are awesome, crackfics can be hilarious — so enjoy yourself here. You don’t have to stick to canon just because the characters protest some things.
Why don’t you like Jelsa? (Why is this question on here? Because I’ve received it from three different people, and more than once.)
- I kind of think that Jack and Elsa would be better as siblings rather than a couple. Similar powers/appearances do not a couple make.
- Also, I ship PitchxElsa.
Can you write a Frozen fic?
- I did. (link HERE)
Can you use [insert suggestion for Frozen and Frozen only] in DFW?
- My Dear Fanfiction Writers is only meant for ROTG and crossovers involving ROTG…sorry! Neverland8 has a very good Frozen DFW (link HERE), but that’s not mine. Sorry.
Can I translate your story into [insert language]?
- Sure, knock yourself out! A lot of the terms I use are English-only though, so be careful…
- And remember to give me credit for the original, thanks.
What is your favorite kind of cookie?
- Why is this on here. It's been asked three times, by two different users and a guest.
- Though I'd have to say classic chocolate chip, pulled straight from the oven...delish.
WHERE DID YOU GO??????
100 Random Things About Me Copied from Ocbooyah’s profile
1. Age? Somewhere between -10 and 1,000.
2. Height? The same height as Nico di Angelo. (The exact number should be on the wiki...meh.)
3. Eyes? Really, really dark brown, like coffee.
4. Have any tattoos? No…it sounds painful, and my parents would kill me.
5. And piercings? One in each earlobe. Considering getting a couple more…
6. Fave food? Chocolate, poppyseed muffins, fried chicken, gummy fruit snacks, mangos, etc.
7. Fave pizza topping? Pepperoni and bacon.
8. Fave drink? Either Mountain Dew or McDonald’s frappucinos. At least, if frappucinos are considered drinks.
9. Siblings? I wish I could say no. Yeah, two of them, younger. At least, I think they’re my siblings…
10. Been in a fight? Depends on what you count as a “fight”.
11. Serious relationships or one-night stands? If I had a boyfriend at all, I would have to pick the first one. I believe in keeping the one-time gift of virginity until my marriage, thank you very much.
12. Weight? You looking for a death wish?
13. Fave snack? Mangos
14. Fave candy? Chocolate
15. Fave movie? Either Rise of the Guardians or Passion of the Christ.
16. Fave show? Star Wars Rebels
17. Do you smoke? My parents would kill me before the smoke did.
18. Blonds or brunettes? Brunette
19. Any scars? We're all born with scars...
20. Fave music? Switchfoot, Red, NeedToBreathe, Disciple, American Authors, Imagine Dragons, Fun, The Fray, Florence & the Machine, Green Day, Mumford & Sons, Beethoven, Sergei Rachmaninoff, Suzanne Ciani, Two Steps From Hell, John Williams, Alexandre Desplat, Maksim Mrvica, Lindsey Stirling — so basically rock, alt rock, soundtrack, and classical.
21. Fave actor? Benedict Cumberbatch, duh.
22. Where do you live? U. S. A. — meaning U Shouldn't Ask.
23. Do you miss anyone right now? Not really.
24. Last person who made you cry?for drawing my OCs.
25. Do you enjoy school? Eh. To me, school's like a laxative. You don't enjoy what it does to you in the moment, it tastes horrible, and you can try to avoid taking it all you want — but it's necessary to help flush out useless crap and to keep you from needing serious help later.
26. Desires? To finish my writing projects.
27. Fave fast food joint? LITTLE CAESAR'S YEAAAAAHHHH
28. What's the last thing you drank? Liquid...?
29. What are you doing right now? Answering a stupid list of 100 things about me.
30. Where would you like to go? My room.
31. Are you in a relationship? I refer to question 11.
32. Ever been arrested? Nope.
33. Ever had a stalker? Eh…depends on what you mean by “stalker”…
34. Ever gone skydiving? I'm scared of heights.
35. Where do you think you'll go when you die? Heaven.
36. Is there a God? Well, duh, of course there is! What, did you really think our entire universe came to be through a random explosion that defies most if not all natural laws of physics? *sighs*
37. Do you have a cell phone? Yes, and I cherish it like my own child.
38. Are you squeamish? Eh...it depends. With movies or in real life, if someone is cut with, like, a knife or something (not stabbed, but sliced) I freak out. With words or books, I can kind of handle it, so long as I keep my mental pictures under control. Other than that, no — I'm a bloodthirsty little creature who happens to prefer blunt force trauma to blade wounds.
39. Are you a human? What do you think?
40. Ever been in a speeding car? Whenever my dad drives us to school.
41. Stupidest thing you've ever thought about doing? ...lemme get back to you on that...
42. Do people find you attractive? If they do, then they have yet to tell me.
43. What annoys you? Questions.
44. What are you afraid of? Spiders. I’m a relatively nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and “I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house BURNED TO THE GROUND!”
45. Gold or silver? Silver.
46. Are people afraid of you? When I get the grin that signifies an encroaching idea, yes. When I’m slap happy, yes. When I spontaneously appear out of nowhere and right next to them, yes.
47. Do you sing in public? Not usually…
48. Ever been mad? What kind of redundant questionnaire is this?!
49. Does money make people happy? If said people use it wrong, it can make them dead.
50. Do you have any hope left for the human race? Nah. I’m just waiting for Jesus to come back.
51. What's your hair look like? Thick, wavy, very dark brown, armpit-length, and with these really weird overgrown bang-things that are always falling in my eyes.
52. First job? None yet. Unless you count being a barely-paid baby-sitter.
53. Do you like meeting new people? Hades no!
54. Do you get along with your parents? Most of the time…
55. Ever played the slots? No.
56. Ever get into an argument with a cop? Nah. I’m too smart to get caught.
57. Ever been in a car accident? Not to my knowledge.
58. Most flights of stairs you've ever fallen down? I've never been stupid enough to fall down a flight of stairs. UP, now that's a different matter.
59. Do you care what people think of you? I try to disturb as many people as I can.
60. Where do you see yourself five years down the line? In a dark room, working the keyboard and bouncing my leg because I had caffeine. Like I am now.
61. Are you afraid of the dark? I do 50% of my writing in the dark. Sometimes I have an impulse to shut off every light in the world because the brightness is giving me a headache. No.
62. What kind of car do you have? A blue Hot Wheel.
63. Time you were born? Night.
64. Ever break any bones? My pinkie toe of my right foot.
65. Fave childhood toy? A little plastic dog with wheels and a red string leash. I used to drag that little bad boy everywhere.
66. Fave author? Markus Zusak.
67. Are you a paranoid person? Yeah, you could say that.
68. Have any enemies? “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, once in your life.” — Winston Churchhill
69. Are you afraid of heights? I refer to question 34.
70. Last movie you watched? PASSION OF THE CHRIST!!!! God, I loved that movie. Couldn't sit through the nails being driven through Christ's hands — not tough enough for that — but still, amazing amazing amazing movie. I cried like heck.
71. Most disturbing movie you've ever seen? The Mask.
72. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate.
73. Favorite color? Silver.
74. What time do you usually wake up? On school days, 7:15. On weekends, 6:10. I don’t know how that works.
75. What are you doing? Still answering stupid questions.
76. What is something that you keep in your purse/wallet? three cents and a broken cell phone.
77. What is the longest work shift you've ever worked? Who’s counting?
78. How many days have you gone to work consecutively before having a day off? I don’t have an actual job yet…
79. Can you do a handstand? Eh…not successfully…
80. Are you an angry person? When someone ticks me off.
81. Is there anyone out there who you would like to personally kill? Oh yes. I've been told stories of abortionists who murder babies even AFTER they've been born — I don't support abortion in the first place and believe that a child is human even in the womb but this, killing born children by breaking their necks or slitting their throats — so help me God that I don't track these people down and avenge the ones who never had a voice.
82. Do you talk in your sleep? No. My friend says I hum, though...
83. Have you ever gotten so tired you couldn't remember what happened the night before? Yes.
84. Can you break a piece of wood with your forehead? Haven’t gotten that far in tae kwon do, but I’m sure that’s required for one of the upcoming testings.
85. Are you delusional? Depends on who you ask.
86. What is something that you are horrible at? Basketball.
87. What is the most boring thing you've ever done? Sat in a hot car for eight hours squished between a screaming toddler brother and a carsick sister. On my BIRTHDAY.
88. Can you lift up someone who is twice your weight? Never tried, but I bet it wouldn’t be too hard.
89. Would you rather be a ninja or a pirate? Ninja.
90. What is the worst movie you've ever seen? Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior…I found it offensive to martial artists everywhere...
91. Are you right-handed or left-handed? Kinda ambidextrous, actually...I mostly write with my right hand, but I'm learning how to write backwards with my left and it's super easy. And even though I can't swing a baseball bat righty to save my life, I can actually hit baseballs when swinging lefty.
92. Do you suffer from short-term memory loss? Who knows?
93. How are you feeling right now? Tired.
94. What annoys you about people? "My main problem with people is not people. My main problem with people is not their stupidity. My main problem with people is not their stupid blusters. No, my main problem with people is the stupid blusters they make to cover up their original ones." — a quote from me
95. Do you dislike children? Depends on their age, state of energy, and amount of cuteness. I really like little boys, maybe three years old, especially when they’re tired. But if they’re seven years old and pick their nose before trying to slap my butt, then yes, you could say that I dislike them.
96. Can you climb a fence or would you fall off? Depends on what kind of fence it is. And if I had my wire cutters.
97. Would you like to own a pair of brass knuckles? Yes.
98. Can you smile for me? I am smiling. It's just upside down.
99. What do you do if you can't fall asleep at night? I sketch or write or stalk the Internet looking up things about my OTPs.
100. When was the last time you fell off a bike? When I tried to ride a toddler’s tricycle at the age of eleven and height of five feet. Harder than it sounds, trust me.
Copy/pasted from trustingHim17's profile.
There is a difference between fiction and nonfiction. Every series I write about falls under "fiction." No, the Greek gods are not real. Neither are the Egyptian, Norse, Celtic, or any other mythology you may have found an interest in. Sorry to burst your bubble. There is only one God, the God of the Bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God of David and Daniel, and the God who loves YOU and sent His Son to die for YOU. Do you know Him as well as you know the Greek, Egyptian, or Norse gods? The gods don't exist, but God does. Do you know Him?
Me as a writer:
I'll do anything...if I try.
Unfortunately, I don't try very often.
Me as a reviewer:
It largely depends on my mood. Sometimes, if I'm feeling lazy and it's a good story, I'll just say "Haha, love it. Favs. Sorry for lack of awesome review power" and be done with it. Other times, I'm intense. I can be very direct in my criticism, especially when I'm not in a hyper happy mood. Call it a flame, but it's not. It's just very detailed constructive criticism that kind of lacks in the constructive field.
Favorite Books/Series of Books: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie, Percy Jackson and the Olympians series by Rick Riordan, Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, Ranger's Apprentice series by John Flanagan, Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins, A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness, Ascendance Trilogy by Jennifer Nielsen, Guardians of Childhood/Guardians series by William Joyce, The Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer, The Watch That Ends the Night by Allan Wolf, the Unwind Dystology by Neal Shusterman, etc.
Favorite Movies: Passion of the Christ, God's Not Dead, Star Wars, Rise of the Guardians, X-Men, Gravity, Shine, Chronicles of Narnia, How To Train Your Dragon, Lord of the Rings & the Hobbit, Avengers, Sherlock Holmes, Princess Bride
Favorite Mangas/Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist by Hiromu Arawaka, Death Note by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata, Shinkegi no Kjoyin/Attack on Titan by...too lazy to check, NOT TECHNICALLY ANIME BUT HOMESTUCK BY ANDREW HUSSIE
Favorite ships (I ship a lot of things, but these are just the big ones...)
Homestuck (by quadrant):
- Equius/Aradia (shh shh)
- Sn0wmanxSpades Slick
- DamaraxKankri (pls don't ask oi)
- hmm can't think of any rn but whatever
The Book Thief:
Attack on Titan:
How To Train Your Dragon:
10 Random And Completely Useless Things That You Probably Didn't Know Until Today:
You can kill plants with heavy metal music.
Nail polish remover never expires.
Donald Duck cartoons were once banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants. (dunno if they still are)
Rick Riordan has never seen the Lightning Thief movie, nor does he have any plans to.
That little plastic thingy at the end of a shoelace is called an aglet.
July 27 is Take Your Pants For A Walk Day. (To blazes to me if I know what that means.)
In Japan, they use more paper making comics and manga than to make toilet paper.
Liquid Tide detergent glows under black light.
Bees eat each other when stressed.
Mickey Mouse was originally supposed to be named Mortimer Mouse, but Disney's wife found it creepy. (I do, too.)
A List Of Random Things About The World That Will Inevitably Grow Longer With The Passage Of Time:
Have you noticed how, in Star Wars, Darth Vader's name is just "invader" without the "in"? And Darth Sidious is "insidious" without the "in", too. So what about "inebriety"? And "indigestion"? Interesting.
The Nick Jr. show "Go, Diego, Go" has a weird name. It's funny because the name Diego ends with "go". But then wouldn't that make it "go die go go"? I don't think the Nick Jr. people thought that through entirely.
I feel sorry for Justin Beiber's mom.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:16-17
“He then brought them out and asked, ‘Sirs, what must I do to be saved?’ They replied, ‘Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved” Acts 16:30-31a
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith –– and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God –– not by works so that no one can boast” Ephesians 2:8-9
"Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes He lets the storm rage to calm His child."
"Love the sinner, hate the sin."
"Unlike most people in the world, I'm not afraid of death. Why? Because I know for sure where I'm going."
“Devils are depicted with bats’ wings and good angels with birds’ wings, not because anyone holds that moral deterioration would be likely to turn feathers into membrane, but because most men like birds better than bats.” — C. S. Lewis, a hardcore Christian and an absolute genius (hence why I have so many of his quotes posted here)
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” — C. S. Lewis
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” — C. S. Lewis
“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” — C. S. Lewis
“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done’, and those to whom God says, ‘All right, then, have it your way’.” — C. S. Lewis
“Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.” — C. S. Lewis
“The safest road to hell is the gradual one — the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.” — C. S. Lewis
“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.” — C. S. Lewis
“Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable.” — C. S. Lewis
“Reason is the natural order of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning.” — C. S. Lewis
“With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.” — C. S. Lewis
“It’s so much easier to pray for a bore than to go and see one.” — C. S. Lewis
"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon, or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronising nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to. ... Now it seems to me obvious that He was neither a lunatic nor a fiend: and consequently, however strange or terrifying or unlikely it may seem, I have to accept the view that He was and is God." — C. S. Lewis
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." –– Winston Churchill
"Fish and visitors stink after three days." –– Benjamin Franklin
"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." –– Amelia Earhart
"Firearms are second only to the Constitution in importance; they are the peoples' liberty's teeth." –– George Washington
"I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter." –– Jim Carrey
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." –– Mark Twain
"Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness." –– Mark Twain
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." –– Mark Twain
"Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'." — Mark Twain
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." –– Helen Keller
"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do." –– Helen Keller
"There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his." –– Helen Keller
"Literature is my Utopia. Here I am not disenfranchised. No barrier of the senses shuts me out from the sweet, gracious discourses of my book friends. THey talk to me without embarrassment or awkwardness." –– Helen Keller
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." –– Helen Keller
"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar." –– Helen Keller
"It is hard to interest those who have everything in those who have nothing." –– Helen Keller
"Yes. Growing up is highly overrated. Just be an author." –– Neil Gaiman
"If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." –– Benjamin Franklin
"Good fiction's job is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the uncomfortable." –– David Foster Wallace
"Speak softly and carry a big stick." –– Theodore Roosevelt
"Being crazy isn't enough." –– Dr. Seuss
"Be awesome! Be a book nut!" –– Dr. Seuss
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
"Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead." –– Benjamin Franklin
James T. Kirk: The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
"It only takes a single weak moment to let evil in... or out." –– Ombric in Nicholas St. North and the Battle of the Nightmare King, by William Joyce
"How can I know who I am... until I know who I was?" –– Jack Frost in Rise of the Guardians
"My father said that a person can be educated and still be stupid, and a wise man can have no education at all." –– Sage in the False Prince by Jennifer Nielsen
"I am the son of Hades," Nico insisted. "Be gone!"
"With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later." –– Nico di Angelo in the Last Olympian by Rick Riordan
Nico strode forward. The enemy army fell back before him like he radiated death, which of course he did. Through the face guard of his skull-shaped helmet, he smiled. "Got your message. Is it too late to join the party?"
"Braccas meas vascimini!" (Eat my pants!) –– Percy Jackson in the Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan
"He who moves first always wins." –– L in Death Note by Tsugumi Ohba
"I just can't sit any other way than this. If I sit the way other people do, my reasoning ability drops by 40%." –– also L
"Risking your life and doing something that could rob you of your life are exact opposites." –– L (if you can't tell, I really love L!)
"Will you be eating that cake? ... say what you want, but I will be taking the cake." –– L
"There are... many types of monsters in this world: monsters who will not show themselves and who cause trouble, monsters who abduct children, monsters who devour dreams, monsters who suck blood, and... monsters who always tell lies. Lying monsters are a real nuisance. They are much more cunning than other monsters. They pose as humans even though they have no understanding of the human heart. They eat even though they've never experienced hunger. They study even though they have no interest in academics. They seek friendship even though they do not know how to love. If I were to encounter such a monster, I would likely be eaten by it. Because in truth, I am that monster." –– L (*sob* poor L *sniffle*)
"I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!" –– Light Yagami in Death Note
"There are six reasons anyone does anything: Love. Faith. Greed. Boredom. Fear..." he said, ticking them off on his fingers; but he lingered on the last, drawing a deep breath before he said, "Revenge." –– Mr. Solomon in Don't Judge A Girl By Her Cover by Ally Carter
* * * A SMALL PIECE OF TRUTH * * *
"They say that war is death's best friend, but I must offer you a different point of view on that one. To me, war is like the new boss who expects the impossible. He stands over your shoulder repeating one thing, incessantly: 'Get it done, get it done.' So you work harder. You get the job done. The boss, however, does not thank you. He asks for more."
"I carried them in my fingers, like suitcases. Or I'd throw them over my shoulder. It was only the children I carried in my arms."
"Please believe me when I tell you that I picked up each soul that day as if it were newly born. I even kissed a few weary, poisoned cheeks. I listened to their last, gasping cries. Their vanishing words. I watched their love visions and freed them from their fear.
When they walked across, he spoke again.
"Yeah, we get it. Life sucks. So shut up and pay attention." –– my friend (Amelia Selene for anyone who's read Legends of Awesomeness)
"Fine! Let's go to Wal-Mart. Who's driving?" I asked.
"If I was locked in a closet with Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and a monkey, and I had a gun in my hands with two bullets in it, I'd shoot the monkey twice." –– my other friend Carol
"If I was locked in a closet with Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and a monkey, and I had a gun in my hands with two bullets in it, I'd give the monkey the gun, let him kill the two dictators, and then when he was done whack him on the head with the gun. Moral of the story: let the monkey do the dirty work." –– Carol
"You know you're bored when you start counting semi trucks." –– my friend Brianna Elms, aka BlackAngelDarkLife here on FanFiction
"I don't have to study. I'll just wing it. And in my case, I know how to fly." –– me, as in me, DarkHorseBlueSky (I own these, so don't steal without giving me credit! I will KNOW if you do...)
"Release your inner randomtivity. Avacado." –– also me
"Do as I say, not as I do. Translation: don't steal people's watches. You don't do it right." –– me
"You know it's going to be a bad day when you wake up and think, 'Saturday!' until your deductive reasoning kicks in and you think, 'Tuesday'." –– me
"Knowledge without wisdom is misused. Wisdom without knowledge is useless. Without a bit of both, you're going nowhere good." –– me
"I never think I'm wrong while I'm doing something. It's only after I've done it, and after it's irreversible, and usually after it's out so that the whole world can see it, that I start to regret it. Sometimes to great lengths." –– me
"My main problem with people is not people. My main problem with people is not their stupidity. My main problem with people is not their stupid blusters. No, my main problem with people is the stupid blusters they make to cover up their original ones." –– quite obviously, also me
"If you have any reason to trust me, you aren't talking about me." –– Artemis H. Gossamer in Fighting Fire, a Hunger Games fanfic written by me
"Sometimes size and strength aren't everything. Sometimes you just need a thief's skills and a whole lot of luck." –– Caius A. Angelico, also in Fighting Fire, and also by me
"In his eyes was the purpose. In his hands was the means. In his heart was the will. So why didn't he use them against me?" –– Saige Thanem in Saige Thanem and the Betrayal of the Ghost King, a Percy Jackson and the Olympians fanfic written by me
"If the pen is sharper than the sword, then the review button must be a weapon of mass destruction." –– anonymous but maybe SuperGirlOnToast, I forgot
My friend Brendan Lottes: Stop using long words! I don't know what you mean!
Me: Ohh, so you're hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobic?
Brendan: (stares at me blankly) What are you talking about? I love hippos!
At my little brother's baseball game...
Coach: (to the kids on the team) All right, kids, stay sharp! Look alive, look alive!
Me: (from the stands; to my sister) I dunno. Do any of them look dead to you?
My friend and me, talking about fanfiction...
Brianna Elms: There are a lot of good ideas out there, but I don't like it how no one seems to check their work.
Me: Some do.
Brianna: Yeah, but still... there are so many spelling errors! It's crazy!
(Yeah, I actually said that... she got the joke, and you should too if you know the definitions of both "definitely" and "defiantly".)
Me and my younger sister, talking about the Warriors series, which I never finished reading seeing as there are thirty-eight and counting, and seeing as the topic just bored me after the first series...
Sister: So get this. There's this cat named Rockpaw, and I was wondering what his name would be if he became a Clan leader.
Me: Rockstar? *bursts out laughing like an idiot when the implications set in*
(Only people who have read Warriors will get the joke)
Me and my brother...
Me: Wow, I just spent eight hours creating my own world!
Brother: Where? On Minecraft?
Me: No, on Microsoft Word.
On the bus on the way back from a volleyball game...
Carol Plopp: All right, who cut the cheese? Sky...?
Me: (totally innocent) What? No, it wasn't me!
Madison Bengur: Suuuurrreee...
Me: Hey, whoever smelt it dealt it. Right?
Carol: Whoever denied it supplied it...
In class, during group work...
Brendan: *singing* Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Lalala...
Me: *stares at him* Uh...
Brendan: *continues singing*
Me: I'd reply in kind, but I can't sing.
Brendan: Well neither can I, and I sing anyway! What song were you thinking?
Me: "Demons" by Imagine Dragons.
Brendan: *frowns* I know that song. What does that have to do with anything?
Me: It's a song about a guy telling another person to stay away from them otherwise he might hurt them.
Brendan: *stares at me, then backs away slowly*
Me: Hey Dad! Where'd you put the ice cream?
Dad: I don't know!
Me: *to my sister* Me neither. Hey, maybe he put it in the refrigerator and not the freezer by mistake. I do that all the time. *checks fridge* Nah, not there.
Sister: I put the milk in the pantry one time.
Me: You know, that would be so funny if the ice cream's in there. I'm gonna check, just in — *opens pantry and sees ice cream sitting on the shelf, perfectly eye level to me* Oh my gods. *cracks up laughing*
OATH TO THE REVIEW REVOLUTION
I, DarkHorseBlueSky, do solemnly swear to review all the stories I enjoy, regardless of the number of reviews, its age, or anything else.
I have joined the review revolution. Post this in your profile if you have also joined or are in the process of doing so now!
Official Stuff Pertaining to My Stories:
Jackson Overland Frost and the Curse of the Frozen Snickers Bar –– Finished. I might write a sequel, I dunno.
Revenge of the Guardians –– Also finished, but I got a really random plot bunny for a potential sequel. I'm not sure if it's going to lead to anything, but...well, we'll see.
Joyce's Guardian –– I thought it was best as a oneshot, but I got a little idea for a sequel. I'm trying to crank it out as fast as I can, but I'm really trying to focus more on my original series of novels instead of fanfiction. Plus I have writer's block.
The Last Strudel –– Finished. Will not be continued.
The Strudel of Cheese –– Finished. Will not be continued.
E. Aster Bunnymund and the Cheese Strudel at the Earth's Core! –– Finished. Will not be continued.
Overcoming the Tears –– Finished. This was the pilot chapter for Saige Thanem and the Betrayal of the Ghost King, so if you're looking for more, that's where it is.
The Half-Blood Games –– Discontinued because I'm too lazy. Adopted by PerseusJFAN1016.
Night Whispers –– On temporary hiatus because, well, I'm too lazy.
5 Things You Didn't Know About Nico di Angelo, and 1 Thing He Didn't –– Finished, and people are still loving it! :)
Death's Deception (formerly titled Saige Thanem and the Betrayal of the Ghost King) –– Almost finished...
Fighting Fire –– Finished. Sequel in the making.
Revenge of the Ice Prince –– Finished. Sequel in the making.
Dear Fanfiction Writers –– Biggest. Hit. Ever. More reviews for 200 words of this than I got for 20,000 of Fighting Fire. Crazy!!! Still in progress!!! Updated daily!!! (Or should I update twice a day...? IDK...)
From Fanfiction Writers –– I don't even KNOW what this is, but I'm getting huge feedback for it so I suppose I should continue. Update: 8/31/13: I drowned in suggestions.
Nico and the Crow –– Finished oneshot. At least, it was supposed to be. But everyone seems to want me to continue so I guess I probably should, just to ease the feels...though they do know that I am going to have to get back to the angst and stuff eventually, right?
How to Save a Life –– Finished songfic. Update: 9/4/13:Had to take down song lyrics. Threatened with site suspension. Grr... Update: 10/10/13:It wasn't meant to be Perico, just cousin-with-cousin angst...
Of Party Games and Potty Mouths –– What is this? Who knows? It was supposed to be a oneshot but everyone wants me to continue it, just as they've wanted me to do with Nico and the Crow...
Oh Dear Moon, Not Another One –– Finished Mary Sue parody. I mean no offense by this, and I am not naming names. It's just a parody...
Update: 11/2/13: I hate this list. It takes too much time to update. What? Not my fault that my profile takes SO FREAKING LONG to upload onto my dinosaur computer!
THIS IS WHERE RELEVANT INFORMATION, AND BY THAT I MEAN INFORMATION ACTUALLY PERTAINING TO ME, ENDS! EVERYTHING AFTER THIS IS COPY/PASTE, SO IF THAT'S YOUR BIZ, KEEP READING! IF NOT, YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO STOP READING NOW!!!
Hey, all you girls out there! Have you ever considered the excitement of fan-girling?
If you haven't, this would be the paper for you to read!
Fan-girling is when all the girls swoon over movies or books or television shows in the most inhuman way possible!
These are the advantages of being one of these alienated people!
Advantage number one: wearing comfortable clothes!
You throw on some pajamas or anything else you find cozy to curl up and read or watch television.
It's comfortable enough for you to settle and maneuverable enough for you to jump up and smack the TV or throw your book against the wall.
Wearing comfortable clothing no matter how ugly - even in public - is a great advantage of being a fan-girl!
Another privilege of the fan-girl: locking yourself in your room!
Locking yourself in your room with your fandom is a wonderful way of saying you're dedicated!
With your door locked, you can bawl and squeal all you want and no one can come in and stop you!
No annoying siblings or nosy parents ordering you around.
Just you and your favorite fandom!
Also, your room is the only safe place away from those weird human beings that try to make you eat greens and do chores.
They're not worthy of fan-girl-world!
A big diet?
Fan-girls usually get hungry while obsessing and eat automatically most of the time.
The only problem is, though, whenever fan-girls get hungry, they'll have to leave their rooms to get to the snacks.
Fan-girls only have nightmares about the terrors outside their domains!
So they'll either have to keep a secret stash under their beds that will last them until the end of the world or pay their younger siblings to bring to food to them.
The fan-girl diet is a wonderful thing indeed!
Let's not forget our fan-girly appearance!
Our faces are usually very red from how much we bawl and laugh and blush every time our nonexistent crush shows up in ourbooks and movies and TV shows.
Don't despair, my fan-girl friends!
That flustered look is perfectly normal.
It means we care!
The red face is just a sign that we're concerned about what happens to our fictional family!
Another way you could tell we care is our smeared make-up.
Most fan-girls always put on make-up and fix their hair so they'll look presenting while watching or reading their fandom, butninety nine percent of the time, something will either devastate or anger the fan-girls and result in them messing up their hair and crying, therefore smearing their make-up and sending their hair askew.
Smeared make-up is a reasonably expectable fan-girl fashion trend, as fan-girls always tend to smudge it once or twice every while.
The dark circles under your eyes are the fan-girl fashion sense that proves you haven't slept since you stumbled upon a certain book/movie/TV show that has kept you up from last month to this day.
Sleeping is something sane people do, and goodness knows fan-girls are not sane!
Fan-girls are the special type of girls that can go months without sleeping as long as they've got a book or movie or TV showto obsess over.
Especially if it's got a handsome guy to drool over!
What else is fantastical about being a fan-girl?
Fan-girls always, always, have something to hug.
When the fandom gets upsetting, terrifying, intense, or disconsolate, fan-girls need something or other to squeeze the life out of until the emotions pass.
The choices of comfort objects range from teddy bears to posters to pillows to pet cats, but never human beings because they don't even go near those strange things.
The comfort objects invariably turn out to be a fan-girl's best friend because they're habitually everywhere the fan-girl is.
Lastly; talking to yourself!
All sane people talk to themselves a few times, yes, but fan-girls get to do it all the time!
When they're alone and there's no one around, they'll talk aloud to their imaginary friends, having oddly long conversationswith no one.
Now, doesn't that sound exciting?
Being a fan-girl, you could do it in public and never be ashamed.
Some fan-girls even talk to themselves while in front of someone else.
There are many ways to do so; some even do it in third person!
Becoming a fan-girl is the most enjoyable thing any girl could ever want.
It's a stay at home job that can be done with no need of any school degrees or monthly payments.
There is no age limit either! Join your fandom now, girls, and find joy in the mentally unbalanced world of the psychotic fan-girl!
(This was a real school essay. Copy and paste if this makes you incredibly happy!)
I am a book freak, yes.
While I hole myself up in a good story,
you're off reading things from Facebook.
While I lose myself in unknown worlds,
you're off playing Minecraft or World of Warcraft.
While I learn things you cannot imagine,
you're off failing school and your teachers and family.
I know more about some characters than I do myself—
characters you will never know.
I can survive my whole life in a world—
a world you will never see.
I know the secrets of people, places, and creatures—
all of which you will never meet.
I could ruin your life, if I had the heart to and if you and I were in one of the worlds I know—
and you would never tell the difference.
I create worlds, people, creatures, but most of all lives with my words that you call another boring subject—
something you will never experience the joy and pride of.
I have ridden on dragons, outwitted darkness, eluded death a thousand times . . .
I have saved lives, used magic, unraveled deathly secrets that could start wars . . .
I have swum with the serpents, flown with the pegasi, howled with the wolves . . .
I have stood upon the moon, fought in great battles, discovered new universes . . .
I have relived long-gone lives, shaped new destinies, guided the paths of others . . .
I have stepped into other worlds, become other creatures, experienced unimaginable things . . .
I have lived through wars, living nightmares, the worst of tragedies . . .
I have felt the joy, pride, and elation of just—knowing.
Knowing the fact that you would never learn what I have.
And never have I moved a single inch, as long as I read.
Yet you claim that all of this is boring—
Boring, stupid, sad, uncool, dumb, even embarrassing.
You say that this is something no one can like.
And yet, here I stand, holding a book.
If you agree with what I have written, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to make our voices heard: Crystal Silvera, Akronite, Jasminehoran, DarkHorseBlueSky
Today, writers are scorned because of those too unversed to know.
Disdained, because of the those too ignorant to believe. Despised, because of the realists who are too afraid to dream. Misunderstood, because others are too unsure to try.
But we, as writers, know them to be wrong.
A writer is a person who dreams. A writer is a person who wishes. A writer is a person who escapes. A writer is a person who lives. A writer is a person who is not afraid. A writer is a person who strives.
A person who expresses. A person who believes. A person who understands. A person who knows.
I am a writer.
I dream of a world where anything is possible. I wish for a world where war is just a myth. I escape into a world where I can predict the future. I live in a world of joy and mystery. I am not afraid of the world I create. I strivein the world where others give up.
I express myself in ways others dare not try. I believe in things others are too afraid to trust. I understandthings others cannot, in a way that others cannot. I know, in ways that others deny.
All credits of this beautiful speech goes to Nic-n'-Nyx.
To all other young fiction authors out there. Copy and paste if you wish. It just needs to be said, and needs to be heard;
You may be a reject. You may not be smooth with the spoken word. You may be the most popular kid in school. You may be the boss at your office. You may be short or tall or heavy or light or anorexic or white or dark or struck by an unfriendly label. You may be the homeless guy on the corner or the one inside the store signing books as you hand them out. You may listen to Justin Bieber or to Three Days Grace. But what you are is a writer; never doubt the power of what you can do. Tell me, what did you learn more from this year; the President, or the Hunger Games? The senator or Rick Riordan? The public speaker or Clarissa Fray? Your boss or Pi Patel? American Idol or the Twilight Saga? A list of facts or Harry Potter? Which of them stole the most of your time? Which is more well-known?
It's the book. Every time. People fail to realize flaws in our society in their own lives, but they see it in District Twelve and in the Capitol. Books make clear what we can't see with the naked eye. Authors are the ones that speak to people's hearts. Writers are the ones people turn to for lessons and entertainment. It's been this way for thousands of years. We are the teachers of every child who opens a book. The themes we write are the themes they learn. We are there in every life, a quiet influence bound in a pretty cover, months' worth of work and reading, colored with imagery built around the lightning rod of an unforgettable plot line. A story spent months reading is memorable more than a speech listened to for just five minutes. I can't name all the leaders of the world right now, nor what they decide to preach about, but I can tell you all the characters from Percy Jackson, and every little thing they taught me. And they are things worth learning.
So don't think there's a better way to make a point. Don't think there's a better way to reach your audience. Fiction stories have been striking the hearts of their readers farther back than anyone alive can remember. And striking the heart is what makes literature so different from everything else. Don't ever doubt your ability to show someone something new, to teach them a life lesson, or the importance of what you have to say. Say it in this foreign language everyone knows. Decorate it with characters and light it with sights and smells and sounds and touches and tastes and give it to the public gift-wrapped with your finest effort. Because I guarantee you, someone is bound to hear you clearer than they've heard anyone else before.
I hope you've found some words of inspiration. The world needs it desperately. Do us all a favor, all you writers, and come out of hiding. We've had the greatest influence of all over people of the past, and as we act now, we are the ones influencing the future. We have more knives and pens than the BVB Army, more sway in society than the Senate, (whom we have proved this to before), more power than any celebrity you could name. I'm calling on you now. Rise up. I dare you to write something today that readers won't forget. I challenge you to make someone cry with one thin little page of text. I urge, no, I demand you to put something down on paper that'll be copied and produced and remembered for longer than Ancient Mythologies have been. I dare you to slam a revolving door*. I demand you to write a message in the folds of a book and watch how, in awe, people unwrap it. Watch your footprints stand bold against the falling snow and refuse to be covered. It is all possible, I assure you. You have no idea just what power you hold in a pen - or a keyboard - until you use it.
And right now, the world needs you to use it more than ever.
We, writers, have made history. We were the ones to record it. And that ability has not changed at all, just our awareness and will to use it. We were given the gift language and storytelling for a reason.
This is that reason. It's calling. So ask yourself what message you want to send. Ponder about what you want to say. Because the world is listening to us above all other beings currently on this earth. Us, not the movies, not the official-labeled politicians, not the superstars. And it's our job to give it a story worthwhile.
The Hardest Questions
What is time?
What is light?
What is a person?
If you think you can answer these, then you haven't answered them correctly.
COME TO MY PARTY!
THE TIGHTEST PARTY IN THE WORLD!
So everyone come. But read the rest of this bulletin first.
Come Kick it at The Biggest Party Ever.
Special Guest: Jesus Christ, God The Father, Featuring DJ Holy Spirit.
When: When you enter the Gates of Heaven
Where: Kingdom of Heaven
How: Just Ask
Why: Because God Loves You!
... Come As You Are! Bring Nothing but Your Heart and Soul.
98% OF TEENS WON'T STAND UP FOR GOD...
REPOST THIS IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE 2% WHO WILL.
Jesus said, "If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny
Repost as COME TO MY PARTY!
Type your name: DarkHorseBlueSky
Type with your eyes closed: DarkHorseBlueSky
Type with your nose: eqkhyorfseblyesky
Type with toe: daArkhgoir4seb l,uuewswzkgtyhb
Type with elbow: darrkhorseblujersdky
Smash face on keyboard: About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Random Sayings In No Particular Order:
I didn't choose the fandom life. The fandom life crawled from the depths of hell, grabbed me in a chokehold, and dragged me into the flames. But hey, it's actually kinda fun down here...
Learn from me. I am wise. No I'm not. Overlook me. Don't. Are you confused? No, you're not. I am happy. You are sad. No, I'm sad. You're not happy. You are happy. I'm confusing. You are confused. Now it makes sense. Ha.
Smile... even though it freaks other people out.
There's a fine line between sanity and insanity. I believe I crossed it several hundred miles back.
Fate drove me here, then told me to get out of the car.
When there's an awkward silence... "FOR NARNIA!"
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute.
I'll try being nicer when you try being smarter.
Ah... Medieval Times. When boys opened doors for girls instead of trampling them on their way out. Those were the good old days.
Keep smiling –– it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Normal people scare me... but not as much as I scare them.
I stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and make people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
I wasn't calling you names. I was stating the obvious.
I'm sick of all this talk about vampires and werewolves. What we really need is a good book about unicorns.
I'm not cynical. Everything just sucks.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
That which doesn't kill you... will probably try again.
The difference between brilliance and stupidity is that brilliance has its limits.
I respect your opinion. I just think it's stupid.
You have the right to remain silent, so please just shut up.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
I didn't slap you! I just gave you a high five in the face.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice.
If you hate someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away from them AND you have their shoes!
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE is when it's weird.
Don't follow in my footsteps. I run into things.
Parents spend the first years of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, and the rest to sit down and shut up.
Whoever says nothing is impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
Whoever says that words never hurt has obviously never gotten hit by a dictionary.
Whoever says "as easy as taking candy from a baby" has obviously never tried.
Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
I'm only Grumpy because you're Dopey.
I'm the kind of girl who can watch a horror movie without getting scared, but jumps and screams when the toast pops out of the toaster.
Forget love. I'd rather fall in chocolate!
US quality: made in China.
Other people want to be werewolves and vampires. I want to be a unicorn.
Let's eat, Gramma!
I find inspiration in cooking, my family, and my dog.
It takes skills to trip over flat surfaces.
I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug.
WARNING: Do not annoy the writer. She may put you in a book and kill you.
Cleaning my room:
8 out of 5 people are mathematically and numerically illiterate.
Friendships are like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm sensation.
Boys are like trees. They take fifty years to grow up.
Boys are like Slinkies. Practically useless, and yet it is so amusing to watch them fall down the stairs.
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
My boyfriend said that it's either him or the horse. I'll go get my saddle.
The evening news is where they tell you "Good evening", and then proceed to list countless reasons why it's not.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do.
We live in an age where there are handicap parking spots in front of ice-skating rinks.
We live in an age where the banks leave the front doors open and chain the pens to the counter.
We live in an age where there is Braille lettering on the drive-up ATMs.
Strangers stab you in the front.
God made men first. Then He had a better idea!
Dear The Optimist, The Pessimist, and The Realist,
I dream of a better tomorrow –– where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.
They told me I could become anything. So I became a rock.
Bookstores are one of the only pieces of evidence we have left that people are still thinking.
I ran with scissors. And lived.
I am nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I did what they said and took the road less traveled –– now where the heck am I?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away –– if well aimed.
DRINK COFFEE! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
What happens when you're scared half to death twice?
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Did you know sarcasm is your body's natural defense against stupidity?
Don't follow me. I'm lost too.
The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.
Don't mess with me. I've got a stick.
Smile, because I have no idea what is going on!
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are vegetables?
One way to figure out how things work –– push all the buttons!
What is this normal you speak of? Is it contagious? Stay away! I might catch your normal!
Without those blonde moments, life would be so dull.
When women are depressed, they eat chocolate or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional...
Cheese... milk's leap toward immortality.
If you say "gullible" really slow, it sounds like "oranges"!
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
Come to the nerd side. We have pi!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.
Raisin cookies are the reason why I have trust issues.
On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite color in the alphabet?
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator.
Roses are red.
The following statement is true.
The cactus wants a hug.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Excuse me, have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it.
I see regular people!
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Silence is golden and duct tape is silver. You choose.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
I'm so gangster. I carry a squirt gun.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three!
If you can't fix it with duct tape, you haven't used enough.
I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on eBay!
There is no "I" in "team" but if you switch around a couple letters, there is definitely a "ME"...
There are three kinds of people in the world: ones that can count, and ones that can't.
I can only please one person a day. Today's not your day, and tomorrow's not looking good either...
The person who smiles when things go wrong is thinking of a list of people to blame it on.
I am NOT saying you're stupid. I am merely implying it.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Usually, it belongs to an incoming express train.
Just when I thought that you said the stupidest thing ever, you kept talking.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
An idiot is a window washer who steps back to admire the wonderful cleaning job he did on the 44th floor.
Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.
In order to lose your mind, you must have one in the first place.
All people have the right to stupidity; some just abuse that privilege.
Why be difficult when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
I have two rules:
When giving lethal injections, the doctors first sterilize the needles. I have one question that I would love to ask –– "WHY?"
He who claps last is not paying attention.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
I'm not random. You just can't think as fast as me.
MOO... I'm a fish
Give me candy –– OR ELSE.
The question is not whether or not you have the right to remain silent. The question is whether or not you have the capacity.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Some see the glass as half full, some see it as half empty. Me? I just want to know who the heck is drinking my soda.
The greener grass on the other side is probably artificial turf.
Practice makes perfect, but since nobody's perfect, why practice?
Education is important. School, however, is another matter.
It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile, and absolutely none at all to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Advice is not my forte. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Slinky plus escalator equals endless fun
I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationery.
It's not stealing. It's borrowing with no intention of giving back.
Procrastinators: the leaders of tomorrow.
Tu madre. You just got burned in Spanish.
Chocolate is the answer no matter what the question is.
It's okay, Pluto. I'm not a planet either.
At this moment, you're the oldest you've ever been. Deep, huh?
If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.
Worst time to have a heart attack: during a game of charades.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried eating a liquid.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to fly a helicopter upside down.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried lining up a group of people alphabetically according to height.
Come to the Dark Side. We have COOKIES!
Don't attempt a staring contest with a brick wall. They cheat a lot.
When someone annoys you, remember that it takes 47 muscles to frown but just 4 muscles to stretch out your arm and punch the crap out of them.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
I didn't trip. I was just doing a random gravity test.
If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer!
I've got a problem for your solution.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.
I didn't fight my way to the top of a food chain to be a vegetarian.
Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion! What a bunch of idiots. I downloaded it for free.
War does not determine who is right... only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend because they're sharper than knives.
Relax. Nothing is okay.
Just say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many.
Never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics.
You have the right to remain silent. I have the right to ignore whatever you say. Either way, it works in my favor.
We're not retreating, we're just advancing in a different direction.
I was going to take over the world, but then I saw a shiny thing.
The Tooth Fairy teaches kids that it's okay to sell body parts.
Be insane, because well behaved girls never made history.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere.
You're a special kind of stupid, aren't you?
The doctor says that we have multiple personalities.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours.
The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
They never suspect the short one.
Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Anyone else having trouble getting to Narnia?
I've used up all of my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Stereotyping? How do you type with a stereo?
People know don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do wish I was.
Hey stupid! Your sock is untied!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I'm not as random as you think I salad.
On a scale of 1 to crazy I'm a penguin.
I see no good reason to act my age.
Hey you! Yeah you! No, not you, the other guy! You right there! Yes, you! Do you like tacos?
I tried being normal, but I didn't like it.
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.
Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.
Flying is not inherently dangerous –– crashing is.
I have not lost my mind; it is backed up on a disk somewhere.
Forecast for tonight: darkness.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes.
If you had a life you would stop talking about mine.
Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.
In a world of Cheerios, be a Froot Loop!
Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later.
You, you, and you –– panic. The rest of you follow me.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense.
I have a dream and in it, something eats you.
Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful.
Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a Barbie doll.
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, don't be scared. You have no reason to be.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world, but shhhh... it's a secret!
Quick, what's the number for 9-1-1?
I ran into my ex today. Then I put it in reverse and hit him again.
Hi! I'm human. What're you?
Patience is what parents have when they also have witnesses.
We are the people our parents warned us about!
I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a... aw, who am I kidding?
I'm smiling because I'm your sister. I'm laughing because there's nothing you can do about it!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Earth is full. Go home.
I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
An overly positive attitude may not be enough to solve a problem, but it sure ticks people off enough for it to be worth it!
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody's looking.
The cops never find it as funny as you do.
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
People say I've lost my sanity, but I can't lose what I never had.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they still have pretty good ideas...
You're just jealous 'cause the voices talk to me not you.
Nine out of the ten voices in my head agree that I'm insane. The tenth is off chasing cars.
The voices in my head don’t like you.
I used to have a life. That was before I learned how to write.
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge.
WARNING: Jumping into toxic waste does not give you super powers.
Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!
When nothing goes right... go left.
It's a beautiful day, now watch some idiot screw it up.
OOOH... DRAMA! Let's get popcorn!
Do it today! It might be illegal tomorrow!
You! Off my planet!
The first sign of madness is talking to yourself. The second is when the voices in your head answer back.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.
Not all men are annoying... some are dead.
If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable.
Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now.
WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus.
If I throw a stick, will you go away?
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
It's you and me versus the world... we attack at dawn.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way only faster.
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.
Real friends don't let you do stupid things –– alone.
The butterflies are plotting SOMETHING...
Best friends know how stupid you are and still choose to be with you in public.
Don't try to out-weird me –– I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.
You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
You say "crazy" like it's a bad thing.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!
Stressed is desserts backwards.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I am free of all prejudices... I hate all people equally!
I am in shape... round is a shape.
I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool.
I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Oooooh... a life. Where can I download one?
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
People say that money can't buy happiness. However, I just purchased marshmallows. Isn't that the same thing?
If it ain't broken... fix it 'til it is.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?
Last night, I was lying on my bed, staring up at the stars, and wondering, "Where the heck is my roof?"
Ten percent of people believe that their food has a party when they shut the fridge door.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call a "floor" –– a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.
A rejected invention: Instant water! Just add water!
I've got things to break, people to laugh at, objects to drool over and who knows what else.
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't by accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.
EMO –– Extravagantly Made Origami
Everything is edible. Everything. Even I am edible, but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.
Taste the rainbow –– eat crayons!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
Do not lead me into temptation. I can find it myself.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Make a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for life.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. By the Hulk. On an adrenaline rush.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Death by chocolate –– oh, what a way to go.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
I'd take a bullet for you. Not in the head, like in the leg or something.
Worst. Idea. Ever. *pause* Let's do it.
People who investigate noises in horror movies deserve to die.
I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.
Your eyebrows are as beautiful as an enormous caterpillar.
My friend's the kind of person who breaks the silence at a funeral by yelling, "KUNG POW CHICKEN!"
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Don't try to hold your hand over my mouth to make me shut up. I'll lick you.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing something people tell you not to.
Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself!
So stick that in your juice box and SUCK IT!
Say no to drugs.
Whatever it was –– I didn't do it!
I swear Mario is a hobo. He wakes up every day in the same clothes, runs around in sewers collecting coins, and to buy what? MUSHROOMS!
Ever noticed that "studying" is "student" and "dying" put together?
Dear Guy-Sitting-Next-To-Me: Yeah, I see you copying me. But joke's on you. I didn't study either.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Wanna hear a joke? Miley Cyrus.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I don't get it...boys think girls are so complicated. Haven't they met themselves?
If you're reading this then you're not dead. Good for you.
I ROCK! Guitar hero told me so.
There's nothing wrong with talking to random objects. It's when they start to talk back that you need to worry.
The trouble with real life is that there is no background music.
If my calculations are correct... slinkies plus escalator = EVERLASTING FUN!!
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
DEATH: the number 1 killer in the U.S... tell your friends.
Three hundred sixty-four days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers. Yet on Halloween, it's encouraged! Why is that?
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.
Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.
They laugh because we're losers . . . . We laugh because they just figured it out.
What hair color do they put down on the driver's licenses of a bald man?
You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired I put the mirror down!
Facebook is like jail. You sit around and waste time, you write on walls, and you get poked by people you don't know!
I wish I had Dora's parents… They let that girl go everywhere!
I am proud of myself. I finished the puzzle in just 6 months while the box said 2 to 4 years.
Girls spend the first ten years of their lives playing with Barbies, and the next ten years trying to look like one.
I decided to burn lots of calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire.
I want to merge My Space, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
Just because I'm cute doesn't mean I'm harmless.
Please note: Christmas this year is cancelled. I told Santa I was good this year, and he died laughing.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute... screw the fruit!
The surest sign of intelligent life out there is that none of them have tried to contact us.
Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor.
PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bad girl.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
When you find a real man...
He broke my heart...So I broke his JAW!
Girls don't make mistakes, we date them.
A wise man once said, "I don't know. Go ask a woman."
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Who was the first person who looked at a cow and say "I think I will squeeze those dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
I'm such a genious. (Only good spellers will get the joke)
Do people in England try to sound like Americans, like we try and have British accents?
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you.
Engineering: "How will this work?"
You should never let anything stop you. Except safety rails. They're there for a reason.
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
We're so cool ice cubes are jealous.
It's okay, Pluto. I'm not a planet either.
Ever wonder why bologna and lasagna don't rhyme?
Laughing until your stomach hurts is what friends are for.
You should always proofread what you write in case you any words.
By the time you finished reading this you'll realize you just wasted 5 seconds of your life
I burst laughing out in class today... I got that joke you told yesterday!
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Yeah, well I'm all that and a bag of M&Ms. Taste my rainbow!
The absolute greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you can't.
Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides know they're playing.
Does being fluent in sarcasm count as a second language?
Obsession? What do you mean, I have an obsession? (hides book behind back)
You're just jealous because I'm the only one the voices talk to.
There is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'I' in PIE, and so there is an 'I' in MEATPIE and since MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 2 months.
I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit just a little bit harder.
Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
A computer without Internet is like a person without a soul.
When something has a sign that says "Do not touch" it is actually a test of how daring you are. Touch it.
Tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling; it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
You are more likely to die on your way to buy a lottery ticket than to win the lottery.
Punching someone in the face is a very efficient way to see how forgiving they are.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why doesn't glue stick to its bottle? Why do you still call it a building when it's already built? If you aren’t suppose to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? Funny world.
Very few personal problems can't be solves through suitable applications of high explosives.
I do too have an hourglass figure; the sands just keep shifting.
I didn't lose my marbles. I gave them to a kid with a marble run.
I love Mondays! Hey, the medication's working!
I let my mind wander, and it never came back.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be let out on its own.
I just need a toxic substance... L.A. tap water will do just fine.
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
The world is out to get me. Hide me in your closet and don't let it find me.
It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?
I said I had my reasons. I never said you would understand.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
Sarcasm is one more service we offer.
Don't worry, our staff is used to stupid questions.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Good doggie" while groping for a bigger stick.
What's the point of having a giant paper clip if you won't use it for world domination?
Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again!
Note to self: do not use axe to kill a fly on a person's head.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
10% sugar, 10% spice, 80% demon child so you better be nice.
I let some blind guy borrow money the other day. Yeah, he said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...wait.
Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese. There are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or dad. Or my older brother Will. Or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu. But I think it's Will.
Be optimistic. All the people you hate are going to eventually die.
I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
I love how in scary movies the person says, “Hello?” as if the murderer’s gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”
I keep some people's phone numbers in my contacts just so I know not to answer when they call.
If you were on fire and I had some water, I'd drink it.
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.
Note to self: It is illegal to stab someone for being stupid. No matter how much they deserve it.
This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Have you ever watched a Disney movie or something now that you're grown up and realized you had no idea what was going on when you first saw it?
My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said, “At the end of this ruler is an idiot.” I got detention for asking which end.
Anatidaephobia — fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.
There is nothing worse than that moment in which you are sure you're going to die after leaning back in a chair a little too far.
I think that part of a best friend's job after you die is to immediately clear your computer history.
Help! I've fallen and I can't reach my Life Alert!
Keyboard not found... Press any key to continue.
Ah, the internet: where men are men, women are also men, and thirteen-year-old girls are FBI agents.
If Google can't find the answer, it's not a question.
Sometimes, Google should come back with a message that says, "Trust me, you don't want to know."
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomachs?
There’s a fine line between genius and stupidity. I like to play jump rope with that line.
When I have kids someday, I’ll tell them to watch the movie 2012 and say, “I survived that.”
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
The internet is like Egypt; we write on walls, convey messages with pictures that no one understands, and worship cats.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Scary thought: A ghost could be humping you right now and you'd never know.
I hate it when you miss a call by like two seconds, but when you call back immediately after, no one answers. What did they do, leave a message, drop the phone, and sprint as far away as possible?
Always say no to drugs, because if your drugs are talking to you, it's time to quit.
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
I look around and all I see is stupid! On a completely unrelated topic, I like to look at mirrors.
Can we be antisocial butterflies?
Music is like candy; you throw away the rappers.
“Did you just fall?” “No, I attacked the floor." "Backwards?” "I’m skilled.”
"Wait! Violence is not the answer!" "You're right; it's the question! And the answer is YES!"
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," the sarcastic teacher said. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher.
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will decend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, then pick your favorite.''
Your friend calls you at 3 in the morning. "Are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."
Would you like a cookie? So would I.
I Googled you today and I'm disturbed with what I found.
If you are reading this then step 1 of my evil plan is complete.
I have no patience for impatient people.
Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman.
You're a great friend. But if the zombies are after us, I'm tripping you.
DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Misuse of "literally" makes me figuratively insane.
Spelling is dificoult.
If you can't be a good example, be a warning.
What floats in water?
Sorry. I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Kiss me. I'm pretending to be Irish.
Fear of spiders: arachnophobia.
Real men don't sparkle. Real men defeat dark wizards.
Most Intelligent Person In The World 
Everything in moderation. Except chocolate.
I am disappointment in you're grammar.
Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking. That's about the same.
Alliteration is alarmingly addictive.
"B" is for BACON and that's good enough for ME!
What girls don't know: when a boy acts like she hates them, he actually likes them.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like Grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I swear, I was just aiming for your face.
I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.
Never say to a police officer: "I swear to drunk I'm not God!"
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
Caution! I drive as bad as you do...
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I do whatever the voices tell me to do. It just depends on who yells the loudest.
I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick. What about you?
My day is not complete until I have terrified a complete stranger.
Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say, "Who do you think you are?"
Stress: a condition brought on by overriding the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and ruthless violence.
See, when Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer while naked, it's "art" and "music". But when I lick a sledgehammer, I'm "wasted" and have to leave Home Depot.
We'll be friends forever...because you know too much.
My room is not messy. It is an obstacle course meant to keep me fit.
10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden...in his house.
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, but on Halloween, its encouraged. Does this make sense to anyone?
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Don't worry about the people in your past. There’s a reason they didn't make it to your future.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I have CDO. It's like OCD but all of the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be.
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, then why are you scared?
If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If explosives didn't solve your problems, you obviously weren't using enough of them.
If Fed ex and UPS merge, they would be called Fed UP.
If history repeats itself, I'm so getting a dinosaur.
If I promise not to kill you... can I have a hug?
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
If you're color blind, eating sweets must be a completely different experience. "Come on skittles, give me red... LEMON DARNIT!"
Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?"
It's sad your own mom dresses you like that.
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have.
I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly, if it's worth it.
Jogging is a slow sprinting, Coach!
Just remember – if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.
Paper may beat rock, but only until the catapults roll in!
Remember: Eat your school, stay in drugs and don't do vegetables . . . Wait . . .
Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Sanity is a state of mind. It's near Colorado. :D
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Set sail in a general that way direction.
The pen may be mightier, but the sword still hurts.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
The rules only apply if you get caught.
The three of you panic. The rest follow me.
Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.
We are the people our parents warned us about!
When I die, friends will go to my funeral, good friends will cry at my funeral, but my best friend will change my facebook status to "Chillin' with Jesus".
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When in doubt, push random buttons!
When they laugh, we'll laugh along too. Because we know better. We know.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Doors are on a house so you don't have to go through the windows.
No one ever says "it's only a game" if their team is winning.
I never repeat myself, so pay close attention to me the first time, cause I never repeat myself.
Canaries are the best, especially with ketchup on them.
Slow and steady gets you trampled by the other guys.
When opportunity knocks, shoot first and ask questions later.
When all else fails, use duct tape.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
"What's behind this door?" -opens it- "...another door. Hilarious."
"There are 1000 ways I could kill you, and 941 of them hurt." "So what do the other 59 of them do? Tickle?"
"They locked you in?" "No, I locked THEM out! Why must you always see these things backwards?"
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
Out of my mind, please leave a message.
Do you think I'm weird? Don't answer that.
What if weird meant normal and normal meant weird?
Worry when I say I don’t need chocolate.
You say you don’t trust me with sharp objects, I ask why not.
You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same.
My mom finds it tiring to worry about me.
Don’t expect anything from me until I’ve had my daily dose of chocolate.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
There's no future in time travel.
Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
A good pun is its own reward.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor
The road to success is always under construction.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Boys should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Gene Police: You!! Out of the pool!
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women — all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.
Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.
Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.
Nothing says "you're a loser" more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.
The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.
Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more. Then less just looks pathetic.
Acquisition is the discovery that you're no longer a big fish in a small pond, or even a small fish in a big pond, but rather a small fish in a big fish.
Perseverance is the courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.
Economics is the science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.
Some things simply cannot be overcome with determination and a positive attitude.
If you're not part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.
Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins became a tourist attraction.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, concerned individuals can change the world. Indeed, it's how we got stuck with the IRS, the Federal Reserve and the Mafia.
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all the unhappy people.
Teamwork ensures that your hard work can always be ruined by someone else's incompetence.
Keep living life like there's no tomorrow and you'll be right sooner than you think.
When a motivated group of people join together, they can turn problems into opportunities. Especially drinking problems.
The bad news is robots can do your job now. The good news is we're now hiring robot repair technicians. The worse news is we're working on robot-fixing robots — and we do not anticipate any further good news.
Teach every child you meet the importance of forgiveness. It's our only hope of surviving their wrath once they realize just how badly we've screwed things up for them.
Money can't buy you love. But it can buy exotic cars and luxury yachts. Once you've got those covered, you'll be fighting love off with a stick.
I expected times like this, but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.
Looking sharp is easy when you haven't done any work. Just look at pencils.
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Especially to your friends.
Sometimes, the most important lesson you can learn from team building is that you're not a very good team.
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you can get what you need taken from you by the government.
If you think it's lonely at the top, just wait 'til you try the bottom.
Teamwork is the fuel that allows common people to achieve uncommon results, provided they don't mind you calling them "common people".
You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.
Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Sometimes your spirit tags along with it.
Action will be taken to prevent the next disaster as soon as possible after it has occurred.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that's what you get for being a darn showoff.
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
A friend is just a stranger you haven't alienated yet.
None of us is as dumb as all of us.
I hear the call to do nothing and am doing my best to answer it.
It takes genuine talent to see greatness in yourself despite your absence of genuine talent.
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
If wishes were horses then dreamers would ride. But they're much more like cattle, so best grab a shovel.
If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.
The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those busy proving them right.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
Multitasking is the art of doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. And put your face between them when you do. You'll save me a lot of trouble. Thanks.
Those who do not learn from cliches are destined to repeat them.
Believe in yourself. Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.
#You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish...
#Running towards my dreams, tripping over tripped over reality, and hit my head on the truth.
#"Maybe you should read the instruct-" "NAHH! I GOT THISSSSS!"
#If karma doesn't hit you in the head, I gladly will.
#"You've changed." "Yeah, Im a transformer."
#"Im a wizard." "Then prove it." "Sorry I can't, no magic outside of Hogwarts."
#How to kill a spider: Grab a tissue, Approach slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
#Home alone! Expectation: Party! Party! Reality: Peeing with the door open.
#Don't grow up! It's a trap!
#Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It's impossible to be sad on a jet ski
#Dear McDonalds, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don't think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
#Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most are the ones who never use it.
#I love rumors! I found so much about myself I didn't even know!
#Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
#Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot.
#'Life's hard. It's even harder when your stupid.' -John Wayne
#I don't understand how Super Mario can smash blocks his head, but dies when he touches a turtle.
#When I turn 18 and my parents try to get me to do something, I'll just be like, "Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free Elf."
#All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.
#I'm not rude. I'm honest.
#I like wearing big sweaters. Not cause they're all comfy & cuddly, but when the sleeves are really big I get to flop then around & smack people.
#I look really cute when I wake up. And by cute I mean homeless.
#My standards are unreasonably high. I'm like a walrus going after a peacock.
#Showers are amazing. They make you feel nice and clean, make you sound like a professional singer, and help you make all of life's decisions.
#Remember when you told me to bring you a glass of water? I took a sip.
#That baby dinosaur noise you make when you stretch.
#I want a nice body, but then like... food.
#The moment where your like; "WHO TOOK MY- Oh. There it is."
#Play with my hair until I fall asleep and I'll love you till the day I die.
#If I haven't embarrassed myself in front of you, don't worry; it will happen.
#Because having cute underwear makes you feel so much better about yourself.
#When my friends are sad, I send them a long paragraph. But when I'm sad, they say "Oh, Sorry" or "That sucks"
#I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22... pounds overweight.
#"He's cute, I swear. Let me find a better picture."
#Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
Tupperware. More like TupperWHERE THE HECK IS THE LID
Whenever I see a centaur they have abs. How do they get abs? Half of them is horse.
Whenever a girl says "lol have fun" do not have fun. Abort misson. I repeat. Abort mission.
Why do people think being a vampire is so great? You can't eat garlic bread, so what's the point?
If you are walking a dog and you see me checking you out:
For as much as they tell you about Stop Drop and Roll as a kid, I really expected to be on fire more times in my life.
When life gives you lemons, it better also give you water and sugar. Otherwise your lemonade is going to really suck.
When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and laugh your butt off while everyone tries to figure out how the heck you did it.
When life gives you lemons, play with their DNA and make them into SUPER LEMONS!
When life gives you lemons, scream, "I wanted LIMES!"
When life gives you lemons, keep them. Because hey, free lemons!
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand the Mark of Athena instead.
When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye.
When life gives you lemons, smile and give thanks. Then, when life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach 'im.
When life gives you lemons, paint them orange and tell your friend they're a new kind of super sweet orange.
When life gives you lemons, make a super biofuel and end global warming.
When life gives you lemons, make a biologically engineered virulent air-borne pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet except for you, because you have the antidote... unless you want to make lemonade, which is a whole lot less cooler.
Ha ha, life gave you lemons! I got a bagel!
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
When life gives you Skittles, chuck them at people and yell, "TASTE THE RAINBOW!"
Five Rules of Life:
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If you can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If you can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If you can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If you can't kill 'em, you're screwed.
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to your mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have a bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
Repost this if you found this funny, or wish you were the one who recorded the voice mail...
Jumping right to the point: REVIEW. Writers –– all of them, from famous authors to subtle FF writers –– ALL depend on the feedback from our readers. Vision Dominican brought up an interesting albeit tragically true idea:
"Lack of reviews is the greatest killer of fan fic writers out there. We at the institute wish to let the public know of how they can pitch in to save our dying writers.
1) Drop a review every other chapter. It may not seem like much, but reviews are actually what many of us want to see. That, and hits. Hits do make us happy but we don't really know if people like our story or not.
2) Visit our author page. Those kind of hits really make us happy. It's where we showcase our entourage of friends, beta readers, and stories. Some of us even tidy up with set areas for upcoming story ideas and character bios.
3) Send a personal message. While normally I'd prefer a review, emails are just as good. Really, it warms my heart to communicate with another reader or writer."
What you call being "too lazy to review" is what we call "a flame to the pages" as the writers. That one minute or two that you felt "too lazy" to review is another minute of creeping discouragement that all writers feel as they begin to think...
"Why am I even here…?"
"What's even the point of continuing?"
"My skills must be terrible…no one cares for my story…"
"I'll never be a good writer...I quit."
These are only a few thoughts that go through every writer's head –– that go through MY head –– when we put out a chapter / story with all our heart and soul within, and we sit there…and sit…and wait…and not a single person says even a word.
If you're not a writer, you have NO IDEA how much that hurts…
If you ARE a writer, then I'm sure you know just how great it feels when someone is kind enough to leave a heartwarming and encouraging review, and you read it, smiling while thinking, "Wow…I did it…"
So, why not give fellow writers the same luxury here?
Too many times I've seen epic and utterly beautiful works of literary art fall to pieces before finally being abandoned due to the terrible discouragement that the lack of reviews can cause.
Sometimes, it is so severe that the very writer himself decides to quit, denying the world his skills of writing that I am sure it would have deeply enjoyed.
Just one minute, that's all it takes. Just a few gentle taps of the fingers on your keyboard, a few seconds or so of your time, and your words can SAVE a writer from a dark demise.
Do me a favor: Go find a story, ANY story, anywhere here on Fanfic,net, and see if you can help it. If it has very little / no reviews at all, just check it out, and say whatever comes to mind.
And enjoy the thought in mind that you could have just SAVED that story, with just a few taps of the keyboard…
If you agree with what I have said then please copy and paste any part of this story you wish onto your profile. Modify it in any way you see fit; there is no need to use my exact words. You make it say what you want it to say.
Thank you so much for reading, and please try to complete the 'mission' I have given you. With just a minute of your time, you could save a writer…so please, do it.
Because, my readers…
Silence is truly deafening…"
The 27 Commandments of Fanfiction, or anything written in general
People really need to pay attention to these. They are bolded for a reason.
1. Thou shalt not post a fic until it has been checked for grammar and spelling errors. The fanfiction gods hath given you a spellchecker on the computer for good reason. Use it.
2. Thou shalt not post a chapter of less than 100 words, unless it is a drabble. If thou breakest this rule, this displeases the masses.
3. Thou shalt not put author's notes in the middle of the story. At beginnings and endings are fine.
4. Thou shalt NEVER use text-speak in a fic, unless the characters are actually texting.
5. Thou shalt keep to one tense, and only one, throughout the story. Do not switch randomly.
6. Apply the above number 5 to POVs as well.
7. Thou shalt not get offended when someone makes fun of the crack pairing featured in your fanfiction. It probably is rather hilarious.
8. Thou shalt not use , ;, or >:( in a fanfiction to show the emotion exhibited by a character.
9. Thou shall try-eth to keep characters in character!
10. Thou shall not treat every criticism as a flame.
11. The author's note is not a spot for your personal drama, and thou shalt not make it so.
12. Thou shalt not put any form of the phrase "first fic" in thy summary. This turns away the ones who taketh this business seriously.
13. Thy created characters must not have names that exceed five syllables in length. Nor shall thy name have more than five words.
14. Thou shall not insert thyself into the story line as thyself or as a character –– yes, we know that you are in love with yourself and are very narcissistic, we just don’t want to read about how you end up with the main character.
15. If thou art writing a story that does not follow the original story line, point it out in the beginning.
16. Thou shall not make a person randomly smart or powerful unless stating a reason for the change (a good reason).
17. Thou shalt show and not tell.
18. Thou shalt not EVER use the phrase "I suck at summaries" in-est thine summary. This annoys thine readers.
19. Thou shalt not write the same way thou speakest –– writing is an art.
20. Thou shalt ALWAYS spell the word "okay" correctly. Using the letter "K" is an unacceptable compromise.
21. Thou shalt only use clichés when thou a) art writing a parody or b) find a new and interesting twist to make such clichés bearable to thine reader.
22. Thou shalt always separate dialogue from two separate speakers in two separate paragraphs. Otherwise thine readers shalt be confuse-ed.
23. Thou shalt not EVER make a chapter all one paragraph. THIS INFURIATES BOTH THINE READER AND THE FANFICTION GODS. They have given thee an ENTER key with good reason.
24. Thou shalt not write with thy caps lock on. It displeases the masses, causes thy readers to lose their vision, and makes angels weep.
25. Thou shalt know how to spell the character's names correctly before thou writeth the fic. Misspelling the name of the main characters makes readers angry and distracts from the story.
26. Thou shalt not say in thine summary "summary inside". This shows lack of creativity and infuriates the masses. The only exception is when a summary is cut short and a continuation of it lies inside.
27. Thou shalt use paragraphs and space the story so it is not terrifyingly daunting to thine readers.
How to Know if You're Addicted to Fanfiction:
10. You no longer refer to comments as "comments." They are now known only as "reviews."
9. Pens are for idiots, and you wouldn't be caught dead with one. How on earth are you supposed to erase when you want to rewrite?
8. You start laughing at the most inopportune times because you remembered something funny from a fanfic.
7. You pretend to take notes, but really you're getting a head start on your latest ficlet/oneshot/idea.
6. Short disclaimers are for losers. Whoever thinks up the craziest gets a cookie.
5. You can't write for English class because you've used up all your ideas for fanfiction.
4. A great story idea isn't a story idea. It's a plot bunny.
3. You hear people talking about a ship (the water variety), and you jump, like, five feet in the air and act like you've never heard the word used outside of the fanfiction context.
2. Whenever something inspiring happens, you screech, "Ooh! Fanfic idea!" and then immerse yourself in writing for the next three hours.
1. You repost this onto your profile! :)
(I got this from MyDarkSideHasAWayOfHerOwn's profile. I encourage anyone with original characters to try it. You'll learn things about the people you created.)
Step 1: List 8 OCs of yours.
1) Artemis H. Gossamer (from Fighting Fire, a Hunger Games fanfic)
2) Serene (from Revenge of the Ice Prince, a Rise of the Guardians and Rainbow Magic crossover)
3) Saige Thanem (from Saige Thanem and the Betrayal of the Ghost King, a Percy Jackson and the Olympians fanfic)
4) Tempest Black (from Children of Fear, a currently unfinished and unpublished Rise of the Guardians fanfic)
5) Caius A. Angelico (from Fighting Fire, a Hunger Games fanfic)
6) Unknown Black (from Children of Fear, a currently unfinished and unpublished Rise of the Guardians fanfic)
7) Petronius A. Lyre (from Fighting Fire, a Hunger Games fanfic)
8) Avi (from a currently under-wraps original project)
Step 2: Answer questions.
1) Who is your favourite?
Avi. No contest. After him, probably Unknown.
2) Who is your least favourite?
Either Serene, because she’s bordering on being a Mary Sue, or Petronius, because he’s really hard to write.
3) Who is the most developed?
Avi. Again, no contest.
4) Which would you want to date if they magically came to life?
Eeesh. That’s really, really hard. Probably Avi, but maybe Unknown.
5) If you were stuck in a burning building, what would 3 do?
She’d scream for Leo Valdez to save me, and if he didn’t come, she’d sigh and call up a bunch of skeleton warriors to drag my burning butt out.
6) Name one thing you regret about one of your OCs:
Serene’s life. Again, borderline Mary Sue.
7) Which OC would make the best parent?
Saige. She screws rules. And if not Saige, then Avi. He’d teach me all of his tricks.
8) Which of your OCs is most likely to end up in jail?
Avi. Avi. Avi. Avi. Avi. He’s actually been in jail.
9) 8 is in the future! What job does he/she have?
Uhhh… Olympic swimmer/fencer… which is a cover for his real job as an assassin…
10) Name 1's catch-phrase! (If they don't have one make it up)
“Shut up already. Please. There is enough pollution in the air without your additions."
11) Do all your OCs live together?
Nah. Just (SPOILER) and (SPOILER).
12) Are there any pairings in your OC listing?
Oh yes. Heeheehee.
13) 7 switches bodies with you. How do they react at the end of the day?
Petronius: So that's what goes on down there...
Me: Shut up you perv.
14) Now randomly select an OC from your list!
15) That OC you just chose? They think they're Superman and is about to jump off a building, what happens?
I scream. My scream makes him jump. But then it also calls a random wild dragon, which flies under Avi and catches him before he can go splat.
16) Would 2 prefer the beach or the mountains?
Mountains. Because there’s SNOW there!!! (But maybe the beach, because then she could freeze the waves…)
17) Would 1 battle a shark?
No. Why the heck would she want to do that?
18) Which OCs hate each other?
Unknown and Tempest kind of hate each other… but then again, they are siblings… kind of…
19) Which OC did you create first? And last?
Err… Saige was probably first… and Unknown was last, I think…
20) If those two were fighting, who would win?
Hmm... that's a hard one. That’s actually a better duel than I might have ever thought up. They both have staffs –– Unknown’s is a quarterstaff, but whatever –– and they’re both fast. I would think Unknown, because he’s older and has been training for so long, but Saige, since she’s a demigod and everything, has more experience. One touch of that enchanted tip to Unknown’s skin, though, and duel’s over for him. Except that he’s good with the quarterstaff and can keep Saige's staff from touching him… probably Unknown. Maybe.
21) What are 1 and 2's favourite foods?
Artemis and Serene: (exchange glances) CHOCOLATE SLURPEES!!!
Me: Umm… that just sounds gross… even to me...
22) 2 and 8 meet each other. What would happen?
Serene: Hey… do I know you?
Avi: You look like Sylvia. Wow, Sylvia... except that you don't have green eyes... I love Sylvia's green eyes... (goes all dreamy-eyed)
Serene: If you weren’t two inches shorter than me and dark-haired, I’d think you were Jack.
Avi: Who’s Jack, Syl –– I mean, what’s your name?
Serene: *slaps him* None of your beeswax, hobo.
Avi: I AM NOT A HOBO!!! I am a traveling pickpocket.
23) If 4, 5, 6 and 7 went out drinking, what would happen?
They’d all get kicked out, because they’re all way too young.
24) What would be the weirdest pairing?
Petronius and Saige. Or Petronius and Serene. Or Petronius and Artemis. Or Petronius and Tempest. Umm, never mind. He’s just weird with all of the chicks listed. And don't even get me started on the dudes.
1.You must choose only ONE of your OCs. Do it again if you wanna use another OC.
Quiz is for Saige Thanem. You can read about her in my Percy Jackson and the Olympians fanfic, Death's Deception... (I would greatly appreciated if you did, and dropped reviews to!)
1.) Hi!! What's your real name and nickname?
My full name is Saige Annaliase Thanem. Hey, I just noticed! My initials say SAT! Agh! Sorry for my ADHD. I got it super bad.
People usually just call me Saige, because calling me otherwise would get their butts kicked by me. Nico has his own nicknames for me, but those I shall leave strictly confidential.
2.) That’s interesting...what's your current age?
3.) Uh huh. What's your favorite food?
4.) Your favorite drink?
5.) Confession time! Who's your crush/lover?
If he reads this, I'll kill you.
But just a little bit...
6.) Aww! Have you two kissed yet?
Even demigods have the freedom of speech. And I am free to choose not to speak.
7.) Classic question! What's your favorite color?
Purple. Deep, dark purple. Or maybe black.
8.) Who's your favorite author?
Rick Riordan, duh.
9.) Now what's your biggest fear?
Clowns and snakes.
Or a clown dressed up like a snake...
Even worse, a snake dressed up like a clown! *shivers in horror*
10.) *stiffles a giggle* I'm not laughing... *bursts out laughing* Sorry. Any siblings?
A half brother named Logan.
11.) Almost done. Who's your hero?
Nico and my dad. My mom was pretty awesome too... for a mortal. Rest in peace, Mom.
12.) Okay, who is your worst enemy?
I've got a lot of them...
My top five, and not in this particular order:
The twelve Olympians (each of whom I have pissed off respectively)
13.) What would you do if your hero and your worst enemy got together?
Dad and Mom would kick their butts. Or at least Dad because Mom's dead.
Nico would just stand there drooling and goggle-eyed because Drew would be wearing his favorite top. *rolls eyes* Yeah, I just went there. He would, too.
14.) Interesting...What would you do if you met your creator?
Me: Hi Saige...
Saige: *cocks head* Do I know you...?
Me: *snickers* She has no idea...
15.) Now, what do you want to be when you grow up?
We'll cross that bridge if I get to it. Not when, if. I don't expect to live past twenty, anyway. (Author's Update: Hehe. Hehehe. SPOILER: she doesn't. Just read the fic...)
The Name Game
I'm just going to use my alias, Sky Darkhorse. And for the record, anything involving my middle name has my actual middle name.
YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
Skyizzle (Not bad.)
YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fave color and fave animal)
Silver Koala (Ehh...)
YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name)
Susan Heron (Double ehh...)
YOUR NOBODY NAME: (letters of your first name scrambled, with an X wherever you want it)
Kysx (Okay, I guess... I don't have many letters to work with, but...)
YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name)
Darskliu (Hehe... sounds like the name of an untrustworthy, shady bounty hunter. I like it n_n)
YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
Purple Coke (Halt in the name of carbonated and caffeinated beverages!)
YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of you dad's middle name, 1st letter of a sibling's first name, last letter of your mom's middle name)
Kruiarn (Not bad either...)
YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's middle name)
Chen (I could live with that.)
YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets)
Black Autumn (Umm... okay, I guess...)
WHAT AM I?
You own a cell phone.
You own something from Abercrombie
You own something from Pacsun
You own something from Hollister (my mom bought it for me for Christmas XP)
You own something from American Eagle
You love/like going to the mall.
You own an iPod/MP3 player. (It's technically my mom's...)
You love Starbucks.
You have been called a brat.
You hate buying things that are on sale
You have more than one house
Black is one of your favorite colors. (Kind of... it's the color I wear when I don't know what else to wear. Which is pretty much always.)
You have thought about death. (Who doesn't think about death?)
You wear chains. (Just a necklace and a bracelet and a ring on my thumb...my friend says it still counts.)
You like heavy metal.
You've shopped at Hot Topic.
You have worn black lipstick.
Your hair was/is dark.
You dislike preps.
You're an athiest/ satanist/agnostic.
You can skateboard.
You've worn plaid.
You like Converse
You hate MTV
You have/had blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair.
You dislike pink.
You dislike preps.
You wear/wore skateboarding shoes.
You love the computer.
You like Harry Potter
You are supposed to wear glasses/contacts
You get straight A's.
You love/like reading.
You were/are in band
You don't care what you look like.
You have a curfew.
You always do your homework.
You never miss school unless you're sick.
You cut yourself over depression.
You have been depressed.
You have black rimmed glasses. (Not sure what that has to do with being emo, but...)
You like the band Evanescence
You cry easily. (I don't mean to and don't want to. Crying shows weakness. But I can't help it!)
You like emo music. (Ehh...)
You hate being called emo.
You keep/have kept a journal/diary.
You have written a sad poem.
You think emo chicks/guys are hot
You like rap. (I hate it)
You are/was in a gang.
You wear/wore rubberbands in your pants.
You swear once in a while or a lot
You have freestyled.
You have worn high tops with the tongue flipped out.
You can break dance
Total: big fat 0
You like loud music
You love/loved the Ninja Turtles
You never walk anywhere.
You wear slip-on shoes.
You wear/wore Vans.
You like the band Panic! At the Disco
You wear band t-shirts.
People have called you a freak and meant it.
You love to "hardcore" dance
Hair has been dyed more than 1 color
You watch/watched the Superbowl.
You own track shoes or other sports related shoes. (VOLLEYBALL! Mwahahahaha!!!)
You collect your jerseys.
You have a wall or shelf dedicated to your trophies / awards (They're mostly spelling bee and math olympics and writing competition trophies and awards... though I do have one from a taekwondo competition! That counts!)
You have posters or plaques of famous athletes.
Your garage consists of sports equipment
You belong/belonged to a team. (VOLLEYBALL)
You are going/did go to a sports summer camp (for two weeks, two hours a day...doesn't count, I don't think)
You have a specific number (9)
Total: 5.5 (but I'm still SOOOO not athletic)
I'm an emo nerd!!!
YOUR GUY SIDE:
You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
Dogs are better than cats.
It's hilarious when people get hurt. (Kinda depends on who it is though...)
You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck. (Except for The Book Thief. You can't beat The Book Thief, like, ever.)
You own/ed an X-Box.
You played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You watch sports on TV. (sometimes!)
Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
You like going to high school football games.
You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
Baggy pants are cool to wear.
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Sports are fun.
You talk with food in your mouth. (All the time)
You sleep with your socks on at night.
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/chapstick.
You love to shop.
You wear eyeliner.
You wear the color pink
You go to your mom for advice.
You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
You like hanging out at the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures. (I like falling asleep in the massage chairs...)
You like wearing jewelry. (Just my lucky thumb ring and my silver bracelet...)
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars. (*gasp* How could they...!)
You were in gymnastics/dance.
It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
You smile a lot more than you should.
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing perfume.
You love the movies.
You used to play with dolls as little kid. (Emphasis on "USED TO".)
You like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it. (Joke. Especially when they are not aware of me doing it.)
You like being the star of every thing.
This is the stupidity test! 100 stupid things that people do! Bold the ones that you have done!
1. Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out.
P.S. You also didn't realize there was a number missing until you read this
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is loser cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on
This has got to be one of the most clever brainteasers I've ever seen. Someone out there either has too much spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.
MOTHER IN LAW
THE MORSE CODE
ELECTION — RESULTS
A DECIMAL POINT
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
Have an American history teacher explain this… if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford'.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
Now here’s the kicker.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Ladies and gentlemen, skinny and stout
One bright day in the middle of the night
A blind man came to watch fair play
He lived on the corner in the middle of the block
He crashed through the wall without making a sound
I watched from my corner of the big round table
If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.
After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labor to reading six lines aloud.
Dearest creature in creation,
English Pronunciation by G. Nolst Trenité
Right Beside You
So, here's how it works: 1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc). (I used my iPhone.) 2. Put it on shuffle. 3. Press play. 4. For every question, type the song that's playing. 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button. 6. DON'T LIE GEEZ.
What is your motto?
What do your friends think of you?
What if you got so mad that everyone stayed away from you and let you have your space for four days?
What if there was a stalker chasing you?
What would you do if your friend left you?
What if you saw a bunch of random people/things?
What if a male friend did every thing an adult can do?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
What do you think when you see the person you like?
What do your parents think of you?
What will you dance to at your wedding?
What will they play at your funeral?
What is your hobby/interest?
What would you do if you worked at a casino?
What do you think of your friends?
What is the worst thing that could happen?
What if your brother/sister never stopped bothering you?
What is the one thing you will regret?
Where would you like to go?
What has a catchy beat?
Will you ever get married?
Does anyone like you?
If you could go back in time, what would you change?
What will you do to make the class laugh?
What will you post this as?
Take 3 minutes and try this...it will freak you out...BUT NO CHEATING!
This game has a funny/spooky outcome.Don't read ahead...just do it in order!
It's worth a try.
First..get a pen and paper.
When you actually choose names, make sure it's people you actually know and go with your first instinct.
Scroll down one line at a time...and don't read ahead or you'll ruin it!
1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want
3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex
4. Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.
5. Write down four song titles in 8,9,10, and 11. (Go with your instincts!)
6. Finally, make a wish.
And now the key for the game...
1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game.
2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out
.4. You care most about the person you put in 4.
5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well
.6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.
8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
9. The tenth space is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.10.
11 is the song telling you how you feel about life
NOW...post this bulletin (don't reply) within the hour. IF you do, your wish will come true...If you don't it will become the opposite.
There's a 13 year old girl, and she wished that her dad would come home from the army, because he'd been having problems with his heart and right leg. It was 2:53 p.m . When she made her wish. At 3:07 p.m. (14 minutes later), the doorbell rang, and there her Dad was, luggage and all!!
I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the verge of quitting. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he was promoted and was leaving for another city. Believe me...this really works!
My name is Ann and I am 45 years of age. I had always been single and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after receiving this email) I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life. That was at 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office.He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked me out a week later. We married 6 months later and now have been happily married for 2 years.
What a great email it was!!
Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish. Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish to come true).
Go for it!
Congratulations! Your wish will now come true in your age minutes.
Now follow this carefully...it can be very rewarding!
If you repost this within the next 5 min. something major that you've been wanting will happen.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday (don't know the date...) of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter .
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
You say Twilight
I say Rise of the Guardians
You say vampires
I say Guardians
You say Jacob Black
I say Pitch Black (who cares if they have nothing in common?)
You say Team Edward
I say Team Jack
You say Robert Pattison is hot
I say Chris Pine is HOTTER (in either his animated Frosty form or his Star Trek form; if I cared I'd say so)
You think Bella and Edward are the perfect dream couple?
I beg to differ... it's so Frostbite
You say Edward
I say Bunnymund... beat that, punk
Never seen Twilight, nor read the books, nor care a crap. If I got something wrong, tell me and I will grin with pride and mischief.
Copy and paste if you think that our Guardians are better!
You know you’re a Rise of the Guardians fan when…
– You think of Jack every time you get a snow day.
– You think of Sandy when you have a good dream.
– You think of Pitch whenever you have a nightmare.
– You think of Tooth whenever you see a hummingbird.
– You think of Bunny whenever you see a colored egg.
– You think of North whenever you see a snow globe.
– You think of the Yetis whenever someone mentions Bigfoot.
– You think that the elves in Lord of the Rings are way too tall.
– You like going barefoot.
– Snow is your instant happy button.
– You’re not scared of the dark anymore.
– You get sad every time you watch the movie and Sandy dies, even if you know what happens.
– You can quote most/all of the movie.
– You have good explanations for the children in your life when they ask you questions such as "What does the Tooth Fairy do with my teeth?" and "Where do bad dreams come from?"
– Shepherds’ staffs are cool.
– You had an instant crush on one of the characters.
– You’ve tried doing the characters’ accents.
– You’ve tried not talking and communicating only with pictures.
– You despise the Santa Claus movies — 1, 2, and 3.
– Especially 3.
– You like albinos.
– You’re not ashamed to tell people that ROTG is your favorite movie.
– You think people who don’t like ROTG are weird.
You say Twilight
I say PJO
You say vampires
I say demigods
You say Team Edward
I say Team Percy
You say Jacob Black
I say Lycaon
You say Emmett and Jasper
I say Grover and Tyson
You say Alice and Rosalie
I say Annabeth and Thalia
You say Esme and Carlise
I say Sally and Paul
You say Bella
I say Annabeth
You say Erik and Angela
I say Percabeth
You say Riley is hot
I say Nico is hotter
You say fangs
I say Celestial bronze
You say Twilight's best
I say "It has no Leo Valdez"
You say Edward Cullen
I say Percy Jackson
NOW SHUT UP!!!
Copy and paste if you think PJO & HoO are better than Twilight :)
Percy Jackson fans say, "I want to go to Camp Half-Blood!"
Harry Potter fans say, "I want to go to Hogwarts!"
Hunger Games fans say, "Nah, I'm fine where I am."
Team Nico because...
Edward sucks blood
Jacob smells like a wet dog
Harry is overrated
Percy has fish breath
And you and I both know
That being able to raise the dead is just plain HOT
In loving memory of...
...Luke Castellan, who died to save Olympus and will always be remembered as a hero
...Zoe Nightshade, who went on a quest knowing very well that she would die
...Bianca di Angelo, who sacrificed herself to save her friends
...Daedalus, who died to prevent Luke's army from using the Labyrinth
...Silena Beauregard, who died a hero
...Charles Beckendorf, who let himself die for the sake of a mission's success
...Ethan Nakumura, who redeemed himself in the end only to be killed by Kronos
...Everyone else who died in the Titan War
The Percy Jackson pledge:
I promise to remember Percy
Whenever I'm at sea
I promise to remember Annabeth
Whenever a spider comes at me
I promise to protect nature
For Grover's sake of course
I promise to remember Luke
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Chiron
Whenever I see a sign that says ''Free Pony Ride''
I promise to remember Tyson
Whenever a friend says they'll stick by my side
I promise to remember Thalia
Whenever a friend is scared of heights
I promise to remember Clarisse
Whenever I see someone that gives me a fright
I promise to remember Bianca
When I scold my younger brother
I promise to remember Nico
When I see someone who doesn't get along with others
I promise to remember Zoe
Whenever I watch the stars
I promise to remember Rachel
Whenever a limo passes my car.
I promise to remember The Stolls
when my home is beginning to unsettle.
I promise to remember Beckendorf
whenever I see someone working metal.
I promise to remember Silena
whenever a friend takes one for the team
I promise to remember Michael Yew
whenever I see a smile that gleams.
I promise to remember Briares
whenever I see someone playing hand games.
I promise to remember those lost in the Battle of the Labyrinth
whenever I see a cloth in flames.
I promise to remember those campers who fought against Kronos
whenever I see someone go against the odds.
Yes I promise to remember PJO
Wherever, wherever I may go
The Hunger Games pledge:
I promise to remember Rue
When mockingbirds’ songs wake me
I’ll think of Foxface every time
I eat a strange new berry
If my little sister pets a goat
I promise to think of Prim
And if my best friend acts depressed
Then Gale; I’ll think of him
When I toss some wood in the fire
I’ll think of Katniss every time
And I’ll always think of Peeta
When my birthday cake’s sublime
The Capitol will cross my mind
When someone is unfair
I’ll be sure to think of Clove
Each time I pretend to care
I’ll always think of Glimmer
If someone’s pretty, but a dunce
And Thresh will occupy my mind
If I spare someone, something... Once
Whenever I watch a reality show
I will think of the Hunger Games
I’ll sure imagine Haymitch
If someone calls me names
I swear to think of Cato
When I’m homicidally inclined
I’ll make sure I think of Effie
When there’s nothing on my mind
I swear to remember the Hunger Games
And Catching Fire too
It’s important to think of the characters
But they’re NOT mine (So, Collins, don’t sue!)
–– poem's not mine, either... it's by Claratrix LeChatham, apparently, and I have no idea where I found it
YOU ARE A... (bold what you are)
CHILD OF ZEUS
CHILD OF POSEIDON
CHILD OF HADES
CHILD OF DEMETER
CHILD OF ARES
CHILD OF ATHENA
CHILD OF APOLLO
HUNTER OF ARTEMIS
CHILD OF HEPHAESTUS
CHILD OF APHRODITE
CHILD OF HERMES
CHILD OF DIONYSUS
CHILD OF HECATE
Hehe. Hades all the way. That would really, really suck if Nico was my half brother, though...maybe a child of Thanatos, instead...hehe...
Perseus Jackson. Savior of Olympus.
Electricity. That's what will shock you if you mess with Thalia Grace.
Riptide. Percy's lethal ballpoint pen.
Clarisse. That's who will go after you if you beat her in a battle. (And you don't want an angry Clarisse. It's bad enough when she's not angry.)
Yellow duffle bags. Helped Percy, Tyson, and Annabeth.
Jason Grace. Thalia's "lost" little brother.
Annabeth Chase. Percy's girlfriend and official architect of Olympus.
Chiron. Trainer of heroes.
Kaleidoscope. What Piper's eyes look like to Jason.
Silena Beauregard. A hero in the end.
Olympus. Home of the gods.
Nemesis. Ethan's mother. Don't worry, she's getting her revenge on his death.
Atlas. Zoe's father.
Nico di Angelo. The Ghost King, the Son of Hades, and awesomeness incarnate.
Dionysus. The god of wine. (More like the god of Diet Coke.)
Thalia Grace. Hunter of Artemis and daughter of Zeus.
Hephaestus. The father of our favorite fire boy. ;)
Empathy link. What Grover and Percy have. Saved Grover's life a couple of times.
Officers. The immortal skeletons dressed up as officers.
Lupa. The she-wolf we all want to know about.
TYson. Because not all monsters are bad guys. Some like peanut butter. :)
Morpheus. The gods of dreams. Put NYC asleep during TLO.
Persephone. The kidnapped wife of Hades. Believes every hero is brave and wants to give them a chance.
Illiterates. Many kids believe some of the demigods are illiterates.
Artemis. Goddess of the Hunt. Has hunters, including Thalia.
Nothing lasts forever. Even the gods.
Switched. Percy and Jason are switched. Jason at CHB, Percy at Camp Jupiter.
Important Things I Learned From Rick Riordan
Even cat goddesses like growling at birds.
Underwater kisses are way better than normal ones.
The five elements are earth, air, fire, water, and cheese.
Children of rival gods can fall in love.
No one really knows why the Egyptians wrote without vowels.
Nemean lions can be defeated with freeze dried ice cream.
Eating fruit bats is bad for your health.
Contrary to popular belief, hellhounds can be domesticated.
The Set animal does not appreciate being named Leroy.
Yes, that twelve year old wearing a silver jacket is a goddess.
Jackal headed gods can be very attractive.
Math teachers really are evil.
Set's secret name is Evil Day. (Use this to your advantage...)
It's not easy to insult a daughter of Athena.
Elvis was a magician. No, really.
Do not trust the bald man who wants to sell you a water bed.
Boomerangs can cast spells.
It's possible to gamble moonlight.
Even the ferryman of the dead wants a pay raise.
Rainbows have power.
Fruit bats can be deadly.
If you hear a voice in your head, you're not crazy - you just have an uber-powerful god living inside you.
Demons will give you free samples if you ask nicely.
Always say hello to poodles.
Maybe it's more than just a lucky pen.
Blue plastic hairbrushes are dangerous.
Redheads with aforementioned blue plastic hairbrushes — even more so.
Nico just needs a hug.
Panda Pillow Pets are cool.
Mortal: Shut up or I'll slap you!
Thalia: Shut up or my dad will zap you!
Percy: Shut up or my dad will blast you into seawater!
Annabeth: Shut up or my mom will send an owl to peck your eyes out!
Nico: Shut up or I’ll bring you to my dad the hard way!
Beckendorf: Shut up or I’ll invent something to kill you!
Travis/Connor: Shut up or you will be as poor as a beggar! (They’d steal everything away.)
Katie: Shut up or I'll make you eat cereal for the rest of your life!
Silena: Shut up or my mom will mess up your love life!
Pollux/Castor: Shut up or my dad will wrap you with vines!
Clarisse: Shut up. My dad's sharpening his knife.
Chiron: Shut up or my dad will –– oh wait, that doesn’t work. Shut up or I and my buddies will have a stampede on you!
The Great Prophecy
"Percabeth fans shall answer the call
To beat up Rick if Percabeth falls
And to make an oath with their final breath,
That Percabeth will STAY even past their death"
a prophecy, from the Oracle of OTPs
Harry Potter vs. Twilight
In Harry Potter if vampires walk into the sun they die. In Twilight if vampires walk into the sun they sparkle.
In Harry Potter werewolves are awesome and actually kill people. In Twilight werewolves are pedophiles.
In Harry Potter the main character travels to a magical school in Scotland. In Twilight the main character has a 109 year old virgin watching them sleep.
In Harry Potter the villain is a bald guy with a snake called Voldemort. In Twilight the villains are posh vampires that have crazy plans and end up getting killed by Edward every time.
In Harry Potter the main character chooses the hot ginger over the emotional Chinese girl. In Twilight the main character chooses the sparkling vampire over the sexy werewolf with abs.
In Harry Potter when the man Hermione Granger loved left her she continued to search for the horcruxes so they could defeat Voldemort and save the wizarding world. In Twilight when the man Bella loved left her she went numb for months and then jumped of a cliff.
In Harry Potter Robert Patterson dies. In Twilight Robert Patterson lives.
Now try and tell me with a straight face that Twilight is better than Harry Potter, impossible isn't it. To bring this home I'll finish with a song:
Edward ran away
POTTER ALL THE WAY!!!!!
Copy and paste if you think Harry Potter is better than Twilight!
Professor Flitwick … does not know where Snow White is.
Professor Snape … has no wish to get in touch with his ‘feminine side’.
Professor Lupin … has no need for a flea collar. Ever.
Professor Moody … the best ‘teaching’ Hogwarts has seen in a while.
Professor McGonagall … does not take herself too seriously. It is a bad idea to tell her.
Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’.
Harry Potter … is more Emo than Draco Malfoy.
Draco Malfoy … disagrees.
Hermione Granger … has PMS and a wand.
Ron Weasley … is very afraid.
Luna Lovegood … is perfectly sane, thank you very much.
Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat.
Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out.
George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry.
Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter.
James Potter … doesn’t believe her.
Remus Lupin … would prefer less jokes about ‘his time of the month’.
Sirius Black … killed by drapery.
Andromeda Black … is going to marry a muggle – screw the consequences.
Bellatrix Black … is quietly going insane.
Narcissa Black … would like a new hairbrush.
Lucius Malfoy … does not like to be referred to as ‘Luscious Mouthful’.
Voldemort … does not think it would be funny if HP were to put on earmuffs and pulled out a mandrake in his presence.
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
This is the longest, grammatically correct, non-punctuated sentence that one can make with only one word. Buffalo can mean: 1) prop. noun- a city in New York 2) noun- an animal 3) verb- to pester, annoy, or confuse
To make sense of this, replace definition two with 'people' and definition three with 'intimidate.'
Buffalo people (whom) Buffalo people intimidate (also) intimidate Buffalo people.
Courtesy of William J. Rapaport from the University of (where else?) Buffalo!
A student got a 0% on the following exam even when he didn't get anything wrong. How is that?
Q1: In which battle did Napoleon die?
A: In his last battle
Q2: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom of the paper
Q3: The River Ravi flows in which state?
Q4: What is the main reason for divorce?
Q5: What is the main reason for failure?
Q6: What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner
Q7: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half
Q8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
Q9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
A: He sleeps at night
Q10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: You will never find an elephant that only has one hand
Q11: It took eight men ten hours to build a wall. How long will it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all. The wall is already built.
Q12: How can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Any way you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Friends will make plans with your parents before they come to your house.
Best friends will barge through the door and yell, “I’M HOME!”
Friends will bring you your homework when you’re home sick.
Best friends will stuff it down a paper shredder for you and then blame it on their dog.
Friends will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
Best friends will kick the whole crowd’s butt that left you.
Friends ask you to write down your number for them.
Best friends have you on speed dial.
Friends have to be told not to tell anyone.
Best friends already know not to tell.
Friends will help you when you’re lost.
Best friends will give you bad directions and screw with your compass.
Friends will go with you to a concert.
Best friends will help you kidnap the band.
Friends will hide you from the cops.
Best friends are probably the reason they are after you.
Friends will bail you out of prison.
Best friends will be sitting next to you saying, “We screwed up, didn't we? But dang... that was awesome!"
Friends will find you your Prince Charming.
Best friends will find him, kidnap him, and then bring him to you.
Friends will comfort you when he breaks up with you.
Best friends will call him and whisper into the receiver, “Seven days…”
Friends will help you learn how to drive.
Best friends will help you roll the car into the lake so you can collect the insurance.
Friends borrow your stuff for a few days and then return it.
Best friends have had your stuff for so long they’ve forgotten it’s yours.
Friends will leave when they feel insulted.
Best friends will forgive you even if you don’t know what you said wrong.
Friends will ask you if you’re okay when you’re crying.
Best friends will cry with you and then go beat up the sorry loser who made you cry.
Friends will offer you a soda.
Best friends will dump theirs on you.
Friends will console you when your house catches on fire.
Best friends will roast marshmallows and flirt with the firemen.
Friends will ask, “Hey, are you okay?”
Best friends will load up their shotgun before you can tell them what's wrong.
Friends tell you that you look nice.
Best friends will tell you that your outfit looks like puke and help you find a new one ten minutes before school starts.
Friends say "good luck" when you go get your ears pierced.
Best friends help pick out your studs, take before and after pictures of your earlobes, and then put up with the unending questions and mirror-staring.
Friends roll their eyes when you start rambling yet again about your boyfriend (the fourth time that night).
Best friends start rambling with you.
Friends smile amusedly when you get obsessed with something.
Best friends get obsessed with you.
Friends say "See you later!"
Best friends say "I LUUUUUUUUUHHHHHVVVV you!!! DON'T LEEEEEAVVVE!" and tackle/hugs you.
Friends forgive you.
Best friends hold a fake grudge against you until you let them borrow a hair band.
Friends tell jokes with you.
Best friends have countless inside jokes with you.
Friends will help you move.
Best friends will help you move the bodies.
Friends meet your boyfriend and say "Nice to meet you."
Best friends meet your boyfriend and scare the crap out of him by threatening to break every bone in his body if he hurts you.
Friends think you’re insane for jumping off a roof onto a trampoline.
Best friends are jumping right after you.
Friends come over every couple of months for a sleepover.
Best friends are your weekend boarders.
Friends are shy around your boyfriend.
Best friends will tease him until he blushes redder than a fire truck.
Friends call you crazy for running through the bleachers yelling, “IT’S PICKLE TIME!”
Best friends say, "NO. IT'S CUCUMBER TIME!" and then run with you.
Friends will be crying at your funeral.
Best friends will be sitting in jail for killing the guy who murdered you.
Friends will ignore this.
Best friends will repost this crap!
Yay band nerds! :D
If you think it's hard to:
7 Ways to scare your roommates
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you're hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No. I want to watch them suffer."
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile :)
Fun things to do on the elevator!
1.) Smack your forehead while muttering, "Shut up, shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
2.) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3.) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"
4.) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
5.) Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
6.) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open up by themselves.
7.) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
8.) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9.) Meow occasionally.
10.) Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
11.) Say "DING" at each floor.
12.) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
13.) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
14.) Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
15.) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
16.) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on."
17.) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
18.) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
19.) Try to make a personal call on the emergency phone.
20.) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
21.) When there's only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
22.) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
23.) Try to order pizza from the emergency phone.
24.) Ask if you can push the buttons for people but push the wrong ones.
25.) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"
26.) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's MINE!"
27.) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
28.) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
29.) Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the other passengers.
30.) Swat at flies that don't exist.
31.) Offer to sell "preowned" gum to other passengers.
32.) Shout, "I love this song!" and start tapping your foot and humming the tune –– when no music is being played.
33.) Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, and run back on.
34.) Call out randomly, "GROUP HUG!" then enforce it.
35.) Bring a dead light bulb on board, wait a few seconds, then hold it up and say ominously, "The sun. It is dying."
36.) Argue with yourself.
37.) Keep your finger on (but not necessarily in) your nose at all times.
38.) Put an ice cream cone on your head and say out of the blue, "I'm a beautiful unicorn!"
39.) Drop a coin. When someone goes to pick it up, loudly rip a piece of construction paper and watch their reaction. Most people will check to see if they ripped their pants.
40.) Look around and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" –– especially on long trips.
41.) Stare up at the ceiling, smile, and wave. Make sure one of the other passengers is looking your way.
42.) Blurt out random lines from asdf.
43.) Ask "Are we there yet?" three seconds after the doors close.
44.) Bring one of those tiny battery powered fans, hold it in front of your face, and sing, "I believe I can fly..."
45.) If someone starts talking to you, say, "Lo siento, no hablo ingles..."
46.) Use a banana like a phone and talk into it like nothing is wrong.
47.) If someone asks if you're okay, ask if they want fries with that.
48.) Finish all sentences with, "In Accordance To The Prophecy".
49.) Place a whoopie cushion right by the doors.
50.) Talk to an avocado and call it a mango.
51.) Ask people if they want to go to Neverland and give them the entire Peter Pan summary of how to get there.
52.) Cry. When someone asks if there's something wrong, say in a sniffly voice, "I just lost my sheep! And I don’t know where to find them! I just hope *sniffle* that if I leave them alone, they'll come home, bringing their tails behind them."
53.) Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose.
54.) Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
55.) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
56.) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
57.) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
58.) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
59.) Ask suddenly, "Did you feel that?"
60.) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
61.) When the doors close, announce to the other passengers, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
62.) Tell people that you can see their aura.
63.) Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
64.) When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh no, not now... motion sickness!"
65.) On long trips, frown and mutter repetitively, "Gotta go, gotta go", and then sigh and say, "Whoops. Never mind."
66.) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
67.) Leave a box between the doors.
68.) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
69.) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
70.) Bring a chair along.
71.) While the doors are opening, hurriedly and loudly whisper, "Hide it... quick!" then whistle innocently.
72.) Ask if anyone wants to hear you recite poetry. Don't make the words rhyme.
73.) Let your cell phone ring. Don't answer it.
74.) When the doors close, sigh and say, "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days."
75.) Take off shoes before entering. Look shocked when no one else does.
76.) Congratulate all for being on the same lift as you.
77.) Ask people what floor they want, then raise an eyebrow and ask, "Is that your final answer?”
78.) Dress up in a long black cloak with a hood, stare at everyone, and in a deep voice announce, "It is time..."
79.) When getting off, get emotional. Hug everyone and tell them that you will never forget them.
80.) Before getting off, give a random person a briefcase and whisper, "You know what to do." Walk out without another word.
81.) Say, when there are more than eight people on board, "I know you are all wondering why I have gathered you here."
82.) Ask other passengers if they know when the undead squirrels will rise.
83.) Recite an entire movie. It matters not what it is.
84.) Start reciting the alphabet backwards. Every time, skip X, stop at T, say, "Darn! Forgot X! Start over!" and repeat.
86.) Read an invisible book. If someone asks why you are holding your hands like that or if you're okay, say, "Shh! I'm at a good part!" and turn the imaginary page.
87.) Play Angry Birds on your phone. Turn the volume up all the way. Freak out and start to cry if you don't pass a level.
88.) When wearing a watch, tap a person on the shoulder with the hand that has the watch and ask if they know the time. If they point out that you're wearing a watch, pretend that you don't know what they're talking about.
89.) Set your watch timer to go off. When it goes off, pretend like you don't hear it and let it beep.
90.) Ask people if they want to see your secret freckle.
91.) When the elevator is going down, holler, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!"
92.) Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket".
93.) Wear a black hoodie, stand in the back corner of the elevator. Wait until at least ten other people have boarded, then after the doors close start reciting "Ten Little Soldiers" in a creepy voice.
94.) Ask people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
95.) Have a (fake) conversation on your phone in a whisper voice while in the back of the elevator, then suddenly break out in an evil laugh (MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!), following it with, "Ah, Judson. You do come up with the most evil schemes, no?"
96.) When standing near a "high class" person, ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
97.) Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
98.) Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants.
99.) Start singing the alphabet song. If no one sings with you (which they will not) insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?"
100.) Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
101.) Before getting on the elevator, put powdered sugar in your hair. When on the elevator (and while standing next to someone, preferably another "high class" person) scratch your head a lot.
Ways to annoy people at the movie theater
Go, "Oooooh. . . " whenever anyone kisses.
Clap when a good guy gets killed.
During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
Yell out what is going to happen.
Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.
Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
Wear 3D glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effects are.
Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.
Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.
Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.
Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino. . . )
Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.
Try to start a wave.
Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.
Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"
Sing with the theme music.
Bring and use your own air freshener.
At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies. "
Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.
Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.
Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.
Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.
Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.
Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.
When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"
Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.
Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.
Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.
Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.
Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself.
Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.
Before the movie begins, tape fart cushions to various chairs in the theater room.
Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.
Bring a water gun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking then say very loudly, "SHH!"
Before the commercials start and people are just coming in, shout so that people outside can hear, "I'M SO VERY SORRY! YOU'RE TOO LATE!"
Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"
Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can hear it, like when the killer's name is going to be said.
Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.
Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.
Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.
Pass by a room that's showing a movie you've already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the end.
Pick one character (particularly a major character) and mirror everything that the character does.
25 Ways to Annoy the Pizza Guy
1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over 30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker's voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
25. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Forty-six Laws of Anime
Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito
1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
6. Law of Temporal Variability
7. First Law of Temporal Mortality
8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality
9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
11. Law of Inherent Combustability
12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
13. Law of Energetic Emission
14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
15. Law of Inexhaustability
16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
19. Law of Demonic Consistency
20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
26. Law of Feline Mutation
27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
29. Law of Melee Luminescence
30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
32. Law of Follicular Permanence
33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
34. Law of Probable Attire
35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination
37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
39. Law of Inverse Attraction
40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
41. Law of Xylolaceration
42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Rules to follow if you want to be a successful Evil Overlord:
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him, then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum –– a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way –– even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless –– my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naïve, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45 MB in size.
To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
I will not outsource core functions.
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
50 AWESOME WAYS TO MAKE YOUR TEACHER WANNA BACKHAND YOU!!!
1. Walk into the classroom like a super spy. (keep your back on the walls as you walk, point your finger up like a gun, look around with shifty eyes, hum the mission impossible theme, etc.)
2. After everything your teacher says, ask why continuously.
3. If your teacher is yelling at a classmate, wait for them to finish their tantrum then ask” DOES SOMEBODY NEED A HUG??” very loudly.
4. If your teacher starts blowing up at you for saying that, simply reply, “wow I can tell you’re a blast at parties”
5. Sit in a corner and wait for everyone to stare at you. When they do, grab your head and scream “ THE LIGHT! MAKE IT STOP! ARGH IT BURNS!!”
6. Flick pieces of paper around the class.
7. When your teacher tells you to stop, cross your arms and say, “Your racist against paper aren’t you.”
8. Don’t do your Homework.
9. When your teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework say “I dropped it while beating up this guy for saying you’re the worst teacher ever.” then sit there and smile sweetly.
10. When you have a substitute teacher, wait for them to write their name on the board. Then when they say hello my name is Mr./Mrs (insert name here), you stand up and say “PROVE IT!”
11. When your teacher asks why you were late say, “My goldfish died.” Then burst into tears.
12. When handing in your homework, write "This paper will self-destruct in 5 seconds." at the bottom.
13. When you leave the class bow and say, “May the force be with you, young one.”
14. When the teacher turns the light off, start singing opera as loud as you can. When they turn the light back on, look around pretending to be confused.
15. Whisper to the person next to you. When the teacher comes up behind you, scream “OMG GET AWAY! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!!”
16. Walk into class dancing the Macarena
17. Tell your teacher you heard the other teachers talking about him/her in the staff room
18. Raise your hand and say "I totally agree!" after everything your teacher says
19. Spend the whole lesson trying to lick your elbow
20. Speak in French.
21. Come late to class in a Spider-Man costume; say there was "a disturbance”
22. When they tell someone to turn around have everyone in class do it as well
23. "The homework’s due now? Oh, give me a minute then."
24. Hand in an essay where every word is misspelt.
25. Run in the room screaming, “THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
26. When the teacher asks you why you are late, say, “The queen is never late, everyone else is simply early."
27. When a teacher asks you a question, say, “I’m sorry, the brain you tried to reach has been disconnected, please leave me alone or try again later, thank you.”
28. When the teacher turns on the overhead projector, scream “AAH MY EYES!!”
29. Tell yourself knock-knock jokes, then laugh loads.
30. Hide under your desk and yell “THE SKY IS FALLING!”
31. When someone knocks on the door, shout “OH NO, THEY’RE COMING FOR ME!”
32. Bring in a 4th Grader and says he’s your new pet.
33. In your technology lesson, when the teacher asks you what you are making, say a nuclear bomb.
34. When your teacher asks you a question, just stare at them.
35. Constantly talk to yourself in a low voice.
36. Purposely fall off your chair and make a big scene about it.
37. If you’re playing a really boring game, make a big deal if you win.
38. Glue all their scissors together.
39. Make paperclip jewelery. I.e. necklaces, earrings, etc…
40. Pull out one strand of someone’s hair and yell “DNA!”
41. Wear a sticker or a badge that says ‘I am retarded’
42. Talk to a pen.
43. Put your hand up in a test and wait for your teacher to come over. When they whisper what’s wrong, yell “NO I WON’T MAKE OUT WITH YOU AFTER CLASS!”
44. Yell “LIAR!” to everything they say.
45. Smile. All the time.
46. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, IT’S SPREADING!”
47. When a substitute teacher is taking attendance, say everyone is missing. Then, if they ask who you are, say ‘Your worst Nightmare’
48. When you know the answer, bounce up and down and go "OOOHH I KNOW THIS!!"
49. When a teacher calls on you say, "I forgot" to every question she asks.
50. If you have to blow your nose in class, blow your nose to the tune of your favorite song.
16 ways to perplex, confuse or just scare people in a Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
10. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
11. Type on Chatroullette for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
12. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
13. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
14. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
15. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
16. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
20 Things To Do When You Drive Through A Drive Thru!
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies.
6. Drive in circles around the drive through, ordering just one item of your order each time you pass the window. For added fun, change clothes, hairstyles, glasses and fake beards with each pass.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Leave a big 4 litre bottle of ketchup on your dashboard. When asked if you would like ketchup with your meal, laugh sadistically for a few seconds, then adopt a serious expression and gesture to the bottle on your dashboard.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. Drive up to the window. Then, without saying anything, produce a tape-measure. Measure all aspects of the window, make a note of the measurements in a notebook, then drive off.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come out, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "No." Then wind up your window and just sit there staring straight ahead.
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Order 10 large milkshakes. When they arrive, get out of your car, open the bonnet and pour 9 of the milkshakes into the oil filler. Place the remaining milkshake onto the pavement, and stare solemnly at it for three or four minutes with your head bowed. Then drive off. Circle the block for 1 minute, then drive back and do it again.
15. When asked to pay for your order produce a huge bucket of pennies. Attempt to hand the heap of change to the cashier, but 'accidentally' drop it all over the pavement. Spend 10-15 minutes picking it all up, then when you have collected it all, pay by credit card.
16. Attempt to barter for your food. Offer CDs, Cassettes or anything else you have in your car (including friends and family members).
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
21. Think all of this up but never actually do it.
What High School Musical has Taught Us (Or at least the ones who actually pay attention...)
1. If you wish to show your inability or dislike for dancing, it's perfectly reasonable to break out in a dance number.
2. College? It's not important, as long as you can hang out with your friends.
3. If your love is strong enough, fireworks will go off, and lanterns will fly away as you and your boyfriend kiss.
4. Playing sports is a hint that it's time to break into song.
5. Don't worry about being rude/mean because in the end things will work out for you.
6. School spirit is a must. Especially during the summer.
7. Your friends are not human and should always be addressed by the name of their school mascot.
8. Yes! You can paint your locker pink! Screw the school board.
9. You can be a chef, lifeguard, or golf assistant...no experience needed!
10. A guy can never wear too much bronzer.
11. Lakes are the equilivant of mirrors. They can show your reflection perfectly!
12. It is possible to memorize a 3 minute song over the course of 30 seconds...and sing it perfectly!
13. It doesn't matter that you're not a staff member... You can still attend any and all staff events.
14. The phrase 'more moves than an octopus in a wrestling match' is something that can be used in everyday conversation
15. There are two bells that get you out of school. The first one tells you to start singing and dancing, the second announces you should stop.
16. Even though its the last day of school, its okay to leave stuff in the locker for the summer.
17. If your family is 'saving pennies' for your college education and gives you a junky truck to drive because they 'can't afford anything else', it is normal for their kitchen to have expensive granite counter tops and a $7,000 fridge.
18. Pianos can float now. Go ahead, try it.
19. It's perfectly acceptable for a guy to wear girl's capris.
20. If you're upset, just run through a golf course, jumping and spinning, while singing 'Bet on it'...you won't fall at any point, and no one will stop and think 'what the flip?'.
21. You can send telepathic messages to your mom to tell her to pick you up just as you're finishing your breakup song with your boyfriend.
22. A resort can be highly successful when there are way more employees than guests.
23. 'And she stepped on the ball' is actually quite funny. You just need to put it into context.
24. One family can apparently control an entire city, including all educational institutions in the area.
25. It's good manners to refer to your mother as a 'backstabber'
26. Turkey imported from Maine is much better than any other turkey. In fact, it's fabulous...
27. Apparently, it is now possible to hire an entire high school to be the staff at an upscale country club.
28. Iced tea from England is blue
29. Water Bug is a really cute, funny, and romantic pet name. -gags- Gah, my god, Rowsely...
30. Being a teenage paparazzi at school and taking multiple pictures of the same two people is not weird or creepy in any way
31 .When your girlfriend tells you that your shoes don't match your tie, you must do a stupid looking surfer move to see if she's right, you can't just look down.
32. Take two small saucepan lids and bang them together. You'll find they make the exact same sound as a large GONG. Go on, have a go.
33. It IS possible to have any object in the world come in pink & engraved with your initials.
34. If you are the basketball star of your school, you can get yourself, as well as the rest of the school, summer jobs.
35. Lava Springs apparently had no employees, since they had to hire a whole new staff.
36. Don't change your friends, change your dreams.
37. 'What team?' 'Wildcats!''GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!' can fix any problem.
38. Basketball scholarships at the University of Albuquerque depend completely on your musical performance skills
39. Guitars and speaker equipment can be placed near a pool safely.
40.When you frolic with your girlfriend in the golf course, you get in trouble. When you frolic by yourself and sing, nothing happens, of course.
BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A GIRL
1.We got off the Titanic first
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We can wear guy clothes, but if they wear ours they get funny looks
31. At least one girl always survives in horror movies
32. We can put cotton between our toes and paint our nails without feeling the least bit silly
33. Our magazines have horoscopes
34. Girls with guy first names like Taylor sound cool, but it doesn't work the other way around
35. Our friends don't say "hi" by punching us in the arm
36. Yes PMS sucks, but at least we have an excuse to lay around eating chocolate once a month
37. Make-up covers any imperfections we may have
38. If we flirt with a cop, we can get out of a speeding ticket
39. Girl Talk... you know, the way we all just understand each other without having to explain a thing.
40: We can hit guys legally, but when THEY hit US, it's illegal.
You know you live in the 21st century when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a myspace or facebook.
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) You were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you're laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this on your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.
THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY:
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor — we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness..."
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingy."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Whoops...hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9. "There go the lights again..."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
You Know You're a Writer When:
Every time you hear a song, you think of a new story or one you've already written.
You have the last chapters of a story done before even thinking of the characters names.
You often imagine your books becoming movies.
Spell check is your best friend.
You give even the smallest of characters a huge background, often mentally.
You hesitate before killing of one of your favorite characters.
You smile really big when you are going to finally write a character love scene. (Well, it depends on the character...)
Every time you read something, you make your own story of the same thing.
You'll spend an hour trying to find one word cause you won't dare use a synonym.
Not being able to write is like not being able to pee to you... you just can't hold it in for so long.
You write so fast, you leave out words in a sentence.
You have to tell at least one person your whole story before it's even written.
Things that are written badly annoy you and make you want to re-write it better.
You laugh at jokes you wrote yourself.
You can spell words like 'troublesome' but can't spell 'the' half the time.
If you are not writing or typing, your fingers are moving constantly.
You talk to yourself... constantly.
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself.
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else.
When you have to write some sort of story in class, you get carried away.
You would rather die than use words like 'good' or 'nice' and etc.
You put off the last chapter of a story simply because you don't want it to end.
You start to cry when writing about a death or other depressing event you knew was coming, and you are the one writing it.
When on a roll, you will ignore hunger, sleepiness, or the urge to pee until you run out of ideas.
If a story, movie, show, etc. finishes without closure, you have a powerful need to write a suitable ending.
You like to fidget, tap, or chew on the tip of something when you are trying to come up with a new sentence, paragraph, chapter, or story.
You are in love with the thesaurus.
You dream about your stories.
You dream of new stories.
You often revisit some of your old stories.
Someone can call your name twenty times without you hearing if you're writing.
You would rather talk to the voices in your head than the person sitting next to you.
You would rather write than go out.
Your/you're and their/there/they're errors send you into an apoplectic fit.
You get cranky if you don't get to write.
You've heard/seen something, and thought, I need to write that down.
You wake up in the middle of the night and scrabble for a pen and paper you keep next to your bed to write down a scene to make the voices be quiet so you can get some sleep.
Getting the scene finished is more important than coffee, the bathroom, or food.
A blank wall becomes the screen where the scene you're writing takes place right in front of your eyes.
You can't write because you're mad at one of your characters.
Following up on the previous statement, the feeling is often mutual.
You start to laugh out loud in public at what something your character might say.
Even though you try your hardest to resist, you often correct your own grammar on IM.
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself too much.
Your family/friends have come to the ignore the habit of your talking to yourself.
You've apologized out loud to a character after doing something horrible to them.
After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that which comes from above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs..."
You live off sugar and caffeine.
People think you're insane.
You think you're insane.
You check your e-mail every day of the week one week, and then disappear off the face of the earth the next.
Your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you never actually address the point of it.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.
The letters on your keyboard are splattered with nail polish and/or food from all of those times you were too lazy to get up.
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have ADD.
You think it'd be cool to have ADD.
You constantly start talking in the third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start laughing for no "apparent" reason.
Your friends stopped looking at you funny a loooooooong time ago.
However, the above does not apply to the general public.
You failed English 101.
Ways to annoy people:
1. When talking to someone, tilt your head to the side.
2. Snicker at what someone said and say, "I got the movie reference."
3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
4. Name your dog "Dog".
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
6. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think."
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
26. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
28. Ask people what gender they are.
29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day (e.g. when asked what time it is, claim that it's 25 o'clock).
32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a".
35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
39. Mow your lawn with scissors.
41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
49. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
51. Practice making fax and modem noises.
54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting (this is REALLY annoying).
57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over and...
66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
67. Drum on every available surface.
68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
69. Set alarms for random times.
70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of, "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip."
71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
75. Begin all your sentences with, "Ohh la la!"
77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
82. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
84. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
88. When driving, leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
93. "Forget" the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
97. Ask to "interface" with someone.
98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket".
99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
101. Never make eye contact.
102. Never break eye contact. (Kinda hard to do that last two at the same time...)
103. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice (or bleat like a sheep).
106. Say, "Okay, you're gay," to anything someone says.
107. As people talk, smell their shoulders.
108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say, "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
109. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
110. Place your shoes on the table.
111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. When standing near a "high-class person", ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
113. Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
120. Wear odd shoes.
122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.
124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told an extremely funny joke.
127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
131. Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
132. .sdrawkcab etirW
133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
137. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
139. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural".
141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Wear your cap backwards and say, "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
147. Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the".
150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Ride a unicycle to work.
152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows (whatever the latest version is) that aren't actually there.
153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.
155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly. (People already do that, though!)
157. Insist on "Weird Al" sing-a-longs.
158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly. Be sure to mention anyone walking by.
163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
164. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut.
169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the center of someone's anti-perspirant.
174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.
175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.
178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi", "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
180. Put electrical tape over the headlights of someone's car.
181. Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
182. Dress like a "high-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. Demand a dollar in a British accent.
183. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
184. In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
185. Face the back when standing in an elevator.
186. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
187. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card.
188. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
189. Ask people to prove everything they say (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
190. Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
191. Answer every question with another question. As soon as the other person says a statement instead of a question, shout, "I win!"
192. Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things".
193. Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
194. Call every girl you know "dude".
196. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "just better quality".
197. Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment. (Good idea, if you have a death wish.)
198. Call 911 and breathe heavily.
199. Take a shower. Feel guilty. Give it back. (WTF?)
200. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
201. Vacuum your lawn. (See note on 200)
202. Recite Shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
203. Go to McDonalds and ask for a (Burger King) Whopper.
204. Order a pizza and ask them exasperatedly if they can "please put the crust on top this time".
205. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you, ask, "Is that a threat?"
206. When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
207. Also, when riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?"
208. While walking make car noises loudly (e.g. changing gears).
209. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
210. Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
211. Finish each sentence with "monkey see, monkey do".
212. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
213. Pretend you are invisible.
214. Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
215. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.
216. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
217. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!" for no apparent reason.
218. Call everyone a communist.
219. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
220. Call your neighbors collect.
221. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
223. Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
224. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
225. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
226. Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
227. Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
228. While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
229. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
231. Whenever anybody says anything to you, respond by saying, "I know."
232. Send this list to all of your friends through email.
233. Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
234. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
235. Begin every sentence with, "By the Gods!"
236. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling, "I don't see your name on it!"
237. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
238. At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
239. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
240. Put powdered sugar in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head a lot.
241. Turn on the Talk Radio Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.
242. Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers, "I must avenge the death of my father".
243. Scotch tape your door as an anti-theft device.
244. Superglue quarters to floors.
245. Put the wrong date and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.
246. Call random numbers and say, "Hi, this is Julie from Basken Robins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop."
248. Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them in front of other people.
249. Make a loud and abrupt noise when nobody is looking, then face the other direction when everybody looks your way, pretending the sound came from behind you.
250. Lend a book to someone, but staple the middle together.
251. Lend someone a book, but rip out the climax.
251. When making a list use the same number twice.
252. Spel esy wordds rong.
253. Pronounce people's names wrong every time you meet them.
255. Delete random numbers from lists of annoying things and see if people notice.
256. After deleting the random numbers from said lists, see if people will go back and check.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
My mom only had one eye. I hated her... She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family. There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed. How could you do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said. ..."EEEE, your mom only ha...s one... eye!" I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. So I confronted her that day saying, "If you are going to make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?!" My mom did not respond... I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. I wanted to be out of that house, and have nothin to do with her.
So I studied really hard, got a chance to go Singapore to study. Then I got married, I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and my comfort. Then one day my mother came to visit me. She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet meet her grandchildren. When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children!"
"Get out of here! Now!!!" And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight.
One dat, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house in Singapore. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After that reunion, I went to the old shack which was my childhood home out of curiosity. My neighbors said my mother had passed away.
I did not shed a single tear.
Then they handed me a letter that she wanted me to have:
My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to Singapore and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you are coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up. You see... When you were little, you got into an accident , and lost your eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.
With my love to you,
Pass this on if you have the heart to, or just ignore it as if you have never read this.
Love My Mommy:
When you were 5, your mom gave you a ice cream cone. You thanked her by yelling at her that it's the wrong kind.
When you were 9, your mom drove you from swimming class to soccer and one birthday party to another. You thanked her by slamming the door and never looking back.
When you were 10, your mom paid for piano classes. You thanked her by never coming to class.
When you were 12, your mom was waiting for a very important call. You thanked her by talking on the phone all night.
When you were 14, your mom paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by not bothering to write a single letter.
When you were 16, your mom taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you got.
When you were 17, your mom drove you to the mall and gave you her credit card. You thanked her by maxing it out.
When you were 18, your mom cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by partying until dawn.
When you were 20, your mom drove you to collage. You thanked her by saying good-bye to her outside the drom so you wouldn't have to say bye in front of your friends.
When you were 26, your mom paid for your wedding. You thanked her by moving halfway across the world.
When you were 30, your mom fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents became to children.
Then, one day, she quietly died and everything you did came crashing down on you.
If YOU love your mom, re-post this.
Love My Daddy:
At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping it all over his lap.
When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him by never even bothering to practice.
When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. You thanked him by jumping out of the car and never looking back.
When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked him by asking to sit in a different row.
When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked him by waiting until he left the house.
When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion. You thanked him by telling him he had no taste.
When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked him by forgetting to write a single letter.
When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked him by having your bedroom door locked.
When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You thanked him by taking it every chance you could.
When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him by being on the phone all night.
When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked him by staying out partying until dawn.
When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.
When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you how deeply he loved you. You thanked him by moving halfway across the country.
When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him . You thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their children.
And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you ever did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART. If you love your dad, re-post this on your profile
If you have ever had a crush on a fictional character, copy and paste this on your profile and add your penname and the name(s) of the characters you have crushed on:
HollyluvsArty (James Potter, Sirius Black (when he was young), Artemis Fowl)
Sammilovesbutterflies(Mick(from house of anubis),Apollo (XD from PJATO), Peeta(kinda), Fred Weasley),
Most girls like pink
Most girls where eye shadow and make-up
Most girls yell at rain
Most girls love guys who don't love them
Most girls be what other people want them to be
Most girls love to be hated, and hate to be loved
Most girls are selfish
Most girls are fake
But. . .
Other girls like red
Other girls where nothing but their dirty clothes from yesterday
Other girls play in the rain
Other girls kick a guy when he doesn't love them
Other girls be themselves
Other girls laugh at being hated, and love to be loved
Other girls care for others before themselves
Other girls are real
Most girls think this is stupid and hate it,
Other girls will love this and post it immediately
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book.
I am the girl that people look through when I say something.
I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal.
I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face.
I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone.
I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year.
I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain.
BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is
Who doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment)
Who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more
Who hates and isn't obsessed with Twilight
Who even though she wears all black, will crack up with her best friend when she needs cheering up
Who can express herself better with words than actions
Who doesn't need a guy to complete her
And who knows the importance of the little things.
Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone: Iheartjake1220, FaerieRose13, Dancer4Life15, Marigold Winters, SparklingTopazEyes, 7HockeyStarVampireObsessed7, Alice Diana Brenner, Shadows on a Love-Struck Soul, J.Gabrielle, WanderingShadowlight, No1butjoe, Nicole Roza Ozera, And Pidgons Fly35, EnglandPoland, Rosie Luvs Choccie,PrincessOfWisdom-AnnabethChase, I am a naiad glad to serve you, AmandaDaughterOfHades, DarkHorseBlueSky, catlover2976
Fandom is focus.
Fandom is obsession.
Fandom is insatiable consumption.
Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap.
Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime.
Fandom is people in the closet, people out and proud, people in costumes, people in T-shirts with slogans only fifty others would understand.
Fandom is a loud dinner conversation scaring the waiter and every table nearby.
Fandom is you in Germany and me in the US and him in Australia and her in Japan.
Fandom is a sofabed in New York, a roadtrip to Oxnard, a friend behind a face in London.
Fandom talks past timezones and accents and backgrounds.
Fandom is conversation.
Fandom is drama.
Fandom is melodrama.
Fandom is high school.
Fandom is Snacky's law and Godwin's law and Murphy's law.
Fandom is smarter than you.
Fandom is stupider than you.
Fandom is five arguments over and over and over again.
Fandom is the first time you've ever had them.
Fandom is female.
Fandom is male.
Fandom lets female play at being male.
Fandom bends gender, straight, gay, prude, promiscuous.
Fandom is fantasy.
Fandom doesn't care about norms or taboos or boundaries.
Fandom cares too much about norms and taboos and boundaries.
Fandom is not real life.
Fandom is closer than real life.
Fandom is shipping, never shipping, het, slash, gen, none of the above, more than the above.
Fandom is love for characters you didn't create.
Fandom is recreating the characters you didn't create.
Fandom is appropriation, subversion, dissention.
Fandom is adoration, extrapolation, imitation.
Fandom is dissection, criticism, interpretation.
Fandom is changing, experimenting, attempting.
Fandom is creating.
Fandom is drawing, painting, vidding: nine seasons in four minutes of love.
Fandom is words, language, authoring.
Fandom is essays, stories, betas, parodies, filks, zines, usenet posts, blog posts, message board posts, emails, chats, petitions, wank, concrit, feedback, recs.
Fandom is writing for the first time since you were twelve.
Fandom is finally calling yourself a writer.
Fandom is signal and response.
Fandom is a stranger moving you to tears, anger, laughter.
Fandom is you moving a stranger to speak.
Fandom is distraction.
Fandom is endangering your job, your grades, your relationships, your bank account.
Fandom gets no work done.
Fandom is too much work.
Fandom was/is just a phase.
Fandom could never be just a phase.
Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit.
Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.
Fandom is where you found yourself.
But most of all...
I'm sorry that most guys
If you're a girl and you agree with this letter, repost as "I'm sorry"
If you're a guy and you have enough BALLS to repost this letter, title as "What We Don't Understand".
—and now for the complete opposite end of the spectrum—
Girls Don't Realize These Things...
But most of all
Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with idiots who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm Sorry'
If you're one of the few girls with enough GUTS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'
Did you know? Before you go to sleep at night there is one person on the opposite end of the rainbow, thinking of you. They want to kiss you, they want to be with you, they're always thinking about you before they go to sleep at night. They're just longing to be with you. But see, if you repost this on your page within the next ten minutes, that person will approach you in the next thirty days and ask you out, or they will grab you and kiss you. However, if you break this chain no one will like you or ask you out on a date for the next forty five years.
(It's January 18, 2014 as of when I post this...)
(It's March 14, 2014 as of when I come back...completely not asked out or kissed -.-)
Why do Boys Fall in Love with Girls
(This was written by a guy) Don't break this; it's so sweet! :)
1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo.
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.
3. How cute they look when they sleep.
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms .
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.
6. How cute they are when they eat.
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful girl on this earth.
11. How cute they are when they argue.
12. The way her hand always finds yours.
13. The way they smile.
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the caller ID after you just had a big fight.
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later...
16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight.
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you".
18. Actually...Just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it).
23. The way they say "I miss you".
24. The way you miss them.
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore...
26. The way that she looks almost always happy around you
Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitabley consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.
This chain started in 2002. It is a love chain letter.
In an hour you are supposed to repost this. Now here comes the fun part. You then say the name of the person you like or love and then the person will say "I love you," or "Will you go out with me?" NO JOKE!! NOW THE CONSEQUENCES!! The consequences are: If you break the chain letter, you will have bad luck in future relationships. If you don't break the chain, then you will be a happy camper!! Congratulations!! You have been chosen to participate in the LONGEST and the LUCKIEST chain letter on the internet. Once you read this letter, you must IMMEDIATELY (meaning within the hour) post it with the title "why do boys fall in love with girls?" After you send it, make a wish and it will come TRUE
What a boyfriend SHOULD do:
When she walks away from you mad
When she stares at your mouth
When she pushes you or hits you
When she starts cussing at you
When she's quiet
When she ignores you
When she pulls away
When you see her at her worst
When you see her start crying
When she's scared
When she lays her head on your shoulder
When she grabs at your hands
When you see her walking
When she steals your favorite hat
When she teases you
When she looks at you with doubt
When she’s not saying anything
When she doesn't answer for a long time
When she says that she likes you
When she bumps into you
When she tells you a secret
When she looks at you in your eyes
When she misses you
When you break her heart
When she says its over
When she says she's okay
When it’s her birthday
When she’s bored
When you tease her
When she’s sick
When she wants to watch her favorite movie or show
When she has nothing left
When she feels worthless
When she runs up to you crying
When she says no one cares about her
When she just wants a laugh
When she’s been abandoned
When she’s lost
When she’s feeling under the weather
When she’s thrown under the bus
When everything is coming down around her
When she reposts this bulletin
"Do I ever cross your mind?" she asks.
"No," he replies.
"Do you like me?"
"Do you want me?"
"Would you cry if I left?"
"Would you live for me?"
"Would you do anything for me?"
"Choose –– me, or your life."
She runs away in shock and pain. But then he runs after her and says,
"The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
"The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
"The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
"The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
"The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
"The reason I wouldn't do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
"The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life."
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy: No, this is fun!
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself? It's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, there was a story that a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his brake wasn't working but didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live.
If you would do this for a loved one copy and paste.
This is so true...
When a girl is quiet, a million things are running through her mind.
When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.
When a girl looks at you with her eyes full of question, she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a girl answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not fine at all.
When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying.
When a girl rests her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a girl wants to see you every day, she wants to be pampered.
When a girl says "I love you" she means it.
When a girl says "I miss you" nobody could miss you more than that.
Life only comes around once, so make sure you spend it with the right person.
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, and calls you back when you hang up on him.
The guy who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
The one who holds your hand in front of his friends and is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you there for him.
The one who turns to his friends and declares "That's her."
IF YOU ARE ANNOYED BY THE PEOPLE WHO FAVORITE OR FOLLOW YOU BUT DON'T TELL YOU WHY, COPY AND PASTE THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE.
If you are obsessed with fanfiction, put this into your profile.
If you have ever had a dream involving any fictional character (yours or someone else’s), copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’ve been on the computer for hours on end, reading numberous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.
If you should be doing homework right now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever been so oobsessed with something everyone became scared of you because of its effects, copy and paste this into your profile. (teeheehee…FANFICTION!!!)
If Fanfiction is to you what MySpace is to other people, copy this into your profile.
A large percentage of writers don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. If you are one of the ones that do and want to give them a long lecture on the subject, put this in your profile.
If you’re sick of people who don’t use spellcheck or grammar check or even just the plain old reread-through to find el obvio errors, copy and paste this into your profile.
IF YOU THINK THAT WRITING FANFICTION IS FUN EVEN THOUGH MOST OF YOUR FRIENDS SILENTLY DISAGREE AND/OR AUDIBLY TELLS YOU IT’S STUPID, COPY AND PASTE THIS!
If you have ever written an actual book of your own WHICH IS YOURS PURELY AND ORIGINALLY and then at any time caught yourself wondering why you were thinking about writing fanfiction for your own book, then called yourself crazy because DUH, all you gotta do is just slip that into your book, because you are the actual author and owner and creator –– if you've done that, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are against “book butchering” –– what happens when movie companies take a popular book and make it into a movie that totally sucks (*cough Percy Jackson cough cough Eragon cough*) –– copy and paste this into your profile. Add your own coughing suggestions if you have any. I can’t think of any more.
If your profile is longer than the chapters of most of your stories, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If your profile is way too long and filled with unnecessary stuff, copy and paste this into it to make it even longer and more unnecessary!
If you read people’s profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If your profile is so long that you have a table of contents at the beginning of your profile, copy and paste this into the “Copy and Paste” section.
If you are aware of the fact that some people really hate long profiles, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you have too many of these copy/paste things in your profile and don’t care who dislikes it, copy this into your profile.
If you are sick of people talking about Twilight, copy this into your profile.
If you have never read/watched Twilight and have no intention of doing so because it sounds stupid (even to someone who writes fanfics about Santa Claus), copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think Nico di Angelo is the most awesome character in the history of mythological fiction, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think Percy Jackson is a jerk sometimes (especially when dealing with a certain child of Hades), copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are one of the few teenage girls who is annoyed out of their minds by One Direction, or as I (and all my followers should) call them, Wrong Direction, please copy and paste this onto your profile and BE A NONCONFORMIST!!!
If you regret that you were a devoted Directioner for, like, three weeks and during those three weeks bought all of their songs, which are now permanently recorded into your iTunes account, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are absolutely DRIVEN UP THE WALL by those copy/paste things that have some creepy story and then something that says something like, “If you do not repost this within twenty-four hours the girl from this story will come and strangle you during the night” and like to NOT repost them just for the rebellious fun of waking up the next morning thinking, “Nope. Still here”, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are absolutely DRIVEN UP THE WALL by ads and click the block ads button every single time you come on fanfiction.net, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you didn’t know that there was a block ads button until you read this, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you just scrolled down to the bottom of the page and pressed the button that reads “Ads” and then clicked the block ads button, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are smiling because there are now no more ads and will be none for twenty four hours, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’re brain’s like an iPod on Shuffle Repeat, constantly playing the same song over and over and over and then suddenly switching to one that’s completely different at no particular time, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever walked into a room and then wondered why you were there, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes or more, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever wondered why something wasn’t working and then, and only after somebody else pointed it out to you, you realized it wasn’t plugged in, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get, like, two reviews, add this to your profile. (*AHEM*)
If you love chocolate, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that chocolate should have its own food group, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that chocolate should not only have its own food group but also be classified as diet food, copy and paste this into your profile.
If the McDonald’s clown scares the crud out of you, copy and paste this onto your profile.
I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren’t two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren’t two footballs feetballs? And why is one sheep a sheep and two sheep still sheep and one fish a fish and two fish still fish? People call me crazy (which I very might be) but I’m just random! If you’re random (or can be at times) and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile! RANDOMTIVITY USERS UNITE!
If you have ever just wanted to slap someone for no explainable reason, copy this into your profile.
If certain inanimate objects just seem to hate you (STUPID TOASTER) copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever (accidentally or purposely) stabbed yourself and/or someone else with a pencil, copy and paste this into your profile.
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word with less than four letters, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’re a girl who’s tired of people assuming that just because you’re a girl you love pink and can’t fight to save your life, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’re wearing pants right now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’re wearing underwear right now, copy and paste this into your profile. (There better be a lot of people copying & pasting this.)
If you have no life, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are still reading, know that you have no life and that you should copy and paste this.
If you still have to think “righty tighty, lefty loosy” when opening, well, anything, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever said something that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever gone to a sports game, or involuntarily participated in gym class, and at any time looked around and wondered if you were the only sane person in the room, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tried to lick your elbow, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you just tried to lick your elbow after reading the previous, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever choked on your own spit copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or pulled on a door that said push, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that poor rabbit some Trix just to make him shut up, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP sign, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If your English teacher has ever had to tell you to stop reading in class, copy this into your profile.
Teenage girls who are NOT in love with Edward Cullen and/or Jacob Black are fast becoming an endangered species. If you are part of this endangered species and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you get way too excited for books, movies, etc. to come out, copy this into your profile.
If you have friends that fit the descriptions of satyrs or half-bloods, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you openly tell them so and they know not to call you weird for it, because you do it all the time and to everybody, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If one part of you is calm and the other part likes to stand on its head and sing theme songs, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're an honor roll student that still occasionally needs the alphabet to remember the letters' orders, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're in advanced math (for your grade level) and yet occasionally still need your fingers to subtract seven from thirteen, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you sometimes DO annoy people just for the heck of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever written stuff on your car windows when they're coated in condensation, copy this into your profile.
If you can think of at least one person you would like to push down a well, copy this into your profile.
If you wish that fictional characters were real copy and paste this into your profile.
If you really have no idea how this copy and pasting stuff started, but enjoy it anyway, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless (but fun), and you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have read every single one of these up to here, award yourself 5 points and copy this somewhere into your profile.
If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile
If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile.
If you think Goldilocks should be arrested for breaking and entering and the bears should have reported her, copy this into your profile.
Pluto was declared a planet no longer on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for a couple scientists' likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet, copy and paste this into your profile. (Well, I'm small AND off orbit, in comparison to everyone else that is. That doesn't mean I'm not a person! That's my reason for agreeing _)
If you actually know what a semicolon is, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are actually wasting your time being a stalker and reading my profile, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you highly loathe football, copy and paste this to your profile
Just because she once liked Percy doesn't make her the worst girl in the series! If you think people should stop hating on Rachel Dare, copy and paste
If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever thought of something funny, started laughing, and fell & hit your head on something hard, and ended up laughing harder than you were before, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile
If you still have to think 'righty tighty, left loosy' when opening, well, anything, copy this into your profile.
If you know the longest word in the English language, copy and paste this to your profile
If you know the meaning of 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis', copy and paste this to your profile
If you knew 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis' was a word, copy and paste this to your profile
If you knew 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis' is the longest word in the English language, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you don't even bother copy-pasting anymore because your profile has reached lengths that are incapable of loading by your clunker computer, copy and paste this to your profile
If you still copy-paste just for the sake of the length, copy/paste and crap
1F 90U C4N UND3R574ND 7H15 M355463, C0P9 4ND P4573 7H15 1N70 90UR PR0F1L3.
30 percent of kids go to college. The other 70 percent either drop out or don't have the skills to. If you are going to or have been to college, copy and paste this into your profile.
65 percent of teenagers spend more time watching TV rather then reading. If you are part of the 35 percent who read more than watch TV, copy and paste this into your profile.
92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you are part of the 8 percent that stayed with rock, copy and paste this into your profile.
If, at least once a week, someone misspells or mispronounces your last name, copy and paste this into your profile.
If, for no reason, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, copy and paste this into your profile.
If several inanimate objects hate you, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you actually take the time to read other people's profiles, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are against animal abuse, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list: RogueWarrior869, BlackWolfHowling, Bubble Blower, roughdiamond5, Green.Winged.Mistress, MoonStarWithWings, Yourcool79, Someone aka Me, Angelauthor14, James018, 24hourstomakeadifference, DarkHorseBlueSky
If you are against plagiarism, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are against racism, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are a slow runner, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you didn't know that the Alphabet song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune and were both composed by Mozart, copy and paste this into your profile. (I didn't know Mozart composed them. Mind you, I'm not sure whether to believe it anyway.)
If you don't have or want a myspace, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you don't want to be popular or cool, just unique, copy and paste this into your profile.
If youdon'twatch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you get excited over books, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those FanFiction.net ads that pop up right when you're about to click something important, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a friend who thinks Twilight is stupid, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a pet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a tendency to talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself or someone else, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever been called a bookworm and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever been so obsessed with a song you actually A) dream about it, B) sing it in school no matter who's listening or C) know the lyrics by heart and sing it no matter how off key you are, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever been told to go somewhere and you forgot why and had to go back to find out, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever begged your parents for something so much they get frustrated and buy you the thing you were begging for, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever burned any sort of food in the microwave, oven, toaster or on the stove, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever choked on your own spit, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever copied and pasted something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever cried when your favourite character in a movie, TV show, or book died, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever done anything incredibly stupid for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever felt like killing someone because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever felt the irresistible urge to slam your head into something, whether or not it is another person, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever had a conversation or argument with yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to slap someone, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever laughed maniacally until you choked and/or gagged from lack of oxygen, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever missed your mouth when trying to take a sip of water, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said "pull", or vice versa, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever randomly fallen out of your chair, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever ran up a down escalator or vice-versa, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this into your profile...
...if you have ever run into a door and apologised, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a tree, copy and paste this into your profile...
...if you have ever run into a tree and apologised, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever said something and two seconds later completely forgot what you said, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever spent a long amount of time looking for something that you were holding/wearing, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever stared at someone for a really long time for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever stared at your computer for a complete hour copying and pasting stuff into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever stared at your computer screen for hours and hours reading stories that people who have no lives whatsoever and have enough obsession with something to write a story about it have written, and if you are one of the aforementioned people, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever thought about something while you were talking about something else, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tried to hi-five somebody and end up hitting them in the head, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tried to lick your elbow, knowing that it was physically impossible, copy and paste this into your profile...
...if you tried it just then, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over air, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over a person, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped where there is a "watch your step" sign, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever turned around and questioned how you got on those subjects after an entire conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever walked into a wall before, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever walked under something that was at least two feet above your head and ducked anyway, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy and paste this into your profile. (It's called sleeping.)
If you have inside jokes with yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know at least five words to the song 'I Love Rock 'N' Roll', copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know someone who is fighting, has survived, or died of cancer, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know what a lemon fly is, copy and paste this into your profile. (For those who don't, it is a mythical lemon with wings. Ha! Now you know!)
If you like blue, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like copying and pasting things into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like reading, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like singing songs at random points in the day, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like smiley faces, copy and paste this into your profile. :)
If you like to read what people put in their profiles, and you like "copy and paste" stuff, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you love FanFiction.net, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to this list: Rainstorm007, Littlewhisker, Patronus Charm, The Dawn Is Breaking, James018, 24hourstomakeadifference, DarkHorseBlueSky
If you love God and you're not ashamed of him, repost this and see what he does for you tonight... (What's there to be ashamed about?)
If you love reading really long books just for the heck of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you love someone more than they know, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you love to sing even though you may or may not suck, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you or your best friend is completely insane, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you read books or listen to music that no one even knows about, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you realized long ago that there was no point to copy and pastes, but do them anyway, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you run into inanimate objects and then blame them for it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you talk back to the TV, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that cancer is awful, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that fan fiction absolutely rocks, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that human identification thing when you log in to FF.net is annoying, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that writer's block sucks, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that writing or reading fan fiction is fun, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that you have too many of these "copy and paste" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If your friends are weird (but not as weird as you), copy and paste this into your profile.
If your profile is long, copy and paste this into it to make it even longer.
If your profile just keeps getting longer and longer because of all your "copy and paste" thingies, copy and paste this into your profile.
LOL is overused and outdated. Copy and paste this into your profile and join the COL (chuckle out loud) revolution. COL!
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. If you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?" copy and paste this into your profile.
Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you're a nerd and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and lose that it's weird. If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile.
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, so weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
AND FINALLY... if you actually took the time to read all these, copy and paste this into your profile!
FANFICTION –– UNITED NATIONS!! Has anyone else noticed how a lot of us get along and make friends on here and we can be from completely different countries? WTH!? We're here making world peace on the INTERNET and we have all those ambassadors and senators and whatever struggling with it!! If you realize this (or read this and agreed) copy and paste this and add your name and country (country is optional) to the list. SPREAD THE PEACE!!: Naruto-fan-Okami-chan (USA), NaraTemari011 (Puerto Rico), Lala girl in Lalaland (USA), Kakashi Forever (England), NinjasWillRuleTheWorld (Australia), Shadowtheangel (Sweden), Ice Prince Hitsugaya (USA), Gaara of the Desert564 (USA), RebeccaUlquiorraCifer23 (USA), TheCursedOne (Colombia), Wereninja(USA), DarkHorseBlueSky (USA)
For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you laugh uncontrollably at your own jokes. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you laugh when nothing's funny.Crazy is when you crack up if someone says "Oatmeal!". Crazy is when you forget what you're saying in the middle of a sentence. Crazy is when you take the time to write down stuff like this and memorize it. Crazy is when your are going through this as a checklist. Crazy is when you quote Charlie the Unicorn at random moments. Crazy is when you're crazy. Crazy is when start talking nonsense everyday during gym. Crazy is when you convince your friends you're 'amazing' because you can't stop laughing even when nothing is funny. And then all of you convince the nearest adult that you're having a breakdown. Crazy is when you trip up the stairs, and laugh all the way back down them. Crazy is when it is last day of school you scream and run around in circles. Crazy is when you get drunk on air and laugh during the saddest part of the movie. Crazy is when you pick up a stick and run around screaming, "I'm a pixie!". Crazy is when you eat your friend's chocolate bar and tell them that the Purple Sandwich Monster did it. Crazy is when you hug people who hate being hugged every two minutes. Crazy is when after you watch a movie, you search it on Wikipedia. Crazy is when you say "Narwhals are just Unicorns in disguise! I swear!". Crazy is if you have a fangirl moment when reading a book. Crazy is when you do things to people just so they think you're weird. Crazy is mixing all the soda's you can find. Crazy is constantly drawing circles on your arm. Crazy is becoming best friends with people you barely know. Crazy is reading a sad book just to cry and ending up laughing like a maniac. Crazy is when you have a friend who writes you a note about a crazy stalker dog instead of taking math notes. Crazy is when you put on a straitjacket willingly. Crazy is when you respond to someone calling you crazy by saying, "I know. Does it make me look too sane?" Crazy is when you shout during movie previews for the new Twilight "Gimme a gummy bear, Glitter Man!" Crazy is when you run around the house wielding the scented Febreeze Odor Eliminator and yelling "I'm the smelly sparkle fairy! Smell my sparkles!" Crazy is when you steal the art teacher's paint and squirt silver glitter paint onto your hands just because you want glittery hands all day. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!
92% of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch said it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Put this into your profile if you are among the 8% who would be laughing their butts off.
90% of the teenage population would die if MySpace had a system failure and was completely and permanently destroyed. If you are among the 10% who would be laughing (or had hacked the site in the first place and would be reclining in a chair with a proud smirk on your face), copy and paste this into your profile.
95% of teens would panic if Edward Cullen was on a 250-foot building, ready to jump. Copy and paste this if you are among the 5% who would be eating popcorn and shouting, "DO A FLIP!"
97% of teens would scream their heads off if Harry Potter was standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump. If you are among the 3% who would be chanting, "Jump, jump, jump..." put this into your profile.
95% of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are among the 5% who could not care less, put this into your profile and add your name to the list: Queen S of Randomness 016, Queen B of Randomness 016, AnimieKittyCaffe, The Gypsy Pirate Queen, That Bloody Demon, The Astrology Nerd, Shadow 929, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Yavie Aelienel, Hyperactively Bored, Spymaster E, Shanny-Boo, Gem W, Brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, Bara-Minomoto, Em Quagmire, Buffy The Mary-Sue Slayer, Random Little Writer, Larxene II, TeamStarKidPotter, DarkAngel382, Olives-and-Owls, Daughterofthehunt, DarkHorseBlueSky
93% of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're among the 7% who would laugh and reply with the question, "What was your first clue?", copy and paste this into your profile.
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're among the 2% who hasn't, copy and paste this into your profile.
95% of girls would cry uncontrollably if Justin Beiber was kidnapped. Copy and paste this into your profile if you would be among the 5% who would be poking your new prisoner with a sharp stick!
65% of teenagers spend more time watching TV rather than reading. If you are among the 35% percent who read more than watch TV, copy and paste this into your profile.
15% of every high school population is considered "popular". 20% are desperate to become a part of the popular 15%. 20% couldn't care less. 15% realize that popularity doesn't matter. 10% are too busy worrying about their grades to care. 5% are goths, another 5% can speak another language fluently, and yet another 5% are too stupid to realize that no one likes them. If you are a part of the 5% who think the 'unpopular' 85% should rebel against the popular 15%, copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., DigiDestined of Balance, Kimiko Heroux, luv2write and laugh, Souigintou, DarkHorseBlueSky
Pirates are cool. The color blue reminds me of chocolate and Edward Cullen. If two gooses are geese, would two mooses be meese? and if two foots are feet, wouldn't it be two feetball? walrus! AHAHAHAHA!! LUKE I AM YOUR FATHA!! hate lacrosse. Don't ask why. I want some toast. DO THE BARTMAN! SHOOBUS MY WOOBUS and SHOOP DA WOOP, baby! BADA BOOM BADA BAM! NARWHALS ARE POINTY!!!! If a turtle doesn't have a shell is it a streaker or a hobo? I like banana cream marmalade on my pickles. Why does that last drop of soda always stay inside the can no matter how much you shake it? ...if you are random, copy and paste this, then add something random of your own!
EMBRACE THE WEIRDNESS! If You Embrace The Weirdness, Copy And Paste This On To Your Profile And Add Your Name To The List. Emy Em Em, Lady Sakura of the Fated, Sasukez, Fuzzy makes me happy, Lunadance506, Crimsonsunxx, Shadow Dragon13, TheLextacyBlossom,Ino-Gaara, MysteryArtist,GwenFan22, goddess-chan123, crazygurl22,darkness takes all of me, Jasmine di Angelo, DarkHorseBlueSky
If Fanfiction is your way of escaping reality and the rest of the boring people in the world and truly "unleashing your imagination" then paste this in your profile and add your name: Emerald Princess 14, StardustFromThePlanetGallifrey, NarnianLady, KingdomHeartsNerd, Lady Alice101, TheOnlyMarauderette, GodofAWSOMEstuff, Katerina Riley, Aguilita Cruz, TailsDoll13, Jasmine di Angelo, DarkHorseBlueSky
The Price of Children:
This is just too good not to pass on to all. Something absolutely positive for a change.
I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:
· $8,896.66 a year,
Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.
What do you get for your $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day. Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:
finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to: keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the:
· first step,
You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits.
And... one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!
Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense began to lose the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
School – 1953 vs 2013:
Scenario: Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1953: Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.
2013: School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1953: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1953: Robbie sent to office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013: Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1953: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2013: Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1953: Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2013: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1953: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013: Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1953: Ants die.
2013: Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1953: In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
...What kind of sick world do we live in!?
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was black. When I grew up I was black. When I'm sick I'm black. When I go in the sun I'm black. When I'm cold I'm black. When I die I'll be black.
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
COPY AND PASTE THIS IF YOU HATE RACISM!!!
Another awesome thing against racism:
This happened on TAM airlines.
A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man.
Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.
"What's the problem, ma'am?" the hostess asked her
"Can't you see?" the lady said, "I was given a seat next to a black man. I can't seat here next to him. You have to change my seat!"
"Please, calm down, ma'am," said the hostess. "Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I'm still going to check if we have any."
The hostess left and returned some minutes later.
"Ma'am, as I told you, there aren't any empty seats in this class –– economy class. I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there isn't any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class."
And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued.
"Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class.
And turning to the black man, the hostess said,
"Which means, sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class..."
And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene, started applauding, some standing on their feet.
COPY AND PASTE IF YOU'RE AGAINST RACISM!!!
Women constitute half
of the world's populaton,
of its work hours,
of the world's income,
of the world's property.
If you're a girl and hate it when boys look down on you because of your gender then copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're a boy who thinks that women are equal in worth to men and not afraid to show it then copy and paste this into your profile.
Bullying—A Global Problem
“If you come to school tomorrow, we’ll kill you.”—A Canadian student named Kristen received that telephone threat from an unidentified female caller.*
“I am not an emotional person, but I got to the point of not wanting to go to school. My stomach hurt, and every morning after breakfast, I threw up.”—Hiromi, a teenage student in Japan, recalls her experience with bullying.
HAVE you ever had to deal with a bully? Most of us have at one time or another. It may have been at school or in the workplace, or it may even have occurred right at home—where such abuse of power is played out with alarming frequency these days. A British source, for instance, estimates that 53 percent of adults are verbally bullied by a spouse or a live-in partner. Bullies and their victims may be of either gender and from any walk of life in any part of the world.*Bullying among school-age children occurs worldwide. A survey published in Pediatrics in Review reveals that in Norway, 14 percent of children are either bullies or victims. In Japan, 15 percent of primary school pupils say that they are bullied, while in Australia and Spain, the problem prevails among 17 percent of students. In Britain one expert figures that 1.3 million children are involved in bullying.
A recent survey in Britain indicated that when children are subjected to severe bullying, they are nearly seven times as likely to attempt suicide. The emotional pain that these children suffer is real. A 13-year-old boy who hanged himself left behind a note naming five people who had tormented him and had even extorted money from him. “Please save other children,” he wrote.
Bullying has to stop!
Copy and paste this into your profile if you agree and want to see change!!!
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.' I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him.
So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.'
He looked at me and said, 'Hey, thanks!'
There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!' He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.
Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. 'Thanks,' he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began, 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.' I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. 'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.' I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Whatever force might will the heavens into existence and preside over us all, be it God, Allah, Yahweh, or simply a unifying force (personally I believe the first), we were made for a purpose. And despite what might unbalance you in your life, despite what might make you feel unwanted for unneeded — chances are you had an impact like this. The kid you passed in the store and said, "Hey, nice shirt" too might have gotten the spirit to stand up to his abusive stepfather or bullies at his school. Or maybe the Shaolin instructor you always laughed at his jokes might have been a dark, abused child whose only solace was the art, and then his family.
If you're considering suicide, or running a dagger over your wrist, you feel isolated and meaningless. But you want to know something? Everyone feels isolated and meaningless. There are over 7,000,000,000 people on this planet, and at one time or another, they all feel like the rest of the world is out there to spite them. Do you know what this world would be like if that were true? If everyone human soul who thought they were worth nothing killed themselves?
We wouldn't exist.
I'm not the first to admit this race has fallen. There was a time when a solemn handshake was an unbreakable vow of trust. Now even marriage is treated as though it is not sacred. But there are shining examples of the human race still left in this world.
God places his angels strategically. The day I honestly had a knife to my chest was the day an old friend called me up and said, "Hey, no clue if you remember me, but we were friends and you really helped me with my grades." The day when I couldn't help but feel undying contempt for my parents was the day I found a familiar author on this site who, once again, saved my soul. The day I felt like I couldn't change anything was the day someone sent me a review telling me that they were going to keep breathing. There are numerous other examples, but they are all true.
God knew that you would have those thoughts, and the purpose you are meant to fulfill must be fulfilled. Thus, He sends well-chosen people to help and guide you. Sometimes, they're the smile on the street. Sometimes, they're the freaky fanfiction author who randomly PM's you and tells you her life story. Sometimes they're a butterfly that lands on your nose, and sometimes they're even subtler than that.
Look for them.
You now have two choices.
You can either:
1. Put this on your profile.
2. Forget you read this and act like it didn't touch your heart.
As you can see, I took choice number 1.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." -Author Unknown
See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? Last night he talked his friend out of suicide.
See that girl you just called fat? She is starving herself.
See that old man you made fun of because of his ugly scars? He fought for our country.
See that young boy you just made fun of for always being sick? He has to walk home in the snow because his family is too poor.
See that girl you made fun of for wearing too much makeup? You made fun of her for not wearing it too.
See that boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. He doesn't need more at school.
See that guy you just made fun of for crying? He found out that his mother is terminally ill.
See that boy you just called stupid? He has disabilities and studies for hours and hours every night.
See that girl you just called ugly? She spends every cent of her money on clothes and makeup, just so people will like her.
There's a lot more to people than you see on the outside.
Post this on your profile if you're against bullying, anywhere and everywhere.
I bet a lot of you won't.
The one who smiles the most is the one who's the most broken.
The one who fights the most is the one who wants to find peace.
The one who encourages others is the one who always feels useless.
The one who seems insane is the one who is just following a life no one else understands, or will ever believe.
Not everything is as it seems.
It happened just last week.
I was walking home from a friend’s house. I’ll admit it was late. I could have called my dad for a ride, but I only lived five minutes away.
As I came to the road, I looked both ways and saw nothing. I stepped forward.
I hadn’t taken more than two steps when a blinding light came rushing towards me. I was stuck. I couldn’t move. It was as though I had been glued to the road. The last thing I saw was the man driving. His eyes were bloodshot, tired…and in his hand was a bottle of beer.
Now, I lay in a hospital bed.
My back, legs and wrists are broken, as are several ribs.
My lung is punctured, it’s hard to breathe.
There is a large gash down one arm.
I’ve lost so much blood.
I always feel weak, tired.
I need help to eat.
I’m always in pain.
There are several tubes attached to my arms and chest.
I have several bandages and plasters.
I am hooked on a life support machine.
I’m glad they’re going to do it. My family know the pain I’m in. They visit me everyday.
They’ll come to my side.
I’m grateful to them. They give me company, made the pain more bearable, but they know that I have no hope. I have had too much damage. Without the machine my heart will cease and my lungs will stop working.
...they’re going to pull the plug.
I know that I will die.
I know that I’m a hopeless case.
and accept it.
I lay gazing at the plain, white ceiling of the hospital ward, knowing it may be the last thing I ever see.
Repost this if you felt touched your heart. It touched mine...
You stay up for 16 hours.
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
You complain of a 'headache' and call in sick.
You talk about your buddies that aren't with you.
You complain about how hot it is.
You get mad at your waiter for getting your order wrong.
You're mad that class got held over 5 minutes.
You roll your eyes when your baby cries.
Copy and paste this if you support your country's (or any country's) troops.
Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees; a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching, for a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, she smiled up at her Mom
And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone.
'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart;
I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart."
With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far.
You see he was a fireman and died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers and taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.
Every abortion is . . .
If you're against abortion, re-post this.
Don't be afraid to cry.
If you are like me and think abortions are cruel, wrong, and should become illegal, copy and paste this into your profile. No child deserves to die.
As I switch topics in the content of this profile, I would like to address a blindness in society's logic. Many people think that abortions help prevent child abuse, because the aborted babies wouldn't have been wanted or loved properly anyway. I just want to speak my thoughts on that.
There aren't any unwanted children. Hundreds of families wait for a chance to adopt a child, even requesting ones with special needs such as Down syndrome or spina bifida. Many mothers who aborted their child in the third month of pregnancy would have wanted him or her back in the sixth month, and often as a result suffer from grief and guilt afterwards.
Child abuse is the result of a parent/caretaker's feelings for their children, not the children themselves. And in some cases — NOT all cases — the choice of abortion itself allows for a new vent of these feelings. They let the parent think, "I could have killed you when you were three months, so why can't I beat you at three years?"
Long story short: ABORTION CHANGES THE WAY WE THINK ABOUT CHILDREN, inside or outside the womb.
So don't get rid of "unwanted" children, get rid of the unwanting.
(And, for God's sake, girls, keep your bodies to yourselves until you're married. Virginity is a gift; don't spend it on some guy who won't be there for you until eternity. The only kind of "safe sex" comes when you get married and stay faithful.)
*Source: "Why Pro-Life?" by Randy Alcorn
This poem was sent to me by an anonymous Guest reviewer, who went through this very pain as a child and dealt with it by writing about it and summoning up the courage to send it to me. Thank you, whoever you are, and God bless.
This is a true story:
Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic
Her only friend was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair
She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound
Until her parents unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endure
A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?
But she grabs her bear
And softly cries
She loves her parents
But they want her to die
She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
"Please God, why is
My life always sinking?"
Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did
Then one night
Her mom came home high
And the poor child was beaten
As hours went by
Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made
She thrusted the blade
Right in her chest,
"You deserve to die
You worthless piece of s!"
The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying
Police showed up
At the small little house
Then quickly barged in
Everything quiet as a mouse
One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the little girl
Lying dead on the floor
It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms
(add this to your profile if you're against child abuse)
My name is Tiffany
I am three
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren’t ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can’t do a wrong
I can’t speak at all
Or else I'm locked up
All day long.
When I'm awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren’t home
When my mommy does come home
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll just get
One whipping tonight.
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie’s bar.
I hear him curse
My name is called
I press myself
Against the wall
I try to hide
From his evil eyes
I’m so afraid now
I’m starting to cry
He finds me weeping
Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault
He suffers at work.
He slaps and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And run to the door
He’s already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken,
"I’m sorry!", I scream
But its now much to late
His face has been twisted
Into a unimaginable shape
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor
My name is Tiffany
I am three,
Tonight my daddy
IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE Please pass this on.
I was volunteering in a first grade classroom.
I was working with a little boy
Who had cuts and bruises on his face.
We were working on drawing a picture of a sea animal they would like to be.
He said he would want to be a crab.
I asked him why and he said
So that I
In a safe
Repost if you're against child abuse
Don't be afraid to cry
Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school
He told his friends that it was cool
And when he pulled the trigger back
It shot with a great crack
Mummy I was a good girl
I did what I was told
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold
But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye
I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry
When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another
And all because he got the gun from his older brother
Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much
And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister that she is the only one now
And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best
Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest
Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class
And never to forget this and please don't let this pass
Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this
Mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss
And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try
I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry
Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest
But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest
Mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack
Mummy listen to me if you would
I wanted to go to college
I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with daddy
On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married
I wanted to have a kid
I wanted to be an actress
Mummy I wanted to live
But mummy I must go now
The time is getting late
Mummy tell my Chris I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date
I love you mummy I always have I know you know it's true
Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you"
In memory of all of the students that have been lost
Please if you would
Pass this around
I'd be happy if you could
Don't smash this on the ground
If you pass this on
Maybe people will cry
Just keep this in heart
For the people that didn't get to say goodbye
Now you have two choices
2) ignore it
Please just copy and paste this on to your profile and show that you care
Twas' eleven days before Christmas, around 9:38,
When twenty beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air,
They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
They were filled with joy, they didn't know what to say,
They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"Where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"This is heaven." declared a small boy.
"We're spending Christmas at God's house."
When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But Jesus, their Savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and the smiled just the same.
Then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
And in that moment was joy, that only Heaven can bring,
Those children all flew into the arms of their King,
And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
One small girl turned and looked at Jesus's face.
And as if He could read all the questions she had,
He gently whispered to her,
"I'll take care of Mom and Dad."
Then He looked down on earth, the world far below,
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe.
Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!
May this country be delivered from the hands of fools,
I'm taking back My nation. I'm taking back My schools!"
Then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"Come now, my children, let me show you around."
Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran,
All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
And I heard HIm proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"In the midst of this darkness,
I AM STILL THE LIGHT."
–– Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA
I just had two birds to sing for you. I warm you with the clothing of My sunshine and perfume the air with nature's sweet scent. My love for you is deeper than the ocean and greater than any need in your heart. If you'd only realize how I care. I died just for you.
My Dad sends His love. I want you to meet Him. He cares,too. Fathers are just that way. So please call Me soon. No matter how long it takes, I'll wait because I love you.
Repost these verses if you truly believe what they say.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." –– John 3:16-17
"He then brought them out and asked, 'Sirs, what must I do to be saved?'
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith –– and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God –– not by works so that no one can boast." –– Ephesians 2: 8-9
98% of Christian teens will not stand up for God, and 93% of the people that read this won't repost it. Will you be part of the 2 and 7 percent? Don't just ignore this, because in the Bible Jesus says, "If you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven."
Why do we sleep in church, but stay awake through a two-hour movie?
Why is it so hard to talk about God, but so easy to talk about others?
Why are we so bored when we look at a Christian magazine, but find it easy to read Playboy?
Why is it so easy to ignore a godly Facebook wall post, yet we repost the nasty ones?
Why are churches getting smaller, but bars and clubs getting larger?
Think about it.
Mary had a little Lamb, His fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went, that Lamb was sure to go.
He followed her to school each day, t'wasn't even in the rule.
It made the children laugh and play, to have a Lamb at school.
And then the rules all changed one day, illegal it became;
To bring the Lamb of God to school, or even speak His name!
Every day got worse and worse, and days turned into years.
Instead of hearing children laugh, we heard gunshots and tears.
What must we do to stop the crime that's in our schools today?
Let's let the Lamb come back to school, and teach our kids to pray.
He had no servants, yet they called him Master
He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher
He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer
He had no army, yet kings feared him
He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world
He committed no crime, yet they crucified him
He was buried in a tomb, yet he lives today
He is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand a little boy some money back.
The boy couldn't have been more than five or six years old.
The cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him, ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''
The old lady replied, ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''
Then she asked him to stay there for just five minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly.
The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Clause would bring it for her."
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."
His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister."
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me, "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me. I love my mommy and I wish she wouldn't have to leave me, but daddy says she has to go be with my little sister."
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?"
"Okay," he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"
Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!
"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But he gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.
"My mommy loves white roses."
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started.
I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.
And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Now you have 2 choices:
1) Repost this message, or
2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart.
You want to know something that I don't get? Anything that has the word permanent in it. I mean, they're not permanent. Everything fades away eventually. Take this for example.
True story. Now, I hope that all of you who think that life if perfect, all of you who think that it'll stay that way forever, get that it won't be like that for ever. And that you won't just sit back, not worrying one bit about the next day, because you have everything right now. News flash, everything and anything could change your life at the worst times, and not always for the good. You could lose everything.
I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord, Savior, and Redeemer, and could not live without him in my life. If you do too, and aren't afraid to admit it, copy and paste this into your profile, and add your name to the list. Kakashis-First-Kiss, jedigal125, iloveJacobandJasper, Vampirewithasecret, Lacey-The-Invisible-Ninja, James018, AdorableElephant, MelRose520, I am an Anonymous Person, Mango21, mae2551, DarkHorseBlueSky
Without God, our week would be:
Seven days without God will make one weak.
When you carry a Bible, the devil gets a headache.
When you open it, he collapses.
When he sees you reading it, he faints.
When he sees you living it, he flees.
And just when you’re about to re-post this, he will try to discourage you.
I just defeated him.
Like, Copy, & Paste this if you’re in God's Army :)
One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
Someone asked me once, "What do I do if I feel like nobody loves me for who I am?"
Their words got me thinking. I knew what they were going through — I’d felt that way myself quite a few times. I understood. I’d been rejected, ignored, even hated by people I’ve known my whole life. I still am. I began to think that I couldn't answer.
But then I remembered — I have been loved. I am loved. I will always be loved.
Here, I’ll be honest with you.
He’s the greatest guy in the world — literally. I love him and he loves me, but what I’m most amazed with is that even when I don’t love him — when I ignore him for the sake of doing “more important things”, when I break down and scream at him, when I start to wonder if or when he’ll answer my calls, when I demand why, why is he letting me go through all this fear and doubt if he truly loves me — he doesn’t turn away. He never hesitates to listen when I call — in fact, he waits just for me to talk to him, even if he doesn’t answer at first. When I start to think he’s left me to walk the trail alone, I realize that he’s carrying me. Even when I’m at my lowest, when I’ve thrown everything I’ve got at him, when I’m dirty, imperfect, hateful…he still loves me.
It’s true what they say — love must be blind. He’s still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left him bleeding.*
His father loves me too. He can’t wait for the day when I come home to live with his son.
He does everything for me. He comforts me when I’m afraid. He listens to my silent cries and midnight rants, and when he thinks the time is perfect, he surprises me by making everything better. When I saw the review waiting in my email inbox, he smiled, told me, “You know what to say” and helped me when I got stuck. He’s given me a home, a family, a future.
He gave me life.
He gave his own so I wouldn’t have to die.
He defeated death and came back for me.
His name is Jesus Christ, and He is my Savior.
Think of me however you wish; I don’t care. I’m not ashamed. When you love someone — truly, truly love them — and they love you back even more than you love them, why should you keep your love a secret?
I know what you’re thinking right now: “That’s not what I meant. I meant love with a boy, someone I could spend my life with. Not some white-robed figure I can’t see, hear, or feel.”
I have nothing against that kind of love. What I’m trying to tell you is that you don’t have to feel worthless. Because you’re not. Even though you might not be able to see Him, hear His voice, or feel His hand, there is Someone out there who loves you for who you are, for who He is. He’ll never abandon you. He wants to be with you. He wants to save you. He’s knocking at your door right now, waiting for you to let Him in.
He’s asking you to say “Yes”. Yes, I will follow You. Yes, I will devote my life to You. Yes, I want to be with You forever and I will give everything I have to be with You.
It’s the most He could do to die for us. It’s the least we can do to live for Him.
I’ve made that decision. I’ve said yes and I know that when I die my physical death, I can live the eternity of my spiritual life with Him. I’m waiting now, I’m ready to be with Him, face to face. That’s why I don’t fear death.
I’m scarred, I’m dirty, I’m sinful beyond imagination. And yet still He came for me, willing to pay the debt that I and everyone else owed. He suffered and died because of what we’ve done.
And yet He still loves us. He pushed aside death and came back to life, just to wash us of our flaws so we can be with Him.
Once again, I will say that I have nothing against love with a boy. But, once again, I will stress that it’s not the best you can have. I myself have not yet found the man with whom I will spend my physical life, but I know that when God thinks it’s time, He’ll send the right guy. And if not, then I’m okay with that. I’m satisfied in knowing that out there, there is Someone who loves me with everything He has. Someone who doesn’t care about my looks, my clothes, what I own or what I can give Him. Someone who proves to me that I’m not worthless. Someone who pays my passage into His Kingdom with His own life.
And that, I believe, is the best and most important kind of love you can have.
*Lyrics from “Undone” by FFH.
A man was walking on an old, shaky bridge.
He prayed for help and saw God on the other side.
He asked God to come near him and help him cross.
But God didn't come.
The man got angry and with great difficulty, he crossed the shaky bridge to confront God.
To his surprise, when he reached the other side,
He saw God holding the broken bridge.
God's ways are always better and more amazing than ours.
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this to help."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help
Within five minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank you SO much! You are a very nice man."
The man said "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!"
Is GOD GREAT or what!? :)
A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year.
She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.
As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.
When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it.
However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.
She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection.
Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.
When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.
Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.
Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.
She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.
The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him.
She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.
When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.
The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.
She asked if they would ask the man one question.
Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.
When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."
Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God?
Even when you can't see Him, GOD is there!
From a MATHEMATICAL Viewpoint: What equals 100 percent in life? Here's a little formula that might help you answer these Questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K (8118423151811) = 98 percent
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E (11141523125475) = 96 percent
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E (120209202145) = 100 percent
AND, look how far the love of God will take you: L-O-V-E- O-F -G-O-D (12152251567154) = 101 percent.
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students: "Let me explain the problem science has with religion."
The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.
"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"
"Yes, sir," the student says.
"So you believe in God?"
"Is God good?"
"Sure! God's good."
"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"
Now the professor asks, "Are you good or evil?"
"The Bible says I'm evil," replies the student.
The professor grins knowingly.
"Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"
"Yes, sir, I would."
"So you're good…!"
"I wouldn't say that."
"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."
The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"
The student remains silent.
"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.
"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"
"Er… yes," the student says.
"Is Satan good?"
The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."
"Then where does Satan come from?"
The student falters. "From God," he answers after a few moments.
"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"
"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"
"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."
Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"
The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."
"So who created them?"
The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"
The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."
The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"
"No, sir. I've never seen Him."
"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"
"No, sir, I have not."
"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"
"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."
"Yet you still believe in him?"
"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"
"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."
"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."
The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?"
"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."
"And is there such a thing as cold?"
"Yes, son, there's cold too."
"No, sir, there isn't."
The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest, minus 458 degrees.
"Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."
Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.
"What about darkness, professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?"
"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?"
"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word.
"In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?"
The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"
"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."
The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?"
"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure.
"Sir, science can't explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.
"Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"
"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."
"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"
The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.
"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an ongoing endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"
The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.
"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean."
The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.
"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir."
"So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"
Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.
Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."
"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"
Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
The professor sat down.
Really Random Joke:
A man went out to buy a horse. He found one that he liked, but then the man who was selling the horse said, "This horse is special. This horse is a Christian horse."
"How so?" asked the man.
"Well," explained the seller, "when you want him to go, you have to say 'praise the Lord'. And when you want him to stop, you have to say 'amen'."
"Okay," said the man, and paid for the horse.
When he went home to ride the horse, he got on. "Giddyup!" he said, but nothing happened. Then he remembered the horse seller's words, and then said to the horse, "Praise the Lord."
Immediately the horse took off in a gallop. The man hung on for dear life as the horse sped away, and gasped when he saw a steep, high cliff fast approaching. "Whoa!" he shouted. The horse just kept going. Then the man remembered what the horse seller had said, and commanded the horse, "Amen!"
The horse skidded to a stop a mere two feet away from the cliff's edge. The man was so overjoyed that, without thinking, he shouted, "Praise the Lord!"
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